Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Mattie couldn't help but pace around his room. His 'normal' tutoring sessions felt way different after he'd actually spoken to that stoic Katherine. Really, he didn't mind her mysteriousness and serious manner, because it drew him in. He was definitely one for the chase. Even though he was way out of her league.

He ran his fingers absently through his hair, pacing around his room--partly trying to stall. He had to leave any minute now, but he didn't even plan his outfit yet. He really dreaded the walk, 20 minutes, which wasn't bad, more-so plain boring. He rummaged through his dresser for an outfit that fit nice, and didn't show the curves of his developing body. His voice was already enough of a dead giveaway that he wasn't cis. He sounded disgustingly feminine, especially when he tried to be polite to others, which made his voice go up a few octaves.

He hated it.

He hated his voice, 

The way his chest was always out unless he ruined his posture on purpose. 

Hated the way that real boys stared him down in the hallways at school, trying to figure out if he was a boy or a girl.

He had a couple of choices for a shirt. Either a Pokemon shirt, a long-sleeved striped shirt, or some other ones which looked mostly plain.

Oh. That's the perfect shirt. He picked one up from the pile he threw onto his bed, flattening it out to inspect the graphic on it better. It was some niche, obscure band tee he thrifted. Pretty cool. He threw it on over his sports bra, throwing on the first pair of jeans he could find. He figured that should be good, not bothering to look in the mirror, mostly out of fear he'd look too feminine.

He grabbed his backpack from the corner of his room, slinging it over his shoulders lazily before rushing down the stairs. He hoped to just beeline for her house. God fucking damnit. He just realized he didn't have her number. Whatever. I hope she likes guests, He thought, hand reaching out for the door knob, until he heard the ever-so-slight sound of breathing behind him. He lurched back, looking over his shoulder. ''Oh, hey Dad.'' His shoulders tensed. ''I'm just heading out for tutoring, okay? I'll call if I need anything.'' He moved to open the door again, before his father spoke, ''Really, on a Friday? Well, do what you like, but please be a dear for me and buy me a pack of cigarettes on your way, Alice. Just the regular Canadian Goose ones.'' He spoke, knowing he hated that name. ''Dad, it's Mattie now.'' He sighed. ''Oh, right, anyways.'' He basically ignored his pleas not to be called by the name Alice. It didn't even suit him, anyway. ''And yeah, I can.'' He nodded. ''All right, have fun. I'm gonna take a nap.'' His dad, the big, burly man he was, stumbled into his bedroom. 

Mattie watched him go thoughtlessly, finally taking this time to leave. Slipping his shoes on, he plugged his headphone jack into the port his MP3 player hosted, switching through songs until a Sleeping With Sirens song came on, which he decided to keep on. Days like these, in the season of Autumn, leaves falling and leaving crisp hollows on the ground, trees gaining warm hues--he found peace. He didn't feel like buying the cigarettes yet, so he'd do it on the way home. He didn't imagine he'd be at Katherine's long, anyway. After a close-to-30-minute walk, he found the address that Katherine scribbled down onto a pink sticky note. Great.

He knocked on the door softly, recoiling slightly as if to prepare for a dog barking or something. Most people who he'd go to visit had dogs, especially ones that really liked to sniff crotches. Ew, gross. He didn't like dogs much. After a moment of spacing out, the sound of the door opening brought him back into reality. It was Katherine's father, most likely. ''Kath's upstairs. This is for tutoring, right?'' He spoke with stoicism and a certain tenseness, which is hard to tune into unless you really focus on it. Wow, that must be where his daughter gets it. He nodded at the question. ''You know the drill. Tell her to keep the door open, and ask for food if you two need it.'' He waited for a nod of agreement before walking away, leaving Mattie to race up the stairs, where the bedrooms were. It was obvious which was Katherine's, seeing as you could hear the music playing on her walkman. His dad would kill him for that, so he wondered how she got away with it. 

