Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Grand Prix Final Women’s Short Program! We’ve seen only amazing performances so far and there are only three more performances ahead of us today.

First, actually fourth, to skate is Mila Babicheva of Russia! Her theme for this season is friendship. She will perform a piece called `You’re My Best Friend` by Queen…
What an enthralling performance delivered to us by Mila Babicheva! This young lady is truly an incredibly gifted skater. It was undoubtedly the best performance so far. What a magnificent Grand Prix debut!

But we are yet to see Sara Crispino of Italy. This will be her fifth time competing in the Final. She managed to stand on the highest pedestal two times already. Will this be her third time? What Mila Babicheva showed us will be hard to surpass, though. Sara’s theme for this season is curiosity. She will be skating to `Spark` by Amber Run. She claimed that this song holds immense significance to her and that she wanted to skate to it for a long time now. Well, let’ see if it brings her luck…

And that’s another flawless performance for Sara Crispino! Will that be enough to place first? And yes, ladies and gentlemen, Sara Crispino beats the score of her Russian fellow competitor by one point. This will surely give us a wonderful competition in the Free Skate tomorrow.

Our last skater to take the ice is a Japanese late bloomer, competing for the second time in the Grand Prix Final at the age of 23, oh pardon me, 24, she celebrated her birthday just days ago. And there she is, Yuuki Katsuki.

Her theme for this season is `For You`. She stated, that this season’s entire theme is dedicated to her twin, a brother, who passed away, many years ago. Her Short Program music is called `Natsukashii` composed solely for her by a famous Japanese composer Joe Hisaishi. It is a word hard to translate to any other language. According to the skater herself it means nostalgia, but only in the good sense. As she said: “The things you remember and start smiling unconsciously.”

Her both routines are one story, told in different ways. The SP tells of her reminiscing of her time spent with her brother in their hometown, back in Hasetsu, Japan. It represents those happy memories she was talking about, those cheerful childhood days…

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve never seen a Grand Prix redemption quite like this one! Our Japanese late bloomer takes the lead by solid 15 points over Sara Crispino, last two year’s champion. This girl is something amazing! I can’t wait to see her Free Skate tomorrow evening…”

Yuuki stood in the centre of the ring, her chest heavying. She was panting a little, the nerves getting the best of her.

I need to do even better tomorrow. For him.

She was smiling, though. How could she possibly not. She was currently in the first place. Yet she was well aware that the battle isn’t over yet. But she had something the other skaters didn’t. She had courage. The courage of her and her brother and the name of Katsuki. And also a promise she had to keep.

On the bleachers stood the world’s #1 skater, Victor Nikiforov, smiling to himself as he saw the last performer, Yuuki Katsuki.

Hmm, very interesting, indeed.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the ice of Grand Prix Final 2016! The FS scores haven’t changed the rankings yet, but I assure you that the best is yet to come! The best three skaters are about to take the ice and this is definitely going to be a severe battle between Mila Babicheva, Sara Crispino and Yuuki Katsuki. The Japanese skater is currently ahead of her two fellow competitors by solid fifteen points. The battle is not decided yet, though! Sara Crispino is well known for her amazing free skate performances with complicated jumps and combinations and Mila Babicheva is absolutely not the kind of skater to give up that easily. And there she goes, taking the ice!

Her FS music is `Blue Ocean floor` by Justin Timberlake. She has planned several complicated combination jumps with triple axel. Why, let’s see how she handles it…

Oh, my dear viewers, this is a great defeat for Mila Babicheva! Because of that Triple Axel-Triple Rittberger-Single Toeloop combination and every later attempt for triple Salchow she was unable to gain any lead ahead of her two rivals. Ladies and gentlemen, this won’t be a gold-medal-debut for our Russian rising star…

But don’t feel down just yet, since 2014 and 2015 Grand Prix champion is currently on the ice. Sara Crispino chose `Time` by Hans Zimmer from the film `Inception` as her FS music. We are looking forward to her signature combination jump Triple Lutz-Triple Rittberger. She is still the only one in the ladies’ division to attempt and successfully land this jump. She has it planned at the beginning of the second half of her program…

Just as every previous year so far, Sara proved to be one of the best skaters in the world. Her score is indeed amazing, maybe our last competitor should start to mentally prepare to put up a hard fight to surpass this score, given that Sara has just basically vaporised any lead the Japanese skater had had after the SP. She’s currently whole ten points above Mila Babicheva, who is now second.

Ladies and gentlemen, all fans of figure skating here at the rink and by the TV, last competitor of female division of this year’s Grand Prix Final is now taking the ice. Let me introduce you Yuuki Katsuki , the late bloomer of Japan. She’s been competing for six years on the international stage now, always placing third or second in the end, never reaching the highest pedestal. Her SP performance was simply phenomenal, if she keeps this up we might have a new world record here tonight.

Her Free Skate music is also composed specifically for this occasion, this time by an acquaintance of hers. This song represents the other half of the story she started to tell us in her SP. Her brother’s story. `The days that should have been and never were…` she told us. That is the story behind her FS.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on the ice our last performer, Yuuki Katsuki skating to `Yuri on Ice`…

Yuuki took the centre of the ice, getting into position and breathing deeply. In, and out.

This is for you, Onii-chan.

As the first notes hit the air, she lifted her hands to her face, as if holding something precious…

A Triple Toeloop-Double Toeloop is planned fist.

Time for the surprise.

`Whaaaaaaaaat?! A quadruple Toeloop?! In a combination with a Double? History is being made today!!!`

She could hear the commentator a little and smirked.

,em>I’m not done yet.

`Quadruple Salchow? How-I-... I’m at loss for words now… First quadruple Salchow landed in the female division since 2002! `

The landing was almost wobbly. Almost. Thank god.

Yuuki breathed in and jumped.

Triple flip. One hand raised.

