Chapter Text
Susie sits with her knees to her chest, one arm around her legs holding them steady, the other one occupied gripping and pushing the desk, spinning herself faster and faster.
Spinny chairs are her shit.
The library is particularly empty today, which is why she’s tempting her luck and seeing if she can actually make herself throw up the free alleyway milk she had for breakfast. Can you blame her, though? She’s been sitting here for hours — 50 minutes tops —, using the library’s old computers that look like moving boxes and work slower than the Old Man pretending he has no moves, so she can actually find answers to her burning questions. If Berdly, who strangely hasn’t shown up today to his shift at the library, were to walk in right now he’d probably scold her for misusing the wheeled chair before condescendingly congratulating her for actually working on her project. Which she’s not, by the way.
Nope, she’s not here for that.
See, last night she had gone to Castle Town after their last adventure to chill with Ralsei. She’s been sleeping in her room (her Dark World room, that is) for a couple of nights now — ever since she witnessed Mrs Toriel all plastered, it had become completely impossible for her to set foot in the Dreemurr’s household without panic boiling under her skin. So Castle Town was her only safe place now, her little oasis, her home.
And last night hadn’t been any different.
Ralsei and her had been hanging out in the new pillow fort. They’d been talking mostly about the usual, when the conversation started heading towards a more personal topic.
To put it bluntly: Ralsei was a girl.
Okay, she herself hadn’t said it like that — Ralsei had been far too coy and scared to use the word ‘girl’, but Susie had gotten the message across pretty quickly.
Now, Susie didn’t know that much when it came to gender. She had never really given two shits about that sort of stuff. Sure, she wasn’t your typical ‘girl prototype’ — and believe her when she says she had been told so plenty of times — but she never really thought about what being ‘girl-like’ was. She was just Susie, who happened to be a girl. She knew about Kris being trans themself, as well as other townsfolk, but she had never really sat down and bugged them about it or whatever. So yeah, she basically knew jackshit about this sort of stuff.
Nevertheless, she wanted to be a good friend to Ralsei, who also didn’t seem to completely understand what the hell was going on with herself, as shown by her anxious behaviour and deeply confused voice when talking about the subject. She deserved to be comfortable in her own skin and if she needed help she could bet her ass Susie would be there to lend a hand.
She had also reluctantly suggested Ralsei talk to Kris, since they probably knew far more than she did, and when Ralsei said that the three of them could talk about it tomorrow, Susie flinched.
Ever since the festival… God, Susie didn't like thinking about it. Noelle, whom she was going to take to the festival, had ditched her for Kris, and suddenly what was supposed to be an awesome time between friends evolved into Susie standing alone against a wall, watching people pass by, smiling and having fun while she tried (and failed) not to burst into tears.
And what pissed her off the most was that she wasn't even feeling bad because of Noelle.
No, the thing that hurt her was that it had been Kris, the person she considered her best friend, the one to leave her behind. Noelle could've gone with literally anyone else for all Susie cared, but Kris? That had stung like a motherfucker. It had felt like a personal betrayal — they chose Noelle over her, even when Susie had pretty much made it clear that she intended to go with both of them to the festival.
Seeing them together, hands joined, absolutely ignoring the shit out of her had felt like being kicked in the stomach 25 times and then being spat on the face. She was never gonna be chosen, was she?
So, for lack of better words, Susie was pissed at Kris, which reflected on how awkward their last two adventures had been.
But still, even if they were going through a rough patch now, she didn't want Ralsei to feel like she shouldn't talk to them about her issues, especially when Kris was probably better at this kind of stuff than her.
Having said that, she also didn't want Ralsei to think Susie didn't care about her.
And that's why she was here, in Home Town’s shitty library, doing her shitty research using these archaic computers that require a good ol’ smack in the back, a blood sacrifice and three handfuls of fairy dust for them to properly work. Browsing the Internet she had come across some very obvious tips — Susie was not gonna start treating Ralsei any differently (duh) or let people harass her without Susie kicking their asses (double duh) —, but at the end of the day, she had found some cool websites that had actually taught her some pretty useful stuff. And for the second time in her life, she had not felt stupid for trying to learn new things.
When she hears the sound of footsteps approaching her, she grabs the end of the desk to stop herself from being found in flagrante delicto (aka having fun) and being permanently kicked out from yet another public establishment.
