Chapter Text
As soon as they got home, Kusakabe slid off his shoes and then perked up again. “Ah! Do you want me to go get groceries? Since we have nothing in the fridge.”
Sajou looked at the floor, toes curling under his socks. “Sure. If you want.”
There were times when Sajou wanted to say something, anything. Most of the times Kusakabe approached him, Sajou wanted to pull him into his arms or start crying, or both. But every time the man approached him, his throat went dry, and even if the words strung into coherence in his head, they would never fall from the tip of his tongue. One-word answers or short lines were the only things he could get out, and each time he could feel Kusakabe’s happiness become more of a falsity.
“Are you hungry?” Kusakabe asked from the kitchen that night, leaning on the counter.
“No, I’m okay. I’ll grab something when I’m finished this.” Sajou forced his eyes onto the keyboard in front of him. Every word Kusakabe said kept coming back to the news he had given him.
Kusakabe lingered for a moment before moving from his position and disappearing upstairs. As soon as he was gone, Sajou leaned back, letting his head fall. He rubbed his temples and felt the tension in his head underneath his fingertips. Closing his eyes was the only thing he could do to stop himself from crying.
It wasn’t much longer before Sajou gave up on trying to work and went up to bed. Knowing that his feelings weren’t going to get any better when he saw Kusakabe, all he could do was resign to the notion that this house felt emptier than it had before.
Kusakabe was sound asleep when he reached the top step. Settling into bed, Sajou sat for a moment, head on his knees, and peered over at the man. He didn’t have to think to do anything. His fingers brushed away a strand of Kusakabe’s hair, tingling as they felt his skin again.
“Hikaru.”
He called that name, and within minutes, Sajou collapsed on the futon and dozed into an uncomfortable sleep.
Warmth brushed against Sajou’s cheeks, hairs on his arms standing up and eyes fluttering open.
“Ah, sorry.” Kusakabe’s face was leaning over him when he woke. He retracted his hand, eyebrows furrowed downward and a guilty look on his face.
Sajou took a moment to gather himself, cheeks flushing and then shifting as he frowned. “No, it’s...” Don’t go. I’m not mad. “It’s okay.”
“Rihito, I…” Kusakabe raised his head, a mixture of guilt and hope gleaming in his eyes. “I want to talk. About what I told you yesterday.”
Sajou sat up and met his eyes. His face was stiff, lips stuck downturned. “Yeah.”
There was a long moment where neither of them said anything, and neither of them continued looking at each other.
“I’m happy for you,” Sajou said after a while, fidgeting with his hands. “I really am.” But I don’t know if I’m happy for us.
“Do you really mean it?” Kusakabe interjected abruptly. “That I should take the deal.”
The pit of Sajou’s stomach bloomed with regret. I mean it. I mean that he should take it. But I don’t want him to, but that’s selfish, isn’t it? Weed sprouting through his veins, poisoning the spring he was once invigorated with, Sajou forced the words out of my mouth. “I do.”
What would happen if Kusakabe really did take that deal? Sajou thought about how much farther away Hokkaido was, and how much farther away Kusakabe would be. He could barely stand them being apart as they were, so how would he handle Hokkaido? Not to mention that Kusakabe would be busier all the time, and Sajou didn’t know how many visits he would get, or even calls. The more he thought about the distance between them opening, the more upset Sajou got, and the more he hated the fact that saying no to Kusakabe meant saying no to the future he could have.
“Maybe that’s best, then.” Kusakabe paused. Tears stung at Sajou’s eyes as the words reached his ears and the thoughts buzzed in his head.
“I have class.” Sajou stood up, sheets falling from his body. He didn’t bother to make his bed or shower. He didn’t have school or any other plans. But the suffocating feeling in his chest was too much of a distraction right now, and he just wanted to leave this house where the absence of spring was too much to bear.
As soon as he got outside, Sajou let out a deep breath. With the warmth of the air as it escaped his lips, a tear fell from the bottom of his eyelid. Vision blurry, Sajou wiped the drop from his face and inhaled sharply. He walked, not knowing where he was going.
Sajou wondered. He wasn’t sure where, or for how long. He walked around parks and on street corners, looking at everything and concentrating on it and hoping that somehow it would take the pain away. Every sign and passing face reminded him of Kusakabe. Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru. Over and over in his head, his name called to him. Sajou wanted to be with him, but every time he thought of Kusakabe he couldn’t forget that he might leave.
