Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

THE EXTRAS!

FOR ALL THAT ARE TUNING IN FOR THIS STUPID LITTLE CHAPTER 12 13 (because i didnt mean for it to get this long) THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I actually cried when I reached the end of writing this. I'd wanted to write something like this for years and to finally do it, to complete it, for it to be this long and this well received has truly been one of the most wonderful things that’s happened to me.

I know the ending might not be what you wanted and I'm sure it's not what I wanted but uhhh that's life!

For anyone interested in the backstory behind all of this: Hi, I’m Void and for the last four years I have been deeply infatuated with my ex boyfriend who also happens to be my best friend.

This story is waaay less messy than the real situation simply because my situation is infinitely less hopecore in infinitely more “This guy (me) has an obsessive personality.”

(Also is this a little bit toxic to air our shit out? Well yes! But if YOU had to deal with keeping it all bottled up for 4 years you’d go a little crazy too teehee. But also HE DID THAT SHIT.)

Chapters 1-3:

• Chapters one through 3 are more like from my ex’s point of view. He apparently really hated me at first which is really funny because this guy is a chronic dgafer. He would apparently complain to one of his friends about me EXTENSIVELY 
• I had a scene i thought about putting at the beginning setting up the idea of his friends being locked out of what's going on

Engineer: dude

You can’t just send me ss of ur convo

Architect:?

Engineer: that’s like your convo

Architect: we send ss all the time what are you on about

Engineer: I mean

It feels weird considering I don’t know him

Like

At all

I’m fine if it’s like someone I know

But this just feels private

He wants to get to know YOU not you and also your friend who’s reading the texts

Idk does that make sense

Architect: ig

• This is based on a real thing my friends said to me when i had told them about something my ex said to me (we’ll get there)

• Funnily enough i did kinda brute force us into becoming friends somehow, still dont know how i did that
• I actually became his friend because his name was the only one I recognized on the class list and asked him to be my buddy in class. And immediately after felt stupid and tried to TRANSFER OUT OF CLASS
• (Mind you i didn't even like him during this time, we weren't even friends I just have ‘everyone hates me’ anxiety)
• The bday party was based on my bday party in which one of my friends was trying to guess my crush while he was RIGHT THERE and then I whispered it to her afterwards
• That had also been the first time i admitted i actually did like him (NOOOO LITTLE VOID NOOOOO)
• My ex and I got together because I had been yelling to one of my friends (my thomas as i thought of her) agonizing for months about it and she went “o are you actually going crazy cuz i can tell you if he likes you” and i went “wait yeah, we should ask someone who would know,” and she goes “no. like I know.” and i went “what.”
• So turns out he DID like me, he faux hired ‘Thomas’ and another friend to help figure out if I liked HIM and then tried to ask me out before but CHICKENED OUT
• The only thing i texted her was “are you shitting on my grave.”
• Anyways i asked him out yaaay

CHAPTER 4:

• The cut straight to the breakup was my favorite part because you cannot lie, expecting at least one happy chapter of them together because oh hehe they just got together only to look and it begins with a breakup text? Horrifying. 
• I said this in the chapter 6 end note but flux’s message to the GC was deadass what i said to my friend.
• We broke up right after a date too btw, which makes it both funnier and more tragic. I had just been telling her about how I asked what his boundaries were (mostly cuz I wanted to hold his hand because YES! In the three months we dated, we never even held hands!) and immediately after he was like “uhhhhhhhh idk if i can do this” which is,, objectively funny.
• He’s unironically one of the funniest people i know 
• The 30 minute rule is real and when used correctly is a great technique recommended by many therapists! A shame Flux is not using it correctly and instead uses it to ignore everything
• The texts! Oh the texts. We left out a LOT in this era i wish I could have included but i didnt want to make this chapter literally just autofiction.
• Flux’s relationship with Cyn is based on my real life relationship with my sister, we’re very close and she’s listened to this whole situation (thank you el bibter)
• The “it was mutual” thing is a joke to me because I made a joke with myself talking about SOMETHING related to this and went “I mean, our breakup was mutual- no it wasn’t- but it was mutual” trying to gaslight myself and its the funniest fucking thing because no tf it wasn’t king.
• There was no way to insert this into the story but me and ‘the muse’ didn’t actually text very often BECAUSE!!! We share a friend group! Oops all friends! 
• Snowbird’s question to flux of “why are you still friends with him” is one i’ve gotten asked a lot and most times i just say “I would not win in the divorce,” because I’d only take like 3 friends out of like 10 with me
• The group formed while we were dating and in the ensuing back and forth
• Oh yeah the back and forth
• Guys, never ask your ex with good music taste for music 
• Instead of, yk, dealing with my emotions I got really into his music taste. Unfortunately he did keep sending me love songs. Which could mean nothing. 
• We still share music to this day, although there are infinitely less love songs, which is the preferred method.
• I DO HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT THIS: I really like Apiary by gingerbee, I actually made a few art pieces inspired by it. Anyways all of us (as in my friend group) have a music sharing app where we can see what we listen to. I posted a song to my note and he listened to it. And he kept doing that. PETAL DANCE IS MY SONG. GET UR OWN. 
• So he scalps my music sometimes
• Recently he scalped a song that's a very love song from my favorite band and I literally screamed at my phone because THAT'S NOT FOR YOU. THAT'S MYYYY SAD SAPPY LOVE SONG GET OOOOOUT.
• “Why are you stalking his music?” have you considered I hate myself a little bit and also its really funny.

