Chapter Text
“What?”
Tsukasa was so surprised by the other’s words, it somehow managed to snap him out of his spiral. For the very first time in so long, his strongest emotion was simply confusion.
In a sense, it almost felt like Rui had been leading him on, somehow. He had let — no, he had asked Tsukasa to open up, he encouraged the blond to keep talking, keep feeling, keep lavishing himself with undeserved pity. He listened patiently as Tsukasa kept talking, rambling on and on with lies and half truths and pleas for stolen attention, like he was deserving, like he could want without guilt, without shame.
And yet right as Tsukasa thought he would bring the blow crashing down, right as he thought Rui would tear him down with cold logic and justify the punishment he had been bestowing on himself…
He was treated with kindness.
This kindness, wasted on a cruel, worthless creature like himself.
Tsukasa felt sick down to his very stomach.
He couldn’t understand this.
Why was Rui so kind to him? Despite being so clearly pathetic, so clearly in the wrong, Rui was enabling him.
Tsukasa sighed. He willed himself to look up, but somehow couldn’t find it in himself to meet the other’s eyes.
“I don’t understand. What do you…what do you want to prove?”
Rui’s smile dropped. For a moment, Tsukasa felt almost scared of him.
He went on:
“Tsukasa-kun, when you narrate these events, you carry with you a certain…bias. I’m sure you know that. And yet somehow, strangely, your bias is not in your favour but instead against yourself. That, you seem to not understand.”
“I- “
Tsukasa looked down. He felt strange. Conflicted. Part content, part frustrated. Part enthusiastic, part despondent. He was angry. He was grateful, he contained multitudes that mutually pushed and pulled endlessly, thousands of straight paths that all contradicted each other.
It wasn't that Rui was wrong — no, that would have been fine. If Rui was wrong, Tsukasa could have simply told him he had gotten him wrong, that he had misunderstood, and they'd be able to continue on with their pointless conversations.
No, the reason for this reaction was because Rui was right
Yes, he was biased. Tsukasa did know that well. He never wanted to lie, no, he did his best to speak the truth whenever he could.
Still, despite his efforts, he sometimes had to confront the fact that his every truth was tainted by his inherent mendacity. No matter how much he wanted to be honest, all he managed to do was lie. To himself, to the doctors, to Saki, to everyone he has ever and will ever speak to. And they all fell for it. didn't they? They had known him for years and still saw his lies as the truth.
Everyone except for Rui.
He had only known Tsukasa properly for, what, was it two days? And yet somehow, he managed to see through his facade, his lies. He managed to recognize every bad thing about Tsukasa, and yet at the very same time he wouldn't stop trying to convince him that he had done nothing wrong.
Really, Tsukasa would never understand him at all.
Tsukasa looked up. Rui stared right back at him, pale yellow eyes boring into his very soul.
"Please listen to me. Is it not true that you have suffered as well?"
"Yes, but not as much as- "
"Is it not true that you have suffered as well?"
“No, Saki deserved all that attention!”
A strange, almost quizzical smile.
“But did you deserve all that neglect?”
Did he?
Was he even neglected in the first place?
It really felt like it sometimes, yes.
Those lonely nights at home when Saki was young, when he was young, when his parents had gone to the hospital to stay the night with Saki and leaving him alone, that was neglect, was it not?
All those times he tried to show his parents something only to be brushed off in favour of Saki, of the doctor, of every other person that wanted to talk to them, that was it too, wasn’t it?
“Or perhaps I am simply projecting. Don’t trust me too much, please.”
Tsukasa paused.
“...no, I think you’re right. Uh, thanks.”
He hoped his awkwardness did not sound rude. Somehow, ever since he started having these more serious conversations with Rui, he felt less and less inclined to keep his guard up. With Rui, he could actually be himself, regardless of how stupid, how selfish, how horrible he really was.
He was very thankful to him for that.
“No worries. I enjoy talking to you.”
Rui replied with a small smile. So he didn’t misinterpret it? That’s good, he supposed. Then, without thinking:
“Do you really?”
The phrase came out before Tsukasa could stop to consider the implications. If Rui wasn’t uncomfortable before, he definitely had to be now. It sounded rude, didn’t it? It had to have. He didn’t mean it in a cruel way, of course, he was just confused. But Rui probably didn’t know that, so what if he thought Tsukasa was being mean?
But the words were already out of his mouth, it was far too late to take them back now. He bit his tongue to stop him from saying more.
Don’t make worse what’s already ruined.
Rui looked up, not offended, not really, anyway. Amused, maybe, vaguely so.
Ah, it’s all fine.
“Ah? Yes, I really do. You’re not a bad person to converse with. Do you enjoy our conversations, though?”
“Well, that’s a no brainer! Of course I do!!”
Tsukasa thought the mood was sufficiently lifted by now, but when he watched the other’s expression he found that the other didn’t look as cheerful as he would expect. The closest thing to cheerful Rui had ever looked, anyway. Softened eyes, the corners of pale lips flicking up ever so slightly, like a near-imperceptible half-smile.
