Chapter Text
It was time to go home.
The worst of my injuries had healed to the point my care team no longer saw it necessary to remain on the Hail Mary. My burns had scarred over enough that I no longer constituted a giant infection risk either. Everything else would come in time.
The period I'd spent healing in a coma meant I would need some physical therapy to undue my loss of muscle but...this was nothing compared to what I'd been when I first stepped foot on Erid. I'd bounce back in no time.
No, there was nothing else I needed the Hail Mary airlock for. Time to return to my Dome.
This was a good thing. A very very very VERY good thing.
...and maybe if I kept saying that to myself it would convince that lizard part of my brain that it was NOT a death trap.
I was...tired of being afraid of things I should have no reason to the second I get displaced from it. Live in my Dome? Become scared of the Hail Mary. Live in the Hail Mary? Become scared of the Dome. Live on Earth? Become terrified to leave it. Live on Erid? Become terrified of Earth.
Rocky's right. Human brains suck.
I had been reassured that the Dome was safe now. They had spent the time I'd been healing inspecting it up and down for any damage or weakness. If the paneling or welds had even the slightest abnormality it was replaced. They'd taken the whole thing apart and had it cleansed and sanitized and put back in exactly as I'd left it. They'd even added a secondary layer of Xenonite glass to the classroom barrier, an oversite the architectural teams apologized profusely for. It was a safety redundancy it always should have had given it was meant to house Pebbles who were not particularly well known for their emotional or physical coordination.
From now on intense structural inspections would be happening on a regular schedule.
This would never happen again, they assured me.
I really had no option but to trust them.
It's just unfortunate that...that really is part of the problem. For all that Erid loves me and doesn't hesitate to shower me in that love as often as they can...it doesn't change the fact I am completely 100% at the mercy of that love. If one day they suddenly decided to let me die...I would be powerless to stop it from happening.
That kind of thing likes to sit in the back of your mind and no matter how much you keep it suppressed...it'll always poke you when you're at your most vulnerable.
I hate it.
I love Rocky and Adrian. I love Erid. I love the Eridians and the home they have built for me. I refuse to let my brain try and make a liar out of me because of things that can't be avoided.
I know my care team must think humans are all just anxious lumps of flesh for all they have to deal with my...issues and how often they have to remind me that I earned this. That they were not going to change their minds about the alien who saved their world.
I DID that.
How I got on the ship doesn't matter. That I didn't want to go doesn't matter. I CHOSE to give up Earth to save a planet I knew nothing about. Every Eridian on this planet owes me their lives and their futures. It should make me feel better to know that, right?
It doesn't.
Sometimes it makes it worse. Sometimes I sit in the silence of my house when I'm alone and think about how this all just makes me a tyrant. If I want anything at all...I just need to ask. They won't hesitate.
But heroes shouldn't want...heroes should be selfless. Heroes should bask in the light of their accomplishment and be satisfied with that alone.
Conclusion? I'm not a hero...I'm just a needy self indulgent high maintenance leaky space blob that somehow managed to trick a couple aliens into thinking he's worth loving, because they just don't know any better. When they finally figure it out...all that love will turn to resentment. Like it always does.
Maybe this is why heroes usually die at the end of their stories...
God, WHY am I like this?!
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I was in an emotional slump. It was pretty obvious to everyone...but...why shouldn't I be?
My classes had been canceled until further notice. I was neither physically nor emotionally stable enough to deal with that just yet. I hated it, even if it was true. No one was mad at me. I was reassured of that repeatedly. They would wait until I was ready, no problem.
Unfortunately this just meant I was stuck sitting at home...stewing.
Classes could at least give me something to distract myself. Instead I was just here with my own spiraling thoughts and sparkly brand new health care routines. Ointment for my burn scars to try and reduce the severity. Bandages and a sling for my right arm. Carefully restricted painkillers.
It was better to keep the shortened limb strapped close to my body and immobilized while it continued to heal otherwise I kept trying to use it which...was...more than a little distressing every time it happened. There was also lingering nerve pain in my upper arm, sharp twinges and stabs that made the healing muscles twitch painfully. Luckily I was spared the discomforts of phantom limb pain I'd read about though. Apparently induced comas were used in actual amputation therapies as it allowed the brain to reset it's memory of your body map and pain signals. It wasn't constantly trying to find the missing pieces.
