Chapter Text
Space.
A vast empty ocean, glittering with colorful planets, strange worlds, and stars bigger than even a really really big mountain. Predators lurk around every corner. Space pirates, blackholes, comets, and all sorts of bad things that space heroes don’t like unless the space heroes are bored and maybe want some excitement.
Our ship (which we super coolly named Moon River in honor of where we met!) drifts through space, traveling from planet to planet, exploring the ripples of our universe. There’s such a lot of universe to see! We haven’t done any of that yet, but we PLAN to! Erm… anyway!
Space is weird. To think there are things out there that are so huge, so magnificent! It is quite literally infinite! Even the most wildest of fictions become truth out in space if you go far enough. What a thing to think about! It makes you want to punch it! hjkfuemc
What! No, why would you punch space? PHjmbfBC
Why wouldn’t you punch space?! ouewf
It’s rude! fxxxxzzxcmzx
It’s cool! GhiaefnjgewfPRokioAwehjtgpwuwydmghvn
“UNDYNE, STOP, IT’S MY TURN TO WRITE IN THE SPACE CAPTAIN’S JOURNAL!”
“You already had three turns in a row!”
“IT’S MY BROTHER’S SHIP, SO I GET TO HAVE MORE TURNS!”
“Ngah!! We agreed that I was co-captain!”
“G-guys, please!” A shrill voice silenced their argument, freezing the ‘captains’ in place, their boney arms and clawed hands pressing keys at random. “I-I’m trying to work on the ship’s oxygen levels! O-one mistake and w-we could be suffocating in our own beds!”
A lazy chuckle. “well, you two, not us.” Sans didn’t sound concerned for his new fleshy friends. His pink slippers rested upon a soft space cushion decorated with bones, stars, planets, and bones.
The Great Space Captain Papyrus broke free of his struggle with Undyne, glaring at his lounging brother. Undyne took advantage of this moment to type aggressively in the spaceships console.
“SANS!” he scolded, his fish-bowl helmet fogging up with steamy rage. “I NEED OXYGEN TOO! I’M A SPACE MAN! SPACE MEN NEED OXYGEN! THAT’S WHY I WEAR THIS HELMET!” Presently, he pointed poignantly.
Ignoring the fact that Papyrus’ helmet was connected to absolutely nothing, meaning no oxygen was reaching him as he spoke, Sans said: “of course, bro. that’s why i installed an oxygen producer on the ship in the first place. pretty breathtaking aint it?”
“SANS, AT LEAST TRY HARDER ON YOUR TERRIBLE JOKES!”
Alphys groaned, wiping the sweat off her brow, space tools (a wrench, but in space.) clinking and clanking on the floor as she worked. “I-I appreciate the attempt, Sans, but the oxygen levels were w-way too low for all of us!” She let out an exhaust filled sigh, grumbling to herself, “is-is this thing really held together with gum?”
Undyne finished her journal entry, already bored. Like everyone else, she ignored the gum comment with a shrug. “Alphys, we’re magic aint we.” It was more of an unsure statement than a question.
“Uh, well, yeah?” Alphys answered dumbly.
Undyne scratched at the gills around her neck. “So, do we really need air?”
Alphys scrunched up her face in thought, focusing on her task. “Well, you and I do,” she said, without her usual stutter. “Papyrus and Sans don’t.”
“I DO TOO NEED AIR! I AM A SPACE ASTRONAUT!”
“bro, you don’t need to add the space part to that.”
“YES, I DO!”
Undyne ignored the skeletons, a confused frown on her face. She wasn’t normally one to question these kinds of things, but when faced with a possible lack of oxygen, it was usually best to be somewhat prepared. “But, why do we need air then?”
Alphys’ expressions changed into disgust as she pulled out another piece of gum from the mechanical panel of wires and tubes and other equally space and future sounding things. “Well, you see, it’s all about belief, right? Like humans can only hurt us if they intend to do us harm and believe they want to hurt us.”
Undyne scowled, her eye narrowing.
Alphys didn’t notice. “But us monsters, or at least the more fleshy kind, we believe we need air. So if we find ourselves without it, we’ll die!”