Nothing special.

Triple Axel. Both hands raised.

But don’t worry, everyone. The fun part is yet to come.

`Aaaahhh. Another quadruple Toeloop. What an amazing stamina! `

Yuuki spun and tried to mentally prepare herself for what was to come… A Triple Axel-Single Loop-Triple Salchow combination.

`Successfully landed! `

YES!

Two more to go.

Just skate like Yuuri would…

`At triple Lutz-Triple Toeloop is planned next. Will there be any more surprises or was that all? `

Landed.

Oh don’t worry about surprises. There’s one more. And that one is going to take your breath away.

She moved into the step sequence. And she knew it was beautiful. It was choreographed to be beautiful. Besides, she couldn’t mess up a step sequence.

You were the best at those. You really shone, Onii-chan.

Every step, every spin, every breath. All of it was for Yuuri. For Yuuri, whose programme it was. For Yuuri, who should have been skating it.

A quadruple flip.

The people screamed…No they raged, they gasped, they shouted at the top of their lungs.

`A QUADRUPLE FLIP!!!! ONLY VICTOR NIKIFOROV IS ABLE TO SECURELY LAND IT IN A COMPETITION BUT NEVER HAS HE ATTEMPTED TO LAND IT AT THE END OF A FREE SKATE WHEN FATIGUE IS AT ITS PEAK. HISTORY IS BEING REWRITTEN!!!!!!!!!`

Yuuki smirked internaly. She didn’t expect the commentator to get so into it.

There comes the sit spin and the broken leg spin, followed by the standing spin. And then Yuuki reaches out. There. Somewhere. Somewhere were her brother is. Somewhere that isn’t here.

She held the pose for a few seconds and then she crumbled to the ice. She cried. Yuuki cried her eyes out.

I am the first woman to land a quad toe loop and a quad flip. I’ve reached Victor…

She cried from happiness.

And she cried because it hurt so much.

Yuuri…

Yuuri. I made it!

She coughed-laughed.

But Yuuri…

It should have been you instead.

The crowds were going wild.

You should have been here, too.

Flowers and stuffed animals were landing on the ice. And a brown poodle plushie.

`Ladies and gentlemen, our winner of the 2016 Grand Prix Final Women’s Singles and new world record holder, Yuuki Katsuki! `

The crowds cheered her on, threw flowers and more plushies. Yuuki did a quad toeloop and waved the audience a little before skating to the pedestals and jumping on the highest one.

It should have been you.

The president of the ISU came to give them their medals. Bronze for Mila, silver for Sara, gold for…

The gold goes to Yuuri…

Then the bouquets came. Some important people shook their hands.

It was supposed to be you.

Yuuki smiled on everyone. She was genuinely happy, she was. But as she posted for the umpteenth photo she couldn’t help but space out a bit. The smile not reaching her eyes anymore.

Who decided it can’t be you?

The stepped from the pedestal and suddenly there was something heavy on her back.

“Yuuki!”

She turned around, she knew that voice. It was her best friend, Phichit.

“You did it! You actually did it! I’m so happy I just had to skate to you right now!”

Yuuki smiled truly again as Phichit wrapped his arms around her tightly.

“Yuuri would be so proud,” he whispered softly in her ear.

It was meant to be you!

He pulled away as he felt her shake violently. He looked at her and his eyes went wide. Yuuki’s eyes were full of tears. Phichit was about to start panicking enormously when he finally noticed it. Under those tears was a huge smile. Half happy, half sad. Like every time somebody talked about her brother.

Phichit took out his phone to get a selfie with the new world record holder and she laughed.

But I know what I promised.

The lights were out, only a single reflector pointed at the centre of the ice, where a small figure stood. She had a simple costume, black skirt slowly fading into gray around her waist and then finally into bright white. On her chest was a blue and green writing.

History Makers it said.

There was a momentary silence.

Can you hear
My heartbeat?

Yuuki lifted her right hand to her ear as if listening to something intently and skated leisurely forward.

Tired of feeling
Never enough.I close my eyes and
Tell myself that my dreams will come true.

A quadruple flip. The crowd cheered.

There’ll be no more darkness when you believe in
Yourself, you are unstoppable.

A lounge, then bringing her arms close to her chest. A spin.

Where your destiny lies,
Dancing on the blades you set my heart on fire.

A push and a gesture looking like bravely tearing down the curtain.

Don’t stop us now,
The moment of truth,

Another lounge.

We were born to make history.

Another spin.

We’ll make it happen,
We’ll turn this around.

Extending her left leg behind her, she turned around again.

Yes, we were born to make history!

She spun, jumped and danced her heart out.

Camel spin. Yuuri’s favourite. An Ina Bauer.

Green is my colour, blue is yours, Yuuri. The two of us…

We were born to make history.

One last combination spin. She ended with her arms extended to the audience as if she was hugging them, inviting them in, presenting her master piece. As if she was letting something go.

I made a promise with you, Yuuri. One year ago.

She waved the audience.

That I will let go. That I will let you go. That I will stop wishing it was me whose life ended that day.

She took her way off the ice to where Phichit was already waiting, a wide grin on his face, phone in his hands. She already knew what he was going to ask her.

That I will let you go after I skate the programme we created together for the entire world to see.

“Yu-“

“Yes, you can upload it,” she answered her best friend with a laugh.

And I will keep my promise. This year was for you, just as my entire life.

She looked back to the ice she had left just seconds ago.

“It was beautiful, Yuuki. I can’t wait for the next season!” Phichit babbled next to her as she put her guards on.

“Yeah, me too!” she smiled at him as she straightened her back.

So…

She put her forearms on the railing and watched another skater take the ice. Nobody was able to see the tears in the dark.

This is me letting go.

The few people standing close to the door fell silent as she walked in.

What a strange feeling.

