Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Chapter Four: Fo(u)r You

October 26 - October 28th, 2001

FRIDAY

Tish’s POV:

Greetings! Tish here! I’m sure you’re all DYING to know what’s been happening ever since I recognized my… Amorous feelings for Tino. Here, come sit up on the tree and I’ll tell you!

Oh, careful, that branch is…

WHAP!

Wild. Heh. Sorry. I’ve been all thumbs ever since Sunday! It’s humiliating, but can you REALLY blame me? Not every day does a girl get her first crush!

Okay, so to recap: as you recall, last Sunday, I had that whole dramatic apology with Tino, where he said things that are imprinted in my memory, and I came to an epiphany: Tish + Tino = Two messy scoops of red hot LUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV.

It’s been… Quite thrilling, I have to admit. I had no idea I could sweat this much without exerting extraneous physical effort, nor that my heart could beat so much from the same lack of exercise!

I have NOT made any moves yet, however. Yes, yes, I know, I can see you rolling your eyes and shaking your head. “Why, Tish?”, you wonder aloud, gears working overtime in your messy mind. “Why have you not just ASKED Tino out? Procrastination is for the weak!”.

And yes, it is. But I am NOT procrastinating! Let it be known that Tish Katsufrakis NEVER rushes headfirst into a situation without a color coded, detailed spreadsheet and an appropriately sized binder!

But I can’t just go out and ask him! Remember, the whole “if we weren’t friends, then it wouldn’t be awkward” deal? Tino only sees me as a friend right now. Which, I mean, fair, but you get what I mean! I have to slowly, surely win him over, like a beautiful wave eroding his handsome, clifflike face. Only once he turns into gravel that drowns in my ocean, will I… Okay, not my best metaphor. Point is, I need to do what I do best: Plan meticulously!

So that’s what I’ve been doing the last few days! I’ve been studying, observing, and testing! Performing important tasks that will inch me ever closer to asking Tino out!

Yes, it’s VERY important work! How dare you assume it’s not!

My notebook? What about it? It’s full of crucial research and notes!

…Writing down “Mrs. Tish Tonitini” with hearts is a time honored tradition, imperative to the courting process! You wouldn’t know! I assume. I don’t know if you actually have a partner or not.

Huh, now that I say it out loud, it doesn’t sound quite right… Let me fix that.

RUB RUB RUB, WRITE WRITE WRITE!

“Mr. Tino Katsufrakis”... Yes! I like the sound of that~

Anyway, fear not! My observations have proven fruitful enough for me to construct a multistep plan back at my house! I was about to go over there to tell Shakespeare about it, but you can tag along if you want to hear it! I’d love some feedback on whether or not it will help me seize my man~

Oh, but please don’t tell the guys! It would totally mess up our group dynamic! Trust me on this, this crush needs time to simmer, like mama’s 43 hour goat milk stew!

Oh, speak of the devil! Here they are! I guess they probably wanna hang out, considering last week we didn’t get to. Oh, but I can’t! I have to shift into “Romancing Tino” mode! I’ll just have to tell them I have… Extra homework or something, yes! Then, we can hang out tomorrow, while I hang my sultry intentions all over Tino… Or something. I don’t know.

Now watch as I wow you with my SUBTLE acting skills!

Swinging slightly off the branch, I manage to say ‘Hi, Carver! Hi, Lor!’, before smacking face first onto the autumn colored leaf piles at the bottom of the tree. When I lift my head up lamely, I look like a homeless scarecrow, or a witch with a serious drinking problem. Thankfully, I’m not deterred, especially when I see Tino’s cute face get all worried about me. Aww, is he always like that? Concerned for his future beloved? I feel flattered! ‘Hi, Tino~’, I say with a smirk, a wink and a voice that makes it clear I’m saying a lot of subtext underneath that hi. Subtext I probably can’t repeat, considering our target demographic.

Listen, if you spent the last few days observing him in the gym like I have, you’d get it, trust me.

‘Hey, Tish!’, Tino greets me in return, clearly unaware of my burning hot passion. It’s okay, I’m a VERY patient woman~. When I look at Carver and Lor, however, I remember what happened last week, and I decide to apologise again. It’s only fair, considering what they went up against. ‘Hey, guys, I’m SO sorry for last week, I…’, I begin, but Carver cuts me off with a shrug of the shoulders. ‘Hey, it’s cool. We got interviewed with Kim Possible, I mean, there are WORSE ways to spend a weekend! She has IMPECCABLE taste in shoes, by the way!’.

‘And I got to punch someone! So, honestly, I should be thanking you.’, Lor adds, which reassures me greatly. At least I don’t have THAT on my conscience!

‘Yeah, we really didn’t get to spend much time last weekend, huh? Let’s amend that with an awesome hang session!’, Tino offers, a glint in his eyes, and I gulp, realising I have to act fast before I get dragged into a situation I’m not prepared for yet. Sighing dramatically, I strike a mournful pose and turn down his offer. ‘Alas, Tino, I’m afraid I’m indisposed today!’.

‘Oh, bummer. Why?’, Tino asks, Carver and Lor nodding. Crap! I didn’t account for further questions! What is this, CSI? Stammering and stuttering, I shake as I spit out ‘C-C-Can’t! I have, um… Extra homework!’, I snap my fingers, proud of myself for coming up with that. Who wouldn’t believe that I would get assigned extra homework? I do all the time!

‘Ah, of course. What is it this time…’, Carver began, then trailed off. We all stared at him, confused, and he blushed and said ‘I couldn’t think of a punchline, okay? I’m not on my A game today.’

Ignoring him, I turn back to Tino and keep my lie going, hoping he’s still buying it. I also decide to sprinkle in a little flirting, just to see how he responds. Always good to know your subject’s state concerning your experiment! ‘Well, it concerns…’, I begin, before settling into a pose I hope is sensual. Seeing as I’m an awkward 13 year old, I can’t quite tell if it is. Batting my eyelashes and narrowing my pupils, I lock onto Tino’s vapid, empty eyes and whisper out ‘...Physical and chemical attraction~’. I edge closer towards his face, shooting him a sexy look I saw Allison Janney pull on The West Wing. From what I can hear Carver and Lor whisper about, though, it seems that I look more like I’m suffering from constipation. ‘You know anything about those… Tino?~’, I ask as breathily as I can, even if it kinda sounds like I have throat cancer.

Tino, innocent as a lamb, replies ‘Not a clue! I’m more of a biology guy. You know, this is the sound the duck makes and all that.’, his joke making Carver and Lor chuckle, but I shall laugh harder! HA HA HA HA HA!

…Why is everyone looking at me funny? I wasn’t the one that told the joke!

Ugh, never mind! Clearly my flirting is beyond their capabilities! Time to retreat home, anyway! But not before one last flirt…

Walking away but looking back at Tino, I attempt to shake my hips and posterior like that one Shakira woman, you know, from that “Whenever, Wherever” song? While I do, hoping it will awaken his hormones, I say in a honey sweet voice ‘Well, when tomorrow comes, you know where to find me, ducky~’, only to fall on my face because I wasn’t looking where I was going. Beet red, I stand up, look at them, open my mouth, say nothing, then run off. Hopefully, he didn’t notice all that.

Tino’s POV:

‘Yeah, I know, I’ve been to your house!’, I call out to the running away Tish, while I look over at Carver and Lor and beam, happy that my apology from a few days ago seemed to have helped her massively! ‘Wow, she’s so friendly today! I think I really helped her!’.

‘What the heck was that all about?’, Carver asks, while Lor shrugs and says ‘The ways of the Tish are not for the faint of heart.’

‘Wise. Did you read that on the back of a cereal box?’

‘No, it’s on that billboard.’, she points at a billboard that reads those exact words, with a picture of Tish.

‘...What is that selling?’, I ask, and my friends shrug again. I suppose that’s part of the mystery.

Tish’s POV:

Okay, so that didn’t QUITE go as planned. I’m new at this, okay? I doubt you did much better!

Anyway, there’s an obvious reason for why that all happened! I wasn’t prepared yet! I need to go over my plan, first!

Thankfully, my parents don’t interrupt me this time, which means I can just walk into my room and get Operation: Tishno underway!

Tishno? Tinsh? Tinsho? T-T?

Eh, I’ll figure it out.

While I extract my blueprints from their hiding spot (underneath my pillow) and unfold them carefully and precisely, Shakespeare appears to inquire about my love life as per usual. ‘So, wilst thou finally bequeath onto me the nectar young Tino will be pollinating from your words once you slay your single status with but a few words, mightier than the sword?’, he asks, and thankfully, I’m fluent in “English but not in English”. ‘It’s not as simple as just asking him out, William. Tino sees me as just a friend, and I need him to understand that I’m not a friend, but a woman… A highly desirable, single woman.’, I say with some extra bite to my bark. I thought I’d struggle with the concept more, but it turns out that when I like you, I LIKE YOU, you know?

‘Okay…’, Shakespeare says, clearly a tad disturbed, as he stares at my plan with a curious squint. ‘Is… Is it supposed to be that long?’, he asks, and I shake my head. ‘The rest of it is on the back, gotta reach it first.’, I say calmly and proudly, but he seems more confused than anything. ‘Is all this just to ask him out?’, he asks, and I roll my eyes and begin pointing at it, highlighting specific steps. ‘What is there NOT to get? Step 1. Accept feelings for Tino. Check! Step 2. Observe him until Saturday. Check! Step 3. Commence flirting. About to be checked! I’m not sure what’s missing here.’, I shrug, and he points at the rest. ‘What about steps 4 to 500?’.

