Chapter Text
Kevin didn't remember arriving to the Foxhole Court.
He didn't remember a lot of things, like opening his secret hideout and taking his secret-pick-me-up vodka bottle. He didn't remember driving to the court, typing out the code, opening the door and walking inside. He didn't rember lying on the floor, vodka bottle in one hand, racket on the other.
He didn't remember anything. All he knew were feelings.
He felt too loud.
It didn't sound right, yeah. But that's how he felt. His mind wouldn't shut up. Normally, booze helped. It diminished the voices— his own, Riko's, his mom's, the Master, all of them— and just left his body feeling pleasently happy. Relaxed. Exy also helped. Drills, running, slamming his body or his racket agains other, all of it helped calm down his mind. But lately, Exy and drinking were falling him. No matter how much he praticed, he couldn't shut up the voices inside his head, no matter how much he drank, he still felt wrong.
Case in point, today.
Practice was shittier than usual. He tried to score against Andrew but he couldn't get past his defense. Aaron was trying hard, making him try harder to get him off his face. God, why did he had to step up today of all days? Aaron was red faced and he was smiling like it was fun to see Kevin frustrated. Kevin was trying to get to the goal but he couldn't focus and he just had to get pass this five-foot asshole and there, an opening, he just had to–
His racket fell to the ground.
His hand was trembling.
Was he breathing?
He couldn't focus. His head, his head was screaming.
Kneel, it said, kneel before the Master and beg to be spared. Jean is not here to save you. Jean is not here, he's not here because you left him. You left him alone all alone with him, with Riko. Riko, Riko. Riko. Were you my brother, Riko? Were you the same boy with whom I dreamed big, dreamed of gold and fame and Exy, always Exy and were you the man who destroyed my hand? You are alone, you are alone, you are alone, and the master is coming, RIKO IS COMING-
"Kevin!" A face, he knew that face. Andrew.
No, that's not right. Andrew's face doesn't do worried. Doesn't do facial expressions. Kevin was breathing hard, his body confused. He wasn't like Neil, agil and quick and gone before you knew it. He wasn't like Andrew, strong, defiant and solid. He was Kevin Day, and everyone knew he was a coward. His body did the only thing it knew how to do: it froze.
However, his mind? His mind was bleeding.
That face, the face that looked so much like one of his friends— were he and Andrew friends? They must have, right? But the last friend who choked me was dead and Andrew wasn't like him, he could never be, even if he tried— looked worried. Concerned. He looked like someone he knew, but he couldn't quite name him. Andrew, not Andrew, Alejandro, Arnold, Aaron! Yes, that felt right. Aaron.
"Kevin. Kevin, look at me" Aaron said. "You need to calm down. Breath, Kevin. Breath" He instructed. Right. How did one breathe? He should probably look it up somewhere. Where was his phone?
"Slowly, one throught the nose" Aaron said, following his own instruction. "Hold it. One, two, three, and out through the mouth. One through the nose, hold it for one, two, three, and out through the mouth. Good, just like that. One though the nose, hold it for one, two, three, and out though the mouth. You are doing good".
Am I doing good? Kevin wondered. He kept breathing like Aaron said, holding his gaze while doing it. Aaron's golden eyes didn't looked concerned anymore, they looked focused. Certain. Safe.
"You're doing good Kevin, just once more." Kevin's body obliged. He didn't feel so bad anymore. His mind focused on Aaron, thoughts quieting down. He was just tired. "There you go. Can you tell me how you feel?"
"I want to take a nap" Kevin said. He sounded strange, like he was sick.
Aaron gave him an almost smile. "That's okay, you can take a nap in a moment. But before, can you tell me how's your hand? Does it hurt?"
Kevin frowned. His hand? Oh. His hand was shaking, wasn't it? He looked to it, his left hand with it's pale scar. It wasn't shaking anymore.
"It's okay, it doesn't hurt" Kevin mustered. He was exhausetd. He wanted a drink, he wanted to sleep.
"Is it okay if I check it?" Abby said, comming right behind Aaron. Kevin tensed at the sight of her. Not because she was a threat, but because if he was weak again someone might take her from him like they took his mom—
"It doesn't hurt, I promise. It was just a bad cramp, but it's okay now". Seeing Abby's worried gaze, he made a fist. "See? It's not bad. I can come early tomorrow before practice and you can have a look then."
