Chapter Text
When Naoto finally made it back home, he was promptly sent to his room. He was supposed to take a nap, to recover from his little episode. Naoto knew that if Gramps caught him awake, he’d be in trouble. But he knew there was no way he was falling asleep. Not with his conversation with Dojima still looping in his head.
When he’d told his adoptive uncle, the older man had immediately offered him an escape route. He wasn’t stupid enough to not understand why. Naoto’s grandfather would never accept a gay family member. The way he’d spoken about Kanji any time Naoto’s friends from Yasogami High made that painfully clear.
The old man expected perfection, continuation of the family business and reputation before all else. Naoto was half sure the only reason he was allowed to live as a man was because his childhood mental health crises were just another mystery to solve, another case to crack and then tie up neatly with a bow.
And what about Rise? Naoto didn’t even want to think about what she would say if he told her. Just the thought made his heart start racing again. He closed his eyes and tried his hardest to fall asleep, pretending he was already cuddled up beside her. But his mind wandered to thoughts of someone else’s arms wrapped around him. Instead of indulging those memories, he stared at his ceiling.
After what felt like forever, the door creaked open. Naoto pretended he didn’t hear it, silently praying to just be left alone.
“Honey?” a soft female voice called.
Naoto sat up. There she was, standing in the doorway. Rise looked exhausted, her eyes damp. When their eyes met, she smiled.
“Are you ok?” she asked.
He didn’t know how to respond. Was he?
The silence only made things worse. Rise sniffled, wiping away a tear with her hand. The corners of her brown eyes were dotted with black smudges, the makeup she’d been so pleased with earlier now ruined.
Softly, Rise closed the door behind her. Then she collapsed onto the bed and started to cry. Her whole body was trembling with every sob. Naoto put his arms out, motioning for her.
Every wail in his ear was a blow to his head. Did she put the pieces together? Naoto hugged his fiancee tighter, certain that once she calmed down, the real storm would begin.
If Chie even thought she recognized Naoto from their meeting outside of the textile shop, she might’ve said something. And while Rise, who had been through hell yet still could only see the best in those around her, might assume his message for Kanji was strictly business, Yukiko wouldn’t. The future manager of the Amagi Inn was as blunt as she was clever. She would have wasted no time both putting the pieces together and telling Rise about his new secret.
The crying was slowing down now. Naoto took a few deep breaths. Could she tell his body was shaking? Could she tell how nervous he was?
“Am I a bad fiancee?” Rise asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Naoto couldn’t bring himself to answer. What was he supposed to say? Rise was an amazing person, and he did love her, but it could never be the love she was looking for. He could never give her that. Instead, he brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
That was the wrong thing to do. Rise began to cry again, albeit not as hard this time.
“I’m a failure of a woman and you’re gonna kill yourself and it’s gonna be my fault because I can’t be a good wife and focus on you like I’m supposed to,” Rise said, the words pouring out of her mouth in a storm.
Naoto hugged her tighter. Her words were so old fashioned, her self hatred having the disgusting odor of a time long past. There was a sinking feeling in his gut about how they got there. But he couldn’t deal with that now.
He promised Rise everything she needed to hear. After a while, she felt calm enough to untangle herself from Naoto and get ready for bed.
At breakfast the next morning, it was as if nothing happened. As usual, Rise had made her way downstairs before Naoto. When he entered the kitchen, she perked up.
“Good morning, honey. Sorry I didn’t start your coffee. I didn’t know when you’d wake up, and I didn’t want it to get cold,” she said.
Frankly, he didn’t care if he woke up to any part of his breakfast pre-made or not. In fact, Naoto preferred to do it himself. He had been picky about food and drinks his whole life, and it was just easier to take matters into his own hands.
Rise knew that. By now, they’d spent more nights together than Naoto could count. Someone else didn’t, though; someone who had a different view of the world.
His grandfather sat at the table, the quiet composure still radiating from his mere presence. Of course he’d suggest that sort of traditional nonsense to her. If Naoto had caught anyone else telling Rise to act like some kind of quiet housewife, he’d have harsh words for them. But Gramps wasn’t anyone else. He would have to talk to Rise later, encourage her to have more of a spine with the old man. For right now, Naoto just needed to get through breakfast.
“Kid, how are you feeling?” the old man asked. “You scared us yesterday. Last time you had an episode that bad…”
Naoto shook his head.
“I’m fine today. Slept alright. I texted Mitsuru. She’s gonna set up a counseling appointment over the phone sometime next week with someone from the university her friend’s at,” he said.
