Chapter Text
Living with another person was something they both had to adjust to. Lars had gotten a small taste of it with Bianca and being over at Gus and Karin’s most mornings, but Driver had been on his own since he was sixteen.
Lars had strict schedules in place that would cause him extreme discomfort if broken. He woke up and showered every morning at seven. Lunch was at twelve and dinner was at six. He started getting ready for bed at ten. Dishes were hand washed and had to be put neatly on a drying rack after. He always washed and folded his own laundry to ensure it was exactly how he wanted them put away.
Driver needed constant reassurance and reminders that the sounds he heard were only Lars. The garage was usually quiet even before Driver moved in, but he needed the silence, Lars learned. His body always looked like it was subconsciously protecting itself. High, raised shoulders, clenched jaw, lines of tension between his brows. Loud noises sent him into a panic that he tried to hide.
They tried their best to accommodate each other. Driver settled easily into Lars’ routine without complaint. Lars would announce himself whenever he returned home and warned Driver if there was going to be a noise he thought would upset him.
Despite the occasional miscommunication or fit of discomfort between them, the living situation moved smoothly. Driver silently fell into helping with household chores or grocery shopping. Lars cooked dinner for the two of them, rambling about his workday or a book he was reading while Driver sat at their two-person dining table, smiling and nodding and occasionally giving input.
It was a type of domesticity that neither of them had experienced themselves, only peering in on it through the lives of those around them.
Driver didn’t mind living with Lars.
Lars loved having him around.
Driver never tried to touch him, or initiate long conversations, or pushed him to do anything.
Lars never made him feel like he owed him anything, even after he gave him the shirt off his back.
“Hey, um… Driver?” Lars’ soft voice called from the doorway of the TV room. Driver had been sitting on the sofa, attempting to read a book he found on one of the shelves. He didn’t like it much so far, but he was giving it a chance. He looked up to see him holding a small gift box. It had confetti printed on it and a neat bow on the top.
“I’ve been working on these since you were in the hospital. I really hope I haven’t ruined them or anything… sorry that it took so long.” He was smiling that sweet smile Driver was beginning to see more often, bashful blush dusting his face.
Driver could already tell what was likely in the box. He was wondering what happened to them and had eventually just told himself that the hospital took them. He didn’t know how Lars would have them.
He put in his bookmark (a torn corner off of Lars’ junk mail) and Lars walked over to the couch to sit next to him. It was closer than they usually sat, only a few feet apart rather than the whole couch.
Lars held out the box to him and Driver took it gingerly, careful not to graze his hand. He had picked up quickly that Lars flinched away from any physical contact. He never asked why it was so severe. It wasn’t his place to know.
He untied the bow with careful, precise fingers. Lars watched them intently. Driver could feel his eyes, but he didn’t mind.
The box was opened, and there they were. The only items that stayed consistent in his life. Sitting in glittery white tissue paper that was probably reused from a previous Christmas gift.
Any blemishes or stains in the material had been completely erased, leaving behind the sight of crisp brown leather. They even looked a little glossier than before.
Lars repaired his gloves for him. Not only that, but he took the time to put them in a frilly little box.
He lifted one out of the tissue paper and turned it around to look at the palm. Spotless as well.
“Did you work with leather before this?” He murmured, starting to pull the one he picked up onto his hand. It fit exactly like before.
Lars shook his head. “No. No, I looked it up on Gus’ computer the day after you got into the hospital.” He looked down to where he was fidgeting with his hands then back up to Driver. “Did I do okay?”
Driver exhaled sharply from his nose and smiled. “They look professional.” He flexed the gloved hand and turned it a few times before picking up the other to pull it on.
“I— really?” He blinked a few times, biting his bottom lip. “Thank you. Wow.” He absently picked at a speck of lint on his sweater, grinning from ear to ear. Driver had gotten both gloves on now, opening and closing his hands a few times to test.
He looked back up at Lars. “Where did you get these?”