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Catti Cattenheimer entering the room, Jockington loosely wrapped around her neck. She hears her growl like it’s Susie’s fault they ran into each other in the tiny town where everyone knows everyone and their bathroom schedules. Either way, that’s her cue to leave. (Not without flipping her the bird before slamming the door just so she doesn't have the time to snap back, of course.)
She walks to school. It’s not like she has class or anything — it’s 8 pm and she doesn’t really have any plans (not like she has anyone in Home Town to hang out with anymore anyways), so she might as well drop by in Castle Town and just pass the time with Ralsei, Lancer and whoever wants to join them (and most definitely have a kickass sleep over).
As she makes her way to the supply closet where the little princess lives — haha, get it? Because Ralsei is literally in the closet, she laughs in her mind at her cheap joke —, she debates telling Ralsei about her findings. She thinks it could be good for Ralsei to put a name to her feelings, but she doesn't want to overwhelm her too much either. She knows how her friend is and how quickly she can start spiraling, and the last thing Susie wants is to make her freak out.
She guesses that she should just see how things go, but that she should try nonetheless. She is, also, extremely proud of herself for being such an awesome friend.
Sticking the landing, she moves her bangs aside, hurrying to the entrance of the small fantasy world she's grown so fond of in just a week. She can already hear the music coming from everywhere. And of course, she’s thrilled to spend more time with Ralsei in a setting where none of them are dancing with the Grim Reaper.
Strange, Susie thinks, she is not here to receive me today, huh?
She walks without a rush to the entrance of the castle.
She lets out a far too dreamy sigh.
Ah, Castle Town, what a sight for sore eyes. The sound of people running around and having fun makes her feel all these very sappy feelings she refuses to put into words. This little community full of weirdos keeps on growing everyday, and Susie will make sure that it stays that way for as long as she can put up a fight.
She’s so immersed in her own corny thoughts that she doesn’t notice the small figure next to her.
“Hi, Susie! Welcome back!” a sweet voice chirps from her right, causing her to jump like a startled cat. How embarrassing.
Ralsei stands a few feet away from her, with her bright pink scarf and big green hat. “Oh, hey Ralsei,” Susie says absentmindedly.
…
Wait, what-
She has to do a double- no, a triple take just to make sure that she’s not actually imagining things. But her eyes do not betray her as Ralsei is in front of her, wearing the same silly pointy hat she had once worn when she first met her and Kris. Her fur has turned the same colour as Castle Town’s perpetual night sky, and she’s wearing a robe that looks two sizes too big. It's almost as if her clothes were trying to swallow her small body. She looks like a tiny wizard.
Susie blinks.
“Huh.”
Always so eloquent.
Ralsei tilts her head to the left in confusion.
“Is there something wrong, Susie?”
“No, I, uh…” Like a complete dumbass, she stumbles over her words. How can she not, though? She feels like she just traveled back in time to a week ago! Man, she hasn't experienced such a strong sense of déjà vu in a long time.
She points at Ralsei's hat. “Why are you wearing that thing again?”
There's this blank expression on Ralsei's face — like her brain didn't process anything that the other one said, but as soon as Susie opens her mouth she quickly recovers. “Oh? Oh! Yeah. I- I thought I'd be nice for a change!" she blurts out. Her usual calm and airy voice has been replaced for this high pitched anxious tone.
They keep their little staring contest.
“Um, sure.” Seeing Ralsei get so nervous about it, she decides to spare her the embarrassment and drop the subject. Maybe it's just not Susie's business to be questioning Ralsei's fashion sense. Either way, there’s something really unsettling about the way she’s looking at her, and after thinking about it for a bit, Susie comes to the conclusion that she does not like Ralsei’s white eyes one bit. They’ve been devoid of any colour so they just look like two white dots, in contrast to her usual big rosy irises adorned by the emerald frame of her glasses.
Susie narrows her eyes. As much as they creep her out, she can’t really stop staring at them. Mhm. Weird. There’s just something so strange about the way they look under the shadow of the hat's brim…
The princess awkwardly clears her throat. “Well, uh,” she murmurs. Her shoulders tense under the thick layers of her robe. “Should we go find Lancer?”
Although Lancer time is always a delight, of course, today is not about Susie.
“Er, there's something I actually wanted to talk to you about,” she starts. She immediately regrets her choice of words and god, she hopes that didn't come across as weird.
“Of course, Susie! We can talk about whatever you'd like!”
Her overly cheerful tone weirds Susie out a lot and, judging by Ralsei's nervous expression, she must've made a face.
