Chapter Text
I’m falling.
I jackknife upright with a scream, arms flailing for something, someone, anything to save me.
My palms smack into metal. An electronic chirp answers me.
I blink.
I’m on the floor of the Hail Mary's cockpit. A blanket lies tangled around my legs, thrown aside by my sudden panic. Curled beside me like a sleeping cat is Rocky, motionless.
Either I fell asleep or I passed out. Whichever it was, every muscle aches from exhaustion and from lying on the floor.
Dread crawls up my spine.
I scramble to my feet and rush to the main console. The trajectory display fills the screen.
Still on course.
Still heading for Erid.
My knees nearly give out. Rocky...
He literally threw himself into open space to save me.
Then he tucked me into a blanket as well as his claws could manage, turned the ship back around, and settled beside me exactly where he'd promised he'd stay. He watched over me until he couldn't keep himself awake anymore.
Jiminy Cricket.
What on earth have I ever done to deserve such a friend?
… well, nothing on earth. I never did anything worthy on Earth.
There is incredible warmth in my heart, a well of gratitude that seems endless for the little rock spider who took a chance by sending a literal message in a bottle hurtling through space. Rocky’d had faith in me before we even met.
I sit back on the floor, and curl around him, encased in his xenonite flexible suit. I observe the make of it, the intricate stitching. He must have been working on it for a while before he used it to save me. He might not even have had the time to stress-test it. And yet. He still came for me.
I’m crying again. My tears plink on the xenonite.
I don’t want to die
Did I say something that pushed Rocky to come back for me? I felt like I’d told him not to, but maybe he heard some subtext. I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to save me. Selfish, selfish and cowardly, and-
“Grace. Rocky will grow moss.”
I jump back as Rocky shakes his limbs under me.
“Rocky! You okay? Wait -moss?”
“If Grace continue to pour water on me. Moss may grow.”
I frown. “Do Eridians really grow moss?”
“Happens, if not take care of the carapace properly.”
I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.
“Made Grace laugh!” Rocky chirps happily. “Grace is okay?”
“Yeah, bud.” I wipe my cheeks dry. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks to you. Holy shnootles, Rock -how did you do that?”
“I did math,” Rocky says. “And then I piloted Mary. She helped.”
I’m so glad I took the time to change the crew log and add Rocky to the list of authorized personnel.
“But you- you saw me! How did you -you jumped on me, Rock!”
“Yes.” Rocky taps his back leg on the floor, as he does when he tries to hear better. “Space really big, Grace really small. But space also really quiet.”
“What –oh. Oh, your echolocation.”
“Yes! Mary says blip detected, Rocky know it’s Grace, so Rocky go to airlock. Sent sound waves in a wide arc toward Mary’s blip. Sound only came back to Rocky when it hit something. Something was Grace, there was nothing else. I found Grace. I jumped. I saved Grace.”
"You were completely blind… You couldn't sense anything."
"Except Grace. I always hear Grace."
“Thank you.” The words escape in a whisper, because my voice gives out under the weight of my emotions. I’m back to shaking, and unfortunately, that makes Rocky hug me tighter, and that makes me cry even more.
I tear myself away from him. He tilts his carapace to the side, like a dog trying to understand what’s happening. Probably doing something with his sound waves to hear the dumb human better.
“Rocky,” I start, voice wobbling. “You have to promise me something. Please.”
“Of course!”
“Never. Ever. Do anything like that ever again.”
Rocky’s carapace tilts even farther. If he keeps this on he’ll be upside down soon.
“No.”
“Rocky. You said you would promise.”
“This is dumb. Rocky never promises anything dumb.”
“You can’t do this, Rock! You can just- just jump out into outer space in a stupid suit you cobbled up in ten minutes! And for what? For me??” I’m angry now. I don’t know why, but I’m furious. “Do you even know what you did?”
“Yes,” Rocky says, almost calmly. “Rocky was there. Rocky knows what Rocky did.”
“No, no, no! You jumped. Out of the ship! For me!”
“Yes. For Grace.”
“You don’t- Jesus Christ, you don’t get it!” I’m pacing now. I don’t remember standing up. My hands find their way to my hair. “You can’t put yourself in danger for me all the time! You have to go home! What about Adrian?”
“Adrian-”
“You’ll make me go to Erid alone and tell Adrian I killed you?! I’m not doing that!”
“But-”
“Or- or even worse, we both die. And then Erid dies because we don’t get the taumeba to them-”
“Grace-”
“And now Earth is saved but not Erid? Are you listening to yourself, Rocky?”
Rocky taps his limbs on the floor, irritated. “Rocky didn’t say anything. You’re not letting Rocky speak.”
“Because you’re being so fucking dumb!” I scream.
The silence that follows lets my swearing echo through the ship. It also lets me hear my own erratic breathing, the way my heart thumps in my ears. There’s a horrible feeling in my guts, in my lungs, something constricting and suffocating. It’s guilt.
