Chapter Text
It was a regular Tuesday morning, Shane and Ilya were relaxing at the cottage with Anya, enjoying the last few days of the off season in their favourite place. They were both a little tired after watching Hayden & Jackie's kids for the weekend, so the Pike's could have a little R&R of their own, on their own. While Ilya laughs at whatever goofy TikTok or reel he is currently watching, Shane's phone pings with an incoming iMessage notification, rom Hayden.
Shane tries not to laugh, but that is kind of funny, given Hayden is not really known for helping Jackie around the house. She is Superwoman for the way she keeps the Pike household on track, on time, and not on fire. He opens the photos and his eyebrows shoot up his forehead, he is actually surprised by the image.
Shane: Ilya...
Ilya: yes moya lyubov?
Shane: did you leave something for Hayden when we stayed there this weekend?
Ilya gives Shane a look of absolute indignation.
Ilya: why would I leave anything for Pike? We give best gift by looking after Pikelets.
Shane: so you didn't leave rubber gloves with a post-it note telling Hayden if he used those to help Jackie around the house he'd get laid, but also he should use protection because he, and I quote, "has enough little Pikes"??
Ilya: of course not, Shane. I would never write like office manager.
Shane: that's not the denial you think it is, Rozanov.
Ilya: Shane, you wound me. You think ME, best hockey player in world, love of your life, your lyubimyy muzh would do such things?!
Shane bursts out laughing, his husband is soooooooooo unbelievably guilty, it's actually ridiculous.
Shane: Yes Ilya, love of my life, beloved husband, second in last year's scoring race, I absolutely believe you DID do this.
Shane shows Ilya the photo, and despite his best efforts, Ilya cannot hide the smirk on his face. Shane immediately clocks him, and calls him on it, while Ilya tries in vain to make it look like he is smirking at whatever is on his own phone's screen. He fails miserably, but would never admit that. Russian's do not do this.
Shane: and you have the balls to say I AM the terrible liar in this relationship?! Ilya Rozanov you lie like a dirty rug!
Ilya: what is this phrase? It makes no sense. English is such a terrible language.
Shane: ohhhhh don't even try that with me Rozanov, your English is better now than it has ever been!
Ilya: both things can be true Shane.
Shane returns to his message thread with Hayden.
Shane: ILYA! you left garbage bags for Hayden's trash talk??
Ilya: no I didn't. I left Frank Talks Trash bags, for the awful chirps that come from Montreal's 15th best player.
Shane: that seems like a little overkill, don't you think?
Ilya: NooooooPe. That is motivation for him to do better, solnyshko.
Shane just rolls his eyes, while Ilya laughs at his own jokes. He really is the most absurd human under the sun.
Hayden doesn't answer, likely because he has realized Shane doesn't view this attack on his household with the same fervour as him.
For a few days after, Shane randomly catches Ilya giggling to himself, seemingly out of nowhere. Every time Shane enquires about what could be so funny, Ilya just says "nothing" or that he was remembering a "funny reel with silly dogs being silly". He is not at all subtle, and is very suspicious. Shane knows he is full of shit, but given that he has no clue what is making his husband giggle, he can't really call him out as such, but he knows eventually whatever it is will come to light. The switch gets turned on a few weeks later, as Shane's phone chimes with another text from Hayden.
Shane absolutely cannot handle the drama from his best friend, and bursts out laughing, to the point of having tears rolling down his cheeks. He knows he shouldn't find it nearly this funny, and Ilya really is a next level menace, buuuuuttttttt, this Frank battle with Hayden, as ridiculous as it is, is harmless and hilarious. Jackie had actually called Shane after the first products were found in the house, in absolute hysterics over how wired her husband was. They both agreed, he can dish it really well, but he definitely cannot take it. Ilya was of course delighted by the fact that Lady Pike was getting enjoyment out of this, and almost as much as he was by the sounds of it.
