Chapter Text
III: Stars and Sun
That night, Ayabe dreamed.
It was a dream where life was fantastic, where she was beloved by all her friends and family because she was endlessly kind and generous, someone who was welcoming and warm and made everyone’s lives brighter for her existence. She dreamed that she had run dozens of races, winning most of them, but even the ones she had lost did nothing to damper her spirits because she was living her dream, and every day was worth celebrating.
It was a good dream.
It wasn’t her dream though.
The girl it was about looked like her down to the most minute detail, but this was someone who was simply not her. She was too kind, too loved, too everything that she wasn’t to be Admire Vega. This was a girl who went through life unburdened without knowing the price that her happiness entailed, and even if she did she’d…
…
It wasn’t Admire Vega, it never could be.
She was dreaming about the life she stole, a life that could have, would have, been better lived if only things had only been ever so slightly different.
It was a 50/50 shot, much like her races, one of them had to go, and no matter how many times she’s thought about it, she can’t help but think that the wrong twin won the coin flip.
000
Despite Ayabe’s own problems, the daily life of Tracen Academy went on as it usually did, undisturbed as the rest of the student body went about their daily lives, from their school work to their training. She knew that she should take notes from that kind of attitude, just being able to go on as if nothing had happened, but no matter what her thoughts would always go back to the argument with Opera O, as if it was an anchor point keeping her chained down no matter how much she wished to keep going. She couldn’t talk to her though, that was a burnt bridge that couldn't be rebuilt. Others have tried to talk to her however, but with every passing day it became more and more difficult to engage with them on their terms or let them get close enough to be on hers. Doto, Curren, Top Road had all made attempts, even her trainer had done their best to strike up a conversation to get to the bottom of her dour mood, but it all failed, one after another.
This was good, she thought to herself as she wandered around the school grounds with no particular destination in mind. Walking around was her attempt to clear her head from the misery that had been clouding her head, though that did not provide her the bereavement that she had been hoping for. She supposed that it was merely something to do, she supposed.
This was fine.
The dull ache in her leg had been a constant presence.
The courtyard was entirely empty, not a single other student or staff member to be found as they had either returned to their dorms, homes, out of late night training or out in the city, but whatever the cause, Ayabe found herself the only person in the entire courtyard. This late at night, the sun had long descended beneath the horizon, leaving the night sky to hang above them, the starless sky to hang above her like an inky abyss, lacking the things that brought her any semblance of comfort.
There was a cool breeze blowing gently, and her right ear twitched at the sensation.
…
“...Maybe I should just drop out?”
The thought came unprompted, an intrusive idea that she knew always had rooted itself into the corner of her mind. Would there be any real point in staying here any longer? Her racing career was over, her race ready period behind her with only a mediocre record to be left as her legacy. Yeah, there was still the typical academia, but would staying at Tracen in particular that couldn't be done at any other school?
God she left tired…
From the corner of her eye she then spotted something, something that was always in the middle of the courtyard but a thing she had never paid attention to personally.
The stump.
Ayabe didn't know where or when it started, but at some point the hollowed tree stump that sat in the middle of the courtyard had seen its use as a sort of therapeutic substitute. If you were feeling stressed or frustrated, all you needed to do was simply go up to the stump and simply scream your woes into the shallow void and, somehow, you would feel better. Personally she didn't see much use in doing that, she didn't see how screaming into a stump would make her feel better, and if she was even remotely superstitious she would have assumed that years of negative emotions would have left it cursed or something. Maybe Tracen was too cheap to hire in-house therapists?
No thank you, she’d rather keep it all bottled in and never have to think about it. Misery was familiar to her.
Ayabe walked past the stump, intending to not even spare a second glance at it when she looked up to the sky and another stray thought came to her, one that left enough of an impact that she found herself stopping once more.
‘Oh,’ she thought to herself. ‘I was supposed to go camping tonight. I guess it slipped my mind.”
