Chapter Text
ZANKA☆𓏲࣪ ˚
While I slept, the flashback of that last fight kept replaying in my mind: the sweat, the adrenaline, the venom coursing through my veins, and the way I never even came close to being strong enough to win tormented me and reminded me that I would be and continue to be a total failure, exactly the same way I felt in that pit. It was only then that I realized I never actually got out of that pit; I only had the illusion that I had. Eventually, I woke up with some rays of light shining on my face, but the feeling of inadequacy continued to torment me. However, I had already gotten used to this feeling, and honestly, it was even comforting to have it there. It didn't scream or hurt; it just existed and was there like a still mist, but the slightest movement would stir it.
Amidst thousands of thoughts, I remained lying down, staring at the white ceiling covered in small cracks, since the idea of moving didn't seem very appealing or exciting, even though my bladder was begging me to go to the bathroom. At some point while I was in this state, Stilza entered the infirmary, and from my bed, I could hear her fiddling with something, perhaps organizing something before starting work.
A while later, she came towards me with a needle in her hand and stopped beside the bed, saying something that was too muffled to understand. Then she sat me down so gently and respectfully that, compared to how that raider treated me, it seemed strange and undeserved. She gave me a small glass of water, but honestly, I didn't feel like drinking anything at that moment. Even so, she took the water and made me drink it; it burned as if it were some kind of alcohol in my throat. After that, she drew my blood with the needle she had brought with her (a fairly large amount, to be honest), and then she told me to rest, that she would bring food or something later, and I went back to sleep.
EISHIA☘ 𖥔 ࣪ ˖
After everything that happened the day before, I barely slept properly, mainly because I hadn't noticed anything different about him and was afraid of what I might do to myself. I ended up waking up a little before the sun's rays appeared, so I decided there was no point in trying to sleep again, so I got up and got ready for work. When I arrived at the infirmary, I tried to look at where Zanka was lying, but my body wouldn't obey me, perhaps out of fear of seeing that same image of him from last night, so I decided to just do my usual routine and then go see Nijiku.
As I mentioned, I followed my standard routine, which helped me organize my thoughts and remember what I should do initially in a situation like this. Then, I grabbed a syringe with a child-sized needle, designed for more fragile individuals.
"You can do it," I whispered to myself, gathering some courage before opening the curtains and seeing him just like yesterday.
I took a deep breath and walked over to him, asking some basic questions but receiving no answers. This was going to be more difficult and complicated than I had thought. Looking at his now brighter face, I could see his dry skin and slightly swollen eyes. Seeing this made me feel a slight pang in my heart because no one deserved to go through this, and the worst part was knowing that since Zanka arrived at the barracks, he had suffered from these relapses sometimes, but not as severely as now. I felt useless for not knowing how to help him.
But even so, she could take care of his physical health for now, and so I did. I drew some of his blood with a syringe to do some tests, and if things got too bad, I would ask my grandmother for help; she should know what to do in that kind of situation.
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My afternoon break was supposed to be here, and as usual, I would go out to eat and come back to sleep a little. However, I decided it would be better to stay by Zanka's side, and with that idea in mind, I got up from the table where I kept my patients' records and went to the kitchen. After walking for a considerable time and finally arriving in the kitchen, I went straight to the refrigerator and grabbed two drinks and a frozen meal, heated the food, and returned to the infirmary.
"Hi Zanka, I brought food for you too." I tried to sound confident, but my voice came out a little shaky; I put the food and drink on the nightstand next to the bed and went to get my chair to put next to his bed. .
I tried to give him some food, but he wouldn't even open his mouth. His expression didn't change at all.
"Zanka, I know this must be difficult for you, but I need you to try to eat something." She pleaded with him to eat since he hadn't eaten a single bite since he arrived there.
"I'm not hungry..." He spoke so softly and coldly, almost gruffly for not having spoken in a while. "You can go eat outside, I'm going back to sleep for just a little longer." I gave up, I couldn't help Zanka if he couldn't even help himself; I left the room and hurried to my brother's workshop and told him everything, I told him about Zanka's condition (something I hadn't told anyone yet to protect his privacy), I told him about thinking I could handle it all alone but couldn't; After telling him everything and starting to cry at some point during the conversation, I felt him hug me and he said almost inaudibly that everything would be alright.
