Chapter Text
“You're absolutely sure about this? I could call Lincoln.”
“Your cousin is tutoring Octavia, he's got his hands full as it is,” I reminded her, but she wouldn't let down.
“He could still-,” she tried but I interrupted her before she could say something even more ridiculous than that Lincoln would babysit. He already is, I thought to myself, and Octavia is a greater challenge than Aden by a longshot.
“Lexa, I said that it's okay.” She still opened her mouth to protest once more but remained quiet when I kneeled next to the boy playing with a fire truck. “We're going to play and study, in that order. Right, Aden?”
The little boy looked up at me with the most joyful face and held out the truck for me to play with him as he answered with incoherent sounds.
I looked up to catch Lexa watching us with a gentle expression. A warm gaze met mine and for a moment I thought to myself that she was tearing up.
Her expression caught me off guard and I didn't know what to do other than turn to Aden again. “You're going to be late,” I reminded her.
She didn't answer me, all she did was leave and I listened out for her footsteps as she walked down the hall and out the front door.
My head is pounding by the time I've stepped out into the mid-afternoon sun. To say that my mind has been preoccupied the last couple of weeks would be an understatement, which is why it tastes even sweeter to lay another assignment behind me. The only thing that could make me feel even better would be some sleep, there hasn't been much of that lately. I have myself to blame for that. Well, not entirely. There's always someone else's fault too, but I can only hold myself accountable. At least when it comes to this. My eyes remain closed as I turn to face the sun, the sunlight caresses my skin with a deep and soothing heat. All I need is some sleep and sun, something other than thoughts and obligations. Hadn't it been for the buzzing in my back pocket, which draws a grunt from my lips, I would have fallen asleep leaning against the building. I reluctantly force myself to take out the phone and at least check who´s trying to get a hold of me. I'm almost disappointed when I find that it´s just an email from one of the professors about the assignments for next week. Closing the email, I see that I have a new message as well and when my eyes read the name of the caller ID a smile spreads itself over my lips. A soft and genuine smile.
From A. Woods: Hey. I´m sorry about this, but could you take Aden today? Only if you have the time of course. If I haven't heard from you before three o’clock, I'll call Lincoln. /Lexa
It´s silly. Completely and utterly idiotic that something as small as a text could hold such a great value. That a few words on a screen could erase all signs of exhaustion and irritation. Even though she is the reason for the chaos within me, the storm of thoughts in my head and the bottomless doubt in my core, she can still do this. Maybe I've taught my body to associate happiness with pain. With loss. Still, no one has such power over my temper and mood like that green-eyed girl.
To A.Woods: Of course I'll get him, don't worry.
Without thinking twice about it I'm already on my way to the west end of town. All I know is that of all the things in the world I only need that boy and the forest green of his eyes to find something that resembles peace. It´s a mystery how I ended up in the situation I'm in. I for one didn't see it coming, see them coming. A lot has changed since I started college, most of them for the better and the best being the Woods siblings. When I first met Aden I was sure that Lexa had been fooling me when she´d said that he was her little brother, because he looked just like her, just like the kids she would have. When she made it clear that it was impossible that he was her kid, telling me about men never been her taste, she only grew greater in my eyes. I still can't, for the life of me, understand how we've ended up here. In this situation. I hate that she feels like she must apologize, as if she´s been in the wrong, when in fact I can´t tell her no. She´s not to blame for any of it, of how I felt or how I still feel.
The red wine tasted too good. It had been forever since we last had a moment for ourselves, a moment to simply sit and talk like normal people. It was late. We had stretched into the early hours of the Friday to come and by the look of the half-full bottle on the table between us, the night was far from over. The first bottle had gone empty within the first hour, what had then followed was just as long time spent talking and laughing. With the occasional silence to listen out for Aden Lexa had been relaxed and talkative, but as the hours went on she grew more and more silent. I could see her mind fall into deep thought. I waited for her to break through the surface and return to me, but after half an hour of watching her, I had to ask.
“What´s on your mind, Lex?”
Her green eyes, bright even in the dark of night, looked up from where they had focused on the table. That colour had the ability to transfix me, no matter the hour. She sighs. “I don't want to leave him more than I have to.” It sounded more like a confession than anything else, like something she had yet to let out to the world or herself. “I'm taking it day by day at this point.”
“I know how hard that is for you. You´re doing all you can,” I said and reached over to caress her arm comfortingly. “Better than most.”
“It´s how I survive,” she told me and kept those green eyes on me when I scoffed silently.
“Survive.” I shook my head. “Maybe life should be more than just surviving. Don't we deserve better than that,” I said sarcastically. I for one could only hope that our reality wouldn't be something to survive, but the experience. To cherish. As I sunk deep into absentmindedness, my gaze falling to the table, I felt the slow strokes of Lexa´s fingers over my arm, from my wrist up to my elbow.
“Maybe we do…” she whispered in the softest of voices, drawing my eyes back to hers.
