Chapter Text
“Kindness is the most dangerous weapon. Not out of malice, but negligence and naivety.”
Those words kept ringing in Mayoi’s head even after that Sweets Fan Club meeting. It was an answer, but it led Mayoi to many more questions.
How does kindness become a weapon? And why is Tatsumi dangerous for it?
Mayoi knows that sometimes Tatsumi’s philanthropy leads to self-sacrificial means. What happened in Reimei bears witness to that. Sometimes it also comes up whenever he was with ALKALOID. He never changed, it seems.
But what does HiMERU mean by saying he should be careful? As if Mayoi was in danger? If not, Tatsumi should be the one being careful. His kindness already got him into grave situations, ones that Mayoi does not want to happen to him again.
Or, if he was referring to what happened to him and Tatsumi before…
He understands HiMERU’s concern. But… Mayoi doesn’t seem to mind if history rhymes. Not because he wants Tatsumi hurt, but out of his desire to protect his friends at all costs.
Maybe this time, he could have prevented the negative consequences of it all. Maybe he could change the course of fate.
But more than that, the other half of what HiMERU said is what struck Mayoi the most.
Kindness that is not out of malice, but of negligence and naivety… Negligence? He gets the naivety. Certainly, young Tatsumi was ideal… it was a beautiful dream, a world where no one is looked down upon, and everyone is equal. He dreamt of that as well in the echoing hallways of his childhood home. However, a 16 year old could not just change the world all by himself.
But… negligence?
Is there something Tatsumi was missing? Or he is missing?
“Mayo-san!” Mayoi snapped out of his thinking as he heard Aira’s voice above him. He jumped at his booming voice before wiping his forehead of sweat. “We’ve been calling you! Are you too tired to stand up?”
Mayoi sighed as he looked up at them, Hiiro and Aira looking down in concern. “Umu, if you’re too tired to stand, Mayoi-senpai, I can carry you to the cafeteria!”
“A-ahh…! N-no need…!” The purple senior shakes his hand in front of them, as well as his head. “I-i’m not tired… I’m… I’m just thinking about what we achieved today and what… what we could do moving forward, especially for tomorrow’s training…”
“Even in break time, you still think of that.” Tatsumi walked up to them as Mayoi stood up. He wiped his neck, dripping with sweat. Despite the training being extra rigorous today, Tatsumi still looked so serene and bright. “Can our hardworking mentor take a break with us, perhaps?”
“I-i’m sorry…! I… It’s definitely disrespectful for me to not respect break times…” Mayoi deflated at that, making Tatsumi smile reassuringly at him. “No need to ask for apologies, Mayoi-san. Although, please rest your mind just for a moment. The training plan for tomorrow could wait.”
“My stomach can’t, though!” Aira interjected, his hands on his hips. “Let’s go!”
“I heard they have some new foods, Aira. Would you like to try them with me?” Hiiro asked him as he was dragged by Aira towards the door.
“As if you would. After thinking for a long time, you would just order Omurice.”
“I think I could try a new food if you try it with me, Aira!”
“Why do you need me to try it with you!? …ugh! Fine. But if I don’t like it, you’ll eat it all!”
“...and what if I don’t like it either?”
Aira lets out a confused noise. “Wha—” He groans. “I-i don’t know…! So make sure you pick something either of us will like!”
“Of course! I wouldn’t want Aira to dislike what I pick.”
The blonde stuttered at that, “Y-you better live up to that! You’re the one who pulled me into this anyway.”
Mayoi silently watched them as he followed their two juniors. He slightly jumped as he heard a warm chuckle behind him.
“Even after such a vigorous activity, their spirits are still up.” Tatsumi fondly commented, smiling at the sight of Hiiro and Aira walking ahead of them. “Ahh… the energy of the youth…”
“You talk like you aren’t a teenager yourself, Tatsumi-san…” Mayoi could only snicker in amusement; even if Tatsumi was young, he talked like he had already spent years ahead of all of them.
“Ah… that certainly is a fact, Mayoi-san.” Tatsumi scratched his nape, smiling shyly. “But it cannot be denied that their energy is far from ours… especially at this age…”
“We’re only one to two years older than them, Tatsumi-san.” Mayoi giggled, finding the conversation lightening him up after his earlier thoughts.
Tatsumi let out a snicker, shaking his head. “Two years could crucially change a person, Mayoi-san.”
Then that lightness just dropped into something heavy, creating a deafening silence.
It was a simple observation. It could even be innocent. Mayoi could not deny that, yes, mental age is a fickle and weird thing. Especially in their age range, the maturity of a 16-year-old is way different from that of an 18-year-old.
But both of them knew those two years brought more than just the natural maturity phase of a teenager. More than any teenager should have experienced or witnessed.
Silence permeated between them as they walked, the chattering of their juniors serving as a buffer to keep it from becoming as awkward as it slowly transformed into. Tatsumi cleared his throat, cutting it before it became significant. “I’m sorry, I did not mean to make it heavy. Please don’t deepen the implications of that.”
Mayoi shook his head and looked at Tatsumi. “It’s fine, Tatsumi-san. I get what you mean.” He looked forward as they walked through the hallways. “It makes sense why you are far more mature than what’s expected at your age. It doesn’t hurt to acknowledge what made you so wise now.”
Tatsumi chuckled at that, yet it seemed… strained. Almost self-deprecating. “Experience does not necessarily equal wisdom, Mayoi-san. It’s what… you have taken away despite your experiences.”
“...and I’m far from wise. I’m… as naive as everyone. I still am a teenager after all.”
Negligence and naivety.
It rang in Mayoi’s head again. HiMERU’s voice and words.
That’s exactly the problem.
Mayoi takes a deep breath and sighs before looking at Tatsumi. “D-don’t discredit what you have learned from your experiences, Tatsumi-san. It certainly helped ALKALOID keep our heads above water back in MDM. Your knowledge of the industry made it slightly easier to navigate and cope with what happened to us.”
Tatsumi closed his eyes and smiled. “I still cannot believe that we managed to get ourselves off the storm…” He murmured under his breath. “When I was in the hospital, I thought I’d be there, stuck forever, repenting my sins for all of eternity.”
Then he turned to him, his smile changing aura as he spoke. Or so Mayoi thinks.
“But I am glad it’s you, Mayoi-san.” His purple eyes gazed at Mayoi, soft and gentle as they always were. “I’m glad it’s ALKALOID who found me again.”
“I could never ask for more. It’s a miracle I was graced by understanding unitmates.” Tatsumi closed his eyes and sighed, “Despite what happened, people still believed I could change… I could be better.”
Yet when he opened his eyes, there was a stroke of sadness that passed before shaking his head. Mayoi saw it, and he had a hunch about what it could be.
“Alas, we could only turn things around for so much.” Tatsumi almost whispered to himself, but due to their proximity, Mayoi could hear it clearly.
Mayoi looked at him in concern. How could he even approach this? He knew HiMERU was an important friend in his life, despite their past. He could never attempt to fathom how much was wasted due to a disaster that they did not deserve to experience, and how they could even rebuild it.
But what Mayoi knows is that he does not want Tatsumi to feel he did not deserve a second chance.
“I know it’s hard for you, Tatsumi-san. Especially if you care about someone.” Mayoi looked down, taking a deep breath to gather some courage. “But I know you. You always want things to change for the better.”
“It’ll pass… or there will be a way that… you two could talk again. At least, some closure if there’s no turning back.” Mayoi sighs, “I just don’t want you to… feel guilty of everything. Of every action of anyone that you don’t have control over.”
Then he looked up, smiling, hoping it could reassure Tatsumi. “I’m also thankful that you’re with us, Tatsumi-san. You’ve never failed to guide us. In turn, we could only be your shelter in the storm.”
Tatsumi looked at Mayoi, his gentle smile returning. “Thank you, Mayoi-san.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “You always find words to keep my chin up. As expected of the mother of ALKALOID.”
Mayoi immediately flushed at that as he shook his head. “W-what…!? N-no…! Tatsumi-sannn…! Y-you should not speak that out loud in public!”
Tatsumi chuckled at that as he wrapped his fingers around Mayoi’s wrist. “Well, I needed to lighten the atmosphere again. We’re nearing the cafeteria.” He tugged on his arm as they entered the cafeteria, being busy as always around this time of the day.
“Are you teasing Mayo-senpai again, Tatsumi-senpai?” Aira called out finally, their little division slowly integrating with each other. “You know he would not recover until you stop.”
“Well, Mayoi-senpai and Tatsumi-senpai seemed to be serious earlier—”
“H-hiiro…!” Aira chided and then pushed Hiiro towards the counter. “Come on! Choose whatever new food you would like.”
