Chapter Text
Määnin woke up with a weary head and a smell that told her she wasn’t in her own bed. She kept her groan quiet as she flopped around on her back and squeezed her eyes open, light flooding the room.
She swallowed the aftertaste of alcohol as she tried to orientate herself. Määnin couldn’t remember much, which wasn’t unusual, the headache telling her there had been enough alcohol for her memories to blur together. She hooked up with a guy in a small toilet stall, after that it got messy. Tommy and Freppa had been gone, now she laid in some guy’s bed.
Her eyes fell over to the man still passed out next to her. He had blonde hair, high cheekbones and from the looks of it Määnin didn’t go very easy on him. At least the sex was good, she thought with a sigh and slowly slipped out of his grasp.
No matter how good it would feel the night before, the feeling after was probably the worst of them all. Määnin searched for her clothes on the ground, squinting at the bundles of clothes spread across the room. Where the fuck were her sunglasses, it was so fucking bright in here.
She wondered sometimes what it would feel like to stay, not stumble out of unknown flats, praying she never ran into these people again. Eventually she grabbed the plastic frames with her top, the familiar weight and darkened but still clearer vision putting some comfort into her. Määnin remembered she had a denim vest but it wasn’t here, then she remembered how she had taken it off and how Tommy had looked at her and pushed that thought far back into her mind.
The thought of staying made her nauseous. Instead she put on her pants that went lost somewhere in the hallway, just as her denim jacket with her phone and pack of cigarettes still tugged inside the pockets. Well, at least she didn’t lose any of her stuff this time.
Määnin didn’t spare the flat another glance as she slipped out of the door silently. It must have been around lunchtime the way the sun so desperately tried to kill her… Would be too easy this way anyways.
She lit a cigarette and stumbled through the streets until she found a bench far enough away from the guy’s place to crash on. Määnin would have to call Freppa to pick her up from wherever the fuck she ended up this time. But she needed a moment longer to collect herself for that.
Freppa didn’t judge, at least never out loud, but Määnin could smell the worry coming from her whenever Määnin called her from an unknown place after a gig night. It was annoying and endearing at the same time, but it especially made her feel a guilt she would rather ignore.
Eventually, she fished the old phone out of her pocket and pressed on the number.
It rang three times before her friend picked up. “Määnin, hi.” Freppa’s voice sounded more relieved than Määnin liked, she didn’t want her to worry because of nothing.
“Hey, uh… Could you come pick me up?”, she said and looked around for any street sign and gave up quickly, her head spinning as she turned around too fast. “I will just send you my location.”
“Yeah, sure, I will be on my way.” Although there was nothing Freppa said, Määnin knew she had hoped for a little more context. She was not in a mood to give her more context.
The time she waited on that bench felt like fucking eternity. It had her thoughts wandering and even a fourth cigarette didn’t manage to stop her mind from going back to last night. Määnin thought of that guy fucking her in the stall, why she didn’t leave with him immediately, why she wanted to fuck him right then and there. She squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her palm against her forehead, sunglasses digging into her skin. She wished she had a drink.
Then she thought of what happened before. The smile on Tommy’s face, how Tommy had called their gig one of the best ones yet. It had been like staring into a spotlight without her sunglasses, burning into her chest like the light into her pale eyes.
Flashes of last night came back to her and she cursed herself for even trying to remember. Tommy’s hand had kept going through her hair while she screamed into the mic – the cap had fallen off after the first song. Sweat, heavy breaths… How she went down on her knees at Ta me heim right in front of Määnin…
Never had she been more glad to hear that familiar car horn. Putting all those thoughts far away, Määnin pushed herself off the bench, the sharp pain in her head more welcome whatever the fuck the other thing was. She sat down next to Freppa who had that slight worry between her brows and threw the door shut.
“I don’t care what Tommy says, no practice today”, she said before Freppa could ask any stupid questions of where she had been.
But none of that came. “She hasn’t called yet”, Freppa told her instead and put some music on.
Määnin didn’t want to think of the implications of that. She would rather have Freppa judge her than think of reasons why the fuck Tommy hadn’t called for practice yet. She always wanted to meet up after gig nights, her thoughts always seemed to go two hundred kilometers per hour, talking about things that could be done better, that needed adjustments, she would throw every compliment in existence at Määnin and practice double as much. Määnin couldn’t handle that today, she still wanted to know why Tommy didn’t call.
Määnin was about to say something stupid.
“Can you pull up to her?”
She didn’t expect any protest from Freppa. She didn’t say no, she rarely did. It was her only flaw. But Määnin saw her grip tighten around the wheel and her lips pressing together as if she wanted to say something.
“What is it?”, she asked, confused about what this was about. If Freppa didn’t say anything herself, Määnin had to make sure she did.
“Nothing.”
“Stop fucking around and spit it out.”
Freppa gave her a glare at the tone but Määnin’s pounding head was not in the mood to guess what the hell happened.
“She left angry. I don’t know why”, Freppa said then.
Why would she… Määnin tried to remember anything else from last night but nothing came up.
“Drive me to her place”, Määnin repeated, not leaving any more room for discussion.
She just thought about how she couldn’t face Tommy but she couldn’t just live with her being angry after a gig like that… after she had smiled like that. God, what a pathetic thing to do. Määnin wasn’t supposed to worry like that. Would Tommy even want to see her after vanishing once again after a gig.