Her camping trips were important to her, not because she had any strong love for the outdoors, but it was when she felt the closest to her sister, when she was all by herself, miles from a single person under a starry night and a second mug that would never be touched. She looked forward to those nights, and it slipped her mind because she was too focused on herself to remember her sister.
She really was the worst.
Glancing back to the stump, Ayabe decided that there really wasn’t much to lose, so she slowly made her way to where the stump sat rooted to the ground, feeling like an idiot for even entertaining the idea. It was just a stump, screaming at it wouldn’t solve anything, and what if someone saw her yelling into it? Despite whatever misgivings she might have had about this, she leaned over the stump, placing her hands on the side to keep her balance, and peered into the hallow, and she was surprised to see that it was much deeper than she thought it would be, in fact she couldn’t see the bottom, but that was maybe more to do with the fact that it was dark outside and she didn’t have a good light on her to really see. It didn’t have this endless depths because it was cursed.
That would be silly.
Still, the temptation remained, and after looking around to make certain that there was no one around to witness what was about to be an embarrassing act from her, she took a deep breath, hovered her head over the hollow, and yelled. It wasn’t a very impressive yell, it was only a few decibels louder than her usually speaking voice, she was certain she had yelled louder in her argument with Opera O, and the feebleness of it left her more than a little embarrassed even if there were no witnesses around to see it.
“This is… this is dumb…” she muttered to herself, ears pressed flat against her skull. “Why am I even doing this? Screaming at a stump? This is… ugh…” With a frustrated groan, Ayabe turned away from the stump and made to return back to the dorms, but she could only get a few steps away from it before she found her attention drawn back to it, her eyes lingering on it for longer than she would have wanted. “Still…” Curiosity drove her more than anything as she returned to the stump and she found herself looking back into its deep recesses, and she let out another cry, this one louder than the previous one. She then let out another yell, louder still, and then another, and before she knew it, she was screaming into the void, unable to help herself.
Then the words came, sentences spilling out from her mouth forming into her grievances and her frustrations, the things she regretted and the things that made her angry, it all came out in a deluge that she was unable to deal with the more she let it loose. She wasn’t even certain she could stop it if she wanted, or even if she did want to stop it at all, she didn’t want to stop screaming because a lid had been opened at last for her, and she yelled and screamed and cursed and aired the things that burdened and weighted her down into the hollowed wood. Ayabe continued this until her head felt lightheaded, until her throat was starting to become sore, and it was only until she felt that she would not long keep this up did she finally withdraw from the stop. She was out of breath, she could feel sweat on her brow and tears down her cheeks (had she been crying?), and for a moment it felt like she might either fall over or pass out, but still she remained standing.
That felt… nice.
Still, she better get out of here, she didn’t want to be seen next to the stump less anyone actually see her, that would be a bit more embarrassing than she would be able to tolerate, so she turned around to start the journey back to her dorm and-
…
Dammit.
There were over two-thousand students who attended Tracen Academy, only a handful of them she knew personally, and if one were to stumble upon her at this moment, they would, statistically speaking, be someone she didn’t know. In that case she would mutter an apology and merely hurry past her, never looking back, taking some comfort in the fact that the chances would be that they would never meet face to face again. The person who caught her screaming into the stump should have been a stranger, it was the most likely thing that should have happened.
But no, it just had to be someone she knew. It just had to be T.M. Opera O too, didn’t it?
She stood there, not too far from her, eyes staring wide at her in stunned disbelief, and all Ayabe could do was stare at her back, equally stunned because apparently she was too stupid to just walk past her like she wanted to and avoid this at all costs.
“...Ayabe…” Opera O said, carefully and evenly. “I saw you by the stump… and I…” she said, the words trailing off.
“Yeah, I was letting off steam…” She couldn’t put her eyes on her, she needed to leave. “I should get going,” she lamely said. “So… goodnight.” She walked as quickly as she could, moving past Opera O, not even bothering to look at her as she put her attention towards the dormrooms, hoping that Opera O would just let this be.
