Chapter Text
“You need to trust me.” Those words don’t ever come easy to Neil, since every bit of him is a lie. No one should ever trust him. But in this instance he needs the trust, because if he doesn’t have it then he could be in danger, and not the type he is used to. A new type of danger that involves falling, involves being left with people who could push him, or could cut the line he hangs from. He wants to trust them but he doesn’t know them well enough. The reputation they have is one of misfits and runaways and, truthfully, he fits in well.
Even though they aren’t high off the ground, Neil is still scared of falling. He was falling before, but he wanted to then. It was a risk that would never happen again, but it will happen again because this is something he is doing now. A thing he will be doing now often, in front of others. He’s one of them now, a performer who is risking his life staying in place this long. Even though they move around, he is recognizable as one of them. Someone only needs to know where they will be to know where he is.
Practice with the Court is not easy. They all expect him to be better. Andrew won’t help him, which is leaving him to practice alone or watch everyone else with their practice. And it is amazing to see how they work together in their own little teams, to see them do things that normal people would never dare. Even other Circuses wouldn’t allow their performers do the things they do. The Foxes are reckless and a danger to themselves and each other, but they are good at what they do, and Neil hopes he can one day be as good as them - assuming he lives long enough to train.
It’s amazing, how they are all so good at what they do, but they can’t work together at all. They are split in two groups and it makes it hard for the show to work, which Neil noticed quickly when he watched them that first night. They were good at their single acts, but when they had to work as a team for their big acts they can’t do it right. They fight over space and deliberately make it difficult for each other. It was chaos, but it was still beautiful to anyone who didn’t hear the yelling later. Who didn’t notice the way that Nicky and Aaron would defend Andrew when the girls would rebuke him for being in their space when they were in the middle of the highwire and he started his act - perfectly timed to ruin theirs. Matt had Kevin critiquing his lack of control of the animals that had knocked him and Nicky out of their formation and had forced Aaron to change the course of their performance.
Neil knows they could be great together, and the acts could actually work together, but of the people who perform, none of them want to work as a team or do anything to help each other. The only one who is calm about it all is Renee, who everyone seems to like, or at least tolerate, which seems to be the best that some of them can do.
Back in the present, Neil watches Andrew stare blankly at him, before turning and walking away - ignoring him completely. What is he meant to do if his partner doesn’t want to trust him with this? He could always just train and train until he is capable, but he doesn’t like the judging looks he gets from them when he messes something up and they all see. They all look at him pityingly . Kevin calls him untrained and problematic, he says that Neil shouldn’t have been allowed to join them. Neil’s retort was a low blow, but deserved, after having fallen for the third time when he had tried to flip in the air only for the bar to be in the wrong place to grab.
“You shouldn’t be here either, you aren’t who you used to be. You’re weak now, and broken. You just drag Aaron and Nicky down because you can’t stand to think that you aren’t the perfect performer you were once. You shouldn’t be critiquing anyone if you couldn’t do it yourself.” The flinch he gets makes him grin and turn away from Kevin feeling like he had managed to do something that was deserved entirely. He goes back to the platform to try again. He will get this right and damn anyone who says he can’t.
The lights are too bright compared to the darkness from outside. Maybe he shouldn’t be doing this so late - he needs to get better, and he can’t do that with everyone watching. Practicing at night is the best option if he ever wants to improve. If he ever wants to be good enough to be able to perform, which is all he wants to do now. All he’s ever wanted to do, if he were being honest with himself.
After his eyes adjust, Neil is shocked to find that he is not alone like he thought he was. Kevin is in the center ring on his hands, rooted to the spot while Andrew watches, smoking a cigarette and eating popcorn. Backing away, Neil tries to leave before he’s noticed, but Andrew’s eyes are sharp - exactly as sharp as they were when he first saw Neil walk into the tent. Before he knew t Neil had any talent in him. Before he was dragged into their family.
“Here to call Kevin a cripple again are you?” An unpopped kernel is flicked at his head as Kevin moves back onto his feet to stare at him, evidently annoyed to see him there. Neil figures since it’s obviously the time he uses to practice he shouldn’t be disturbed by anyone, especially after their fight earlier that day.
“I was going to practice. If I had known you would be here I should've just stayed in my room. At least I wouldn’t have to watch him make a fool of himself trying to do what he can’t, all because he wanted to try something he shouldn’t have. I’ll just leave you two here to do whatever it is you get up to.” Neil turns away but is called back before he can take two steps towards the tent flap and into the freedom of the outside world.
