Chapter Text
Kimi stormed into the hospitality, his eyes aching with the effort of holding back tears. A fucking DNF, before his first pit stop, even, because his car had clipped and snapped and he had collided with Alex and then the wall. A disaster of a race. He ran a hand over his face. Toto would be so disappointed, and the team would be so upset, and he was already sick of the stale pressure of it all hanging over his head. He needed to get away from it. On autopilot, his feet took him back to his own room. But no, his driver's room would be the first place they looked for him. He couldn't be there when they came. Blindly, he backed away, and stumbled through the hospitality until he felt a door under his hand. Without thinking about it, he pushed it open and entered.
Ollie lifted his head when he came in, eyes bright with sympathy. He made a low crooning noise, the race still streaming in the background.
"Oh, piss off, mate," Kimi snapped, and barely felt bad when Ollie flinched. "I'll just leave, yeah?"
Ollie honked frustratedly. He fumbled upright on his hooves and tottered towards Kimi, nosing lightly at the sleeve of his fireproofs, hanging loose around his waist. Kimi sniffled. At the sound, Ollie pressed in harder.
"I bet you're glad I crashed," Kimi said, and his voice wobbled. "I bet you hated it, seeing me so successful."
The deer went still. Then pointedly, Ollie's teeth closed around a fold of fabric and tugged him closer, further into the room.
Kimi yelped. "Ollie! Mate, what are you- what are you doing?" He tugged himself free. "Just because you cannot race, and you are trapped here, you pretend to be the bigger person? That is not fair. You are not being fair, Oliver."
Ollie let out a long sound that was not unlike the creak of a door. He clamped his mouth on the fabric again, and tugged downwards until Kimi stumbled and sat down in a pile on the ground. Ollie made to shove his face into Kimi's, visibly thought better of it, and instead carefully pressed his nose to Kimi's forehead. It was almost nice. It was too nice.
"I don't understand why you stopped loving me," Kimi said, and burst into tears. Ollie made a panicked noise, stumbling towards Kimi. At his approach, Kimi flinched backwards, scrambling away until his back was against the wall, his shoulders juddering with the force of his sobs.
The deer froze.
Kimi slid down the wall until he was curled up against the seam where the floor met the wall. He tried to inhale. His lungs weren't working right, stuttering and collapsing from the tears. He clutched at his chest. The fireproofs were soaked through with sweat, clinging to his body and crushing the air out of him. He needed- he needed his car to have worked right, he needed to have finished the race and won the race, he needed it to be 2024 again, when Ollie still loved him, still actually meant it when he acted like he cared. It was horrible, that Ollie was so decent, that even now as a deer he was trying to comfort Kimi after a bad race.
There was a soft noise. Kimi? Ollie had inched closer, eyes wide and concerned, his nose wet and gleaming. Kimi, are you okay? Kimi reached out, and the fur on Ollie's chest was soft and brown and dappled, and Kimi's fingers curled momentarily into it before trying to shove him away.
"I hate you," Kimi sobbed, wet and ragged, and the deer flinched. It was so hard to take Ollie seriously, the bright white marshmallows tipping his antlers. It was so hard, just all the time, to be around Ollie. "Go away! Just- just stay away from me! I hate you!"
The deer hesitated. And then Ollie stepped closer, head lowering.
"Just- just go away," Kimi cried, scrubbing at his eyes. "Go away, please, I don't want you to see me like this, not after everything, not after I failed today, okay? Not after I fucked it up. Just go away, I don't need you to care, I don't need- I can't do it, mate. I can't."
The words were mangled, barely English through the tears and the accent. Kimi gasped for breath, his chest still stuttering around his heart, and felt the tears flooding down his cheeks. It was horrible. It was ruinously embarrassing.
There was a tentative lick.
"Go away," Kimi mumbled, his hands still over his face. Ollie huffed, and licked him again. No. He could feel the refusal, clear and loud as day. Where was this refusal to leave last year, Kimi thought to himself bitterly, his hands wet on both sides. Where was this iron will when there was actually something to stay for?
Ollie huffed at him. Come on, Kimi. Don't be so stubborn. Please?
Kimi lowered his hands.
The next lick caught him straight across the eyebrow and went across most of his forehead. Kimi shrieked and flailed upright, barely missing hitting Ollie on the snout. "EW! Ew! Mate, that is disgusting, what the hell, that is so gross!"
If a deer could waggle its eyebrows, Ollie did. Kimi flushed bright red—not that he could go much redder, he was already ruddy from crying—and tried not to think about all the other times he had gotten familiar with Ollie's tongue. The deer came closer and nosed at him. Kimi petted absently at his neck. He was really soft. Ollie really was a beautiful deer; he was a beautiful man.