She chuckled a little to herself. She had never been the centre of attention. But, it wasn’t that much of a bad feeling.

Yuuki raised her head and saw Phichit waving like a maniac from across the room. She smiled and waved back, meeting the eyes of her coach, Celestino. His eyes were proud, yet a little bit sad. They decided to end things after this season, after all. But Celestino understood. He understood that she needed a change, a fresh start. Even Phichit, as much as he hated the idea of her leaving and returning to Japan, he understood to.

Yuuki finally reached them. Phichit grinned like an idiot the whole time. But who could blame him. He came in fourth in his first Grand Prix Final. That is one hell of an accomplishment. He pulled her close, threw his phone in his coach’s hands, grabbed a flute of champagne and forced it into Yuuki’s hands and after he was satisfied with their pose, he gave Celestino a nod.

It was a funny picture. Yuuki in her dark blue-purple-ish dress, with a flute of champagne in her left hand holding Phichit’s waist as he was holding hers, dressed in his black suit, champagne in his right hand. They were both grinning, smiles stretched across their faces. What a funny scene to behold.

After that, everything went crazy. People kept on coming to talk to her, shake her hand, congratulate her. Yuuki was so tired after only about an hour into the banquet. And then it happened.

“I would have never, ever imagined that the person to surpass me would be a skater from a completely different category.”

Yuuki’s head shot up at those words. And there he was. The figure skating living legend. The Russian prodigy. The one and only, Victor Nikiforov.

“Your free was absolutely stunning, really.”

He gave her his heart-shaped smile.

And she couldn’t help but chuckle. She tried to be polite, though, covering her moth with her hand, as is common in Japan. Her action only left the number one skater completely confused nevertheless. That subsequently made her laugh even harder. Poor Russian legend had no idea what’s going on.

“S-So-Sorry,” said Yuuki as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Oh. Okay?” Victor still didn’t know what to make of her strange actions.

“I’m Katsuki Yuuki-erhg- I mean, Yuuki Katsuki.” She reached her hand towards him. It was shaking visibly.

I know.” Victor grabbed her hand. Yuuki’s eyes went wide from shock.

He KNOWS?!

“I saw both of your performances. They were amazing. Really.”

The younger skater could do nothing but stare at him in awe.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” He cleared his throat. “I’m Victor Nikiforov.”

“I know.” Yuuki finally found her voice again.

“I saw your performances, too. Amazing, really.”

Then there was silence. The two champions looked in each other’s eyes for a lot minute. And burst out laughing.

The male skater recovered first.

“I mean it though, it was incredible.”

Yuuki blushed a deep shade of crimson. And it made her remember her brother, who was just the same when it came to praises and generally talking about him.

The thought must have been visible because suddenly the Russian skater spoke again.

“Would you like to go a little sideways, maybe? Away from the biggest crowd? I’d like to ask you a few things.”

Yuuki nod and started following the Russian skater towards one of the tables situated alongside the walls. They stood next to each other, leaning against the table and watching the banquet’s attendants. Both were holding their glasses of champagne, unsure how to restart the conversation. Yuuki felt awkward. Uncomfortable even.

Say something. Say something. Something stupid. No! Idiot. Say something smart. What am I supposed to say that’s smart? Do I like ever say smart things? Calm down. Breath in, breath out. Say something generic. What were we talking about before? Oh, right-

“So-“

“I was-“

Yuuki’s face was once again cover in deep red as she tried to renew the conversation at the exact moment the other skater did.

Fuck!

She blushed violently, unable to actually do anything. The male skater, however, only chuckled.

“Please.”

The young woman averted her gaze and nodded a little. Her throat felt suddenly so dry and she figured that a little bit of liquid courage wouldn’t hurt. This was Victor Nikiforov for crying out loud!

She sipped at her champagne, gulped and shot a side glance at her companion.

“What-“

She stuttered a little bit, averting her gaze in embarrassment. She cleared her throat and tried again.

“What did you mean by ‘surpassed’ earlier? I haven’t broken your record.”

“By a quarter of a point. Had you done one-handed Biellmann instead of ordinary Biellmann in your short, you could have had.” Stated the man.

“But I didn’t.”

“No, you didn’t and I think that’s a shame.”

He looked at his companion with a questioning smile.

“Who is your coach? No, wait, that’s not it. Who choreographed those programs? “

Yuuki only watched him for a while wide eyed. She blinked rapidly a few times before her brain processed Victor’s questions fully.

“Ehh, Celestino Cialdini is my coach. And the other question…”

Victor looked at her curiously and waited for her answer patiently. Yuuki couldn’t help but look away, whilst scratching the back of her neck with her free hand.

“Celestino choreographed most of the short program, but I agreed with him, so… Well, yeah… But the free… That was my own creation. Coach Celestino let me do it all, because well he knew how much it means to me and the fact that this is my last season-“

“WHAT?! But you have just started! You can’t quit now!”

Victor turned to face the young figure skater with such speed and force that it made her flinch a little. His voice bore the same distress as was shown on his face. He looked dead serious.

Yuuki just watched him with wide eyes, unable to do anything, since this was not what she was expecting at all.

“My last season with him as my coach.” She finished, voice a bit dull.

“Oh, oh…Oh.” Victor’s eyes went wide and Yuuki just couldn’t believe that she was actually talking to Victor Nikiforov, the living legend, and he was showing this kind of face of all things.

“Of course that’s what you wanted to say. Yeah, hehe, yeah.”

Yuuki saw him let out a slightly embarrassed breath. He smoothed his fringe back a bit and regained his composure almost instantly. But somehow, the Japanese felt as if a brick wall suddenly rose between the two of them.

Of course, somebody like him and somebody like me, that’s two totally incompatible worlds.

Yuuki’s head fell down a little. Oh, how she wished Yuuri was here.

“So,” Victor’s voice drew her out of her thoughts. “What are your plans for next season?”