“You made me take them. The day I found you. I was sitting next to you in the kitchen waiting for the ambulance, and it was the only thing you said the whole time.” He laughed a little, and Driver could suppose it might be a little funny. “Take my gloves off, get ‘em off. That was the only thing you cared about.
Driver smiled. Even with all the effort he put in his whole life to be undetectable, he was still predictable.
“I couldn’t tell why they were so important.” Lars continued his rambling. “They look really nice and professional, but I don’t know what they’re used for. I figured they’re made for something specific. They seemed like they meant a lot to you though, so I kept them waiting. For you.” He was blushing more now, eyes all scrunched up.
“They’re driving gloves.” He looked down at his gloved hands again, then back up at Lars. “You know why I use them?”
Lars shook his head.
Driver smiled. “The gloves themselves,” He ran his fingers over the leather on the other hand, “give a better grip on the steering wheel. The leathers won’t slip against each other. And the cut outs,” He rubbed a thumb over the bare skin exposed through the glove, “are for ventilation and flexibility. Less heat is trapped and the joints are easier to move.” Lars nodded as he spoke, eyes fixed on his hands.
This was the most Lars heard him talk at one time since he moved in.
He was still holding out his hands for Lars to see. Lars slowly moved his hands from his lap and towards Driver’s. Ever so slowly, almost like he was approaching an animal as to not startle it. Driver didn’t move an inch, so Lars kept reaching.
Their hands eventually met. Lars gently took hold of Driver’s hand, fingers clasped loosely around the leather. He drug the fingertips of his free hand over his covered palm, wide blue eyes still transfixed. Driver watched his hand in silence, cheeks just a bit brighter than usual.
Lars flipped the hand in his hold over after running his thumb across the leather over Driver’s fingers. His hand was under Driver’s, the other’s hand resting on top of his. Neither of them moved as they both stared at the exposed skin on the back of his hand.
A deep, shuddering breath. Then another. Lars screwed his eyes shut then opened them again.
He moved a shaky thumb to hover over the larger open panel on the back of Driver’s hand. He peered up to Driver from where he had slumped over slightly, who was still watching their hands. His face was unreadable. Only focus was evident.
Lars bit his lip and closed his eyes tightly.
His thumb gently pressed against the flat expanse of Driver’s exposed flesh.
Skin on skin.
The corner of Driver's mouth quirked up as Lars rubbed his thumb over the back of his hand, eyes opening a crack to watch their contact.
He slowly dragged it up to Driver’s knuckles and pressed the pad of the thumb into each hole.
It didn’t hurt.
Driver’s skin was warm against his. His knuckles felt dry and a little rough, and he could feel some hair dusting the back of his hand.
Despite the warmth, it didn’t burn.
The touch felt more like taking a blanket fresh out of the dryer. A weight settling around him and holding him, but not restraining him.
Both of them could easily pull away if they wanted to, but they stayed in contact with each other.
Lars moved back to where his thumb rested on the exposed back of Driver’s hand. Driver sat patiently as he continued to rub his skin back and forth.
Eventually, the touch stopped. Lars released his grip and Driver let his hand fall on the sofa cushion between them. Their eyes met and Driver gave a small smile.
They sat in silence until Driver wordlessly stood up and walked to the kitchen. Lars didn’t follow. He sat on the sofa and stared at his hands.
He touched someone on his own. He touched someone’s hand. A real human being’s hand. The first human he had touched so purposefully since Bianca.
Driver’s hand felt a little warmer than Bianca’s. He figured it was because of her illness and that Driver’s hand had warmed a little in the glove.
But he touched him. He didn’t hurt.
Driver, on the other hand, didn’t exactly know what to think.
He figured it was some kind of invitation, a gesture important to Lars that anyone else likely wouldn’t understand. He didn’t either, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He almost never did.
The act felt intimate.
Not the kind of intimacy he usually received. A faceless girl from a bar that smoked in bed after they were done and left his apartment the morning after. Men that didn’t view him as one of them using him as a quick release then leaving him alone in a stranger’s bed.
