Chapter Text
Jack wakes up to Harleen’s face in front of him. He furrows his brows.
“You’re awake! Hurry, we gotta go!” She exclaims, pulling on his arms.
“What- why?” Jack asks, grabbing his bag and then following her.
“Bruce knows who we are! He overheard me and Pamela talking about.. stuff. We ran from him before he could say anything.” Just as Harleen said her name, Pamela catches up with them, taking an earring off. Only now, Jack notices they’re both dressed in their clothes from last night.
“What?! Harleen!” Jack scolds her for another minute straight before Bruce appears in front of them. Jack shrieks, clutching his chest.
“Jack.”
“Yes..?”
“You’re the Joker, aren’t you? And Pamela and Harleen are Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn.”
“No..” Jack looks back at the girls and stares at them with a ‘back me up, here’ look.
“Oh, right! We have no idea what you’re talking about, B-W.” Harleen slowly inches away from Jack, causing said man to scoff.
“Yeah, I think you’re hungover.” Pamela adds.
“I only had two drinks last night.”
“Really? I could’ve sworn you had fi-“ Bruce glares at Jack, making him shut up.
“Why didn’t you guys just tell me?” Bruce asks.
“Uh, maybe because you’re a gazillionare that probably has his own 9-1-1 crew?” Jack crosses his arms.
“Why would I- you know, what? I do have my own 9-1-1 crew. And I’ll call them if you guys don’t tell me the truth.”
“Why would we tell you the truth if you already know it?” Pamela asks.
“Because.. I need concrete evidence for when I file a report.”
“Like we’re gonna give ourselves up!” Jack exclaims, grabbing Harleen and Pamela’s hands and sprinting past Bruce and down the stairs. Running towards the front door and opening it. Jack shrieks again.
“Batman!” He places his purse in front of his face at an attempt to hide himself.
“Joker!” Harley and Ivy roll their eyes. Of course Batman didn’t bother to say their names. “And Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy..” The vigilante grumbles. “Anyway, why are you terrorizing Bruce Wayne?”
“What the- We’re not terrorizing Bruce Wayne! We’re just.. visiting him.” Joker splutters.
“Undercover?”
“Well, one of his neighbors might call the cops.”
“He lives on an island.” Batman utters.
“Which brings us to the question: How did you get here so quickly?” Harley asks.
“Uh.. he lives in my attic.”
“Wait, so I’m on top of the Batcave right now? Gross.” Ivy looks down and grimaces.
“Don’t be rude to Batman, Ivy.” Harley elbows Ivy in the stomach.
“Ha! So you are rogues!”
“Uh.. Girls! Cause a diversion!” Joker yells. The girls quickly start breaking anything and everything in their sight. Joker grabs a plant and throws it at Batman, who easily dodges it and picks up Joker by his shirt collar.
“Hey! Put me down!” Joker starting thrashing in Batman’s hold. “Girls! Help me!” Ivy and Harley make eye contact, before walking towards and out the front door.
“Aren’t you gonna help me?!”
“Sorry, Puddin’, but we only cared when we were in jeopardy, as well.”
“Yeah, bye, man.” Ivy waves before running off with Harley. Joker stares at the open doorway with a look of slight hurt, that he quickly covers up with a flabbergasted expression.
“Harley!” He calls, but the girls are out of sight and Batman is already placing the cuffs on Joker’s wrists. The bat walks him to the Batmobile, and practically throws the clown in the back.
Joker is silent when Batman starts the engine. Joker is silent when he drives off the island. Joker is silent, yet surprised when Batman pulls into an alley.
“You’re quiet for once?” He asks, and Joker looks up, his eyes glassy and slightly red.
“Yeah, well, they always do this. Classic girls, heh.” Joker smiles, but Batman notices it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Just wish they wouldn’t treat me like a thirdwheel all the time.”
“But you are a thirdwhe-“
“I know, Bat-brain. But they always make sure to rub it in my face. Usually, I wouldn’t care, but I guess I’ve just been a little extra sad, lately.”
“Extra?”
“Ugh, I shouldn’t have said anything. My hungover brain is on autopilot right now, just ignore everything I said.” Joker leans forward and slams his forehead on the back of the passenger door.
“Okay..” Batman mutters. He knows not to push when it comes to this stuff, so he drives out of the alley and drives to a different destination.
