Chapter Text
⊹₊⟡⋆ ──── ❝ 𝘚𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘸𝘰𝘯 ❞ ────⊹₊⟡⋆
Pain
Numbness
A dull, throbbing pain at the back of his head is the first thing Lee Sangwon registers as he begins to regain consciousness. His heart finally picks up a normal pace.
He feels his whole body heavy and numb as he tries to move his limbs. It’s as if his body lost all its stamina and is scraping internally to gather an ounce of strength just to lift a finger. He tries to open his eyes but feels a sharp stinging pain blooming through his head as his eyelids grow heavier.
Barely regaining consciousness, he tries to open them again, mustering the strength through sheer willpower.
His eyes open once, recording a sharp sting of pain on his eyelids, and they fling shut in response.
Undeterred, his eyes flutter open repeatedly— This time more resolutely.
Just as his eyes open properly, they are met with a bright light seeping into the room through the blinds; the fluorescent lights worsen the discomfort in his eyes and turn his vision hazy.
His eyes squint as he’s unable to keep his vision steady due to the light irritating his pupils.
Then gradually,
To his relief, the rays no longer bother him, and he can finally look around comfortably; at last, his eyeballs are no longer in constant pain.
He feels something or someone block the luminescent rays with their broad torso, providing Sangwon the ability to finally properly look around.
A stark white square tiled ceiling stretched above him. It looked awfully lifeless, washed in the golden glow of the afternoon seeping into the room.
While taking in the sight of the room he was in, Sangwon felt a certain warmth in his palms. Despite his whole body still throbbing with pain in that perpetual rhythm, his senses zeroed in on the sensation in his hands.
It was guiding his senses back to reality,
By being exceptionally warm,
Oddly comforting,
And strangest of all,
Utterly familiar.
So familiar so that he found his own palms, gripping that warmth, as if to grab that comfort and pull himself out of this state of disarray.
Sangwon gripped those palms as if they were his only anchor when everything felt unfamiliar; it felt as if this particular warmth had given him direction multiple times before, his own body feeling well accustomed to the feeling, but how?
He gets this renewed sense of purpose; he tries to sit himself up with the assistance of those hands.
Sangwon grips with all his might, but it seems as if it's not enough; he feels his shoulders slouching in pain, making it difficult to sit up straight, but then he feels strong arms grip his pained limbs and gently pull him so he could sit upright.
These strong arms are gripping me as if I’m some sort of porcelain doll
So… Gentle…
Sitting upright, Sangwon’s line of sight settles on the flower pot in the corner of the room, the stark white walls making the lilies in the vase more vibrant. He then spots the heart rate monitor on the left side of the bed and the IV drip connected to his left hand, the needle piercing his skin.
This is a hospital…
Sangwon had always been deathly afraid of needles; anything that could potentially prickle his skin was always handled with immense carefulness. All this strict alertness so that nothing triggers the Pandora's box of memories.
Memories of those glass bottles rolling on the floor of their living room, that permanent stench of cigarettes practically etched in the walls of that filthy house he would never call home. The feel of those broken shards against his skin and blood oozing out of his arms marring the surface—
Stop thinking about it, Sangwon; You are out of there, remember? You are safe now…
Dark thoughts creep up in his mind, sending a sharp sting of pain through his brain. “Why am I here?” His hands shoot up to soothe the pain in his head; it feels like it might burst any moment now.
This is a hospital; there’s an IV drip connected to his hands, his head is bandaged, and he can’t move a single part of his body, can’t even remember how he got himself in this position.
Sangwon’s eyes, which had been frantically searching for answers, finally settled on the person sitting to his right.
“Awonie…” The stranger mutters, frantically blinking and staring at Sangwon as if he can’t believe Sangwon is actually sitting in front of him. His hands gripping Sangwon's to make sure he’s real.
“How are you feeling right now?” The unfamiliar person asks, voice dripping with care and concern. The person reaches forward to pull Sangwon into an embrace.