Ollie made a low rumbling noise in his throat and pushed in closer. Kimi's hands coiled around the silky fur at his nape, and buried his face into his side. At the contact, the deer relaxed, tension draining out of the long, sinuous muscles.
"I wish you were actually here," Kimi whispered wetly into the soft fur of his neck. "I miss you, Ollie. You're such an idiot, and such an asshole, but I miss you so much. I wish you'd come back."
Ollie snuffled softly. He could feel a soft pressure on his head—Ollie was shifting under him, coiling around him, resting his head on his own. This was the closest he could come to hugging him—this was the closest they had come to a hug in forever. Kimi sniffed, and pressed his face deeper into the soft velvet, and let himself cry into Ollie's touch.
He closed his eyes. Sleep came, damp and warm and safe, and Kimi let it tug him under and away.
𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴
There was a soft hand carding through his hair.
"Kimi," someone said, "wake up."
The world was warm shades of butter and soft light. Kimi yawned and snuggled deeper into the softness under him. For the first time in a while, he felt warm and well rested, soft around the edges in a way he hadn't felt in a long time.
There was a fond chuckle. "No, but seriously, you should wake up."
The voice was familiar. Slowly, Kimi peeled his eyes open. Ollie was sitting cross-legged on the carpeted floor, marshmallows tangled in his hair. Kimi was lying in his lap, pillowed against his thighs. He was wearing, Kimi noticed without flinching, the maroon sweatpants with the white stripe down the side; Kimi had used to tease him about living in those trousers, until Ollie had folded and bought not just new jeans, but two more pairs of maroon trousers, each identical to the first.
"Hey," Ollie said, his eyes unbearably soft. "Feeling better?"
There was a faint patch of stubble on the underside of his jaw. Kimi wanted to reach out and touch it—touch him. Kimi wanted to kiss it—kiss him.
"Yeah," Kimi said, tongue-tied and sleep-soft. He stretched, and resisted the urge to flop back down and curl into Ollie. He yawned, catlike, and smiled, and he knew his eyes crinkled into little crescents by how something in Ollie's face softened.
"Great." Ollie reached out a hand to ruffle Kimi's hair, seemed to think better of it, and turned the aborted move into an Italian-esque flourish of the fingers instead. "Um, so, I have to get back to…"
Reality caught up with Kimi. He scrambled upright, blushing. "Yeah, mate, sorry, my bad, I shouldn’t have-"
"No, no- it's fine, Kimi, really, it's okay." Ollie's hand was still stretched out towards him. He dropped it awkwardly. "I was, um, I'm happy to help."
"Ah, that's good to know."
"And of course, I'm very grateful for the help with the-" Ollie waved a hand vaguely. "The deer thing, obviously."
Kimi shrugged. It was not like he had done anything, really, they had just summoned Esteban and kidnapped Ollie briefly. Ollie probably could've sorted it out faster if he had just sat quietly in his driver's room and waited to be discovered.
They lapsed into an awkward silence. Kimi ruffled his hair nervously, his hands itching. Ollie shifted uneasily. He opened his mouth; no words came out. After a brief moment, he shut it again. Ollie raised a hand to drag through his hair, and winced when his hand encountered about twenty marshmallows. They had half-melted from the heat of his body, already cut open and sticky from his antlers. His curls were looped around, and in some cases through, the white gooey solids.
What happened? The question sat on the tip of Kimi's tongue. What happened, Ollie, why were you a deer, how did you turn back, why did you come to me? What happened?
What happened to us?
"Aren't you going to…" Kimi blurted out, and immediately felt foolish and horribly rude. He could not just kick Ollie out, as much as he wanted to, or as much as he didn't want to. He decided valiantly to try again. He cleared his throat and looked down to meet Ollie's eyes, and faltered.
Ollie looked like a kicked puppy, hurt and angry and trying to hide it all at once. He caught Kimi's gaze and smiled, joyless and awkward. "Can you help me with the, y'know," he gestured to the sugary tangle on his head. "Would look a bit stupid, walking around with that up there."
"Sure," Kimi said. His palms were itching. Ollie made a pleased noise and shuffled around so that he was sitting facing away from Kimi. Kimi blinked, and he could feel the phantom weight of Ollie's head against his stomach, back from when Ollie still leaned against him without a second thought. He blinked again, and Ollie was looking at him expectantly and smiling lightly, an appropriate distance away.
"Thanks," he said. "I really appreciate it, mate."
