Chapter Text
When it was already dark outside, Remus woke up. Finally getting to experience the moment he missed this morning. Sirius was still asleep next to him, all soft and pilant, so different from his usual sharp fetures. He even was glad for the hair in his face. Those beautiful, shiny black curls. And the smell, the smell of his wonderfull Sirius his love, his boyfriend. But then something different mixed in. Something stinging, pungent, smoky. Smoke. Cigaretts.
Suddenly, the memories of the last few hours came back. Sirius not being there, smoking inside, smoking outside, the bathroom, his arm - blood. The biggest mistake he had made in a long time.
Remus eyes got watery again but he managed to hold it back.
Sirius stirred, his nose scrunching as he woke up, the taller boys face burried in his hair. He snuggled closer.
“Good evening love” he whispered with a soft voice and a genuine smile on his face.
“Hey”, the brunette whispered back.
“´r you ready to talk?”
“Not really, but I don´t think I ever will be and I know we have to, so let´s just get it over with.”
Remus said it sarcastically, but they both knew, there was more behind it than a joke.
“Would you fancy a cup of tea?” Sirius knew, that something warm always made his boyfriend more comfortable.
“Yeah, that´d be nice”
For some time, none of them moved, until Sirius eventually pulled back a bit, pressed a kiss to his lips.
He sat on the edge of the bed for a while, watching as Remus still struggles, eyes glassy and unfocused. So he pulled him up, holds his hand as they walked into the kitchen and takes him to sit on the corner bench. He filled the kettle and turned on the stove, waiting for the water to boil. In the meantime he set out two matching mugs and put tea bags in both.
When the kettle whistled, he poured water over them and handed one to Remus.
”Can we at least go sit on the sofa?”
”´cause love.”
He took Remus´ unoccupied hand and practically dragged him to the living room. They sat down.
Sirius set his mug down on the coffee table and draped a fluffy blanket over them both. He took Remus face in his hands and looked him directly in his eyes.
”We´ve been through this before, but I just need you to know that I love you, no matter what we discuss right now, no matter what you tell me or what happened, okay?”
He only got a small nod as an answer, and let go of his cheeks.
"So can you tell me, what caused ... this?"
"It was just ..." Remus dragged in a shaky breath and tried to pull himself together, rubbing his face in his hands.
"Probably the most honest answer I could give you is I don't really know. I kind of missed you a lot this morning, and by all means, this is not your fault, but it was so fucking hard to get out of bed." He had to blink back a few tears and clear his throat before he could talk again.
Sirius stayed still, waiting for Remus to continue.
"So I ended up smoking inside, because I needed a smoke. But it ended up being too much and also I'm so fucking sorry, for breaking our rule Sirius. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get out."
He spoke so fast, his words practically tumbled over each other. The tears he had tried to force back started running.
Sirius softly ran his hand through Remus' tangled curls and the taller one leaned into the touch. Seemingly, it was grounding him, his breathing eventually slowing down to normal again, the sobs turning into quiet sniffles.
"So, can you tell me some more?" Sirius asked after some time had passed.
"I still had to write this stupid essay for uni, so I tried, but I couldn't. Everything was foggy."
He started to cry again.
"I couldn't do it. I wanted the feeling to go away, so I went outside and smoked again, but it didn't help ..."
"It's okay ... It's okay." Sirius murmured and pressed a kiss to his hair.
"I thought it would get better if I ... I didn't know, what else to do. I'm so fucking sorry Sirius."
Sirius pulled Remus into his lap and the brunette immediately snuggled into his chest. Sirius rearranged the blanket and pillows around them until they were comfortable.
"Thank you for telling me love. You did really good."
"I hate to ask this, but I fear I have to."
He said after a long stretch of silence.
"Do you have any other hidden tools?"
Remus pulled back from his chest and looked up with puffy red eyes. He had to collect himself. He considered lying, but in his current state, Sirius would know instantly. Apart from that, he wanted to get clean. For Sirius.
So he pulled himself together and looked into Sirius storm grey eyes, that were full of concern, and gave a little nod.
"I'm sorry." he whispered.
He received a tight hug and a kiss to his hair.
"Can you tell me where?"
Somehow, the only thing Remus felt in that moment was shame. He should've just been honest the first time.
Sirius would help him.
"In the bedside drawer ... and behind the bookshelf."
"Alright, thank you for telling me darling. I'm going to get rid of them. I love you."
"I love you too."
Intertwined as they were, they sat on the sofa for a while. Remus snuggled against Sirius chest, listening to the thumping sound of his heartbeat. Sirius still stroking Remus' hair and back.
"Sirius?" Remus said quietly.
"Hmm?"
"Thank you for preparing breakfast."
"Of cause, my love."
He leaned down and their lips collided in a chaste kiss. Remus kissed him back, the kiss growing more intense. They both smiled into it.
"Thank you for going through this with me." The taller one said, when they parted.
"Anything for you."