This was an intimacy more akin to how he felt with Irene, but it wasn’t exactly the same. He didn’t have a word for it, but the feelings were different.
He didn’t know how he felt, just that he didn’t mind it.
He returned back to Lars’ tiny living room with a bowl of trail mix for them to share and a toothpick for himself. Lars hunched over the bowl and started picking some of the raisins out to eat first. It reminded Driver of a squirrel.
“Are the raisins your favorite?” He took a small handful for himself.
“Oh no.” Lars shook his head, frowning. “I don’t like them much. That’s why I eat them first.”
Driver nodded.
Lars continued his sorting and Driver picked his book back up. The leather pressed against the paper snugly. The confetti gift box sat between them on the couch to be put away later.
°❀.࿔
Ava’s babbling was persistent in his left ear. She had taken a liking to Driver early on, and he was fine with her sitting next to him at meals or when him and Lars came over to visit. He had taken out all of the paper bills to let her play with his wallet.
He was eating the dinner Karin had made at a pace that felt painstakingly slow to him, but was considered more healthy and less concerning by the Lindstrom’s standards. Lars was at a dinner with some of the older women at church, so Gus and Karin invited him to eat with them.
Karin had attempted some small talk with Driver that didn’t go very far, and Gus was silent for most of the meal. Ava had been the most talkative out of all of them so far.
It felt more awkward than usual. His shoulders tensed out of habit. Surely there was something wrong.
They found out about why he was really here.
They knew what happened back in LA.
He was being kicked out, he was being reported to the police, he was going to live on the streets and eventually be found and probably be shot by them, or stabbed, or something like that.
Gus cleared his throat.
“Driver, we… We wanted to talk to you about some things tonight.”
Driver nodded stiffly.
“It’s nothing bad at all, we just figured that if you were going to live with Lars long-term, you should know a few things.” Karin tried to reassure him, but his body didn’t relax in the slightest. He nodded again.
“Okay.” He took a sip of his water.
Gus took a deep breath and huffed it out. “Our mom died when Lars was born. Giving birth to him.” Driver stayed silent. Ava smacked his wallet against the plastic tray in front of her highchair. “Our dad was really distant after that. Never talked to us, went out, never really did anything. I was basically the only person taking care of Lars and the house.”
He swallowed and took another breath before continuing.
“I left that house the moment I turned eighteen and never looked back. Lars was, I don’t know, five? He had to live through that alone. I… I don’t really know what happened to make him this bad. I don’t know.” He shrugged and looked up to Driver from his plate. “He’s ill. We don’t know exactly with what, or if he’s ever going to be officially cured, but we know the symptoms.”
Driver nodded again, holding Gus’ intense gaze.
“He’s doing much better than he was about a year ago.” Karin chimed in. “He’s talking to people now, he’s going out to places, he even has friends in town now! That’s… it’s crazy how he is now compared to then.” She laughed softly and smiled at Driver, almost a little sadly. “It might be a little weird to say, but I think you’re helping him. He needs someone like you.”
Driver forced himself to relax a little bit, corner of his mouth twitching into a small, barely noticeable smile. “Really?”
Gus and Karin looked at each other. After a few wordless seconds, Gus nodded.
“A while ago, a little bit before Ava was born, um… Lars had a sort of episode. We don’t really know what to call it. His doctor thinks me being pregnant is what triggered it.” She paused for a moment, looking back to Gus again. “Part of his condition is that he doesn’t like touch.”
“More like can’t touch.”
Karin sighed and nodded. “He has this neurological… thing where touching other people hurts him. He says it feels like a burn. His therapist is working with him, and he’s getting a little better about it, but he still doesn’t like touch. It was even worse then, but he needed someone, so…”
“He came over with a sex doll one day and said it was his girlfriend.”
“Don’t call her that, she just… She was real to Lars, and she was what he needed then.”