CHAPTER 5

• Ok so chapter 5 is like,, the actual beginning of my crashout
• TLDR: We had been lowkey flirting for months AFTER breaking up. Like the entirety of my jr year was a strange back and forth. At one point he asked me out to prom, for NO REASON bought me a flower (a yellow rose which i now look at and laugh about because Foreshadowing is a literary device) and then that same day when I asked him “hey do you like sagan hawkes, i think you’d like his videos” he just went “hey, we should talk about us, I don't like you.”
• ????
• Ok but do you like sagan hawkes (i later learned he does enjoy the music he makes which makes me mad because “YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION’
• Get very used to this
• Also he stood me up at prom but we move.
• The Len situation
• I cannot legally elaborate on the joke that is the name unforch but trust its super funny and shady
• After being stood up i decided, yk what. No. I’m gonna talk to other people, try and get over this guy
• I started talking to someone new! And as one does I told my friend group!
• The group HE is in. 
• And he just kinda,,, iced me out. Wouldn’t really talk to me, everyone else he was fine with so I was like “what the hell. He can’t be jealous, he said he didn’t like me”

CHAPTER 6:

• So uh,,, i asked him “do you still like me” and he said VERBAITUM
• “Yes but it's weird.”
• And that's pt 1 of what inspired flux’s crashout. 
• In all truth its a combo of multiple crashouts over the yrs combined into one. Mainly three:
• The “yes but its weird” (never learned what that meant btw)
• The time after “Len” and I stopped talking (because I wasn’t over my ex LOLZ that’s on me) and I went and was like “hey what was that about, did you ever like me?” and he just went “we should stay friends” hey man, not what I was asking.
• That one time he apologized, I accepted for a year by lying and saying everything was fine until realizing a year later I don't HAVE to accept apologies and telling him i didnt forgive him.
• And then when he asked if there was anything I needed, like space or anything i asked if he ever liked me and he then ghosted me for two days before sending the worst fucking love song ive heard in my life
• The song was nettys girl by the beastie boys
• Also he later said the song was like a big funny joke song. Right, ok man. Shove it.
• Also the line, “right, ok” was an actual thing i had said to him the day before chapter 4 was published because after my bday party he had just left and just went “hey man, I just wanted to call again and say happy birthday.” right ok, cool. It's been less than 5 minutes since you left-- “and, and and and,,, I love you.”
• If you don't get off my phone.
• Anyways later when i asked why he did that he was like “idk i was trying to do a bit.” Bro what was the bit. So i got mad and blocked him for a week.
• Also i need you to know this but after he texted some of our friends and I had to send the screenshots of our convo to our friends and they went “ooh,,,, yeah uhhhh hm.” and just told him “yeah hes mad at you and said ur not getting unblocked” and he was like “thats fair” anyways i didnt block his insta (just muted and restricted him) or his airbuds. And I think its so funny cuz like after a day or two he started sending me reels again on insta (we already did this anyway I am still leaving a lot out of what I am telling here) and also!
• This man was listening to the saddest soggiest songs in existence, I mean sopping wet.
• Anyways my therapist told me to use my words so I unblocked him but didn’t say anything and that same day i got a text that was promptly deleted BUT
• This bitch was still messaging me while blocked. Oh he's so lame hes so pathetic, I am fascinated.
• Anyways i finally set the boundary “dont say that to me again” even tho i say it to our other friends but yk what he should know why he can’t say it to me.