He knocked on the door nervously, knuckles itching to be cracked. ''Oh, Mattie. Come in.'' Damn, how'd she know? Well, I guess she'd been waiting. He opened the door, waving awkwardly. ''Hey.'' She sat up on the bed, patting the newly made space there was. The boy took that spot, putting his backpack on the ground. ''Take out your notes from last time. You have them, yeah?'' She asked, soft-spoken yet straight to the point. He nodded, pulling them out of his bag. He had almost forgotten them, but luckily he managed to find them in the hoarder's den of his room. Albeit very crumpled up and also wet in some places, but at least he had them. 

Time seemed to float by as the lesson went on, aside from the fact Mattie was a bit spacey the whole time and Katherine had to constantly redirect him to listen, which was embarrassing honestly. Besides that, everything was good. He was taking notes, while fighting zoning off to the sound of her voice. It was quite calming in the serious, solemn tone it frequently took on. After maybe an hour--he wasn't sure--he knew he had to ask his dad when he was good to come home. ''I've gotta call my dad, Katherine. I'll be back.'' He spoke quickly, rushing out. ''Um, salut,'' He spoke into the phone quietly as it rang, getting an answer a few seconds later. ''Dois-je renter a la maison?'' He spoke. He was mainly only speaking French just so Katherine didn't happen to eavesdrop. He didn't really take her as the type to, but better be safe rather than sorry. He heard nothing on the other end, aside from background noise he couldn't make out. His father then went into a ramble about how he was out with 'the boys', and how Mattie's mother didn't care about either of them because she wasn't home, which 'obviously' meant she was out getting absolutely pounded by 2 other guys while wasted. Definitely. 

''So can I come home or..?'' He asked, before getting completely hounded for it. ''Neither of us are there.'' was one of the things he made out of all the yelling. ''But dad, I don't know this girl personally, I can't just--'' His voice cracked apprehensively. ''I'm sure she won't care. Also, get my my cigarettes if you haven't already. Don't be a useless bitch like your mother.'' He almost physically recoiled at the words, sighing with irritation. ''I will give them to you tomorrow.'' He swallowed any pretense of a complaint. ''I can't let you come home, because I'm gonna make sure your mom never comes near this house again.'' He yelled. ''Um, okay, bye dad.'' He hung up, heaving a breath from his chest he was holding in. 

With shaky hands, he nudged open the door to Katherine's room. ''Oh, hi. Are you good to go?'' She asked. ''I can walk with you if you want, so you can get home safe. It's a bit dark out.'' She suggested, seeming to actually care. Why though? She's just his tutor. ''Oh, um.. About that. I know we are FAR from close, and what-not... but neither of my parents are home, and they don't really want me to stay home alone. Do you mind letting me crash the night, if there's a guest room? If not, I can sleep on the floor.'' He asked, sweat beading on the back of his neck. He watched Katherine's jaw flex while she seemingly decided in her head. ''Normally I don't have people sleeping over, but you can if that's what you need.'' She concluded. ''Thanks. No, actually. Thank you so much, Katherine.'' He smiled thankfully. ''...That is, if my dad allows it. He doesn't want me having sleepovers with boys.'' She sighed. It made his heart do a small jump in his chest, in fear and admiration. He was scared he'd have to spend the night alone in the house, and risk a potential break-in, since the house would be remotely unprotected, and Mattie's dad had loads of enemies, for some reason. The other part of him was flustered by being treated like a real boy. My dad doesn't want me having sleepovers with boys. He repeated in his mind. Boys.

''Oh, um. If not, I'm sure I could convince my dad to let me stay home alone.'' He scratched his head. Really, that was the last thing he wanted to do, but if it would be too much of a nuisance to convince her dad to let him crash. ''It's fine. I'll go ask my dad. Besides, we sort of do have a spare room.'' Katherine's voice was solemn. Sort of? Do you or do you not? He thought, just deciding to shut up. ''It's my mom's art room. It's pretty.. untouched.'' She sighed. Despite being usually unable to read the room, he could put two and two together. He gave her a sympathetic look. ''..Anyways, I should go ask. I'll be back. Sit on my bed if you want, just don't touch anything.'' She bounded off down the stairs, and Mattie noticed how she wanted to deflect from it. 