Yuuki shrugged.

“I have to find myself a new coach. And I’d like to bring my home base back to Japan. That’s about it, for now. “

“Any ideas as to who should be your next coach?”

“No, not yet.”

They stood in silence and watched the moving crowd before them. The room was full of chatter, occasional forced laughter and the sound of feet touching the floor. But silence hovered above the strange companions.

“Can I ask you a favour?”

Yuuki snapped her head around to look at the man.

“Would you mind telling me the story behind your programs?”

Yuuki breathed in audibly.

“Your performances were really touching. I’d like to now more, if it is not too much to ask for.”

A shy smile. Victor Nikiforov, the living legend of figure skating, the Russian prodigy, gave her a shy smile!

And the Japanese gave a shy smile of her own in return.

“Ii yo.”

She whispered and nodded gently.

Victor raised an eyebrow at that, obviously not understanding a word she said.

Yuuki smiled then, a strange sight for Victor, since that particular smile was nothing like the others he’d seen form the Japanese. There was no hint of happiness in it. It was so worn out, tired, but moreover, it was heartbreakingly sad.

“You see,” the new champion began. “I had a brother. Twin. No one but us and our family knew who the elder one was. His name was Yuuri.”

Me and my brother, we did everything together, we were inseparable. From the day we were born to the day we die. That’s what we thought. It’s painful to think of it now. Of how twisted truth it became. Fate is a cruel player and it plays with us without mercy and with spite and cold calculation.

When we were little, we used to do ballet. Well, to be honest my brother dragged me to the first lesson and made me promise not to leave him, because he was to afraid to go alone. I fell in love with dance right then and there. Just as Yuuri did. We were a lot alike. Just as twins do, I guess. After a couple of years our ballet teacher, who is a figure skating fan, told us to try skating out. We were reluctant at first. Yuuri was. I wanted to try. Desperately so. Maybe because our teacher let me watch a competition with her once. What I saw that day, was absolutely stunning. I couldn’t take my eyes off the computer screen. I wanted to be that beautiful, to be honest.

So when our teacher wanted us to try I was thrilled. My brother less so. He was always so anxious. I mean, we both were. But since I first saw a skating competition there has been an itch inside me I just couldn’t scratch. I craved to be on the ice.

I think it’s downright poetic, that just as my brother had dragged me to the ballet studio one day, I dragged him to the skating rink two years later. We were the outsiders at first, the new kids. But then a really nice girl, Yuuko, made friends with us. And this one boy, Nishigori, who was sort of bullying my brother but also made us blend in and feel a little bit more like we belonged there, too.

Before we realised it, the rink had become out second home. Our safe place, were we could dream and feel weightless on the ice. That time, I consider the best years of my life to this day.

I remember it like it was just yesterday, when Yuuko showed us one of the international competitions on the old TV in the ice rink. My brother and I sat there, mouths agape, unable to look away, breathless. Since that day, we started chasing a new dream, our idol, the person we looked up to the most. Suddenly our dreams gained shape. And the praises Yuuko gave us started to mean something, because all of a sudden those dreams seemed more real.

We worked ourselves like crazy. We wanted to hurry and become bigger so we could skate on the same ice as our idol.

I regret it now.

That we hurried so much. If I could, I would make us be children for so much longer.

Our parents got us a poodle one day. Because we begged them to do so. They were the kindest people I’d ever known. They still are.

Yuuko kept telling us all the time that one day, we would be professionals and we would be skating in those big competitions. We laughed and brushed it off as impossible. But deep inside we both desperately wanted it to be true.

We even made our own program to skate. It was only half complete, since we weren’t yet able to land the jumps we wanted there. Triples, quads and combinations. It was all out of our reach just yet.

We finished the program one day before our thirteenth birthday. We spent a lot of time thinking how we should call it. And fantasising of how we would skate to it, together in private, and both of us on our own in those competitions we dreamed of.

We named it History Makers.

I… I loved this choreography. We both loved it so, so much.

And… I don’t know how to say this. It’s kind of hard to.

Painful, even.

29th November 2006.

That’s when it happened. On our birthday.

It was a drunk driver. I never understood and I still don’t. It was in the middle of the day. I cannot comprehend how all of that happened.

We were going home from the rink. Walking across the street right in front of the rink. We were chatting, laughing, dreaming about how we would skate History Makers in front of thousands. Yuuri was beaming. I loved my brother very much. He was the closest person to me, after all, but he was also incredibly kind, innocent and hard-working. He had a beautiful smile, too. I loved that one the most.

He was smiling at me. Happy.

That’s the only thought that soothes and slowly kills me at the same time.

Because as he was smiling at me, as we walked across the street, laughing, a car came from behind a corner. He didn’t see us. Or maybe he did but couldn’t stop. We never knew. He hit us full force.

I remember the screeching of tires, the loud noise of our bodies meeting the metal of the car, flying through the air onto the road and then the pain. I lost consciousness but before that I managed to turn my head and look at Yuuri. He was lying a few meters away from me. And he smiled at me. That was the last time I saw my brother. He was smiling.

He was happy right before the crash. His last moments were happy. The knowledge helps a bit. But he smiled at me in the end. And that I can’t erase from my mind. That one smile. I took me so long to be able to remember a different smile of his than that one. Because it hurts so much. He smiled for me. I know that.

An ambulance came for us, some old lady that happened to be on the same street where the crash occurred call for it. All three of us were escorted to the nearest hospital. The driver died while in the ambulance. His skull was breached and most of his organs smashed, he hadn’t fastened his seat belt, that’s why.

My brother died on the surgical table.

I was the only one to wake up.

And I wished I hadn’t. I prayed to all the gods I knew to turn back time and save my brother instead. I cried for days. I refused to eat or see my family. I realised years later how much that must had hurt them, me refusing to see them. But I was desperate. I kept looked to the sky waiting for a miracle. But on the sky was only the sky.