‘Duh, read!’, I shout out as I begin to go over them at random, pointing at each one with increased frustration. ‘Step 4. Sensually move around on rollerskates! Step 76. Initiate conversation about goat mating seasons, to imply that we should eventually court as the goats do around this time of year! Step 182. Tap out in Morse Code “Go out with me” for the 5th time! Step 268. Ask if he’s available on Saturday night…’

‘268 steps to ask him out?!’, Shakespeare asks in shock, but his impatience is telling. ‘No, that’s just to practice the sentence out.’

‘...WHAT?!’

‘Step 313. Sit next to him on the tram for the 26th time, which is conditioning him to get used to it. Step 467. Wink with my other eye for once, to see if he notices my constant winking with the regular eye, and finally, Step 500. Ask Tino out!’, I clap my hands, impressed by my preparedness. Shakespeare, who’s melted from seeming confusion, asks in fear ‘What are the steps on the back for?’.

‘Oh, they’re for the first date! I have another 1000 steps for the next two after it.’, I beam, hands on my hips, as Shakespeare faints (somehow, he’s a hallucination). Tutting, I mutter ‘Genius is always unappreciated in its time.’, then sit back on my bed with Waddlesworth, petting him like he’s the cat to my James Bond villain. ‘You’ll see. It’s all gonna go according to plan…’, I say quietly, passionately, the sticky notes on my blueprint slowly coming together to form a picture of me and Tino holding hands. Yes… This is my destiny… No, OUR destiny! We will go up there with Romeo and Juliet! Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy! Peanut butter and doritos!

…I like what I like.

Shakespeare is still looking at me like I’m crazy (I guess he can read my mind). I guess he’s not wrong.

I am crazy…

Crazy in love~

SATURDAY

Tino’s POV:

Ah, no better way to start the day than skating down Bahia Bay Broadwalk! The sun’s beating down on me like I’m an egg being prepped for a cake, or… Something, I don’t know where I’m going with this metaphor, but it’s still gonna be a blast! Just gotta wait for the rest of the guys to show up… Oh, here come Lor and Carver!

I wave to them as they wave back to me, totally calm and composed in their skates. Unlike Tish, the three of us could probably perform the cha-cha-cha then file our income taxes in these skates! ‘Hey, guys!’, I greet, skating up to them with a spin. ‘Where’s Tish?’, I ask, curious. I was SURE she’d be with them!

‘No idea, we thought she was with you!’, Carver and Lor say at the same time, spinning too just to brag. ‘Huh, weird. I hope she’s not upset again. I thought what I told her a few days ago helped.’, I say sadly, worried for her, while Carver and Lor exchange confused glances. ‘What did you say to her?’.

Suddenly, as if on cue, we hear skating noises, but not nearly as professional as ours. That can only mean one thing: Tish is here!

And she looks…

Wait, what?

Tish’s POV:

(Crazy in Love - Beyonce)

Yes (woo, ow)
It's so crazy right now
Most incredibly, it's your girl, B (yes)
It's your boy, Young
You ready?
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no (ow)
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no (chyeah)
History in the making
Part two, it's so crazy right now

Skating my way towards Tino, Carver and Lor, I put on my most alluring face and try to make brown mustard and purple kneepads and helmet look like the hottest number in fashion since Britney Spears with the snake at the VMA awards. To the beat of a song only I can hear (one I don’t recognize, to be honest, but oh well), I try to saunter as saucily as one can on rollerblades. This is, for someone like me, near impossible, so every time the beat restarts, I go from shaking my head and shoulder length hair (and shoulders) to throwing my arms all around trying (and failing) to stop myself from face planting on the road.

Still, I persevere! I have my target locked in on sight! Tino’s looking just at me, and I’m sure he’s taken aback by my slinky movements~

Tino’s POV:

‘Is Tish drunk or something?’, I ask, while Carver and Lor shrug again, just as lost as I am.

Tish’s POV:

Yes, he’s gotta be on fire right now! I should finish with the next step, just as long as I remember how to break while skating! Okay, so I just move myself forwards so I start rolling down the road properly, and then I look up at him, wink, and say ‘Sup?’, as is the current rage. Okay, now let’s get rolling, good, and… OH CRAP, OH CRAP, OH CRAP, I CAN’T STOP!

‘SUP?!’, I quickly scream out as I fly down the road and crash into a lemonade stand. ‘Yes, I can finally declare bankruptcy! Dreams DO come true!’, the kid above me cries out, confusing me greatly, but I have far more important issues to attend to, like how my clothes are drenched in sugary lime liquid, and how my helmet is now nesting two ice cubes. I think I’ll call them “Woe” and “Is me”.

Tino, Carver and Lor rush towards me, all appearing quite concerned, and not tittillated at all! Well, I didn’t want the last two to be tittillated, but at least it would feel like progress! Trying to rescue the moment, I smirk at Tino as he lifts me up, his voice cracking as he exclaims ‘Tish! Are you okay?’

‘Did you forget how to brake again?’, Carver asks, while Lor nods in understanding. ‘It’s okay, my dad forgets to brake all the time when he drives! The traffic cop thinks I have very funny faces, hee hee.’

‘No, no, I’m okay! I feel refreshed from that lemonade… But not nearly as refreshed as when I’m with you~’, I flirt at Tino, shooting him a look parked between “Needy” and “Hungry”. Nungry.

Tino, seemingly thinking that was aimed at Carver and Lor too, chuckles and replies ‘I always thought of us more like different soda brands.’

‘What do you mean?’, Carver asks, and Tino points at him, Lor, himself and me in turn. ‘Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, Coca Cola, Diet Cola.’

‘That tracks.’, Carver and Lor both agree, while I can’t help but seize my opportunity. Smirking again and nudging Tino, I flutter my eyelashes and breathily voice ‘So, you think we match?~’.

‘Um, I guess?’, Tino shrugs, clearly a little confused and oblivious. No matter, I’m playing the long game. I’m not going to ask him out for another 6 months, anyway. It’s not about him getting the hint, it’s about the hint planting itself in his mind and slowly germinating and sprouting thanks to me raining down flirtations~

Speaking of, I better keep it up in our next location…

A FEW MINUTES LATER, AT THE BEACH

I look and stare so deep in your eyes
I touch on you more and more every time
When you leave, I'm begging you not to go
Call your name two, three times in a row

‘Yo, Tish, you coming to swim?’, Tino asks me as he dries himself with a towel after a dip in the ocean, Lor and Carver still splashing each other all the way back there. His messy hair is even messier now, looking like string cheese left too long in the sun, while his Spongebob bathing shorts really sell the picture of the man I’m courting. I don’t mind, however. If anything, it makes me want to stare more, heh heh.

‘...’, I say nothing as I stare deep into his blue eyes, an ocean I actively choose to drown in.

‘Yoo hoo? Tish? You good?’, Tino asks, waving a hand in front of me, and I decide to stop the stare for now. I know it’s effective, however. It almost charmed Mr. Higginbotham!

‘I’ll come to swim soon, I just have a little… Project here.’, I say mysteriously, as I lie down on the sand. Tino doesn’t seem to get it, but after my hands move faster than the naked eye, working with my brilliant, artistic brain, he soon gets it. Yes, from a lying position, I managed to cover myself with sand AND decorate it to look like…

‘Ta da! A mermaid!’, I declare proudly, showing off my luscious fish-human hybrid body. Everyone goes nuts for mermaids! He’ll surely love this!

He stares at me for a few seconds, eyes blinking, then goes ‘Cool!’, and runs off back to the water. ‘Tino? Tino? Tino!’, I cry after him, wishing he’d have more to say, but he doesn’t hear me. Sigh. I suppose if it was easy, anyone could do it. It’s only right that someone like me should be met with a challenge, heh heh.

Suddenly, a dog hikes his leg above me. ‘I HAVE THE DOGCATCHER ON SPEED DIAL!’, I scream, and the dog runs away, yiping. Good. Fear me.

A WHILE LATER, AT THE ZOO…

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain
How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame (yeah, yeah)
'Cause I know I don't understand
Just how your love can do what no one else can

Now, at the Zoo, Tino, Carver, Lor and I find ourselves admiring and inspecting the lion cage. A bored voice from the PA system explains that ‘If you’ll look to the right, you’ll see the male lion gently licking the lioness’ shoulder, back, and neck.’ I nudge Tino and whisper ‘Fascinating, isn’t it? One could say that our group is like a lion's pride.’

‘You mean, like, we’re all strong and supportive of each other, despite the fact that we’re not actually kings of the jungle?’, he asks, and I click my tongue and reply ‘Well… That’s just one aspect. I’m sure there are… Others~’.

‘Like what?’, Tino asks cluelessly, only for the lions to play along with my game. As if they heard me, the male lion suddenly mounts the lioness and… Well, 20 seconds can be a long time when you and your best friends see two jungle cats getting it on, bow chicka wow wow style.

‘That is NASTY!’, Carver screams, covering his eyes. ‘They did NOT do that in “The Lion King”, oh my gosh!’, Lor turns green, then vomits in a trash can. ‘Woah! That is NOT like us, that’s for sure!’, Tino remarks, and I whisper ‘For now~’, just quietly enough to enter his subconscious. You WILL lick my shoulder, back or neck one day, Tino! You’ll see!

…Don’t judge me. I bet you were all comparing your first crushes to lion sex too!

AND A WHILE LATER, AGAIN, AT THE MALL

Got me looking so crazy right now
Your love's got me looking so crazy right now (your love)
Got me looking so crazy right now
Your touch got me looking so crazy right now (your touch)

When we reach the mall, I speed up my efforts, trying the next few steps in my plan at rapid fire pace!

