Chapter Text
iMessages to Valentina, Francesca’s iPhone
Francesca:
How is she
Valentina:
I’ve seen her worse
Francesca:
When
Valentina:
My wedding
Francesca:
That’s not reassuring
Queers of The Realm iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Bestie:
We’re here where is everyone
My Mica 💚:
You do realise we’re entering after all the guests are sitting down
Heterophobe:
It’s 11:30 and the only person here I know is my wife
Phallus:
It doesn’t start for an hour would you relax
Heterophobe:
I swear to GOD if you’re late Phillip I’ll kill you
My Mica 💚:
Also you won’t be let in after 11:55
Phallus:
WHAT
WHY
My Mica 💚:
It’s a security risk after the family start arriving, how many events have you been to?
Bestie:
Where are the others at the moment?
My Mica 💚:
El and Pen are probably about to leave KP, Frans is with Hy finalising dinner set up. We’ll leave soon.
Phallus:
Just got off the tube I’m less than 10 mins away you all need to relax
The Heir & 7 Spares iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Benny 🩷💜💙:
If you don’t all get off your phones mummy will kill you
Ant:
Not if I do it first
Benny 🩷💜💙:
There we go
Pen's Husband:
Where is Michaela going
Eldest Daughter:
She’s going in first!!!
The Baby:
It’s probably the twins
Ant:
Are they okay
The Baby:
I think so, I just know they were fussy and out of sorts this morning
Pen's Husband:
So was Thomas, there must be something in the air
The Bigger Baby:
Whatever it is, mum looks pissed
Eldest Daughter:
Pen and El aren’t even here yet it’s fine
Benny 🩷💜💙:
How the tables have turned
Eldest Daughter:
Shut up
Francesca:
We’re back the girls are fine, El and Pen just arrived it’s showtime
The Queers of The Realm iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Bestie:
That was beautiful
Heterophobe:
Very nice, even nicer when you approach today as less of “here’s your royal title” ceremony and more of a “fuck you to marriage” ceremony
Bestie:
I feel the need to reiterate that my wife loves me
Phallus:
Are you sure
Heterophobe:
Shut the hell up
I love my wife deeply, but I also love any queer person overthrowing any heteronormativity
Bestie:
Amen to that
Phallus:
Is anyone else joining us where did they all go
Bestie:
Formal family photos
Heterophobe:
The garden party isn’t for another 2.5 hours surely it doesn’t take that long
Phallus:
The news also mentioned a balcony appearance do you not read
Heterophobe:
No I don’t read royal news, feels underhanded. I prefer to go straight to the source
Valentina:
The source is unavailable
Bestie:
Hiiiiii
Heterophobe:
You count as the source, you married into it
Phallus:
When will you be available tho
Valentina:
I can only check this because I’m feeding Thomas right now
We have photos, then balcony, then 3–4 as a break to get ready for the garden party
Gotta bounce
Heterophobe:
Sounds like my cue to go home and take a nap
Phallus:
How did y’all get out of photos aren’t you married into the family too
Bestie:
Not close enough, thank fuck
Phallus:
Okay well can I come back to yours we could spend the next 2 hours pre drinking
Heterophobe:
Pre drinking for tea? Grow up
Phallus:
Says the woman carrying a flask
The Heir & 7 Spares iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Eldest Daughter:
The timeline is already behind, we won’t have a full hour after the balcony
The Bigger Baby:
How long will we have
Ant:
If we’re lucky 45mins
The Baby:
But we gotta travel to wherever our stuff to change into is
Ant:
You were all offered a room here
Benny 🩷💜💙:
You weren’t planning on going back to KP were you
Ant:
Do not be late to the bow room we cannot afford anymore setbacks
The Baby:
I live 500m away calm down
Pen's Husband:
No one’s going back to KP, ours and El’s stuff is at Frankie’s place
The Bigger Baby:
Fuck
Eldest Daughter:
Please tell me you’re not gonna be the weakest link today
The Baby:
Likely place for him to be
The Bigger Baby:
OI
Pen's Husband:
Oi what where is your stuff
Benny 🩷💜💙:
He’s making a phone call
Ant:
Bloody hell
The Baby:
Woah Anthony almost swore this is serious
The Bigger Baby:
My stuff is on its way to Hy’s place
The Baby:
Who says I’ll let you in
Eldest Daughter:
Hyacinth
The Baby:
Alright fine if I have to
Ant:
You have to
The Family Braincells iMessage chat, Francesca’s iPhone
Francesca:
Thank fuck for tandem breastfeeding
Sapphic Sister:
Amen to that
Bestie’s Sister:
How’s it going are you gonna be late
Francesca:
I’ll be done when they’re done???
