Chapter Text
One week passed, and Jeremy had gotten back into the habit of eating and going to school. It wasn’t a painless experience by any means, but being active instead of playing Nintendo all day seemed to be doing his body and mind some good. Jake and Brooke had been nice enough to catch Jeremy up on his work, and the two may or may not have slipped him a cheat sheet for the precalc test (though Jeremy was never one to kiss and tell).
He went over to Michael’s house after school every day, sometimes with another SQUIP Squad member, sometimes alone. No matter the case, there was a bit of tension in the basement at all times. There were two distinct reasons for this.
One: because Michael refused to let Jeremy smoke pot. The reason, though never voiced, filled the space between them on the sofa—there was no telling what the SQUIP would act like if Jeremy was high, and Michael wasn’t going to risk a bad trip becoming a nightmarish trip.
Two: because Jeremy’s backpack now bore a bisexual pride pin, and it was smack dab in the center of the “o” of “boyf.”
Michael had noticed it immediately, and had been somewhat quiet around Jeremy ever since. If it hadn’t been for the rest of the SQUIP Squad congratulating him on coming out, he would have removed the pin immediately. He knew Michael wasn’t offended by his best friend being bi—why would he, being gay himself? Jeremy wondered if he should have come out to Michael in person, if this had upset him somehow.
He didn’t want to ask, afraid of shattering the ice-thin barrier that kept their tension at bay, but Michael finally broke the ice when he paused Apocalypse of the Damned and shifted to face Jeremy.
“So, you’re bi?”
His tone was even, which scared Jeremy more than it reasonably should have.
“Uh, yeah.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive.”
Michael studied Jeremy carefully, and after a pregnant pause he shrugged.
“Cool.”
The game resumed.
This time, Jeremy was the one to pause the game.
“That’s it? ‘Cool’?”
Michael’s glare was hostile, and Jeremy flinched back.
“Yeah, Jeremy, ‘cool.’ It’s great that you’re bi. Fantastic.”
“If you’re so happy for me, why are you being so sarcastic?”
Michael tossed his controller on the sofa and rolled his eyes. “What do you want me to do, Jeremy?”
“I don’t know!” Jeremy threw his hands up, exasperated. “Maybe act like it’s a bigger deal than me telling you I got a new Amiibo?”
Michael scoffed. “If you wanted me to make a bigger deal out of it, maybe you shouldn’t have just put a pin on your backpack. That’s, like, the most subtle coming-out ever.”
“What, was it not good enough for you? Should I have painted myself blue, pink, and purple and streaked around the school screaming, ‘Bi guy passing bi’? And what’s wrong with putting a pin on my backpack? Your coming out was sewing that patch on!”
Of course, that’s when the SQUIP decided to materialize and butt into the conversation. “I warned you, Jeremy. I told you they didn’t really care.”
“This isn’t about me!” Michael shouted.
“Oh, of course not!” Jeremy shot back. “It’s all about Jeremy. How Jeremy never does exactly what his ‘friends’ want. How Jeremy nearly ruined the play. How Jeremy fucked everything up and everyone over when he took that pill from Japan. How Jeremy is still the messed-up one that everyone walks on eggshells around. How Jeremy is nothing more than a crutch for everyone else’s popularity. How Jeremy is as disposable as a shit-filled diaper!”
Jeremy hadn’t realized he’d been repeating the SQUIP’s words until he noticed them smirking. He threw a pillow at the SQUIP’s face, missing by a solid two feet.
He expected Michael’s anger to switch off and be replaced by concern, for him to pick up on the SQUIP’s presence. Only one of those things happened.
“Stop listening to it!” Michael ordered. “Just ignore it!”
“It’s hard to ignore a voice in your head, Michael.”
“Then be louder!”
Jeremy’s face heated up. “Fine. How’s this for loud? LA LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” He even plugged his ears for good measure, closing his eyes and scrunching his face up as he bellowed on. By the time he removed his fingers and opened his eyes, his throat ached. “I’m trying to be the loudest voice, Michael, and it’s not working!”
“You know I didn’t mean yelling when I said to be the loudest!” Michael jumped up from the couch and began pacing.
“If you’re so against yelling, then why are you yelling at me? Is it because of my sexuality?”
“Fuck—obviously not!”
“Then why? Give me one good reason why you should be yelling at me right now!”
“Because I’m sick of you hating yourself!”
Jeremy should have been flattered, or shocked into silence, but Michael’s reasoning only made his blood boil.