“Umu, Aira! Hmmm… This steak seems delicious…”
Tatsumi smiled at the sight of the two, despite the obvious avoidance of what transpired between him and Mayoi. It was undeniable; the problem was starting to present itself very, very clearly.
Tatsumi only wanted the world to be fair.
Tatsumi always wanted the world to be fair.
Ever since he was a child, he knew the cruelty of humanity. The stain in the nursery room of his church always reminds him that if he had been born much earlier, he would not have had the same privilege he has now.
That’s why he fights for that fairness, even if it costs him 2 years of his life.
But what does that sacrifice mean when he dragged everyone down with him, especially someone close to him?
Tatsumi had expected their reunion to be difficult. He had prepared himself for awkwardness, for silence, perhaps even resentment. After all, it was not only he who was robbed of two years of productive life, but also HiMERU, Kaname.
But hatred?
That, he hadn't known how to prepare for. It seems… unfair.
He tried; he tried his best. He wanted to reconcile with HiMERU, know what happened during those two years, and at the very least, be on good terms, but if luck permits, be friends with him.
…if the situation had permitted back in Reimei, they could have just been friends, worrying about studying instead of planning their inevitable end.
But it seems the world has its punishment for him.
No reconciliation, not even closure.
HiMERU just… despises him.
After what happened in Love☆Star, he came to realize that things are not healing with time. The wounds were still there, and it was seeping into every interaction they had.
Every distance felt like it was growing, every exchanged smile was out of keeping face, and the room they shared always felt suffocating. And it always goes unacknowledged, never to be mentioned.
It was an uncomfortable status quo, one that Tatsumi has a hard time swallowing.
Does it need to be like this?
Does it need to be always like this?
Tatsumi’s answer is no.
He could not bear to see his friend deliberately avoid him. He did not even mind if he would berate him, scream at him, and tell him he failed him back in Reimei. He did not even mind when he looked at him as if he wanted to strangle him.
He deserved that. He has not been punished yet for his sins against HiMERU.
But what he could not bear to see was the growing rift between them. Not acknowledging the lack of closure on what happened back on Reimei was much more concerning than facing the truth.
HiMERU may hate him now; he could feel it every time he looked into his eyes. But no one will be at peace when he does not acknowledge the elephant in the room, the conversation waiting for two years already.
Especially him, especially after realizing what he was running away from.
So he thought that since that last shoot for Love☆Star, the problem could not be pushed away anymore with mere professionalism. It was a wound he was tasked to mend. It was a rift he needed to bridge again. At least, for the peace of both of them.
Thus, he tried.
He had tried to speak with HiMERU. More than once.
He had apologized where he thought an apology was due.
He had offered his hand whenever he thought it might be accepted.
Yet every attempt seemed to push HiMERU further away.
Perhaps he was simply doing it wrong. Perhaps he was approaching him much less sincerely.
But there’s been no progress, not even an inch, for the past few days. If anything, the rift grows, the wounds bleed.
Should he just… ask? Should he just get straight to the point?
Or would that only make the distance between them much larger?
Tatsumi sighs, finally acknowledging his surroundings.
“You know you could dip it in the sauce, right?” Aira takes a bite of his Katsudon while looking at Hiiro, who is still approaching the new dish carefully.
Hiiro, looking at his tempura, dipped it in some sweet vinegar sauce and took a bite. He hummed in thought, “It became less intense with the fried flavor! Come, try it, Aira!”
“Eh…!? I’m trying to eat less! You like it, right? Just eat it on your own…”
Tatsumi smiled before looking at Mayoi, whom he caught staring. “How’s your food, Mayoi-san?”
Mayoi looked at him, blinking, before shifting his gaze to his chicken. “It’s delicious… Niki-san is behind the counter again, after all.”
“Ah… he still works here? I thought being an idol would make him busier…” Tatsumi mulled it over as he took a bite of his grilled fish.
“Well, maybe it’s his hobby. He always says to me he'd rather be a cook than an idol.” Mayoi took a bite of his food, chewing silently.
As Tatsumi looked away, his eyes caught the sight of a familiar blue among the crowds. He followed it as HiMERU walked toward a table.
Mayoi, silently observing Tatsumi since he had gone silent and slightly unresponsive earlier, followed his gaze when he fell silent again. His purple eyes landed on the sight of HiMERU just across the cafeteria. He glanced at Tatsumi, who was staring at him, before returning to his food.
