Chapter Text
The beach towel went out like the bascule of a guillotine. The basket itself was partially emptied — its innards spread out in forms of tins of cookies and plastic wrapped sandwiches devoid of blood — and the plastic finish glinted like a blade, waiting to be dropped upon her neck. Lastly, she plopped on the coarse red and yellow fabric herself. She was her own jury, judge and executioner today. Her gloved hand cradled the release handle like a wounded phoenix. Although it would meet its untimely demise today, careful study told her it would be reborn stronger than ever.
Just after a little time apart.
Things would never be the same after today. It would be weeks of awkward glances, sidling around rooms full of elephants and squirming, writhing feelings in their guts. Walking through smoke filled craters to pick up the pieces of a life just put together.
Suffice to say, she held the reigns today. At her behest, the blade would drop and kill her only chance at love. A just death, as it was the right thing to do.
First things first... her last meal.
Pomni bit into one of the unwrapped sandwiches. "Y'know," she mumbled after swallowing. "This bland slop is really growing on me. Caine's food kind of reminds of these TV dinners I used to eat. Stouffer's, I think..." The food back home was better, but it was pretty hard to beat the convenience of screaming a request into a fridge and getting it a nanosecond later.
Ragatha nibbled on a cookie and paused briefly to wipe away the crumbs that had settled into the folds of her dress. "Really? Mhm... I don't know, it's fine. I certainly appreciate it more than Bubble's cooking..." she peters off, bowing her head. "Rest in peace."
Pomni poured out the rest of her wine glass in memoriam.
She continued, setting aside her macaroon. "He would occasionally leave what he called fun little bites of entertainment in his dishes. It uncommon enough to where I would forget it was something he did. Then, one day you'd be biting into a roast turkey leg and, lo and behold, a cigarette butt would find it's way in your mouth. In between the shreds of meat."
"Hah! I really do miss that little psycho." Pomni chuckled, leaning back on her palms. The cool shade of the tree was not helping the sweat forming on her back whenever Ragatha cast that eye of hers her way. "Okay, two things. One, and I've been wondering this for awhile — ... how does something get into your mouth? Like, there's no depth to it. It's like... just a flat fabric-y thing."
Ragatha brought her hand up to her chest and gasped. "Just a flat fabric-y thing? Oh, you're one to talk, Ms. No Lips."
Pomni snorted. "Guilty as charged. I've got the mouth mailmen dream about. Perfect for slotting letters into."
The object of her affections giggled, and Pomni's belly filled with warmth. And another bite of her sandwich. "Well, rude description aside," Ragatha tittered, tilting her head. "It's... well, a bit weird. I put the food to my mouth like so," she brought half of a cookie up to her mouth between her forefinger and thumb, "Open it, and then..." It vanished, and Ragatha started chewing. "I cam fmeel it in thmere? Like I have —" She swallowed, "—cheeks and a tongue and what not... even though I don't think I really do."
Pomni leaned forward and narrowed her eyes. "...what would it look like if you spat out something half chewed?"
Ragatha blew air out of her nose and scoffed. "What am I, your science project? I am not regurgitating food for you, Pom."
That nickname again. Pom. Blam. Like a brief shot from a snub nosed pistol right into her heart, whizzing in and out leaving her with one more hole. God, she was down bad.
Pomni laughed it off like she wasn't extremely interested in seeing what her model could do. "Hah, right yeah, just joking." She muttered, leaning back. Experimentally, she pretended to wipe the crumbs off of her face to check the heat levels of her cheeks. Oh, yeah, they were glowing like embers.
The ragdoll, as soft as can be, gave her an even softer smile. "You said one, what was the other thing?"
Pomni blinked. God, it was hard to think straight with this woman in front of her. Right, she remembered now. "You said you found a cigarette butt? That's funny, I've never seen a cigarette around. Not here, nor in any adventure. What gives?" She pouted. "I'd love a pack."
Ragatha shrugs. "There's plenty of props Caine used once and then never again. I've never seen any besides the ones in my food so, must've been on an adventure before my time... figures you'd be a smoker, though."
She raises a brow. "Huh. And yeah? What's that supposed to mean?"
Ragatha gave her a charming smile. "Hate the smell, but I've always found the look rather dashing. It would've been a sort point between us if we met out there... Err, I guess if we do meet out there."