First, at “Nuclear Fashion”, I try to attract his eye with some “hot” outfits: a baking soda volcano look that erupts from my head, covering me. ‘Would you say I’m “hot” enough to make you blow your top?~’, I say, leaning on a wall, then falling down. My other attempts are just as cheesy (dressing up like the sun and saying that ‘Am I worth the skin cancer?~’ and dressing up like a bottle of hot sauce and saying ‘I’ll make your tongue work, all right~’), but you have to play for your audience! Sure, Tino just thought they were jokes, and laughed alongside Carver and Lor (who all also dressed up in ridiculous outfits), but trust me, it’s working! Very slowly and subtly, but it is! One day he’ll wake up and think of me in those outfits and feel quite “hot and bothered”, heh heh!

Got me hoping you'll page me right now
Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now
Looking so crazy, your love's got me looking
Got me looking so crazy in love

We then sit at the Food Court to share some chilli cheese fries, a typical activity for us. However, I have a plan, based on a movie I saw a while ago with my parents! I just need to get Tino to buy something just for me…

‘So, one order of chilli cheese fries for all of us?’, Tino asks as he stands by the counter, but while Carver and Lor nod, I do not. I shake my head and put my acting skills to good use, attempting to disguise my rumbling tummy. I LOVE chilli cheese fries, but I love the idea of romancing Tino even more. ‘Oh, I ALWAYS have that! Could you perhaps order something else, just for me, Tino?’, I ask, batting my eyelashes at him, working up the charm. I have to be able to flirt his pants off!

That sounded suggestive, I don’t want to do that!

…Yet.

‘Oh! Um, sure, I guess. What would you like?’, Tino asks, once more confused by my behavior, as are Carver and Lor. I get it. They think I’m going nuts. Well, maybe I am! Maybe I like it!

‘Surprise me~’, I purr, making my fingers walk on his arm, onto his shoulder, and then boop his cute, button nose. Tino, clearly still lost, shrugs again and looks at the menu. ‘Um, I guess the Mozzarella sticks, then? Those are a decent vegetarian option.’, he muses, rubbing his chin. So thoughtful! I actually swoon for a second, he didn’t even complain about my lifestyle choices! Heheheheh.

‘That would be lovely~’, I reply, and once I get the sticks, I know what I have to do. I just hope I can make the sounds like Sally did.

Taking a bite from one, the cheese stringing on my chin and lips, I close my eyes and begin to make… Moaning noises. ‘Oh… Ooh…’, I exhale, eyes closing from the emotions I’m drawing upon, copying Meg Ryan as well as I can. ‘Are you okay?’, Tino asks, Carver and Lor confused too, as I breathe heavily and make myself look more and more ragged. Running a hand through my hair, eyes bulging out a little, I moan out ‘Oh, god… Oooh, ah… Ooh, oh, god…’, running a hand down my cheek as well, down my neck, closing my eyes and gaping a little to really sell the idea. It’s working too, I’m doing a good job! I can feel the sweat running down from my hair, and the people around us clearly think something is up! Normally, I’d be embarrassed, but I just know these sounds are unlocking feelings in Tino! Taking another stick and shoving it whole, I begin to scream ‘YES!’, louder and louder, over and over, while I smack the table with my hands and squirm in my chair, then slowly drape myself on it, looking as if I just had the time of my life. Mozzarella cheese all over my mouth and chin now, I grin saucily and say ‘Good choice, Tino… Very good choice~’.

Tino, who looks more lost than ever, and Carver and Lor, who seem like they’re trying to figure out if I’m Tish or an escaped asylum patient dressed up as her, all seem to struggle for words. Only one person does say anything: Mrs. Duong. She signals the waiter and says ‘I’ll have what she’s having!’.

And later, at Funville, while Lor and Carver play Dance Dance Revolution, I decide to dance too… By performing a mating dance from the old country! It’s called the Sirtaki, and it’s mostly just a lot of light knee kicks and spinning around, but hey, if it works for birds, why not for me?

Got me looking so crazy right now
Your love's got me looking so crazy right now (so crazy)
Got me looking so crazy right now (your love)
Your touch got me looking so crazy right now (oh, your touch)
Got me hoping you'll page me right now (yeah)
Your kiss got me hoping you'll save me right now (hey)
Looking so crazy, your love's got me looking (chyeah)
Got me looking so crazy in love (chyeah)
I'm looking so crazy, your love's got me looking (woo)
Got me looking so crazy in love (I'm warmed up now, let's go)

As I prepare to dance to the song only I can hear, I spin around Tino, saying ‘Hey, Tino, wanna see a dance from the Old Country?’. Thankfully, Tino isn’t close minded like some friends I know (cough Carver cough), so he smiles kindly and nods. ‘Yeah, sure, why not? These two won’t lose for a while, anyway.’

Grinning like a banshee, I begin to perform the Sirtaki. It starts off with small knee and leg kicks, like I said, as I move hypnotically around him, my eyes narrowed, my gaze only for him and him alone. ‘It requires VERY precise movements, Tino. It’s a very precise dance, after all. It’s all about sending a message.’, I inform him, as I begin to spin around him. Tino, curious, asks me ‘What kind of message?’, with a hand raise, as if he’s in class (what a dork~).

Smirking, I whisper ‘That’s for me to know, and for you to find out~’. Winking again (I’ve never winked this much in my life, let alone a single day), I spin around over and over, the dancing getting faster like the music, as the Sirtaki is prone to go. Faster and faster I kick and spin, my breaths getting more and more hurried, as I turn into a blur, like the Tasmanian Devil in heat. My spinning gets a little too wild, however, and I…

SMASH!

Crash right into a wall. Ow.

While Tino stares at me with an expression so bereft of answers that he must wonder if I’ve flipped my lid, I just smirk at him, enjoying this little game. Sure, it’s making me act in ways I’ve never acted before… But isn’t that what makes love fun?

AND FINALLY, ON THE TRAM…

‘My love is like primary amoebic meningoencephalitis, it controls and confuses. My love is direct and shocking, like the electricity in fuses. Perspiration, palpitation, petrification… My love is full of P’s, and this tram is that love’s plantation. It grows and germinates, like a seed in the ground, yet it was only a few blinks ago that it was crowned. My love is an Ionic bond, so unlikely yet present. Like Thanksgiving dinner with a Pheasant. My love, in short, is like the universe: it defies explanation, but, surely, not culmination.’, I finish reading, then stare expectantly at Tino (who is sitting next to me on the tram, while Carver and Lor hold onto the straps while standing), breathless, awaiting his reaction to my masterpiece. ‘Wellllllllll, what do you think?’, I ask, unable to suppress a giggle. I had NO idea that love poems were so easy to write, especially with such inspiration! Clearly, Lor should have taken that poem I wrote for her pursuit of Thompson Oberman.

Tino, blinking a few times, then opening his mouth and closing, finally just shrugs and says ‘It’s… Unique. Is it a crush thing? Is that why you’ve been acting so, um… Colorfully?’.

He’s noticing? Oh, oh, it’s going too fast! I need another 6 months, Tino! Slow down, you tiger, rowr~. ‘Oh, no, it’s not thattttt!’, I let my words melt like molasses, then grin at him again as I whisper seductively ‘I’m just really enjoying my time… With… You~’. I make it seem like I’m talking about Carver and Lor too, but I think you know who I’m ACTUALLY referring to.

‘Oh.’, Tino replies, dumbfounded, and after a few seconds, he shoots a dopey smile at me and adds ‘Great!’. Oh, Tino. So innocent, so unaware. I never thought I’d find that attractive, but I must admit, I do. It’s like you’re the Rubix Cube of boyfriends, and I am Jessica Fridrich, 10th place in the World Rubik’s Cube Championship of 1982 (held in Budapest, Hungary)! I WILL solve you!

Suddenly, the tram shakes us all up, the bumps on the road the cause of the chaos. I end up on Tino’s lap, and I smirk at him while he blushes, seemingly embarrassed. I’m not complaining, though, he feels comfy~

‘Oh, you know what we should do tomorrow?’, Carver suddenly pipes up, snapping his fingers. ‘Go to Tesla Park! It’s been, like, ages since we were last there!’.

‘Weren’t we there last month?’, Lor asks, calculating in her mind, clearly surprised that she noticed this, but not Carver.

‘Yeah, but I’m a kid. To me, this conversation is taking ages.’

‘Fair enough.’

Tino, however, gasps, seemingly remembering something. ‘Oh my gosh! I totally forgot!’, he cries, as he bolts up from his seat, dropping me onto the floor. ‘Ow!’, I cry out in frustration, shooting him an annoyed stare. ‘Precious cargo over here!’.

‘What car? Where did it go?’, Lor questions me, and I feel like pulling my hair out, but I decide not to. Instead, I gaze up at Tino to see what his explanation is.

But when he opens his mouth, I hear something that hurts me far worse than that fall. ‘Tasha! I totally forgot about Tasha!’, he shouts out in alarm, stabbing me in the heart with the sharpness of his realisation.

‘Forgot what, T?’, Carver asks, Lor looking curious too. I, however, am less curious and more mortified. Tasha! How could I forget about Tasha?! His… “Crush”.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

While I practice my woman eating tiger impression, Tino grabs Carver and Lor by the shirts and shouts ‘Tasha’s back today! She was on a family trip all of last month, remember?’.

‘Right, right! I remember!’, Carver replies, while Lor squints at him. ‘I don’t. Where was the trip to?’.

‘Oh, no, I don’t remember, but I figure if I say I do, Tino stops talking about it faster.’, Carver admits, making Tino roll his eyes. ‘I’m touched, truly.’, he replies, then gets back on track. ‘Look, the point is that Tasha is finally back tonight, and before she left, she agreed that we’d give “us” a go! We’re supposed to go to the Pizza Place tonight, then Tesla Park tomorrow!’.