Unintended blessing or not, I'll take it.
When Adrian and Rocky came to visit I could at least pretend things were normal. Smile. Joke. Argue with Rocky about the details of my prosthetic. He'd...gotten more than a little overly excited about the entire concept of creating mechanical replacements for...pretty much any part of the human body he could think of. No, I did not need a flamethrower attached to my arm. No, we were not even going to discuss the concept of replacing any other parts of me right now.
Then they had to leave...and...the emptiness of the Dome became...a lot. It had always been hard but...right now it felt worse. A decade of adjustment thrown out the window.
I was watching the sunset on the beach when I heard the foot steps approaching me. No one was expected for a few hours to watch me sleep so it actually made me jump as I turned to acknowledge them. Adrian and Rocky...coming to loaf on the sand next to me.
I frowned at the fake simulated horizon, "...is the time off?"
~No. Time is as intended. We are early.~ Adrian reassured me, running a claw over my back in greeting before settling.
"Oh." I said and thought of saying more but...I honestly couldn't think of anything so I just went back to staring at the light...the light I knew they couldn't even see. I turned my head towards Rocky on the other side of me and he was being unusually quiet. Claws fiddling with each other uncertainly.
I turned back to looking ahead of me and my shoulders slumped, "...ok...is this some kind of intervention?"
Rocky hummed, ~No understand.~
"You know what intervention means, Rocky."
~Know word meaning...no understand context meaning.~
I sighed, "An intervention...is...when a group of people get concerned about something someone is doing so they force a meeting to try and stop it."
They both hummed this time.
~Intervention. Yes.~ Adrian confirmed.
"Great. Ok. So...what's this about then?" I asked trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of my voice.
Rocky went back to fiddling with his claws and the sand under his claws. Seemed like he was leaving this up to Adrian to address...whatever it was.
~Is Grace...lonely? Question?~ Adrian asked, their voice soft.
I blinked and sat up straighter. I don't know why but that was unexpected, "What? Where did this come from?"
~New morale team spend long time studying on human thinking machine. Teach us that...perspective matters. Care team focused on physical health...make sure food is safe and enough. Ensure water is purified and not too hot. Air is right mix. Focus on being alive. Tinsel look at Dome and ask...where are toys? Where is recreation? Where is cluster? When Adrian and Rocky leave for day...what Grace do?~
"I have my classes and papers to write." I protested.
Rocky made that snorting sound again, ~Grace mistake work for recreation. Not healthy.~
Adrian bobbed their carapace in agreement, ~Care team assume humans more solitary because of Grace...but Grace only solitary because has no choice. Human thinking machine say humans social animals. Evolved to live in family groups. Repeat question, is Grace lonely?~
I just stared at Adrian for a long moment. I...didn't know what to say. Was I lonely? Of course I was...but...I'd been lonely long before I'd ended up on an alien planet where I was literally the only member of my species. It was all just...normal to me. If anything...life on Erid is the least lonely I've ever been.
"I...I don't know. You guys visit me plenty...really."
Rocky wasn't having my shit. He stomped a foot, ~Grace. Speak what want. Demand.~
I flinched, "I...I don't know, Rocky. That's the truth. Really. I don't...I've never...I've never had anyone."
~No cluster, question? No one on Earth to miss Grace?~ Adrian asked, concern coloring their tones.
I shook my head, "Not that I can remember. I had a friend, I think? Her name was Marissa..but I have only one memory of her. What does it say about us that no other memories have bothered to surface? How close were we really?" I shook my head, "My parents died when I was young...and they had no family to take me in...or at least no one who wanted me. When no one wants you...you end up in The System. You basically belong to the government where you live until you're an adult. So, I spent my entire youth passed around from one temporary family to another...until I was too old to give them government support and then...I was on my own."
"That's how I ended up in this mess, you know...cause I had no one. When you have no one...you disappear, because there's no one to stop it. No one to look for you if you go missing. I didn't even have a pet!" I'd taught them before about the very human habit of befriending anything that won't eat us first...and even some that definitely will if given the chance. Most of Erid's animals were found in the upper atmosphere...or in the water. Neither thing was safe for Eridians to interact with so the concept of a pet was fascinating to them. Rocky actually accused me of making him my pet after I explained it but it was his usual playful prodding, no actual offense taken.