“Ayabe,” Opera O said, trying to get her attention, but Ayabe simply ignored it and continued on. This didn’t need to happen, she could just walk away and-”Ayabe!” go back to her room and sleep the rest of the night away while she pretended she didn’t hear the more insistent tone in Opera O’s voice, all she needed to do was get out of here and-
She stopped in her tracks when Opera O grabbed her by the arm, holding her wrist in a firm grip that refused to let go.
“Ayabe,” Opera O sternly said, but not unkindly, as if some degree of caringness seeped through. “I think we should talk about some of the things you… yelled back there.”
No, they didn’t.
“Everything’s fine,” Ayabe said, her voice hoarse, trying to pull away. “Just ignore anything you heard, it’s not important.”
“I am still trying to have a conversation with you,” Opera O continued. “As I said, I saw you by the stump, and I came over to speak with you, but then you started screaming into the stump and…”
Ayabe pulled harder at Opera O’s hold on her, but the other uma kept a tight grip on her. “It’s fine, it really is,” Ayabe said through clenched teeth. “We don’t need to talk about anything else, we both said what was on our minds, and that’s all we need.”
“No, we are having this talk now, Ayabe!” She pulled back against Ayabe’s attempt to escape.
“I said we’re done!” With one last final yank, Ayabe managed to free her arm from Opera O’s grasp and quickly moved away from her, refusing to look at her as she tried to head back to the dorms. “There’s nothing else to say.”
“Ayabe!” Opera O called back to her. “We are not finished here!” Her own agitation and anger fell on deaf ears, Ayabe didn’t want to deal with this anymore, she just wanted to get back to her bed and sleep the rest of the night away, trying to push the rest of the world out as her good mood had been spoiled. She didn’t need this, she didn’t need anything because-
“Ayabe!” Opera O called out one more time. “Who is-”
And there it was, something that would cease Ayabe in her tracks as she felt a chill run down her spine because so rarely had she heard that spoken by anyone but a very select few, herself included. In this moment, it made her realize how little she thought about it, because while a constant weight on her mind no matter what she did, actually thinking about the name made it an even more unbearable thing to accept.
Opera O had said her sister’s name, the name that belonged to someone who had never been born to begin with, who never received that name to begin with. The very same name she screamed into that stupid stump as she vented her frustrations. She couldn't help but feel disgust at herself for just letting this out when she should have kept it shoved down as deep inside of her as she could like she always had. What was wrong with her?
“Opera O,” she said, strained and tired, the fight leaving her body as her ears flattened against her head and her head dropped forward. “I don't want to talk about this, so please Opera O, I just don't want to do this right now.” She felt so exhausted.
To her surprise, Opera O did let go of her hand, her grasp slowly loosening it until her hand fell away from her arm before she took a step back away from her.
“Ayabe?” Opera O asked with concern. “Are you alright? Truly, are you doing well?”
“I’m fine,” Ayabe replied, sounding as hollowed as she felt. “I’m fine,” she said, knowing she wasn't convincing anyone, not Opera O and certainly not herself.
Once more, Admire Vega walked away from Opera O, the latter doing nothing to stop her as she retreated to the dorms, and for that she found herself grateful that she had decided to leave her alone, she didn’t need to deal with anything else tonight.
Upon returning to her dorm room, Curren was already laying on her bed, her head propped under her chin as she scrolled through her phone, seemingly oblivious to Ayabe’s return, and Ayabe didn’t mind this. Already she felt like she was running on empty, she didn’t want to deal with anything else, so she dragged herself to her bed and flopped down on the mattress, burying her head into the soft pillow, hoping she would never rise out of it again, laying there for a long while.
“Hey, are you okay?” came Curren’s voice from the other side of the room, after who knows how long after Ayabe started to lay there.
“I’m fine,” came Ayabe’s muffled response.
Curren gave a thoughtful response before she pushed herself up and scooted forward to sit on the edge of her bed. “Are you sure? You’ve been really, you know, down in the dumps for a while.”
“I’m fine,” came the repeated response.