Rocky has stopped moving entirely. His body is still tilted, still trying to figure me out.
The silence grows and so does the guilt. I want to cry and stomp my feet and bang my head against the wall, all at the same time.
It feels like years pass before Rocky does something that reminds me of a shrug.
“Grace puts himself in danger to save Rocky, but Rocky can’t do it too? Only Grace can save? Not fair.”
“That’s not- that’s not the issue here!”
“Then what is issue?”
“I’m not worth it, Rocky!” My voice breaks in desperation.
He’s agitated now. He taps all his feet on the floor one after the other, a little dance that looks like he can’t quite choose what to do with all his limbs.
“You say that too when you float away. Why?”
My hands are restless, they need something to do. I hug myself. I need to make him understand, even if he hates me for it.
“I-I’m… I’m not supposed to be here, Rock. This is not my mission! They put me on the ship, they- they forced me to go. I didn’t want to go. I said no! I was a coward! And still I’m the only one who lives through the coma? And the two brave astronauts died before they could do anything? This makes no sense! I’m not supposed to be alive! You can’t kill yourself for- for a coward who sold his entire planet to save his own skin!”
“Grace,” Rocky says, surprisingly gently and evenly against my panicked shrieking. “You are not making sense. What mean, they forced you?”
My breathing speeds up. My head starts to swim. I fall back, hit the wall, and slide down until my head is buried into my knees.
“The- the original science officers. They died before we could launch the Hail Mary. A stupid accident. I should have overseen it, it was stupid, I-”
“Grace. Explain the forced on ship.”
“There was no science expert left, Rock! Except-...”
“Except Grace.”
“Yeah,” I whisper. “Except me. What’s a school teacher doing in space?” I say bitterly. “They told me I was the only one with enough knowledge of astrophage to make the mission succeed. They said there wasn’t anyone else. We didn’t have time to look for anyone else. I was the obvious choice.”
“Grace said no?” asked Rocky, his melodic voice sounding strained.
“Yeah. They gave me three hours to decide if I wanted to go. I said no. I was so scared, Rock! I don’t know the first thing about being an astronaut, I didn’t volunteer, I didn’t- it’s not- this shouldn’t be on me!”
Rocky makes a little noise, similar to a kicked puppy. I can’t look at him.
“But it is on me. Because they’re right. They didn’t have a choice. I said no, because I’m a coward. I was happy to condemn earth to its fate and let it die as long as I didn’t have to… to be in space. I sold my own kids, my students… to save my skin. And- and of course that didn’t happen, right? I mean they couldn’t just let Earth die! So they- um. They chased me. Because I ran, so they caught me. And they, um. They s-sedated me. I tried to fight them off but there were so many and they were holding me down and- and I’m not a fighter, Rocky. I’m a frightened weakling.”
The noise comes again. I don’t know if he’s saying something that I don’t have a translation for, or if it’s just a noise of distress over seeing his friend’s true face for the first time.
“I threatened to sabotage the mission. I said I would destroy the ship as soon as I woke up if they sent me. So Stratt- the leader, she… she gave me some French drug, I don’t know. Something that wiped my memories. I didn’t remember anything when I woke up. Not even my name. And that’s the only reason I worked with you, and the only reason we found Taumeba. If I remembered-... I would have dismantled the ship.” I take a breath. “You see? You see, Rocky? I’m not worth you doing something like that. I’m not worth you. You don’t get to sacrifice yourself for someone like me! I’m not going to be the last survivor of this doomed voyage, I can’t be! That’s not fair!”
I thought I understood guilt before. I didn’t. This is all encompassing, and it hurts so much that I want to tear my own organs out just to make it stop. I want something to hurt physically so that at least I can blame that for the pain.
My eyes are closed so tight and yet I see images flash before me. Ilyukhina, Yao, Dubois, Shapiro, all laughing together. All making attempts at befriending me, and succeeding because even my brand of awkwardness can’t win against Ilyukhina’s enthusiasm.
The explosion. The funerals we had, with no bodies to bury, no family present so the mission wasn’t endangered. And then Ilyukhina and Yao, dead in their bunk. Their body floating off into the depths of the universe. I’ve never believed in an afterlife, but I find myself hoping for one, so that they both could at least see the stars as they left the Hail Mary, as they left me alone.
I hear a thump. I look up, to see Rocky has come a little bit closer, and has now settled with all his limbs neatly folded under his carapace.
“Grace,” he says. His notes are low, soft. “Answer honestly. When you remembered all of this, did Grace want to destroy Mary?”
“What? No. But that’s because I met you. I wouldn’t put you in danger, Rocky, that’s what I’m trying to say!”
“You say a lot of things, but very confusing to Rocky.”
“I’m sorry-”
“No apologies. Is not bad. Just confusing.” He stops, makes a little humming noise. “Earth believed in you.”
This is me believing in you
Some sort of laugh punches its way out of my lungs. “Yeah, well. We all make mistakes.”
“But you saved Earth.”