“Good. I’d rather be proactive about all this. You’ll have college entrance exams soon, and after that, the wedding. There’s no room for mistakes,” his grandfather said, shooting a glance at Rise.
“Oh, that reminds me, honey. I need your razor,” Rise said.
Naoto paused. His razor? Rise had all of her own toiletries, bright and pink. She certainly didn’t need to borrow from him.
“Well, after the week you’ve been having, I think it’s best if you aren’t tempted to fall into your old habits,” she said, folding her hands on the table.
“Old habits? You know I haven’t self harmed since the start of second year,” Naoto said, grabbing Rise’s hand. “I appreciate your concern but you don’t have to worry. Besides, do you want me to get all scruffy while we’re out on our trip?”
Rise looked off to the side for a moment.
“I guess it’s ok if I’m with you,” she continued. “And once we’ve been on the road for a while, you can have it back, promise.”
There was only one explanation that made her words make sense. Naoto shot a look at his grandfather.
“Did you put her up to this?” he asked.
The old man shook his head.
“This one was all her. Besides, if you’re not having urges, you wouldn’t be fighting this,’ he said, sipping his coffee.
Naoto turned his attention back to Rise. Her bottom lip was shaking again.
“Babe, come on. You don’t have anything to worry about. I’m not the same scared little boy I was when we first met,” he said.
Rise sucked in a breath. He could tell she didn’t want to do this. But this was all a performance for an audience of one, and right now, they were both on stage.
“Why don’t you go search your room? Just in case he has any hiding,” Gramps said, turning to her.
Rise stood up, giving the old man a smile and a salute. He chuckled as she dashed upstairs, as if he had no clue how the matter made his grandson feel.
“Do you really think I’m gonna hurt myself over a panic attack?” Naoto asked quietly.
His grandfather sighed.
“You know how women are, kiddo. Let her feel like she took care of you for a few days, and then things will go back to normal,” he said.
The two sat in a familiar silence, one Naoto had quickly learned to live with as a boy. The old man was staring at him coolly, sitting up straight in his chair. The same posture he’d taught Naoto to adopt when interrogating a suspect.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” he asked. “Rather, something you were hoping I wouldn’t find out?”
Naoto’s mouth suddenly felt very dry. Was he caught? He couldn’t even imagine the rage the old man would fly into over this.
He took a sip of his coffee, hoping to regain his composure before speaking. His grandfather’s gaze never softened.
“Wh-what do you mean?” Naoto stuttered out.
“Two nights ago, when Rise was at her grandparents’ house. You said you were sleeping in the treehouse, but when I went to check on you, you weren’t there,” the old man said.
“I took a walk to clear my head. That’s what the doctors said to do.”
“Did they say for you to meet up with that boy from the textile shop?”
Naoto felt his mouth drop open. Quickly, he straightened his shoulders out. In his lap, his hands balled into defensive fists that would probably not be used. If he could appear brave, if he could seem tough, maybe he’d have a chance. Maybe his Gramps would reveal he was joking, and this would all be a bad dream.
“I knew it. Don’t even bother hiding it,” the old man said. “What’s her name?”
Her?
“Stop playing dumb. That queer’s helping you fool around with some townie, isn’t he?”
“Not at all,” Naoto said. “I would never cheat on Rise.”
His grandfather sighed loudly. Naoto felt a chill crawl down his back. He grit his teeth. It was coming. There was no use fighting back any longer. Once he started getting mad, it was over.
“Do you know the shit I had to pull? To help keep your little issue hidden from the world? I even got you set up with a hot girl like that. I know she’s damaged goods, but-“
“Don’t talk about her like that!” Naoto blurted out.
He wasn’t even surprised by the slap on his face, palm connecting with cheek. Outside, the sky was blue. His grandfather scoffed, rolling his eyes.
Outside, a brown bird landed on one of the lawn chairs in the middle of the grass. It sat calmly on the chair. He pressed his lips together tightly. He wouldn’t yell or make any noise. Rise wouldn’t come flying down the stairs. She wouldn’t learn just how bad the old man’s temper was.
“You think she’s so innocent, huh? Probably didn’t even realize she was seducing you. You can thank me for that, you know,” he spat.
Naoto stiffened. The old man was exaggerating. He had to be. The same way he always had to scare him. Outside, the bird was still on the lawn chair, feet curled against the white painted wood. It was looking around, its tiny brain likely looking overtime to find its next meal.