"I'll ask Grandma for help. She'll know what to do." I got up from the floor where I had been sitting, wiping away the tears that still insisted on falling. .
"Good idea, I'll go with you to help you!!" My brother stood up quickly and spoke loudly, which made me panic a little since, for now, I wanted to keep as few people as possible from knowing about it.
–August, could you speak a little quieter? No one can know about this for now.
“Oh, okay, I'll stay quiet!” He's certainly trying his best to speak quietly, but I don't think that's really his strong suit.
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ZANKA ☆𓏲࣪ ˚
I woke up around noon, the sun was about to set, I lay looking out the window trying not to think about anything, but every now and then some routine thoughts of self-deprecation kept popping into my head; at that moment, looking at the landscape through the window, I felt a little peace or something like that, something I hadn't felt in a long time, and unfortunately it didn't last long, and again the thoughts that at some point in my life I had lost my worth insisted on returning in one way or another.
Before I could sink any deeper into these thoughts, the infirmary door opened. Reflexively, I glanced at the door and saw Eishia entering with her brother. After confirming who was coming in, I turned back to where I was to look out the window for some reason I don't even know, perhaps searching for something I could cling to, even if only for a few seconds of peace. At times, I saw Eishia shuffling some papers and August walking behind his little sister. This ironically reminded me of my own siblings. Life could be unfair sometimes, I thought, having flashbacks of my childhood and realizing that I had always been mediocre, even during my learning phase when I should have been at my peak or close to it. But instead, I was literally at rock bottom, holding my lovely assistant, who at the time was nothing more than a physical reminder of the humiliation I had suffered at my old school.
Eventually, the two siblings came towards me. Eishia seemed determined, even though she was obviously nervous; and August seemed almost the same as always, his voice was a little lower and more neutral, but to notice something so subtle you'd have to be at least sensitive to sound. Eishia sat down next to me on the bed, and August stood a few steps behind, holding some papers.
I felt the blonde girl touching my arms, lifting my shirt sleeves, running her hand over them and looking at my entire arm, which made me feel a certain anger at her even considering that I would do something like that; I pulled my arms away from her hands, this time with a little more force than before because of the care she's been giving me. I looked at her expression, and she seemed somewhat frustrated, so much so that she even let out a sigh, and then she quickly pulled off the sheet that was covering my legs. At that moment, my lungs gasped for air. They were just some scratches and older wounds that I refused to let heal, but given my history, this couldn't be taken as just a coincidence. I looked into her eyes, expecting disappointment or any kind of disapproval and contempt for having sunk to such a low level, but all I saw was the sad faces of both siblings.
However, before I could try to do anything, she grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bed. I tried to protest, trying to get out of her grip, but it was impossible. I didn't know where she got so much strength from. Her eyes were filled with tears that tried to escape, but she always wiped them away before they could. Her face was filled with anger, and because of that, I understood that I was going to be screwed. August walked a little further back, looking serious, but whenever I tried to turn around to look at him, he pretended to smile and asked if I was okay.
We continued walking through the barracks until we reached a part of the barracks that were unfamiliar to me. The corridors had white floors and light blue walls. There weren't as many windows as the rest of the barracks, and some of the few staff members we encountered along the way seemed to be doctors and nurses. Reaching the reception area, Eishia let go of me and went straight to the reception. I stood next to August a few steps away from the reception, but still close enough to hear her speak.
Good morning, I would like to register a patient who is under my care as admitted.
What? Hospitalization?
I walked towards the reception area; I needed to know what was going on and what this whole story about being admitted to the hospital was all about.
–Hospitalization? What are you doing, Eishia? Ignored
–Patient's name?
–Zanka Nijiku.
–Eishia, tell me what's going on. I tried to get closer to her, but some nurses stopped me and told me to calm down.
–age?
–17 years old .
She wouldn't even look at my face. Her expression was cold. I glanced towards August, and he just weakly looked away, but with that irritating smile.
–Medical history, please
That's why she was going through those papers; she wanted to bring me here ever since she saw me like that. I trusted her, and this is what happened!
I was about to speak when they put a mask on me. Gradually, my vision blurred, and my eyelids grew heavy. I don't remember when I fainted, and when I woke up, I was in a room lying on a not very comfortable bed; the room was white, and the walls seemed to be made of cushions. I slowly got out of bed, wearing typical hospital clothes. My head ached, and I seemed weak, but as the minutes passed, I started remembering everything that had happened. I was having a breakdown after hearing about the hospitalization, but I couldn't remember all the details, and anyway, that didn't matter now. I need to get out of this all-white place. Otherwise, I'll go crazy here.