Instinctively, Sangwon pulls back; he was never too comfortable with people touching him, so that reaction came as second nature to him.
But wait—
This person was not a stranger.
His hazy mind now cleared of its looming clouds, finally recognised the person who was the sheer source of his strength after gaining consciousness.
How did he not recognise him before? He had seen this face countless times throughout the past two years,
On the basketball fields from across the bleachers,
On the stage rapping and being his captivating self,
In the hallways being praised by professors,
In the cafeteria being the star every other student wanted to get closer to,
But perhaps that is why he didn’t recognise him at first, because that’s always been how he saw Lee Leo, from a distance. Shining like the bright sun he was, making every entity around him want to orbit in his axis.
The thing about the sun, however, is if you stare too long, it stings your eyes, and god forbid you try to get remotely close to it, it burns you. And Sangwon knew that, understood that, painfully so; he knew better than to harm himself and knew how to protect himself.
So just why is the SUN here looking at me like I’m the centre of his universe?
Holding my hands like he never wants to let go.
Looking dejected because I didn’t return his embrace?
“Leo Sunbae?” Sangwon questioned, his own voice feeling like it had been run through gravel; he couldn't help the confusion washing over his features.
“What are you doing here, sunbae?” He questioned to finally reach a conclusion, but it seemed as if his question poured a cold bucket of water on Leo, based on his reaction.
Cold dread washed over Leo’s striking features, which were not dimmed regardless of how tired he looked.
“Sunbae? Why are you not calling me hyung, love? And of course I will be here; if not me, who vouched to protect you always, then who?” Leo says, his eyes turning glassy and growing confused, palms gripping the bedsheets to steady himself.
“Of course I will call you Sunbae! Because you are my sunbae at university, what’s more weird is you calling me LOVE; where did that come from?!” Sangwon raises his voice an octave, confusion growing louder in his bones.
“ I’m your boyfriend, lo- Sangwon, it comes as second nature to me to call the closest person to me with endearments. I wasn’t just your senior at university; we have been dating for five years.. We’re past the Sunbae stage.” Leo looks up at Sangwon with hopeful eyes.
“BOY WHAT? 5 years?? What nonsense are you talking about?? I don't even know OF you for 5 years. I know I seem gullible, but please don’t joke with me!” Sangwon's head feels like it's spinning and might crack at any second. He clutches his head and cowers in pain, trying to make himself look smaller.
He sees Leo’s eyes turning fully red and fighting tears, and his hands gripping the bedsheets, trembling with helplessness, signifying his need to hold Sangwon to soothe him but not acting upon it due to Sangwon flinching away earlier.
Sangwon can’t understand the words that came out of Leo’s mouth at all. How is it possible that he has a boyfriend? That too, the most sought-after guy in his university.
This must be some elaborate prank, right?
Let's fool the quiet theater kid
Yes, that’s all this is
Right?
Blaming it all on an extended prank would have been easier; it would make turning a blind eye to the person sitting in front of him looking like his world was ending easier… Because how else was he supposed to make sense of this?
Of the feeling of his heart clenching because the person in front of him seems to be having an inner turmoil of his own and desperately keeping himself together.
Love? Five years of relationship? It all sounds straight out of a fairytale Sangwon never remembers experiencing.
How was anyone other than his sister ever capable of loving him? That too for half a decade? That sounds like everything Sangwon has ever yearned for in the deepest corner of his heart but has been deprived of.
Was Leo truly telling the truth?
If he was, then why,
Why?
Why can’t I just remember any of it?
Pressuring his still-recovering mind to remember so much made a jolt of electricity pass through his brain, and he let out a guttural scream in agony, his eyes filling with pained tears since the first time he woke up.
Leo, instantly alarmed, scrambles to his feet and reaches for Sangwon, cradling him, running his trembling right hand through Sangwon's head in a soothing motion, his left pressing the call bell on the side to summon the doctors.
