Chapter Text
Nesta sat by the edge of the nascent of the river, looking at the water flowing down, knowing that it would ultimately find the ocean. She thought suddenly that the water was a lot like her. Being born in one berth and ending in another entirely. Remembering the ocean she thought of all she had lived since she'd seen it last.
Most of all, she thought of her visions in the fire. She'd seen it all. She'd seen… herself. And it had been a rude awakening. All the things that had been said to her… they were right. She was cold and unfeeling, calculated. She'd chosen one sister over the other more than she could count and she'd never shown her love for those who had it.
She, gods, she deserved nothing.
Mor’s voice saying she didn't deserve Cassian echoed in her mind and this time, instead of thinking that perhaps she was mistaken, she knew she had been right.
Her reflection in the water looked back at her, her eyes had a strange glint to them, sorrow, almost. She kept her eyes on her reflection, pondering the life she had lived and wondering what she could possibly do from now on to change it.
She was still thinking this when she saw the largest brown bear she could have ever imagined, lingering behind her.
She jumped up with a scream. There was a bear not twenty steps away from her. She shouldn't have left, Cassian would know what to do, this is what she got for being a coward. She was going to be eaten by a bear.
She had just finished screaming when the bear let out a roar that had her shaking where she stood. The bear's paw was outstretched as if telling her to stop. Then, before her eyes, the bear slowly started melting into Cassian.
“Nesta, calm down, it's just me.” He was speaking while transforming, the snout and fur receding, shrinking in size. “Nesta, breathe.”
She was able to suck in a breath, but it didn’t feel like her lungs were filling. She must have been breathing because she could feel her chest going up and down, “You’re a--” she couldn’t make herself say it, didn’t really know what to say. She’d seen him… morph.
“Well, I’m a shapeshifter. Remember I told you yesterday that the tribe had gifts? The people of the Night Tribe are shapeshifters.”
“How?” she whispered.
He looked around, then back at her, “Like I said, it was a gift from the spirits. We lived so harmoniously with them that they started living with us, not just around us. The naming ritual is all about accepting the spirit that chooses you. Once the spirit chooses you, you can shift.”
Her jaw dropped and she pointed at herself, completely bewildered, “Can I…?”
He grinned, “Possibly. Probably.”
“Into a…” she pointed at her again.
“Wildcat.” he nodded, “An itty bitty kitty,” he smiled and laughed at himself while she just gaped. She could turn into a cat?
“That is not possible. I’m not… I’m not from the Night Tribe.”
“You are now. You officially became Night Tribe when you were given the sight. But you were already regarded as a member of the tribe by the spirits, even before that, otherwise you wouldn’t have seen anything in the fire when we were paired.”
“This is… insane.”
“I can imagine it would be for you, but it’s all true. I’ll train you to transform later if you want, for now, I’d prefer it if we returned to the camp site,”
“But--” she started, only to be cut off by another bear roaring. She looked back at him, as if she assumed it was him.
He waved her off, “It’s not me. I can only do that when I’m a bear and as you can see by the lack of fur, I’m human.”
“So there’s an actual bear somewhere close?”
He nodded, “Yes, when I roared it probably caught someone’s attention. Ergo, our little friend. Which is why I was saying we had to go back.” And just when he finished speaking a bear appeared at the edge of the trees, Cassian looked back nonchalantly at the bear. “Nothing to worry about.”
His calm did nothing to ease her, instead she felt herself panicking, after encountering two bears roaring at her in one day, her mind was a little too full of these crazy situations for one day, thank you very much. She tried to calm herself, but she couldn't. She was panting, all the air going into her lungs were useless. She could feel her heartbeat against her chest, her eyesight going fuzzy. Her skin started to itch… and she felt herself… shrinking.
Why was she shrinking?
She looked around her, trying to understand what was happening but nothing seemed right. Things looked too big for what they were. She craned her head, trying to find Cassian and found that he was much bigger than normal. She tried to asking what was happening but she only let out a loud “meow”. Looking down at herself she saw fur and paws .
Cassian shook his head as he watched Nesta shift into a cat. Well, a bit larger than a cat, but still, it was uncalled for. She couldn’t really control it, unfortunately, so he would just have to guard her for now. Willing himself to change, he took Nesta, who was no doubt panicking badly at the moment, by the scruff and walked them away on his four paws.
He could feel her breathing erratically and honestly, who could blame her? He trudged quickly back towards their camp. The bear would leave them alone there and if she didn’t he could talk to her and explain they were no danger to her or her cubs. She was just a momma bear trying to protect her family, she would be agreeable once he explained why they were here.
If he could do that and calm Nesta down, he’d give himself a new tattoo, because that would be quite the feat.