“When your little incident happened, I sought her out. She was practically begging to get in your pants that summer, after all. Didn’t take much convincing for her to agree to keep an eye on you,” his grandfather smiled at the memory. “You know, her family should thank me. Since she’s tied down to you, they don’t have to worry about her getting kno-”
“I’m not listening to this,” Naoto said, standing up abruptly.
At first, his legs felt weak, collapsible. Once they steadied themselves, he began to walk. His body felt stiffer and stiffer, his grandfather’s chair closer and closer.
A hand grabbed his wrist. Naoto turned.
“Go. Don’t come back until you’re ready to act like a man.”
His wrist was free. Naoto exited with the slam of the screen door.
He kept walking. The bird jumped off the chair, into the open sky. He gripped the chair. Parts of reality registered in his mind.
The tang of iron dripped into his mouth, and he gagged. Naoto brought a hand to his nose, liquid trickling into his fist.
I have to go. Rise can’t see this. Alternating phrases, a feedback loop preventing any other thoughts.
It wasn’t until he was up in the treehouse, holding a blue pillowcase to his bleeding nose, that Naoto began to cry.
He didn’t care about the potential for his grandfather to return. He didn’t worry about the russian roulette of the old man’s reactions, an evenly equal chance of being comforted or confronting. He didn’t feel anything but gasping pain until his throat finally gave out, and the only sound was the wood ladder hitting the tree.
And then there were arms around him, squeezing him tight before letting go. Someone else’s hand took the fabric, held it to his nose. Naoto and Rise sat like that for a while.
Rise was being so brave, not a hint of fear or sadness on her face. Maybe he shouldn’t worry about her this much. After all, his grandfather was a raging misogynist. The naked truth of his words earlier, disrobed of his disgusting views of women…
“That should be the last of it,” Rise said, removing the cloth from his nose. “Do you wanna talk about anything?”
She was probably expecting him to explain the injury. She was probably hoping they could connect over the old man’s harsh words. But there was only one thought running through Naoto’s head, as much as he hated to admit it.
“Gramps told me about what happened when we were first years,” Naoto said quietly.
He couldn’t even bring himself to look at her. He heard her suck in a breath instead of gasp. She was supposed to be shocked and horrified!
“Oh, honey,” Rise said softly, taking his hands into hers.
She stroked his cheek gently before kissing him. From her facial expression, the gesture was meant to be sweet and comforting. But to Naoto, it felt like nothing at all.
“You know, I still had a crush on you. Even after your dungeon,” Rise said.
“Even when you thought I was a girl?” Naoto asked.
Rise smiled.
“Your energy crashed the second your Shadow disappeared. The others said you were the only one to react like that. So I wondered if maybe you weren’t really being honest about something,” she explained. “And I was right! Your grandpa didn’t tell me anything I couldn’t have guessed on my own.”
Her smile faded as quickly as it appeared.
“Is that all you two talked about when I left?”
A horrible thought flickered across Naoto’s mind. Rise wouldn’t get it; she’d try to protect him instead of keeping her mouth shut. Someday, she’d find out, when the old man was six feet underground. But right now, she couldn’t know.
“I walked into a tree. That’s how my nose happened,” he explained.
Rise gave him a strange look. Naoto hoped she wouldn’t press him further.
“Well, once we’re married, you’ll never have to do that again,” she said. “We’ll be in Tokyo, out on the town together. You’ll be so busy between detective school and our events, you won’t even have time to think about Inaba.”
“But-” Naoto stopped himself before saying anything that he shouldn’t.
“Your nightmares haven’t been this bad in years. You had a panic attack while we were talking to our friends yesterday,” Rise squeezed his hand again. “I just want you to feel better. Especially right now, at the start of the rest of our lives.”
Naoto nodded. Life with her was something he’d been thinking about a lot more since the proposal. Rise had needs and wants, expectations for the future. She wanted an attentive boyfriend, one who couldn’t keep his eyes or his hands off her.
For Naoto, it was fun at first. During his time at Yasogami, he relished in the rumors about them. The student body couldn’t figure out Naoto’s gender, so they were already staring. Suddenly, he was no longer “that weird, androgynous thing”; he was “that weird guy with Rise”. With her hand in his, the student body was able to make a decision: Naoto Shirogane was a boy or boy adjacent, and deserved to be treated accordingly.
But he was no longer stuck in a small town. Now, being with Rise meant always being careful. He couldn’t cringe at an unexpected arm around his shoulders. He had to guess whether she wanted him to look at her face or ogle her body, a coin toss that could end with hurt feelings if he didn’t answer correctly. Rise needed to be handled gently, like a fragile object.
