Chapter Text
Derek started small. Looked away from the screen for five seconds. Ten seconds. A minute. Longer and longer, until he was able to move around in his room.
His head ached, and each step was agony, but as long as the computer was on, he could stay conscious.
Eventually he was even able to clean away all the trash and filth that had been gathering around him into bags and bring them outside his apartment. Even such a small thing as that had been a difficult task.
Still, it paled in comparison to the pain he felt waiting for Avery. He couldn’t intervene. Couldn’t reach out to him, not before that influencer reached him first.
Derek was in a perpetual state of nausea; fear and dread clenched in every muscle of his body.
He knew logically Avery was safe. But the idea that something could happen to him at any moment wouldn’t leave his mind. Life was so fragile. It started and ended in a second. Avery was a black transgender man. That alone put him in more danger.
Derek thought of all the people he would interact with. At work, online, on the street… It made him sick.
He did what he could to protect him in small ways, with the limited resources he had. He hacked into CCTV cameras to monitor him as he walked home at night. Recorded every time line and path that could lead to danger.
Even small things to keep Avery from getting hurt.
It made the anxiety lessen.
But the horrible things he’d lived, the deaths he’d experienced, the atrocities and cruelty would come back into his mind just as suddenly. The pain would feel unbearable again. His body would be desperate for real sleep. Sometimes he would hurt himself just to distract from the endless screaming in his head. The curse that disgusting homunculus had left on him made his hatred and bitterness grow as each day, each hour passed.
Days blended together, and so did memories. Everything hurt, inside and out.
And then the day finally came.
When he heard Avery’s voice for the first time, the others faded into the background of his mind. When he laughed, the screaming turned to white noise. When he breathed, Derek could. His heart, beating so painfully against his chest in an endless panic, could harmonize with its gentle rhythm.
When Derek was with Avery, he felt like everything would be okay.
Chapter 2: God’s only Knight
Ed lay in a pool of his own blood, a cut deep in his neck. Derek could see the bone of his split spine. He’d spread trashbags across the floor as a tarp so that the mess could be cleaned more easily, but he had to work fast.
He sighed, locking his door.
He’d chosen the perfect time. Neighbors were either on their way to work or asleep. He’d broken the security cameras beforehand, which were all trash in the first place.
The easiest part was covering it up.
Ed happened to be the perfect victim. A drug dealer who’d been in prison for seven years. The police wouldn’t give a flying fuck he was gone, and no one in his life would miss him. He didn’t even use his legal name for that reason, which would make him even harder to track.
Derek had considered different ways of disposing of it. It wasn’t too hard. He chose the path with the least amount of risks.
No one would know, and the world would be a little better.
Avery’s life would be better.
~
Avery hummed to himself as he stocked the shelves, tapping his foot. Ed hadn’t come into work for the past week. Derek told him that it was clear now he was gone, so he wouldn’t have to worry about putting up with him again.
They'd been playing together every day. Avery’d never been more excited to get up in the morning and go to work, just so he could get home and hop on with him again. Even thinking about it gave him butterflies.
It had been a couple years since Avery had a real friend. He had a few people he would talk to occasionally, sure- though ‘talk’ was a strong word. Sending a message and being ghosted for a month before getting a three word reply couldn’t really count as that.
Most people in his life had distanced themselves after he came out. It was sort of a second hand shame thing. The types of hesitant glances you got as a homeless person on the side of the road.
He had a feeling it was his own fault, somehow. He wasn’t entirely sure.
But it was better not to think about any of that.
Avery was packing his things for the day, just about to lock up when the door opened.
“Sorry, we’re-“ he froze. It was his manager, a woman in her mid thirties. He didn’t know her name, nor bothered to. He didn’t see her on location very often. His stomach dropped.
“Good evening, Avery. I just wanted to stop by. I know you’re heading home soon.” She gave him the typical corporate smile.
Avery forced one back. He wasn’t sure how convincing it was.
“Oh, yeah…! Of course! What can I help you with?”
“Ed hasn’t been clocking in for the last week, nor has he called in for leave. I tried to contact him and received no reply.”
The fuck does that have to do with me? Avery slung his satchel over his shoulder, adjusting the pins on its strap awkwardly.
“Anyways, I thought maybe you might know what’s going on.”