Pomn wondered if Ragatha had also been imagining scenarios where their human counterparts met, fell in love, adopted children and grew old together.
Probably not.
With shaking hands, Pomni reached for a cookie and shoved it into her mouth. "Mhmm, yeah? Hate the smell?" She asked after swallowing, giving her companion a wobbling grin.
"Yes..." Ragatha said, tilting her head as she gave her a curious expression. "Um, yes! My old boss, back when I worked real estate and when I wasn't a toy — he used to light up his office with Cuban cigars. I went through so much baking soda and vinegar getting the smell out of my blouses..."
"That's rough," Pomni mumbles. "I like the smell of cigarette smoke, but cigars? Not a fan..." she pursed her lips. "How good was business doing back then in Missouri for your boss to be chomping on Cubans?"
Ragatha gave her a conspiratorial glance and a little grin. Pomni liked when her mouth did that. It was like a little c had tumbled out of a can of alphabet soup and onto her face. "My boss knew a guy," she half whispered. "Never met him... But Frank would always have a full case of cigars every Monday."
Pomni let out a sharp bark of laughter. "S'never a good sign when someone says they just know a guy and leaves it that. Like... how many guys do they know with varying skillsets? Do they know a porno mag guy? A kill you and cover you up guy? A cheese guy?"
The other woman leaned over the basket and gave her a playful shove on the shoulder. "Oh my gosh, Pom — has anyone ever told you... that you kind of talk like you're stuck in a noir film?"
It was always the little things that really flustered Pomni, it seemed. Just Ragatha noticing something about her like that had her brain scrambling to put together a real response.
She cleared the homosexuality out of her throat. "Heh, yeah actually. Funnily enough, that's... my favorite genre of film and show. In turn, I've been told my speech pattern is a bit archaic." She trapped that last word in air quotes where it belonged. "So what if I catch Columbo reruns? Doesn't it make me cool that I have a hardboiled detective thing going on? And one more thing," she quoted to best of her abilities.
"It one hundred percent makes you cool." Ragatha breathed, and then gave her that look again. Like she was waiting for something. The release handle felt hot under her fingers. The speech she had practiced slid to the forefront of her mind like it was cutting in line. She opened her mouth to ease into it already, but Ragatha beat her to the punch.
"Yeah, I don't know if he had a cheese guy," she replied with an amused tone in her voice. "But maybe a murder guy. It was a smaller town back then..." The conversation lulled again, and then Ragatha gave her another look. A little bit different, a little more focused. "A small town indeed," she said again.
Ragatha tapped the side of her face with one finger. "Gosh, of course... because of that, the queer population was rather small, you know?"
Pomni felt a lump rise in her throat. She... was not expecting this turn in the conversation. Hell, she was half convinced this road still didn't exist and they seemed to be going above the speed limit on it. "...yeah?" She said tentatively. A little shred of hope slips into her voice before she can catch it.
Ragatha seemed to have noticed her interest, because she continued with a fervor. "Yeah. Yeah! Too small, haha. I didn't notice it much back then to be totally honest with you, Pom. My opinions on queers—" Pomni's heart sinks, weighed down by that antiquated term. It's where it belongs, she thinks. "—errr, I mean, queer people. It was, um... like, good for them! That's what I thought back then." There was a twinkle in her eye as she said that last part.
"Right—"
"—I've just been... thinking about it. Doin' a lot of thinkin', actually! Look at little Ms. Thinker over here, haha. Ever since, um..." She looked at something over Pomni's shoulder, and before she could glance behind her, Ragatha lurched forward and put her hand on top of Pomni's hand. Somehow the traitorous little thing had wormed it's way half across the beach towel. In fact, she had scooted a foot closer at some point. Pomni looked up, surprise etched across her face like a stone tablet decrying how smitten she was.
"...can I tell you something?" Ragatha asked quietly, dropping the slight stutter she just had.
"Any time," Pomni replies casually, taking a nibble of her cookie with her free hand.
Ragatha rubs the back of her neck. She plays with her hair, and she bites her lip. She does all sorts of fun, cute things all to stall to getting to whatever she wanted to tell her. It was making Pomni exceptionally nervous, it had been awhile since she had seen Ragatha this unsure about something. Eventually, she speaks.