“Practice then. We do two different types of acrobatics; you in the air putting your life in danger and me on the ground like someone without a death wish. It’s not like you’ll be in my way unless you decide to fuck up again and end up falling on top of me.” Neil knows that Kevin doesn’t like him, and understands why after everything that has happened to him over the last year, but it still doesn’t mean he gets to rule over everyone else like he is so much better than them all. After all, the reason he got hurt was because he tried doing something he couldn’t do. And since he doesn’t know Neil and doesn’t know what he can do, which is probably better than him knowing everything that Neil could do to him - if only he had proper reason to do so. If only he was able to prove himself and make it obvious to them all that he isn’t someone to be messed with.
“Fine.” That’s the end of the conversation, just a single syllable to end it and send Neil on his way to the ladder, to start his practice with Andrew watching him. That blank stare excites more nerves in him than if Andrew were outright laughing at him, because he can’t tell how he is reacting to what he’s doing. For all Neil knows, Andrew is actually plotting to kill him. Probably in some sort of manner that could look like an accident and still have nothing put on him. Neil hates him. He hates the smug look on this face as he watches Neil stand on the platform like an idiot, like he doesn’t know what to do with himself.
The bar is slippery in his grip, like it wants him to fall and hurt himself. Like he isn’t worthy of being able to fly the way he does when he’s actually trying to practice. He wants to fly though. Even with the slide on the bar he grips it tight and pushes off the platform, feeling the jolt of his stomach as the ropes pull taunt and he moves through the air instead of plummeting. It’s still as thrilling now that he’s done it a dozen times as it was when he first grabbed the bar to stop himself from falling from the silks that Andrew loves so much. The feeling of flying and falling. The way his body twists through the air and all the colours around him blend together as he moves past and around them. The orange and white of the tent, the colourful stands and the dull ground beneath him. The ring and Kevin looks like a blur under him. Like they are nothing important. Like they’re re not there for the purpose of taunting and the prospect of failure. Andrew is just a streak of black and blond as the stands fly in repeating loops as he swings back and forth, flipping to the second bar and then back to the first. It was going well. He was doing better than he normally did during the day, but then his fingers miss the bar because his eyes were locked on Andrew who had moved from his seat to the platform in front of him, perched on the edge and watching him. The transition had happened fast. Faster than it should have in the span of Neil’s trip across the bars. The smirk on his face is what Neil sees as he falls to the ground and lands with a dull thud that barely bothers Kevin who handsprings across the ring without even looking at Neil. He takes a minute before getting up and going back to the other platform. The one without the psychopath on it. For someone so tiny, Andrew is scary. No wonder the others are weary around him. It’s only a short ways up, but it still takes time when he goes slowly, keeping eye contact with the blond across from him who just blankly stares, no emotions on his face or in his eyes. Terrifying.
“Is it reasonable to think that you’ll actually help me, or are you just going to stare at me like a dumb cat?” Andrew doesn’t answer him, just continues staring. Sighing and gripping the bar again, Neil tries again, this time not allowing himself to be distracted by Andrew, who sometimes throws rude comments at him to try and get him to fall again. Neil focuses on what he’s doing, not letting anything get to him as he visualises how he needs to turn, and how high he needs to be in order to be able to reach the next bar. He’s good at this, or good enough at knowing the angle he needs to reach before he can let go. It’s the letting go that’s hard. The knowledge that if he’s wrong, if he doesn’t reach or can’t keep his hold on the bar, he’ll end up on the ground again. He knows that if he can’t do it now, he might fail at it at another time - when it’s important to actually stay in the air. The reputation of the Foxhole Court is bad normally. Having a performer die during a show would most likely stop them from being able to perform ever again. Letting go is difficult, but the seconds that follow his fingers leaving the bar, the few beats of his heart as he is falling again, this time he falls with purpose. He falls towards the ground, but catches the other bar and he’s flying again.
When Neil lands back on the platform it’s to the sound of sarcastic clapping and cheering from Andrew, who manages to make it sound completely bored even though the act is normally an enthusiastic and excited thing that shows pride or approval. How this man is related to Nicky Hemmick is a completely bewildering. Nicky, from what Neil has seen, is enthusiastic and loud. He flirted with Neil after the first show but hasn’t done so again. It was confusing, but he was harmless, and overall Nicky seemed to be a happy guy. Probably the only joyful one of the Monsters; which is what Matt told him Andrew’s lot is called. It’s good though, he balances them out since the other three are all sardonic and full of hatred for everything that moves.