“Not- not because I wanted to. Just because I had to. I didn’t remember anything, I just knew I had one thing to do, so I did it.”
“Not true,” says Rocky, as if he knows better than me. “You remembered later, yet you stayed. You helped Rocky. You saved Rocky. You sent the beetles. You came back for Rocky.”
“That doesn’t count.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know, it just doesn’t! One good deed doesn’t undo all the rest!”
“And what is so bad? Not want to die?”
I don’t want to die!
“Not want to be killed by earth?”
You’re murdering me!
“Earth betrayed Grace. Said they gave Grace three hours, but didn’t give you real choice. Took your choice away. Bad, bad, bad.”
“What?” I splutter. The surprise makes me raise my head and blink at the strange rock in front of me that’s singing so softly. “Rocky, you didn’t understand-”
“I understand. Confusing, but okay. I understand Grace said no. Grace scared, because not trained properly, not told before, not helped. Nobody helped. Earth ran after you with scary needles, hurt you. Kill you.”
“B-but… they didn’t have a choice, Rock.”
“Always choice,” Rocky says with a sort of finality. “Always. Not fair to only give Grace three hour to decide to kill self. Not fair to say one thing then do another. Not fair to Grace. Grace kind, selfless, brave. Does not deserve to be treated like worth nothing. Grace worth everything.”
I blink again. Tears fall down my cheeks.
“Rocky think about going on mission long time. Talk about it with mate Adrian for many days. Decide together. Nobody force Rocky, because if they tried, Rocky panic. Rocky would run, very scared. Ask Adrian to help hide, and Adrian would help, because Adrian is good. Nobody was good to Grace. Left Grace alone, took choice away, lie lie lie.”
Something is unfurling in my chest as I listen to Rocky speak to me in his soothing melody. It’s warm, and it’s bright, and it pushes the guilt down, down, down.
“They said-” I start, and have to stop to remember to breathe. “They said I had no family. I don’t even have a pet. I didn’t have anyone to- to help. No. I didn’t have anyone…”
A whine escapes me and I put my head back down onto my knees.
A light, soft touch on my ankle, a little three-fingered hand reaching out for me.
“Grace not alone now. Rocky here. And Rocky says Grace is bravest human I’ve ever met!”
“I’m the only human-”
“Rocky don’t want to meet the rest of humans, because humans sent Grace to die alone.”
The little hand is joined by another, and a third one. Slowly, as if to give me the choice to push him away if I want, Rocky gets closer until he’s hugging me against his hard carapace.
“Rocky here now. Grace no longer alone. Rocky will always save Grace, because Grace will always save Rocky. Because Grace scared scared scared, but still choose to talk to alien, to make friends, to go fishing. Grace is brave. But nobody told Grace before so now Grace don’t believe Rocky.”
I reach out, and I hug him back. I’m sobbing against him again.
“But Grace is stupid. Grace should always listen to Rocky because Rocky smartest Eridian!” There’s a pause. “Get it? Is joke. Because Rocky only Eridian Grace knows.”
I laugh through my tears. “Yeah, bud. It’s a great joke.”
“But Adrian smarter than Rocky. Adrian will love Grace. And if Rocky dies-”
“You won’t!”
“-then Adrian will listen to Grace. And forgive Grace. Because Adrian, and Eridian plural, smart smart smart. Know what bravery is. Know Grace was treated badly by Earth. Will help. Always help.”
“You can’t s-say that, Rock. Not for a whole species.”
“Can. Know. Adrian will love Grace no matter how they meet, and Erid will protect Grace always. And Rocky will not die, because Grace won’t let it happen!”
“Of course not!”
“Then Rocky will not let it happen to Grace! Tit for tit!”
“... what?”
“Exchange.”
“... tit for tat?”
“What is tat?”
I’m truly laughing now, against his warm body. I’m still crying though.
“Rock… I love you, buddy.”
“Rocky love Grace! Yes, yes, yes! Finally, Grace understand. Rocky always save Grace, Grace always save Rocky, deserve deserve deserve! Grace Rocky save stars!”
I sit up a bit, and see the tears I’ve left on his beautiful suit.
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, trying to wipe it with my sleeve.
He trills softly, leaning into my touch. I tap against his carapace gently.
“Rocky… can… when we get to Erid, would it be possible to, um… make something for my crewmates? I’m not asking for an entire monument or anything, but something. A tombstone, maybe.”
“Yes! Erid will celebrate brave brave brave humans who died to save stars. Make monument! Make funerals! Thank thank thank them.”
“Thank you,” I breathe.
I feel so much calmer now. The guilt that was tearing me apart is still there, a hard ball of resentment for myself that’s settling into my stomach. It will never leave. But as long as Rocky is here, maybe it will be quiet.
I look down at him, at the best friend I’ve ever had.
"...Are you really able to grow moss?"
"Yes." Rocky pauses. "But only if Grace cries on me for many years."
I smile. "Guess you'll have to keep saving me, then."
"Correct."