They let out of the hospital a month later. I had had a severe concussion, seven broken ribs, internal bleeding, broken my right femur and two bones in my right arm. I had to go for rehabilitations for an entire year.

When my family took me home from the hospital eventually, I refused to come into my and Yuuri’s room. My parents offered me to move my thing into another room but I couldn’t even bear to look at them. I made them buy me a new bed, new table, new clothes. I moved to the opposite side of the house and avoided the other. I developed slight depressions and my anxiety grew into an untameable monster. I started seeing a psychologist along my rehabilitations. I needed it. To fix my body and soul. The latter took much more time. It took me three years to be able to walk by our room and another half a year to come in. I broke down that time. My sister found me trembling and crying at the doorstep. She took me into the living room and forbade me from going there alone ever again. She started to go with me every time from then on. And little by little I was able to stay in the room and eventually I took some of the things into my new room. Small things, like stuffed animals, books or a pillow. But what was still incredibly hard for me was to look at those pictures. They were all around our room along with many poster of our idol. Pictures of Yuuri, me, both of us, us along with our older sister, pictures of the entire family. I couldn’t look at them until year later. Then something changed inside of me. I was seventeen, almost an adult. I was able to come back into our room without crying anymore. I was skating again for almost three years by then. I was able to remember my brother without breaking down. So one day, I came into the room alone. Just as my sister forbade me so many years ago. It still looked just as we left it on that fateful day. And suddenly something shifted inside of me. I kept up with skating partially because I couldn’t give it up and partially because I knew Yuuri would want me to. Skating became my safe place more than ever over the years. And for the first time I allowed myself to look at all those pictures of my brother. He was smiling that brilliant smile of his. So happy. So very alive. I cried really hard then. But I couldn't stop looking through those pictures because I missed him so much. His smile, his laugh, his voice. How he made me laugh and gave me strength. His comforting hugs he gave me when I needed it. The hugs I gave back when he was in need. I missed him all. I wanted to go back so badly, to those days when Yuuri smiled at me, skated with me and planned our future with me. But I knew I couldn’t. I knew it yet I wanted it more than anything. And then it struck me. Yuuri planned us a bright future. We planned it together and it wasn’t entirely too late to make it come true. I found meaning in my life again. I promised I will make our dream come true. No matter what it takes. I was pondering about moving back into that room for a while but I knew I couldn’t. That place was mine and Yuuri’s. And I wanted it to stay that way. I moved a couple of things into my room instead. In the span of two days my room’s walls were decorated with pictures of me and my brother, those from our room and any other I was able to lay my hands upon, alternating with some of those old posters of our idol and few newer ones I bought. I had my dream again and I was willing to sell my soul to the ice to make it a reality.

I moved to Detroit to train under Celestino around a year later. He saw me on Japanese nationals and decided he wanted to coach me. Said I had potential. But we both knew that more than that I had unbreakable determination. I took my posters and my photos with me, to remind me why I was doing all of it, why I was leaving my family and my homeland.

My family was immensely supportive of my career choice. And I loved them for that more than ever. They understood how much it meant to me, even though they might not understand my love for figure skating, they understood my drive. It came from the pain they knew very well, after all.

When I got to the States I was nervous beyond belief but Celestino introduced me to Phichit and suddenly it was much easier. When I met him for the first time, Phichit just decided we were best friends from then on and adopted me as his friend. He was just fourteen then but I was incredibly happy to have him as my roommate, had he been just a year older Celestino wouldn’t have let us to share an apartment, but since we were both new to this whole world he let us. And since Phichit was a little bit goofy and couldn’t take that good care of himself Celestino was glad that somebody took care of him in the end. I spent most of my time with Phichit. Even though I was going to college and he to high school, he still managed to eat lunch with me at least four times a week, including the weekends. At first people thought he was my little brother or something but as he got older a lot of people assumed we were a couple. Which we obviously weren’t but I didn’t mind. Neither did Phichit since he always said that there was nobody good enough for me and that if never found anyone it only meant he could have me all for himself. I never understood what incredible good I did in my past life to deserve Phichit as my best friend, but I also never knew what terrible deed I’ve done for my brother to die, but I stopped questioning the gods, fate or karma a long time ago. I told Phichit everything the first year we lived together, he couldn’t understand why I didn’t celebrate my birthday let alone why I had cried in the morning. He understood then, and never pressed me any further.

I studied at college and trained with Celestino for many years. Phichit graduated high school and entered college in the meantime. I got to compete at the international level. My family, Yuuko, Nishigori and Phichit kept supporting me. Then my “big moment” came. The Sochi Grand Prix final. It was my first GPF but also ten years since Yuuri died. It was unbelievably hard for me. The short program I managed but then the night before the free skate my family called, saying our dog died. I was wrecked. I couldn’t keep myself together. It had been ten years since the car accident and I still wasn’t able to reach my dream. It had been ten years and that dog was the only thing left of my brother. The fact that he died made it much worse. My anxiety pills were nowhere to be found and the pressure was immense. I crumbled underneath it.

I bombed the free skated and came in sixth. I felt defeated. Ruined. Burnt out.

I went to Japan for a while after that. I stayed until the Japanese nationals. To be honest, I wanted to give up. But they didn’t let me. All those people who showed me love and support all over the years, such an amount I had never before noticed how loved I was. And so I found my love for skating again. I found my drive again. I wasn’t skating just for that promise anymore, there was more to it now. I wanted the future on the ice. I desired it. So I fought. I got through the nationals with breaking my short program personal best. And I broke my personal best in my free skate at Worlds.

