Chapter Text
It was later, back home, in the quiet of dorms that never settled for too long, when Hanbin came back to Matthew. Dance practice had ended early that evening, and Hanbin had disappeared quietly and without fuss alongside Hao. they seemed to slip out together, giggling like if they were keeping a secret, as gentle and childish as stolen kisses in the laundry room.
Matthew wasn't sure how to feel about it. Obviously, he was happy for them. Happy, that after everything, they were allowed to giggle and laugh through their fairytale romance, as if they were in one of those sappy dramas Ricky watched, enraptured by fingertips touching and eyes meeting.
Matthew always thought they took too long, with no real, tangible proof of romance. Not that he was a romantic, Matthew knew he was much too rough and blunt around the edges for that. But, Korean dramas were different to western shows. Twelve episodes with not even a kiss to show for all their hard work, it felt absent. He always got frustrated. After putting all this time and effort into watching a show, and the main characters don't even kiss! Ricky would laugh, telling him that wasn't the point. Didn't his heart flutter when they made eye contact?
At that point Matthew would've left, leaving Ricky to his romance and watching something with lots of fighting and yelling instead. He wondered if that was how Hanbin felt, when Hao met his eyes briefly from across a room. If his heart fluttered.
But, he also felt bad. Hanbin and Hao still danced around each other, as if they were shy and didn't want anyone else to see what was so precious to them. Matthew realised then, that he'd never even seen them kiss.
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Matthew sat alone on the sofa, the room dark with the curtains pulled down. It was terrible for his eyes, the blue light from the television bright and almost painful, but he couldn't look away. He was nearing the final episode of his show, one Ricky recommended ages ago and Matthew promised he'd watch, knowing he never would. Well, showed what he knew, as he sunk into the pillows, fingers pulling at the threads in the blanket.
He couldn't keep still. His body twitching forwards, his mouth hanging open, reading the subtitles quietly to himself and fulfilling each role silently. The main characters reached forwards, winding their pinkies against each other's under the table, and Matthew had to stop himself from reaching with them.
"Matthew?"
He jolted out of his stupor, jumping as he scrambled for the remote to press pause, as if caught watching something he shouldn't. The door was open, warm light from the hallway carving out Hanbin's silhouette as he stood watching Matthew with an amused smile. God, he hadn't even realised Hanbin was home. "Hyung!" Matthew sighed, suddenly realising how tired he was, how late it was. "Don't scare me like that!" Hanbin laughed good-naturedly, walking in and kicking the door shut behind him with a socked foot, sliding slightly on the floor as he clambered onto the sofa.
He fell against Matthew, who moved over to let Hanbin sit, rather unceremoniously, next to him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to, but I was watching you for so long! You didn't look over even once," Matthew frowned, embarrassment crawling up his neck and making it flush red. Luckily, the blue television light hid it, avoiding the teasing he would've gotten. Usually, he wouldn't care, but he felt a bit fragile that night. "Good show?" Hanbin asked, genuinely interested, teasing voice gone as quickly as it appeared.
It wasn't like Matthew was ashamed. Ricky watched these dramas all the time and no one ever made fun of him for it. They were popular! It was normal in Korea, sappy romances were everywhere. Pop-culture defined. But for some reason, it didn't feel very fitting. It didn't feel very Matthew to be so wrapped up in gentle touches and lingering looks. His vibe was much less… committed.
"Just this show," He shrugged, clicking the remote to bring up the title. "Ricky recommended it." Hanbin smiled and pushed himself closer, tugging at the blanket wrapped so tightly around Matthew. He struggled, almost wrestling with the fabric. For a man with such incredible body control, Hanbin could be quite useless. Matthew pulled it out of his hands, away from where his legs were kicking aimlessly to get it tangled around him. It was mundane, domestic, even.
