Chapter Text
By the third visit, the guards had started a schedule.
"He's early today," one whispered.
"I had noon."
"I had one o'clock."
"You owe me three silver."
The castle doors exploded open.
"..."
"..."
"..."
One guard looked at the other.
"He didn't even break anything this time."
"He's improving."
Shadow Milk strode into the throne room with all the confidence of someone who had spent the previous evening writing *'More Intimidating Things to Say'* in a notebook.
This time, he wasn't here to threaten.
Threats clearly weren't working.
No.
Today called for something far more effective.
Psychological warfare.
Pure Vanilla looked up from his desk.
"Oh! Hello again."
"..."
"Would you like some tea?"
"..."
"I made enough for two."
Shadow Milk pointed an accusatory finger.
"That's exactly what I expected you to say."
Pure Vanilla blinked.
"...It is?"
"Yes."
"I don't understand."
"I know."
Shadow Milk sauntered forward.
Slowly.
Purposefully.
He leaned one elbow on the edge of Pure Vanilla's desk.
"I've been thinking."
"That sounds productive."
"...Don't interrupt."
"Sorry."
"I've come to a conclusion."
Pure Vanilla folded his hands.
"I'm listening."
Shadow Milk smirked.
"You're unbearably predictable."
"..."
"You smile."
"..."
"You offer tea."
"..."
"You forgive people far too easily."
"..."
"You are, without question..."
He leaned in.
"...the most hopelessly naïve Cookie I have ever met."
Silence.
Pure Vanilla smiled.
"...Thank you."
Shadow Milk's eye twitched.
"...That..."
"...Wasn't a compliment."
"Oh."
Pure Vanilla looked genuinely surprised.
"I'm sorry."
"..."
"I thought you meant I was consistent."
A guard quietly buried his face in his hands.
"No," Shadow Milk sighed.
"I meant you're ridiculously trusting."
"I try to see the good in everyone."
"There is no good in me."
"I disagree."
"You shouldn't."
"I do."
"I've literally admitted to evil."
"I heard you."
"I threatened your kingdom."
"I remember."
"I keep breaking your doors."
Pure Vanilla glanced toward the latest splintered doorway.
"...Actually, today's survived."
Shadow Milk looked over his shoulder.
"..."
"...Huh."
This was getting off track.
Again.
He cleared his throat dramatically.
"Fine."
"If insults won't work..."
Pure Vanilla waited.
"...Then perhaps honesty will."
"..."
"..."
"...You have terrible taste in decorations."
The throne room gasped.
Even the guards looked offended.
Pure Vanilla slowly turned to look at the stained-glass windows.
"...Really?"
"They're..."
Shadow Milk gestured vaguely.
"...Very bright."
"I like bright."
"I noticed."
"They make people feel welcome."
"I noticed."
"They remind me that hope still exists."
"I unfortunately noticed."
Pure Vanilla nodded thoughtfully.
"I'll keep them."
Shadow Milk sighed.
"I expected nothing less."
"...Can I ask you something?"
Shadow Milk narrowed his eyes.
"...No."
"Why do you always come alone?"
"..."
"..."
"...What?"
"I've never seen you bring Black Sapphire or Candy Apple."
"I don't need to."
"So..."
Pure Vanilla tilted his head.
"...You came all this way by yourself?"
"...Yes."
"...Just to argue with me?"
"..."
"...No."
"..."
"...Maybe."
There was a long silence.
One of the guards whispered,
"Oh, he's cooked."
The other nodded solemnly.
"Absolutely doomed."
Pure Vanilla suddenly smiled.
"...I'm glad."
Shadow Milk blinked.
"...Why?"
"I think..."
Pure Vanilla hesitated.
"...You enjoy having someone to talk to."
"..."
"..."
"...Excuse me?"
"You always stay longer than you need to."
"I do not."
"You do."
"I leave dramatically."
"Eventually."
"I leave immediately."
"You've been here twenty-seven minutes."
"..."
"..."
"...Who's timing me?"
Every guard in the room looked away.
"This is ridiculous."
Shadow Milk crossed his arms.
"I have better things to do."
"Like what?"
"..."
"...Evil."
"What kind?"
"..."
"...Classified."
Pure Vanilla laughed.
It wasn't loud.
It wasn't mocking.
Just warm.
The sound echoed gently through the throne room.
Shadow Milk forgot what he was going to say next.
"..."
"..."
"...Why are you laughing?"
"You make me laugh."
"I am a menace."
"I know."
"I am terrifying."
"You try very hard."
"I DON'T TRY—"
He stopped.
The entire room was looking at him.
"..."
"...I do not appreciate being perceived."
---
Pure Vanilla's smile softened.
"I know."
"..."
"..."
"...You're impossible."
"I've been told that."
"I'll be back."
"I know."
"And next time..."
Shadow Milk pointed dramatically toward him.
"...I'm bringing a real plan."
Pure Vanilla nodded.
"I look forward to it."
"...You shouldn't."
"I probably shouldn't."
"..."
"...But I do."
Shadow Milk disappeared into the shadows.
Outside the castle walls, he leaned against a tree.
"...He's doing this on purpose."
A crow landed nearby.
"Caw."
"I know he's nice."
"Caw."
"It's suspicious."
"Caw."
"...Don't agree with him."
The crow cawed louder.
Shadow Milk scowled.
"You're fired."
The crow flew away.
"...I don't even employ crows."