Abby looked torn, like she wanted nothing more than to check him from head to toe but didn't want to force him to it.
"I can look after him" Aaron said. "I promised Nicky to see a movie with him and Matt after practice so I'll be in his room anyway" He didn't look troubled, or annoyed. That was weird. He always acted like spending time with Nicky was the equivalent of drinking warm water in a summer's heat.
"I don't need a babysitter" Kevin said, irritable.
"No, you need two" Andrew said, looking bored. "We'll keep an eye on him, Coach".
His dad Coach Wymack came to stand in front of him. He was intimidating in a way that didn't inspire fear, like the Master had. He was intimidating because he inspired anything but fear.
"You sure are okay?" he asked. He looked Kevin in the eye, no doubt looking for the lie that lurked behind those green eyes.
"Yes, Coach, I feel better. Like I said, it was a cramp and it took me by surprised. That's all" Kevin said. It was not a lie. He would never lie about this, about his health. No, it seriously wasn't a lie, it was just an omision of truth. And not even an omision. He was better, his brain was not screaming and his body was tired. That's better.
"Okay. Call us if you need anything. Go wash up, the rest will follow after they finish practice"
Kevin didn't even realized they moved to the far end of the court, away from the scrimage that was still happening. He was worse than he thought.
He didn't say anything, just gave a short nod and made his way to the door. He could feel the gaze of his teamates even thought they should be focusing on the game.
"It's not their fault their Queen is broken" said a voice that sounded too much like Riko, too much like his own.
Kevin was too tired to argue. No point discusing facts.
He was in Andrew's car. He didn't remember when it became a thing his spot was on the backseat and Neil's was on the front. He didn't mind it as much as he thought he should. He felt safe in here. Now that Aaron and Nicky were allowed to do whatever they pleased, they usually rode with Matt. Well, sometimes they came just to bother Andrew. Or to bond, Kevin wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about a lot of things. How were families supposed to bond? Him and his dad were just awkard. They just talked about Exy. Is that how bonding worked?
He looked at Andrew's eyes in the rearview mirror.
Was Andrew his friend?
Their deal was off. Andrew had protected him and Kevin had giving him a reason to stay. They were even. So why was he still looking after him? It didn't make sense.
He blinked and looked at Neil.
Were he and Neil friends? Friends share interest, that was a fact. Him and Neil liked Exy, they liked Jean, they liked Andrew and they liked his dad. Check, that must mean they are friends.
A friend and a maybe-friend.
Kevin could live with that.
No one said anything about his thing on the ride home. No one said anything, period. Contrary to popular belief, silence was not an uncomfortable thing between friends and maybe-friends. Kevin liked to be with Neil and Andrew, even if they never said a word. It relaxed him. Normally, even his brain slowed down. And when it didn't he just talked about something. Exy, most of the time. History others. Anything to distract his aching mind. But right now, with his brain still pleasently relaxed, silence was okay to him.
Andrew killed the engine and turned to look at Neil. They shared one look, just one, and then Neil nodded and left.
Just like that.
Sometimes they left Kevin speechless. Sometimes he looked at them and felt ill.
"What happened" Andrew asked. Well, he said. There was no inflection, he sounded bored. But Kevin knew him. So, Andrew asked.
Kevin debated then. Should he tell Andrew about his screaming mind? About all the tabs that he can never really close? And if he did, then what? Andrew will probably just point him into the direction everyone else does: vodka, his own cowardice. He probably will just tell him to suck it up, Kevin. Stop whining, Kevin. Get a hold of yourself, Kevin.
"The cramp surprised me. It hadn't happend in a while and I just thought it had stopped for good. It scared me. What happends if it happend again? What happens if it happens in a game?" God, he was getting scared. What happened if he froze during a game? What happened if he faced a moster in the court and he just crumbled to the ground, open season on Queens? His mother was a Queen, after all, and she died all the same. What happened if he cracked and—
"Stop it" Andrew said, taking hold of his hands. He didn't realize he had grabbed his left hand and was picking at his scar with his nails. Andrew's hold wasn't gentle, but fierce. He was willing Kevin's mind to a halt. "It won't happend again". He said, like it was simple, like it was possible for a broken Queen to glue his cracks and be whole again.
"But what if it does? What then?" Kevin said, desperation rising like bile in his throat. "What if he won?" There. A truth. Not a liar, then.