With some heavy steps, I managed to reach the door, but just as I was about to open it, someone came in, and it was precisely the person I least wanted to see at that moment.
"Zanka, I can explain everything, I swear." She had that same pitiful expression she always had, but for some reason, at that moment, I felt angry at that expression. However, given the circumstances, I needed to know everything that was happening and have some control over my life, even if only by knowing what was happening to it at that moment.
I sat back down on the bed, which was still uncomfortable, and waited for her to start talking about everything that had happened to me these past few days.
She stood facing me, her hands trembling, and her mouth opening and closing as if trying to find the right words for that moment, although in that situation I certainly think it would be difficult to find the words. .
"I swear I tried to help you, I really tried these past few days." His voice began to sound tearful. I know I'm not okay, I know I'm not the confident Zanka that many people see anymore, I know I don't help myself, but having someone say they've given up on me still hurts... It hurts a lot.
"When August and I went to see you, we didn't expect to see those injuries. Initially, we had planned to take you to where my grandmother was. She looked away and was clenching her hands so tightly that I swore they were going to explode at any moment."
–However, in the health department of the barracks we have a very clear rule that if a patient develops psychological problems or more serious issues, we must go to the sectors that specifically deal with these cases… I had to do this, for your own good. Every word that comes out of her mouth makes me want to just scream and break everything, but all the adrenaline from earlier had already gone, and with it all my strength to do anything.
"I'm truly sorry, but I want to be able to see, even if just a little bit more, that Zanka who seemed to get better every day and was so strong in any situation." She bowed, but you could still see her smile, and that touched me a little, even though it was probably a lie. But still, hearing someone say he was strong wasn't something I expected to hear at that moment.
–Do you think I'm strong?
–one of the strongest in the barracks. Eishia thought I was strong somehow, I should have been happy to finally have someone who admired me, but all I felt was disappointment in myself for not being as strong as she said.
"Then get me out of here, I'll get better." Every word that came out of my mouth screamed a lie, but that didn't matter. I need to get out of this place because if I seemed bad before staying here, I'm sure it'll get worse, and I also don't want to worry everyone because I was a weakling who couldn't handle losing a damn fight.
"I'm truly sorry, but I can't take you away from here. This is for your own good." I approached her quickly; this couldn't be true. If being a mediocre cleaner was already a shame, being the crazy one in the barracks would be three times worse.
–Eishia, please, get me out of here! Why did you put me here?
I broke down. I cried like it was the last time, I screamed, and when I tried to get closer to her, she moved away, and that's when I realized she only saw me as another patient who had gone crazy.
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After the small episode I had, some nurses sedated me again, and I went back to sleep in that white room and on that uncomfortable bed. I don't remember when I woke up or what I did exactly, but I have a few flashes of being taken somewhere with other people, but that's not as important as being sent to a psychiatric ward where most people are there because they aren't strong enough, including me of course.
The days were passing more slowly than before, and I felt that each day, I was only getting worse, even though I was having regular sessions with the psychologist.
The people in that place were also very different; some were former cleaners, others were people rescued from attacks, and there were even people who had admitted themselves to the institution—everyone was strange in the end.
Eishia has been visiting me frequently; she helps me with many things, even though I have occasional flare-ups. Some other nurses also help me, and I understand that they do it because they want me to get better, but I can't; I'm not strong enough for that.
–Zanka, have you been eating these past few days? Some nurses told me you've been skipping meals. Is that true? I didn't answer. In fact, I've barely moved from my bed since I woke up.
–I told Enjin and the others on the team about the situation, and they said that when you get a little better, they'll come visit you. She smiled gently, a little crookedly, but that was the kind of smile that made you smile. Unfortunately, in the current situation, the most I could do was look at her.
–"I'll come here with August tomorrow," she said, getting up to leave. This was practically the daily routine: I'd wake up and lie down, get up to take my medicine, and go back to bed. Eishia would come, ask questions, update me on things, and leave. But now someone else was coming, and that didn't please me at all.
The next day, Eishia did exactly what she had said and took August with her, and honestly, he had been annoying from the moment he arrived. He was talking loudly and never left me alone, even when I let him talk to himself or refused to do something.