"I'm... a lesbian."
Pomni choked on her cookie.
"Pom!" Ragatha splutters and closes the distance, making Pomni choke even harder at the sudden proximity. Ragatha pounds her back a few times and, on the third hit, a half chewed globule of cream and dough splats onto the beach towel.
"Are you okay?" She asks quietly, rubbing circles into her back. Pomni wants to lean into the touch, to let Ragatha hold her... instead she does something really, really dumb.
"Look," she says in a hoarse voice, pointing at the half eaten cookie. I regurgitated my food for you."
Ragatha stops dead in her circling and lets out a quick, strangled slip of laughter, "Pomni!" She cried. "You're so... grauuuughhh." Ragatha continued, holding her free hand hand up and clenching it.
"...I'm... grauuughhhh?" she enunciated back. "That's... good— um, is this a recent realization? You being a lesbian? Er, um good for you! I'm bi myself so like, I get it. Sort of. Mostly."
Pomni suddenly became aware of how Ragatha's hand hadn't left her back. That soft mitt was pressing against the small of it, and when she looked over, her eye shone. "Really?" She asked. "Well that's just wonderful... and yes, this is something I've recently discovered about myself. Very recently."
Pomni says nothing, and Ragatha quietly holds the gaze. She feels like she's melting under the full force of the sun despite the shade of the tree. Her cheeks are blazing, and oh god she has to look away. Pomni glances to the side, past Ragatha and focuses on the sway of a palm tree by the lake.
It was time to drop the blade.
"One sec," Pomni held up a finger and poured herself another glass of wine. A full one. Droplets of wine spilled over the rim of the glass over her gloves, but she paid it no mind. "Pom?" She ignored Ragatha's concerned voice and tipped the whole thing back. Liquid courage sloshed down her throat and down into her belly and, while she wasn't ready, she could never be ready... she had to do this anyway.
When she tore her gaze away from the tree, Ragatha was looking at her with a soft eye full of concern. Care, too. Every soft and good emotion shone on that plastic eye of hers — it was incredible how human it felt, how she could see what she was feeling.
"Ragatha. I have something I need to tell you," she started, putting another foot of space between them.
Oddly enough, Ragatha simply smiled. "Do you now?"
Pomni nearly falters. "Yeah, I—"
Ragatha holds up her hand and Pomni falls silent. "I hate to do this, but... I also have something to tell you... umm, ask you, I guess."
She's playing with her hair as she talks, letting a strand of yarn spin about a finger. There's a dusting of soft pink where her cheeks should be, and her smile is doing that thing Pomni loves so much. A little squiggle, like her lips were doing a bit of a dance on her face. It was... probably very similar to the expression Pomni had to be wearing. What on earth could Ragatha possibly want to tell her that is so important—
Two yellow lights peering out of whipped up snow in the dead of night, the rumbling of the ground as she stands with one foot on each rail. Heralded by the blowing of the machine's horns, loud enough to blow her hair back. Then it hits her. Hard and fast and there's nothing left of her except a question hanging in the air.
How could I not have seen this coming?
Ragatha feels the same. That's why she had been seeking her out these past two weeks. That's why she had been giving all this attention. That's why she was laughing at her frankly asinine jokes. Jury was out if she was as smitten as Pomni was, but the mitten absolutely fit. A slim possibility was now the soft, warm truth and it bore down on her like weight of a blanket freshly pulled from the dryer. It was comforting, it was exciting, it was...
Terrifying.
Pomni's mouth went dry as she realized Ragatha had still been talking. She had been talking this whole time.
"So... basically, I just wanted to ask if—"
Pomni tensed her neck for the drop.
"—I have romantic feelings for you!" she blurted out. "—So we should spend some time apart!"
—you wanted to go out with... me..."
In the seconds after, while they were staring blankly at each other, accompanied by the dull whistle of wind, two things happened.
Ragatha's grin slowly shrunk into a frown.
And Pomni felt she was going to throw up everywhere.
"I'm... sorry?" Ragatha asked with a nervous chuckle. "I don't understand."
Pomni would make her understand.
"I..." She trailed off, and that speech she had practiced all night was nowhere to be found. She rooted through papers, upended desks, kicked down filing cabinets but all she could find was a few shredded pieces of paper with chicken scratch on them. How was she expected to levy out the pros and far weighty cons of getting into a relationship when she didn't have her graphs?