Andrew's hold tighten. "The King died, the Queen lived. Stop looking for ghost who are long gone. Your hand is fine, and if it's not, boohoo. You'll live. The Queen has a few tricks under his right sleeve, remember?
Looking at the determination in Andrew's eyes, at his unshaking certanty on Kevin's ablity to play, to be the best in the game, to be his Queen, made something in him click.
"We are friends" he said. Not a question, not really.
Andrew flicked him an unnimpresed look and let go of his hands.
"We are late for a movie. Tell me if your hand gets bad again and I'll drive you to your doctor" He got out of the car then, likely assuming that Kevin was following after him.
He was not wrong.
Somehow, everyone decided to come watch the movie. Matt was lying on the couch with his head on Dan's lap. Renee was sitting on the carpeted floor, braiding Allison's hair. Nicky sat next Dan, with Matt's legs drapped over him. He seemed very confortable. Andrew was on the floor in front of Neil's seat. He was engrossed watching the movie and eating French fries with ice cream. Where did he got the french fries, Kevin didn't know. If he had know, he would have argue against them. He would have probably thrown them in the trash, the knife pulled in his direction be damned. Kevin sat with Neil next to him. The only one who sat alone was Aaron, who was looking at his phone instead of watching Rapunzel hit Flynn in the head.
Kevin got out his phone and typed.
How much would it hurt to get hit on the head with a pan?
He sent the text without thinking twice about it. Aaron shot him an annoyed glance before typing.
whyre u asking me?
Kevin smiled.
ure the doctor, right?
Aaron looked at him like he was a moron. He got that glance a lot.
wtf that doesn't mean i know how much would it hurt.
Then, without giving him much of a chance to type a reply, came another message.
wanna try?
Kevin didn't even bother replying, he just flipped him off. Aaron smiled at him. He didn't look happy, but pleased with himself. Kevin flipped him off again. It was his fault, really, for not thinking before typing. For not thinking, period.
For a while, he tried to watch the movie silently. It was hard, though, because he wanted to speak. He wanted to ask questions— like where is the bathroom in the tower?— or make coments about the movie, but he knew his thoughts wouldn't be welcome. His teamates always looked annoyed whenever he spoke. Granted, most of the time he only spoke about Exy, but still. He tried to not be bother by it, and sometimes he succeded. He didn't care they didn't like him, it wasn't necesary for them to play. However, sometimes he felt lonely. Watching the easy way Dan, Renee and Allison interected with each other reminded him about a time when he, Riko and Jean got along.
It hadn't all been bad.
To him, at least.
Sometimes, Jean would come to their room to do homework— even the Ravens had to do it, even if the Master though it unnecesary— and he would listen to Kevin rambling about whatever topic they had learned in class. Riko, sometimes, would make a comment to derrail the conversation, but he didn't argue whenever Kevin brought it back to the topic at had. Sometimes, they would play such a good game even Riko wouldn't help but smile, pleased. They would talk then, bright eyed and so gooddam excited about their future. How would it be to be Court, how would it be to live outside the Nest. Riko wouldn't even get mad about Kevin and Jean voicing that. He thought of the Nest as his kingdome, as his domain, but he didn't punish them for daring to dream about leaving it.
Watching the girls, it hurt.
Not as much as watching Andrew and Neil did though. That killed him sometimes. They were so at ease, so content with each other the others sometimes joked about how disgusting they were. Kevin never said anything, he had said it all after all, and was glad to be silent. He was glad that no one knew how much he despised that invisible string that tied Neil and Andrew together. He was glad no one knew how much he hated to see Neil smiling at Andrew, that smile that spoke a language that neither one of the Foxes, nor anyone else for that matter, where allowed to know. Only Andrew. A whole language for just the two of them.
It made Kevin sick.
It sicken him the way Andrew's fingers would find Neil whenever he was close. How they would touch his hair or his neck, or how they would find Neil's belt only to bring him closer to himself. Or how he would always be aware of Neil's presence in every room they stepped foot on. Andrew was the Moon of Neil's Sun.
He had hopped he read the signs wrong. After all, he was oblivious most of the time, but even he could read the desire in Andrew's eyes when they went to Columbia. Even though he knew nothing of German, he felt how charged the air had been. They were one breath appart from each other, and since then they had been always bound to one another.
He couldn't help them anymore. Not that they cared. Not that they wanted his help.