Trying to exude calm, he walked and once he reached their modest camp, he very carefully set cat-Nesta in the tent before changing back into his human form. He went back inside to find cat-Nesta sitting in the middle of the tent, visibly shaking. He sat next to her and placed her on his lap. She looked up at him, her gray-blue eyes, the same she had as a human, looked scared and almost pleading.
He carefully pet her around the ears, “It’s all about the emotions, Nesta.” He said as calmly as he could, “Getting your heartbeat down to a more normal level is the first step.” He continued petting her as soothingly as he could. Soon she rested her head on his lap as he pet her slowly, she started purring not long after and he smiled to himself, thinking that at least cat-Nesta liked him. Her little nose moved and she moved closer to him, then a little closer, until she simply jumped onto his chest and buried her face in his neck.
He startled, but then just continued petting her as she sniffed at his neck. Her shaking stopped, breathing started to slow, “That’s better isn’t it?” he asked soothingly. She let out a meow he took to mean “yes”, so he continued his instructions, “Now, keep your breathing like this and think about yourself, think about your hair and your hands, your toes, think about what it feels like to move your arms, wiggling your toes, think about looking around you and seeing from your normal perspective.” She meowed again, a little more annoyed than before. He chuckled lightly, “Keep thinking about it, sweetheart. Now, when you think about it, tell yourself that’s the way you want to be and think of transforming,” She “meow”-ed again, and he slowly felt her fur receding, becoming her soft skin, he felt her paws turn into hands.
“There you are,” he said softly.
She started shivering again, then said in a small voice, “That was… Terrifying.”
“I can imagine,” he said good naturedly, continuing to stroke her, her hair now and not her fur. By some miracle, she let him continue holding her and brushing his fingers through her hair, soothing her as much as he could.
Once she stopped shaking, she pulled back to look him in the eyes, “How did I even do that?”
He kept his hands where they were on her waist, since she hadn’t told him to take his hands off yet and he was quite enjoying being able to touch her for once, and deliberated on the answer. He wanted to be as clear as possible, “You were upset, then I scared you by appearing as a bear, so when the second bear appeared, your body did its best to keep you alive. It’s best defense was changing you from human to your animal form. Like a reflex.”
She shook herself out of his hold, standing up and starting to pace, “So I didn’t do anything? Will it happen again?”
“No, you didn’t really do anything and it’s not likely that it will happen again, at least not before you learn how to do it on purpose.” Seeing that her legs were shaky as she walked, he pulled her back down onto the furs, “Stop pacing, you’re tired, you’ll fall and hurt yourself if you keep going.”
She sat, sitting looking blankly at one direction, rubbing her hand over her forehead, “Today has been a very long day.”
He took her hand in his, “Nesta, we need to talk.” She looked up at him, then down at their hands, back up at him, lifting an eyebrow in question, “About why you left this morning and walked to the stream.”
She looked away from him, pulling her hand from his, “I had to leave… to breathe.”
“It’s about what you saw in the fire, isn’t it?” She didn’t answer, but her mouth tightened, “What did you see, Nesta? You have to talk to me, just walking away while I’m sleeping isn’t fair, so talk to me.” She didn’t seem like she was going to say anything, “ Please .” He pleaded.
“I saw myself,” She whispered, then she breathed deeply, then turned around and lay down. Obviously she wasn’t going to say anything, so he just sighed and decided to go to sleep too. All of the day had been spent tracking and calming Nesta and now it was already after dark. Why didn’t she just let him in? Why couldn’t she see that he wouldn’t care about anything, that he’d just be happy she was letting him in?
“What about yourself did you see?” he asked quietly after a little while, hoping maybe the dark would be enough to persuade her to talk a bit more.
“Everything,” she answered, “And none of it was good.”
He bunched his eyebrows in confusion, “Did you see yourself and Elain?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“Trying to rescue Feyre?”
She nodded, then started talking, quietly, “I saw what I did to Feyre, how much hate I had in me, how horrible I am.” Her voice failed her, “I looked at myself and I just couldn’t stand it.”
“You know what I see when I look at you?” he asked, turning toward her, looking at the way she nestled herself in the furs. She shook her head and let out a muffled “no”, “I see a person that feels everything so deeply. A person that is maybe hard to understand, but those few people she loves, she loves with a ferocity that people would envy if they only tried to to understand. You’re a protector, you’re tough and you are absolutely awe-striking. Not just because you are incredibly beautiful but because anyone can see how unyielding and decisive you are. You would be a nightmare to anyone that fears strength and the best dream to someone that actually sees you for what you are.”
“I’ve made mistakes… mistakes that hurt people.”
He inched closer to her, hand going to her arm, “We all have, and if anyone thinks they haven’t they’re kidding themselves. What matters now is how you go on from now, what you do to not repeat the same mistakes.”
She pulled him closer, “Alright,” she answered quietly.
He wrapped his arms around her and soon they were both asleep.