Chapter Text
“Loki”
The voice cut through him like a knife, though he didn’t look up from where he was hunched over a book, scribbling notes furiously on parchment.
“I have brought someone to see you. You’ve not even held him yet, he does not even have a name.” His mother said gently, nursing the tiny baby in her arms.
“His name is Ullr.” He said, echoing her words in a hollow voice. “I’ve no desire to hold him.”
He went back to writing and Frigga left, giving her son the space that he needed.
It was a week before he emerged from the library, waiting until he was sure there was no one else hovering in the nursery. He walked over to the ornate crib and looked over at his son, fast asleep with his chubby fists curled tightly next to his head. Loki hesitated before reaching down and stroking the babies cheek softly, pulling away immediately when the baby stirred. Loki had always prided himself on being clever, on having an answer to every situation but this was a variable he had not expected. He was not supposed to have to do this alone – well no, he wasn’t alone. The fact that Ullr seemed content was proof of that but he was without her and that was no different to being alone in Loki’s mind.
He felt Frigga’s presence before he saw her, as he always did, her magic humming softly in the air and for a brief moment he considered just disappearing but he knew he couldn’t avoid Frigga forever. She was worried about him, he could feel it, but he didn’t want her to worry about him, only Ullr. She approached him gently, like one might approach a wounded animal and put a soft hand on his shoulder. Loki had not touched or let anyone touch him since he’d felt her grip on his hand slacken and the moment he felt that hand on his shoulder it all became too much.
There was no surprise on Frigga’s face when Loki turned and clung to her the way he had as a small (and on rare occasions larger) child and she held him no differently, a tight arm around him and a hand gently stroking his hair as he came unraveled in her arms. It was close to an hour before Loki finally had no more tears to shed, though Frigga’s grip had not slackened and it did not until she felt Loki began to pull away. “I cannot do this Mother,” he whispered. “My sun does not rise without her, my world is dark and I cannot find a light.”
Frigga smiled sadly, though her heart was breaking for her son and her grandson. “It will feel like that for some time but not forever, I promise you that light will return.” She didn’t bother telling him what Sif would have wanted or what he needed to do because Frigga wasn’t like that, she would not dismiss his feelings or try and push him past them. A loud cry broke the quiet and Frigga looked over at the tiny child with a fond smile. “Perhaps offering another comfort might help.” She suggested gently, though she could see the hesitation on his face.
“I do not even know how to hold him.” Loki said feeling complete fear at the idea of being responsible for the tiny life in front of them.
Frigga smiled gently and moved to scoop up the crying infant. “I am not sure that you have ever admitted to not knowing how to do something.” She pointed out, though she could tell Loki was watching her intently and she held the child out for him. “You support him with one arm and his head with the other. Do not be afraid, he is the son of a fierce warrior, he will not be easily broken.”
Again Loki felt the overwhelming desire to just disappear but the last thing he wanted was for his son to grow up resenting him. With gentle hands he took the wailing child and cradled him carefully against his chest. For a moment Ullr seemed as unsure as Loki did but as Frigga led him gently to sit down the fussy child squirmed for a moment before promptly falling back asleep snuggled into his father’s chest. “Is he alright?” Loki asked concerned by the sudden desertion of noise.
The smile on Frigga’s face was wider than it had been in the past weeks and her heart warmed greatly. She knew it would not solve Loki’s grief but it was a start. “He’s not settled for anyone, even myself, so quickly.” She was speaking the truth and not merely trying to soothe her son.
Loki was mesmerized by the sleeping child in his arms. He slept with the same content expression that Sif had, in fact he saw so much of Sif in the babe that he wasn’t sure there was any of himself in there. It surprised him greatly that it was not sorrow in his heart when he looked upon Ullr but pride and love. He mourned for the fact that his son would never know his mother personally but in that moment he realized it was his responsibility to ensure that Ullr did know his mother. That he knew stories of her bravery and all she had done for Asgard, that he knew how much his parents had loved each other and most importantly that he knew that Sif had never been excited about anything as much as she had been about Ullr. That for the short time they had been together he had been her entire world. He could not make up for the loss of Sif from their lives but he intended to do all that he could to ensure that Ullr never felt that Sif was not with them.