If only he’d done the right thing two years ago and gently turned her down. But instead, he’d used her to bolster his self esteem. If he broke up with her now, after nearly a year on testosterone, he’d be just another man in her life using her. No, he couldn’t do that to her. He had to hold it together.
“I think I’ll be fine once we’re on our trip,” Naoto said. “Fully into the swing of this wedding thing.”
At that, his fiancee smiled. She pulled a small piece of paper out of her pocket.
“Oh, that reminds me. I want you to take this to the Amagi Inn, ok? It’s for tomorrow night.”
Naoto looked at the words scrawled on it. As usual, Rise had used one of her pink pens, doodling hearts instead of making bullet points.
“Purple flowers on the table? Stereo- Rise, this is just our friend group. Isn’t this a bit much?” he asked.
Rise rolled her eyes.
“Honey, it’s called party planning. I want you to learn something about it,” she said. “Besides, I think you need a bit of space from the house right now.”
Rise was right about that, Naoto had to admit. The Amagi Inn was a 20 minute walk from the Shirogane estate, 25 minutes on a day like today where Naoto was dragging his feet. He’d passed this way many times throughout his life.
The first summer Naoto lived with his grandfather, the pair would go to the inn for lunch every Saturday. They’d sit out by the koi pond, eating sandwiches and talking.
Of course, once Naoto’s training really started, there wasn’t time for lunch dates anymore. The next time he’d step foot on Amagi Inn property was for the murder investigation. Due to his proximity in age to the family’s daughter, he’d been tasked with talking through her kidnapping with her again.
Even now, Naoto could never figure out exactly what Yukiko was thinking. The last time they’d spoken one on one had been about six months ago over text.
Apparently, she had watched some American movie about cheerleaders and conversion therapy. The film had led to her feeling great remorse about her actions while Naoto lived in Inaba. He couldn’t figure out from her message if she thought he was à butch lesbian, or if she’d actually pieced together the trans thing, but he’d responded with à simple thanks all the same.
If he was lucky, perhaps that feeling would still be lingering, a shadow on her mind strong enough to prevent her from thinking too hard about anything she’d heard from Chie.
When Naoto entered the hotel, he breathed a sigh of relief. Yukiko was working behind the desk, typing furiously on the computer in front of her. Even if she did know, maybe she would be too busy to bring it up.
“Hey, Yukiko,” Naoto said.
The black haired girl looked up from her work. She seemed annoyed, adjusting her signature red headband before speaking.
“Why are you here? Rise freaking out about tomorrow night?” Yukiko asked.
Naoto nodded.
“Something like that,” he said.
She rolled her eyes.
“You know, if you really wanted to be useful, you’d make a decision,” she said coldly.
“Wh-what?” Naoto asked, confused.
“Look, I don’t know whether you’re just getting things out of your system, or if you genuinely are closeted. But you know what I do know? You’re breaking the heart of one of my best friends,” Yukiko said.
“What are you-”
“No questions. If you want to explore your sexuality further, use some of your trust fund to call a hooker. Kanji doesn’t deserve the way you’re treating him.”
Naoto was frozen. His hands tightened around the desk’s wood.
“Oh, calm down. I’m not gonna tell Rise. Not yet, anyways. But if you don’t stop leading Kanji on, well… aren’t detectives supposed to be experts in serving justice to wrong doers?”
Yukiko folded her hands under her chin, her infamous smirk resting on her lips.
“Uh, I should check on the things Rise wants, I guess. Is there a room we’re using?” Naoto asked.
“That way,” Yukiko pointed to the left. “Go. Now.”
Walking down the hallway, Naoto made up his mind to focus on the task at hand. Rise was going to be proud tomorrow evening when she got to the room they were using.
Inside, it was already coming together. There was a stereo system already set up in one corner. The double doors leading outside were decorated with hearts, the largest one congratulating the happy couple.
Seeing it made his heart sink. He felt drawn towards it. Some animalistic urge made him want to run up to those doors, to tear that heart up into a thousand pieces. The door opened, but the noise barely registered in Naoto’s brain.
“Naoto?” Kanji asked softly.
He turned immediately. This time, though, Kanji didn’t smile when they locked eyes. Instead, he looked down at the basket of blue flowers he was carrying. His proud shoulders were hunched over. A foolish part of Naoto wanted to run to him, to wrap him in his arms and hold him the way he should want to hold Rise. Instead of listening to the impulse, he took a deep breath.