“That makes no fucking sense! This whole shouting match started because of the pin. You’re yelling at me for doing something prideful for once, instead of sulking around. I’m expressing my sexuality, and somehow that’s a bad thing? Shouldn’t that be the one good thing I’ve done this week? Shouldn’t I get a gold star sticker for thinking positively about myself?”
Michael’s expression changed suddenly, as if he’d been struck in the chest with an arrow. “Wha—Jeremy, I already said I’m not mad about your goddamn pin and how you like dicks and tits!”
“Then why are you mad, Michael? Is it really because I’m a little down on myself?”
“Because I—” Michael’s jaw dangled open. He managed to close it, only to open it again. The process repeated until he found his voice. “I’m not angry at you, dude. I’m frustrated.” He glanced at the floor. “With myself.”
Jeremy’s blood and face cooled, and suddenly he felt dizzy. “What? Why?”
“I… it doesn’t matter.”
“Clearly it does.” Jeremy fiddled with his cardigan. He laughed awkwardly. “We just got into a shouting match, Michael. Whatever’s upsetting you is really upsetting you.”
“It’ll make things worse.”
“He’s going to say he hates you,” the SQUIP piped up.
“Shut up,” Jeremy muttered.
Michael glared at him. “Oh, you wanna start this again?”
“No, not you!” Jeremy squeaked. “SQUIP.”
Michael hesitated, but eventually nodded and sighed. “Okay, fine. I’ll say my piece. And then I’ll let you decide whether or not you want to resume screaming at each other.”
Jeremy leaned back on the sofa, trying to get comfortable but ultimately failing. His nerves were buzzing. “Fine. But at least sit down, Michael, the pacing is kinda scaring me.”
Michael complied, settling on the couch once more. This time, however, he was much closer to Jeremy. So close that their knees touched.
Now that they were settled in, Michael looked nervous. “Before I start—just don’t interrupt me, okay? I’ll let you say whatever you need to when I’m done.”
Jeremy, unable to speak, just nodded. The SQUIP caught his eye and flashed another sinister grin. “This is going to be interesting,” they said.
“Jeremy, “ Michael began. “I know this is a shitty thing to say—such a shitty thing to say—but I’ll get it out of the way. I wish you’d told me you were bi.” Jeremy flared a bit at this, but kept his jaw clamped shut. “You didn’t want to make a big deal out of it yourself, but clearly you wanted validation that you were still a close friend to all of us. I never gave that validation, and I’m sorry.”
The SQUIP laughed. “Does that apology really equate to validating and respecting your sexuality, though? I think not.”
Jeremy didn’t bother looking at the SQUIP—all he cared about right now was focusing on Michael’s words, no matter how much he didn’t want to hear them.
Michael continued, “You came out to everyone in one fell swoop, and that must have taken some major balls. I really gotta commend you for that, dude. It took me years to officially say anything to our classmates, but you told the school and gave zero shits. That’s… that’s good. I’m happy you’re comfortable being you. But…”
Jeremy winced at the conjunction.
“There’s always a catch,” the SQUIP mused.
“I’m jealous of your courage.”
Even the SQUIP looked surprised.
“But you’re Michael Mell!” Jeremy blurted out. “You’ve been petitioning for a GSA at the school for, like, three years!”
Michael smiled despite the interruption, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “That doesn’t mean much, Jeremy. I was kind of outed against my will, and just rolled with the punches—sometimes literally. But you—after everything you’ve been through with the SQUIP—you still had the strength to stand up and say, ‘This is who I am.’ And I wish I was that strong. Jere, I wish I was that brave.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “And today, I want to try to be brave. And when I’m done being brave, you can decide if you want to be around me anymore.”
Before Jeremy could ask what those somewhat sinister words meant, Michael closed the distance between them.
Oh.
Oh.
His lips felt nice.
Was Jeremy supposed to be moving his lips? He’d somehow forgotten how to operate his own muscles.
Michael sat back, the kiss ending as quickly as it had begun. He blushed and stared expectantly at Jeremy.
Jeremy finally found the strength to bring his fingers to his lips, but his brain had completely short-circuited. Michael had kissed him. Michael was gay. Jeremy was bi. They’d seen each other naked plenty of times in the past twelve years and maybe shared a bed here and there. Their backpacks still said “boyf” “riends.”
“He’s using you.”
Right. The SQUIP was there, too.