“Are you sure? Does it have anything to do with Opera O? A lot of people are talking about it online.”
Reluctantly, Ayabe managed to turn her head enough to peek out from the darkness to look at Curren. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“Oh, you haven't noticed? There's a lot of people talking online about some kind of beef you've been having with her. Someone saw you get into a fight and they posted pics online, so of course people are going to be talking and spreading rumors!”
Great, just great. Not only were her friends taking notice about what was happening between her and Opera O, but random strangers on the internet were as well. Swell. Fantastic even!
“No, I haven’t noticed,” Ayabe said back, her voice muffled by the pillow. “I’ve been… too busy to look at that kind of stuff.” She hadn’t so much as looked at her phone beyond just carrying it around, she felt too guilty about using it after what had happened, let alone access any social media. It just didn’t feel right, and the idea that she would somehow go back to making hate posts, however unlikely, made her stomach feel queasy.
“Well, maybe it’s better if you don’t, people are starting to argue who started it, some saying you, others saying Opera O, but either way it’s getting real nasty there.” Curren then looked back to her phone, her finger gliding along the screen with expertise movement before she turned it over and pointed the screen at Ayabe. “Do you want to read some of the comments?
Ayabe went back to burying her head into her pillow, which as far as she considered was a more than valid response to that.
“I don’t blame you,” Curren continued, pulling her phone back. “As someone who has a large online presence, it’s never easy to deal with hate comments, I mean, can you imagine what kind of person would just waste their time because they have nothing better to do than just spew nasty stuff like that? Probably someone who’s just too broken on the inside to ever allow themselves to be happy so they have to then spread misery to other people online while hiding behind anonymity.”
Ayabe was perfectly aware that Curren had a black belt in aikido, and she was certain that if Curren decided to, that there was nothing Ayabe could do to stop her from breaking her spine in multiple locations.
Curren inflicting intense physical harm on her would have been nowhere nearly as painful as what she had just said.
Her phone then buzzed, and reluctantly she peeked at it.
Curren sent her a picture of a fuzzy rabbit.
It only made her feel a little better, but not by much.
000
The next morning she felt like she was going through thick mud, like the day was passing by her a slow smear where everything stretched ahead of her into the horizon beyond. It was like she wasn’t all there, her mind somewhere else while she walked the halls and attended classes in a haze, leaving the rest of her to go through her day like she was barely existing. She could recall talking to people, eating lunch, doing other things as well, but she couldn’t be asked what any meaningful details about those details might have been as she wandered around on automatic throughout her day.
She tried not to think about the recent past, about anything with Opera O, or the things she had said to her or anything about the stump incident. It was just too much, and she felt too tired.
“Ayabe.” The name is what got her attention, or rather who had said it, and for a moment she was able to put enough focus to drag herself out of her fog-addled mind and draw her attention to the person who had spoken to her, catching her before she left the main school building to head back to the dorm.
T.M. Opera O, once more, stood not too far away from her, because of course she would, because this can’t end no matter how much Ayabe wanted this to end and just be done with it. Why could she not just leave her alone?
Ayabe didn’t answer her, she merely stared at her with a tired, exhausted look, and hoped that would be enough to send her away, but no, instead she merely stood there with a look of concern that told her that no matter what, that Ayabe would not be getting rid of her so easily.
“Ayabe, I think we need to talk,” Opera O said, stepping up to her. “And I mean, I think it would be best if we talked and not devolved into arguments and hurtful words.”
She wanted to push past her, to ignore her, to let this die so she could return to her bed and bury her head into her pillow and hopefully never wake up again.
But she was just too tired to argue.
“Fine…” Ayabe finally said. “Whatever, let’s just get this over with.”
With a nod, Opera O led her away from the school's main entrance and off into a distant part of the courtyard, some corner that no one really visited, where a single bench sat beneath a tree. The two of them sat down on it, the dark shade covering them and only allowing small specks of light to shine through that would come and go with each sway of the breeze as the trees moved with the wind. It was a nice spot, Ayabe thought to herself, she had sat here a few times before to be alone, and there was a part of her that found herself annoyed that Opera O had led her here, though she doubted that she sknew she liked this spot.