Going back down to the ground takes barely any time as he just slides down the ladder rails. Kevin is drinking water and waiting for Andrew, who is on the ground before Neil and stands across from him, watching.
“Neil, you’re coming with us into the next town we end up in. We’ll give you the chance to get to know us, and we’ll get the opportunity to get to know you and who you really are, since you turned up and gave us only your name. It’ll be a learning experience for us all.” It’s a trap, Neil knows it is a trap, but he wants to know what they’re like. Or at least he wants to find out if Kevin actually knows who he is, and has been playing dumb, or if the disguise he is using actually worked in fooling him. If it hasn’t, then it might be a shorter stint in the Court than he wanted, but probably should be.
“Okay. Where are we going next? And why do you want to get to know me, you’ve made it pretty clear that you aren’t interested in getting to know me, or work with me.” He’s stepped forward until he’s close enough to Andrew that he has to look down to stare into the blank eyes of the shorter man. The colour is beautiful, but he shouldn’t think such things, this man hates him and shouldn’t be trusted.
“Because you’re a mystery. Because you carry more money than someone who’s a run away could ever need - if you really are a runaway. Because you’re a nobody who tries to blend in, but can’t do it right, and it’s so obvious that you don’t belong with us, but not with anyone else either. You could belong, you might not be one of us now, but you could do well enough until we can palm you off to someone else so I don’t have to deal with you threatening my family or my deal.” It’s a longer conversation than they had ever had before. Normally there are no words shared between them, but this seems to be a point to be made. Even if it is cryptic and confusing and Andrew seems more intent on scaring him than anything else.
“You went through my things and you want to know who I am? Figures that someone like you would do such a thing and not be able to piece it all together. You do seem deranged enough to do something like that when you could have just asked. It’s quite simple to ask a few questions and get answers back. I’ll go with you though, since you probably won’t leave me in one piece if I don’t. But until then, I want nothing to do with you, just like you want nothing to do with me.” It’s not that he actually wants nothing to do with the Monsters, but he doesn’t want Andrew to know that, since it could make him more of a target for whatever it is that he’s planning. It could also end with Neil being hurt by him. Or being found out for who he actually is.
“That’s fine with me, you just complicate my deal with Kevin, so keep out of my way until then.” Andrew turns and leaves, Kevin trailing behind him without a word, leaving Neil behind to ponder on what Andrew means. What kind of deal does he have with Kevin that Neil could be messing with? He doesn’t interact with Kevin, so he isn’t complicating anything that’s obvious.
The tent is left as he found it - bathed in light and full of the lingering smell of people and popcorn, colourful and with bits of rubbish from the last show under the stands. The fairground is eerie without the fairy lights and all the people that crowded it. It’s like everyone just disappeared. There are toys hanging up at the game booths and day old popcorn sits waiting to be cleaned out while the other foods at the stalls sits left out in the open for anyone to take whenever they want something sweet. Neil watches the wind gently press against the small buildings leading to the gates that are closed and locked. No way in and no way out. He can’t run away from this now, it’s like the gates are telling him that he has to stay. He has to prove himself to the Foxes. Even though he shouldn’t, he could climb the fences, leave, and never see any of these people again. But it makes no sense not to stay. He’s already in danger no matter where he goes. If he’s going to be found anywhere he goes, he might as well do something he enjoys.
The large brightly coloured carriages at the back of the showground consist of the performers living quarters, the bathrooms, and where all the gear is stored while they are travelling. He shares one of the rooms with Matt, along with the girls who are nice to him. It doesn’t seemed forced on Matt’s part, who is just as happy, if not more so, than Nicky. It’s nice to have a roommate that doesn’t hate him - the girls are friendly enough, but they can be a bit over-the-top for Neil’s liking, especially when it comes to the clothes that Neil wears. They try to include him in their outings and their hangouts. They try to make him feel better about the things that are going wrong with his training. But it’s hard to open up to them and tell them a false story that he had made up about living in the little town they all met in. To try and explain why he can’t change clothes with Matt in the room. Why he doesn’t like people touching him and why he was so easily persuaded into joining the Court. He can’t open himself up to any of them. None of them would understand exactly what it is that he does, or why he has to keep running. They couldn’t keep it to themselves either, they’re a team, and he’s the outsider who can’t be one of them no matter how much he tries. It’s like he has chosen to lock himself in a cage. On one side are the lions and on the other are tigers - both are dangerous and could hurt him in the end. But he stays in the middle, because the lions want to eat him alive and leave his bones to turn to dust, and the tigers are trying to make him one of them, but he can’t do that. He can’t be one of them because he doesn’t know how to fit in.