Fools, he thought everytime he saw them. It didn't matter the happiness in Neil's eyes whenever his eyes found Andrew, of the trust that Andrew gave Neil whenever they would sit close to eachother in the couch in their room. They were fools for displaying this.
He was a fool because he envy them.
He was a fool, because he had not learned.
He had kept this side of him from everyone, even Riko. Specially Riko. No one knew. Not even Jean. Specially not Jean. He kept it all inside. The way he'd always been pleased with himself whenever he made Jean laugh in the Nest. The way he'd always tried to be careful with Jean's wounds when he had to clean them up, always careful to never keep his hands on Jean's skin long enough to be suspicious. The way he loved Jean smell, or his wonderfull accent that Jean always despiced.
The Nest killed all the joy, it killed all the colors in the world. Kevin wouldn't allow it to kill Jean too.
Or so he had tought. He was a coward, after all.
He tried, he really did. But when Riko broke his hand, he didn't think, he only reacted. He went to Jean and he begged:
"Help me. Distract him, please. Jean, please".
And Jean, wonderful, gentle, unbearably loyal and beautiful Jean, did.
Kevin didn't mean to kill him. He tried all those years to keep him as safe as he could in a place which only thrieved in blood. He tried. And it wasn't enough.
The horrors of Evermore where forever ingrated in his being, in his soul. His mind might have deleated some of the files, but his body remembered. In Evermore he lost it all. His mother, his autonomy, his love. He hadn't expected to lose the only thing he could ever call his. His game.
In the end, back then, he was only a boy. A broken, lost boy. And when it mattered, he ran.
He ran and found his father.
The Foxes were unpleasant. They were loud, angry and broken.
They were like him.
He sacrificed his heart, and he found a family.
He didn't remember fallen asleep. What was the last thing that he saw? Was it Rapunzel and Flynn in the boat? Or was it the horse and the iguana breaking Flynn from jail?
"… Coach would never give up on anyone, of course he would not give up on his son. But how long can we keep this up? How long until his hand screw us up?" said Dan, in a horrified whisper. "They will eat us alive when they find out his hand is not better. Again. We can't afford to slow down, not after last year, not for anyone. Not even for him"
Kevin's mind was loud again. Louder than ever. It hurt to think, it hurt to even breath.
Dan was right. Of course she was. He was always breaking things. He broke his mom, he broke Jean. He broke himself, and now he was going to break his team.
He didn't remember how he got to the stadium. He didn't remember how he got this bottle of vodka. He didn't even remember if this was his first bottle. It must have been, though, because his thought were still loud. They were knives in his brain, Riko's voice taunting him, saying "It was so easy to kill her. She didn't even see it coming! That's what my uncle said. I was surprised when he said he was the one to do it, I though he wouldn't have wanted to dirty himself with some whore. Color me surprised when he told me he respected her for helping him name the game. As a thank you, he would give her the honor of dying by his hand." It was Jean, always Jean, looking at him with broken, tired eyes, saying "My place is at Evermore, but you did not have to slit my throat on the way out".
He was sick, Kevin realized unshakable certainty. He needed his brain to stop. He needed it to stop.
He didn't remember going to Abby's office and he didn't remember the name of the pills he brought with him to the court. The name did not matter, nothing mattered. He shocked the bottle and got a handful of pils. Drowned them down with the rest of his vodka. He laid down.
And he waited. It wouldn't be long now.
It was the twins who found him. Aaron, who woke up to Nicky snoring quietly in his bed. He went to the common area for a glass of water only to be greaten by the sight of an empty couch and Matt and Dan whispering in the kitchen.
"Where is Kevin? Did Andrew came for him?" Aaron said while reaching for a glass.
"Isn't he still sleeping? No one came after the girls left," said Matt with a frown on his face. His hair was messy, without the gel to keep it spiky.
"Shit. I'm going to get Andrew," said Aaron.
And Andrew, who woke to a pounding door, only to be greaten by his worried mirror.
"Kevin left" he didn't say anything else. Andrew felt a swell of respect for his twin. He had no use of a blabbering mess.
"Let's go," he said grabbing his keys. He didn't bother changing or going to get Neil. Those things weren't important now.
They found Kevin lying on the floor of the court, pills all over him and an empty bottle of vodka.