After maybe five-ten minutes of waiting--Mattie wasn't sure--Katherine walked back up the carpeted stairs to her room. ''You're fine to stay. If you want, you can sleep on the floor in my room, dad doesn't want anyone going in my mom's room. Family stuff. She has a lot of fragile things inside, too. It's not just you. I'm not allowed either.'' She clasped her hands together, sitting on the bed. ''I don't take any offense.'' He responded. ''Good, good.'' She paused for a moment, stroking her long black hair. ''I can give you a blanket and a pillow, I probably have spares. Sorry I can't make you feel more at home. I already had to practically beg my dad to even let you stay here.'' Mattie felt a tinge of guilt after Katherine spoke. ''Sorry.'' He spoke, words frail and shrill. ''Don't apologize. I just wanted to make sure you were all right.'' 

''..Thanks.'' He smiled to himself. ''Of course. I can't have my wonderful student upset after all. You pretty much have to be my top priority if I want to be a good tutor.'' She laughed to herself. What a dork. I mean, it's cute though. ''Student, huh?'' He echoed. I mean, I don't mind being a cute girl's priority!  

''Well anyway, if you're gonna stay the night, you should have something to eat at least.'' She suggested gently. ''It's fine.'' He shrugged. Truth was, he hadn't eaten in a while, due to stress. ''Oh, are you sure? My dad usually cooks a lot for us, so I'm sure he can make enough for three. What foods do you like?'' She asked. ''Um, pasta, I guess. Poutine, too.'' Mattie ducked his head. ''I'll see if my dad will make pasta or something. For now, I'm gonna grab some snacks. I'll be back.'' She exited the room, trusting Mattie not to mess with anything he shouldn't. It was nice, being trusted, without people being concerned for you whenever you're left alone someplace with sharp objects or medication. He knew why he wasn't trusted around either, but would always complain about it.

Quicker than Matt expected, she came back with a plate in hand. ''Here, for if you get hungry.'' Damn, she was actually really caring and attentive. ''Oh, thanks.'' He looked down at the plate, which held three red velvet cupcakes, the type you'd get from the superstore, and some apple slices. ''Honeycrisp apples are my favorite. They're really sweet.'' She noticed him eyeing the food. ''Help yourself. I'll probably have some later.'' She spoke absently, seeming to be looking for something underneath her sheets. Mattie jumped back slightly to allow her more room to search. He watched as she flipped the end of her blankets over and picked up a laptop. Looking at it better, he saw the stickers on it. Homestuck stickers, and some assorted ones, mostly having flowers and animals. He watched her boot up the laptop, clicking the Roblox client. He wasn't a stranger to Roblox, but it wasn't often he'd sit down and play it. He liked webcomics and visual novels more than video games.

He boredly watched the screen, seeing her open up a game and start building. From the efficiency and speed of how she built, he assumed this was a passion of hers. She seemed to be building a sort of temple-like thing. ''It looks nice,'' He commented, causing her to fluster a bit and turn her screen further from his vision. ''Oh- thanks..'' She smiled. ''It's nothing much yet, really.'' She turned her screen back. ''Still looks pretty cool.'' He reached for a cupcake, realizing he reached for it at the same time as Katherine. She laughed about this, moving her hand away for him to take it. He took a bite of the cupcake, reaching for a reaction to how it tasted. He liked the cream cheese frosting on top. He usually didn't really like food that was too sweet, but this was just sweet enough to be good. 