‘Wait, what?’, Carver and Lor say aloud, both surprised (but clearly happy) for Tino.

‘WAIT, WHAT?!’, I exclaim in furious anger, hoping no one notices it. I can feel my cheeks turning red. Tasha has a date with Tino? WITH MY MAN?!

‘T, you dog!’, Carver congratulates him, slapping his back, while Lor gives him a loving noogie. ‘Look at our little guy, all grown up!’. Tino, chuckling, knocks them away. ‘You guys, stop! It’s just one date, it’s not like we’re official!’.

Then, apologetic, he backs down from his happiness to think of others, as he so often does. Sigh, he’s so lovely, even when he’s STABBING ME IN THE BACK BY PURSUING THAT PUNK FREAK! ‘But, oh, I was hoping to make up for last weekend! Are you sure you guys won’t be upset if I bail?’.

To their credit, Carver and Lor don’t display an iota of jealousy. Then again, they aren’t currently goo goo ga ga for Tino. And if they want to live to 93, THEY BETTER NEVER BE. ‘Dude, it’s a date! With your crush! If I got one with that shoe model, I would be ALL over that!’, Carver reassures, while Lor adds ‘Same thing with me and Thompson Oberman! We are SO behind you!’.

Tino is clearly grateful for this, and he high fives both of them, who are still grinning like idiots. I don’t feel like grinning, but when he turns to me, I know I have to play pretend. I CANNOT show my hand right now, not when Tino is brainwashed by that despicable Tasha! ‘What about you, Tish? I really don’t wanna be a jerk and ditch, but…’, Tino begins to explain, and I put on my fakest smile (I can feel my facial muscles stretching to their limits) and hiss out through gritted teeth ‘Whatttt? Nooooo, it’s totallyyyyyyyyy okay! I’m hap hap happy about it! Good for you… BUDDY!’, I shout out, punching his shoulder in a friendly way. Oh, dang, maybe too friendly, he fell down.

‘Oh, wow! Well, great! Everyone’s cool about this, then! Yippee!’, Tino cheers after standing up then, then waves goodbye to us as he gets off the tram. ‘I’m gonna head to her place! Later days!’.

‘Later days!’, Carver and Lor exclaim, but my “Later Days” is not genuine. Oh, I WILL be seeing you, Tino… I will…

‘You good, Tish? You look like a serial killer with that grin.’, Carver asks me, appearing concerned. Lor nods, adding ‘Or like one of those kids in those toothpaste commercials.’, shuddering at the visual.

‘I’m… Fine. Perfectly fine. I’m just going to walk over to the other side of the tram, if you don’t mind. I need to practice my… Curse words. It’s part of my English course. Because I’m from the Old Country and all that.’, I lie, walking over to the other side of the tram in a calm and composed manner.

‘...FUCK, SHIT, CRAP, PISS, SON OF A BITCH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!’.

…Okay, I’m better now.

SOME TIME LATER, THAT EVENING, AT TISH’S HOUSE…

‘I can’t believe this! I mean, seriously! What does “Tasha” (if that’s even her real name) have that I don’t?!’, I rant and rave as I march back and forth, throwing my arms all over the place, like a jilted lover who happens to be one of those noodle armed inflatable mascot people in front of stores. Shakespeare, floating above me, replies ‘Tino, for one.’

I grab him (which is crazy, considering he doesn’t exist) and I growl out ‘I will burn this!’, while pointing at my collection of complete Shakespeare plays. Now, of course, I would NEVER burn a book, but he doesn’t know that! Or, maybe he does? I don’t know, this hallucination business is confusing.

‘I’ll be a good hallucination!’, Shakespeare begs for mercy, and I grant it, just about. Letting him go, I collapse onto my bed and hug Waddlesworth, hoping his soft fur can sooth my frayed nerves. ‘Oh, Waddlesworth, what will we do? Your future father has more stuffing in his head than you if he thinks “Tasha” is a suitable mate!’, I whine into his plush ears, feeling the “feathers” soothe my skin.

‘If I may propose a solution: You could simply wait and see if this date even works out. After all, Tino and Tasha only share ONE interest.’, Shakespeare reminds me, but I shake my head, staring at my plan with concern. It can’t all collapse now, it can’t! ‘No, no! I need variables, I need information! I cannot proceed without KNOWING that I have no other competition, and Tasha is, somehow, competition. Blech.’, I gag, tongue out, then tap my chin in thought, racing for a solution of my own. ‘If only I could see them right now, but how?’.

‘Well, you could dress up like your non-existent cousin, who happens to look just like you, yet is the opposite of you, with the same name yet a different surname, like, Tish R.’, Shakespeare offers absent mindedly, reading some book. All I can see is the title on the spine: “Scandalous Chemistry”.

‘That’s hokey, who would EVER come up with THAT tripe?’, I complain, and Shakespeare agrees, tossing the book aside. ‘I need something better… What would YOU have written?’, I ask, and he scratches his head with his quilt. ‘I suppose I’d have you dress up as a boy, but that’s a ridiculous solution I reserve for my comedies, ha ha.’

‘No… No, that’s actually brilliant!’, I cry, leaping from my bed with a finger up in the air. ‘Tino would NEVER suspect someone as smart as me doing something so dumb!’.

‘Can I remind you of the key word here: Comedies? As in, acting foolishly?’, Shakespeare insists, but I shake my head as I prepare to head out, the mall my destination, the costume store my vocation. ‘Thanks for the idea!’, I cry, then slam the door.

‘Oi vey.’, Shakespeare exclaims from my room, but I don’t care. This is the perfect plan! Tino might recognize Tish, but he’d never notice… Tosh!

Yeah, I’ll explain when I’m there.

OVER AT THE PIZZA PLACE, THAT EVENING…

(Toxicity - System of a Down)

‘More wood fire for their ovens, loud customers
Neon reveries caught in the headlights of a delivery bike
Eating olive pits as a pastime activity
The toxicity of our zitti, of our zitti’

‘You, what do you own the waiter?
How do you own this order? This order
Now somewhere between the sacred slices
Sacred slices and cheese
Somewhere between the sacred slices and cheese
This order, this order, this order’

The Pizza Guy (with a red streak of marinara sauce running down one side of his face and eye onto his chest, which is bare) and his business partner (covered in flour all over his face and also shirtless) are shredding on electric guitars that are covered in shredded cheese, while the ovens billow out smoke as if it’s a real concert. On their drum (read: a giant cheese wheel) the word “Mozzallica” is printed out in blood red letters (though I suspect it’s just tomato sauce). Having said “This order”, they’re now putting out their microphones towards the “audience” (customers), each one shouting out their order. Chicago Deep Dish, New York Style, Grandma, you name it. Tino, of course, will order his usual: Large pepperoni with extra cheese. It’s all our usual, to be fair (sans me, vegetarian), but still, that’s HIS favorite. I don’t NEED to spy on him to know that, but I am anyway, because I’m trying to help him!

No, I’m not just saying that to clear my conscience. Shut up, Jiminy Cricket.

‘Large Pepperoni with extra che…’, Tino starts to shout out, only for Tasha to gag next to him. ‘Eww, I hate that, so basic! We should do pineapple and anchovy instead!’.

I don’t need to spy on Tino to see he’s growing green from that, either. But, I guess, he’d rather keep her happy than have what he wants, so he acquiesces as she orders the gross option (and I say this as someone who isn’t morally opposed to either pick. On Pizza, though? What is this, Nazi Germany?).

‘Are you going to order too, sir?’, The Pizza Guy asks me as he passes me by, his apron now saying “Kiss the Establishment’s Ass”. Catchy. ‘Who are you calling sir?!’, I ask, outrage sharpening every syllable. Hands on my hips, I feel insulted beyond belief. Sure, I’m not exactly the most traditionally attractive girl, but I’m NOT a boy!

…Oh god, I forgot about my costume.

I’m sure you can see how silly it is. I mean, look at me: I’ve got a fake moustache, a fake goatee, a wig to make my hair look shorter. I even exchanged my regular glasses for sunglasses, so I look all “macho”. My shirt says “Got Milk?” because I understand that’s popular for some reason, and my jeans look like they went for a trip through the nail salon (if the nail salon was made of sharp nails and not of, well, regular building material). How could I forget my alibi? ‘I mean, um… Yeah, man. I’m, like, a man, man. Manliest man to ever man, man. You feel me, man?’, I overcompensate the best I can, putting on a deep voice that makes me sound like the fattest guy in the world, hoping Pizza Guy falls for it. He seems to squint, maybe wondering if I look or sound familiar, but eventually he shrugs and says ‘Sure thing, dude. You got an order?’.

‘My usual… I mean, um, NOT my usual. Which is extra cheese with no pepperoni. So, um, yeah.’, I choke out, and Pizza Guy raises an eyebrow in confusion. ‘So… Yes or no on that one?’.

I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, cough, then run off to the table by Tino and Tasha. Hopefully, he’ll get that I clearly want that. Maybe. I honestly don’t know if I explained myself well. I’m kinda freaking out, after all.

I mean, this is a serious investment. I’m dressed up like a dude, spying on my best friend and his date, all so I can find a way to convince him that I’m better for him. No one told me this crush stuff was THAT complicated! No wonder I took so long to get one.

When I finally sit down by the table (and yelp, the thing is covered in spikes and satanic script), I hear Tino and Tasha talk. Finally, let’s see what’s got him thinking she’s so much better than me!

‘So, how was the trip?’, he asks, silly, dreamy look on his face. He’s never looked at me that way before. I doubt he ever will like this.