Kimi shifted nervously. "No, it is no problem, mate, I am happy to help."
There was a pause.
Ollie coughed nervously. "Um, so-"
Kimi cleared his throat. "Yes, right, sorry."
His hands were trembling when he reached out. Ollie's hair was soft where it wasn't coated by strands of sugar, fluffy and curling softly. For a brief moment, Kimi let himself have the luxury of twining his fingers through it. Then, he got to work.
"So how come you were a deer?"
"I mean, I've got no clue," Ollie shrugged, hissing as the movement tugged at his hair. "I just blinked, and suddenly I was like that, four legs and horns, goodbye hands."
"Yikes," Kimi muttered. "People who try and spell the drivers really have no respect for race weekend schedules."
"Right?" Ollie twisted around on instinct, and only Kimi's gentle grip on the back of his neck stopped him. Kimi was reminded distinctly of manoeuvring the deer, catching its head before it either hit someone or dented the wall. "Thank god I didn't run into Crofty or Nico Rosberg, that would've been a disaster."
"You know the meme, the one where they are interviewing the deer." Kimi carefully extricated a tuft of hair from where it had speared through a marshmallow. "You could be like that, but in the paddock, mate, they should've gotten a picture of you in the car."
Ollie laughed. "Mate, I was terrified, I thought I'd be lost or caught for sure, I was so glad I managed to end up by Mercedes."
"Did you come looking for me," Kimi couldn't resist asking, and winced when the words came out painfully earnest.
Ollie hesitated, and Kimi's heart dropped; towering over him, it landed right in Ollie's lap.
"Nevermind," he said quickly before Ollie could say no, and turned his attention back to his hair. His fingers were getting sticky. There was a pile of mangled marshmallows by their feet, sticky and yellowing and clumping together in a sugary mass. Ollie's hair was almost freed now, but the curls still sat oddly, stiff and bunched together with sugar. It was odd, to be looking down at him, instead of up; it was odd to see Ollie sitting so still he was practically vibrating with it, staring awkwardly straight ahead. He tugged at a marshmallow. A few strands of hair came away with it.
"Done," Kimi said eventually, and his voice almost cracked on the single word. Ollie ran his hands through his hair, making a face at how it felt, and twisted round to grin at Kimi.
"Thanks, Kimi. You're a lifesaver."
"Ah, mate, no, it was no problem," Kimi said, waving Ollie off. It was very strange to see Ollie's face from this angle, his eyes dark and wide and almost pleading. "It was no big deal, of course."
"Sorry about the DNF," he said hesitantly. Kimi's hands curled into fists. Ollie was looking at him, tentative and soft, like he was someone worth caring about, like Ollie cared about him, actually cared how he was doing and performing, rather than just how they measured up against each other. He could feel his nails cold against his palm, sparking and fizzing with irritation. It was bad enough, that he had had to cry in front of Ollie, without Ollie trying to act like he wanted to help.
"I don't really want to talk about it," he snapped in a rush.
Something unreadable flashed over Ollie's face.
"Okay," he said. "I'll go, then. My team will be…"
"Okay," Kimi parroted, his eyes hard. "Go." It's what you do best, he bit back. Ollie looked away, his face going stony and pale. Silently, he stood and brushed himself off, moving slowly towards the door—almost too slowly. Kimi tried not to think about why that was.
"Sorry for bothering you," Ollie said, eternally polite. He paused by the door. Kimi could see him steeling himself. Instinctively, he braced himself; and almost missed what Ollie actually said.
"I did come looking for you, by the way." The words were quiet, measured and even. Ollie's knuckles were going white on the doorknob. His shoulders moved smoothly as he breathed, low and even, up and down and up and down like nothing was wrong. "Just. Just in case you were actually wondering."
Kimi bit down hard on his lip before he could say what he wanted to, which was fuck you and also why and also stay forever, please, I'm sorry. There was something scratching at the back of his mind.
"How did you even get cursed," he asked. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ollie tense, the sinewy lines of his body going long and stiff. His gaze snagged on Ollie's hand, resting on the doorknob, and he felt a wave of dread.
When Kimi first realised he was in too deep with Ollie, that he wanted to keep him forever, he had gone to his nonna, and asked her to teach him how to make a talisman. And then he had sat there for hours under the burning Italian sun as she showed him, over and over again, how to weave the threads into a tight cord, how to braid dried rosemary and basil and rue into the hollow heart of it and tie the ends off with silver.