“No ma’am, I’m sorry. I haven’t seen him either.”
“Mmm. I see. Oh, yes! There’s another thing I wanted to ask you about. I'd rather speak about it with you in person now, if that’s alright.”
“Oh… um… sure, what is it?”
“I heard you filed a sexual harassment complaint to HR against Ed.” She tilted her head ever so slightly.
Avery’s whole body tensed, and he quickly chose a nice corner of the wall behind her to dissociate at.
“A safe and comfortable workplace is very important to me. Whether or not Ed returns to this particular space is irrelevant. What can I do to make things better?”
That’s not my job. Avery was sick of answering questions like this. With his ‘friends,’ bosses, coworkers. Why did he have to do the work for them? So Avery answered the way that would make the conversation end the quickest.
“Aha… well, you know. He just sort of, like- brushed against me sometimes, touched my shoulder or leg, things like that. I don’t even know if he did it on purpose. It wasn’t too bad.” He gritted his teeth behind his closed smile, digging his nail into his palm.
“I just figured I should report it for professional purposes.”
“Hmm. Alright. Well, I want all my fema-
rather, excuse me, those more susceptible to harassment to be safe. So feel free to contact HR or even myself directly and we can help you out.”
Gee, there’s nothing that makes me feel safer than being misgendered.
“Can I go home now?” He couldn’t help it. It just slipped out.
“…Of course. I’ll lock up tonight. There’s some work I need to do.”
“Oh- uh… okay. Thanks.”
“Have a good night. Let me know if you get in contact with Ed.”
“Will do.”
Avery booked it out of there, making sure not to glance back behind him.
There was something eerie about an empty mall at night. The bright fluorescent lighting, white walls and floor, paired with the dark through the windows. Most of the stores were closed or just closing up.
He’d felt so lonely walking through this building before. Sure, it was only a week ago, but the change was palpable. He felt happy to get home rather than dread about his next shift. The bus ride back was… neutral. At least it became less of an opportunity to regret every life choice he’d ever made.
Avery checked his phone, head leaned against the bus window. Wifies had DMed him again. It was so hard not to reply. The guy was his favorite YouTuber, after all.
But… he trusted Derek, and all the messages had to do with finding him. Unfortunately, the guy seemed legit, and was making progress on his own, somehow.
Avery sort of felt bad about it, so his mind began to drift elsewhere.
He had tried to ignore the way Ed behaved around him after he was outed. He really did, but it just kept getting worse. So he filed a complaint about a month ago. He’d sort of forgotten about it.
Not because it had gotten better, but it had pretty much become part of the routine for him.
The way Ed treated him wasn’t for his own gratification, in the sexual sense. It was a way to humiliate him. To make sure Avery knew how he saw him, and make sure everyone else could be reminded too.
The way he’d found out was stupid. Avery left his drivers license out. Ed saw it. He immediately started acting aggressively from then on, maybe because he was embarrassed he hadn’t clocked him until then.
Avery wasn’t really sure how to process it. He was used to his body not belonging to him. He wasn’t okay with it, sure, but… as horrible as he knew it was, it hadn’t felt as violating to him as others described the same experience. He hadn’t talked to anyone about it. He hadn’t had anyone to talk to that he trusted.
Avery got off at his stop, rushing down the road to his apartment. He basically sprinted up the stairs, tripping. He caught himself on the railing.
Dammit…every time, I swear.
He caught his breath, pausing for a second before walking more carefully to his room. He burst in, throwing his bag on the bed and throwing himself onto his desk chair. He sent Derek a text.
-“im back!!!”
-“Hello :) how was work?”
-“Ehhhh, kinda crap.” Avery was still a little shocked at how fast Derek responded to him. It felt like he knew exactly when and what he was saying before he’d even finished typing it out. Maybe he did? It confused Avery sometimes.
-“I’m sorry :( Ed hasn’t come back, correct?”
-“nope! You were right!! my manager did come in today asking ab him tho, that’s why I was a lil late :/”
“I’m assuming it didn’t go well”
-“It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. I don’t like her. She’s never done anything super super atrocious, but-
it’s the small things.”
-“I know exactly what you mean.”
Avery hesitated for a second. He started to type and then stopped.
You just met this guy a week ago.
He backspaced the rest.
