Chapter Text
It was weird thinking about that night.
How your body relaxed and Dazai felt something inside himself start dying, only to find out that you were still breathing. The bullet wound in your stomach would take some time to kill you, but he knew who to call for that.
However, even after he hung up the quick call, there was still another matter to take care of.
He went back to the attackers he had shot down, found one who was still alive. He could have been taken by fury when he killed most of them, but he was still sane enough to know he left at least one alive for enough time.
He questioned the man, got the information he needed. Let him live to see another day, or rather, let him live to be useful enough.
When Yosano arrived, she put her Ability to use, saved you quickly enough.
Waking up inside Dazai’s bedroom, on his bed, and with him staring at you intently wasn’t something you dreamed of in a while. Well, at least, not in the last few days.
You would never admit it, but it was quite a recurrent dream.
He explained what had happened to you, said that you would be staying with him for security purposes, while the government hunted down the criminal organization that was after you. Never said why they were after you, though, no matter how much you asked.
He instead focused on what mattered.
Dazai had already lost you once, had already felt what it was like to bury someone he loved. He wouldn’t lose you again, be it to life or to death.
The first week, he was set on drawing a smile out of you. You did your best to keep up with your disdain and your serious face, but there was only so much you were able to endure.
When Dazai was about to just give up and consider you out of his reach, the smile appeared.
He didn’t know he wanted that smile so much. Well, he did, but when you smiled at him… Damn.
He felt like he had been dying in a desert and you were his oasis.
It took time and a lot of effort to keep up with his plans of having you back. Just the thoughts of losing you were incentive enough for him to keep pushing on, to keep protecting you and trying to crack your façade open once more.
He needed you, wasn’t denying it anymore.
He had to give up a lot of his past, give you too much of a look into his darkness. He was afraid that you would flinch, pull back once you knew how fucked up he really was on the inside. He wouldn’t even mind if you did that. In truth, he was ready for the moment you would tell him to leave you alone once and for all.
The moment never came. As much as he kept giving into his darkness, opening up to you, you still stayed and listened. Bit your lip, looked at him—half in pity, half in worry.
You… didn’t pull back. You stayed with him and for him.
He did his best and waited for the worst, but it never came. You were still there, and when he went to sleep with you in his arms, he always woke up with you still there.
He wasn’t used to that. Were you that oblivious to his condition, or just that understanding?
One morning, he couldn’t hold the doubts back, and so he asked you.
“Hm? Is this a serious question?”
He nodded in response, “You know I killed and tortured more people than you could even imagine...”
You bit your lip, gave the wall past Dazai’s head a thoughtful look, and then looked into his eyes once again, “I know… This bothers me now and then. All those faceless people, the families you ruined… All that blood… but…”
He held your stare, waited for any signal that you would be making the wise choice and leaving him any time soon. All he saw in your eyes was the same thoughtfulness, and something else. Something he always saw in your eyes, but that became more evident when you smiled at him.
“I have thought about this, and in the past you have hurt me so much, but I don’t want to leave you, to live without you. I love you, Dazai. I loved you for a long time, and even when I wished I didn’t, I still loved you.”
Dazai stared, inhaled and then gave you a serious look.
“... What?” You asked, a bit worried that you had said anything wrong.
“Just checking if you hit your head on the bed’s headboard too much due to last night’s activities.”
You huffed and pushed him away; it was enough to send him rolling off the bed and to the ground. He could hear you quietly swearing, but he knew your face was red now. Just as shy as always, it made it so worth his time teasing you.
He laughed to himself as you left the bed and went to the bathroom, but still stared at the ceiling thoughtfully.
To think that someone was that attached to him, when he could still go back to old habits so easily… It was a scary thought. A storm would come and he knew he still could hurt you, hated himself for that, wanted to put a bullet in his own head before that happened.
He thought about all the women he had asked to commit a double suicide with him, and then thought about you again.
He didn’t mind dying, but if it was for you, if it was to be with you… then he would rather live.