“Uh. Okay.”
Ralsei’s eyes immediately drop to the floor. She’s keeping her distance, Susie points out.
And for some reason, for some inexplicable reason, Susie can’t help but notice how Ralsei hasn’t greeted her with a hug. Yes, Susie has this very strict (not really) no-hug policy and all, but she's become so used to her friend being all cuddly, always seeking her touch, that now she doesn’t really know how to react to Ralsei just… not hugging her? It’s strange.
Her body feels cold.
Susie shakes these thoughts from her head immediately. There's no time to ponder her weird feelings in regards to Ralsei hugging her, so she just says, “Hey, so, do you remember what we were talking about last night?”
It's a pretty stupid question because why wouldn't she remember? She was there and things got weird and cheesy and Susie had felt things she had refused to acknowledge in the moment, so of course Ralsei knows what she's talking about; but at the same it's better if she takes things slow this time — she is trying her goddamn best not to fuck this up for Ralsei.
She watches how her shoulders tense up as she buries her dark snout further in the piece of clothing surrounding her neck. Shit, is she doing something wrong already? No, she can't afford to back down now. It doesn't matter, really, she's gonna show Ralsei just how much she cares. Plus, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?
“I… I do,” Ralsei mutters in embarrassment.
“Cool,” she replies, reassuring her with a nod, trying to make her understand that there's nothing to be ashamed of, but she has a feeling that it’s not working. “So I thought about it a lot…”she decides to keep her tone low and soft so that no unsolicited listeners eavesdrop on them — it's not like she wants to advertise this to the whole damn town. “I thought about everything you told me… About how your eyes lit up when you wore that blue dress.” She has to pause for a few seconds as she feels her face get warmer and warmer when she recalls how annoyingly cute Ralsei had looked twirling in that glittery puffy skirt, looking like a blueberry cupcake. She coughs and tries to go back to the topic. “And about your, um… feelings for…” Looking away, she frantically waves her hand. “Well. Y'know.”
The last sentence took a bit more courage to let out than she'd expected, but it was completely worth it just to witness how, even in her pitch black fur, a small blush creeped across Ralsei's face.
She still won't look her in the eye, though.
“So,” Susie said, bringing her hands together, “I did my research, y'know, like a nerd,” she jokes as a pathetic attempt at lightening the mood, but she gets no reaction from the girl in the hat. "And…” She takes a deep breath, creating more painful anticipation. “I think that I might be able to help you out this time!” As the words leave her mouth with an excitement that is impossible to either hide nor ignore, she can feel her stupid tail wagging under her jacket.
It takes Susie one quick glance at Ralsei to realize she's completely paralyzed, as if she had been turned into a statue like the other Darkners do when they enter a world they do not belong in.
With caution, as if she's testing the waters, as if she's trying her bestest not to scare away a little stray cat, Susie takes a step forward.
“So whaddaya say, Rals? We can just go to your room like we did yesterday and…” She shrugs, “talk.”
Susie tries to be as gentle as possible. God knows Ralsei needs it. Susie's not as kind and soft as her, and a week ago she would've gagged at the thought of someone as sweet as Ralsei, but now she just kind of wishes she could be more like her. More caring. More Ralsei-like.
A moment passes where Susie awaits, uneasy, for a reaction, any reaction, that will serve as the perfect indicator that she's not screwing this up.
Now, Susie likes thinking she's gotten pretty good at reading Ralsei. Maybe she's not an expert but at least she can tell when her friend’s anxiety is eating her alive, and she most definitely can tell when Ralsei is hiding something.
She gulps.
“Hey, is everything good? Did… Did I say something weird?”
Susie mentally curses herself for sounding so goddamn insecure.
“No, it's just…” Eyes fixed on the floor, snout hidden in her scarf, shadows covering her face, Ralsei mumbles, “I don't… I don't think we should be… What happened yesterday… I was just saying things. We should just forget about everything, okay?”
Oh.
Well, that feels like she just got shot in the shoulder.
Forget about everything? How can she say something like that? She can't just… take all that back, right? What, was she going to have to pretend that everything Ralsei had told her wasn't real? That her pouring her heart out was some sort of fever dream?
No, if this is what Ralsei wants she must be supportive. Remember what you learned, Susie.
“Yeah, yeah, no problem, I totally get it.” Avoiding Ralsei’s form, she turns around and starts marching towards the staircase. “We can just go to your room and—”
Suddenly, something soft but firm wraps around Susie's wrist — Ralsei’s pink scarf, has a tight grip on her, keeping her from advancing.