Rue, to bless and protect, she had said, rosemary, to ward against harm; basil, to tie it together, because you need the love, always. She had looked at him with all too knowing eyes as Kimi cursed at his losing battle against the threads. The protection works, cucciolo, because of the love. To protect is to love, and to be protected is to be loved, eh? Love is the strongest magic of all. She smiled at him as he blushed, his fingers contorted over the tangle of thread. Now, try again, until you get it.
It had taken an embarrassing long time before Kimi had managed to turn out a short cord of blue and yellow, like Ollie's helmet, capped at both ends with a silver clasp. It was not as smooth as Kimi's necklace—there were snags and lumps in the middle, where he had knotted it the wrong way, and it was not properly even the whole way through—but as Kimi held it, he could feel the warm power humming against his fingertips, electric and safe. He stared down at it in despair. It would work, he knew, but it was so ugly.
He will like it, bambino, because you have made it for him. His nonna laid a wrinkled hand over his own, clasping the bracelet. He will like it, because he loves you, and if he does not, you do not want him anyways.
Kimi had laughed wetly, blinking away tears. The next week, he had pulled Ollie aside at the factory and shown it to him.
"Is this for me?" Ollie had said wonderingly.
"My grandmother taught me to make it," Kimi said nervously, chewing on his bottom lip. "It is like my necklace, it is for luck and to prevent from charms and curses, see? I am sorry it is so ugly, I am not so good-"
"No," Ollie cut him off, still staring wide-eyed at the bracelet. "No, Kimi, it's perfect. Will you put it on me?" Kimi's hands had tingled as he tied it and clasped it around Ollie's wrist. Ollie grinned at him, his eyes bright crescents. "It's beautiful. I'll never take it off."
Now, Kimi stared at the glowing bare expanse of Ollie's wrist, and felt a lump in his throat. "Ollie," he said, almost too quietly to hear, "where's your bracelet?"
Ollie froze. Kimi stared at his broad shoulders, the long taper down to his slender waist, the way the cotton shirt clung to his back, and felt his heart breaking all over again. "Kimi," he said, and his voice trembled. "I don't- I took it off. After- after, y'know. We ended things."
"Oh," Kimi said, and his voice broke. "Oh. Okay."
Ollie's hand fell from the door. He turned, his brown eyes wide and guilty. "I didn't think- I mean, it was a gift from you, and then we stopped, and then we weren't- I didn't think I should- I mean, we weren't anymore, and I didn't know if it would still work."
"So you took it off?" Kimi laughed, high and frantic. "I can't believe you, Oliver."
"Kimi," Ollie said, steady and sounding almost hurt, "we broke up. I wasn't going to keep wearing it."
"Okay, mate, sure, that's fine, you didn't have to wear it, but you're not wearing anything else," Kimi spat, struck, and he hadn't checked Ollie's ankles or pockets, but he knew. He could feel it Ollie was walking around unprotected, apart from whatever protection his team lent him—Haas was American, so it would be tinctures and charms of cleverly twisted straw, and Ollie's pockets were empty and his neck was bare. "You're walking around completely bare, and you're so lucky to have made it this long without anything happening."
"What did you want me to do?" Ollie ran a hand through his hair. "We broke up! I didn't think it would still work! You know favours are famously fickle, and you made this, I wasn't going to-" He took a deep breath. "I didn't want to overstep," he said very formally.
Kimi bit back the affronted of course it would work! that threatened to slip through his lips. Ollie had left him. Ollie had had the bracelet given to him, and Kimi had told him the story months later as they lay beneath the stars, Kimi's head on his heart and his hand on Kimi's back. Ollie knew what the bracelet had meant. Kimi's head hurt. Ollie had known what it meant, and he had rejected it—them—so thoroughly he had gotten himself hurt in the process.
"You said we would still be friends," he snarled, the words clawing their way out of his mouth. "So obviously, it should still work, no, because we are friends, and we care about each other, right?"
"Of course we are," Ollie replied, lightning-fast. "Of course we're still friends, even if we do not have so much time to spend together, Kimi, you know that."
"Well, do you? You don't talk to me anymore, mate. You don't text me, and you don’t ask me to do anything, and you are always with Esteban and Gabi. You don't even wear the bracelet, and look where that got you. I thought I would melt on the spot," Kimi said, his eyes smarting, "when they asked us, in the interviews, especially in the recap, whether we were still friends, because I could not say no on camera, but we are not, are we?"
"We are," Ollie said, running a hand through his hair. "We're— we're friends, it's not the same, we're not—"
"I know we are not anymore!" Kimi shouted, and he couldn't help himself, the words flowing from his mouth, like champagne slammed against the podium, bubbling out tepid and stale and unstoppable. "We are not anymore, and I still wish we were, and you know this, and you hate me for it! You said we would stay friends when you broke it off, you promised—" His voice cracked. "You said we would stay friends, but it is not like how we were before at all."
"Kimi," Ollie said helplessly. "It was so long ago, I don't…"
"No, it's okay," Kimi said, and he felt, humiliatingly, the press of tears in his throat. "You do not have to be in love with me, mate, just because we were best friends and kissed a bit, it is of course okay that you do not like me as much anymore, you do not have to hang out with me—" he couldn't stop himself, and sniffled. "When you have moved in with Gabi, and you are very busy with Haas, and I am a Mercedes driver. It is okay, Ollie, I understand."
"Kimi," Ollie said, his voice horribly soft. He moved towards him, and Kimi could not help but flinch away. "Kimi, Gabi and I aren't dating."
"I know," Kimi snapped, rolling his eyes. "I am not blind. I've met Gabi's girlfriend, you know? I just… I miss you. I miss being your friend. You didn't even congratulate me, when I won in China! It was my first win, and none of you said anything!"
"I crashed in Japan, and you didn't say anything either!" Ollie said.
Kimi flinched. He knew. He had wanted to. He had wanted to, and then he hadn't, because it wasn't his place anymore, because Ollie would be fine, as he always was, and he didn't need Kimi or his concern coming back into his life. "I was giving you space," he cried. "You ended it, and left, and you haven't spoken to me since, I thought you did not want me to bother you, mate, and you were injured, and I couldn't do anything to help you anyways."
"Well, I thought we were still friends, Kimi," Ollie said, and his voice had the audacity to wobble.
Kimi gritted his teeth and squashed down the feeling rolling in his chest, the feeling that sprung up whenever he saw Ollie. "Why did you come here, Ollie?" he said. He was suddenly very tired. "You could have gone to Max, or Esteban, or Gabi. Eh, you probably should have gone to Esteban, he could at least try to fix it, or explain to your team principal, no? Why did you wobble your way over to me?"
Ollie hesitated. "Well, you had the secret door, which was very handy, and I heard that George, with Max…" he trailed off. It was not a good excuse. Ollie could have gone up to Esteban, could have come to Mercedes properly, famous for their cursebreaking when it came down to the wire, could have done a million other things. Ollie could have gone to his team principal, and he would have called the team witches, called better experts, and gotten help.
"But why, Ollie?" Kimi pressed. "Esteban is a witch, and your teammate. Ayao would have known who to call. Even your trainers, anyone on the team, they could have helped you better, it would have been easier than getting all the way to my backdoor, and trying to get me to help. You could've gone to anyone, and it would have been resolved."
Ollie looked away.
"I felt safe with you," he mumbled, the tips of his ears going red. "Even when we didn't know what to do, I always liked figuring it out with you."
Kimi swallowed thickly, his mouth suddenly too wet, too warm. If you liked figuring it out with me, why did you leave? "Careful, Ollie. You sound like you still like me, eh?"
"Maybe I do," Ollie said, his eyes glittering defiantly. "So what?"
There was a faint ringing sound in Kimi's ears, like when the engine had started overheating and he had to pull over and get out. "Don’t," he warned. "Don't play with me like that, Oliver, it's not nice."
"It's not nice for you to automatically assume I'm playing with you either," Ollie shot back, his ears bright red and his cheeks flushed. "What if I'm not? You'd have hurt my feelings then, wouldn't you?"
Kimi spluttered. "I would've hurt your-" He ran a hand through his hair, agitated. "You were the one who broke things off!"
"I thought you would get over it!" Ollie cried, throwing his hands up in the air. "I thought we would get over it, and we would be friends again, friends and fair competitors like before! The sex and the romance was never what was special about us, Kimi, it was that we were best friends, and I thought you would get over it! I thought we would still be friends!"
Kimi bit down hard on his lip, rather than say what he was thinking, which was that that was a stupid thing to think, given that they had dated for almost half the time they had known each other, and that fraction was dwindling by the day, and thinking about it made Kimi's chest hurt sometimes.
And then Ollie twitched towards him, like he wanted to take his face into his hands like he always did when he was anxious and kiss the worried skin smooth, and Kimi's chest started hurting again, like it had been no time and no effort at all since Ollie had told him maybe we should take a break from this and still kissed him goodbye like he was something precious, like he was something he still loved. And then they hadn't spoken since.