Then, Tatsumi shook his head before returning a smile; it was just in time that Aira called out to him.
“Tatsun-senpai, since Anzu-san recommended getting you familiar with our idol account, what do you say we record a video of you later for our fans?”
Tatsumi sparkled at that idea, despite not being used to the current technology. “That’s a good idea, Aira-san. Although you need to assist me… technology of today is certainly not my expertise.”
“You’re only three years older than me, right, Tatsun-senpai? How are you able to not be familiar with, like, a phone when you were the same age as me?”
Tatsumi only chuckled, “It’s a matter of experience, Aira-san. I never really needed much of that when I was in school… and certainly not in the hospital. But if it is necessary, I am willing to learn, of course.”
“Hmm… I could never imagine not using a phone… but I guess that’s what makes Tatsun-senpai mysterious, like idols should be. Lovely~!”
The table of ALKALOID was filled with chatter. Mayoi, on the other hand, was monitoring the change in demeanor from Tatsumi as his eyes darted back to HiMERU on the other side of the room.
After a while, HiMERU stood up from his chair and started walking away. At the same time, ALKALOID had concluded the day to spend their afternoon on other work.
“Aira-san, could that recording be a little later? I need to catch up on… something.” Tatsumi looked at everyone. Mayoi could see his eyes were looking at them and somewhere, probably to the retreating sight of HiMERU
“Oh, right!” Aira let out a yawn. “I’ll take a nap first, then. I’ll call you, Tatsun-senpai!”
“Hmm… I still need to finish that homework, though.”
“I’ll help you, Aira!”
“Have a rest, everyone.” Mayoi reminded them, silently darting his eyes between Tatsumi and HiMERU. Aira and Hiiro bid their goodbyes as they all separated.
As Tatsumi separated himself from the group, Mayoi went the other way, but still following Tatsumi with his gaze. When he was a little distance away, he started following him silently, taking other shortcuts when he needed to.
Then, he found them, Tatsumi and HiMERU, in the middle of the hallway. He hid himself in one of the doors of the fire exit and listened closely.
"HiMERU-san, do you have a moment?"
“What do you want?”
"I wanted to ask if we could talk."
"About?"
Silence.
"About the past."
Mayoi bit his lip and gripped the edge of the door tighter. He felt his heart pounding. It was not even his conversation; why was he nervous?
"There is nothing to discuss."
Mayoi felt a gasp escape his lips; he hoped they did not hear it.
"There must be."
"Why?"
"Because we have not spoken about it."
"And you think speaking about it will change anything?"
Another stretch of silence.
"No. Perhaps not. But I don't think pretending nothing happened will make things better either."
And another.
"If it’s about what happened, I am sorry. I know you wouldn’t forgive me. I understand, but please, let’s just talk."
A longer one. Mayoi felt his lungs burning.
"You don't even know what you're apologizing for."
Mayoi heard footsteps slowly fading away. It prompted him to take a peek. He saw Tatsumi, staring into the distance, his face unreadable, but his lips were downturned.
Then, he let out a groan, his hands flying towards his bad leg.
Mayoi’s eyes widened as he immediately opened the fire exit door wide and rushed to Tatsumi’s side.
“Tatsumi-san…!” He supported him, slowly pulling him down to the floor to ease his leg. Tatsumi hissed in pain, taking deep breaths as he leaned on the wall.
"Ah... Mayoi-san. I didn't realize you were there." Tatsumi looked at him, looking apologetic about his state. “I’m sorry you had to see me like this… It’s not very appropriate…”
“N-no… It’s not about that, Tatsumi-san… Don’t apologize about this.” Mayoi looked at the leg and Tatsumi. “M-may I?”
Tatsumi only nodded as Mayoi started massaging his aching leg. “Tell me if it hurts…” He worked his muscles, hoping it would make him better.
After a while, Tatsumi’s breathing evened out. He let out a sigh, sitting back against the wall much better. “Thank you, Mayoi-san… You’re always there whenever I need it…”
“N-no…! It must be weird and creepy that I got here immediately…!” Mayoi was looking away in embarrassment.
“Does that mean you have seen what transpired earlier, Mayoi-san?”
Mayoi froze at that. He felt very, very wrong about nodding, but it was the honest truth.
Tatsumi only chuckled, although it carried a guilt he always carried within himself. “How pathetic…”
Before Mayoi could retort something about himself, Tatsumi spoke up immediately. “You saw that I tried, right, Mayoi-san?”