“No!” The sudden raise in her voice makes Susie jump back. She momentarily forgets who she's talking to until Ralsei gasps.
What?
Ralsei looks as surprised as she is.
“Goodness, I'm so sorry, Susie, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that!” she blurts out as she makes the warm fabric let go of Susie's arm. “My behavior is just awful today, I'm so embarrassed, please forgive me.”
Susie's face burns with shame. Shit, she just keeps screwing things up, doesn't she?
Either way, there's something that's bothering Susie about the way the other girl is acting. Frowning, she asks with a careful voice, “Why don't you wanna go to your room?”
But Ralsei doesn't grant her a response, instead, Susie carefully studies her face, searching for an answer to why the hell is Ralsei acting so weird today. There is something bothering her, there clearly is, and she just won't tell her, which is driving Susie abso-fucking-lutely insane because she thought that they had gone through this already. That there were not going to be any more secrets between the two of them.
Fine, if we're gonna do this whole secrets game all over again then try to stop me from playing dirty.
Within a millisecond, Susie starts rushing to the stair case. The sole of her boots hit the floor repeatedly as she skips every second step. Eventually though, she can hear Ralsei’s panicked voice calling her name, following her way and trying to match her speed. Susie doesn't like acting like this but if this is what it'll take for Ralsei to stop lying to her then so be it.
Dodging the Darkners that cross her way and ignoring Ralsei painful and desperate attempts at catching her, she finally reaches the top floor, right where the princess’ room remains.
At the end of the hall, a green door awaits for her. It's about two meters tall, with a simple frame and a yellow doorknob that invites people in. It's a door with a cute sign in the entrance made by Lancer with the word “Ralsei's Room” poorly spelled on it with pink and blue crayons, adorned with cute doodles of dragons that blow fire, small flowers blooming and asymmetrical stars that vary in size. A door Susie's seen before. A door she's opened and closed as many times as she's wanted to — sometimes with Ralsei’s permission, sometimes unconsciously, sometimes by her own force.
And she's going to open the door again. Just so she can finally understand what's bothering Ralsei.
Except there is no door.
Susie stares at the space Ralsei's room should be in. Her eyes keep frantically moving, trying to find what she's looking for, not wanting to listen to that small, rational, part of her brain that already knows there's no point in looking for something that's just not there. There's just shadows. Shadows in the walls, in the floor and in the ceiling. Shadows that dangerously surround her, like a predator lurking before devouring its pray. Shadows that are eating her from within. Shadows in the corner of her eye.
Susie doesn't hear Ralsei approaching. She doesn't even fully process that she's by her side, probably begging for her forgiveness like she's done uncountable times before, yet even then Susie's mouth moves on her own and with a detached voice she asks, “Where’s your room?” But she doesn't need Ralsei to answer her for she knows too damn well where her room is.
Gone.
It’s gone. It really is gone.
The room.
The room that she had poured her heart into decorating just for Ralsei. Hours and hours of finding cool objects and moving heavy pieces of furniture and stealing cushions, so she could feel loved and appreciated and everything Susie could never put into words. The symbol of their bond, the symbol that they were changing hand in hand, step by step, building something permanent, showing just how much they cared.
The thing she, Ralsei and Kris had made together. Every object, every memory, every everything, gone.
There’s nothing there. Not anymore. It’s been lost to darkness. It's been erased.
It's been erased by her hasn't it?
And it's so quiet, except for this annoying ringing on Susie's ears.
She clenches her fists.
“I'm sorry, Susie, I-” Ralsei’s voice sounds muffled, like she's underwater. Or maybe Susie's is just not quite there.
“Why?”
It's such a simple word. Such a simple question that could be answered in very simple few words, but when Susie looks at Ralsei's face and sees the pure anguish forming in it, she knows she won't grant her even that.
Then, a tornado of many different emotions starts forming around Susie, each one strong and demanding her full attention, striking her like lightning bolts.
Firstly, she feels the anger. Her blood boils in her veins and she feels like she could punch the nearest wall had she not had an ounce of self control. She's so fucking pissed. Pissed that Ralsei threw away the room they had made together and then attempted to hide it from her. Pissed that Ralsei thought she was so bloody naive and stupid not to notice something was wrong. Pissed that all her efforts were thrown out of the window without barely any acknowledgement. She could punch Ralsei if Susie wanted to. She could do it and Ralsei would let her. She knows she fucking would. That infuriates her even more.
