Chapter Text
Shane was very nervous. He was not sure if he would be welcome once he got to Ilya's house or if Cliff would even let him in. He just knew he needed to get there.
Thank god for the weirdly timed shoot his mother arranged for him. He was not happy to be in Boston in the first place but right now he is thanking whoever is up there deciding on his fate. They may have never been officially together, but Shane did care about Ilya. He was important to him, and fuck he... he even loved him, he was sure.
Now all he had to do is get to Ilya's house and somehow find the courage to get in there and, well, talk. He can do that. Right? He is a grown man, he did way scarier things, and he absolutely can do this.
He absolutely won't spiral about how Ilya probably doesn't wanna see him anymore, or how he probably is in a bad state because of a stomach bug or something, not because he misses Shane. He is getting ahead of himself. No no no!
Being in his head spiraling, meant he arrived at Ilya's house almost immediately. He didn't even realise he knew the way here so well. He parked the car in a more secluded spot and just waited. He was nervous, yes, but he had to be brave. If not for himself, then for Ilya.
He put his head on the steering wheel and took deep breaths. In for 3,2,1 and out for 3,2,1.
Feeling a bit calmer he got out of the car. He knew the code and since he was expecting Ilya to be sleeping when he arrived,he didnt wanna disturb his sleep, so he just opened the door.
The house was silent. He could see Ilya lying asleep on the couch. He slowly went into the kitchen not wanting to disturb Ilya.
He wanted to decompress and calm further so he decided to make some tea while waiting for Ilya to wake up.
He logically expected Cliff to be here but since he didnt immediatly saw him when he entered his body was unsuspecting of another person present in the home.
"Oh you got to be kidding me!"
Shane almost dropped the tea packets from his hands, he turned around to find Cliff looking at him.
"Hi" said Shane. He was not exactly worried about Cliff's reaction to him being a man but rather to him being HIM.
He decided he can still make the tea and talk to Cliff so he turned on the kettle.
He didn't know exactly what to do with his hands so he just tried to introduce himself.
"Hi, i am Shane." And he offered to shake Cliff's hand.
"I know who you are Hollander." Shane he winced at his own stupidity. Of course Cliff knew who he was.
They looked at each other for a while in silence. Shane felt weirdly at home in this kitchen. He looked at everywhere but at Cliff's face. He was trying to avoid the elephant in the room but he was sure they had to talk sooner or later.
He lifted his head from the very interesting spot he found on the floor tiles and tried to make eye contact.
"Is he mad at me?" Shane asked with sudden braveness in his voice. Cliff was not someone he wanted to have this discussion with but since he was there for Ilya and took care or him he seemed like the best option.
"He is mad at himself. I dont want to say too much because this is a discussion you two need to have but he is blaming himself Hollander. He told me that his Jane didn't care about him and he said he was unloveable. I don't know what led you to break up with him or leave but please be gentle with him, and if you can't, just leave."
Shane had tears in his eyes by then. He was not expecting Ilya to blame himself. Up until now all he knew or believed he knew was that Ilya didn't want him. Shane was just another hook up in a different city for him. This though, Cliff's words, it was different to what he expected.
He wiped the tears from his eyes and turned towards the kettle on the counter just so he didn't have to make eye contact with Cliff anymore. He didn't want to be seen crying by him.
He picked up two mugs and poured the tea. He was still trying his best to not look at Cliff. His mind was racing through every possible outcome and reason. He needed to collect himself if he was finally gonna talk with Ilya. What was he supposed to say?
Okay he can start with Rose. They were not together anymore, otherwise he would not be here. Well wouldn't he? He for sure cared about Ilya, that Shane needed to make sure Ilya knew. That was important. Oh god he was gone. He liked Ilya way too much.
All of a sudden he heard the sound of bare feet moving towards the kitchen. And Shane heard his voice, oh god how much has he missed hearing that voice.
"Marly are trying to cook something? You put me to sleep just so you can burn down my house?"
Ilya came into his view, barely awake and a tired mess but still the same beautiful boy. It broke his heart so see Ilya like this.
Ilya's eyes met with Shane's and the world fell quiet.
Shane saw a movement on his peripheral, Cliff was trying to get out of the kitchen. Just as he was about to walk out Ilya held his arm, squeezing it almost, preventing him from leaving.
Cliff pulled Ilya's hand off. "I think you two need to talk. Ilya i will be just in the living room, okay? I am not leaving. Don't worry."
Ilya looked between Cliff and Shane, trying to decide and he finally nodded towards Cliff.
Finally Shane and Ilya were alone in the kitchen. Neither spoke for a few minutes, just looking at each other.
Finally it was Ilya who broke the silence. "Why are you here?"
"I... Marlow texted me."
"I know, but why did you come?"
"Because Ilya, i care about you! Okay? You may have not wanted me, but-"
Ilya held up his hands, not expecting Shane's words.
"Wait, wait, I didn't want you? What are you talking about?"
"Ilya last time I was here you talked about all the girls you were fucking, telling me how i am just convenient for you, just one more person to fuck!"
Shane yelled, exasperated with Ilya's question.
"I didn't mean it like that."
"THEN WHAT DID YOU MEAN!?"
"I was trying to ask if you were seeing someone else too."
Now it was Shane's turn to be shocked. He threw his hands up.
"You idiot! How was i supposed to understand that? Why didn't you say anything else?"
There were tears welling up in Shane's eyes now. He was sad and angry, both at Ilya and at himself.
"I don't know Shane, i thought you understood and just didn't wanna stay with me. I thought you didn't like me like that."
Shane was yelling at this point.
"OFCOURSE I LIKE YOU! You were the one who pushed me away all these years whenever i tried to have anything more than a hook up. Oh my god, i can't believe you!"
Shane was properly crying now. His breathing was getting faster and faster.
Ilya tried to walk towards Shane, intending to hug him, not knowing what to do with himself and this stupid misunderstanding.
"Don't touch me!" Shane yelled, causing Ilya to freeze in his place. Shane was heaving now, trying to collect himself. He put one hand on the counter not wanting to collapse.
Catching his breath a bit Shane lifted his head and looked directly at Ilya's eyes. He needed Ilya to understand these particular words especially.
"I am gonna go outside for a bit-"
Ilya's eyes grew and he opened his mouth wanting to stop Shane this time.
"No no, Ilya. I am gonna go outside and come back so we can have a conversation. But right now i need to be outside."
Shane walked at a fast pace and shut the door after himself.
Shane couldn't reach his car before his knees gave up so he just sat at the step in front of the door. He put his head on his knees and cried for a while.
He wanted to get everything out of his system before he went inside because when he returned he was going to get Ilya back. He was not leaving before whatever the fuck caused this was resolved. Shane couldn't let Ilya get like this again.
After about 10 minutes he took a deep breath and stood up. He wiped his face with the palms of his hands and put in the door code.
When he got inside Cliff was the only one in the living room. This meant Ilya was still in the kitchen waiting for him to come back.
He walked past Cliff and went into the kitchen. Ilya was still standing in the same spot he left him. He was still there waiting, not moving an inch. Shane walked in front of Ilya and finally, after months of being separated, hugged him.
Shane could feel Ilya collapsing into his arms. Ilya was crying into his shoulder, shaking. Shane coming back made him feel way too vulnerable. In any normal circumstance, Ilya would have hated that, but right now this felt like heaven. Being in Shane's arms was all he needed.
When his sobbs finally came to a stop, he lifted his head.
"Shane, I am sorry. I am so sorry Shane."