Whatever, it wasn’t important. It just wasn’t.
The two of them sat in silence for a short while, and Ayabe found it odd to see Opera O so… quiet, as she could not recall a moment when Opera O would allow any kind of silence to remain undisturbed for long before she found herself trying to fill it. Instead she sat there with a pensive look on her face, looking across the courtyard and to the varying students who made their way across the grounds to whatever destination they had been trying to make it too. Maybe she was waiting for Ayabe to say something, or maybe she was trying to think of something herself to say?
“Ayabe,” Opera O said, catching her off guard, “About last night,” she began. “I-”
“The weather’s not bad today,” Ayabe then suddenly said, interrupting Opera O, who seemed to stumble on what she had wanted to say. Good. “It’s not too hot out, which is good. I don’t like it when it’s too hot.”
“Ah, yes, neither do I…” Opera O said back, trying to keep the conversation going, though she was clearly put off by the sudden turn of topic before she could even start. “We do seem to have had a stretch of good luck when it comes to the weather lately, have we not?”
“Yeah, we have, it’s nice.”
The two sat in silence for a little bit longer.
Opera O once more tried to break it. “About the things you said-”
“I’m sorry I said those things,” Ayabe quickly said, once more cutting her off. “The things I said on Umatter, I shouldn’t have said any of that, it wasn’t cool, it was awful of me to say them.” The words tasted like sand in her mouth.
“That’s not what I meant.” And she was right. “I was talking about the stump last night. Some of the things I caught you saying were rather… concerning…”
Ayabe said nothing, because she didn’t want to have this conversation, and she wanted to hope if she didn’t engage this problem would just go away.
Her leg was starting to hurt.
Sadly, Opera O did not seem to get the message.
“Are you alright, Ayabe? If there is anything you need to discuss, I am here, and if not me, we have a number of friends who will gladly lend a shoulder to ease your burdens, all you need to do is ask and we will listen to what it is that vexes you.”
“Nothing’s wrong.” The response came automatically, something she had said more than enough time for things to simply work like that.
“Ayabe, I caught you yelling you wish you hadn’t been born, that, and I’m sorry to paraphrase you, ‘God why did you take the wrong one?’. It’s a rather troublesome thing to hear you say, especially when you are screaming it like that.”
She could recall saying those words, so much was coming out she couldn’t keep track of everything, but she knew she felt it,
“It was a joke, that’s it, that’s all.”
“I’m not so certain about that.”
More silence passed between them, until Ayabe once more broke it.
“Why do you even care?” she asked, feeling weighted down and heavy. “You should hate me.”
“I don’t hate you,” Opera O said, appearing offended.
“Well, you should,” Ayabe said with a tinge of more bitterness than she intended. “After all the things I said online about you, that should have done plenty to tell you how much of an awful person I am. The fact that you’re even talking to me? What’s this even supposed to be anyway?” With a tired sigh, Ayabe leaned forward and placed her head in her hands, trying to block the world out with little success. “You should hate me.”
Opera O didn’t say anything, and Ayabe knew she had her, that she would get up and walk away and that would be the end of it, but instead she continued to sit down, and with a heavy sigh of her own, leaned back in her head. “I don’t hate you, Ayabe,” she firmly said. “I am hurt and disappointed, and I feel betrayed that with everything that happened at the height of my career that someone close to be would say things like that behind my back, yes, but I can’t hate you, because even now I still see you as a friend, and one who seems to be going through something terrible, and I cannot allow myself to merely discard you aside because things had taken a turn for the worse between us. Whatever this is, we must resolve it, or at least address it if we are to have any hopes of restoring the bond between us.”
“Why bother?” Ayabe roughly asked.
“Pardon?”
“What’s there to fix? I ruined everything.”