Mattie continued to watch her build, quite entranced by the speed she did it at. He actually liked this way more than being at home. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand to get rid of the little reddish crumbs on the corners of his lips. ''Sorry I'm not really talking.'' She sighed. ''I'm not really used to having people over like this.'' Mattie paused for a moment, not knowing what to say. Right now, he felt like such an inconvenience. ''Yeah, I get it. Would it be easier for me to go h-'' 

''No, no. Stay.'' She probably didn't even mean to interrupt him, but she did in a panic. ''I want you to stay.'' She admitted, which kind of surprised Mattie. He assumed she wanted nothing to do with him and wanted him to die or whatever.  Shit, really? Well say less. ''Oh.'' He spoke, not thinking. ''Sorry, was that weird?'' She seemed to flinch. ''No, no I was just surprised.'' He assured her, looking away. ''Surprised,'' She echoed. ''I dunno why, 'cause I think you're pretty cool, I guess.'' She admitted, making Mattie flustered. ''I-I UM!! Thanks..!'' He laughed out loud. I've met my match when it comes to awkwardness. He thought, rubbing the back of his neck.

''You're.. cool too. Much cooler than me.'' He giggled nervously. ''Don't say that.'' She rolled her eyes. ''So like, are we friends now?'' Mattie said, and looking back, this was a STUPID thing to say, way to ruin the moment, Matteo. ''Were we.. not before?'' Katherine tilts her head. ''I don't know?! I thought you didn't like me!'' He laughed, and to his surprise, she snickered too. ''Dude. We shared a cigarette, so I assumed that meant something, at least. I don't just share cigs with randoms, y'know. How lowly do you think of me?'' She feigned offence, puffing her chest out and sighing. 

''Well I wasn't SURE if it meant something or not. You always just seemed so serious!'' He tried to explain his thought process with his hands, making somewhat confusing motions. ''So I guess I should just distract you from your tutoring that your parents are dead-set on you going to.'' She mocked. Right. the lies he made up about how his parents wanted him coming over at LEAST once a week. He just wanted an excuse to see her. Wouldn't anyone want a reason to be lectured by a pretty girl? Maybe just him. ''You're right.'' He admitted defeat, not wanting to dig himself into an even bigger hole by adding to the lie. His parents did NOT give a shit about his grades, nor did he. He only cared if the number was over 50%, meaning he passed. Failing was his only problem. 

His life was already a dumpster fire, he didn't see himself succeeding, really. Life was such a short, fickle thing as he saw it. ''No offense, though.'' She spoke, laying back with her laptop on top of her legs. She beckoned Matt closer, patting the empty space. He crawled closer apprehensively, watching the screen. ''Am I awkward?'' Katherine asked after a while of silence. ''Not as much as I am.'' Was Matt's response, laughing. ''You aren't that awkward.'' he added, more seriously. ''Besides, awkward doesn't mean boring or unlikeable.'' He added, trying to sound smart. ''Thanks. I try not to be any of those things.'' She focused back on her screen, seeming a bit distracted, not building as fast as she once was. He propped himself up on one arm, head close to her shoulder in an attempt to watch closely. 

The rest of the evening passed them by, both chatting about webcomics or other dorky internet things, while Katherine played Roblox. Lucky for Matt, he brought his Nintendo incase he got bored, which came in clutch for him now, seeing as they weren't doing much of anything. He logged onto Pokemon, as any high schooler with nothing else to do would. He was grinding to get a shiny Sylveon right now, and was talking to Katherine about it earlier. 'see, you have to get a shiny Eevee first, which is already tricky enough, THEN you have to get its friendship level up for it to evolve into a Sylveon.' he'd explained, then going on to completely ramble about shiny spawn rates and evolution methods. Dork behavior.