The room is a mess, but it works for the two boys who can’t be bothered to clean everything off the floor. Their beds are on either side of the carriage and they have their own areas to keep their things. Matt is asleep when Neil gets back in, which is good because it means he can change out of his sweat soaked and dusty clothes and into something clean to sleep in without feeling awful in the morning. Hopefully it will be easier to practice now. He’s had a few days of training, and maybe Andrew will actually work with him enough to improve him. To do something that will allow him to perform in front of other people.
Andrew was not willing to work with him. When asked he said he’ll work with him if Neil gets through the night with the Monsters, if he does, than he will be worthy to work with. If not, then Neil will have to find something new to do if he wants to stay with the Court.
Wymack called Neil out of the tent to talk to him, hopefully to tell him some sort of good news after the last few days of being bruised and beaten by all the practice he’s put into this. But when he goes outside to talk to the Ringmaster, he knows that it isn’t going to be pleasant.
“I know you’re new here. You might not know everything about what happened with Kevin when he was with the Raven’s. And you need to know. You need to be able to judge him based on what the truth is, not just what the media knows. Okay?”
It’s a confusing topic, since Neil already knows that Kevin got injured trying to do something he shouldn’t have been - working on an act that he shouldn’t have attempted without any training in that field of performance. The story was released by Riko Moriyama, the star of the Raven’s Circus, who told the press that Kevin would be leaving them because of an injury that would stop him from being able to perform again. A few months later, the Foxhole Court Ringmaster released a statement saying the Kevin was now one of their acrobats and is fully capable. The popularity of the Court went up after that, with people thinking that maybe they were a capable circus, but it was unlikely that they will ever be up to the standards of any of the other Circuses. Since the self proclaimed King made his perfect act, at least double the size of the Court, and even though they’ve gained the second best performer the Raven’s had, it would take an act that works perfectly to be good enough to compete against them.
“Kevin didn’t get hurt by doing a trick he shouldn’t have. Riko Moriyama shattered every bone in his hand so that he wouldn’t be upstaged. The competition is this year, and Riko wouldn’t give Kevin the chance to be chosen over him. That’s why I need you, Neil. You need to make them work together if we’re going to have have the chance to compete. We need to be able to rival them. If we can’t do well this time around, then the Court will be destroyed. You can make them work together, I know you can, Neil. You’re new and they don’t know you well enough to know whether or not to trust you.” It’s a lot to take in. Too much to take in, really. But he understands why he’s needed here now.
The competition is a big event. Every few years, all the circuses in the country compete to be the best; which circus earns the most money, which has the best acts - everything about the circus is critiqued. Everything is used to mark them and make them want to be the best, it’s all used to make them compete more and more against each other. Makes them hate and want to win. The best gets to tour overseas, gets funding, becomes famous among all the circuses in the world. Winning would take a miracle. The competition starts in two months and they won’t be ready. They can’t do it.
“I understand why this is important. I’ll do my best to fix this team and make them worthy to compete against the Raven’s,” Neil spoke with determination. He does want them to do this.
“I know you’ll be able to make them a proper team, they all have so much potential, but they can’t work together. Get them to work together and you’ll have done something no one else could. Get them to get along and we might have a chance. You’re one of us, Neil. You’re a Fox. No more running away. You can stay with us and have a home. You can make them work together and make this show what it could be. It could be great.”
The Court could be. It could be as good as all the others if they could all just work together. Neil knows he needs to pass whatever test Andrew has in store for him if he wants to be able to have a home. Somewhere he belongs. Because he could belong here. He could belong with the Foxes. They could win and be the best if they worked together as a team instead of as enemies. If what the Ringmaster had told him was true, then the real enemy wants to destroy them. The real enemy wears a fake crown and thinks himself a King when really, he is a fool.
Neil will stay, he will fight, he will live. He will do everything he can to make this work, to make the Foxhole Court a place that people will want to come to. A show people will come from all around to see. They will be the best.