“What are you doing here?” he asked.
Kanji didn’t answer. Instead, he wordlessly plopped the flowers on the table before speaking.
“Er, I help Yukiko out sometimes. When I need to clear my head, she’s always got somethin to put me to work,” he said. “What about you?”
“Rise sent me. I think she just wanted me out of her hair.”
They stood in silence. Naoto stared down at the floor. He wished he could slip into the spaces in between the floorboards and sink into the earth.
“This is it, huh? Sunday afternoon, you’ll be leaving, and the next time I see ya…” Kanji trailed off. “But that’s what you want, right?”
Naoto cleared his throat.
“I mean, maybe I don’t like Rise the way I like you. But we’re friends, and being with a girl makes my life easier. If it wasn’t her, it would’ve been someone else my granddad picked out,” he said.
Kanji sighed.
“So it’s his fault now, huh? You’re making yourself miserable to keep him happy?” he asked.
Naoto shook his head. Of course Kanji wanted there to be an excuse, some reason for them not to be together beyond the obvious reality. If that’s he wanted, Naoto could give him that.
“You don’t know what he’s like, Kanji. My grandfather is an old fashioned man. I’m lucky he’s willing to look past the way I was born,” he said.
Kanji didn’t say anything. He still wouldn’t look Naoto in the eye.
“I’ve spent my whole life clawing to the top, trying to make up for the shit hand I was dealt. If I listen to my grandfather, I can keep going. Make him proud as the…”
“Alright, I get it! Ya got your whole life planned out. Never even thought about doing anything besides what you were told. Who gives a shit if you’re happy at the end of the day, as long as everyone around you is proud of you and respects you?”
“You act like I have a choice in this matter.”
“Don’t you? You got a whole life away from him, away from this place,” Kanji shook his head. “You got more choices than most people do, just not the sense to see it.”
Naoto paused. The taller boy wasn’t wrong. He had people who cared, his uncle Ryo, his school friends, and all of the Shadow Ops back on Port Island. Hell, even Yosuke was texting him more regularly, calling him just to show off riffs on his guitar. Not like any of that mattered, though. Not when Naoto was such a coward.
“You’ve always been braver than me, Kanji,” he said. “When your Shadow outed you, you didn’t run away and pretend it was all lies. You took it like a man. And I-”
Kanji’s face softened.
“No, don’t say that. It’s different, and you know that,” Kanji reached for Naoto’s hand as he spoke.
Naoto stepped back. He couldn’t touch him. If he did, he’d lose his composure. The fake persona would come off, would fall through the cracks in the floorboard never to be seen again.
“You can choose to be normal, you know. Fall for a girl, actually mean what you say. I don’t know why you don’t. I-” Naoto took a deep breath, hoping to stop the inevitable tears from falling..
Kanji’s arms were around him, suddenly pulling him into the taller boy’s chest.
“I don’t care about any of that stuff. Being normal, being weird. It’s all bullshit. I like who I like. Even if that’s killing me inside,” Kanji said softly.
Naoto stepped forward, and Kanji didn’t try to pull him back. When he turned, he could see that it was as if all the fight had left the taller boy’s body. His chest started aching at the sight.
“I don’t know what to do. Either way, someone I care about gets hurt. It’s too late to change that. It’s too late for me, isn’t it?” Naoto said.
He wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen. Maybe Kanji would reach for him and kiss him, and suddenly, he would know the answer. Maybe the taller boy would swoop him up in his arms, carrying him far away from his problems. Instead, Kanji simply shook his head.
“Nao-doll. There is always time. Long as you’re alive, there’s always time to start again,” he said.
Naoto stepped closer, standing on his tip toes. Kanji smiled sadly. This time, the kiss was softer, fainter, something that had never been there at all.
“I’ll always love you, Naoto, but I can’t keep doing this,” he said. “I can’t keep acting like what you’re doing isn’t breaking my heart.”
Naoto sucked in a breath.
“I don’t mean to-” he trailed off without finishing the sentence.
Kanji was right. It was better to end things now, act as if none of this ever happened. No point longing for something Naoto could never have.
“Everything all right?” a girl’s voice called.
“Yeah, Yukiko. I’m fine,” Kanji answered, before turning to address his ex. “She doesn’t like you very much right now.”
Naoto nodded. Normally, he wasn’t good when people were vague. But right now, he understood.
“I’ll go,” he said, faking a smile. “See you at the party.”
Before Kanji could answer, before his own resolve could waver, Naoto turned and walked out the door.