“He’s looking for the one way to break you down. He’s gaining as much of your trust as he can get, and he’s going to break it. He’s going to break you, Jeremy. You don’t want him to do that.”
“Shut up,” Jeremy whispered.
Michael eyed him, more nervous now than ever.
The SQUIP ignored him. “If you leave now, he can’t hurt you any more.”
For a moment, Jeremy almost obeyed. He almost stood up, brushed off his pants, and left Michael behind in the basement. The ghostly scars of his “electroshock therapy” felt alive now, as if the SQUIP was restored to his full power, as if he had control.
No.
Jeremy had control.
And before the SQUIP could scream or Michael could backpedal, Jeremy leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Michael’s left cheek. Then another on the right. And then on his lips.
Michael’s hands came up to cup Jeremy’s face, and in turn Jeremy scooted forward until he straddled Michael’s lap. They worked their mouths equally as hard, nipping and licking and drooling all over each other. It wasn’t sexy by any means, but Jeremy would be damned if it wasn’t passionate.
Though reluctant, they had to pull away for breath. During that respite, Jeremy locked eyes with Michael. He felt so in control, his mind so clear, that the words he’d been dreading came bubbling up from his throat. He pressed his forehead against Michael’s.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” Jeremy breathed the words onto Michael’s swollen lips. “For everything. For the SQUIP. Shit, I—”
Michael pulled their faces together again, his mouth desperate as he smothered Jeremy. This kiss was not nearly as passionate—it was a weapon, a way to silence Jeremy.
Jeremy pushed away, which took much more force than usual because Michael was just so hell-bent on keeping their lips locked. He panted, holding Michael’s shoulders back with his hands. When Jeremy met Michael’s gaze, he saw wide, worried eyes.
“Let’s just go back to kissing, Jeremy,” Michael practically begged. “Forget about the apology.”
“No!” Jeremy barked. Michael reeled back at this, leaning as far away from Jeremy as he could despite their current position.
Jeremy took a deep breath and began again, softer this time. “Let me say this, Michael. Please.”
Michael put his hands on Jeremy’s hips, and Jeremy spoke.
He apologized for everything from abandoning Michael at the Halloween party to losing Michael’s holographic Charizard card to Dustin Kropp in a bet during third grade recess (“How was I supposed to know it would be so valuable?”). Throughout the apologies, Michael listened and nodded. He winced as some of the fresher wounds were reopened and coated in a new layer of salt, but he listened nonetheless.
Jeremy was out of breath by the end of his string of “I’m sorry”s, and rested his head in the curve of Michael’s neck. Michael rubbed Jeremy’s back, making shushing noises.
Why?
Jeremy sat up and noticed a huge wet spot on Michael’s hoodie. He reached his hands up and, feeling hot tears on his cheeks, realized just how cathartic that had been.
“I forgive you,” Michael whispered. “For all of it.”
“Even the Charizard card?”
Michael pursed his lips as he pondered the situation. “Almost all of it.”
They laughed. God, it felt good to laugh together. Real, genuine laughter.
Jeremy noticed the SQUIP still watched them, a sour expression on their face. He sighed, stirring the hairs on Michael’s head.
Michael glanced in the SQUIP’s general direction. “Is that obsolete operating system still here?”
“Yeah.” Jeremy sighed again. “Michael, if we’re going to do this, it’s not gonna be sunshine and rainbows. This thing’s part of me. I’m gonna have my bad days.”
Michael placed a gentle kiss on Jeremy’s lips. “I’ll be there, Jeremy. I’ll be there on the good days, and the bad days, and the in-between ones. And whenever that piece of shit tries to tell you that you aren’t worth it, that you aren’t enough…”
The MLG air horn shrieked in Jeremy’s ear, and he fell backwards off of Michael’s lap. Michael held his phone where Jeremy had just been, unable to hold in his giggles.
“I’ll shut that bitch down,” Michael finished.
“I think that air horn is the loudest voice, not mine,” Jeremy confessed.
Laughing, Michael tossed his phone to the side and reached down to help Jeremy back onto the couch. Instead of sitting in Michael’s lap, Jeremy rested his head there. Michael ran his fingers through Jeremy’s hair.
The SQUIP was watching Jeremy’s eyes flutter, their own eyes sinister and full of hatred. Jeremy snuggled deeper into Michael’s lap, closing his eyes so that all he had to focus on was Michael’s soft, warm body.
“Michael?”
“Yeah, Jere?”
“Let me here some more of your puns.”