"S'just a bad idea." She settled on lamely.
Ragatha's raised brows slowly descended. "Is it?"
Pomni licked her lips and tried to put together key points. She owed Ragatha that much. "Well, I-I do like you a lot, it's just... there's just so, so many ways it could go wrong. What if we're incompatible past the infatuation phase, and we grow distant and begin to resent each other? Or, what if one us abstracts before the other, like — look what happened to Kinger! That could be one us; I don't want that for you! And it would be fine I think If I wasn't such a fucking mess but I have a very good feeling I'll somehow drag you down into oblivion with me... I just think it would be wiser if we spent some time apart—"
Ragatha winced, but Pomni pressed on.
"—So these feelings can fade! And we can go back to normal! Because I love being friends with you and I just don't want to ruin that!"
Ragatha had been silent throughout her speech, but her expressions gave her feelings away. By the end of it, she was giving Pomni a hard stare. It made Pomni's stomach curl up like a pill bug.
"...what if I don't want that, Pomni?"
"Well, you'd be wrong." As soon as the words left her lips, Pomni knew she had said what was probably the absolute worst thing. Ragatha's look went from hard to corrosive, and Pomni want to both punch herself in the mouth and curl up alongside her stomach. She instead settled on staring at Ragatha with a slack jaw and a dumb face.
"And why is that?"
Pomni swallows nothing but air and guilt. "It, uh... sounds nice, sure. But, it's... risky."
Something about what she just said finally makes Ragatha smile, but it isn't the kind that melts away the snow and brings warmth. This one is even colder than the snow topped trees it hangs above. "Risky," she echoes in disbelief. "Oh so now you're suddenly risk adverse when it comes to me? But would nearly get yourself killed over him?"
She felt like she was drowning in quicksand. Pomni put her hands up, "No, no! No it's not like that—"
"Do you even really like me?! Or... or is this some... some horrid way to tell me you aren't interested in me? I'm a grown woman, Pomni! I can take it!" She sniffed and clutched the beach towel's fabric.
She shook her head. "I do like you! I really, really do that's— that's why I don't want to date you!" Ragatha was shaking. "I-I mean, what if—"
"What if!" Ragatha throws her hands up and cuts her off. "What if an opossum trips over the plug to this personal computer! What if a bolt of lightning crashes down on the building! What if, god forbid, a meteor hits the damn planet?! Have you ever thought about that?"
"...yes," Pomni says weakly. Those scenarios had played out in her mind's eye nonstop for the first week.
"Then—" Ragatha threw her hands up again. "Then why play it safe now when anything could happen at any time!" She leans forward, grabbing Pomni by the shoulders. "Pomni, listen to me. We finally have real, genuine freedom here. I haven't had that my entire life. If... If it wasn't being stuck under my mother's thumb, it was being stuck under my own thumb while I repressed my sexuality. Then after that I got stuck here — forced to go on Caine's horrible adventures and being trapped with people who never really seemed to care about me."
She paused briefly to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "But now, somehow... this is the best my life's ever been. Stuck in a digital purgatory with you as company. I want to spend it with you, as more than just friends... how can you possibly want to play it safe now after you nearly killed yourself for Jax?"
She paused, letting go of Pomni as she bit her lip. "...what did he have that I don't? Tell me. You owe me that."
A fine question. One Pomni had been struggling to answer for the past two or so weeks. There was no better time then now to piece it together.
She didn't like Jax. Full stop. Pretty much right after she gotten her bearings here, she had clocked Jax for what he was. A very sick man who took his pain out on others. At the time, Pomni didn't have a goddamned clue on what that pain was and honestly she wouldn't have guessed in a 100 years. Yet, despite that, she still reached out to him. No one else would. It was obvious that no one really liked him — Zooble hated his guts. Gangle was terrified of him. Ragatha only ever wanted to keep the peace and Kinger didn't know what was going on, nor did Caine. Which made sense, there was nothing really to like about him.
He wasn't even funny. He was, at most, an okay hang when he felt like being one.
It was obvious to her that he was the biggest problem in the Circus, and also the most likely to abstract next. So, thinking logically, she came to the conclusion that she should start there with him. If she could excise the cancer poisoning the rest of the body, she could knock a whole flock of birds out with one big stone. It had eventually worked, but not in the way she wanted.