“Shh, aegiya, It’s okay…You’re okay… You don’t have to pressure yourself for anything.” Leo mutters in Sangwon’s ear in the gentlest voice he could muster in his grueling state.
“But I— I can’t remember anything! Why am I in a hospital? Why are you the one here? You said five years… How is that possible!” His breathing gets heavier; his words come out in choked sobs, hinting at a borderline panic attack.
Leo’s whole body freezes up as he realizes what state Sangwon truly is in right now, but his first course of action was to calm Sangwon down.
He brings both of his palms to the sides of Sangwon's face and holds them with a feather-light touch, using his thumbs to wipe away Sangwon's tears.
He tilts Sangwon’s face up to meet his eyes with nothing but care in his touch, as if he’s handling the most fragile but precious jewel in the world. Sangwon’s focus shifts from the immense pain and redirects itself to the tender touch holding his face.
“That’s it, you don’t have to force yourself to remember; all that can come later. All you have to do right now is just breathe for me, okay?” Comforts Leo, his voice as calm as a still lake, as if a single misspoken word would break Sangwon further.
“The time passed, the reasoning, and why I’m here- it all doesn’t matter right now; all that matters is you are safe right now. So let’s not think anything anymore; focus on my voice aeg– Sangwon,” Leo continues, and Sangwon finally calms down, closing his eyes and focusing on his breaths just like Leo told him to. His voice quiets down the storm in Sangwon’s mind with just his words.
The voice that calmed me down seemed to have done so multiple times before,
yet—
The recollection of it is in a vault locked with a key inside the depths of my mind.
Just then, before Sangwon could ponder further, people burst inside the room. Three people, to be exact.
One person bolts through the door and frantically reaches out towards the bed. Leo and Sangwon both turn towards the people at the same time, and recognition dawns upon both of them.
The woman who ran towards Sangwon’s bed now stood in front of Sangwon, her eyes turning teary, but instead of instantly going for an embrace, she waited for Leo to take a step back and for the exact moment she could see it in Sangwon’s eyes that he knew exactly who she was.
This time, Sangwon himself lunged forward and hugged the woman with all the strength he had in his recovering body.
“Noona,” He mutters in relief, his face burning in her embrace.
“I’m right here, baby. Noona is right here. I’m so glad you are okay now. Are you feeling any sort of pain? Anywhere in your body?” She runs his hand through his hair in a soothing motion.
“I feel okay now, Noona, except for the sharp pain in my head,” Reassures Sangwon.
“The doctor is here, so I’m sure the pain will get better soon, but God, you scared all of us, you know? Especially Leo, I thought your little rapper here might end up in the hospital right beside you,” Hana says, her voice lightens in relief for both of them.
This caused Sangwon’s eyes to drift towards Leo, who was standing a step away as if not to overwhelm Sangwon, but his gaze stayed unmoving on Sangwon, Half looking out for any discomfort in Sangwon and half making sure he was really awake.
“About that Noona… How did I end up in the hospital? And how exactly did Leo sunbae become the one helping me?” Sangwon asks Hana with hopeful eyes, feeling like he might finally get the answers from the one person he truly trusted right now.
He omitted asking about the five years and the relationship thing Leo said, because that just didn't make sense.
His questions made Hana freeze for a moment before asking Sangwon, “You don’t remember, baby? Also, why are you calling Leo as Sunbae? He’s your boyf–”
“Please don’t say boyfriend or something equally as ridiculous! I beg you.. Just tell me I got hit by a car as I was going to the dorms and Leo Sunbae saved me and brought me here, because the words like boyfriend and five years are making me lose my goddamn mind.” Sangwon turned his head away and looked down at his trembling fingers, and went still without looking at anyone.
Please just tell me something within my reality; don’t snatch it away from me…
Just as Hana was about to comfort Sangwon, Dr.Park stepped in. “I figured this might be the cause after he regains consciousness; step back a little. Let me check him,” he instructed both Hana and Leo to step out of the room so that he could examine Sangwon.