Because you see, there was a promise I was unable to keep. I made another one then. I worked myself to the verge of breaking every day and told Celestino that this will be my final season with him, that I needed a change. He understood, maybe not everything, but agreed nevertheless. Phichit was another case. He cried and begged me not to go, he tried to bribe me at first, he offered to buy me a poodle and when I didn’t budge he decided to threaten me that he’s going to chain me to the apartment and never let me leave. It was otherworldly to see how much he was going to miss me, how much he cares for me. He was afraid of letting me out of sight for a long time, afraid I might disappear any second. I told him everything then, everything I came to realise while back in Japan and pointed out that he wanted to come back to Thailand to train for a long time now and when I leave he’ll have the chance.

He smiled at me then and said: “He would be proud of you.”

So I kept pushing my limits, further and further every day, repeated jump after jump late into the night until it was perfect, neglected everything from school to eating for the sake of perfection. I just wanted to skate like I knew Yuuri would, had he been in my place instead. I wanted to give him this season. I wanted to say goodbye. To let go. I wanted the gold for him. I wanted to reach our dream. I wanted to have the future we once dreamed of. All those bruises and bleeding feet was a fair price to pay for all that. I just wished Yuuri could have been here with me. Instead of me…

And I kept my promise. I won the GPF gold medal. I reached our idol, our dream. I skated History Makers in front of thousands. But still, there is a promise I was unable to keep…

Yuuki dropped her gaze from the dancing crowd into her glass of champagne, watching the little bubbles go up and disperse in the air. There was silence next to her and she didn’t know if she was glad for it or if it made her tense up even more. But the new champion understood. What she recounted right now was a lot to take in, all the more when they barely knew each other and she just revealed her entire life to a stranger. Except that Victor wasn’t a stranger, not to her. She knew a lot about him after years upon years of blind admiration that stayed with her since childhood. Victor was no stranger to her. And yet he was. She knew everything there was to know about Victor Nikiforov the figure skater, Victor Nikiforov the living legend, Victor Nikiforov the Russian champion, but she, just like millions of people, knew next to nothing about Victor, the man who loved his dog and was no god. She knew the man the press and the cameras made him to be, she knew the persona he always put up in front of the crowds. Yuuki didn’t know Victor Nikiforov at all.

She dared a quick glance to her left and laid her eyes on the Russian. His expression was one of those she had seen throughout her life a lot. One of shock, dismay and no idea what to say or how to behave now. What was different though, was that little glint in his eyes, something close to amazement and understanding.

Well, that is a first.

Victor’s eyes met hers. Yuuki’s eyes went wide and she averted her gaze almost instantly, turning her head to watch the other skaters deal with sponsors, ISU higher-ups and whatnot which took place to her right.

“I-uh…I mean- That is-…”

She could hear the Russian champion stutter and turned her head slowly back to him.

“I don’t know what to say, to be honest.”

He ran his hand through his fringe in a nervous gesture and brushed it out of his face only for it to cover his left eye again seconds after.

“How should I… Okay, well. First, that’s definitely more than I expected you to tell. And second, wow. Just… wow. I can’t believe how strong you are. After all this, you still managed to be who you are now and just wow.”

Yuuki felt the heat rise to her cheeks, she dropped her gaze and smiled a little.

If you could only see me now, Yuuri. Talking to and being complimented by no one else than Victor Effin’ Nikiforov. How I wish you could be here, too. You would have loved it. And maybe, I’d be able to say something, anything, with you here. He’s complimenting you too, you know? The programs I made about you gave me the opportunity to skate the program we made together so long ago and that program, it charmed the audience.

“Thank you.”

Yuuki turned her head to the Russian skater and smiled at him.

Thank you, Yuuri, for giving me life and love.

“It would be downright lunatic not to admire what you’ve achieved.” Replied Victor with a shrug, in a tone like there was nothing clearer.

“But tell me,” he turned to her fully. “What is the promise that you couldn’t keep?”

Yuuki’s breath hitched a little, she sighed deeply shortly afterwards dropped her gaze again.

“I mean, you don’t have to answer, it’s just that you mentioned it, and I’m curious, but if it’s uncomfortable for you then-“

Victor was nervously babbling and Yuuki couldn’t prevent the smirk from tugging at her lips.

“Calm down, Victor. It’s alright to ask. I don’t mind, I’ve already told you the rest of the story, why not this, right?”

Her voice was full of hidden uneasiness, her shoulders tensed up and she clenched her fist around the flute. But she knew she had to do this, for her own sake.

“The promise I made with myself almost a year ago… I promised myself to let Yuuri go. I swore to never let the past come to meet my future ever again. But I realised during the final that I’ll never be able to keep the promise. I realised that I cannot and even don’t want to let him go. Yuuri is a fundamental part of me, one that I cannot erase or lock up. Forgetting him would be the same as forgetting myself. It is all thanks to him that I am who I am today. And it is the past that created this present and always influenced my future and I want it to lead my way still. So I let go of all the regrets I’ve lived with up until now, I let go of living in the past but not of the past itself. I will always miss Yuuri but I decided to make the best of the life and love Yuuri gave me.”

Victor looked at her dumbfounded, yet his eyes were sparkling.

“Yuuri is your inspiration,”

Yuuki nodded, a soft smile playing on her lips.

“He has always been and always will be.”

She looked Victor in the eye and what she saw made her furrow her brows. His eyes were darker with something akin to envy.

“I wish I had that too.”

Victor stated quietly while his eyes scanned the crowd moving to the music on the dance floor.

“Inspiration, I mean.”

Yuuki couldn’t muster up anything except for a raise of her eyebrow.

“It would be only fair to share my story too, don’t you think?”

Victor met her gaze and maybe for the first time, Yuuki didn’t look away.

“Yeah.”

She breathed out, a little bit thrown off guard.

“I don’t have my inspiration anymore. I started losing it years ago. Slowly, but surely. The love I had for the ice that made me choose this life and the passion that always kept me going were leaving me and there was nothing I could do about that.”