She had never felt for him beyond care, pity and sympathy. Everything that he was, everything he had been and everything he wanted to become...
It was still worth showing compassion for.
It still hadn't been enough, and he had become an even bigger danger to everyone around him when he abstracted. One last fuck you, it seemed. He was bound to smash through more of the Circus, fall out of the map or even worse, hurt someone she really cared about.
Maybe that why she throw herself at his corpse a little over two weeks ago. A Hail Mary. She hoped if she got him in a dark enough place, she could... some how communicate to him, beg for him to not hurt anyone, to please just calm down.
She had gotten to bite off more than she could chew. Everything she had seen in... whatever that place had been only served to make her pity him—... her more. She was deplorable, drove two people to abstraction and had mistreated Pomni's friends for years. But she still deserved compassion.
But Pomni honestly kind of hated her.
So why didn't she want to risk it all for Ragatha when she did for Jax?
"...she didn't have anything. You have me. No one deserves to die thinking they were alone."
Ragatha's expression softened... then hardened again. After a few seconds of silence, she broke it. "Pomni, you are... too noble. You are too willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of others. Speaking from experience, it'll only cause more heart ache in the future—" she stopped dead, and then gave her a baffled look.
"Oh my god, is that what this is about? Is this another big sacrifice? Your happiness for the sake of what you think is best for me?"
Pomni cringed. "I... well if you think logically, not getting together is the safer option—"
"Shut up already," Ragatha hissed.
Pomni mouth worked its way into a grimace. Ragatha had her hands over her mouth.
"No," She replied, standing up. "No I'm not going to shut up, Ragatha. This isn't a big sacrifice! I don't need to get into a relationship with you to be happy, and I'm perfectly fine just being friends with you!"
Ragatha shook her head as her hands left her face. "But that's not what you want, Pomni!"
"Who cares about what I want?!" Pomni yelled.
"I do!" Ragatha screamed.
"WHY?!" She shrieked.
"Because I love you." Ragatha whispered.
Pomni stared dumbly at her. At some point, she had stood up and now slowly lowered herself to the ground. It was so quiet, she could hear the water lapping upon the banks of the digital lake.
Ragatha took in a shuddering breath. "You deserve to have what you want just like everybody else, Pomni. You mention risks, safety, logical conclusions like it's all some big set of calculations — but time and time again I can tell, I know... you're not putting yourself in the equation. You matter, your wants matter. To everyone, but especially me."
She never put herself in her calculations because she wanted to smash the calculator with a hammer after looking at the projections.
"My love would ruin you," Pomni said bitterly.
Ragatha just shook her head. "I don't think so, dear." The doll leaned forward, and put her hand to the side of her face. Pomni flinched. "Love may the biggest and smallest word there is." She said softly. "It's easy to say it when you don't mean it, but... I can tell you do. If you love me then... why shouldn't we try this? I want it. We both want it."
Pomni shook her head. "You cannot possibly mean that. I suck."
The other woman blinked once. "You... do not suck, Pomni! Why do you think that?!"
"I lived a nothingburger life," Pomni muttered. "My only friends were a couple of fish in a tank. I didn't date, I didn't have friends, I didn't even go out unless it was to go urbexing. Honest to god I think... I think half the reason I did that was in hopes I'd tumble down a flight of stairs and snap my neck. Felt like a good whispered end to a mumbled life." Pomni let out a stilted laugh.
"And in here I've done nothing but mess everything up. Like a... like tossing a wrench into the works. I was here for, what a few months and I've managed to throw everything out of wack."
Ragatha shook her head. "That's a horrible way to think of yourself. You are wonderful. Pomni you are... by far the most compassionate, kind woman I've ever met—"
"—and look where that gets me—"
"—let me speak, please." Ragatha ordered. Pomni went quiet.
Ragatha inhaled and exhaled. "Pomni. You singlehandedly changed the course of this place's history, yes. You do know that's not a bad thing, right? If not for you, and your big heart — your capacity to listen and the willingness to be there for the rest of us, effectively, mind you — we might still be going on Caine's adventures, so distant and tense with each other, slowly but surely marching towards individual abstraction. You did that. You do good. I don't know how to get it through your noggin that you're a wonderful, amazing earnest woman... but, perhaps... you could trust that I know what I'm talking about?"