CHAPTER 7:

• Sometimes when I’m sad or not feeling well my mom will make soups because she knows i love soup
• Those are real board games. I have never played them but they sound so funny and i’ve considered buying them for a friend group game night.
• In my senior year i kinda gave up on telling any of my friends because they’d all just say “its been two years, get over it” and get upset at ME for being upset at him for never answering my questions
• So I genuinely pulled a FLux and did NAWT talk to people very much. I was really mean and harsh and a bad friend but also they were too.
• It kinda culminated because shortly after I got broken up with by “Len” my friend got into a relationship she would tell me the most brainless uninteresting stuff about.
• Deadass texted me “omg he bought me a cookie” while i cant even talk about having a crush because I’ll just get shamed.
• So then I kinda deleted her from my insta stories and vauged her and also made an entire animation not ABOUT her but it was shading her.
• This is what I mean when I say I was a bad person here, but I have grown and changed.
• Do not worry Void fans! We are still friends and have had to talk to each other about it because it was rude of her to constantly put me down about something I can't control and it was really mean of me to vague her.

CHAPTER 8:

• I hadn’t planned for the heart to heart with Crow but I thought of a convo I had with my mom once 
• My parents are still very much happily together, but it was kinda related
• I mostly just wanted to use the part where she had asked why I asked and i had to just sit there like :/ cuz its embarrassing to explain to ur MOTHER you’re agonizing over a t4t situationship that happened 4 years ago
• I think it was important to have Thomas and Flux stay mad at each other, just because you apologize doesn’t mean the hurt just vanishes.
• Also I hate when people are like “I didn’t mean it” in arguments. Bro. You said the worst thing you could think of that is TARGETED to the person, clearly you did because you have to have thought about what would hurt them most.
• Also my argument philosophy is in most arguments both people have some crumb of “yk they’re right” to it. Because otherwise it feels like one of those #owned kinda arguments that feel flat.
• Snowbird,,, yeah i have nothing to say on that except he’s kinda like me constantly talking about my fun hinge and dating app stories and my ex constantly dissociating and locking back in once I stop talking about them.
• Mayhaps a bit of psychological torment for thee?

CHAPTER 9:

• I originally wasn’t going to put Flux in therapy, but thinking about my own life and how for a good year or two, (most of senior yr and freshman undergrad) I wasn’t in therapy and had just left a horrible therapist who made everything worse and ALSO! Had my first ever major psychotic episode.
• I thought about including it but because that time in my life was a blur and also it was a mix of various things I decided not to.
• Check up on your friends if they suddenly get really religious or start talking about hearing voices from the gods!
• Tldr: yall could have gotten some thomsaps crumbs ig (crumbs because it’s not real)
• Perhaps one day i’ll write a oneshot thing where the entire premise is Flux doesn’t know Saps has a twin and keeps thinking Saps has a crush on Thomas because in that context it sounds way less bad than whatever was happening in my mind
• And the fact that I’m doing a lot better and talking about my issues with my friends because I got a new therapist.
• She says hi btw, I’ve been telling her about all the nice comments I’ve gotten so far
• The heart to heart with Thomas is inspired by a time I went with my friend to an aquarium. While I didn’t have a heart to heart with them about this whole thing, it was still nice because I really like fish
• I wanted to wait to have Flux explain what was actually going on here because I hate the idea of having him explain to a still angry and hurt Thomas about HIS sob story. It also made the talk with Micro in the room make more sense as to why that was such a diss because nobody but Snowbird in the family knows why Saps is blocked
• Which also means he kept his promise and didn’t say anything
• I also hadn’t originally planned to have Flux and Saps “get back together” at one point, but while I was writing I was like “I feel like this could add some depth” because what’s more gut wrenching than getting broken up with once but TWICE where they admit they don’t like you
• It also makes what Saps says at the cafe WORSE because hoooly shit what.
• Also because I think that's like, the cruelest thing to happen to me and I highkey wanna make it his problem
• Thomas reacting with that anger is something I really wanted when I told my friends.
• Eventually they got there once I actually explained it a bit deeper than just “he broke up with me” because they had no idea this was happening and then they went “oh,,, yeah idk what was up with that”

CHAPTER 10:

• This entire chapter was an accident. Chapter 11 was supposed to be chapter 10 and I was like, oh. Maybe I can make him go to hot topic hehe, what if Sera worked there and then I realised.
• She hasn’t seen him in 4 months since he stormed off, nobody heard from him for a month. 
• Oh my god, they think he killed himself
• Because imagine for a moment, you are Sera.
• Your friend is passionately arguing and being mean to your OTHER friend, and then drops a bombshell that a THIRD friend has been leaking information to his ex. And then just storms off.
• And now you’re left with little context to what just happened with two friends who are stunned into silence and feeling shame and you have to pretend for everyone elses sake that you’re ok.
• And then your friend drops the bomb that the friend that stormed off didn’t drive
• And for a moment you’re relieved because that means he can’t drive dangerously!
• But then it clicks that you have no idea where he went. 
• THATS HOOOORRIFYING!!!!
• And I couldn’t just leave her angry and then just make her forgive him like immediately because i know I’d be MAD AS HELL
• Let her be mad!
• Although for her she was with him until he was like “i didn’t think y’all would care,” because you really think so little of her?
• She’s pissed at you and still sat with you while you had a panic attack and that's all you can say?
• I also like that I was able to let Thomas call Flux out because sometimes you need someone to say “therapy isn't enough, you actually have to do the work.”
• It pisses me off when a character/person goes to therapy and acts like it magically fixes all their problems. Baby, therapy only works if you listen.
• IDK why but it is always in my head that Gotoga is babysitting Rotation 
• Also I must include in my mind in the Thomspr family tree Gotoga is like Rotation’s older cousin who they ask to babysit
• Also this never comes up but Sidefall is in fact Flux’s distant cousin.

CHAPTER 11:

• This was a MISTAAAAKE I had to cut chapter 10 down because I STILL hadn’t gotten to the ONE PLOT POINT in the outline.
• Genuinely this was the outline
• Dec: winter break 2.

He and Thomas have a heart to heart at the aquarium. 

---

• Plot convenient snowbird birthday party! Saps and flux duck away and talk, saps apologizes, they agree they were both kind of immature and agree to be friends. 

• Genuinely chapters 9-11 were all supposed to be ONE CHAPTER!!!!! ONE!!!!!!
• But everyone TALKS TOO MUCH!!!!
• Newkids is a cryptid to me, I always imagine he’s just always up to some weird shit somewhere
• His fun segment was inspired by that one person on twt who does not play about newkids because I get it
• Also the overcooked bit was inspired by Never Have I Ever (I want to) - Ayshell_C - State SMP | ish's Civilization Series [Archive of Our Own] which is so good pls read it
• Also because I am not allowed to play overcooked because I WILL get angry
• I’m gonna hold your hand when I say this,,,
• Flux is a weak weak man.
• Is Saps’ apology sufficient? 
• Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
• Idk I like to think if someone is willing to apologize and like, actually put they whole puss into it I’d forgive them
• I wish I could gather my friends and tell them what the fuck happened because it could be so funny. 
• I call this situation an ouroboros because it constantly feels like a dumb dumb stupid cycle that I’ve been stuck in for years.
• The line from Saps about figuring out he was blocked was a reference to the real situation where I blocked him for a week, silently unblocked him, and he texted around an hour later clearly not expecting it to work
• The idea of someone trying and sending messages into a void expecting nothing and suddenly getting a reply is a puzzling ordeal frankly

CHAPTER 12

I cried when I finished this chapter. 

• This chapter is very disjointed and feels more like vignettes because well,,, it is! Sometimes life is boring and I didn’t know how to articulate that outside of just telling little blurbs of his life.
• Enjoy this blurb I cut but I still think is funny:

Another good part of being home for the summer was the amount of time he was truly allowed to devote to his true passion, fighting with randoms on the internet.

Engineer:

Flux

Buddy

I am getting all of your tweets on my timeline and they are calling for your head

 

Snowbird ❄️🥶🥶🦅🦅:

Oh god

What’s he fighting about now

 

Engineer:

Some stupid code geass argument 

 

Architect:

They’re incorrectly powerscaling lelouch

They keep saying goku would win

Bro can literally command him to lose and ur telling me that he’s one of the weakest mc ever?