"Is it any good?" Hanbin asked
"I mean it's alright." Matthew answered, looking back to the screen as Hanbin's face twisted with skepticism. "You're forty minutes into episode eleven." "Okay yeah it's pretty good." Matthew couldn't help it as a smile tugged at his lips, giggling like a child as Hanbin poked at him.
"Have they kissed yet?""No, but they just held hands."Matthew raised an eyebrow, pointing at the screen where the character's pinky fingers were intertwined. Hanbin laughed, a loud barking thing. "It's so ridiculous," and Matthew nodded."Yeah, it is." He didn't know that Hanbin also thought it was silly. He thought it was a Korea thing. Just the way it was here, that they never even kissed. It grew quiet, while Matthew watched the paused screen and Hanbin watched Matthew, smiling falling into something more thoughtful at the silence.
"Why do you and Hao never kiss in front of us?"
Hanbin's eyebrows jumped, face stricken not at an accusation, but with surprise. Matthew frowned. Was it that strange of a question? Did Hanbin think he hadn't noticed? The other man paused, staring at Matthew for any kind of clue into what the younger boy was feeling, but Matthew didn't really know what he was feeling. It occurred to him. Did Hanbin think he'd never ask?
Hanbin spoke, after a pause. "We do." Matthew tugged at the fraying strings in the blanket, wrapping the thread around the length of his finger, once. Twice. "Not in front of me then." "No."
Matthew felt an ugly thing twist inside his stomach. He turned away from Hanbin's uncharacteristically still face, as if the muscles had frozen to stone, eyes just as hard. He settled his gaze somewhere safer. Back to the television screen. Should he press play? Forget this conversation had ever taken place? "Why?" He asked instead.
Hanbin bit his lip. Matthew could see out of the corner of his eye, but was adamant to pretend otherwise. Hanbin's anxious habit gave him visions of touching his cheek gently, soft against his face to get him to stop tearing the plush skin apart.
Oh. That was why.
He gasped, remembering to breathe again, and scolded himself afterwards. In the dark, it sounded like a quiet sob and Hanbin grimaced.
"We wanted to be considerate." He settled on eventually. It sounded kind, and Hanbin was so, so kind, but Matthew felt so ugly in that moment. As if his ribcage had been ripped open while his heart beat erratically, bleeding out around them and staining everything red.
He prayed that his voice didn't shake. "To me?"
"Yeah," Hanbin breathed out, like a confession.
The room felt a lot smaller now. Dark, quiet, and glowing from the blue TV screen, definitely damaging Matthew's eyes. He felt weak, vulnerable in ways he hadn't since Boys Planet, curled up on the hard floor of a practice room, artificial lights broadcasting his weakness to the world – shielded from the camera by Hanbin whenever he was around.
"That was kind of you," Matthew spoke, his voice quiet and soft, not really sure if it was this particular act of kindness Matthew was responding to, in the sheer magnitude of kindness that Hanbin offered him.
"I think," Matthew said, after while, "I'm gonna go to bed now." He knew that he didn't sound very convincing, but Hanbin nodded, almost solemnly. Offering him an escape even in this moment, when he was the bad guy. But, Matthew knew Hanbin didn't see it that way, otherwise he would not have been so kind. Matthew got up, unwrapping himself from the blanket.
Hanbin grabbed his hand as he walked past, an almost desperate look in his eyes, something as raw as Matthew felt. Matthew squeezed back before leaving Hanbin for the first time.
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
"Matthew?" Gunwook's voice was croaky with sleep. Matthew felt kind of bad, knocking for an embarrassingly long time at the door until Gunwook unlocked it with a yawn. He felt less bad though, when Gunwook saw his wet eyes and pulled him into the room with a large hand, wrapping together their pinky fingers as he pulled them to the bed. "Do you wanna talk about it?" His eyes were closed, lying down among soft pillows and plushies he'd kicked to the end of the bed.
Matthew smiled wetly. "Nah, thank you, though." Gunwook just groaned in response, vaguely patting the mattress next to him in some sleepy attempt to get Matthew to lie down.