The Baby:
Everyone here is doing just fine we will be in the bow room by 4pm
Valentina:
Elsie hasn’t destroyed her dress and we have a backup in the car
Eldest Daughter:
Cari is hungry so her clean dress is a ticking time bomb
Bestie’s Sister:
Plain rice crackers only
Eldest Daughter:
This isn’t my first rodeo
Sapphic Sister:
I just gave Alex a banana we gotta get this show on the road
Bestie’s Sister:
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
Bananas are WET
Francesca:
They finished and then Gigi immediately vommed on Mica add 10 minutes to our eta
Eldest Daughter:
Respectfully you do not have time to feed her again
The Baby:
No the ten minutes is to get the vomit and smell off Michaela
Bestie’s Sister:
Violet might burn something can you make it five
Valentina:
We are doing our best
Eldest Daughter:
Worst case Michaela can come later
Queers of The Realm iMessage group, Penelope’s iPhone
Phallus:
There’s not enough alcohol here
The People's Consort:
It’s afternoon tea
Phallus:
I said what I said
Heterophobe:
I think it’s fine
Phallus:
Share your flask coward
Girl Kisser:
What have I SAID about keeping my wife’s name outta your mouth
Heterophobe:
Bring your own next time
Penelope:
Stop drinking dinner isn’t for another three hours
Phallus:
Then stop making me talk to old white men
Girl Kisser:
Isn’t that your type?
Phallus:
Fuck off
The People's Consort:
Literally who is making you talk to anyone
Phallus:
My boss wants me to smooch for donors
Heterophobe:
Sometimes I love working for capitalists
Actually I always love my job
Phallus:
If we had socialism a botanist trying to preserve endangered plants wouldn’t need to crowdfund
Penelope:
If money is what you’re after then try Lord Foxton, Lady Munhill and Lady Dearling
Phallus:
Thank you you’re a godsend
Girl Kisser:
Lottie promised to take me to the secret playground byeeeeee
The People's Consort:
Kate’s gonna kill her
Penelope:
That’s not our problem
Here By Choice iMessage group, Penelope’s iPhone
Ant Eater:
You guys support me right
You’ll back me up
One Word Wonder:
I don’t wanna over commit
Bi Squared:
Maybe. I love you but you’re psycho sometimes
Penelope:
We support you within reason
Ant Eater:
I think killing my sister is very reasonable
The Revolutionary:
How did I know that this would become our problem
One Word Wonder:
What
Bi Squared:
It’s the job of little sisters to annoy you, what did she do now
Ant Eater:
She took Lottie and Bel to the playground
Penelope:
We’re gonna need more than that
Ant Eater:
They’re covered in mud
The Revolutionary:
Now when you say covered…
One Word Wonder:
No need to get involved, Daphne will get to Edwina first
Penelope:
God help her
Ant Eater:
She does not need your sympathy
Bi Squared:
Kate, babe, perhaps you could let your sister live until the end of Eloise’s reception
Ant Eater:
Why should I
Queers of The Realm iMessage group, Penelope’s iPhone
Heterophobe:
There’s not enough time to get ready for dinner
The People's Consort:
And you waste your precious moments in this chat
Girl Kisser:
We’re in a taxi thank you very much
Penelope:
You’ve got almost two hours
Heterophobe:
Plus 15 minutes each way
The People's Consort:
You’ll still have over an hour
Heterophobe:
To get ready for a black tie event
Phallus:
This is a real negative energy you’re bringing
Heterophobe:
Not everyone wants to look as shit as a man who gets ready in ten minutes
Girl Kisser:
We are letting you into our home out of the kindness of our heart
Penelope:
We just got back to St J if you guys could please not kill each other before dinner
Heterophobe:
No promises
Phallus:
Is there gonna be anyone at the reception that I can hook up with
Penelope:
No
The People's Consort:
Maybe
iMessages from The Revolutionary, Penelope’s iPhone
Penelope:
SUSH
The Revolutionary:
It’s fine
Penelope:
He’s gonna suspect something
The Revolutionary:
In four hours he’s gonna be sucking dick in a palace bathroom and he’s not gonna care
Penelope:
Perhaps you make a point
The Revolutionary:
And I’m still in shock you managed to get the son of a random peer on the guest list
Penelope:
There are perks to Violet not knowing the details of her children’s lives
Queers of The Realm iMessage chat, Penelope’s iPhone
Phallus:
Why am I so far back I’m not a peasant
Heterophobe:
Are you sure
Phallus:
You’re not even that much closer than me
Heterophobe:
It’s enough
Phallus:
I am TITLED
Heterophobe:
Hardly. Your title is below my subsidiary title 💅
The People's Consort:
You two are both insufferable
Girl Kisser:
Hey! That’s my wife you’re talking about!!!
