Chapter Text
Severus barely had time to sit down the next morning, before the producer was putting a call through to him.
"Good afternoon. You're through to Severus Hour."
"Er... hello, Professor."
"Hagrid."
"I've got a bit of a problem."
"So I gathered."
"It's one o' the creatures."
Severus glanced at his notes.
"What has it done?"
"Well, that's the thing. It ain't done anythin' really."
Severus paused.
"Then what is the problem?"
"It keeps lookin' at me."
Severus stared at the microphone.
"I'm sorry?"
"It keeps lookin' at me."
"Your animal has eyes."
"I know that."
"Then I fail to see the difficulty."
"No, Professor. It's different."
"How?"
"It follows me round."
"Many animals do that."
"It watches me when I'm workin'."
"Perhaps it wants food."
"I fed it."
"Perhaps it wants more food."
"I gave it more."
Severus closed his eyes.
"And?"
"It still watches me."
"Have you considered that it may simply like you?"
There was a pause.
"You think so?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
Hagrid sounded considerably happier.
"I thought it might be angry with me."
"Has it attacked you?"
"No."
"Bitten you?"
"No."
"Chased you?"
"No."
"Destroyed anything?"
"Not really."
"Then I suggest you stop treating its staring as a declaration of war."
There was a pause.
"Could be affection?"
"Almost certainly."
"Right."
Hagrid sounded relieved.
"Thank yeh, Professor."
"You're welcome."
The line clicked dead.
Severus stared at the microphone.
"Apparently we have now established that an animal looking at someone does not necessarily indicate murderous intent."
Severus picked up the next parchment.
The handwriting was neat.
He unfolded the parchment.
Dear Professor Snape,
I need some advice about buying my boyfriend a present.
I saw a really nice shirt in town that I think he would like, and I thought it would be a good present for him.
The problem is that I don't know what size he is.
I can't exactly go into his bedroom and look at his clothes, because that seems rather strange.
I also can't ask him because then he'll know I'm buying him something.
What if I buy the wrong size?
What if it's too small?
What if it's too big?
What if he doesn't like it?
What if he likes it but doesn't like the colour?
What if I buy the wrong one?
I thought about looking at one of his shirts when we're together, but I don't know if that would be obvious.
I also thought about asking one of his friends, but then they might tell him.
I don't want to ruin the surprise.
What should I do?
Yours sincerely,
A Very Worried Girlfriend
Severus stared at the parchment.
He looked towards the producer.
She was already smiling.
Severus sighed.
"Firstly, I would advise against entering your boyfriend's bedroom to investigate his clothing."
He paused.
"Not because it is impossible."
"But because there are considerably less complicated ways of discovering someone's shirt size."
He continued reading.
"You could discreetly ask one of his friends."
"You could pay attention to the size of clothing he already wears when you are with him."
"You could ask him a question about clothing without making the purpose obvious."
"Or you could simply buy something that does not require an exact measurement."
He placed the parchment down.
"And if you do happen to purchase the wrong size, most shops have exchange policies."
He glanced back at the letter.
"You appear to have considered approximately seventeen different ways this could go wrong."
"Have you considered that it might go right?"
He paused.
"You saw something you thought he would like."
"You thought of him when you saw it."
"That is generally the point of giving someone a present."
Severus leaned back.
"He may like it."
"He may not."
"He may like it but prefer another colour."
"He may appreciate the thought but have no particular interest in the shirt."
"All of these things are possible."
"But none of them require an investigation."
He raised an eyebrow.
"If you genuinely do not know what he likes, think about what he normally wears."
"What colours does he choose?"
"What sort of clothes does he prefer?"
"What interests does he have?"
"Use the information you already possess."
He paused.
"And if you give him the present and he doesn't like it, that is not a catastrophe."
"If he is polite about it, you have simply learned something about his taste."
"You can ask him what he would prefer next time."
Severus's expression hardened slightly.
"If he is unpleasant about it, however, that is a different matter."
"You have given him a gift."
"You have not committed an offence."
"His dislike of the shirt does not give him permission to be cruel to you."
He looked down at the parchment.
"So stop attempting to predict every possible reaction before you have even bought the thing."
"Choose something you think he will like."
"Make a reasonable attempt to get the correct size."
"And give it to him."
He paused.
"If it is too large, exchange it."
"If it is too small, exchange it."
"If he dislikes it, ask him what he does like."
"And if he loves it..."
Severus took a sip of tea.
"You will have successfully purchased your boyfriend a present."
He folded the parchment.
"This does not require further investigation."
A pause.
"Nor, I assure you, does it require breaking into his bedroom."
He took a sip of his tea returned his attention to the microphone.
"Next."
The producer nodded as she put the next caller through.
"Good afternoon. You're through to Severus Hour."
The familiar voice answered.
"Hello, Professor."
Severus frowned.
There was something familiar about the caller's tone.
He pushed the thought aside.
"What is your question?"
"It's about the person I asked you about before."
Severus paused.
"The person who may or may not be interested in you."
"Yes."
"You have returned."
"I've got more information."
"Naturally."
"I actually spent about an hour with him."
Severus sat back slightly.
"How did that happen?"
"He came to see someone I know."
"Did he speak to you?"
"Yes."
"How did he behave?"
"He was... surprisingly considerate."
Severus raised an eyebrow.
"Surprisingly?"
"Well, yes."
"Continue."
"He listened to me."
"That is generally considered a positive quality."
"He remembered some things I'd told him before."