"Even my mate didn't want me...I just couldn't give her the connection she wanted the way she wanted it..."
I was starting to slump between them the more I pointed out all the very obvious aspects of my loneliness.
"I think...the Petrova Task force was the closest thing I ever had to feeling like I had family...and they sent me to my death!" I cried and the tears came whether I wanted them to or not. It was a pain that had sat in my heart like a stone...and saying it out loud brought the betrayal right back.
It took me a moment to be able to speak again as they both crooned comfortingly next to me.
"I love you both so much! I love it here, I do! I love everything about Erid! I love everyone on my care team! I...you all have done more for me than anyone ever has and I..." I stopped and shook my head, "I don't know...I guess there's still a part of me that's waiting for the other shoe to drop."
~What mean question?~ Rocky asked, but I could tell by his anxious posture as he focused on me that he likely already at least kind of got what I was saying. He'd heard my earth phrases enough to piece it together.
"That everything feels too perfect. Too good. I guess...what I mean is...part of me is expecting you to betray me." I grimaced as I said it because I knew how horrible it sounded. How could I not trust them after all this time? I'm such a piece of-
~Erid never betray Savior-Grace!! Is Savior! Is Erid-plural best friend!~ Rocky exclaimed.
I laughed but the tears were still coming, "You can't know that, Rocky. You can't know every Eridian's opinion of me..."
~DO know.~ Rocky insisted but I just shook my head again.
"Everyone will figure it out eventually."
~Figure out what question?!~
"What everyone always figures out...that I'm not worth it. I'm not the Savior everyone thinks I am...I'm just a tool you use and get tired of...that I-" my own emotions cut my words off this time.
Adrian shifted next to me. It was unusual for them to be uncertain as they were now.
~Grace...does...does Grace want...mate?~
The question was so unexpected that it pulled me out of my own misery like a firecracker had gone off. The emotional whiplash caused my mind to blank for a second.
"I...what? How would I even...I mean...what??"
~Know no humans, statement. Eridian mate? Question?~
I just blinked at them in shocked silence for a long moment before I responded, "...why would you ask me that?"
~Eridians mate for life...if Grace have Eridian mate...Grace know no betrayal coming. Mate keep Grace safe and happy. Live closer to dome. Maybe live in Dome with Grace. Grace lonely no more.~
Even as Adrian spoke I could feel Rocky's fidgeting next to me becoming more animated. He was trying to focus on the sand and distract himself, I could tell. I could practically feel him vibrating with his restrained need to speak...but not wanting to interrupt.
I blinked stupidly as I tried to process this, "How would...I...I'm an alien. Who would even..."
Adrian gave a tiny trilling laugh, ~Some Eridians have interest in aliens...even before aliens real, statement. Care team hide away gifts from...interested parties sent to dome. Not want to offend Grace with perverted Eridian interests.~
My eyebrows went up and I couldn't help but start laughing even as I was still wiping away tears, "Oh my god..."
~What so funny, question?~ Adrian asked.
"Oh nothing...it just...always tickles me how we can be so different and yet, somehow so similar as well."
~There humans on Earth who have interest in aliens same way?~
I nodded, "Oh yeah. We even have a name for it...a couple actually. Xenophilia, or Teratophilia. Basically...an attraction to sentient but nonhuman entities."
~How Grace know of this, question?~ Of course Rocky had to be the one to ask that.
I cleared my throat and shook my head, "No reason." I maybe said that a little too fast by the way he crooned in response, suggesting he was definitely getting what I wasn't putting down more than I'd like.
I smiled and then sighed heavily. The deep pit of despair I'd been tumbling into had passed with this insane change of topic but I could still feel that familiar weight on my heart that said it wasn't gone completely.
~Grace still not answer question.~ Adrian pointed out.
"Huh?"
~Does Grace want mate?~ They asked, this time with a thump of their foot as emphasis.
"I...I really don't think I'm mate material, sorry. I appreciate the thought but-"
~Why? Why Grace think cannot be mates? Grace is smart, brave, kind-~ Rocky asked.
"Ok, listen." It was my turn to interrupt, "You know about human genders and sexuality. I've explained this before."