 

Snowbird❄️🥶🥶🦅🦅:

Right

I understood all of that

 

Engineer:

Glad you’re having fun

Please don’t get doxxee

I prefer my best friend alive and I swatted

*unswatted

 

Architect:

I make no promises

• I have never watched code geass in my life
  • Update: i have now started watching after being told i should (thank you Sol), clovis kinda cunty w/it
  • Update again: Lelouch is so ugly when he's trying to aura farm but when he's not hes kinda cunt with it
  • also I love CC
• I also love writing siblings, my favorites! 
• I LOVE MEOWAWA DUO!!!
• Flux’s realisation was inspired by MY realisation that this was my life now
  • Imagine, you’re at the concert of your favorite band with two of your friends. You found this band because one of their songs reminded you of your ex. 
  • As they’re playing, in a dark DARK bar, all you can see is the silhouette of them in the mosh pit. And all you can think at that moment is ‘this is my life now.’
  • There is more to this story ofc but suffice to say that was like the closest i felt to an “oh” moment
• I genuinely refuse to use any word with a larger feeling than ‘large scale appreciation.’ absolutely refuse. 
  • However, I did have a mini breakdown when I realized it. Mostly in the sense that I AGONIZED about it 
  • So much agony
• WHY DOES FLUX “forgive” SAPS??
  • Not to get too personal (i say in the personal story chapter) but part of it in my mind is like a form of self harm. Keeping someone near you even though it HURTS. It hurts so much to think about.
  • Its like punishing yourself for feeling these things, and I think Flux, who I’ve tried to show having casual self harming tendencies (picking at things, scratching himself, blowing up his life) would absolutely also do this.
  • He does truly want to be friends with saps and I don’t go into this but when you breakup with a friend there will always be that feeling that you ruined it by messing up a perfectly good friendship. I think that Flux would 100% struggle with that and feel like it was his fault for accepting.
  • Sorry, that's just something I thought a lot about and there wasn’t enough space to fully fit the thoughts into the chapter. 
  • I actually have a lot of thoughts about this but I don't wanna gooseworks and just explain details I didn’t put into the story but also I don't want to bore you with my own thoughts regarding this even though I have,,, a lot.
• Something something Pili Dtowncat is the best character in this
• Also this never comes up but in my mind by this point Flux is on antidepressants (FINALLY.)
• I don’t know how to explain the catharsis that was writing Flux explaining it to Pili. I’d assume one day he’d explain the full thing, but not now.
  • Sometimes in order to spare others feelings about him or to avoid having to explain why I like him I’ll explain it like flux. If i say the shit that happened FIRST and then say I like him, people tell me to get over him. If I say I like him and explain why and THEN say we’re ex’s they say give it another shot or something. So most times I don’t say anything.
• I had the texts written out as soon as I finished chapter three, the last line is a callback. 
• I wanted the ending to be more ambiguous, you could argue they get back together, but you could also argue they stay broken up. 
  • I didn’t tell anyone who asked what the ending was like because it really depends, some people see it as a happy ending, some see it as a sad ending. I wanted it to be vague enough that YOU decide how you feel about it without me telling you how to feel.
  • I would categorize this as a ‘bittersweet’ ending
• I know this story is mainly tagged as Fluxarata, but that was never really my intention.
  • While the romance is important, this is as much of a story about growth, friendship, family, and love of all kinds and I didn’t want to sacrifice any of the friendship characteristics for the sake of the romance. 
  • I like writing stories where the romance isn't the only point. The plot is driven forward BECAUSE of the romance and the effects of it, Saps is a noncharacter for a large portion of the story because the focus is supposed to be on how Flux handles the aftermath.
  • I actually have a collection of stories called “We ALL miss our ex’s” that I drew from for how they wrote breakups and the way the plot moved WITH them. 
  • Yet again I will emphasize please read The river runs because it genuinely changed my life forever, like no joke it means so much to me.
• The entire story can be summed up by a poem(?) I wrote a few months after I realized
  • • “I have always wanted things I can’t have
      Things I would kill to achieve
      And yet somehow,
      Despite the fact I want this so badly
      The kindest thing is to recognize it’s not for me to want.
      I take the worst spin on everything to protect myself
      Hope is dangerous, I’ve learned that the hard way.”
  • Also have this additional poem from when I realized:
    • Sometimes I think about coming home from that concert and my dad asking you about your studies
      and you responded with some computer science talk.
      And my dad was asking about your favorite coding language or something like that.
      And my first thought was "This feels like a first date meeting the parents."
      But it could never be
      Because this was not our first date, and you have met my parents before.
      And for a myriad of reasons, I will never meet yours
• ALL OF THIS TO SAY:
  • Thank you all for enjoying and accompanying me on this journey, much love
  • to anyone going through something similar,...yeah.
  • AND FOLLOW MY TWITTER!!!! I MAKE FUNNY ART TEEHEE YAAAAY YAAAY YAAAY (and also animate and IIII think its pretty good if I do say so myself)