Driver hesitantly nodded after a few seconds. He had actually seen a few pictures of Lars with the doll on his bookshelf. He hadn’t put much thought into them until now.
“What happened with it?” He asked, biting at the skin on his lower lip.
“Her name was Bianca, and he had this whole story for her. She was from Brazil and didn’t speak English, and she was a nurse, and her parents died when she was a baby. Like his mother. Everyone in town was kind enough to go along with it. She made him feel safe and gave him someone to connect with.”
That didn’t really answer his question.
“Is she still here?”
Gus laughed and shook his head. “Oh, no. Oh God no.”
“She, um… she ‘passed’ a little over a year ago.”
Driver raised an eyebrow.
“One day Lars said this mystery illness she had was getting worse. Took her to the hospital and everything. A few days after that, he said she didn’t make it. Had a funeral. He still thinks she’s real, but… nothing like it ever happened again.”
Driver nodded. “Okay.”
He didn’t know what else to say. Some of Lars’ behaviors made a little more sense with context. He didn’t understand it fully, but a few things didn’t fully click.
Mostly the fact that Lars had touched him just that day.
“Okay as in, like… it’s fine? You’ll still stay with him?” Gus looked at him expectantly.
Driver nodded again. Firmly.
Karin smiled and clasped her hands together. “Thank you so much for understanding. I’m sorry if we spooked you at all, it’s just that you’ve been living with him for a little while and we figured you should know.”
Another nod from Driver and a small, short-lived smile.
A pause.
“I watched my mom kill my dad when I was twelve.”
Both of their eyes widened and they looked nervously from each other to Driver.
Karin stuttered out an apology and Gus asked “what?” a few times.
Why did he say that?
God damn it.
°❀.࿔
“It’s Lars!” Rang out from the front door of the garage. Driver looked up from the dish he was washing in the sink. He normally would have stayed longer at Gus and Karin’s after dinner to play with Ava a little, but he left as soon as possible tonight. It just wasn’t right.
Lars pulled off his hat that made his hair all messy and stick up, shrugged his coat off, hung his scarf up. “You’re home a little late.” Driver murmured with a smile, running the sink over the pretty little porcelain thing. It had pink flowers on the side. He figured it must have been a family set.
“Yeah, um. They got to talking. It was really nice, the restaurant was nice. That little Italian place by the grocer. It was just loud. And they talked so much.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, opening and closing his fists.
Driver dried the plate off with a rag and went over to set it in the drying rack with the other dishes. Lars stepped over and stared at the rack. He examined it for a few seconds before nodding. Lars-approved.
“Was the food good?” Driver asked softly as Lars went back over to the door to untie his boots. He walked back into the kitchen in socks with deer on them.
“Oh, yes. The food was very good. They give you free bread and everything. I had spaghetti and a lot of cheese. I also tried a glass of wine, but I don’t know if I liked it. I don’t like alcohol much.” He wrung his hands while he spoke, looking down at the floor. Driver nodded.
Looking at Lars made him nauseous. He was sickeningly sweet, almost like syrup.
All he could do was stare.
“I think you would like it. It has shakers of that spicy pepper stuff you like. And beer. It had a lot of different kinds of beer.” His cheeks warmed to a bright pink.
Driver nodded. “I like Italian.” Lars had also noticed he liked beer. He usually took one when Gus offered.
“I can, um…” Lars screwed his eyes shut. “We can go eat there. Together. If you want.”
The other man laughed. “Yeah?”
“I’m off work on Thursday. Do you want to go on Thursday.”
Driver nodded for what felt like the hundredth time today, although his eyes were still closed. “Okay.”
Lars nodded and opened his eyes, blinking a few times. “Yes. Okay. Okay!” He smiled brightly, a stark contrast to the darkness coming through the windows and the dim lighting in the little kitchen. Driver smiled back and looked down.