“No you didn’t,” Opera O insisted. “Nothing is truly broken between us, and what is damaged can be repaired, but it is as I keep saying, I need to understand why you do these things before I can do anything. So please, Ayabe, help me understand what it is that is causing you trouble.”
Ayabe lowered her hands and stared at the grass between her shoes, wondering how she was even supposed to broach this subject, it was a difficult thing to talk about, even with people she trusted, and the number of people she had talked to about this could be counted on a single hand, her parents, her trainer, and that was about it. It would be easy to just dismiss Opera O, get up and walk away, and she was certain that would be it, and that she would leave her alone from now on.
But she was just so tired. She didn’t want to do this anymore.
So she opened her mouth, and Admire Vega decided to speak the truth.
She spoke for a while. A long while. Longer than she thought she was going to.
When she was done, Opera O’s eyes were tilted towards the sky, a glaze over them as she stared off into the abyss above, and Ayabe wondered if she had trauma dumped on her too much.
She ignored the fact that she was crying once more.
“That was… certainly a lot, Ayabe…” Opera O said, slowly, cautiously, keeping her eyes up.
“Yeah… it is…” Ayabe on the other hand could only keep her eyes down. “I’m sorry that I just sort of… unloaded all of that on you.”
“No, no, it’s fine. It’s just, I’m not certain what I had been expecting, but that, I was not expecting that kind of burden on your shoulders.”
The two of them sat in silence for a while, decompressing.
“I think I’m basically the losing side of a coin toss,” Ayabe admitted, the words simply blurting out of her mouth. “It just seems like every breath I take could have been better used for her, that she would have lived this life better than I could have.”
“And what makes you say that?”
“I…” She racked her brain, trying to find the right answer, something she knew that would prove her right. “I just do. I think she would have been someone who would have been nice and kind, who would have gotten along with everyone, and no one would have thought she was a screw up who just kept messing up.”
“No one thinks you’re a screw up, I certainly don’t. And why would they think that?” Opera O said, shifting in her seat to take a better look at Ayabe. “No one thinks ill of you, and you are more than capable, trust me when I say I have seen the things you can do and-”
“It’s still not enough,” Ayabe snapped. “No matter what I do, what I accomplish, it’s never enough.” Frustration built up in her throat, and the corner of her eyes began to sting with returning moisture. “Everything I am is because of her, but she would have been more than I ever could hope to be. I just know she would have been great, and instead everyone else just has to settle for me.”
“No one is settling for you, Ayabe,” Opera O insisted. “You are our friend, we are happy to know you and have you in our lives.” She could help but smile slyly, placing a hand to her chest. “For someone like me to say that my life has been uplifted, that should be considered praise of the highest order.”
Ayabe could only stare down at the ground, and she did so for a long, hard while before a realization struck. “You know, I think I know why I wrote those comments before.”
“Oh? Do you? Well, please share if you don’t mind.”
“It’s because you’re annoying.”
Opera O seemed genuinely disheartened by this confession. “...oh.”
Ayabe continued. “Every time I see you, you go on and on about how great, and amazing you are, and you go through life acting like the greatest thing to grace mankind. No matter what, you just always seem like you just think the world of yourself, but for me?” She pulled her hands together, she started wringing them together. “I’m only here because of a coin flip, and I think my sister would have just been… better in every single way.” She took a long deep breath before slowly letting it go. “What good am I?”
“More than you realize, I would think.”
“I couldn’t win the races I dedicated to her, and when I did I felt happy, and proud that I won, but when I do I can’t help but think I was being selfish, that I was… like I was forgetting that she isn’t here to race for herself.” She wanted to sink into the world and forever vanish. “I’m the worst.”
More silence passed between them, until Ayabe broke it.
“Speechless? Don’t know what to say?” She hoped that was true.
Opera O lips were pursed in deep thought. “I think… as much as I would want to hope this would be something we could merely talk out, I think I am starting to get a grasp that the issue is much more deep seated than I had anticipated.”
She was a lost cause, that was what she was trying to tell her, Ayabe knew it.