Then, the fiery anger is extinguished by frustration. It leaves her helpless, impotent. After everything they went through, all the genuine talks, the tears and the laughs, all the yelling and all the promises… Ralsei's back to square one. Maybe even worse. There's not even a room here, just the negative space left, and the water silently forming in Susie's eyes. She notices she’s been digging her pointy claws into the palm of her hands. She has to choke back a sob.
Following frustration, there's betrayal. This one hurts the most. It stings, like bathing in freezing water or staring directly at the sun for too long. It leaves her hollow, empty. She wouldn't have thought that Ralsei, their Ralsei, could do something like this to her — just completely deleting any trace of progress she'd made… The room was important to Susie, and she knows it was important to Ralsei as well. So how could she possibly do this? Why did she do this behind her back? Susie feels like throwing up all of a sudden.
And last but not least, disappointment — and this one has not much to do with Ralsei, no. Susie's disappointed at herself and herself only. She's disappointed because once again, she’s been proven right: she doesn't deserve permanency. Her choices never mattered, for she is no use to anyone. It was oh so foolish of her to think that, despite breaking everything she touches, Susie could build something everlasting. That's not in her nature, not in her DNA. She is a wrecking ball, not an architect.
At her right, Ralsei tries to catch her breath, and by the way she looks so ready to start apologizing, Susie guesses her own face must not convey joy.
“I’m so sorry, I just-”
And there it is.
“-I didn’t know how to tell you, Susie-”
How did this happen?
“-I haven’t been thinking about how this would make you feel-”
When did things take the wrong turn?
“-I don’t think I’ve been thinking at all-”
She seemed so happy yesterday.
“-Angel, I’m such a mess-”
Maybe I misinterpreted this whole thing.
“-and this would’ve never happened hadn’t I-”
Maybe I’m not meant to take care of any of them.
“-selfishly wished to be more like you-”
Maybe I’m just a good-for-nothing fuck up.
“-or Kris-”
Kris.
“-but I have a purpose and-”
Shut up.
“-it’s better for all of us if I look like-”
“Shut up,” she finally spits out. Susie's sudden words stop Ralsei spiraling, leaving her dumbfounded.
It only takes her one look at the girl for all her asphyxiating emotions to evaporate. She looks so different. So fragile yet fake, like cheap plastic. Those hollow eyes keep staring at her with worry.
Slowly but carefully, Susie raises a hand to cup Ralsei’s cheek, like she's done many times now, in an attempt to sooth the girl (and herself). Force of habit, she guesses. The cold and tingling sensation of the glamour magic that the hat casts on her crawls from the tip of her claws down the palm of her hand, but before she can even dream about touching her soft fur again, Ralsei takes a step back.
Susie doesn't even bother to feel hurt anymore. With barely restrained sadness, she asks, “Did… Did Kris do this to you?”
Susie's heart sinks the moment she sees Ralsei hesitate.
She clenches her fists, and she swears she sees red. “Oh, they are done for,” she growls.
That motherfucker messed with Ralsei. With Ralsei. It shouldn't be a surprise, really — first they do something to Noelle, and now they go for Ralsei too? What the fuck is wrong with them?! Do they think this is funny? Do they think they can just show up and harass innocent people? That they can bully their friends? Susie's friends? She's going to kill them. She's going to kill them.
Almost automatically, she immediately starts walking towards the exit, determined to go back to the Light World and rip that asshole to shreds.
Ralsei quickly chases her, like a shadow.
“No no no, Susie, Kris didn't make me do anything, it was all my fault, and—”
“Can you stop following me around?!” she shouts as she sharply makes a 180-degree turn, causing Ralsei to almost crash into her, losing her balance and falling on her ass. Susie’s rage eclipses her desire to immediately help her get back on her feet.
“No! I'm telling you I put the hat on myself! It's not their fault, Susie!”
Excuses and lies and excuses and lies.
Susie runs her hands through her hair, and pulls hard enough for the pain to make her mind stay inside her body.
“You’re lying to me!” she roars. She can feel her whole body trembling with emotion. “You’re lying to me again!”
Again. Again.
Again.
“I’m not!”
Lie.
“You said you wouldn't lie to me anymore!"
Oh, how Susie despises how immensely hurt she sounds. So desperate, so weak, so sorrowful.