Undyne looked down at her own chest and noticed it rising and falling at an uneven pace now that she was aware of it. Experimentally, she held her breath.
“BUT I NEED AIR TOO!” Papyrus protested, offended that he wouldn’t die due to lack of oxygen.
“you’re more of a bonehead than an airhead, paps,” Sans chuckled, leaning back into his cushion.
She couldn’t hold her breath any longer. With a wheeze and a gasp, Undyne found herself breathing again. It looked like it wasn’t quite as simple choosing not to breathe. This must have been something in her unconscious mind, or whatever that nerdy junk is.
“thanks for the exposition, doctor.”
Once her breath was back, Undyne growled his way, “Only bonehead here is you.”
No witty remark, no shrug, not even a glance her way. Somehow that just made her even more angry.
Alphys sighed with content, looking to the rather large pile of chewing gum next to her (how do skeletons even chew gum??) and wincing. There was way too much, but it was gone now. The wires were tidy, the bolts were bolted, at least as far as Undyne was concerned, it seemed to all be in order. The air felt… aireyer? Huh, maybe this was all in her head stuff again.
“I t-think this will do for now,” Alphys said, closing the panel tightly.
Papyrus attempted to take a great big breath of air, almost puffing his chest out somehow. “AH, MUCH BETTER! THANK YOU, DOCTOR!”
She raised an eyebrow but nothing more. “You’re w-welcome.” She wiped the sweat and grime off onto her coat. “Now, if you’ll e-excuse me, I need to update my s-status!”
Papyrus clapped his hands together. “OH! I WILL BE SURE TO LIKE, COMMENT, AND SUBSCRIBE!”
“Wait, Alphys, what?” Undyne asked, a look of concern on her face, feeling a lack of oxygen ironically.
Alphys became aware of Undyne’s intense reaction, beads of sweat and stutters escaping her body. “O-of course! I-I always update my s-status every fifteen m-minutes! M-my followers m-must know!”
Undyne grit her teeth and quickly shuffled over to Alphys, grabbing her shoulder with a light intensity, trying not to scare her, but failing to do so. “Alphys,” she repeated, looking directly into her eyes. “You didn’t… post those pictures of us together, did you?”
“I-I-I…” Over the past few days, Undyne and Alphys had become very close, sharing a room together, sharing almost everything together. Alphys could never fear Undyne, and Undyne would never hurt her but!... She was afraid of what she might have done. “W-well, at first I did um p-post my autographed poster of you!”
Undyne’s eye widened.
“A-and, I p-posted how we w-were traveling in a ship together! W-with the cool Space Pirate Undyne!” Alphys still found time to swoon over the name. “I-I told everyone you weren’t n-nearly as bad as they all said!”
Papyrus beamed, clearly not reading the room well. “IT’S TRUE! I ALSO ADDED MY UNENDING PRAISE ABOUT YOU TO THAT POST! YOU’RE THE COOLEST NUMBER ONE WANTED SPACE CRIMINAL I KNOW!”
“B-b-but then, someone…” Alphys clenched her fist, and her stuttering stopped. “Someone said fake! They said I was faking it! I faked the signature! They said ‘pics or it didn’t happen!” Alphys did the voice in a very unflattering tone, all while Undyne stared on in horror. “Well! I proved him wrong! Once I posted that picture of us together with my Mew Mew Kissie Cutie plushie, they shut up! I showed that stupid troll what for!” She breathed with a grin, clearly proud of herself.
Undyne had to admit, Alphys was extremely attractive right now, but this was not the right time. “When did you post that?!”
“YESTERDAY!” Papyrus chimed in. “OH, I LIKED THAT PICTURE SO MUCH! I EVEN USED ANOTHER ACCOUNT TO LIKE IT AGAIN!”
“Oh, you’re colskeleton95?” Alphys asked.
“YES, THAT WAS MY FIRST ACCOUNT, I MADE A MISTAKE IN THE NAME, BUT DECIDED TO KEEP IT JUST IN CASE.”
Sans scratched his skull. “i really should check spacebook more often for these things.” He shrugged. “probly could have prevented this. oh well. i’ll look tomorrow for sure.”