"Call Abby," said Aaron. He dropped next to Kevin and checked his pulse. There, lower than normal. "Kevin. Kevin, wake up," no response, which was not unusual as Kevin was the heaviest sleeper in the team. However, that didn't reassure Aaron. He laid Kevin on his side, opened his mouth, tilted his head back, lifting his chin.
He remembered Katelynn said to never make a person vomit, that it could cause more harm than good. He just needed to check his breathing until Abby arrived. He was fine. They were fine. Fuck, Josten must be contagious.
"They're on their way" said Andrew, sitting next to him. They both looked at Kevin. The Queen of Exy, the history nerd. the one who gave them a chance for a better life, a good life. He looked relaxed. Sweaty, but relaxed. He looked just asleep.
With his brother by his side, Aaron got a glimpse of how it must have been for his twin to wait outside the door of the inferno that ate Aaron alive.
Was this how Andrew felt? Unlike Kevin, who lay still, Aaron had not been quiet. He had raged and he had cursed and he had begged. Death was a kindness that he had not been granted. Did Andrew fought the same battle they were waiting right now?
He felt, in the seven minutes that took Abby and Coach to arrive, the unnatural stillness when you have to wait and will death to look away, to not take him yet. For you cannot do anything but wait.
Kevin woke up in a world of pain.
"Ugh" he said. He felt the worst hang over he had ever experienced. He closed his eyes against the brightness that filtered Coach's windows. He didn't remember getting to his dad's Coach's apartment. He must have found him passed out when he went to open the Court for morning practice. He was not looking forward to this specific conversation.
"How do you feel?" Wymack's gruff voice came from somewhere above him.
Kevin wasn't sure. His body felt tired, and his mind was… not so bad. But he couldn't shake the feeling there was something wrong. Although that was nothing new. Kevin always felt like there was something wrong, something just out of grasp.
"Why am I here, Coach? I'm sure me passing out drunk is nothing new to anyone anymore". Kevin lifted his body to an upright position on the couch, wincing a little at the headache that was beginning to build behind his eyes. What he wouldn't give for a glass of water right now.
Coach didn't say a word for a long time, so long that it made Kevin feel suddenly worried. He lifted his green gaze toward his father Coach. He had seen Coach look at every Foxes tragedy in the eye and never break under their weight. He didn't know what must have happen while he was asleep to put that gaze into his eyes. He tensed, feeling the all too familiar dread squishing his rapidly beating heart.
"Is Neil okey? Did the Moriyamas do something? Is Jean okey? The team? What happened, Coach?" he said, breathing rapidly. He couldn't take this silence, this feeling of wrongness that made his home inside Kevin's chest every second that passed and that gaze didn't leave his father's eyes.
"They're okey". Said Coach, voice breaking at the end of the word. He took a deep breath, and said, with unbearable, fake calmness "What do you remember about last night?
Kevin didn't want to talk to anyone about this. He didn't want to think about it, much less voice it. If he kept it hidden, kept it to himself, it wouldn't be able to hurt him more. Kevin Day was a broken man trying very hard to keep his pieces from crumbling. He was a coward, he was a traitor, and he was tired. He didn't know how much longer he had before the quickness in which his blood ran through his veins killed him. It didn't matter that he watched what he ate, or that he bled himself on the court. It didn't matter that he had survived The Master, and Riko, and it didn't matter that he had survived losing Jean. His time was running out, he knew it.
He didn't want to talk, but his father's eyes left no room for bullshit. He lowered his gaze, and he felt rather than saw the nail of his ring finger making his way to scratch the skin of his thumb. He spoke, not meeting his father's eyes.
"I think I played Exy for a while. When that didn't work, I drank though I don't remember what or how much. And when that didn't work either, I took some pills. I don't remember the name, I don't think I even cared to read the label."
"What do you mean when that didn't work?" Wymack asked. He used no inflection, but to Kevin it sounded like a question. He regarded his father, who sat in the table in front of him, and considered how could he voice this war that happened inside his mind. He considered if he would believe him.
In that moment, Kevin wished he could be like his father. He wished he had his strength, his patience, his sanity. Kevin was not his father son, he wasn't his mother son either. Kevin was Kevin, and there was nothing worse to be.
"I know you think I won't understand, and perhaps you are right, perhaps I won't understand. But make no mistake, that won't stop me from caring, nor it will stop me from helping you in any way I can. I—" His voice was rough, ragged. "I already lost so much of you. I haven't been there, I haven't protected you. I have failed you. But I promise you, I won't do it again. You are not alone, son. I am here, I won't let anything happen to you anymore".