Their little shouting match must be scaring off any Darkner whose interest might have been piqued by all this screaming.
Ralsei puts her hands together like she's praying. The Angel knows they both need that.
“Y-you have to believe me, Susie, it wasn't Kris, I promise just please-”
Kris? She doesn't even fucking care about Kris anymore! She just wants Ralsei to be honest with her, to stop keeping important things from her, to let her walls down the same way Susie innevitably does when she's with her.
Susie stomps, sending vibrations across the floor, and sending a shiver down Ralsei's spine.
“You can't even take off that stupid hat!”
“I need it!”
“For what?!”
She doesn’t even wait for the other girl to respond as she reaches for that thing, grabbing the brim in a strong grip, ready to pull it up, but Ralsei's faster and immediately yanks it down.
“Susie, Susie please, you don't understand!” Well yeah, she fucking doesn't! What is there to understand?
Towering over the hatted figure, her grip doesn't soften. She doesn't care anymore. She's going to get Ralsei back to normal whether she likes it or not.
“I need it, please, don't take it away from me,” she cries. “I need it.”
‘I need it’?
In a sudden moment of clarity, Susie realizes what she’s doing.
Disgusted with herself, she lets go.
Ralsei is sobbing on the floor again, and ah, there it is, that sensation of horrid déjà vu, burning in Susie's insides,urging her to throw up the little food she had this morning.
Susie stares.
Susie can’t bring herself to comfort her. She just looks at her while she cries and whines and shakes. She can’t take her eyes away from her, no matter how hard this is to watch.
It's in moments like this she wished she was more like Kris. They always know how to act, so resolute, so determined, like they know a secret Susie doesn’t.
“I'm sorry Susie, I- I shouldn't be acting like this. I shouldn't be making you upset. I'm supposed to make you happy, not make you cry.”
Shit, she is crying.
Cold, ugly tears run down her face.
“But please, just let me keep the hat on,” she begs. “And please, please, understand that this is not Kris' fault.”
That's it. Susie’s done fighting. She's hurt Ralsei enough.
The girl gasps for air, hands on the floor trying to steady herself, — such a sight makes Susie's heart break. She blames herself for this. She's supposed to protect her, to be her knight, and yet, she keeps inflicting her pain.
Susie blinks away tears.
Ralsei keeps on hyperventilating.
They've been here before, haven't they?
Except this time Susie has the chance to handle things differently.
She reaches down, grabs Ralsei by her long robe, and pulls her to her feet. Susie eyes never once leave Ralsei's. No matter how harsh she's being, how frightening she knows she must look right now, showing off her strength and her dangerous set of razor-sharp teeth — there is not an ounce of fear in Ralsei's face.
And then Susie pulls her in for a hug. Based on the choked noise Ralsei makes, she was not expecting this. That's okay. Susie's surprised too.
She holds her tight.
Ralsei's fur is cool to the touch.
Susie still feels cold.
It's pretty awkward — she has both arms wrapped around Ralsei, but she's not hugging back, and her hat is kind of getting in the way. Susie doesn't remove it, though. And as Ralsei sobs and whimpers against her chest, Susie can't help but curse herself for this being the first hug she’s ever given her.
God, she feels so impotent, so powerless. If only she knew how to pick up the pieces of… whatever this was. She had gotten so good at talking to people! Relating to Tenna's pain had been way easier than she'd initially thought, opening up about pianos with Kris had broken some sort of wall between them she didn't know was there, and even with Ralsei — she had been able to calm her down in the third sanctuary as best as she had been able to because Susie knew first hand what it was to be absolutely terrified of the future.
Meanwhile, this was just too much to even attempt to understand.
Had Susie pushed her too far? Had she not done enough to protect her, to show her how much she loves her? Maybe her luck’s finally run out. Maybe this was the universe keeping her ego in check, pointing and laughing at her. Maybe she's just not smart enough to understand this, to be of actual use. And this fact pains her like no other thing.
Something tensed inside her stomach as she held Ralsei close, perhaps too close. Susie is scared she'll break her, scared she’s being too rough or too strong or applying far too much pressure which will make her turn into a pile of fluff. But then she feels Ralsei's head burying itself on Susie's neck, pulling her even closer. Susie has to fight back more tears.
They stay like this for a long time. Minutes? Hours? Days? Susie doesn't know nor mind. She just rubs small circles on Ralsei's back as she quivers and whimpers.
Then, an idea.