“And yet, I still want to prove you wrong, Ayabe,” Opera O said. “I am uncertain how, and it might not be any time soon, but I am certain that one day I will help you learn to value and love yourself in the way you deserve, and if not me, then perhaps someone else who care for you.”
Slowly, Ayabe’s gaze shifted from the ground and back to Opera O, who seemed more than proud of her declaration, and she stared at her in disbelief for it. “...what?”
“It is as I said, I see you as a friend, as do others, such as Top Road and Doto. Even if we cannot dispel the sadness and grief that plagues your heart, the very least that we can do is make you feel the love and appreciation that we know you deserve.”
On some level, Ayabe knew this should be a comforting thing to hear, that someone she wronged would still decide to be there for her despite everything, and she knew that she should take this hand that was offered because on some level she really does want to take it. But what she felt, however, was that Opera O was wasting her time with her, that she and everyone else had better things to do than put any effort into her.
“Why do you even care?” Ayabe wearily asked.
Opera O could only smile as she placed her arms around the back of the bench and crossed one leg over the other, looking triumphant and confident in whatever it was she was feeling. “I will say this as many times as I must before you come to accept it as a truth of the world, but you are someone I value as a friend, and I do not select my friends so easily. So take pride in yourself, Admire Vega, for being one who the Overlord cherishes and will fight for when the time comes.”
Something hurt inside of her chest, and it made her want to cry, so she wiped the tears from her eyes and, thankfully, Opera O pretended not to see it, or at the very least did not comment on it.
000
Two nights later, Ayabe was back in the mountains, camping under a starfilled sky, a campfire lit before her and a mug in her hand and another set to the side that no one will touch. She stared at the stars above, she would talk to no one, and she would simply sit there and listen to the crackling of the firewood, of the birds in the darkness.
This was nice, she’s thankful she was able to get back here, she almost chose not to, thinking that she had missed her chance to do so for the next month, in part as some kind of self-inflicted punishment for missing her usual night, but Opera O was able to convince her to go.
For a moment, Ayabe considered asking one of her friends if they’d like to go camping with her, but she quickly shot that down. She’d never considered that before, and for a while longer, she wants to keep this place between her and her sister.
Maybe one day…
“I wonder what you would have been like a lot,” she said, even though the extra mug would never be touched. “Would you have worn your hair short, what kind of foods would you have liked, or what about movies? What would my life have been like if you had been…” She stopped herself, banishing those certain thoughts away. “What would my childhood have been like if the two of us had grown up together? How much of me would still be me because you would have been around to affect me, and how much of you would have been because of me?” She paused, waiting for an answer that would never come, always leaving her wanting for more.
Ayabe sat in the silence for a while longer.
Maybe she should talk to her trainer a bit more, they were always open to listen to her and her problems, and they had always been one of her biggest supporters since she had come to Tracen, so maybe coming to them would help a bit more. There were also her parents, they’ve only talked about her sister a handful of times, and Ayabe always had the impression that maybe they regretted telling her in the first place because of how it affected her, so maybe it was time to clear the air between them the next time she went home?
She sat and enjoyed the silence for a little bit longer.
Maybe… maybe this would be something she would always be sad about, an ache in her heart that would never go away even if she lived to be an old woman in her deathbed, but a part of her doesn’t want that pain to go away because it was her only real connection to a sister who never had her chance to live. Still though, talking to Opera O, making up with her had filled her with something that made her feel a bit better about all of this, that maybe she wasn’t as wretched as she thought she was. Mostly at least. It was a daunting thing to think about, but she found that she didn’t want to be weighed down by these feelings, so she at least owed it to the people who cared about her to try and do something about it.
Still though, she’ll grieve in her own way, she’ll mourn for the life that never got to live, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll one day start thinking less about how her sister would have lived her life if she had gotten the chance, but rather how she herself will live her own life, trying to honor her sister without feeling like she owed that life to her.
Maybe, just maybe…
The stars were beautiful tonight.