"Then why are you still over there?" He whined, rolling until his face was in his pillow and voice muffled. Matthew laughed, earning himself a kick in the thigh before Gunwook reached out, grabbing his wrist and leveling him with a look that caused Matthew to pause. "Is it because of last time? You can take the bed if it makes you uncomfortable." Gunwook's face was young with sleep, soft and rosy from the heat and comfort, but stern with an anxiety that made Matthew hate himself a little bit more.
He was gentle, so gentle with him, to the point that Matthew wasn't sure he deserved all this. Gunwook panicked slightly, seeing as Matthew's face distorted into something gloomy and heartbroken. "Matthew?" He sat up panicked, and Matthew could only reach blindly into the darkness and pull his larger form close.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed, hiccuping quietly into Gunwook's shoulder, the skin dewy with sweat and now probably his tears and snot. Gunwook just gripped him tighter, rocking gently as his own hands shook with the anxiety of not knowing what was wrong, but wanting desperately to fix it. "I've been such a dick recently," Matthew whined, causing Gunwook to sharpy inhale.
"It's okay, you're allowed to be a bit of a dick," Gunwook paused, unsure if this was the correct way to be comforting Matthew, who was trembling in his arms. "Especially when you're having a hard time." He added. "I haven't exactly been the most forgiving."
Matthew just cried harder, clawing desperately at the thin black tank-top Gunwook was wearing, in an attempts to avoid running scratches down his back. "I'm sorry," he breathed, a fragile thing, but he instantly wished he could take it back. Matthew felt so guilty. He wanted to apologise to Gunwook properly, when they both knew exactly what it was he was apologising for.
"I'm sorry too," Gunwook whispered anyway, rubbing his hands down Matthew's arms soothingly until his sobs turned into hiccups and eventually softened completely. Matthew frowned. He didn't know what Gunwook was apologising for. It sounded like it was for a lot of things Matthew thought he didn't deserve apologies for – like making Gunwook feel bad for disappearing in the morning, or avoiding him when all he did was ask what was wrong. But, underneath all that, he felt an apology born of sympathy. Like he was sorry for Matthew, and that made his gut twist in much worse ways.
"You didn't do anything, it's not your fault," Matthew mumbled, face still pressed into Gunwook's shoulder, lips moving against skin made salty from his own tears. An inappropriate part of his brain encouraged him to lick. Matthew to shuddered despite the stuffiness of the room, humid with tears.
Gunwook reached a hand up, threading it into the short hairs at the back of Matthew's neck, causing the skin to prick with goosebumps. He resisted the urge to lean backwards into it. To wonder what those fingers would feel like higher, pulling tighter.
"I know," Gunwook frowned, "but it hurts to have your heart broken." Matthew jolted like he'd been stabbed. Clearly, it hurt more to be seen.
He pulled back, looking up through the darkness to meet Gunwook's eyes, which shimmered slightly with wetness. Matthew managed a fond smile, such an empath, his Gunwookie. "Does everyone know?" He dared asking, not knowing if he really wanted the answer.
"Do you really want to know?""Not really."Gunwook laughed. "Maybe don't ask then."
Matthew's smile stretched across his face. Wet with tears, but feeling all the better for it. "Whatever you think is best," he settled on, letting the tension drain from his shoulders, and melting into Gunwook, who gently pulled them until they were lying horizontal.
When Matthew woke up, sunlight cast beams across his face through the gaps in the blinds, causing him to wince and bury his nose deeper into where it was dark and warm and smelt vaguely of soap. Gunwook stretched in response, before pulling Matthew closer against him, opening an eye slightly.
"Morning," Matthew croaked, voice achy from tears. He sounded congested and ugly and probably looked a bit like a frog, but Gunwook shoved his nose into his hair anyway, and shook his head like he were nuzzling a small dog. Matthew laughed, pushing him away, but making sure he didn't go too far.