Undyne didn’t even have a blasted spacephone! She wanted to, obviously, but it’d only bring trouble, and this proved it! “Tell me you guys don’t leave the auto tracking feature on, right?”
Alphys coughed and gave Undyne the worst poker face in the universe. “…no?”
Papyrus, as per usual, came in with his overbearing honesty. “I DO, DON’T WORRY! I WANT TO MAKE SURE ALL OF MY FOLLOWERS KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME!” He checked his space phone again quickly. “OH, ALPHYS, I SEE YOU HAVE IT ENABLED AS WELL, DON’T FRET!”
She grinned, her face drenched in sweat.
“I’M NOTICING A HUGE SURGE IN FOLLOWERS AS WELL! A WHOLE ONE! THAT’S DOUBLE THE FOLLOWERS I USED TO HAVE! WOWIE!”
Undyne let out a sigh of relief. Maybe no one was aware of these two on their social media sites, maybe they could delete the pictures and statuses right now and everything would be fine.
“H-hey, m-me too! I-is your new follower XxxCurds_and_WheyxxX?”
“WHY, YES IT IS! SHE SEEMS LIKE QUITE THE COOL CAT!” He paused, thinking of a better word. “OR SPICY SPI…”
Why did that name send shivers down Undyne’s spine? Thousands of little tickles all running down her scales. She shook her head. It was probably nothing. “Screw whoever that is! Alphys! Papyrus!” Undyne growled, standing tall, her captain-like presence returning to her. “I need you both to delete all those posts, and turn off your trackers right now or els-”
The Moon River suddenly jolted, an explosion knocking everyone but Sans off their feet and onto the ground. He let out a little snore. Bones, spaghetti, and anime figures toppled over, clattering and splatting along the chrome floor. Undyne ignored everything, her instincts quick, she held Alphys tight, pulling her off the ground and keeping her safe from any further damage.
Papyrus’ bones rattled as he shakily attempted to regain his composure. “WHAT WAS THAT?” He yelled with a tinge of fear in his usual confident voice.
The rocking finally subsided to Undyne’s relief. Alphys pressed her face into Undyne’s dirtied shirt, whispering apologies the whole time. Undyne refused to blame them. It was her fault for coming aboard, it was her fault for not warning them the dangers of harboring a criminal in the first place.
“was wondering when this would happen,” Sans yawned, his feet still up. She felt those little specs of light on her neck, felt the judgement.
Now wasn’t the time to get angry. Undyne pried Alphys away from her stomach and looked her in the eye, rubbing the sore spot on her head. “Alphys. Alphys, it’s okay, don’t worry, but I need you to find out if our engines are still working, all right?”
Alphys nodded, but didn’t move.
“Please, get to it,” Undyne repeated sternly.
“R-right! Sorry!” Alphys quickly snapped herself out of her shock and scurried away into one of the rooms.
She wondered how they weren’t all vaporized right now, but there wasn’t time for that. Undyne quickly jumped over the heap of Papyrus on the floor and to the controls on the front of the ship. Sure, it wasn’t her ship, it wasn’t even a good ship, but she knew how to fly them and maybe, just maybe she could still get them out of this.
A voice crackled from the speaker. “E-Engines are down! W-we’re completely immobile!”
Undyne cursed. Whoever hit them knew what they were doing. “Can you get them back up?”
“Y-yes, but it’ll take at least thirty minutes!”
Gritting her fangs together, she looked over the display screens and other various bone-shaped buttons, trying to remember the old days. “How about our shields? Weapons? Does this ship even have weapons?” Ngah, she should have checked all this beforehand! Why did she allow herself to become so sloppy!
“don’t know, eh?” Sans yawned, as if reading her mind. “we got some nice shields, at least. not so much in the weapons department.” She felt those little beads of light on her back again. “really shoulda known that by now, space pirate.”
“I know!” Undyne roared.
“whoever it was must be good, too,” Sans continued, his words lazy and filled with a spite that only she could hear. “probably an expensive shield piercing missile used to go straight for our engines is my guess.”
