Chapter Text
My fingers twitch and I feel the familiar silk of my bed sheets underneath them. My eyes slowly flutter open but everything is blurry at first. I blink a couple of times until the room finally comes into focus.
I glance around and my gaze stops at Jude. She is sitting in a wooden chair padded with velvet next to her desk, always scattered with papers. There are candles lit around her but due to the lack of windows it is hard for me to estimate the part of the day, let alone the specific time. She is staring at the documents and letters in front of her but her gaze is unfocused, as though only her body was present here, her mind somewhere else completely.
The recent revelations come back to me. The attempt on our life, Jude going to confront Wren and Bogdana by herself, how I was responsible for evacuating people and then finally me losing consciousness in the palace after the stitches gave out. That would explain the throbbing pain in my chest and head.
I eye Jude again, more carefully this time, searching for any sign of an injury but apart from the dark circles under her eyes she seems well. I try to estimate how many hours I have been unconscious. Jude being awake isn't any indication, especially that she looks as if she hasn't slept since her return to the castle, which is very probable. She is wearing a simple blue dress which could mean she recently came back from a meeting but given the betrayal and the hostility of the Living Council it could be midnight as well as noon.
As if sensing my gaze Jude snaps back from her thoughts, her eyes meeting mine.
"You're awake." She says impassively. I smile, cocking my head to the side.
"I was hoping for a more warm greeting. Preferably a one that includes a kiss." I say, my voice raspy from not using it. Her cloudy expression remains which makes me wonder about the outcome of the encounter."Is Oak all right?" I ask, although I know that she wouldn't be so stoic if it was otherwise.
To my relief she nods and proceeds to fill me in on what had happened during her absence. I listen carefully but fail to find a thing that would cause the foul mood of her, since I highly doubt Wren's indisposition would cause such an affliction for her. Maybe this is about what has transpired with Oak? We still haven't had a chance to discuss it and is has been nagging Jude for a couple of weeks already.
In preparation for this surely emotional and challenging conversation I ask Jude to pour me a glass of water as due to the hours I've spent on my slumber and the remaining salt in my bloodstream I cannot get rid of the itching sensation in my throat. She hands me the glass, avoiding eye contact. After I return in, she places it back on the table next to the rest of the carafes with various beverages, not uttering a word to me.
I frown. I understand she is distraught but it is unusual for her to act this cold towards me. Even when she doesn't feel like sharing some of her torments with me, as rare as it is nowadays, she simply acts as if nothing has happened. I don't see why she would be this distant, even after taking everything she has been through in the last few weeks under consideration. Quite the opposite, actually, I would expect her to seek solace in my arms.
And then it hits me.
"Are you mad at me?" The disbelief is clear in my voice.
As if she was waiting for that question Jude whirls around, clenching fists at her sides.
"What do you think, Cardan? You recklessly threw yourself in front of rushing blades and got hurt in the process. Do you want me to congratulate you on your foolishness?" I stare at her dumbfounded, feeling my own anger building up.
"My foolishness? I saved your life, Jude." I hiss through my clenched teeth.
"We have knights for that." She replies coldly which only fuels my frustration.
"And where were your knights then? Because surely they weren't eager to help you." She is quiet for a moment, gaze glued to the ground and just as I think I've manage to bring her to her senses, she speaks again.
"It still wasn't your job. You are The High King, Cardan. You can't just risk your life like this." I ignore the note of resignation in her voice, too focused on the words that came out of her mouth. Can she even hear herself? How can she bring me down to my title, Jude of all people, acting as if I was one of her pawns and not her husband, her partner that loves her for god's sake.
"Oh, pardon me, I failed to realize that I was talking to The Living Council and not my wife." I don't try to conceal the jab in my words. Neither of us speaks for a while, Jude's eyes scanning our bedroom, looking everywhere but in my direction. I use the time to collect myself. The last thing I want is for my emotions to get ahead of me and say something I will regret later. I have had enough of that for a lifetime.
"All I am doing is telling the truth. It was reckless and dangerous, and not your job. There is no need to be so bitter about it." I take a deep breath. She really knows how to push my buttons.
"So what are you suggesting exactly? That I should have just stand there and let you die?" I try to reason with her again. Because she has to realize how ridiculous she sounds.
"You're twisting my words."
"That is what would have happened if I didn't do anything, and you know it, Jude. And how do you think that would make me feel?" She looks at me with new ferocity.
"And how do you think I felt when you collapsed next to me with a knife in your chest? When for a terrifying couple of minutes I thought I am going to lose you. Because of me." Her voice breaks and she drops her gaze but not quick enough for me not to notice the tears glistening in her eyes.
So this is what it was all about.