~Yes, yes! This why mate be good for Grace too! Is healthy for humans have partner!~ Adrian pointed out.
"Yeah, about that. I know you guys know it's actually super complex and confusing compared to you guys."
~Yes, yes, very, but interesting too!~ Adrian added. They were maybe a little too excited about this conversation but I wasn't sure I minded.
~Human sex drive seem very...a lot. Too much.~ Rocky added in.
I couldn't help the snort, "Yeah...so...some humans, very rarely, don't actually have one."
They both gave surprised chirps.
~What? Why, question?~ Adrian asked.
I shrugged, "We don't really know. It just...happens. There's been some theories about it. Some people think it's an evolutionary response to population growth. Some think it's trauma related...and...other particularly large wastes of carbon...think it's a physical illness that should be fixed through enforced medical intervention." That last part I growled out before clearing my throat and waving it off.
"Anyway...that's what I am. It's why my last mate...didn't work out. She wanted things I...didn't want to do. I tried...I just...I just don't enjoy it. She got tired of always having to ask me. Got tired of my excuses. She said it must mean I didn't actually love her. So...she found someone who could instead."
There was a long pause as they digested this new information.
~Grace...not want mate? Or...not want sex, question?~ Adrian sounded confused.
"On Earth that's kind of one and the same."
~Is not on Erid, statement.~
"Wait...what? It's not?"
~Mateship on Erid not require procreation activities to be mates. Only need for having mate is for mate to want be mate.~
"So...you really think...I could have a mate here?"
They nodded their carapace, ~MM! Yes! Will have to explain needs to potential suitors...some disappointed maybe.~
I groaned at that thought, "God..."
~Will setup meetings-~ Adrian started and...oh my god were we really thinking about this? What even was my life anymore...
~NO!~ Rocky practically exploded with his restrained energy, popping up onto his feet next to me like an excited pebble. The sand exploded around us with the suddenness of the movement.
"Rocky?"
~No need meetings! No need suitors!~ He continued.
Oh...was this it? Did I finally do it? Did I finally find something they wouldn't actually do for me? Why bring it up at all then...was this a trick?? Was that why he'd been like that? Was he that angry??
"...oh...uh...it's ok I d-don't really-"
~Grace no need! Be Rocky mate!~
My jaw dropped and my spiraling came to an abrupt halt, "...Rocky?"
~Yes, yes, yes! Grace be Rocky mate instead! No need other suitors! Suitor right here!~
I stared at him as he leaned towards me eagerly and I glanced over at Adrian, "But...you and Adrian..."
~Yes! Be Rocky Adrian mate!~
"Is that...is that ok?" I asked Adrian.
Adrian had pulled in their legs and was fiddling with the sand looking about as bashful as a miniature mountain rock alien could, ~Did not want Grace to feel...pressured. Can choose another. Will understand.~
"What? No no! I...oh gosh...guys..." I was crying again but it felt happy this time. I couldn't help myself and jumped up to wrap my one good arm around Adrian in a hug.
They gave a happy chirrup and wrapped their legs around me in turn.
Rocky made a squealing sound and rushed around me to push his way between us. I laughed through my tears as I moved to let him into the hug as well, though my one arm really couldn't reach that far. We sat that way for a long time. The simulated sun somehow hadn't set yet...even though I'm sure it should have by now.
~Is yes answer, question??~ Rocky asked, legs wrapping around my waist so they wouldn't get tangled up with Adrians.
I nodded before I could finally get words out, "Yes! Yes, please!" I tried to get the tears to stop but they refused to. They simply continued to hold me, eventually shifting me back into the middle to be more comfortable.
My tears eventually stopped and we settled into a somewhat uncomfortable pile as the sunset resumed it's descent and the darkness fell around us. The projection of Erid's stars began to glow against the domes ceiling.
"I don't ever want to leave you...please don't ever let me go..." I said, breaking the silence.
~Yes, you stay with us. Not allowed to leave!~ Rocky said, pressing marginally closer.
In any other context that might sound threatening...but not to me. A smile grew on my face.
"I won't...I'll stay as long as I'm able."
There was always that looming darkness of my dramatically shorter lifespan...but I didn't need to think about that right now. I knew they already knew...but they were willing to love me anyway.
However long we could get...we'd take it.