Shane ventures out from where he was sitting in the kitchen, to the den where Ilya is waiting for him to play a little 'Chel. He climbs into Ilya's lap, while wiping his tears from his eyes.
Ilya: Oh no! Dorogoy, what is the meaning of your face? Is much too pretty to be covered in tears while wearing this many clothes.
Shane: I am ignoring that last part, you absolute fucking menace. How the hell did you manage to get yet another Frank product to Hayden, in his gear bag in the Montreal locker room, no less??
Ilya:The ancestors helped me.
Shane: THE ANCESTORS? Jesus Christ Rozanov, where do you come up with this bullshit?
Ilya: no, no, no, is not bullshit. I am very connected to my ancestors, and they help me.
Shane: you're not going to tell me are you?
Ilya: is nothing to tell. is Russian magic.
Shane starts laughing all over again. Ilya joins him and the two devolve in to raucous giggles on the den couch, both with the tears in their eyes. Shane has his head on Ilya's shoulder, tears soaking into a t-shirt Shane is pretty sure is his. Ilya has his face buried in Shane's hair, tears falling on glossy black locks. After what could have been 5 minutes, could have been 55 minutes, they both compose themselves, and go on with their very competitive, high stakes game of hockey on the PS5, loser makes dinner, and since he is on the cover of the fucking game, Ilya is convinced he cannot lose. (Spoiler alert, he does. badly. he is about as poor a sport as you can imagine). The madness of Hayden's text all but forgotten by the time dinner rolls around.
A week or so goes by, when Shane's phone buzzes with another annoyed text from Hayden, fresh off his team's absolute slaughter on their road trip. It seems Ilya has been up to no good again, but Shane is not prepared for what he finds in Hayden's message.
While Shane waits for the sure to be funny photo to be delivered, he realizes his menace of a husband has changed Hayden's name in his phone at some point. Shane starts giggling while he changes it back, and loses his mind when the photo actually comes through.
before Shane can form a coherent response to that, one that will not incriminate the accomplice, it seems the accomplice fesses up on his own.
Shane isn't sure how to answer this, because technically, yes he was in on this. he didn't HELP Ilya per say, but he also didn't stop him when he saw the tissues on their trip to Crappy Tire a couple days ago. He knew by Ilya's giggle that there was a plan forming in his beautiful head, and he seemed so overjoyed with whatever that was, Shane didn't have the heart to shut him down. He decides to try a different way out of the accusation.
A few days go by, and as has become habit around their house, Ilya is quietly chuckling to himself over and over again. Shane is certain it has to do with his Hayden/Frank battle, but he prefers to be able to claim blissful ignorance, for the message he knows will be coming from Hayden, likely soon if he knows his husband. Ilya for his part, as suspicious as he is behaving, seems peaceful. Too peaceful. Shane has started to worry what he is actually going to do this time, and starts thinking of ways to not get incriminated in his scheming, regardless of how benign it has been thus far.
It comes to head on a random Wednesday, when neither the Metros nor the Centaurs are playing. Ilya wakes up with the most diabolical smirk on his face that Shane has ever seen. It's honestly adorable and terrifying all at the same time. At 930am Shane's phone rings, and Hayden's contact info comes up on the screen. When Shane answers, all he can hear is the shrieks of laughter in the background, and Hayden cosplaying as the big bad wolf. He's huffing, he's puffing, and Shane is pretty sure he would blow their house down if he wasn't so far away.. The thought immediately makes Shane laugh out loud, and Pike in his annoyance hangs up on him. Shane decides a text is probably a safer way to communicate.
Shane cannot control the full chest, guffaw that escapes his mouth, he physically is incapable of responding to Hayden in that moment. Ilya comes around the corner with a smirk on his face that tells Shane he knows exactly what is up and why his husband is laughing so uncontrollably. Ilya just looks a Shane, gives a little chuckle, before dropping one of his characteristic one liners and walking way.
Ilya: Thank you coming to the roast of Hayden Pike.
Shane laughs even harder, he really does love his incredible menace of a husband.