Phallus:
One day I’m gonna get a husband who protects me like Eddie protects Cress
Heterophobe:
Go cry about it
Penelope:
Violet made the seating chart and then El, Frankie and I edited it a little
Phallus:
And you left me up the back? Rude
Girl Kisser:
Deserved
The People's Consort:
It’s nice that you’re on time for something for once but if you’re complaining I have to assume the seat next to you is still empty
Penelope:
Quiet you
Phallus:
What did you do
Penelope:
That’s for me to know and you to find out
Girl Kisser:
And Mics knows
Heterophobe:
We have to assume El and Frankie as well
The Heir & 7 Spares iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Eldest Daughter:
Hate to admit it but that was a lovely speech Ant
The Baby:
I can’t believe he pulled off a month of not being annoying
Francesca:
I don’t think he did I just think it got to the point mother wouldn’t have let El change her mind
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Despite the fact mummy was changing fifty details every day for the last week
Ant:
Big talk from the lot of you 😤
Pen's Husband:
Organising is mummy’s stress relief
The Bigger Baby:
And yet she never organises anything. She sorta just moves things in circles
Francesca:
Don’t make me dread her speech more than I already am
Queers of The Realm iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
My Mica 💚:
Where the fuck did Phillip go
Heterophobe:
Bathroom I think
Valentina:
You’re kidding
Francesca:
That was fast
Bestie:
What are you guys up to?!
My Mica 💚:
Not important El is about to give her speech
Heterophobe:
She won’t be happy he’s missing it
Valentina:
Fear not, I’ve sent Colin to find him. Violet will never let something happen without him
Francesca:
Insulting but you’re not wrong
My Mica 💚:
Colin’s walking into a warzone
Heterophobe:
Deserved
Bestie:
I’m getting hungry how long will they be
Phallus:
YOU FUCKING TRAITORS
Valentina:
Faster than I expected
Francesca:
Sit down and shut up El is about to give her speech
Phallus:
Alright but I wasn’t finished
My Mica 💚:
That much was obvious
Valentina:
Thank god my husband loves me
Phallus:
I think you’re on thin ice
Valentina:
Lie. He’s obsessed with me
Heterophobe:
Yeah it’s sickening
We Are Just Girls iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Francesca:
That speech was so beautiful 😭
Valentina:
Even better than the drafts
The Baby:
You got to see the drafts??? Unfair
Valentina:
😌
Francesca:
“It is not lost on me, the significance of my title. Not just being the first woman in my family to get such a title outside of marriage, but to be given the honour of carrying our father’s legacy.” 🩷🩷🩷
The Baby:
I cried and then punched Gregory when he mocked me for it. Beautiful experience
Francesca:
If there’s a photo of that punch mother will kill you
The Baby:
Worth it
The Heir & Seven Spares iMessage group, Francesca’s iPhone
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Gotta give credit where it’s due, mummy’s speech was much nicer than I anticipated
Francesca:
It’s almost as if she felt love? Empathy? Pride in one of her children other than Colin?
The Baby:
Or she just has a good speech writer
The Bigger Baby:
You could be right (for once)
The Baby:
🖕
Pen's Husband:
You people have no faith in her
Eldest Daughter:
That is correct
Ant:
I know she put a lot of effort into it, I’m glad it paid off
Benny 🩷💜💙:
That’s true, sometimes it’s a swing and a miss
Francesca:
Sometimes is generous, I’d say more often than not
Queers of The Realm iMessage chat, Francesca’s iPhone
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
193 unread messages I hate you all
Phallus:
You’re alive!!!!
Bestie:
Congrats on today!!!
Heterophobe:
Not all of that was us
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
Most of it, this chat alone was 114 messages
Heterophobe:
I rest my case
Phallus:
Are we going out anywhere
My Mica 💚:
Going where today was 12 hours long
Francesca:
Felt like double that
Valentina:
Preach. I’m going to bed.
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
Why do you wanna go out???? Don’t you have a man?
Phallus:
Yes but I still don’t wanna miss out on a party
Francesca:
Was two parties in one day not enough
Bestie:
Never is for him
Heterophobe:
What do you mean “have a man” you’ve been stuck in a royal reception for the last four hours weren’t you next to an ambassador
Phallus:
Creepy stalker, yes, but only one side
Neither of us know how you got him on the guest list
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
Consider it my first act of community service as duchess
Valentina:
No one’s allowed to tell the Duke of Lancaster
Bestie:
Odd request not sure how we would
Heterophobe:
You mean to tell me you got a high ranking duke kicked off the guest list so you could replace him with a random gay man
Francesca:
Not random, first son of a Marquess
Heterophobe:
You did this for PHILLIP?$?!
Phallus:
Hear that??? I’m gonna outrank you 😘
Heterophobe:
NO
When people asked for diversity in the peerage they didn’t mean two white men born with titles consolidating their power
Phallus:
YOU MARRIED THE SISTER OF THE PRINCESS OF WALES
Heterophobe:
A BROWN HINDU WOMAN
Phallus:
THE FUTURE KING IS YOUR BROTHER IN LAW
Heterophobe:
JEALOUS MUCH?!
Phallus:
I COULDA PULLED BENEDICT IF SOPHIE WASNT IN THE PICTURE
Francesca:
Okay he’s not wrong about that
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
As entertaining as it is watching Cress and Phillip battle it out, I’m going home
Valentina:
This has been fun we’re going home to bed
My Mica 💚:
I’m already in my pyjamas. Perks of living where we had dinner
Francesca:
I’m on my way!
Bestie:
Babe I already called a taxi
Heterophobe:
Coming 😘
My Twinsie ❤️🩷:
Mother is demanding we’re all at church together in the morning. Goodnight and thank you all for today. Love you all ❤️