-“VC?” He sent instead.
Derek’s voice had a general flat tone with a gentle energy, comforting in almost a maternal way. It was calm and soft. Avery’s favorite thing about it was how he could hear him smile. The way his voice changed and his cadence became lighter and more expressive.
Derek listened to Avery without interruption. He never sounded bored, never judged. He listened intently to whatever Avery wanted to share, even though he knew everything about him already.
They talked about serious things, small facts about themselves and their pasts.
Avery learned a bit more about Derek each time they spoke together, though he still didn’t know much.
Only that they lived in the same city, and that Derek was currently unemployed and living off his savings. Avery had offered help he couldn’t really afford, and of course Derek refused. Avery had tried to ask more questions, but strangely Derek didn’t seem to like talking about himself.
“Do you have any iron?” Avery asked as they entered a shallow cave in Minecraft. “My pickaxe broke.”
“Mhm.” Derek threw a stack of ten on the ground.
“Thank youuu~!” Avery leaned back in his chair, resting his cheek in his hand.
“You know, it’d be nice if I could have a face to match that handsome voice of yours.”
He’d been wondering what he looked like for a while, but hadn’t said anything.
Derek was suddenly very focused on strip mining into the wall.
“Derek~?”
“I’m sorry. I just- I’m not in the best state right now. I’d rather you not see me like this.”
“What do you mean? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’ve just been kind of… sick for a while. All that knowledge shoved in your head at once doesn’t feel very good, and it- It has an affect on your entire body.
“Oh.” Avery felt a stab of concern. He always knew it must be difficult, but Derek hadn’t spoken of even an ounce of that kind of distress up to this point.
“I mean, I don’t want to push you or anything, but… I wouldn’t judge either way.”
“I know.”
“Right. Are you sure you’re doing okay? If there’s anything I can do-“
“Keep talking to me, spending time with me- That’s all.”
“Oh.” He tried to keep his reaction minimal, but it melted him to hear it.
“Oh, well. I was already planning on it, so… But seriously, tell me if you need anything.”
He followed into the narrow tunnel after him. Derek glanced back at him, and Avery shift crouched.
“Hello~!”
“Hey you. Are you going to help me out or what?”
“Yeah, yeah, just give me a second.” Avery placed the crafting table then branched off of Derek’s tunnel into another wall, pickaxe in hand.
“You’ll let me see your face someday though, right?”
“Of course.”
“I’m glad.” Avery remembered the DMs.
“By the way, Wifies keeps DMing me.”
“Mmm. I’m not surprised.”
“I could just lie to him. It’s getting pretty hard to ignore. What if he thinks something happened to me?”
“At some point it will be necessary, but not yet.”
“Talking all cryptic I see.”
“I just don’t want to bring you stress.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want you to be stressed either.”
“That’s sweet of you.”
“It’s just normal people stuff.”
“It isn’t.”
“Well, it should be. Anyway, that’s not the point.”
“Soon. I have a plan for all this. You just need to trust me.”
“...I trust you.”
“Good. Everything I do is in your best interest.”
It felt like a bit of a weird comment, but Avery brushed it off. Derek had gone through something no other person alive had gone through, as far as he knew. He was going to say some weird things sometimes.
When they’d finished mining, they headed back to base- the one Avery had built. It was not nearly as pretty or interesting as Derek’s, barely more than a cobblestone box, but he’d tried his best. PVP was his thing, not building.
“Which chest is for ore?” Derek asked.
“Uhh…”
He opened one of them, quiet for a few moments.
“...I’ll organize them for you,” he said finally.
“Thanks Der~!”
“Put all your loose stuff in the empty chest, and empty the rest while you’re at it.”
“Kay. Seriously though, Derek… You don’t have any family or friends who could check up on you, do you? I’m sorry if it’s a personal question, I just- I want to make sure you’ll be okay.”
“I do. Don’t worry so much about me.”
“Got it. I just want to look out for you, you know? Like you did for me.”
“..Thank you.”
A few more hours went by before Avery had to log off.
“You should probably sleep,” Derek insisted, standing across from him back at his original build.
“It’s late.”
“Whatttt? Come on. Ten more minutes.”
“Don’t you have work tomorrow?”
“I mean yeah, but it’s a holiday. It’ll at least be more fun than usual.”