Kevin Day was a broken man, hanging with all his might to the last piece of his armor. He was a coward, a traitor. But specially, he was an actor. He had acted all of his life, it had saved him in every way a person like him could be saved. But, in the end, no one had taught him how to lie in the face of a desperate father, watching his kid struggle and being unable to do anything to help.
In the end, Kevin broke. And his father caught every single one of his pieces.
Was he a liar like Neil?
Kevin thought he couldn't possibly be like Neil. Neil, who grew up with a psychopath, had to run away to save himself, and lost his mother in a horrific way. Kevin might not had to burn his mother's bones at the beach, but he did watch her body being lowered to the grown taking the only silver of light Kevin Day saw in years.
He might not be as agile, and as strong and definetly not as mouthy as Neil, but Kevin was a liar. He had perfected his poker face ever since his mother died, leaving him alone with the master's heavy fists and Riko's endless cruelty. Kevin was so young back then he had to fight against his brain to keep inside its files the memory of his mother. The way she smiled and lifted him on her shoulders, her body strong and agile not even breaking a sweat running with him on the park. The way she always made him chicken soup whenever he felt sick, or how she would tell him bed time stories about ancient Greece, lying in his bed and staring at the stars that she hanged from the celling. He remembered vaguely the last time that he saw her: he had been so happy to be left on the Nest with Riko that he almost forgot to say goodbye. He remembered her smiling at him, waving goodbye, and getting herself on her car.
After that, life lost all its light.
Does it count like lying if you hid yourself so deep you almost forget you even exist? The you that doesn't have to drink to keep himself functioning, the you that plays a game he loves just because he loves it, because every time he swings his racket he feels the ghost of his mother, not giving a shit about angles and precision and scoring the most complicated shot, the you that loves looking at the night sky and remembers all the myths about the constellations that he once saw lying on the grass with his mother?
It's ironic how similar he and Neil were. It seems ridicule he ever felt insulted by being called a Fox, not a raven.
Cunning fox, that was Neil.
Cowardly fox, that was him.
When Kevin woke up again it's not his father who greeted him.
It's hazel, tired eyes.
"I don't need a baby sitter," grumbled tiredly Kevin.
"Says the guy who had his stomach washed," said Aaron, not looking annoyed nor upset.
He's actually not showing a lot of emotions on his face. Aaron Minyard might bitch and moan how unlike his brother he is, but they weren't so different after all. Andrew mastered the art of looking at life without blinking. Not expecting anything, not even fucking caring. Aaron tried his best to follow on his footsteps. And he almost got it, don't get him wrong. His eyes though, those never lied. Aaron was quick in anger and, though not many of the Foxes say, in laughter.
"Did you enjoy the learning opportunity?" A small smile spread across Kevin's lips.
"Shut the fuck up, asshole," there. Blink and you miss it, exasperation.
"Really, though, I don't need a babysitter anymore. I'm actually surprised Andrew is not here to choke the life out of me," Kevin said, sitting up to face Aaron. He felt wrong lying down, like he was weak.
"Like he could", said Aaron. He probably forgot Andrew had actually choked Kevin once. He didn't look particularly angry at the mention of his twin. That's a first. "He let me in charge of you. Said junkies will understand each other better".
"Don't be absurd. will never endanger my game with something so stupid as drugs," Kevin said defensively. Dust didn't count because dust was not technically addictive. God, he loved semantics.
Aaron just shrugged. "Sure, you might not shoot a line, but you sure as fuck drink your weight on vodka. You're right, you're not an addict, just an alcoholic. How silly of my twin to get those mixed" said Aaron. He didn't even have the decency of looking ashamed. In fact, there was hot gold inside his hazel eyes.
Kevin wanted to deny it. He wanted to stand up, face this blond midget who might be acting friendly but surely must be dying to get out of here and his girlfriend and his cousin and the Foxes just how broken was their Queen, and tell him exactly where he could stick his racket. He wanted to scream that a little vodka every now and then was no different than the dust that Aaron did to dull the edges of a hard day. But after facing his father, Kevin had no more strength left. He had no more defiance in him, no more acting left in his body. It didn't matter that he might not be technically an addict, nor that he had his reasons. That last night was just an off night. None of it mattered, really. Not when Jean had seen just how broken he was when he saw him at Jeremy's place. How angry he had been. Once again disappointed by Kevin.