‘It was cool. We went to my family’s graveyard business in Death Valley.’, Tasha replies, sounding a little braggy when she does. Tino, looking a little spooked at that idea, chuckles uncomfortably and says ‘Well, um, that’s… Intense. Guess Halloween goes crazy at your house, ha ha, just like mine!’. Oh boy, Tino and his Halloween thing. Doesn’t he ever think he’s getting too old for it?

‘Halloween is for babies.’, Tasha cuts him down, making Tino back down, like a dog being told not to pee somewhere. Hey! How dare she? I mean, I think so too, but I don’t say it outloud!

‘So what do you do that day?’, he asks, and she absent mindedly replies while filing her nails ‘Oh, you know, go to a party. Girl-Boy party.’

Tino gulps, discomfort visible even from here. I can practically see the lump in his throat. I don’t blame him either. Girl-Boy parties are still scary for me, too. Clearly, Tasha is a different breed. ‘No clowns invited, I suppose?’, he ventures, and she rolls her eyes (Rude!) and replies ‘No, obviously. How else do we make out?’.

Tino turns fire engine red, and he’s not the only one. Is it getting hot in here too, or is it just those ovens from before? Which is probably a safety hazard by the way. ‘Have you… Done that before?’, he asks, and she laughs and nods. ‘Only a dozen times! You’re not my first rodeo, Tonitini.’

Now, see, if you ask me, Tino would find it a lot easier if his first girlfriend was someone just as inexperienced! Someone raw and fresh, who could make him feel less strange to the whole experience! Maybe someone with glasses, brains, and excellent taste in purple fashion. Cough, cough.

‘Well, um, I was thinking of going as Junior Dready this Halloween.’, Tino tries to change the subject, the thought of making out still clawing at his heart. For the first time since I began spying on both of them, Tasha’s eyes light up. ‘Oh, that would be righteous! I’m gonna dress up as the concept of systemic oppression.’

‘...How?!’, Tino and I both ask at the same time, which would be kinda cute, if it didn’t alert him (and Tasha) to my presence! Crap! ‘Oh, hey! Do I know you?’, Tino asks, confused, squinting at me. Okay, me, time to put those acting skills to good use!

‘Me? Is thoust speaking to me? There shan’t be anyfellow else betwixt here and there, so surely you speaketh to me?’, I recite in Shakespearean, then decide that’s too suspicious. Instead, I switch to more traditional dude talk. Thankfully, I took a summer course on it when I ran out of extra credit homework! Hopefully I’m not too rusty. ‘Like, dude, I don’t, like, even, like, know you, man. Does anyone, like, know anyone, really? I mean, if you think about it, no one truly knows each other, man. It’s just an illusion sold to you by the government, man.’, I improvise, not knowing what the hell I’m talking about. I’m just spitting out anything to keep the heat off of me.

Tasha claps her hands and points at me. ‘Yes, exactly! It’s, like, bogus, man.’

Tino, who still seems confused, tilts his head at me and says ‘Are you SURE I don’t know you? I just feel like we’ve met before, that’s all.’

Panic stations! Quick, Tish, say something! Something that will prove I’m not Tish!

‘...I’m Tosh. I doubt you’ve even been graced by my presence.’, I say in my usual way, which is a big mistake. Tino’s ears perk up, and he stares at me ever closer. ‘You kinda speak like my friend, Tish.’

FUCK! ‘Does your friend, Tish, say man all the time, man?’, I counter, sweating bullets, while Tino shakes his head. ‘Well, no, but…’

‘Ugh, can we stop talking to the weirdo? You’re supposed to be on a date with ME, remember?’, Tasha angrily reminds Tino, who sheepishly coughs and nods, apologizing profusely. ‘Sorry, Tasha.’ What a jerk. I definitely NEVER acted THAT way around him!

Wait… This is my chance! I can seed in some doubt! Yeah, yeah, I know that sounds really bad, but… But it’s for the greater good! Trust me! ‘So what are you ordering to drink? Pepsi?’, I ask, inserting myself into the conversation again, subtly sowing discord. Tino, politely nodding to me, says ‘Oh, yeah, probably! Your preferred pick too?’, but Tasha interrupts by groaning, adding with a scoff ‘That’s SO obvious. You should pick something more out of the box, Tino.’

‘Like what?’, we both ask, and she grins as she points at the menu, tearing a little hole with her nail. ‘Mug Root Beer!’, she declares, totally unaware of the fact that Tino HATES root beer. I don’t even have to look at his face to know he’s getting queasy. ‘Do we… Have to?’, he asks, and he instantly backs down when he sees her look annoyed. ‘You can at least TRY some of my stuff, Tino.’, Tasha says coldly, which makes me wonder a little about how I acted on our “date”. Now, though, I know that Tino doesn’t like being led around. He at least would want more of a back and forth. Ha ha! Surely that will make him tell her off, like he did me!

‘Okay, Tasha.’, he says, without any resistance at all.

…What a little bitch.

‘You know, Root Beer makes his stomach hurt.’, I say, insulted on his behalf, forgetting my alibi for a second too late. Tasha huffs and cries out ‘How about you don’t butt in, stranger?’, while Tino eyes me very curiously, almost up to my pupils. ‘How do you KNOW that? We’ve never met…’, he trails off, and I know I have to do something drastic to prove I’m not Tish! But how?

‘Your pies, man!’, Pizza Guy screams out, as if on cue, tossing our tables the pies. Good, I was starving! All this jealousy and espionage is making me hungry!

Oh, poop! He left Pepperoni slices on! I guess he DID get confused. Sigh, I’ll just pick them out, as per usual…

Wait…

That’s it! That’s how I prove I’m not Tish! Tish wouldn’t eat meat, but Tosh can!

Wait, but I can’t eat meat! It goes against who I am! It goes against my very nature! The poor piggy that got slayed for this… It’s making me cry, oh my gosh…

Tino, however, is still staring at me oddly. At that moment, I’m faced with a choice: Sacrifice my standards for one stupid slice of meat, or lose Tino to that weirdo forever.

…The things I do for love.

‘If I’m that Tish you keep mentioning (whoever that is, sounds like a pretty, awesome, incredible person to be friends and maybe more with), then would I eat meat?’, I ask in my Tosh voice, and Tino taps his chin, shaking his head. ‘No, she’s a vegetarian! Well, not exactly, she DOES eat fish and dairy and stuff, but, like, no meat!’.

‘Who cares?’, Tasha moans out, making Tino frown at her a bit. ‘She’s my friend, you know?’

‘And I’m not, because I LOVEEEEEEEEE eating meat!’, I cry, taking the slice and shaking it around. ‘I LOVEEEEEEE slaughtering poor, defenseless little swine babies and taking their innocent smiles and hearts, placing them into a house of knives and blood, and extracting from it a momentary joy that will never make up for the cries heard around that hall of evil! Oh, sure, now the world is bereft of life, whimsey, and cleanliness, but at least I got to have some greasy, oily, unhealthy pork in my stomach, right? Ha! Mwahahaha, even!’, I monologue like a maniac, then eat the slice full of pepperoni slices, chewing away like mad in front of Tino and Tasha, making sure they can see the meat in my mouth. ‘Mmmmmmm, yummy dead pigs!’, I declare, swallowing the whole thing with one big gulp.

‘...Good for you?’, Tino replies, seemingly dropping his suspicions and moving back to speaking to Tasha. Ha ha, great! Now he doesn’t think I’m Tish! Good thing I ate some meat!

…I think I’m gonna be sick.

‘Where’s the little gi… boys room?’, I ask Pizza Guy as I rush past him and towards the bathrooms. ‘Door on the left, dude!’, he cries out, then says ‘Stick it to the man, show him how you feel with that vomit!’.

ONE ESTABLISHMENT DEFYING PUKE LATER…

‘Okay, so that wasn’t exactly a success, but tomorrow is another day!’, I cry to Shakespeare as I take my costume off and hang it in the closet. Shakespeare, still doubtful of this idea, turns to me and says ‘Tish, do you not think that this could harm Tino? Would you not feel betrayed if he tried to stop you from dating someone you like?’.

‘Tino doesn’t know what’s good for him, unlike me! If he’s honest, deep down, he knows that!’, I retort, ignoring how selfish that sounds, then stare at my blueprint on the wall, the picture that forms of me and Tino still prevalent. I stare at the face I so wish stared at me instead of Tasha, and I whisper, with certainty and belief ‘I’m doing this fo(u)r you, Tino’ (Hey, that’s the name of the chapter!).

SUNDAY

(Gone, Gone, Gone - Phillips Phillips)

‘If you need help, if you need help
I'll shut down the city lights
I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe
To make you well, to make you well

When enemies are at your door
I'll carry you way from war
If you need help, if you need help
Your hope dangling by a string
I'll share in your suffering
To make you well, to make you well

Give me reasons to believe
That you would do the same for me

And I would do it for you, for you
Baby, I'm not moving on
I'll love you long after you're gone
For you, for you
You will never sleep alone
I'll love you long after you're gone
And long after you're gone, gone, gone’

I didn’t bother sleeping that night. Instead, I went through Tesla Park’s map, marking down every ride Tino could take Tasha to, plotting out how I could slowly reveal to him that she doesn’t share anything with him BESIDES Captain Dreadnaught. It resulted in dark circles around my eyes, plus the discovery of my Glyko coffee limit (18 cups, and no, I’m not vibrating, y-y-you are!!!), but at least I knew I was prepared! With this plan, I could help Tino break away from the evil Tasha’s spiderlike grip, and onto my loving, firm, never loosening arms! It’s foolproof, I tell you, foolproof! Hahahahahaha!

I have GOT to stop laughing like that. People might think I’m the bad guy in this scenario!