Finally — and begrudgingly — she lets the small princess go.
As softly and slowly as she can, as if not to scare her off, Susie puts her hands on Ralsei's shoulders and looks her in her watery eyes. Despite all the crying, they are still as pure white as before.
“Okay. Here's what we're gonna do,” she declares, trying to come across as determined but gentle as possible. “From now on you're staying in my room.”
Ralsei's eyes go so wide Susie worries they are going to pop off her head. She quickly opens her mouth to protest, but Susie knows her well enough and is already cutting her off before she can even make a sound. “And before you say anything — that's not negotiable and I will drag you with me if necessary.”
This time Susie lets her talk.
“But, Susie, it's your room.”
“Yeah, so I do what I want with it, dumbass. Which means you just got yourself a new roommate!” She wraps an arm around Ralsei's shoulders, pulling her close. Susie has to suppress the impulse to put her in a headlock and give her some noogies. It's not like the hat wouldn’t get in the way, though. Still, she finds comfort in Ralsei’s chill touch. Giving her a reassuring smile, she beams, “So congrats!”
At last, Ralsei actually considers it. She tries looking for a counterargument that will get Susie off her case, but Susie's watching in real time how she slowly realizes that nothing she could ever say would be valid enough to convince Susie that she doesn't need this.
She exhales, surrendering, probably remembering how stubborn Susie can be.
“If… if that makes you happy…” Her voice, still shaky, changes — it sounds sweeter and almost hopeful, yet burdened and heavy. “I can be your roommate, then!”
And she gives her this soft look, and it makes Susie feel like she's worth looking at.
Clearly, this is not the best answer Ralsei could grant her, but it's pretty much the best outcome, plus, Susie’ll take anything at this point.
“Can I… can I at least make some cake for you first?” Wiping away her tears with her delicate fingers, her voice shakes as she adds, “As an apology for, um… Ruining today… And your clothes…”
Susie prefers not to look at her clothes. She can feel the wet stains in the neck of her shirt. Kinda gross, but she can fix that later.
“Okay, firstly you don't have to be sorry about that, dude,” Susie argues. “Secondly, it's gonna take you a little more than some tears and snot to ruin the day — and I got more clothes. Thirdly, you know I'm always down for some cake!” Lightly, as if she's still worried she might break her, Susie playfully punches Ralsei in her shoulder.
Ralsei lets out a sigh of relief. “Then I'll get to it!”
After letting go, Susie watches the little princess set off. Being the moron that she is, she decides that it's no good use to bite her tongue.
“And for the record, Ral?”
She turns around, looking at her expectantly.
“Yes?”
Susie swallows hard. “I… I do think you look cuter without the hat on.”
Oh, her skin is burning so much she might as well explode. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why did she have to open her stupid big mouth?!
Either way, she nervously gazes at Ralsei, waiting for her to mock her or make a face of disgust or just straight up leave, just to be met with a bright red blush creeping across her pretty face that could easily rival a strawberry. Ha! Not even that dumb hat can hide that.
Before she can comment on it though, Ralsei makes eye contact with her and Susie almost chokes on air. God fucking damnit, why does she have to be so annoyingly adorable? “B-but if you tell anyone I told you that," she points at her with an accusatory finger, bearing her pointy teeth.. “I- I'll bite your head off!”
The princess’ lips curve in an amused smile that manages to overshadow the deep sadness that seems to be perpetually attached to it. Susie takes that as a win.
“Hah, well… Thanks Susie.” She sucks in a breath, and with the softest, most genuine voice Susie's ever heard, she adds, “That… means a lot.”
And Susie believes her.
She watches Ralsei closely as she disappears down the stairs.
Susie sighs exactly how she usually does after winning a tough battle. Except she hasn't really won this time, has she? She's barely done anything. Ralsei is still wearing that stupid thing on her head, and Susie doesn't think she's getting her room back anytime soon.
Shit, Kris. What have you done?
Her steps reverberate across the hall as she makes her way to her room. She makes the conscious decision to leave the door open a few inches, the possibility of Ralsei being so scared to open it herself she might as well not come fills her body with immediate dread. No matter how silly it sounds, she's not taking any chances. She needs to leave it open.
Closing her eyes, she slides her back down the wall.
Defeated, she sits on the cold wooden floor and draws her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
Staring at her with defiant eyes, across the room, is the tiny version of herself Kris had gifted her in Cyber City.
Ralsei had given it back.