After it felt like it had been a long time, Sajou decided to go back home. He looked at the ground as he walked, and focused only on his footsteps.
“I’m back,” Sajou called as he slipped off his shoes. Hanging his coat on the rack, his eyes found an empty hook. “Hikaru?” He called again, eyebrows knotting.
A ripped piece of paper on the end table caught his eye as he looked around. He glanced at the messy handwriting and knew immediately it belonged to Kusakabe.
Rihito,
You left before I could tell you, and I’m sorry.
Sajou’s heart beat faster as his eyes scanned the letter.
If I’m taking the deal, I have to go there today to meet them in Hokkaido. That’s why I wanted to ask you this morning. They set up a flight for me in case I changed my mind.
Because when they offered it to me at first, I thought about it carefully and told them that I already have something more important in my life.
That something is still you, Rihito. No matter what we decide, or where we go.
I love you.
Hikaru
Sajou only knew he was crying when tears splattered the paper. His whole body tensed, everything spilling out of him at once. Pain pulled at his chest, and he didn’t have to think to know what had to come next.
He crumbled Kusakabe’s letter into his pocket and shoved his feet back in his shoes. This time, Sajou didn’t worry about wiping his tears. Sajou ran. He ran as fast as his legs would carry him, tears streaming into his mouth, glasses sliding to the tip of his nose. Hikaru. Hikaru. Hikaru. Over and over again, Sajou called that name, searching for him desperately. He traced the road to the airport, frantically searching for him, for any trace of him. Only one thought drove Sajou.
I don’t want you to go.
Sajou didn’t know how many blocks he ran before he saw Kusakabe. All he knew in that moment was that Kusakabe was still here, and that was all that mattered.
“Hikaru!” Sajou shouted into the wind, jacket flailing behind him. He cupped his hands around his mouth, pouring out everything he had across the intersection. “Hikaru!”
Kusakabe’s head turned. As soon as he met Sajou’s gaze, his eyes widened and his body moved on its own. He pulled over on the other side of the street and jumped off his motorcycle.
The wind carried disembodied syllables of Sajou’s name to his ears. As soon as he found an opening, Sajou ran across the road, leaping over the curb. He fell into Kusakabe’s arms, and before he could stay there, he grabbed the man’s shoulders and pushed their bodies apart.
“I don’t want you to go,” Sajou said, barely slipping the words in between frantic breaths. “I don’t want you to go, but I know that if you stay you’re giving up something that could change your life. And I don’t want to be selfish, but I don’t want…” He looked at Kusakabe, tears pooling in his eyes again. “I don’t want to lose you.” He choked on the words as he said them.
Kusakabe’s hand gathered strands of Sajou’s hair and pushed them behind his ear. “Rihito, listen to me.” His eyes shifted with affection as he looked at the man. “Sajou is number one. Do you remember when I told you that?” A laugh escaped his lips. “I guess I should say your first name now, though.”
Sajou’s chest squeezed. “But if you say no, then-”
“Unless you tell me not to, I’ll say no,” Kusakabe said.
What would happen if Kusakabe really did take that deal? Would he be happy? Would he find success? Would his future be a brighter one? He would do so many more things, and he would finally show himself something. Kusakabe would be happy.
“Then I’m telling you to say yes.” Sajou reached his fingers to Kusakabe’s face. “Because Hikaru is number one.” He grinned. “And if you’re happy, then that’s all that matters to me.”
“Are you sure?” Kusakabe asked, taken aback.
Sajou nodded. “Besides, when I turn twenty, you’re marrying me anyway. There’s no way I can lose you now.”
Kusakabe looked at him and broke into a laugh. “I’ll meet you there, then.”
Sajou tilted his head. “Where?”
“Anywhere. As long as we’re together.”
This time, Sajou looked at him, and he understood what it meant to be together. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t having everything handed to you. It was knowing that no matter what, as long as Kusakabe was happy, he was too. But mostly, it was knowing that someday the world would stop, and their anywhere would finally become somewhere.
Kusakabe’s lips met his, and Sajou knew that the feeling of spring would never leave him again. Replacing the dark blooming in his stomach was a pale pink blossom in his heart, right where Kusakabe had left it.
For now, anywhere would have to be a long ways away. But as Kusakabe moved forward, so did Sajou, and he didn’t doubt for a second that they would meet somewhere.
When they did, nothing would ever bring them apart from that somewhere.