–Come on, Zanka, you're going to eat in the cafeteria today.
He said, and without giving me a chance to refuse, he pulled me by the arm and started walking out of the room. Eishia, behind me, laughed softly and at no point tried to stop her own brother from forcing a patient to do something I didn't want to do.
Arriving at the mess hall, it looked quite different from the room I was in; it was large and very colorful, the walls were covered in drawings, the place smelled of prepared food, and there were several people sitting at tables throughout the mess hall, from barracks personnel to people rescued from missions.
While August and I sat at an empty table, Eishia went to the back of the cafeteria to get the food. Returning to our table, she had a tray with three dishes in her hand.
–Finally the food arrived, I was starving! Before Eishia could even sit down, August was already getting the plates and placing them in front of everyone; the dish was simple, just rice with meat, but it made my stomach churn just thinking about eating it. I don't know how long I stood there staring at the plate, but August noticed and decided on his own that I wanted some kind of help.
–Hey Zanka, you're having trouble eating by yourself, aren't you? I'll help you, come here. He came closer to me, took my spoon, put food on it, and tried to get me to eat.
–Come on, you have to eat something, and this food is kind of crappy, but it's perfectly edible.
He yelled in my ear, and as if all that wasn't enough, he kept rambling on even though he sounded like a madman talking to himself. Little by little, I got more stressed, clenching my hands as if that could stop me from doing anything. Gradually, anger took over me, and when I realized it, I had already taken the plate from August's hand and started eating. Maybe that way he would stop yelling in my ear.
At first I was eating because of anger, but little by little it was replaced by a hunger I didn't even know I had. While I was eating, I saw August out of the corner of my eye, smiling as if he had just accomplished an impossible mission.
For the rest of the day, the two of them stayed around, and I was able to use some of the strength the food had given me to ask a few important questions.
–My jinki, my assistant, where is she? I was sitting on the bed while Eishia fixed my hair and August organized some of my belongings that they brought. I wanted to ask more about Lovely, but only one question managed to escape my lips.
–Generally, new patients who pose a risk to themselves and others around them have their jinki stored in a warehouse, but I'm taking care of her for you. This somehow relieved me; there are few cleaners I trust to take care of Lovely, and knowing that Eishia and Stavanger were taking care of her was a good thing, especially since just because he was a failure and completely careless didn't mean he would let his beloved jinki end up the same way.
–Do the others already know about my condition? My voice came out a little lower because I was afraid to know the answer. I had been there for almost two weeks and no one had come to visit me except for my two brothers; perhaps everyone had finally seen what a failed human being I am and had given up on me.
–Almost everyone in the barracks knows, but general visits haven't been allowed yet, so even if they wanted to come, they couldn't. August and I only managed to get in here because, according to his records, we're his caregivers. I should have imagined this would happen; I freaked out several times in the first few days and didn't even have the strength or will to take care of myself, but it still hurt to know that I had to have caregivers to do things for me.
Before I could get lost in increasingly worse thoughts, I heard a loud voice beside me.
–Hey man, don't worry, everyone at the barracks wants to see you, but unfortunately they can't yet. However, I'm sure they'll come when you're released. Although I didn't believe his words, I still have to thank August for simply not letting me think about anything for even a moment, since his voice overrides any thought.
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As the days went by, the two brothers continued to come at least three times a week to force me to do something, and eventually it became routine to eat meals, occasionally leave the room, and with the help of some nurses, I would take a shower. However, although outwardly I had improved, inside I still felt the same way, because even though I was taking care of myself and managing to find the strength to do what I hadn't done before, I still felt like crap and sometimes wondered if it wouldn't be better if I just stopped existing.
"You should be happy that you don't smell like rotten stuff anymore, we'll take care of the rest with time." That's what August told me after finding out I wasn't that happy yet, and in a way I think he's right. I should be happy and proud to be getting out of bed every day, but it's hard to do that when you've spent half your life feeling like a total failure.
When I told this to the psychologist, she recommended that I write compliments to myself in a notebook for every little thing I did throughout the day. I thought it was silly, but I decided to do it for a day. At the end of the day, I had two pages full of little compliments about what I had eaten, walking around the hospital, or simply for having written that. That night, while glancing through the pages, I felt a small spark of happiness. It wasn't much, but I think it's something compared to the beginning.