“Well then. We can play more tomorrow, as always.”
“I guess you’re right. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Sleep well, Avery.”
“Night, Derek!”
Derek ended the call and left the server, staring at the Minecraft start screen. He leaned back in his chair, the light from the PC reflecting in his eye. It stung, as it always did. Any sense of peace drained from his body, replaced with desperate urgency.
He logged into an untitled world, spawning in front of the yellow doors. He passed through them, feeling his consciousness melding into it once more.
In his mind he could feel the stale air in the corridor of doors, the grass on his boots across the floating islands, the biting cold of the desert, and the sickly sweet smell of the church courtyard. He scoured through each chest, searching for any codes or clues in the messages left behind.
He hadn’t been able to find anything yet. Nearing the final door again, he stopped, taking in a breath. He hadn’t dared to pass through it since he’d first witnessed the King.
He stole himself, picturing Avery and all his alternates, past and future, every reality in his mind.
It wasn’t long after walking through the shadowed landscape that Derek realized where he was.
Carcosa.
A chill went through his body, like a claw dragging down his spine. He wanted to run away. The urge to turn around was so intense it hurt.
He got into his boat and crossed the lake.
It only took one step into the temple when he heard a voice.
“Derek.”
His head pulsated, his vision going blurry. Dark spots creeped around his eyes like vines. He could barely think. He dug his nails into his head, biting his gums as hard as he could.
“Why do you return here? I’ve been watching you.”
Derek tried to steady his breathing, counting the seconds as he breathed in and out.
“I-“ he gasped, mid panic attack. “You-“
“Take your time.”
There was… amusement in his voice. He was enjoying this.
Derek gritted his teeth, hatred for the creature that had ruined his life digging into every tendril of his brain.
Finally he managed to compose himself enough to speak.
“I’m here to bargain with you.”
“Oh? How bold. What is it you wish to bargain for?”
“First you answer my questions. Why did you show yourself to me?”
“Why should a God answer the questions of an insect?”
“Becuase this ‘insect’ has control the one thing you desire the most.”
“Of What? My vessel?”
Rage filled Derek’s whole chest.
“He does not belong to you,” he spat.
“Not yet,” Hastur replied. “But he will soon.”
“You’d have to kill me first.”
Hastur’s laughter burst in Derek’s ears. It stung, piercing his mind like needles.
Derek raised his voice. “Why do you laugh? You failed the first time.”
It faded, leaving a ringing sensation in Derek’s head.
“That sort of knowledge would destroy any normal mortal in a mere moment, especially having as much internal damage as you do. You are a strong one. If I had realized that sooner, I would have chosen you.”
“What a shame,” Derek sneered. “What a waste of infinite knowledge you are.”
“Silence. You’ve no morsel of my plans for humanity’s desolate existence.”
“If your plans are as grand and intelligent as they seem, then tell me. Why Avery? He’s hardly an ideal selection for global conquest.”
“He is convenient, he is isolated, he is vulnerable. His genes promise a long lifespan. Besides, you should be thanking me.”
“I don’t understand.”
“With what I gave you, you should know how his story ends. Regardless of my interference.”
Derek gripped the edge of his desk, pushing his palm into its sharp edge. He could taste the sour metal of blood in his mouth. He swallowed, feeling the warmth of it run down his throat.
“He has me. And I won’t let that happen.”
“What affections you carry! You see him like a god, meanwhile he is nothing more than an ordinary, pathetic man, just as you allude to! Is that why you ask such useless questions?”
“He IS my God.”
Derek spoke loudly, heart pounding in his chest, summoning the passion and adoration that had allowed him to get this far.
“I will serve him, I will protect him, and I will do anything to keep him from your disgusting fate.”
“Oh really? What would you sacrifice? Your life? The world? How many innocent creatures would you be willing to destroy?”
Derek sat so stiffly his whole body shook.
“If I had to, anything. There are no limits.”
“Oh really? I’ve seen many come and go who claim similar sentiments. Never are they pure.”
“I’ll prove it to you. If you make a deal with me.”
“Hmm. Speak.”
“I could bring you a far more optimal vessel.”
“And how am I to believe you will do as you say, little knight? A sacrifice requires blood.”
“If blood you require, then blood you will get.”