Chapter Text
Day 5
I feel like I'm losing sight of why I'm doing this but I'm too far deep to change it anymore.
I feel like I would be a lie if I went back to choosing to stay. It has already affected Rangi this much. She can't leave my side now. I only get to write late at night when I know she’s asleep.
I'm exhausted from getting up and doing the things I need to do. I put them off till the last second. I don't have motivation. Motivation to get up and do my duty. Should I just? Shorten my days at this point? The longer I stay the longer people go without proper help.
I can’t do it any time soon though, Rangi is a light sleeper. I can't get up from the bed without her opening an eye. I'm going to have to convince her till day 50 that I'm actually okay.
So, till then I'll keep putting on an act as much as possible. With Rangi now watching my every move I can’t numb the pain through what I did to myself. I hate that Rangi had to see the stains. She won’t allow me to be alone. I can’t say it hasn't helped. It has. She's given me a lot of distractions from the thoughts. She shows me in different ways how she loves me without ever saying those words.
I know she loves me and I love her. I love her so much that I'll kill myself to help her not carry any of my burdens. I simply want the best for her. I never admitted out loud that I would kill myself especially to Rangi.
But.
Rangi can really read me like an open book. The others haven't noticed since I decided this but Rangi- always. notices. It's kinda a pain not because I don't want her to notice, but because part of me does. Wow. I'm just writing without thinking. I didn't really realize myself that I wanted her to pull me out of the water.
It feels like I'm not writing some of this but Yangchen is in a way. I know my past lives have been interfering with my thoughts I can feel it. Whe- When my thoughts don’t feel like myself. I think if it wasn't for them I would have done it a long time ago. Maybe I should meditate again?
Actually talk to them once more. I don't know what advice I'm looking for. But I can feel the pull of needing to talk to them. I've been avoiding them for so long because I didn't wanna be convinced otherwise. Just like last time I talked to them, but maybe this is what I need? Im not sure what im thinking.
I’ll talk to Rangi about it in the morning. I know that will make her somewhat happy. After everything I've put her through these past couple of days.