“It started to feel empty, you see. All those competitions and medals, crowds and cameras, flashing lights and fake smiles. I came to somehow resent all of that. To be absolutely honest, I think this might be my last season. I don’t have anything that would hold me in the world of skating.”

Yuuki was left speechless, Victor’s words knocked the air out of her lungs with the precision of an experienced fighter’s punch right into the stomach. They stood silent. The Russian done talking and the Japanese unable to talk.

“Do you regret it, then?”

The female champion regained some of her composure after a while, looking back at the six-time consecutive Grand Prix gold medallist.

“Choosing this life? Choosing endless hours of practice, aching feet and strained muscles instead of hanging out with friends, spending holidays with family, going to college and finding a good job? How will you think of the years you spent on the ice when you leave it?”

Her own words startled not just Victor but Yuuki herself. Where she got all the courage to actually say those words and not just think them she didn’t know. But it didn’t matter as long as they did what they were meant to do, and they did. Victor’s eyes were wide and, if Yuuki dared to think, a little bit more alive than they have been just moments ago. She couldn’t help but smile a little bit, she understood the older man well enough, she had asked herself this very question many times before. Not always knowing the right answer, but now she knew, now she was sure that when she left, it would be with no regrets. When the time came and she would have to leave, she would be ready and would always love skating just as much as she did back in the day when she ran to the Ice Castle with a bag thrown over her shoulder, racing Yuuri who laughed that bright laughter of his and the sun shone upon Hasetsu.

The Russian seemed to be thinking hard about her question as she came down to earth.

“You see, there’s the other half of the story, isn’t there?”

Victor flinched and turned to her, and Yuuki could swear too all the god she knew that she would had never ever imagined she could made Victor Effin’ Nikiforov make such expressions.

“My free skate.”

She added quickly and the man seemed to catch upon her words. He nodded slowly, reluctantly, signalling for her to continue.

“I-I made up this story, you know? The story of my brother. It’s the story of Yuri on Ice. The days that should have been but never were.”

“I think, that if my brother had got the chance to live his life, he would have worked hard, harder than most people just to catch up to his idol and skate on the same ice as them one day. He would have sacrificed everything, even his home. Because I know that he would have gone to the States too, leaving our family and out dog back in Japan.”

“And after all those years of endless practice, hard work and exhaustion, he would have got the chance to meet the person he had been chasing all the time, got the chance to skate at the same ice and even to talk to them.”

“And he would have enthralled them. He would have swept them off of their feet for sure.”

“They would have fallen in love. Life and love, they would have it both, I’m sure of that one. They deserve it.”

Her voice died out eventually and Victor was simply left there standing, completely dumbstruck. Again. The Russian champion was gradually starting to get worried about how much the tiny Japanese girl made him loose his cool and his speech with all the things she had said about herself, about her brother. He was blown away as many times as in one year in just about one hour. It was scary, yet exciting.

“How? How did you think of a story like that?”

The girl just shrugged and made a noncommittal sound.

“Who knows? I guess that I just woke up one day and it was there. Just like that, as if there was nothing more true. That’s all.”

“I wish I could have lived the story.”

He spoke softly, meaning every single word.

“Yeah, me too.”

Yuuki replied distantly, her voice heavy with sorrow and something akin to longing. Silence fell upon them once again. She looked at the dance floor once amore and then something incredibly stupid and crazy came to her mind. So she drown the remains of her champagne and set the flute down on the table behind her and saw the male do the same. The Japanese champion couldn’t help the smile stretching on her lips as she grabbed Victor’s right hand, stepped in front of him and tugged on his hand pulling him towards the dance floor.

“Victor! Let’s dance!”

Victor’s eyebrows shot up his forehead, he looked puzzled, but at the same time there was pleased surprise behind the uncertainty.

“What?”

He stumbled forward trying to follow the girl as she turned her back to him and dragged him further.

“Why?”

She turned to him then, strange but not uneasy smile playing on her lips.

“Yuuri would.”

Because you see, Victor, Yuuri’s idol… was you.

And so they danced. Victor was unsure what to do at first, since he had never been dragged to a dance floor before, let alone at one of the Grand Prix Final banquets. Yuuki paid it no attention though, pulling him further and further until they were standing in the middle of the dance floor under the giant glass chandelier.

Yuuki lifted her left hand and placed it right under Victor’s right shoulder, while she grabbed his left hand and lifted it gently but firmly at the same time. The Russian took the hint and placed his right hand on her shoulder blade right above where her dress of undefined colour ended. They waited for a couple of beats until Victor stepped forward and took the lead into the waltz.

They were aware of the looks they got from around the room, of those owning smartphones snapping pictures like crazy, knowing well that those pictures would make some amazing shots on Instagram (Phichit that sly bastard was on cloud nine). But the two champions didn’t mind, they were the winners for god’s sake, the eyes have been pointed at them the whole night, not like they could get rid of them anytime soon.

They continued their slow rhythm while processing the things they shared and found out only minutes prior. They didn’t speak while they flowed easily around the room. There are some thing in life that don’t have to and shouldn’t be discussed. And so they simply didn’t.

The song changed and the rhythm with it, turning their dance into a fast-paced tango. Victor rearranged his hold on the tiny woman and smirked a little and Yuuki felt dread wash over her. Just what on Earth is he planning?! The steps quickened, their breathing did too and Victor spun her around. The Japanese had barely time to react and not trip over her own feet before she was in the male’s arms again, heading for another set of spins. Damn, he knows how to dance. And he’s well aware of that. As the song continued more and more pairs were leaving the dance floor in favour of watching the strange couple. Victor was too tall for Yuuki to match his steps and she was too quick with her feet for him to fit his larger steps along hers, and yet they never fell out of the rhythm nor had they even once stepped on the other’s foot. Tiny beads of sweat started to form on their temples, the air in the hall suddenly not cold enough.