"I don't want to be friends!" The words burst out of his mouth. "Ollie, I don't want to be just friends with you, cazzo, I do not want to be friends with you! And you clearly do not want to be friends with me either, so can you just- can you just leave me alone? We fixed it. We figured it out. I don't want to-" -to ruin how we used to be, even if that's already ruined; I want my last memory of you to be you kissing me like you still love me, even when you're breaking up with me, "-I don't want to argue, okay?"
There was a strange light in Ollie's eyes. "You don't want to be… just friends?"
Fuck it. Kimi had already handed Ollie his heart years ago, and watched as Ollie cracked it open and left it spilling out like an oil slick on the track between them. It did not matter now if Kimi scraped up what was left from the tarmac and threw it in Ollie's face. It was nothing that Ollie did not already own, did not already know. He took a deep breath. "No, mate, I don't, because I have been in love with you, since… for years now, mate, how can you expect me to just get over that?"
"Wait. You're still in love with me?"
"I don't know how not to be," Kimi cried, and achingly, the tears flowed over and started falling. "I don't know how, Ollie, I've liked you from when we first met and you started talking to me about how you missed your family but it was okay because Italian food was so good. I've been in love with you for almost as long as I've known you, and it's not fair, but I have, and I can't make it stop, even after what you said! And I'm sorry I can't, but I cannot, I've tried, I cannot stop it."
"I really did think you would get over it," Ollie whispered, and his voice cracked. "Kimi, you were supposed to get over it."
"I can't, okay?" he sniffled, scrubbing at his eyes. "I can't. I don't know how. And now I have to live knowing that you know, and you don't feel the same, and in ten years' time when we somehow end up at the same team together, you're going to remember, and it'll be so awkward."
That startled a laugh out of Ollie. "Ten- Kimi, we're in our second season. That's ages away."
"We're going to be in Ferrari, obviously," Kimi hiccupped, miserable, "and you are going to remember this conversation, and then when we will fight for a championship, and I am going race you the hardest I can, but you will win one because you are an amazing driver, and then I will hate both you and myself forever, but I don't know how to stop loving you, Ollie, I don't."
"Kimi," Ollie said, and his voice was shining and raw, and his hands were wrapping around Kimi's, pulling them away from his face. Kimi couldn't stop himself. He leaned into the touch, let Ollie tug him into his embrace and wrap his arms around him. It was so familiar. He had missed this so much. "Kimi, I don't- Oh, don't cry, please, fuck. I- don’t cry, tesoro, please."
Kimi pressed his face into Ollie's shoulder at the nickname, his own shuddering as he wept into his shirt. He could feel the shirt soaking through—he was a messy crier, when he got emotional—and it only made him cry harder, that Ollie was holding him so tenderly still, and he was ruining Ollie's shirt, and ruining any chances of them being anything close to normal or even friends.
"How can I not cry, mate," Kimi tried to say without sobbing, and definitively failing, "I'm ruining it, because I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid for not knowing how to move on from you."
"Is that why you never texted?" Ollie said thickly. "You never texted me back. I thought you hated me, that you thought I wasn't worthy of your time, because we weren't together anymore, and you were getting podiums in a Mercedes and I was stuck in p11."
"I- You were wrangling a Haas to a points finish almost every weekend, and you got a P4!" Kimi pulled back indignantly, uncaring of how red and wet his face was. "You have always been a fantastic driver, of course I am better, and have the better car, but you are also amazing, you know?"
Something flashed across Ollie's face. "Am I?"
"You're a good driver, and a good person. And now you are going to go and be good for someone else, to someone else, and I'm going to have to just watch." Kimi swiped a hand across his eyes. "And it is okay, Ollie, as long as you are happy, but I am going to be sad right now, okay?"
Ollie was silent. Kimi looked at him, really looked, and drank in the sight of him, silhouetted and glowing in the fluorescent white light. He was still so beautiful, Kimi's heart hurt just looking at him. And then, abruptly, he said, "I've been really stupid, Kimi. I'm sorry."
A tear slid down his cheek.
Kimi shot up, alarmed. "Ollie? Ollie, no, why are you crying, don't cry, it's my turn right now."
Ollie laughed wetly. "Fuck, Kimi, I've been so stupid. I'm so sorry I ended things like that." Almost blindly, he reached for Kimi, and he caught him as he fell into his embrace, breath stuttering. "'m so sorry, tesoro, I've been an idiot. I didn't text you, after, because I was so worried that you would realise I still liked you, and you would be upset, because I'd just broken up with you, and we'd never be friends again, except you never reached out either, and then the season just kept going and it was too awkward to say anything. And then you were doing so well, I thought it had worked, that ending things had been exactly what you needed, and I was so miserable, but you were so happy I couldn't even think about ruining it."