Now I do feel like a fool for not seeing through her act earlier. The images of Jude's trembling hands, quickened breath and panicked gaze flood my brain. She was terrified and as rare as it is nowadays when alone, my wife still sometimes comes back to her old habit of hiding behind a carefully crafted mask of anger.
I lift the duvet, despite my body screaming at me for the sudden movement. Jude glares at me but there is no real anger in her eyes this time.
"Will you deprive your wounded husband of the pleasure of holding his wife in his arms?" I ask playfully. Jude walks over to the bed but not without rolling her eyes.
She settles next to me, mindful of my injury, laying her head on my shoulder instead of my chest. I close her in a tight hug, which she returns in an earnest, clinging to me as if I was about to vanish.
"I was so scared, Cardan." She whispers and I feel her hot tears on my skin.
"I know." I say against her hair because I do. The mere thought of the situation being reversed causes my stomach to knot. I thought I knew what fear was after it being my main companion through out my youth but, oh, how wrong I was. Not until I gave my heart to a certain mortal did I realize the capacity of the emotion. Especially that she has a particular fondness for danger.
I squeeze her harder and place a kiss on her head. That seems to be her breaking point as the tears start flowing heavily. I hold her through her emotions, softly brushing my fingers through her hair in hopes of soothing her, even if just a little. A couple minutes go by before Jude breaks the silence, having calmed down a bit.
"If you do something like that again, I'm going to stab you myself." I chuckle at her bossy voice. But the jolly atmosphere doesn't last long as the matter of Oak still remains unspoken and as much as I do not wish to further perturb Jude, it is obvious she needs to get it off her chest. Even if she is not yet aware of it then I surely am, especially after the outburst because as much as she loves me and was undoubtedly terrified, I am positive that what has transpired with Oak did not help her emotional turmoil.
"So now that it is settled, I believe it is appropriate to speak of another urging matter." There is no need for me to specify as Jude immediately tenses. I grab for her hand and bring it to my lips, planting soft kisses on her palm. "I hope you don't blame yourself for Oak's decisions, as you did with me." I say, despite knowing better. Jude sighs.
"It were not Oak's decisions that led him here but Madoc's. And mine for allowing them to have unsupervised contact. I knew what Madoc is like and yet I did not take any precautions."
"You took over an entire kingdom, Jude, making me your puppet king to ensure Oak's safety. If that is not a precaution then I don't know what is."
"Exactly. I did so much for him to be safe. I tore our family apart, risked their life, went against your wish to get away from the court and made you a center of it instead, which almost led to your death on multiple occasions and it was all for nothing."
"Fist of all, I am right where I want to be now, so you can check that off your list of things to blame yourself for. Second of all Oak is safe, Jude. He is alive and healthy with a family that would go to hell and back for him. He isn't exactly as careless as you thought him to be but, Jude, that probably have saved his life more than once. And it wasn’t his first time to kill somebody, after all. He was scheming and playing his own little game long before either of us realized. And for his sword ship, it saved all of us today. You tried to teach him that for years and I am aware that for a different purpose but…" I stop mid-sentence as Jude looks up at me in disbelief.
"Have you not seen him, Cardan? It is not simply that he learned how to fight. It was as if he turned off some part of his brain, as if he wasn't entirely there. I have fought many times throughout my life but never have I lost control of myself. Never." Her voice breaks again. I lift my hand and wipe her cheek, wet from the tears that started to flow again. "He looked like Madoc. He had the same expression, devoid of emotions that Madoc had when he killed my parents and the night he stabbed me. My little brother-" Jude doesn't finish her thought, covering her face as sobs tear through her body again.
I pull her against me, without giving much thought to my wound. Nothing hurts me as much as her pain.
"All I wanted was for him not to become like Madoc and me. For him not to have to make the same decisions as me. For him to have a childhood." She says between sobs.
"And you ensured him that. He spent his childhood years in mortal world, not having to experience the fright and violence we did. To this day he is surrounded by love and support by many people. All the decisions that you were forced to make, he made willingly."
"But he wasn't supposed to do that." Her voice comes out barely a whisper.
"Oak is an adult now. No matter how much you'd like him to remain a little boy he is a grown man. He is going to make his own choices according to his own opinions, ones that may not align with yours and ones he might one day regret. You've managed to protect him for long enough, Jude. I believe it is time to let go and trust Oak to take his life into his hands." When Jude doesn't reply for a while I start to wonder whether I shouldn't have saved the conversation after the emotions settle.
The topic of the need of control on Jude's behalf still tends to be brought up in our arguments. Despite convincing her that in order for our cooperation and relationship to work she needs to let me take some of the burden on my shoulders, my wife still wishes she could make the decisions for her loved ones. For their own sake obviously.