"Is this okay?" Gunwook asked. He sounded young and scared. Vulnerable in a way that he wouldn't know what to do with himself if the answer was no – wasn't sure if his heart would be able to take another blow. But, last night, Matthew learned kindness. "It's perfect, thank you." He said, tightening his grip on Gunwook's much larger fingers, as if he couldn't believe he was real and tangible. "I think I needed a bit of a hug." Gunwook made a wounded noise, before burying his nose back into Matthews hair.
They lay there, lazy for as long as they could be before Matthew's muscles started to ache and Gunwook's feet got twitchy, kicking against the blankets. Gunwook got up first, excusing himself to go and wash his face, while Matthew took the opportunity to sneak through the dorm to Taerae's room.
He was anxious, terrified at the possibility of crossing path's with Hanbin. He had no clue what he'd do, or say, and despite a lot of uncomfortable truths settling deep in his chest, he wasn't quite yet ready to face his origin. He used to say that he was nothing if not adaptable, but Matthew was starting to think maybe he didn't know himself as well as he thought he did. Wasn't that a surprise.
Luckily, it was early, and Hanbin's shoes were missing from the rack by the door, meaning he must've gone out. Matthew wondered whether it was last night or this morning he disappeared from the dorm, and either way he was grateful. He wondered if this would become a common trend for him, being grateful for Hanbin in ways he hadn't previously considered.
Matthew knocked lightly on Taerae's door, before getting impatient and banging.
"What?" Taerae yanked open the door, deeply affronted by the disturbance, but it wasn't like he was asleep. Taerae was such a deep sleeper that banging on the door would by no means wake him up – he was just ignoring Matthew until it became impossible. "I've not got time for your attitude," Matthew hissed in a whisper, shoving Taerae back into his room and pulling the door shut behind him. "Why are you whispering?" Taerae asked, raising an eyebrow and throwing himself back onto his bed, followed closely by Matthew who rolled into him. "I don't know," Matthew said, "It just feels secret."
Taerae hummed, pouting as he thought, deciding to let the confession settle until Matthew was ready to speak again.
"I don't think I'm homophobic."
Taerae shook slightly next to him, and Matthew looked over in confusion to see the other boy holding in laughter. "Hey!" He slapped him lightly on the arm, causing Taerae to laugh louder. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure we concluded that earlier." Matthew frowned, "Actually I might be a little bit homophobic. Like," he paused, gesturing with his hands to himself. "Internally."
Taerae nodded, face going soft, which was a weird look on him. He opened his mouth, but Matthew quickly interrupted. "I don't really want to talk about it, not right now." Taerae simply hummed, letting Matthew think out loud without commenting, and Matthew was grateful for the soothing rub that had started up and down his arm.
"I think," Matthew hated this, putting it into words. He knew how he felt when he looked down last night and could see his insides ripped out and leaking, he didn't want to have to say it out loud also. But it wasn't fair. To himself, to Hanbin, or even to Gunwook if he didn't. "I think I was jealous." Taerae nodded, looking straight ahead, which Matthew was thankful for.He thought that if they were looking at each other right now, and Taerae could see the distress on his face, he wouldn't be able to do it.
"And I think," Matthew breathed deeply, remembering how Gunwook held him tightly while his body racked with sobs until he was so tired his bones ached. "I'm over it." Taerae squeezed his arm tightly, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Congratulations." He said into the room, rather than directed at Matthew. Everyone was being so kind to him. "So," Taerae started, drawing it out in a way that Matthew knew he wouldn't like where it was going. "Gunwook?"
Matthew took it back – Taerae was terrible to him. He rolled out of bed, kicking Taerae in the side as leverage causing him to squawk indignantly. "Yeah, yeah whatever, you were right." Matthew rolled his eyes and couldn't help put laugh while Taerae rubbed at his side rather dramatically, before shooting him a rather thoughtful look.
"Well," he started, tilting his head at Matthew, "What are you gonna do about it?"