It happened so quickly, yet as in slow-motion. One moment I saw green and the next those eyes were hidden behind closed eyelids. One moment we sat a table apart, comfortably on our chairs, and the next she had risen from her seat and pulled me closer to her. Her face was flushed against mine and the taste of her lips was bitter from coffee. Lexa kissed me, ever so softly and gently. Her nose brushed against mine in that fleeting second when I could draw for breath. It happened so quickly, from one moment to the next, but in that breath, it fell into place.
I drew back, chest heavy and lips craving more. “Lexa, I-” I tried to find the right words, the right reason to not fall back into her, into the vast warmth of her embrace, but all I found was green and the confusion that filled it. I opened my mouth to explain and as if on cue the sound of Aden´s crying reached us, drawing both our attention to his door. We waited for him to settle and fall back asleep, but his strained cry wouldn´t cease. I glanced over at Lexa, caught the tension in her jaw before she nodded quietly and then got up, leaving me somewhat perplexed and confused.
A rerun of Gossip Girl is on, playing in the background as I'm tidying up after dinner. The door to Aden’s room is on ajar and through the slim opening, I can hear him sleeping soundly. I peek through the door every other time I pass it on my way to the kitchen and every single time my heart flutter with love. It's getting late, I can feel it in the tension of my shoulders and the slight headache coming on. Against my better judgement, I pour another cup of coffee and retreat to the couch.
The door opens not long after I´ve gotten comfortable and I can hear Lexa´s rustling as she takes off her shoes and jacket. I turn off the TV to come to meet her, but as I stand my eyes fall over her and her figure. She looks completely wrecked, dirty and muddy from top to toe. Worst of all, her hand is wrapped in bandages just as dirty as herself and a shiver moves down my spine at the sight of it.
“What happened?”
I´m up and by her side the next second. She looks down at her hand and puts on that stern look I absolutely hate. I drag her to the couch by her other arm and instruct her to take a seat before I sit down on the coffee table and unwrap her hand.
“It´s nothing,” she claims, but squirms when I carefully take her hand. I shake my head, well aware of her rolling her eyes at me and then sighing. “It's my own fault, I should have checked that the pipe had cooled off… It really hurts when you do that,” she admits as I feel around the blistered area which I´ve uncovered.
“These are not sterile. Let me change them,” I tell her and go get my bag, she watches me quietly as I pull out new bandages and some aloe vera gel. I look her over once more before reaching for her hand again, the warmth I feel spreading through my body is caused by her. I know it is. I´ve known for some time now, but as she sits before me, wrecked and wounded, it becomes more evident than before.
She hums in pain as I apply the aloe vera. “A warning would have been nice.”
“Warning.”
She laughs. Like actually laughs and this bright, big and adorable smile fills up her lips. “Think you're funny?” she says, but quickly quiets and squirms once again.
Her quiet worries me because she of all people isn't one to cave in for pain.
“Try and avoid using this hand for a couple of days.”
“Oh I wasn't planning on it,” she answers and I smile back at her when our eyes meet. “Thank you,” she continues as I rewrap her hand.
“Just don´t try and pay me for it, okay.”
She reaches forward, surprising me by doing so, and pulls up my head with a finger under my chin. Those deep green eyes stare back at me and I can feel it in my core. I can feel everything. “You're special, Clarke.” Her finger travels up my jawline until she has cupped my face, her palm is soft and gentle.
It´s in her eyes. The want. The waiting. The utter struggle, one she won´t lose.
“Lexa.”
She bites her lip. Hard by the looks of it, eyes still locked on mine, but then that piercing gaze flickers down lower and the tug at my chest is caused by it. She wants to kiss me. “Tell me not to,” she tells me like she´s read my mind and I can't help but hear it as a plead.
My chest has turned constrained and I got to fight to find enough oxygen to answer her, let alone find words to do so with. “Lex… I can't,” I answer in a whisper and that green gaze finds my blue one again.
She holds her ground, for all I know determined not to make the same mistake twice. God knows, I saw the disappointment in her the last time as clear as I see the wanting now. She won't do it. Won´t let herself hope to be met by the same action, by the same want. Although, that is what she would be.
So, I kiss her. Hard and slow, to make sure she feels all of it. All my desperate need for her. All my regret from the day she last kissed me and how much I´ve missed her touch since then. And it´s nothing I thought it would be - it´s hard, slow and makes my lungs scream for air and my head spin. And she tastes of mint, like the breath mints she has been eating like candy lately. And all of her fills me up in that one kiss.
“You were right, Clarke,” she says as she pulls back ever so slightly, with her lips brushing over mine with every word. Those green eyes lock onto mine again, one lonely tear tumbling over to dance down her own cheek, and her thumb brushes over my cheek. “Life is about more than just surviving.” The smile that fills up her whole face pulls me back in and the taste of her lips on mine has me intoxicated.