An alcoholic. That's Kevin.
Another label to his growing list.
"It doesn't matter what I am. This won't affect my game. Yesterday was just a mistake. It won't happen again"
"You're right it won't happen again. Andrew is not here because he's getting rid of all the alcohol in your dorm. I think he planned on getting rid of all the alcohol in our floor. And Coach only left because he went to get Abby and the therapist", Aaron said. "They won't let you kill yourself".
"I wasn't trying to kill myself!" Kevin said angrily. He wanted to go back to sleep. In his sleep he was not Kevin Day, Queen of Exy, failure of a son and a teammate. He wanted to stop the needles in his brain and to cut off his tear duct from his eyes. "I just… I just wanted silence. I didn't want to die".
Aaron looked at him without disapproval or disgust on his eyes. Slowly, he said.
"Before Andrew, back when I lived with my mom, I would take whatever I could to make everything disappear. I wanted silence too. It didn't mattered to me that I could die. At first, I just wanted silence. Then, the drugs became the only good thing in my life. Not only did I get the silence I craved, but I felt amazing. Nothing hurt, nothing even mattered. Not even me. Specially me".
It surprised Kevin to hear this side of Aaron. They never talked about their lives before the Foxes. They mostly just bitched at each other. Whoever, this didn't feel wrong.
"Alcohol gives me silence. Well, it normally does. Sometimes I can't stop thinking and it's like I'm a ball ricochetting on the walls of the court, and I'm also the racket that it's trying to catch the ball, but I'm also me holding the racket and trying but I just can't seem to get a hold of the ball and my feet are stuck and the whole court is moving. When I feel that way I might take a drink. I know it doesn't make sense, and I know it's not ideal, but is the only thing that has worked for me" Kevin said, cheeks red and gaze moving from Aaron's hazel eyes to his blond messy hair.
"Yesterday didn't work, right? That's why you took the pills?" Aaron frowned. Kevin wondered how would it feel to smudge the frown with his index finger.
"Yeah. I truly wasn't trying to kill myself. I just… I don't know. I wasn't thinking straight. And I won't do it again. I have no intentions on my stomach being washed twice by a blonde without a degree"
Aaron hit him on the arm. The nerve of this fucker.
"I didn't do the washing! I just helped," Aaron argued.
"Like I care. What do I get in return of my services? I didn't agree to be your practice dummy".
"Jackass. Next time I'll leave you to die and make a fool of yourself".
"You wish. You are too much a goody-goody two shoes. That's why you want to be a doctor, right?" Kevin half joked. He knew Aaron was good. All the Foxes were, no matter how much they fought to hide and deny it.
"Shut up" Aaron said, cheeks turning red. He was trying to look annoyed, but Kevin was used to that default on his face. This one was definetly not annoyed. Kevin wondered what to make of this Aaron. The one who shared his past and looked at his breaking sanity without any censure or disapointment. The one who blushed easily and looked after him. "And what about you, anyway. I know all of the Foxes wonder why are you into History. What, do you plan on quitting Exy and spend your life on the desert looking for clues about ancient ways people used to play ball?
That definetly distracted Kevin from wondering what other things could he say to make Aaron blush again.
"That's actually not a bad thing to reaserch. Did you know one of the most popular ancient civilizations of Mexico, the Mayans, had a ballgame in which the players were not allowed to drop the ball to the floor but they only had to use their bodies to keep the ball moving? The ball was moved only with the hips, elbows, or knees of the players and they scored only when the ball passed by this ridicusly small ring on the wall. And, of course, we have the Greeks and their Olympics which started as a way to entertain tiny, whining Zeus. Have you ever been to Mexico, or Greece? I would love to see the cites in which humanity thrived".
Aaron looked at Kevin with amusment shining in his eyes. He didn't complained when Kevin started retelling in detail the myth of the competition between Heracles— no, Aaron, not that Heracles— and his brothers. This was the Kevin he knew, Aaron thought, the Kevin he might actually liked, though we wouldn't tell anyone that.
It wasn't much, Kevin knew he still had a dozen or so people to face, but in that moment with Aaron looking at him not like he was sick, but like he was just him, but it made Kevin think that despide his aching mind and bleeding soul, perhaps he was still savable.