Mayoi silently nodded, prompting Tatsumi to sigh.
“I thought that perhaps if I apologized enough, he might eventually forgive me."
Silence hung over them.
"...Tatsumi-san... would you like me to help?" Mayoi looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed with concern.
Tatsumi looked down, blinking as he mulled it over. “No, Mayoi-san…” He gulped. “This is something HiMERU and I should resolve ourselves.”
Mayoi blinked at that before nodding.
He’s right; it’s their problem to overcome. Only they know what happened and their own perspectives.
This was not his story. It was not his past, nor his pain, nor his relationship to mend.
“I-i-i’m sorry, Tatsumi-san. I-i shouldn’t have—”
“Please don't apologize either.” Tatsumi's voice was gentle. He smiled, though there was little warmth behind it. “You were only trying to help.”
Mayoi looked at him, frozen at his words. Despite overstepping, Tatsumi still forgives him… understands him… as if he’s the one who needs it right now.
He takes a deep breath. “T-then... what are you going to do?”
Tatsumi lets out a sigh, looking away from him. “I suppose... I will wait.”
“Wait…?” Mayoi looked at him, confused.
“Until HiMERU-san is ready to speak with me.”
That’s when it struck Mayoi.
“Kindness is the most dangerous weapon. Not out of malice, but negligence and naivety.”
How much time is Tatsumi willing to wait? How much patience would he sacrifice just to not risk anything? How much hurt is he willing to endure because he waits for HiMERU to finally be brave?
If he were being honest. He can’t stand Tatsumi physically hurting because of this. He can’t stand HiMERU ignoring the problem either. He couldn’t bear to witness the tension between both of his friends continuing until someone breaks. Waiting is not concrete; it’s not guaranteed. They could go on for eternity just running away from the problem that needs to be addressed.
Apologizing is not sufficient for HiMERU; moving on without any closure is not what Tatsumi wants.
Neither of them knows what the other wants from them.
Nor does Mayoi.
But he knows there’s only one way to know.
“Tatsumi-san...” Mayoi looked at him, his lips in a taut line.
Tatsumi looked up at him, smiling gently. “Yes?”
“I won't try to fix this for you.”
Tatsumi blinked.
“But...” Mayoi swallowed. “If you still want to talk to him, then... I can help you get the chance to.”
He’s not going to fix the problem himself. But he will not sleep at night when he knows his friends are having trouble.
Tatsumi was silent for a while before he smiled. “You really are too kind, Mayoi-san.”
Mayoi’s eyes widened. “N-no! That's not—!”
He felt a hand on his, making him calm down slightly. “Thank you, nonetheless.”
Mayoi gulped, nervously scratching his chin. He lets out a sigh and helps Tatsumi up. “Are you better now, Tatsumi-san?”
“As good as new, Mayoi-san. Thank you again.” Tatsumi smiled at him. “I hope I did not bother you. Where were you going?”
Mayoi flushed at that question. He scrambled for an answer. “J-just… just walking around to rest.”
Tatsumi, seemingly satisfied with that answer, said, “I see.” He looked at the clock on the wall. “Aira-san might need me now to record that video. Are you fine walking alone?”
Mayoi nodded. “Y-yes, I’m fine. How about you, Tatsumi-san?”
Tatsumi shook his head. “No need. My leg feels better now… and… I need some time…”
Mayoi nodded in understanding. “Please be careful, Tatsumi-san…” He looked at him with concern. Tatsumi only smiled. “Don’t worry, Mayoi-san. I’ll take care.”
“You always look out for people. I can never thank you enough.”
Tatsumi turned around, walking in the opposite direction.
Mayoi stood there, thinking of what had just transpired.
Maybe he was; maybe he was always looking out for people. Maybe too much.
That’s why he got involved in a problem that was never his.
It was dangerous. He might make it worse himself. He might be the reason they wouldn’t reconcile ever.
If they could resolve it themselves, wouldn't they have done so already?
It was a dangerous thought. Perhaps it was arrogant to think that he could do what the two of them couldn't.
But Mayoi wasn't trying to solve their relationship. He didn't know enough to do that.
He didn't know what happened in Reimei. He didn't know what HiMERU had lost, nor what Tatsumi had spent those two years carrying.
He couldn't decide who was right.
He couldn't decide who was wrong.
But perhaps they don't need someone to make them forgive each other.
They just need someone to help them speak.
And for now, maybe that was enough.