Leo looked reluctant to step out, not because he didn’t trust Dr. Park. No, that was not the case; it was because he didn’t want to let Sangwon out of his sight, but Dr.Park remained stern and reassured Leo with his words, “Trust me on this, young man,” and Leo took slow steps out of the room but not before turning his head back to look at Sangwon after every few steps.
As the room was emptied of their presence, Dr.Park finally got to doing his job.
“Hello, Sangwon. Can you hear me?” Dr.Park asked, taking slow steps towards Sangwon.
Sangwon looked up and registered the presence of Dr. Park, who was walking towards him with small strides.
He also noticed the room was fully empty…
Hana and Leo sunbae left the room, it seems
“Yes… I can,” Sangwon mutters, looking up to face the person in front of him.
“Good. Don’t strain your muscles too much; you have been unconscious for several days,” He says and reaches for Sangwon to check his pulse and examine him.
“ Now it would be great if you cooperated fully so we can find out what is happening with you, okay?”
“Okay,” Sangwon exhaled and steadied himself.
“Could you please tell me your name?” He asked, pushing his glasses up.
“Lee Sangwon”
“Do you know the place you are in right now?”
“A hospital, as much as I can presume.” He looked around, taking in the sterile walls, the smell of antiseptic, and the painfully plain couch.
“Do you know what day it is?”
That puts Sangwon in thought.
“I don't remember; all I remember is Mr. Thompson's lecture and me possibly walking home to my dorms from class.” He explained as much as he had in his memory.
His response seemed to have put Mr.Park deep in thought.
“Do you remember how you ended up here?” He questioned, but seemed to know the answer already.
“I- I really don’t know,” Sangwon replied, with a hint of frustration in his voice.
“That’s completely okay; you don't have to force yourself. Let’s ask something lighter.” Dr.Park reassures with a gentle smile.
He then goes on to ask Sangwon more about his friends from university, about the lectures he remembers attending.
But the question that startled him the most was, “ Do you remember the man holding you, and sitting beside you when you woke up?”
Because what was he supposed to answer, really,
I remember him, recognise him, but not in the way Leo does, and I don’t know what’s worse: not recognising him at all or knowing of him but not knowing what caused that much affection to be woven into his gaze for me.
Realising there is no point in hiding, he tells Dr. Park everything he has been feeling, every confusion, every uncertainty since he woke up. He listened to all of Sangwon’s words with deep patience, which made Sangwon get more comfortable with him.
He then checked Sangwon’s pupils and the joints in his arms and legs to make sure Sangwon was physically fine.
After examining, Dr.Park sat on the chair by his bedside and started explaining calmly,
"Sangwon, you had a grave head injury. You've been unconscious for approximately three days. Even though you are awake now, you're still recovering."
Head injury. That explained the pain, but what about his memories missing like puzzle pieces he is unable to piece together?
“What about my memories, doctor? Are they really missing?” Sangwon asks with a slight tremor in his voice, as if proven true, it will shatter something in him.
"Unfortunately, you are suffering from traumatic brain injury. Which makes it difficult to recall parts of your past. Currently, we don't know yet how much of your memory will return or how quickly." He explains calmly, constantly checking Sangwon’s response to his words.
“Most importantly, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You don’t have to force the memories back. It will cause you stress, and we can’t have that right now. We will monitor you constantly and guide you throughout.” He gently places a hand on Sangwon’s shoulder as reassurance.
“How many years do you think I have lost till now?” Sangwon asked, sounding defeated, accepting his fate.
“Based on how much I can examine, it seems to be five years approximately,” Dr.Park said with a sigh, knowing the extent of the impact it would have on Sangwon.
Five years
I lost five years of my bleak life.
What is this cruel turn of fate?
Do I even deserve to complain anymore?