She whirled around, eye twitching in anger at Sans. “I know! Why don’t you do something useful and help Alphys!?”
He shrugged. “i’m not any good at this tech stuff,” said the creator of this ship.
Papyrus finally managed to bring himself up, his rattling quieting down. “DO WE KNOW WHO HIT US? MAYBE IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT!”
Fat chance. Undyne checked the radar. A small bone icon signified their ship, and at the edge of the radar, an annoying looking dog icon began to appear. Undyne let out a sigh of frustration. “Is that dog icon another ship?”
“yep,” Sans said with an awful audible grin in his voice.
She ignored how much he was enjoying this. At least this meant it was probably only one ship. If it was the Space Cops they’d already be swarmed by now. Whoever this was, they weren’t with the Space Queen. She wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
As the annoying dog grew closer to the bone on the radar, Undyne was able to look out the cockpit of the ship’s window, out into the dark inky reaches of space and see their attacker slowly loom forward. Whoever they were, they were enjoying this. Undyne clenched her fist, avoiding the urge to punch her own machinery.
“WE SHOULD OPEN UP A CALL WITH THEM!” Papyrus meekly requested. “IT MUST HAVE BEEN AN ACCIDENT!” He repeated. His rattling bones and stuttering voice betrayed him, however.
The enemy ship floated ever closer, its black form becoming slightly clearer in the darkness of space. It was a cute little spider, and the legs on each corner of its body appeared to be jet engines, while the other four legs seemed to be some kind of high-tech weaponry. Aside from the cute features, this other ship was clearly armed to the teeth, sleek, and dangerous.
Undyne fumbled on the controls, looking for the right button.
“phone icon,” Sans mumbled.
“I was going to find it!” Undyne hissed, finding the bone button that was shaped like those extremely old-school relic phones that no one even makes anymore. She pressed it, and looked up into the newly projected holoscreen.
“I HOPE THEY ANSWER,” Papyrus said as the machine rang in a horrid high-pitched tone.
She must be toying with us, Undyne thought with a grim frown. It was all too clear who they were dealing with, now. Someone she had hoped to never encounter.
“Ahuhuhu!” A girlish laugh wafted pleasantly through the ship, the voice reaching through every speaker. A face appeared to match, the screen a bit of a mess of static after the damage they had taken. Multiple red eyes gleamed, and a fanged smile greeted Undyne, much too pleasant. “My my, deary, I’m ever so sorry, I appear to have struck you.”
Papyrus’ face brightened. “SEE!? I KNEW IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT.”
“Cut the crap, lady,” Undyne growled, in no mood to play her games. “You’re that Intergalactic Space Bounty Hunter Muffet, aren’t you?”
“don’t need the space part,” Sans grinned.
“Shut it!”
“SHE DOES!!”
The woman on the screen only smiled wider at that, another pleasant laugh escaping her pretty little lips. “Ahuhu, so you know me! And I did so hope to have a little fun.”
“Hard not to know one of the top bounty hunters in three galaxies over,” Undyne growled.
“four galaxies now,” Sans corrected.
“I said shut it!”
Muffet sipped at her tea, forcing Undyne to wait for a response. She always hated these power plays. She preferred battles be settled over fists, not words. With a little clink, Muffet’s tea was finished, and a happy spider took her set away. “My my, and it’s quite difficult to not know you, deary. The Dread Pirate Undyne I believe they called you?”
Undyne winced. “I don’t go by that name anymore.”
Muffet shrugged. “That doesn’t quite matter to those who would pay me, deary.”
“Get to the point, what do you want?!”
The screen flickered out only to reveal Muffet’s grin had grown wider, hungrier. “Ahuhu, deary, that should be obvious. I want you!”
Undyne clenched her fists. Fine. This wasn’t the best outcome she could think of, but it was the one that would work. If she could hand herself over, maybe the rest would be spared. She opened her mouth, ready to surrender.
“NEVER!” Papyrus shouted, pushing Undyne to the side to make sure his face would be seen clearly.
Muffet blinked. She didn’t expect this.
“paps, let fish face do the talking,” Sans said.
“NO WAY!” