Chapter Text
Gary was sweating bullets the whole way back. He felt weightless and filled with dread at the same time. This was because Gary Smith was not gay, and he would never be gay. An instictual fear caused him to shiver, although it wasn't cold.
What does this mean? Do I...really like Jimmy like that? Gary cursed himself for that stupid plan he made yesterday. What was he thinking? Never mind the fact that Jimmy had soft lips that made his heart race. It felt strange and off. Gary told himself that he had to fix things. Right a wrong and sweep that whole incident under the rug. That’s why when Jimmy approached him the next morning in the dorms, Gary gave him his best smirk.
“Look who’s here.” He said to no one in particular. Jimmy briefly frowned, confused.
“Gary, I-“
“Still thinking with that dirty twisted mind of yours?” Gary tapped the side of his head. No one would ever get to see his impressive intellect unless he spelled it out for them. He was a hawk in the chicken coop, a lion among the sheep. Whatever the fuck that one metaphor was. “Couldn’t you tell that it was a joke?”
Jimmy’s frown deepened. Gary took that as a sign to keep going, ignoring the heaviness growing in his gut.
“I can’t believe you fell for it, Hopkins. And here I thought you would be smarter than that. Guess I was wrong though. My brilliance must be leagues ahead.”
“Just stop already.” Jimmy responded. But he couldn’t! His mind was finally racing with all those beautiful ideas about power, control, and annexation. About him as the leader, ordering around every student. Latching onto this obsession of his preventing him from stuttering or blushing n front of Jimmy.
“Gary.” God, he should’ve stopped taking his medication ages ago! It was simply slowing him down. Maybe that was what caused him to act all loopy and accept Jimmy's kiss. He needed a cigarette. Anything to distract himself from how adorable Jim's face was when it was scrunched up like that.
“GARY!” Jimmy exclaimed, jostling him out of his daydream. “Where are your pills?”
Gary scowled at Jimmy’s suspicious tone. “That’s none of your business.”
“If you hadn’t kept interrupting me with your weird narcissistic rant, I would’ve said that…I enjoyed yesterday.” Jimmy grit his teeth, running out of steam. “That’s it, alright? I’ll leave you alone now.”
He…enjoyed yesterday? Gary swallowed, staring down at his feet. A dizzying flurry of emotions barged into his head all at the same time. Jimmy must have misunderstood things. He was trapped because Gary liked to watch him squirm, not because of some ulterior motive like romance. How crazy would that be?
Gary chuckled, having a silent conversation with himself. Yes. Crazy. Only crazy people would do things like build a plan to keep a boy enclosed in the palm of their hand. Only crazy people would feel the thrill of seeing that boy fight back.
Good thing he wasn’t crazy at all.
An answer rose up in Gary’s head, clear as day. Jimmy just took things the wrong way. He never saw ahead, that was his problem. It was all a prank to keep him tied around Gary’s finger.
I’ll keep him with me forever, thought Gary excitedly. Forever in my grasp so I can achieve my master plan.
-
Jimmy wasn’t shocked. In fact, he sort of expected Gary to lose grip on reality. Which was why he was rummaging through Gary’s nightstand instead of attending geography class. Mostly it was due to his certainty that Gary was lying, but also because geography was the most boring subject on earth.
Aha. Jimmy lifted a cylinder-shaped bottle out of the back of the bottom drawer, nearly filled to the brim with white pills. Gary hadn’t taken a single one.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jimmy sighed out loud. He really thought Gary was making progress. There was that stint with the therapist that Gary described as “Okayish.” (In Gary terms this meant it was the best treatment he’s ever gotten). And there was that one time where he actually tried to apologize to Petey before breaking down crying like a baby in a gas station parking lot.
Now all of it was thrown out the window. Jimmy gripped the bottle tighter. I’m not letting him slip away again. Lord knows what Gary ever did when he was off his meds. Maybe he was lighting something on fire right now. Or spreading more gossip.
Jimmy stood up and wiped the dust from his knees, studying Gary’s room again. There were clothes strewn everywhere, and a huge pile of t-shirts were crowding the laundry basket. They looked like they hadn't been worn in months, moth-eaten and collecting dust. There were other objects under the bed, haphazardly scattered in the shadows. He noticed a dark spot on the wooden wardrobe where Gary set off a firecracker a few months ago and nearly activated the alarm.
Time to find him again. Jimmy thought tiredly. Gary was unfortunately good at keeping himself scarce. Jimmy had no idea how many hiding spots there could be in Bullworth Academy alone, but he had to start somewhere. He was determined to keep Gary in check. Just as he took a step from the drawer-
Creak.
“Oh shit,” Jimmy swore, his mind whirling into several different possibilities. An arm appeared, and then Gary’s whole body stuck out from the doorframe. Jimmy watched with abject horror as Gary’s expression darkened.
“Hopkins.” He snarled. Jimmy tried putting his hands behind his back, but it was too late. “What are you doing with my things?”
“I just wanted to help-”
“So you decided to steal?” Gary countered, eyebrows furrowed together in rage. Jimmy held his breath, waiting for the explosion that was about to arrive. “I- Why would you-”
Then, the lines of his face contorted and settled into a placed smile. His eyes dilated, as if going out of focus.
“...Gary?”
“I should have known that you would do something reckless. You do nothing but hinder my progress.” Gary said, placing each word down with a cold precision.
“W-what-” Why was he smiling? Jimmy’s shoulders shot up as Gary walked forward.
“I said it was a prank. A joke. Can you not process that information in your small, useless brain?” Gary lifted a single accusing finger, still with a vague effect of indifference. “The only reason I’m keeping you around is because you do things without question. It’s adorable, really-” He snorted mockingly. “But I don’t know whether to trust you now.”
“I care about you.” Jimmy said helplessly. Gary’s eyes grew impossibly darker.
“Sure you do. That’s what my parents said too before they dumped me here.” Gary’s fingers twitched. “Don’t forget your place, Hopkins. You wouldn’t want to become dead weight in a school like this, would you?” His arm clawed at Jimmy’s side, trying to snatch the bottle.
“Get off!” Jimmy wrenched Gary away, gripping him firmly by the wrist. He had a fast enough reaction time to dodge Gary’s next attack, ducking under his sloppy right hook. “Gary, I swear to god-”
Give it to me. Give it right now-” Gary rambled, lurching forward. He had an advantage in height, so he was able to pin Jimmy to the cracked wall. Jimmy felt Gary’s hot breath on his neck. “I will kill you.”
“You know what I think?” Jimmy raised his voice until it filled the room. “I think you truly wanted me to kiss you.”
“SHUT UP!” Gary jolted and shook his head like a wild animal.
“I think you were drooling and frothing at the mouth to have me beside you. You weren’t faking it at all.”
“I WAS! I’d never be as- as gullible and empty-headed as you think I am!” Jimmy was getting worried that a prefect would enter, wondering what all the noise was about. Gary was screaming his head off and his cheeks were flushed.
“Stop smiling, Gary.”
Gary’s eyes were red and brimming with tears. His grin was still dutifully plastered on. “You disgust me, Hopkins. Even if we were the only two people left on this planet I’d never want to be with you. Got it?”
Jimmy’s eyes darted around the features of Gary’s face. Every part of him was tensed and shaking. Gary was at his breaking point.
Something must have happened. The night before I saw him again. A moment passed. Gary started hyperventilating, as though there wasn’t enough air and he was going to faint.
“Okay,” Jimmy said at last. He rolled the bottle out of his palm into Gary’s spasming fingers. “You win, Gary.”
“Yes. Yes, of course I won.” Gary shuddered and let go of Jimmy, slumping forward. “Of course I would win. Everything is going according to plan…”
“Just tell me one thing.” Jimmy spoke softly, lifting his hands up in surrender. “I…heard you speaking in your sleep last night. I couldn’t tell what you were saying.”
Gary flinched, becoming pale. “Don’t you dare tell-”
“I won’t! I swear I won’t.” Jimmy had to make sure he said the wrong thing, or else he could be risking Gary’s entire relationship with him. “We’re on the same side.”
Gary sucked in large breaths, steadying himself against the closest piece of furniture. “Right. Right you are, Hopkins. It’s all coming together. I can do it. We can do it. And I can finally reach the greatness I’ve always deserved.”
Jimmy carefully shuffled towards Gary. He noticed the dark rings under Gary’s eyes.
“Just…tell me when you're ready. This isn’t over.” He said, before drifting towards the hallways. His eyes stayed glued to the top of Gary’s head until he had to force himself to stop.
-
Gary scoffed as he looked up and saw Jimmy out of the corner of his eye. He was being watched. What a creep, spying like he had any right to learn about Gary’s life.
Gary picked at the peeling label of the bottle. The pills were poison, designed to slow him down and keep him complacent. There was no way he’d ever put one in his mouth ever again.
Thud! He hurled the container to the wall, and it bounced off onto the floor. If he had an audience, he might as well put on a show.
“Why can’t you just stay out of my head,” He whispered angrily. “Stay out forever. I know you hate me now.”
Footsteps. Was Jimmy walking away? Gary suddenly felt as though he was being dunked underwater, with only the feeling of numbness seeping through his bones. His lifeline was gone.
“He’s not my lifeline. I don’t need a lifeline.” He said unconvincingly, crossing his arms. Trying to avoid the revelation he had received last night.
The moon was out. That much he remembered. Jimmy was in his dreams.
Oh god. Not this again. Gary squeezed his eyes shut. They had…kissed. On the lips. Gary remembered seeing Jimmy’s eyes. They sparkled in the light.
It all felt terrifyingly real. Gary hadn’t known whether to lean in or push away.
A hot shame coursed through his veins. He couldn’t believe that he yelled and had a breakdown right in front of Jimmy. And now, he ruined everything because he was too arrogant to admit the truth. He wanted to curl up and die.
“What am I going to do?” He cried out, holding his head in his hands. The reality of the situation came barreling towards him, and he had no way to stop it. All he could do now was wallow in shame and misery.
“If only I wasn’t a coward.” He muttered to himself. “If only I-”
“If only I told him I loved him.”