It felt strange to sneak out of my house in a costume, and even stranger when I witnessed Tino and Tasha outside of Tesla Park, waiting in line with me and a bunch of other kids and teens and parents. People kept giving me strange looks (maybe the goatee made me look TOO grown up?), so I tossed it aside. That earned me even stranger looks. Sheesh, you’d think they had never seen anyone shave before!

‘Isn’t that giant Tesla statue cool? I mean, the electric current and all that? Wicked!’, Tino gushes about the Tesla statue, and for a moment, I forget what I was doing. How had I not noticed before how positively endearing he was? I sigh deeply, my hand itching to replace Tasha’s. A heart floats above me, and I gasp, and toss it away. Can’t let him suspect…

‘It’s cool, I guess.’, Tasha shrugs, clearly disinterested. I don’t get her deal! It’s TESLA PARK! What, too up your own butt to care about something else?

Tino, noticing her lack of engagement, gulps and tries to save by pointing out a fact. I suppose he’s hoping she’ll be impressed by his intelligence. ‘Hey, um, did you know that Tesla, not Marconi, invented the radio? Yeah, in 1943 the Supreme Court declared him the true inventor, but the history books never got around to amending that! Neat, huh?’.

I agree. After all, I told him that, ha ha.

Tasha, meanwhile, just shoots Tino a look, as if he was… Well, me. Tino gulps again, then apologetically rubs his arm and says ‘Yeah, um, I actually meant that that’s lame. Yeah. I was just being ironic.’

‘Ooh, nice, irony is all the rage.’, Tasha says obnoxiously (I’d punch her but I’m not one to resort to violence… Unless provoked), then drags Tino away. ‘Come on, I want a Ham on a Stick.’

‘Oh, sure! I’ll get the chilli dog!’, he says, only for Tasha to shake her head once more. ‘We should match, it’s more romantic. Besides, everyone gets chilli dogs.’

Tino sighs again, but relents again. I’m starting to really feel bad here, honestly. I mean, I kinda did this too…

Snap out of it, Tish! I mean, Tosh! What matters is saving Tino from his (currently) terrible taste in women! Get a move on, chop chop!

Rushing towards the food stands, I pretend as if I didn’t notice him before, then bump into him with a fake “surprised smile”. ‘Oh, dude, no way! We meet again, man!’, I greet in my “Tosh” voice, offering my hand for a shake. Wait, don’t guys spit and shake? I should do that!

I spit on my hand (eww) and offer it to shake. Tino, also disgusted (points for that), gingerly shakes my arm instead, then says ‘What a coincidence! If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re following me and Tasha!’.

Oh, criminey! Quick, Tish, lie! ‘Why would I do that? That would be crazy! I’m not crazy! I’m just a normal guy who just so happens to be in the same place as you! You’re the crazy one! You are, you… Whackadoo Wallaby!’, I shout, wiggle my eyebrows importantly, then turn back to the food options.

‘...What?’, Tino asks, dumbfounded. Panicking, I change the subject. ‘So, um, what are you getting? I totally didn’t overhear what it is.’, I lie incredibly well, while Tino squints, then shrugs. ‘Oh, um, Ham on a Stick.’

‘How come, you prefer Chilli Dogs! Perhaps this girlfriend of yours (if you can even call her that) isn’t fitting you well!’, I remind him, then remember I’m not supposed to know that. ‘Are you, like, a mind reader or something? How do you know me so well?’, he asks, and I decide to change the subject (mostly). ‘SPEAKING OF FOOD, TOSH REQUIRES NOURISHMENT! WHAT’S AVAILABLE?’, I cry, then moan at the menu options, if you can even call them options. ‘Is there ANYTHING on this menu that isn’t meaty, greasy and drowning in gravy?!’, I shout out, eliciting another question from my secret crush. ‘Didn’t you say yesterday you love meat and killing pigs and stuff?’, he asks, confused, making air quotes in the air despite not actually quoting me (a pet peeve of mine). Rolling my eyes, I groan out ‘I mean, I love meaty, greasy, gravy drowned foods. I would just like something… Different, that’s all.’

‘Oh. Well, I don’t know about you, but my friend Tish likes to order the donuts, because they remind her of the sufganiyot her mother makes for Hanukkah! They’re pretty tasty too, filled with jam!’, he suggests, which is true, by the way. I DO love me a good donut, mmm… But when I fish for my wallet, I remember I didn’t bring it! I just had the pass from last trip to here! Dang it!

‘Oh, man, I don’t have any money!’, I bemoan my fate, only for Tino to INSTANTLY slap some money down on the stand. ‘Don’t worry, it’s on me!’, he says kindly, beaming at me, before rushing back to Tasha with the two Hams on a Stick. When I get the donut, I lift it a little, staring at Tino through the hole. A feeling swells in my heart, a painful sort of gasp that seizes my chest like a flu. Is this that thing they call love? A fascinating physical response. ‘I can’t let her have you.’, I say, after a long look full of contemplation and appreciation. ‘I won’t. I shan’t!’.

(Video Games - Lana Del Rey)

The first ride they go to is the Whip-A-Canoe, which is… Intense, especially for someone like me, but I decide to commit anyway. Except there’s ONE problem: There’s only space for two on a boat at each time. This will require a creative solution! Walking over to the ride operator, I slip him an IOU for 20 bucks. ‘A bribe?’, he asks, narrowing his eyes, and I gulp, fearing I will now be labeled a repeat offender by the Bahia Bay police.

Thankfully, the operator then shrieks with excitement, shaking his fists all over the gaff. ‘I’ve always wanted to be bribed! I’m important! Go right ahead!’, he winks, and I get to be the third person in the boat! Wait, is that bad? Is that dangerous? Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.

But when I see them together again, I decide it’s a good idea after all. ‘You know, first dates often make or break the chemistry between budding couples! …Man.’, I say, trying not to sound too intelligent, hoping such a comment could break the magic between them a little.

Tino seems a little worried about that, while Tasha seems to take it as a challenge. ‘Oh, Tino, we should sit close together to test our chemistry!’, she says with a flirty look, clasping him close to her. Tino gulps, blushing.

I’m red too, but not for the same reasons. Well, technically for the same reasons, but not with the same emotion. Growling, I strap myself on the opposite seat and ready myself for the ride.

Round and round and round we go. When do we stop? Soon, I crow! I think that donut is coming back up…

Focus, Tish, focus! We need to get Tino to see that Tasha just ain’t it!

‘WOAH, WOAH, WOAH!’, Tino screams, clearly a little unsettled by the ride too. I hope he doesn’t turn green, though. It doesn’t work well with his eyes. ‘Tino! Man up!’, Tasha berates him with a nudge, making Tino turn even greener. I’d slap her, but that would probably reveal my secret. That, and I’m not much of a slapper. You’d need Lor for that.

Still, I should say something! ‘You know, man, there’s no shame in getting queasy from a ride like this! See, it’s all about the centrifugal forces at play…’, I begin to explain, finger up in the air and eyes closed. Tasha might as well learn something before I remove her from Tino’s life forever.

Except that all that talking is a bit too much on my upset stomach, and I eventually let my donut return to the world outside my tummy. Where did it land, exactly? Let’s just say that my IOU has risen in value from 20 dollars to a 100. I’ll be working that debt off for a while…

While my queasiness was gone, my upset stomach wasn’t. The next ride the “happy couple” (yuck) went on was the Zeno Zero! Why am I annoyed, you may very well ask? ‘Because I was gonna go on that ride with Tino when the place first opened! He was busy with Operation: Matchmaker at the time, however, so we never got around to it! Now, sure, I wasn’t goo goo ga ga over him back then, but now I am, and I’m cranky!’, I rant to no one in particular, then look over to see if anyone heard that.

Francis is next to me, smiling that creepy smile of hers. ‘Pointy things!’, she yells, then runs off cackling.

Probably not a good sign that I’m attracting mad people.

Sneaking into the Zeno Zero, I see them: Tino and Tasha (it doesn’t alliterate off the tongue nearly as well as Tino and Tish!) are strapped into the car that will rise up, then freefall down! The experience is supposed to be life changing and terrifying! Why can’t it be OUR experience?! Getting into the car after them, I get a strange look from Tino and an annoyed look from Tasha. ‘Are you, like, gonna follow us all day?’, she asks suspiciously, while Tino asks ‘Yeah, it’s kinda freaky.’

‘I just happen to have a similar taste to you two!’, I declare, making Tasha scoff. ‘If Tino here had similar taste to mine, this date would be going a lot better. I had to force him onto this ride.’, she declares with an attitude that makes me reconsider my pacifism. Tino seems pretty upset too. ‘Lot better?’, he asks in that tiny, shivery, squeaky voice of his. He’s absolutely obsessing right now about making it up to her, I just know it. Look what you’re doing to him, Tasha! ‘You know, all this arguing… Are you sure you two are even a couple?’, I ask, wincing a little once it comes out of me. I really hope dating Tino is worth this moral breakdown.

Suddenly, Tino interjects, clearly desperate to please Tasha. ‘Hey, um, what if I win you a prize at that squirt rifle game?’, he suggests, eyes twitching from fear. I hate to admit it, but it IS a good idea. I should know, he won me a prize once.

…Wait, he won me a prize once! That’s OUR thing! TISH IS GETTING MAD AGAIN!

‘AAAAAAAAGH!’, Tino screamed in fright as the ride began to fall down onto the earth.

‘AAAAAAAAGH!’, Tasha screamed in delight as the ride began to fall down onto the earth.

‘AAAAAAAAGH!’, I screamed in envy as the ride began to fall down onto the earth.

As I’m sure you guessed, my expression didn’t change much when we reached the squirt rifle game. Tino was quite impressive, to be honest: he was shooting down the ducks perfectly, using the geometric skills I had taught him.