Thoughts were swirling in Yuuki’s head as she followed Victor’s lead into another fast dance, not quite distracting her enough to mess up her steps but enough for Victor to need to use a little bit of force to guide her around the dance floor.

What should I do? What is there to be done in the first place? But it needs to be done, it has to be done anyway, doesn’t it? But what is it? What? When? How? How, how, how? When-If-I do something, will it be enough? Can it even be enough? What if not? What then? What will be left? Bitterness and disappointment? Or just nothing? Since sometimes all that’s left is void, isn’t it? But what do you do when there’s a void? You fill it. Can this void be filled?

Victor dipped her low suddenly, earning a yelp from the Japanese. He chuckled, pulled her back up and set them into motion once again.

Yuuri would have loved you. You would have loved him.

They did a sequence of fast-paced spins and appeared in the middle of the floor again.

“Victor,”

The said man looked down to her, his eyes questioning, waiting, sparkling, smiling. Yuuki smiled back.

“Be my coach, Victor!”

Years have passed since that night. Yuuki was now a three time-consecutive world champion with Victor as her coach. The season they talked for the first time was his second-to-last, he retired then, to coach Yuuki to become a legend. His own words. After that time at the banquet Victor found Yuuki at the hotel foyer and told her to just wait and see. So she waited without knowing a single though of Victor’s. He won the world championship with a new free skate then. And as they met at the banquet he took her to the side and told her his intentions. His wish that the next season would be his last and at the same time his first as Yuuki’s coach. She laughed and supported his idea. And so he did just that.

Three years later Yuuki was preparing for Japanese nationals, when Victor took a week off, stating that they both needed it and that good rest once in a while was also a part of the job. She didn’t argue with him. Over the years she had learnt a lot of things, including this one, and also that sometimes Victor needed the alone time and that time Yuuki saw there was something slightly off about him, but didn’t ask. She knew that he would tell her when the time is right.

She was sitting at the beach in Hasetsu where she went for her short holiday, watching the black tailed gull fly over the waves and scream out loud at each other. Her phone rang then. She looked at the screen only to find her air-headed and somewhat strange coach’s number written on it.

“Hello?”

“Yuuki!” came a cheerful voice from the other side.

“Hi, Victor. How’s your vacation?” she asked with a smile.

“Great! You see, I…”

They chatted for a while, words flowing easily between them but Yuuki knew. She knew there was something Victor wants to tell her so badly, just didn’t know how.

“Yuuki…” his voice dropped after they stopped laughing at one of Victor’s stories.

“Yes?”

“Yuuki, I fell in love.”

Oh, I see.

“Victor, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you.” She replied softly.

It’s all right, Victor.

She could hear him let out the breath he’d been apparently holding all this time without knowing. She smiled, a little bit of sadness mixed with the sheer joy.

“Tell me all about him. If he treats you badly, I’m going to call Phichit and Chris and we will find him and rip his lungs out after we skin him slowly and painfully.”

She smirked as Victor let out a terrified noise on the other side.

“Yuuki,” his voice gained an icy edge. “I think Chris and Phichit influenced you way too much, maybe you should consider limiting your time with them.”

The Japanese just laughed wholeheartedly.

“Don’t say that, you love us.” She answered jokingly.

“I do.” He breathed out after a second.

“And I love him too.” He added slowly, almost as if he was unsure.

Yuuki knew why.

“That’s the best thing you could have told me, Victor.” She stated in soft voice and equally soft smile on her lips.

It’s all right.

Yuuri would want you to be happy.

The wedding that occurred a year and a half later was beautiful. White roses filled all of free space of the gardens. Victor looked stunning in a white tuxedo. So did his husband. Yuuki was Victor’s best man. His reasoning was easy, he wanted an unusual wedding in every way. Chris was furious when he found out that it wouldn’t be him but calmed down eventually because he loved his silly friend and when he saw her in her sky blue dress standing near the altar he whispered with a wink:

“You look beautiful today. I can’t wait for your wedding.”

She waved him of with a You’ll have to wait for that.

Right before the start of the ceremony, Victor turned to her with question in his eyes. She just nodded. He chose well. Yuuki trusted the other man to take good care of her beloved friend and coach. But deep, deep down, at the very bottom of her heart, she still couldn’t forget that dream she once had, the dream that led her to creating Yuri on Ice. The dream of her standing at the very same place, right next to Victor, waiting for her brother to walk down the aisle and marry the man he loved. She would never forget the feeling of seeing the two of them, the sight of Victor’s eyes shining bright when they fell upon Yuuri or the smile that stretched across Yuuri’s face as he came up to the other man and laid his hands into the Russian’s. Deep, deep down in her heart, where even Yuuki herself didn’t see, lied that single thought, that there was someone else she’d like to see walk down the aisle that day.

Victor knew it, but was never even the slightest bit mad. And Yuuki knew that he knew. They just never said it out loud. There are things that don’t need to be said. He had figured it a long time ago.

He had figured it out somewhere along the way.

That Yuuri’s idol was him.

Yuuki smiled at Victor sincerely while she squeezed his hand in reassurance.

You know, Victor, I know you would have loved Yuuri.

He squeezed back.

You know, Yuuki, I know I would have loved your brother. Maybe I even do, a little. I would have loved Yuuri with all my heart had I gotten the chance. I wish I could.

He smiled back. This was right. This was good. This was happy. Victor chose right.

Yuuki felt tears in her eyes and she wiped them off quickly, the ceremony hadn’t even began yet and she was already all emotional from giving her best friend away. He squeezed her hand once more, she squeezed his back and let go. All heads turned towards the beginning of the aisle. The groom had arrived.

Victor’s face lit up a little bit and so did hers.

Onii-chan, this life… This is the life you gave me, this is the love you gave me. Thank you. Because Yuuri…This life…In this life, I'm happy.