Severus paused.
"That is potentially significant."
"And he did some of the things you said I should look for."
"Such as?"
"He looked at me differently sometimes."
Severus frowned.
"That is rather vague."
"I know."
"How was he looking at you?"
The caller seemed to think.
"I don't know. Just... differently."
"Compared with?"
"My friend."
Severus considered this.
"If he was behaving differently towards you than towards another person present, that may indicate that he was more comfortable with you, more interested in what you were saying, or simply paying you more attention."
"So it could mean something."
"It could."
"Like attraction?"
"It could."
"But," Severus added, "you have still not provided sufficient evidence to establish that."
"Right."
"You have described someone who remembers things about you, listens to you, behaves considerately and appears to pay you particular attention."
"Yes."
"Those are all positive signs."
"So..."
"So I would say that there is certainly something worth exploring."
The caller suddenly quiet.
Severus continued.
"However, we cannot know what is happening inside another person's head simply by observing them."
"I suppose not."
"If you wish to know whether this person is interested in you, eventually you will have to speak to them."
The caller swallowed.
"Right."
"You could start by spending more time with them."
"I could."
"Talk to them."
"I could do that."
"See how they respond."
"Right."
"And, eventually, if you feel sufficiently confident, ask them."
There was silence, before the caller spoke again.
"Thank you, Professor."
"You're welcome."
The line clicked dead.
Severus looked down at his notes.
He had the distinct impression that his anonymous caller had just become considerably more hopeful.
The next red light flickered on for the next call.
Severus reached for the microphone.
"Good afternoon. You're through to Severus Hour."
"Hello, Professor."
The voice was young and noticeably nervous.
"What's your problem?"
"It's about the food."
Severus glanced down at his notes.
"Go on."
"I'm new here."
"I gathered."
"And there are some things they keep serving that I don't really like."
Severus waited.
"I don't want to complain about it."
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to upset anyone."
"Who would you be upsetting?"
"The people who make the food."
Severus paused.
"Do you know these people?"
"No."
"Have you spoken to them?"
"No."
"Then you are currently worrying about upsetting people who do not know you are upset."
There was a small silence.
"I suppose."
"What happens when you eat the food?"
"Sometimes I feel sick."
Severus's expression changed slightly.
"Physically ill?"
"Yes."
"Then this is no longer simply a matter of disliking something."
The student went quiet.
"You should tell someone."
"But what if they think I'm being difficult?"
"They may."
Severus paused.
"Or they may simply need to know that a particular food does not agree with you."
He leaned back.
"You are not required to eat something that makes you ill merely because somebody else prepared it."
"But I don't want to waste it."
"Feeling ill is considerably more wasteful."
There was a tiny laugh from the caller.
Severus continued.
"Speak to whoever is responsible for meals at the school."
"Explain exactly what happens when you eat these foods."
"You do not need to accuse anyone of preparing terrible meals."
"You simply need to say, 'These foods make me feel unwell. Is there another option available?'"
"But what if they say no?"
"Then you ask what alternatives are available."
"And if there genuinely are none, you speak to a teacher or another member of staff who can help."
He paused.
"You are new here."
"Nobody expects you to know how everything works immediately."
"You are allowed to ask questions."
The student was quiet.
"I just don't want them to think I'm rude."
Severus sighed.
"Informing someone that a food makes you ill is not rude."
"Being unable to eat something is not a moral failing."
"And declining something that makes you unwell is considerably more sensible than forcing yourself to eat it simply to avoid an awkward conversation."
Another pause.
"Right."
"So what should I say?"
Severus considered this.
"Try: 'I'm sorry, but I've noticed that whenever I eat this, I feel unwell. Is there something else I could have instead?'"
"That's it?"
"Yes."
"It doesn't sound very difficult."
"No."
Severus glanced at the clock.
"Which is fortunate, because you have managed to turn asking for different food into a crisis."
The student laughed.
"Sorry, Professor."
"Don't apologise."
"You have done nothing wrong."
A brief pause.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
The line clicked off.
Severus looked towards the glass. And then picked up the next parchment.
The problem was considerably shorter than the previous one.
He hoped this meant it would also be simpler.
Dear Professor Snape,
Someone keeps borrowing my quill.
I don't mind people borrowing things if they ask, but this person never asks.
They simply take it from my desk and then put it back later.
I know it is the same person because I recognise the handwriting they leave on the notes beside it.
I have considered hiding my quill, but I don't want to seem petty.
Should I say something?
Yours sincerely,
Quill Owner
Severus stared at the parchment.
"Yes."
He paused.
"You should say something."
He glanced down again.
"You have already established that you do not object to lending your quill.
"The problem is that somebody is taking it without asking."
Severus leaned back.
"This is remarkably easy to resolve."
"You say: 'Please ask before taking my quill.'"
He paused.
"That is all."
He picked up his tea.
"You do not need to hide it."
"You do not need to investigate the culprit."
"And you certainly do not need to identify them through handwriting analysis."
Severus looked towards the glass.
Sirius was grinning.
Severus frowned.
"What?"
Sirius mouthed, You'd investigate.
Severus ignored him.
"People are not mind readers."
"If you have a boundary, you need to communicate it."
He folded the parchment.
"And if they continue taking it after you have asked them not to..."
A pause.
"Then you may hide the quill."
He took another sip of tea.
"Preferably somewhere less accessible than your desk."
He looked at the clock.
"Problem solved."
He placed the parchment aside.