But now, he looked almost guilty. What for? What had he done except for help? He looked as if he knew he had done wrong some way or another, ashamed at praise that was wanted and yet undeserved.
But how was any of this undeserved? How was it praise when it was in actuality just truth, an objective fact?!
“I imagine having myself as a conversation partner must be quite irritating. I’m quite the downer, I’m afraid. I’m fully aware of that. You really don’t need to sugarcoat it, Tsukasa-kun.”
“Huh?”
Rui leaned back in his seat slightly, long, lithe fingers running through his bangs.
“Ah, it’s just…I don’t know, I expect I must be quite annoying to talk with. Some people have likened it to trying to have a heart to heart with a brick wall, if that makes sense.”
A soft sigh. His hands dropped into his lap, lavender locks falling back over those sharp, golden eyes.
“In other words, if you would like to help me, I’m afraid I really can’t be helped. I’m simply just uncomfortable to be around, I suppose. I would fully understand if you’d like to leave it here and never speak again.”
Tsukasa thought about that for some time. He enjoyed talking with Rui, he really did. But in a way, he was right as well, wasn’t he? He did, initially, come into this as a way to attempt to “save” someone, whatever saving meant. And here, Rui was outright admitting that it was pointless.
So why was he still staying? Even Rui himself told him that he wouldn’t mind if they cut contact.
(A part of him felt sad that he meant so little to him, that his absence wouldn’t hurt him in the slightest.)
No, Tsukasa was pretty sure that his motives had changed by now. He didn’t see Rui as something to fix, not anymore, anyway. He might have felt that way at first, maybe, but really he didn’t think it was anything like that now.
Tsukasa isn’t sure exactly when or how it happened, but he didn’t see Rui as something to fix anymore.
It’s not exactly a change with Rui himself. Since their first conversation, Rui has been more open, yes, more willing to talk. But that’s around where the changes end. Rui’s mental health is clearly still abysmal, if his consequently poor physical condition was anything to go by. He wasn’t sick sick, not physically, not in the way Tsukasa saw in all the hospital beds whenever he made a visit.
It looked more like a consequence. Like he was so burnt out from the mere act of keeping himself alive to even bother trying to take care of himself properly, or at all. It was evident in the unbrushed hair, in the dull eyes, in that sort of feeling Tsukasa had that he didn’t really care what life decided to throw at him anymore.
After all, the best way to fight a losing battle is to not bother to fight at all.
Tsukasa was disturbed by this at first. He treated Rui like broken glass, or perhaps more accurately cracked glass: On the verge of falling apart completely but still behind that unspoken line. Like a liminal sort of suffering, stuck in that perpetual state of being not quite here, not quite gone, like an almost ghost that was not yet fully transparent.
Recently, though, Tsukasa has felt himself grow less and less wary of Rui. Beyond that cold exterior, beyond the apathy, he started learning how to see Rui as a person. Rui still needed help, obviously, but somehow Tsukasa eventually managed to accept the fact that he didn’t have to be the one to give it, and besides he didn’t think that was what Rui wanted from him anyway.
Ultimately, what Rui wanted, what Tsukasa wanted, was simply…
“No, I'm staying because I want to be your friend.”
Rui blinked.
Tsukasa waited for his response. The normally bustling carriage seemed to quiet, the world around them shrinking and shrinking until all that remained were these two boys that were forever doomed to be caught between the contradictory forces of staying to fight and giving it all up, between pretending everything is fine and basking in their sorrows, between salvation and perdition.
Long, uncut nails dug into the fabric of his slacks. Then, biting his lip as if to hold back an emotion Tsukasa thought he shouldn’t speculate on:
“...a friend, is it?”
A soft giggle, almost guilty.
“I don’t imagine I would make a good friend either, I’m afraid.”
Rui shifted in his seat slightly.
“Tsukasa-kun, please don’t misunderstand me. This isn’t a fault of yours, not even in the slightest. It’s simply that you simply do not know what you are asking of me, and what I will consequently have to ask of you. It’s not something you’d enjoy. I don’t want you to lie to yourself in an attempt to love something that should have never known kindness.”
“B-but- !”
The train stopped.
“This is your stop, Tsukasa-kun. I’ve always enjoyed our conversations.”
Tsukasa hated how he knew that was just Rui’s way of a veiled “goodbye”.
“It- it’s okay, Rui! I really want to talk to you! I genuinely enjoy our conversations so much and if you’re not ready to accept that I’ll wait until you are, really I’d do anything to convince you of that fact because I care about you a lot and I know it’s selfish but like- “
“Save your breath, Tsukasa-kun, you’ll need to sprint if you want to alight now.”
“Ah? O-OH!!!!”
Using whatever remaining breath he had, Tsukasa managed to pass through the train doors right in the nick of time.
But right before the doors closed, he turned back, without thinking, blurting out something he knew he might regret but he knew he had to say.
“Rui, please think about what I said! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
As the doors closed, Tsukasa thought he heard a familiar, near-silent:
“Okay, I’ll consider it.”