Though Katherine really didn't seem to mind listening. 'Oh, oh! Also, Espeon and Umbreon also evolve through friendship, but their evolution is triggered by it being day or night, and they also can't have fairy type moves, or it will evolve into Sylveon instead, no matter the time of day. Personally, I don't really like Umbreon as much as Glaceon and Sylveon, but the shiny version is super cool!'' He droned off, getting visibly excited unlike how he usually was, easily irritated and not one to go on long tangents. ''Espeon is the purple one, right?'' Katherine asked. ''Yeah, it's a pinkish-lilac colour.'' He nodded, smiling ear to ear about the fact someone would actually listen to him. ''At home I have an Espeon plush, actually!'' He giggled slightly, child-like joy obvious in his face.

''Really? That's cool. Maybe next time you come over you can bring it so I can see.'' She suggested, which made Matt happy. Next time he comes over, maybe it won't just be for tutoring. He nodded, and after a few heartbeats spoke nervously. ''Hey,'' his breath hitched. ''Yeah?'' She answered, eyes squinting with visible worry. ''Do you mind if.. maybe next time I come over, we don't do tutoring? I kinda like hanging out with you like this. It's nice.'' He could already feel the flustered energy build in his chest, which sent a dizzying rush to his head. Every millisecond of Katherine thinking felt like a minute, and Mattie held his breath. ''Oh! I was already gonna suggest that. For sure. '' She smiled, and in that moment, he felt giddy excitement like a schoolgirl in love. Was he even in love? Or was he just happy to have a friend, especially one whose so pretty.

''You're fun to hang out with too, Matt.'' She put her laptop, which she had closed a while ago while deeply engaged in the boy's rant--which he didn't even notice-- to the side, hands clasped together in her lap. She opened her phone for a moment to get a glimpse of the time. ''Dude, are you not tired? It's like, 10:30 already. Fuck, I didn't even notice that.'' It was the first time he'd heard her swear, which surprised him a bit. ''Eh, I usually stay up pretty late, so I don't mind it. But you should definitely get some sleep. So should I, really. So that I can get up tomorrow and go home early in the morning.'' He sighed, and Katherine nodded her agreement. ''Try not to stay up on the switch.'' She joked. ''I won't, I won't!'' He laughed, hopping off of the bed. ''I'm cool with sleeping on the floor.'' He dropped down with a thud, hesitantly laying his head down. Katherine adjusted her position so she could look down at him, before grabbing a pillow and throwing it down onto the ground, along with a fuzzy looking blanket with cats on it. ''Be careful with it. Childhood stuff, y'know.'' She added. He found it endearing how he didn't even have to ask for a pillow or anything. ''Thanks, Kath.'' He yawned. ''Goodnight.'' 

''Night, dude.'' She responded, laying her head down. Mattie already knew there was no chance he'd sleep, too ashamed of sleep-talking or snoring. If he did either of those things, it'd probably wake her up and that would be embarrassing as hell. He rolled onto his side, hugging the pillow while cocooning himself in the blanket, with only his head sticking out--barely. After maybe 15 minutes of tossing and turning while holding the pillow, when he knew Katherine was definitely asleep, he pulled out his little diary. One of those ones you'd get at elementary school book sales, with a very faulty lock on it to 'prevent' people from reading inside. He knew it didn't prevent his dad from reading it, because that was how he found out about Matt's cutting addiction. Great. Just lovely. Well, at least he could write about trivial things without his father flipping out on him. He opened his diary and started to write, in the ass wonderful handwriting he had, about his day, 

hey dudes GUESS what happened today

ok so basically there's this girl katherine

my tutor (ewww I hate tutoring I hate tutoring so much )

I always thought she was hella cool but I was too scared to befriend her coz she seemed all doom and gloom and also really serious all the time and idk i don't know how to feel about people like that 

but i had to stay over at her house for the night coz my dad was being a dickwasn't home like always 

which kinda made me nervous cuz I don't really have many friends who have parents who like me 

and don't see me as a bad influince influence

and I cant even go over to their houses out of envy

they always have better home situations than me

never tight on money

almost never have to worry about being broken into 

parents that are actually married and happily in love

its just so annoying

like why don't I get these things too

why do I have to be in a household like this

 