Driver stripped down to his undershirt and boxers. Lars was in a green sweatshirt and long pajama pants with ducks on them. They took turns brushing their teeth in Lars’ tiny bathroom. After getting everything done, Lars settled into bed with his bible and Driver sat up next to him.
“What’s your book about?” Driver teased, and Lars smiled and huffed out a laugh through his nose.
“Maybe you could come with us to church sometime. They can tell you.”
Driver shook his head. “I don’t think they would want me there.”
“Oh, well I don’t think that’s true. Everyone is welcome at church. We would love you to come.”
Driver snorted. “A transexual atheist?”
Lars looked up from his bible with an expression of mixed confusion and shock.
“You’re…?”
Second time today Driver should have kept his mouth shut.
Just shut the fuck up already.
He looked down at his lap with furrowed brows. He thought Lars already knew.
“Yup.”
He heard the bible snap closed and be set down on the bed.
“I—Driver, I just, I didn’t expect that. I’m not mad, please look at me. I’m just surprised I’m sorry, please look at me.”
Now he’s making Lars freak out. Great.
He looked back up and shook his head. “It’s fine. Really. Not a big deal.”
“No, it’s not, I hurt your feelings.”
“Lars, it’s fine.”
They stared at each other.
Lars looked down at his pajama pants and wrung his hands together.
“I’ve never met one before, but I think it’s kind of beautiful, you know? Like… like you’re carving your own body. Or, um… like how God made grapes to be turned into wine. Beauty in change.” His voice was soft and words were carefully chosen. Driver didn’t say anything in response.
“I understand how they feel. I think I feel the same way sometimes.”
Driver turned back to him.
“I like feeling pretty. I like being a man, but I think a dress would be nice sometimes.”
Driver smiled.
“I don’t really think it’s the same, but I just… I really like you. I don’t care that you’re a transexual. You’re still the same person inside.”
Driver nodded and his smile got just the tiniest bit brighter.
“I like you too.”
Lars bit his lip and his cheeks turned bright red, grinning. “Okay. Yay.”
Silence fell over them as they sat with the interaction for a few moments. Lars desperately tried to keep his hands occupied while Driver stared at the wall.
“We could go shopping on Thursday.” Driver began. “After we eat.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Lars nodded, turning towards Driver. “Yeah, what did you want to get?”
“That little thrift store outside of town. Get you a dress.”
Lars’ eyes widened and his blush somehow deepened even more. “I—really? Wow. That’s… wow.”
“Do you want to?”
Lars nodded. “Yes. I think I would like that a lot.”
This was the most forward Driver had ever been so far. He had an odd way of being incredibly indirect while still being very direct, but this felt big. Lars felt flustered.
“Is it okay if I turn the lights off now?”
Driver nodded.
Lars got out of bed to turn out the lights, then they both got settled into the mattress to sleep.
Except neither of them slept for a long while.
Driver replayed what happened over and over again while he stared blankly into the darkness. Sure, their arrangement was unconventional and they were probably closer than most people who had only met a month ago, but it was fine. It just felt like something changed today.
He felt like he was with Irene again.
He didn’t know what to do about it. Probably nothing. A sweet Christian family was kind enough to give him a place to stay, and now he was in love with the one that could never have him.
Lars might act odd around him at times, but it was just Lars. He was too sweet for his own good.
He would silently resign to admiring him from afar. He didn’t want to scare him off. Not like last time.
The larger man laying next to him was giddy.
They were going out together. Just the two of them. He was so incredibly excited.
Was this a date?
No.
Lars didn’t propose it as a date. There was surely no way Driver thought of it as a date.
Two friends can have lunch together without anything happening.
When had they gone from roommates to friends?
At least he thought they were friends. He hoped Driver saw him as a friend.
They didn’t feel like friends, actually. Not anything less than friends, but just… different.
Driver knew Lars wasn’t asleep. He snored. Very loudly at times.
The room was completely silent.
He knew Lars was probably thinking about him.
Lars had butterflies just thinking about him.
…
He would talk to Gus and Karin about it tomorrow.