"Mate, I was not happy," Kimi laughed incredulously, "I was in a good car and struggling with it, and struggling to understand why my boyfriend left me 'to focus' all of a sudden!"
"Because you were struggling with the car!" Ollie said. "I thought- I was distracting you, and I wasn't good enough to help you, or good enough to do well, and you were doing so much better than me, but you were still so upset at underperforming, and you were so stressed and upset all the time, and I was just so bitter that I couldn't drive better, or do better, or help you with it, and I thought I couldn't be-"
He swallowed thickly. "I thought I couldn't be what you wanted. So I let you leave."
"You idiot," Kimi said, breathless with relief and fury, "you broke up with me, for that stupid reason, and ruined my European leg?"
Ollie winced. "Not my finest move, in retrospect. It's not like I had a great season either, I was always stuck just outside the points. I thought I was helping you, and you didn't say anything when we broke up, so I thought-"
"You idiot!" Kimi shoved him, laughing now at the sheer ridiculousness of it, laughing and crying and doubling over. "I thought it was what you wanted, that's why I agreed!"
"Of course I didn't want that," Ollie blurted out, his hands curling against Kimi's back. "I thought it was what you needed from me, and then you went and got that podium in Canada, and I was so happy and heartbroken all at once, Gigi thought I lost my mind because I kept volunteering to go for extra runs, just to make my mind shut up about you."
"Ollie," Kimi said wonderingly, "you are so stupid."
He flushed. "Fixed it in the end, though, didn't I?"
"I don't know, did you?" Kimi said, tilting his head back, challenging. "All that's happened so far is a series of embarrassing confessions on both our parts."
Ollie rolled his eyes. "Well, obviously, I'm still in love with you too," he said wetly, swiping at his eyes. "I thought you would be able to tell, if I got within five metres of you. That's why I only came to find you, when I was a deer, because then I couldn't say or do something dumb, and give myself away immediately."
Kimi's heart skipped a beat. "Eh, obviously, I couldn't," he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. "You are not so obvious as you think, Ollie."
"But you recognised me," Ollie breathed, and there was a hushed wonder in his voice at that, at the fact that Kimi had looked at a random deer in the middle of the road, and known it was him by his eyes, by the way he stood.
"Of course I did," Kimi said, helplessly, simply. "Mate. I am not stupid."
"I was a deer," he said, his eyes soft and burning, as if Kimi could reach in through those windows and pull out his soul, as if Ollie would let him. "I was a fucking deer, Kimi, I had horns. And fur. I came to you because I was terrified and I wanted to see you. And you recognised me."
"You were still you," Kimi replied, gentle and shining. His heart was pounding against his ribs. Ollie reached out and brushed a curl out of Kimi's eyes, and Kimi could feel himself leaning into the touch, chasing it even as Ollie ran his fingers over Kimi's face, tracing down the contours of his cheek.
"I guess I was," he laughed.
And then he leaned in.
His lips brushed Kimi's, warm and dry and chapped, and Kimi was rising onto his toes, pressing himself closer, and Ollie's hands were cupping his face, his fingers long and slender and familiar, and Kimi could feel his eyes welling up, wet and sore and welcome, like the ache of a sore muscle after a workout. Ollie kissed him, and it felt the way it had always felt, warm and magic and wonderful.
𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴 𓃴
"So why were you a deer," Kimi asked eventually, curled up against Ollie's chest.
"Well," Ollie said, grinning down at him, "I've always wanted a massive rack."
He yelped as Kimi smacked him on the shoulder. "Ow! Okay, Jesus, a guy can't tell a joke anymore. I have no idea, Kimi, I just woke up and I was like this."
"It is because you are horny," Kimi said, nodding wisely. "Ow, Ollie, do not tickle me, I have just had a bad race!"
"That is no excuse for a joke like that!"
"You literally just-" Kimi broke off as the door slammed open. "Oh, hi, George."
"For fuck's sake," George said, annoyed and fond all at once. "I fucking knew you'd be here. Half the team's looking for you."
"When you say half the team," he hedged, "do you mean half the team, or do you mean you and Bono and Sergi?"
"I mean," George gritted out, "team briefing started five minutes ago and no one could find you, and everyone got really worried after the race you had, and here you are cuddled up with your ex-boyfriend."
Ollie waved nervously. "Hi."
George pinched at the bridge of his nose. "Good lord. Congratulations, Oliver, on being a human again, now get the fuck out please."
The two younger drivers scrambled to their feet. Ollie was a bright, almost-Haas shade of red. Kimi curled a hand around his arm protectively. "It is fine, Ollie, it is not your fault."