OK anyways 

so i'm sleeping over right now

shes asleep Im pretty sure

so like my dad said I had to stay out her house or whatever

and I was like

                           V necessary

why is that necasary nessasary neccasery <-- I CANT spell that ..

and he's like

''ohh ur moms out cheating on me u cant come home now''

where is the correlation

???!??!?!?

also he said I need to stop being a dumb bitch like my mom

whatever u say I guess

i'm not even allowed to ask questions these days

but anyway

here I am

 

I figured out that katherine's not so bad

she's pretty cool

she listened to me talk abt pokemon

i honestly might be crushing on her or i just desperately want to be her friend

i cant tell yet

I can never tell with these things

i'm like

way out of her league anyway

sure we're both dorks I guess

but shes like

cooler

she's extremely hot  conventionally attractive

and I'm probably the direct opposite of that

like

maybe if i didn't look like such a troon

she'd actually think I'm cool and sexy or whatever

it would also help if people didn't shit talk me all the time 

I mean

she did refer to me as a real boy

not just a weird tomboy pretending to be something she's not

if only SOME people could be like that

 

anywho 

shes chill 

honestly nicer than most people at my school

she offered to walk me home so I didn't get hurt

and my house is like 30 mins away

she knows that

it was kinda cute

i was surprised she actually cared that much

but we're friends now

pretty cool

i should probably go to bed tho

 

He put the notebook down carelessly due to fatigue, forgetting to lock it again. He grabbed his mp3 player, putting on some tunes in his headphones to help him fall asleep. He didn't really have the most... calming tracks downloaded, but he couldn't fall asleep without music, so he'd rather just suffer through loud, scratchy vocals than pure silence. Who would actually want to fall asleep to silence? He had a very old fan at home he'd put on to make it less silent. Pure noiselessness made him feel very nervous and restless, so he needed something, at least. He was listening to Miss World by Hole, one of the more relatively easing songs in his downloads. As his consciousness faded in and out, he ruminated on his day, and how his dad had been angry over the phone. If he was a cool popular boy with rich parents, maybe people would like him more, and he wouldn't be the ass of every joke. He could be one of those dudes who's in frat groups, goes to parties, drinks and smokes in the romanticized way, and has chicks falling for him every day. If only he grew up without a few screws loose. 

He liked to imagine himself as that sort of dude in his head, especially when thinking about his love life. He had to be attractive to be the biggest fish in the pond. He had to be attractive to feel anything. He had to be loved and praised, with an ego through the roof just to feel complete. If he was a straight, blonde boy, named Max or Hunter or something like that, he'd feel happy with himself. 

He wanted to imagine himself, the way he is now, dating Katherine, but he couldn't without feeling weird or disgusted. If she found out, she'd call him weird. He had to make up this elaborate alternate life in his head to feel normal about wanting to date a girl, and her liking him too. Even if--in the RARE chance--she liked him like that, he would probably have to refuse her. He'd just be a headache to deal with, and make her regret even speaking to him in the first place. He'd feel okay with dating her if he was attractive. Besides, he didn't want her reputation to drop just from being associated with him.

''Oh, you're friends with MATT? Like, the weird tranny one? Does her mom pay you or what?'' 

 

''Don't you tutor that dumbfuck? Must be horrible!'' 

 

He could imagine Katherine's friends saying. Honestly, he wasn't that tight with her, so he didn't really know who her friends were, if she even had any. He never saw her hang out with many people, but she wasn't unknown, either. He was pretty sure she liked staying out of the spotlight, as she was in no extra-curriculars which she'd have to present herself. He assumed so, anyways, because it made the both of them similar, and he liked thinking like that. Maybe, just maybe, if he could learn to accept himself, they could find out each other's similarities, likes and interests, even the small stuff. He did truly want to know more about her. 

Maybe, if he was cooler.

Maybe someday he'd try.

Maybe.