But that’s exactly why it hurt so much to see him win her that big duck plush, and why it hurt further when she seemed so disinterested. Tino winning me William Henry Waddlesworth meant everything to me!

…Was I reading too much into it myself?

No, no, it WAS important! It IS! Ugh, I have to do something about this!

QUITE A FEW RIDES (AND UPSET STOMACHS) LATER…

Well… I still haven’t managed to do anything about it.

‘Some girlfriend material I am. I can’t even keep him away from other girls.’, I grumble dejectedly, feeling like the last kid picked for sports.

Wait, I don’t like most sports.

I guess I was feeling like the first kid picked for sports, if the first kid picked for sports was me. Which would NEVER happen, of course, as I am far more suited to academic pursuits… Oh, come on, focus, Tish! See, this kinda weirdness is exactly why Tino prefers Tasha’s weirdness! You’re so weird, you make Tasha look good! Tasha!

Sitting by Tesla’s statute at the opening of the park, accompanied only by him and the eternal current he wields, I stare down at a special memory: My and my friends names written into the concrete of the statue’s base. Why we got the honor, I do not know; but it was a moment I’d never forget all the same. Think about it: If this park lasts until the dawn of time, then so does Tish Katsufrakis’ name! So does Tino Tonitini’s name!

Suddenly, the thought occurs to me, and I search for our names, only to despair: They’re separated by Moira and Carver’s names. It’s a silly thing to be upset about, but my poetic soul can’t help but read it as a sign. Maybe Tino and I just aren’t meant to be…

‘Tino, that’s the DUMBEST ride ever!’, a cry (clearly Tasha’s, considering how the sound of it makes my stomach turn) erupts across the park. It drops a little boy’s ice cream cone (which makes him cry), a man’s hot dog (which makes him cry), and an old man’s false teeth (which makes him shrug, I guess he’s used to it). I perk up from the cry too, and I sneak over behind a wall, spying on the “happy couple”. Call me Jane Bond!

Jayce Bond? Jace Bond? Jamesina Bond? Eh, I’ll figure that out later.

My eyes peel as I see Tino and Tasha’s relationship peel like an expiring banana. Tino seems quite surprised (in that way where you can tell someone is on the verge of tears or regret) while Tasha is throwing her arms around, making a scene (and I should know, as a darling of the stage). ‘Why do you think I would ever want to be seen in the Tunnel of Mutual Respect?’.

‘Because… Because we’re on a date?’, Tino asks, raising a solid point, in my opinion. Sure, it could be seen as a little cheesy, maybe even a bit much for a first date, but, well, look at me. I’m in NO position to disagree on how far one goes in the pursuit of love.

Tasha, however, doesn’t seem to share my view on the matter (shocker, I know). ‘It’s LAME and STUPID and NOT MY STYLE. We should do something I like.’, she declares, making Tino finally display the tiniest bit of spine. ‘Um, hello? Earth to Tasha? We’ve been doing the stuff YOU like the whole time!’, he cries out, looking surprised at his display of frustration. Personally, I found it endearing and characterful, but to each his own.

‘Tino, that is NO way to speak to your date!’, Tasha complained, making me want to facepalm. Dear lord, I mean, come on! Even I wasn’t THAT bossy! I think.

Stepping out of the shadows, I decide to backup Tino, cover or not. I’m his friend, after all. I owe him that much! ‘You know, like, man, like, you’re kinda, like, abominable and deplorable, man. Man.’ I add one more man for good measure, to counteract my excellent vocabulary.

Tino, clearly in a bad mood thanks to Tasha, shouts out ‘And there you are again! What the heck is going on?!’, while Tasha scoffs, shakes her head, and points at me ‘What are you, the dating expert? I can tell him whatever I want!’.

‘No, you can’t! Trust me, I learned that the hard way.’, I slip out, then clasp my mouth, grateful no one had heard that. Tasha, meanwhile, growls at me, so I growl back. ‘Lady, random dude, let’s not get all hurty hurty about all this…’, Tino tries to calm us down, but it seems like Tasha has had enough. ‘Tino! Punch this idiot, Captain Dreadnaught style!’, she commands, and Tino, at first hesitant and unsure, then shakes his head and puts his foot down. ‘No. That’s just not who I am.’, he declares, and I can’t help but admire him further. He stays true to himself even when under pressure… What a man, sigh…

Tasha, wearing a look as ugly as her, well, everything, puts her nose up in the air and waves him off. ‘If you like that jerk so much, why don’t you take HIM to the Tunnel of Mutual Respect?’.

‘Maybe I will!’, Tino shouts, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the Tunnel of Mutual Respect. Wait, what??? I’m NOT ready for that at all! That wasn’t in the plans until the 5th date, which I haven’t mapped out completely yet! Step 4876 probably, if you’re curious.

Tino might not be strong, but I’m not strong either, so it’s easy for him to carry me towards the boat and get us both strapped in. The ride controller gives us an odd look, then shrugs. ‘Eh, love is love.’, he declares, making me blush a little. On the other hand, he thinks we’re gay and approves. Kinda awesome of him, gotta admit.

It no time at all, the pale pink boat we’re on sails through the clear water, illuminated by the deep orange sunset high above the sky. I don’t actually know WHAT’S inside the tunnel, now that I think about it. Must be PRETTY romantic if it’s all about mutual respect and all that! Maybe there’s, like, animatronics of Eros (Cupid’s real name) and Aphoridite, or maybe they play the greatest love songs of all time, or maybe there’s a real display of a human heart, so many options! Oh, now I’m all excited to find out what it is!

…

It’s nothing. It’s just a dark tunnel. With running water. And a dingy boat. And awkward silence.

TO WHAT END?! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO INSIDE THERE THAT WOULD QUANTIFY FOR ROMANCE AND OR FUN?!

Well, whatever it is, I’m not finding out today. Personally, I’m just grateful that Tino hasn’t figured out that I’m Tish.

Speaking of Tino, he’s been awfully quiet. I should probably say something. ‘Hey, um… You okay, duderino? That whack ass babe back there was really bein’ a despicable cad… Or somethin’.’, I try to extend my sympathies (while also reminding Tino of how terrible Tasha is), only to get a surprisingly frustrated frown from him. ‘You don’t have a right to talk!’.

‘Like, why?’, I ask, hiding my insulted feelings. I do SO have a right to talk!

Tino points at me, prodding my chest (thank goodness I’ve not hit puberty yet, or that would have exposed me instantly). ‘Because, I don’t know, you angered my date and got me stuck here with you? Is THAT enough of a reason for you, or should I add the fact that you’ve been following me all day, not to mention yesterday!’.

‘Man, I was just, like, trying to help! No need to be all grouchy about it, man!’, I shout back, but Tino’s not letting off. Grumbling and grunting, he replies ‘Oh, yeah, sure, you helped a lot! You helped me fumble my crush! If you were really trying to help me, you would have supported me!’.

‘Well, I was trying to support you! Tasha, however, is not my friend, so I don’t have to support her!’, I shout back, then clasp my mouth and wince. Why, Tish, why did you just say that?! Now he’s going to know for sure!

I’m proven right instantly. Tino squints, remembering that sentence from the past, then gazes into my eyes. Disguises all have a flaw, of course. I can hide my glasses with contacts, I can hide my long hair with a wig, I can hide my feminine traits with masculine traits…

But I can’t hide my violet eyes, no matter how hard I try.

‘Tish?! YOU’RE Tosh? YOU’RE the one following me?!’, Tino declares in outrage, all dramatic and pointing his finger in the sky. I’d roll my eyes, but I can’t quite blame him. This isn’t a great look for me.

Still, I’m not gonna go down without a fight! ‘So what if I am? I was just trying to help you!’, I cry out defensively, ignoring the guilty pangs in my chest, crossing my arms in response to that pain. ‘Yeah, I bet you were! You were trying to “help me” lose Tasha because YOU think she’s not right for me!’, Tino retorts accusingly, and I bite my lip, acting skills disappearing at the worst time. ‘That’s… Not totally wrong, but…’, I begin, and he really starts looking outraged now, laughing maniacally as he grins at me with disbelief and shock. ‘No buts! I can’t believe you’d do that to me! That’s low, Tish, as low as it gets!’.

‘Now just a second! I would never ACTUALLY ruin your date! All I did was point out illsuited you two are to each other! There’s a difference!’, I claim, though my eyes shift. It’s a weak argument, I’ll admit, and it’s not much better, but it’s the truth! You saw me! I never ACTUALLY hurt their time together!

‘That’s.. Not totally wrong, but…’, he begins, and I callback with a smug smirk. ‘No buts! I may have resorted to unsightly methods, but my intentions were purely philanthropic!’.

‘Can you stop Tishing for a moment, we live in a land of English speakers.’, he says rudely, clearly still miffed at my behavior. While his eyes glaze over in frustration, I shout out ‘I AM speaking English! Ugh, I said that I may have acted like a jerk, but I was only trying to help you!’.

‘Yeah, because you know better, right?’, Tino retorts, arms crossed, eyebrow raised, tone full of disappointment. I shrivel a little at that, but I still keep up my end of the conversation. ‘I just happen to this time, yes!’.

I then quickly add ‘Most times, but I digress.’

Tino groans and holds his head in his arms. ‘I really thought what happened last week made you see things differently, Tish! How would YOU feel if I tried to mess up your date?’.

‘But I WASN’T trying to mess it up, I was TRYING to show you that you and Tasha have NOTHING in common!’, I shout out, waving my arms, as we both rock the boat with our frustrated hand movements.