"Oak is smart, Jude. He managed to trick the whole court, us included, playing careless and oblivious to the things occurring around him. But that is not the case. He is perfectly capable of deciding upon his own life. You can try to control him in hopes of protecting him but he still will find a way to do what he deems to be right. You can either accept that and support him or ignore that and do it your way, which will lead to lies and, ultimately, more situations like the one today. We've been through this scenario before Jude. You know it doesn't end well." I attempt to convince her again, referring to the time she desperately tried to gain the upper hand over me.
"You're right. I know you're right." Jude says finally."I just want to spare him the choices he might regret in the future."
"As a person that made countless poor decisions when his age, I can assure you that I am beyond happy with where it has led me. Many things that I have done I still frown upon and if I could go back in time I would change my behaviour but in the end it turned out better than I could have imagined." Jude adjusts her head so my eyes meet hers and my heart skips a beat at the warmth in them.
To this day the fact that she loves me of all people fills me with amazement and joy so strong I thought it was impossible for me to experience. Our lips meet and I wipe off her remaining tears. When her tongue slips into my mouth I let out a quiet moan.
"I hate when you make sense." Jude mumbles mid-kiss. I chuckle and try to capture her lips again but she pulls back.
"You need to rest. I don't want Bomb to have to reapply your stitches again." I fall back against the pillows with an exaggerated huff.
"So cruel to your poor husband." Jude fixes me with a glare.
"You are anything but poor." I cannot suppress a grin that forms on my lips at her words. Despite the quip on her side I can't argue with her when she settles in my embrace because in this moment I feel like the richest man alive.
I am lulled to sleep by her steady breathing and the familiar weight of her body and just as I am about to fall back into slumber Jude's words snap me back from that state.
"I believe that means we should let Oak abdicate from his position as our heir." I freeze. Oak has been very clear about his attitude towards becoming the next ruler for years but his persistence in that matter was met with Jude's persistence to ignore it, convincing herself that he will change his mind. I did not expect this sudden change of heart on Jude's side, not until a few more years at least. Not hearing any response on my side she continues. "He should find his own path if being a king is not what he desires. I forced one person on the throne, doing it twice would be pushing my luck."
I digest the new information and what it means for us, both as rulers and as a couple.
"That leaves us without an heir." I state the obvious and now it is Jude's turn to tense. I immediately curse at myself for bringing it up. The last thing I want is to put any pressure on her. We've, obviously, had conversations regarding potential offspring but we both collectively decided that it is a discussion for further future. Bringing a child into this world is dangerous. Them being half-mortal and from a Greenbriar line just increases the risk.
But putting the succession aspects aside, it still leaves us with simply our will. I would never forgive myself if Jude went against herself in hopes of pleasing me or the court.
"We don't need to deliberate on it now. Or ever actually. I have told you this before and I am telling you this now. If we do not desire to have a child then we don't have to. Leave Elfhame to dwell on that once we are gone or bored with ruling." I jump to reassure her. Jude takes a deep breath, fidgeting with my bandage.
"I just don't know what I want. It isn't as simple as bringing another heir to this world. It would be our child, Cardan. We would become parents and I…I don't know whether I am ready for such a commitment." Jude admits.
"And that is perfectly fine, Jude. Apart from being rulers, we are real people with real lifes and, as I have tried to convince you for years, we have the right to prioritize our well-being instead of the kingdom's from time to time, especially when it comes to a matter like that." She hums which I take for agreement. "There are many many years ahead of us before we have to decide upon this subject. And if our answer is still no, then we will shift the responsibility to Oak." She snorts but her serious demeanor, appropriate for the topic, is quickly returned.
"I am not saying no. I'm saying not yet."
"We have plenty of time, darling." I place a soft kiss on the crown of her head. The truth is, as terrifying as the vision is, I can picture myself having a child in some distant future. Yet if that is not what Jude desires, then I will be beyond happy with spending the rest of my life with just her on my side. I already have more than I have ever dared to dream about.
Our conversation drifts to less significant topics. We exchange our thoughts regarding the further fate of Madoc, coming to conclusion that we will sleep more peacefully if was to return to the mortal world. I try to convince her to let me handle the mission to the Undersea with, as could have been expected, no effect. She then proceeds to complain about the awaiting interrogation of the remaining members of the Living Council and the necessity of choosing the next master of keys, listing possible candidates.
Somewhere in the midst of it all, I lose the track of the names, slowly drifting to sleep. The last thing I register before falling back into slumber are her fingers brushing my locks off my forehead, followed by a soft kiss and an 'I love you' whispered against my skin.