"Jury's still out," George said, rolling his eyes and moving to stride out the door. "Let's get a move on, chop chop, off we go!"
"Is he going to kill me," Ollie whispered nervously.
Kimi choked on air. "I fucking hope not!"
"I can hear you, you know," George said. "You're not very quiet, are you?"
"Pleasedon'tkillme" Ollie said in a rush. Kimi facepalmed.
"Oh, no, I wouldn't, not with us being colleagues and me managing the GDPA," George said calmly. And then he smiled. His teeth were very, very white. "But Bono might."
"George. It is fine. Ollie and I have resolved it, it is fine now, we are-" Kimi hesitated. "Are we together?"
"You idiot," Ollie said fondly. "Yes. If you're okay with it, of course."
"We are together again," Kimi said triumphantly. "Will you please stop trying to kill Ollie with your mind now?"
"No idea what you're on about," he said airily. "It's only that Kimi is late for the briefing, and consorting with you in a private room, so Bono might not be too happy about that bit, that's all."
"Your team is scary," Ollie hissed at Kimi, who bit back a laugh.
"I am very lucky they love me," he nodded sagely. Ollie looked down at him, and his eyes curved into shining, dark moons.
"You are late, is what you are," George drawled. "You're lucky you got unlucky in the race, at least Toto will cut you some slack for it."
Kimi sighed, staring at his feet. "Yep. Lucky. Wow."
Ollie squeezed his shoulder. "At least you got to drive."
"Yes, Oliver, don't you have a team briefing to get to also?" George said. Ollie ducked away from his piercing gaze, and Kimi had to giggle. Esteban would be pleased, at least, that he had his teammate back, and Toto would be pleased they did not have to cut the door out of the wall to get Ollie out.
"By the way, Kimi," George said not unkindly, "when were you going to tell us you had the gift?"
He frowned. "I wasn't, because I don't."
"Mate." Ollie was looking at him very oddly. "I thought you made the bracelet yourself? Or did your grandma make it, like with your necklace?"
"No, I did, that is why it is so ugly," Kimi said. "It took me a very long time, you know."
"You do realise," he said slowly, "that it's magic?"
George's eyes narrowed.
Kimi laughed. "No it's not. It is just lucky, that's all. And of course, the clasp is from my nonna, it is charmed silver, so that bit works as a protection."
Ollie coughed. "Um, yeah, actually it is. Esteban asked me where I got such a powerful charm, and he was very impressed when I told him it was a gift from you, you know. He said you were very lucky, to know such skilled magic users? Well, that, and very Italian."
"I am just Italian, I think," Kimi shrugged. "Nothing too interesting has happened to me, you know, and if I was magic I am not sure I would be doing so well with the driving."
"Esteban's a good driver," Ollie pointed out.
"Yes, but he grew up practicing, and he has his gift under control, no? I have never even thought about it, when I was driving."
"Ollie," George said placatingly, "maybe we shouldn't push. If Kimi doesn’t want to say anything, and it does not affect his racing, it's fine. It's not really our business, is it? At most, it's Toto's, because he's the one who does the paperwork."
Kimi was overcome with the urge to stomp his foot petulantly. "Mate, I am not stupid, would I not have realised earlier if I had the gift? I wish you'd stop looking down on me!"
There was a puff of pressure in the air.
"Blimey," George said faintly. "We are going to have to update your paperwork."
Kimi glanced down. "Oh my god."
"Oh my god," Ollie said, his eyes sparkling. "I told you so, you idiot, I don't know how you didn't catch this earlier."
"Esteban is going to be awfully smug," George said conversationally. "But Toto is going to be unbearable, so you can deal with that yourself."
Kimi buried his face in his hands. "Mate, how am I going to drive the car?"
"Um, like you always have?" George rolled his eyes. "If they can figure it out for Este, they can figure it out for you. The preventives work the same, whether the influence is internal or external."
"That must be why!" Ollie snapped his fingers. "Kimi, your necklace is still in your room, because of the race! Oh my god, it's like Esteban's bracelets, I can't believe you never noticed. Oh my god, is that why, did you wish I was still dear to you, is that why??"
"Blimey," George said faintly over Kimi's spluttering. "There's two of them."
"Can someone please just get me down first," Kimi said loudly.
Giggling, Ollie reached up and pulled him down from where he was suspended midair. Slowly, his curls settled back into gravity. Kimi sighed. At least his nonna was going to be pleased.
Ollie grinned. "Just Italian, my arse."
To punctuate his point, Kimi reached over and pinched it.