‘Dang, someone is having a GOOD time in there!’, a voice calls out from outside the tunnel, making me blush a little, all while Tino keeps up our ocean voyage debate. ‘We DO have things in common! One thing, admittedly, but still!’, Tino reminds me, and for the first time, he sounds less convincing than me. This is my chance!

Wearing my most “tut tut” face possible, mixed in with a healthy dose of “you should know better”, I reply to his assertion with one of my own. ‘Tino, a relationship cannot be founded purely on Captain Dreadnaught!’.

‘Tell that to the creator and his wife. They have nothing else in common, and they’ve only divorced three times! Marriage 4’s been going real strong.’, Tino hits back, but weaker. You can tell that he’s running out of steam, while I’m just picking it up, like a steamboat! Toot toot! ‘I am pretty certain your mom told you the same thing, am I right?’, I say in that syrupy voice of mine, when I’m teasing someone about a fact we both know. Tino, blushing a little, huffs and mutters ‘Maybe.’

Continuing my lecture, I lay my proper claim out, finger up in the air, eyes closed, as if I’m lecturing a course on “Tino Mating Practices”. ‘Tino, I understand why you’re upset with me, and I feel bad for resorting to this, but I swear it came from the heart! You’re my best friend, and I lo… Care about you greatly, and you deserve a girlfriend who ACTUALLY treats you well! Tasha wasn’t! You saw her: Bossing you around, calling all the things you like “stupid”, acting in publicly humiliating ways… Wow, that sounds a lot like how I was acting last week, dang…’, I trail off, then return to my point, still as confident and sure as before. ‘Regardless! Maybe I WAS being judgmental, but I was right, no? She was being a total jerk!’.

Tino doesn’t have to know that there was more than one reason for all this. I technically didn’t lie.

Tino bites his lip, clearly considering it, but just as our boat departs from the tunnel and ends up at the harbor, he climbs out, helps me climb out…

Then drops my hand instantly, leaving me.

‘Maybe you meant well… But it was still a dirty move, Tish. Tasha might not be perfect, but she clearly likes me enough to go on a date with me! It CAN work, no matter what you think! You’ll see!’, he yells at me, walking away in disgust…

Only to freeze as he spots something. What? What did he see…

Oh.

Oh no.

I wanted Tino to see Tasha was wrong for him…

But not like this.

On the bench looking over at the Tunnel of Mutual Respect, Tasha could be seen sitting with another boy, who looked just like her.

And let’s just say they weren’t just sitting.

‘Now we’re talking! You actually look good AND you have better taste than that Tino kid! Let’s ditch, huh?’, she offers him, and he accepts, the duo walking off hand in hand, not even bothering to notify Tino that the date was over. Tino, still frozen in shock, says nothing. His jaw drops, then closes. A familiar look floats over his face. I know that look.

It’s the same look he has every time his dad is mentioned.

I thought I would be all a gloat when this moment came, but instead, I feel terrible. Being right doesn’t feel right right now. I’m such a bad friend! I spent half the weekend trying to ruin my best friend’s date, all because I was jealous! Now he looks like a puppy left out in the rain, and I feel like a… Like a…

(Jackass sounds)

‘Moving through, jackass salesman.’, a man says, walking by with a bunch of donkeys.

Yeah, like those! I feel like those! Wow, how convenient!

All thoughts of romancing Tino, claiming him as my own, even saying “I told you so” about Tasha disappear from my mind’s eye. All I can think of now is how badly I want to make it up to him. But how?

Walking up to him slowly, silently, I place a gentle hand on his shoulder, and say the only thing I can think of saying… And the thing I find hardest to say to boot.

‘I’m sorry. I was wrong.’

‘You were wrong? Uh, no, you were horribly right.’, Tino retorts sadly, but I shake my head, refusing to take this as a victory. It’s anything but. ‘No, I was wrong. I was a big fat jerk. If I thought Tasha didn’t fit you, I should have just talked to you about it, instead of… Whatever the heck this all was. This isn’t who I am! At least, it’s not who I want to be.’, I apologise, rubbing my hand and feeling terrible. I can’t believe I went so far… What is this crush doing to me?

‘Well, that’s true… But you WERE right, and I was in total denial. She was acting like a big fat jerk too, and I couldn’t see past my emotions.’, Tino admits, staring off at the sunset sadly. I stare off too, a realisation coming to me. ‘I know how that feels.’, I admit, and we share a look. Not quite a smile, not quite a nod. More like… Understanding.

Last week, Tino went out of his way to make me feel better… And this is how I repay him? No. He deserves better. And I think I know how.

‘You know, the day isn’t over just yet… Maybe we could do the things you actually wanted to do at Tesla Park? With no Tasha… Or Tish bossiness?’, I offer, truthfully, a sorry smile that’s begging for forgiveness placing itself on my face.

Tino stares at me, surprised at first… Then, that adorable smile of his lifts up, full of gratitude. ‘I… I would like that.’

For the next hour, we spend what’s left of our weekend at Tesla Park, following Tino’s lead: We get some food he actually likes in his stomach (that chilli dog he wanted; He got me a bun with only beans in it, so I won’t eat any meat, which is VERY messy, by the way, but I’m super graceful so I found a way to stay clean); we go to the rides he ACTUALLY wanted to go on with Tasha (specifically, the clown coaster that he’s no longer afraid of, which thankfully DIDN’T make me throw up, but DID make my Tosh wig fly out of my pocket and land onto a bald man’s head. He seemed happy, though!) and the Shakespeare boat ride, which really surprised me, until he explained that it was because he never wanted to be the only one that chooses, and he knew I’d like this ride. If I had any doubts about this crush before… Le sigh~); and we even got cute matching keychains of Nikola Tesla for our backpacks! Kind of a couple thing, heh heh heh.

Which is why, when we’re atop the Ferris Wheel (which got stuck AGAIN, they really have to figure that thing out), staring off at the lingering orange skyline, before it turns into a deep, beautiful blue, like the blue of his eyes, I decide to act like a proper crush… And treat the object of my affection properly. ‘Tino, this was an awesome evening… One I really don’t deserve.’, I say, feeling tears come to my eyes, only for my oh so confusing friend to whack my head. ‘Hey! I don’t deserve that, though!’, I cry, rubbing my noggin, but Tino is quick to explain. ‘You sounded like one of those cheesy cartoons with the life lessons at the end! It’s okay! I mean, it really wasn’t okay, but… Like I learned last week, you mean well, even when you act like a jerk.’

I DID mean well… Mostly. I mean, by the end, I could really see how wrong she was for him. It wasn’t JUST jealousy!

But yeah, there WAS another motive… One I feel like I can act on. Not go for, just yet… But one I can begin to get moving, with Tasha out of the way. Fluttering my eyelashes, I put on my crushy voice again and slur out ‘Oh, Tino, you’re WAY too understanding. I find that VERY endearing in a man~’, I flirt, wondering if he’d notice.

‘Gee, thanks! What a compliment!’, he says genuinely, then adds ‘And, I mean, you WERE right. Tasha was a class A jerk. If I’m gonna have a girlfriend, I would want her to be… Well, I don’t know, better than that.’

‘Oh, I could think of a few parameters…’, I giggle, then smirk hungrily, spotting an opening. He looks over at me, tilts his head cutely, and asks ‘What do you mean?’.

‘Well…’, I start counting in my fingers, attempting to sound innocent (when I’m not being as subtle as a drunk goat farmer during Purim). ‘You’d want her to be, I don’t know… Smart? Sweet? Someone you could talk to about anything, like a best friend?’, I start off composed, then end with an excited shriek/giggle, staring into his eyes expectantly, urging him to show a sign, any sign of returned affection.

Tino stares at me blankly, blinking here and there, and for a moment it seems like he doesn’t get what I’m saying…

And then, suddenly, he gasps. Oh my gosh… Is this it?! So soon?! I’m not ready, but at the same time… GIMMIE!

‘Tish, oh my gosh, you’re brilliant! I get what I have to do now!’, he declares, all joyful and happy. Then, he turns to me…

And gets on one knee?!

AGA WAGA LAGA SHNEE SHNEE FAWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PALAYLY!

Sorry, got lost there for a moment. What I meant was… OH MY GOSH, TINOOOOOOOO, I KNOW I’M IRRESISTABLE AND ALL, BUT LET’S DATE ONCE OR TWICE BEFORE WE TIE THE KNOT! HEHEHEHEHEEHEHE~

‘Tish… Would you…’, he begins to say, eyes closed, all dramatic and humble, as if he sees me like some beautiful and divine goddess he’s courting. I must say, Tino, if this is how our relationship is going to be, I’m regretting not falling in love with you sooner! Okay, big guy, lay it on me! I’m yours!!!

He takes a deep breath, opens his eyes, and says…

‘Help me decide which of the girls at school I should date?’

…What.

As I stare off blankly into space, Tino begins to go on and on about his idea, excitedly waving his arms as he explains it. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before, I mean, it’s perfect! Sure, you have about as much experience in dating as the rest of us, but unlike Carver and Lor, you’d actually know what you’re talking about! You saw right through Tasha, so maybe, like, you’d be able to find the right match for me! It’s kinda perfect, really, since we spent all that time figuring who’s right for you! It’s, like, poetry or something! What do you say, Tish? Help a pal out?’

I slowly, excruciatingly, turn my head towards Tino, realising that I’ve gone from the frying pan into the fire…

And I choke out through gritted teeth, with twitching eyes and a fake smile ‘Sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I’d… Love to! Anything for a pal… Pal!’, as the sigh behind me that says “Ladies and the other word, um, guys… The wheel is experiencing delays” glitches out, leaving only a select few letters, that spell out:

“LATER DAYS”

TO BE CONTINUED…