She gave her a little smile. "I've been around the block a bit longer than you, after all."
"...I guess I did do all of that, huh?" Pomni said quietly.
"Yes," Ragatha said softly, and a second hand joined the first in cupping her face. "You're wonderful."
Pomni swallowed thickly. "I..." Her voice was heavy with emotion. "I don't think anyone has told me that in a long time." She saw, rather than felt, the hot tear slide down her face and bead onto Ragatha's hand. It soaked into her cotton and became a small, dark spot. How long had she been hiding in a cocoon dulling her senses like this? Always moving forward, never looking back, rejecting what was within... she knew firsthand where thinking like that could get someone.
She couldn't go on like this. No more overthinking herself to oblivion. No more worrying herself to near death. No more logical conclusions without peer review.
"Do you want to hear it again?" Ragatha asked.
Pomni nodded. "Please," she whispered.
"You're marvelous, Pomni. And I won't stop telling you that till you figure it out for yourself... actually, I think I'll keep it up then, too."
She closed her eyes and let the words sink into her brain. She deserved things. She could have things. She could want... so what did she want right now, more than anything?
"Let's do it," she said as she opened her eyes.
Ragatha's inquisitive face filled her gaze, and she wouldn't have it any other way. "Do what—" she petered off and her mouth went into an o. "Date, you mean?"
"Yeah."
Ragatha smiled softly. "What about the risks?"
Pomni shrugged, "Eh, screw 'em. I've taken bigger ones for worse people and I'm sick of thinking about what ifs. I'm sick of thinking in general, lately. I just want to be." Pomni gave Ragatha a playful smile. It felt the first real one in awhile that hadn't been spurned on by Ragatha's presence. "Want to be with me?"
"Yes!" She cried, letting her hands drop to Pomni's shoulders. "Oh, you just so... cute, you know that right? Hey... I can say that now! I can gush all I wish about you to you! Oh my gosh you are adorable! You're the sweetest little thing and I want to just pinch your cheeks, cuddle you and... Pomni?"
Pomni felt she was being cooked alive. "...me? Cute? Whuhh... buh..." she spluttered. Her cheeks hurt from how hard she was smiling.
"My, you're easy to fluster, aren't you?" Ragatha mused. "Like little Jester putty in my hands... and yes, you are very cute. Not just your avatar, but you, dear."
Pomni collapsed backwards and put her hands over her face. "Stooooooop," she whined. "I'm twenty five fucking years old, you cannot be having this effect on me."
Ragatha threw herself down next her. When Pomni peeked through her gloves, she was giving her the smuggest little look. "Well, considering I'm thirty, I think I am well within my rights to tease you."
"Impeccable logic." Pomni said through gritted teeth.
"One of us has to have it!" Ragatha sang. "Gaaaaah," she squealed, biting her lip. "I can't believe this, I'm dating a woman— I'm dating you! Can we..." she petered off, letting her gaze wander past Pomni. "Cuddle? It's totally okay if not! I just haven't done that... um, ever and I've always wanted to!"
She tried to play it cool, but just the thought of Ragatha holding again made her heart skip. Pomni rolled over on her side with a wobbly smile. "Sure. Just don't be surprised when you have to scoop me up with a bucket later."
"Awwww... a little Pomni Puddle..." Ragatha said softly.
Ragatha was going to be the death of her, it felt like. That's what Pomni thought to herself as Ragatha scooted close and opened her arms. Pomni sidled in, resting her head on the older woman's chest. Two impossibly soft arms, like rolled up cashmere sweaters, wrapped around her back and pulled her tight. It was everything she had imagined, dreamed of and played back in her head. As to be expected, the real thing was always better than what was on the big screen.
"You're like a little space heater," Ragtha whispered.
"...to be fair, I do have the hots for you."
Ragatha threw her head back, laughed and pulled Pomni closer into the embrace. The air was warm, the breeze was cool and the Circus was in a new age of peace. Everyone she knew loved and respected each other, and she had a very wonderful ragdoll to spend her digital afterlife with.
Pomni supposed, as far as conclusions went, this was one was pretty awesome. Fuck logic.