She remembered downing some shots with the guy from the stall, eyes always wandering to Tommy who wasn’t able to stay still, who kept glowing after the show. She watched Tommy get attention from some people, turn slightly red when the woman behind the bar gave her the beer for free. Määnin wanted her to get all the attention, because no matter how many compliments Tommy threw her way, Määnin would always think of her as the main event. There would be no Vörjeans without Tommy.
Then her gaze had betrayed her by lingering on her silhouette, wandering from the motion of licking some foam off her lips, down to her bare shoulders, jacket long discarded because of the hot air of this place. Her mind kept thinking of burning heat underneath her touch, pressing kisses against soft skin, making her blushing mess.
Määnin had downed one more shot, grabbed the man by the arm and found the next best place to get a distraction.
The car came to a stop and Määnin needed a moment to remind herself where they were. This was not something to think about now, it wasn’t anything. She was here because of Tommy.
“Thanks”, she barely managed to say, her tongue feeling sandpaper. “Don’t bother waiting. I will walk home.”
Määnin could see Freppa contemplating on saying anything else but she only gave her a reassuring smile before saying goodbye.
She swallowed the dessert in her mouth and made her way up the stairs.
When she arrived by the door to Tommy's flat, Määnin couldn’t get herself to knock immediately. This wasn’t what she usually did, no matter if she had been out or not, they would usually hit Grillin or meet up in Freppa's garage or decide to take a round with Mrs Börns. Määnin didn’t show up at Tommy's place after a one-night stand. But then again Tommy never cancelled practice either.
She knocked on the door a couple times, waiting and waiting, nothing happening. Määnin ignored the stupid thoughts in her head about Tommy not being home, of her being somewhere else, with someone else.
This time she hit the wood a little harder, growing restless. A moment later something moved behind the door. Määnin could hear her voice before the door even fully opened. “Who the fuck-”
Tommy stood still in the door frame, the rest of the sentence stuck in her throat as she looked at Määnin with wide eyes. She wore one of those old tops from high school that were definitely too small for her but she never parted with for some reason, paired with a pair of shorts. They hadn’t even hit summer yet but Tommy had always run boiling hot.
But Määnin couldn’t think of that. Instead she stared at the tips of Tommy’s hair, barely covering her neck, cut slightly uneven but not in a way you would notice if you hadn’t memorised every part of her.
“Looks good”, she said as if on autopilot, too casual for the feeling in her stomach, like she didn’t want to run her hands through it.
“I- yeah- I…” Tommy’s face turned bright red, her voice cracking. “Thanks.”
Määnin couldn’t really look away, thinking of last night and how the hair would look while performing and she almost cursed out loud, knowing the next gig was still a few weeks away. “Freppa said you didn’t call about practice, guess that’s why.”
Tommy’s shoulders tensed and Määnin couldn’t quite help the frown, not sure if she said something wrong. She could see Tommy playing cool. “Yeah uh- Long night yesterday, didn’t sleep well.”
Why? Why didn’t you sleep well? Määnin wanted to ask, wanted to know what she did, where she had gone last night, if she was just at home or… She couldn’t. Määnin kept her mouth shut.
“Freppa said you left angry last night”, she tried to bring up nonchalantly as if the thought of it didn’t have her boiling. “Why?”
Tommy avoided looking at her, she put her hand to her neck and looked like she wasn’t used to it being bare. Määnin didn’t like how uncomfortable she looked all of the sudden, that her question made her feel like backing away.
“I- uh… Just some guys making dumb comments”, she said then and Määnin wasn’t sure if that was all but she couldn’t push further.
An ugly feeling settled in her stomach, accusations of her not being there echoing in her mind. Not that Tommy would ever think that. Still, she had been fucked in a toilet stall while Tommy had to deal with stupid men. She wasn’t supposed to deal with that shit, not after putting out her heart and soul into each performance.
“Sorry… would have shown them where they could stick it”, she mumbled, unable to look directly at Tommy. “If I had been there.”
God, how she hated herself for this
If, if, if. Määnin should have been there, shouldn’t have gone with a random dude just because she couldn't handle her own mind anymore. How could Tommy not see that she was constantly fucking up…
She should just go home, get drunk and forget this ever happened. That was way easier than whatever the fuck she was trying here. But then her eyes caught Tommy fiddling with the hem of her shirt and biting her lip as if she only waited for Määnin to do just that.
Määnin was about to say another stupid thing.
“You wanna get a six pack and chill at hoppbacken or something?”, she suggested. It sounded softer than Määnin wanted to come across, almost sure Tommy would frown at her for it.
But her friend’s eyes just widened before nodding. “Yeah, sure, definitely.” She looked around for a second as if to make sure there was no one else Määnin was talking to. “I will just- uh- change real quick.”
Before Tommy could disappear in the flat again, Määnin called for her once more because she did that kind of shit now apparently.
“The hair looks tough as hell by the way.”
Tommy’s eyes practically gleamed at the comment and Määnin had to look away again, ignoring the squeeze inside her chest. This was just pathetic, she shouldn’t say these things. Not when she knew that Tommy deserved a hundred times better.
Yet she couldn’t help it, if it had Tommy look at her like that.