After a few minutes of awkward silence, Joker speaks up. He hasn’t really been paying attention to where they were going.
“So, where’s the birdie, today? I kinda missed him.”
“Oh, he’s at school.”
“On a Sunday? During Summer Break?”
“Wait, no, I think he’s at science camp, or something.”
“Oh. Well, that makes sense. Though, I figured Robin didn’t go to school anymore.” Batman freezes, he was talking about Richard. He continues when he realizes he didn’t say his name.
“Yeah, he’s a nerd.”
“Don’t be mean! Isn’t he your kid?”
“Don’t tell me how to parent my child.” Joker giggles, before staring out the window and furrowing his brows.
“Where are we going? This isn’t the way to Arkham..”
“Yeah, we’ll, I figured you could use a break from everything. I’ll be right back.” Batman walks out of the Batmobile and into the store they stopped at, ignoring the dozens of people asking him what he’s doing.
A few minutes later, he walks out with his arms filled with bags, some of them hanging off of his utility belt. He struggles to get the door open, but eventually manages to do so. He places the bags in the passenger seat, and takes a seat.
“So, your idea of a break for me is going grocery shopping for you?”
“Shut up. I brought you makeup wipes, because, uh..” Batman doesn’t say anything else and just hands Joker a mirror, micellar water, and wipes. Joker looks at the mirror and winces when he sees his makeup smudges and all that’s left is a few tan spots on his mostly-pale face.
“Thanks.” Joker goes back to get the wipes and water, when a Batman makes eye contact with him. The caped crusader stares into Joker’s big green eyes for a few beats longer than necessary, before returning his attention to the other bags.
“I, uh, also have some snacks for you.” Batman mumbles, passing some bags to Joker. “I didn’t know what you liked, so I just bought the whole candy aisle.”
“Literally. Where did you get the money for this? This must’ve cost like, a hundred bucks. It’ll take me a while to pay you back for this, heh..” Suddenly Batman is reminded that Joker lives in the lower class economical-wise and a hundred bucks for candy is a lot to him.
“Uh, don’t worry about it, you don’t need to pay me back.” Joker looks at Batman with a grateful look in his eyes. The clown quickly covers it with a grin, though. As he begins to pick out all of the sour candies from his bag and placing them on his lap.
“I left the chocolates and uh, sweet ones for Robin. Is it okay if I take some for Harley and Ivy, though?” Joker asks. Batman frowns at the sound of their names. Why would Joker still bring them candy even after how they treat him? Though, Batman should’ve figured Joker is generous when it comes to them.
“Um, yeah, that’s fine. But, don’t start eating some, yet. I have to take you somewhere, first. You can eat the candy there.” Joker makes a confused expression, which Batman finds endearing childish.
“Okay, I’ll just wipe off my makeup, then.” Joker begins wiping off his makeup. Batman stares at him through the rearview mirror and is shocked when he finds out that Joker’s ‘makeup’ is just his natural face.
“Wait, you don’t use makeup?” He asks.
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t use makeup when we fight?”
“Oh, I do, but just to enhance my features, I usually add purple eyeshadow underneath my eyes to make them prettier, though.”
“And you’re succeeding.”
“Well, I never noticed that.”
“Yeah, no one usually does.” Joker says, and it sounds sadder than it should be, so he chuckles to try and make him sound cheery. It just makes him sound like a sad clown, though. Which, technically he is, but still.
“Okay, we’re here.” Batman announces, parking.
“Oh, yay!” Joker exclaims, stepping out of the car with his candy bag. “Oh, wait, don’t mind my clothes. I look like a mental hospital patient. Where are we?” Joker asks, jumping from one topic to another, as always. Batman doens’t think Joker looks like a mental hospital patient, he’s just wearing a black t-shirt and pants.
Black suits him.
“The carnival.” Batman replies. He doesn’t think Joker noticed, but he put together a small picnic basket in the car.
“I love this place!”
“I know you do.”
“I figured. Suits the whole clown look, and all.” Joker giggles.
“What’s that?” He asks, pointing at the picnic basket and blanket Batman hid in a grocery bag.
“Nothing.”
“Okay. Let’s go!” Joker starts walking to the entrance, and Batman holds his hand, which takes the clown by surprise, but he smiles, nonetheless. A little bit of blush creeping on his face.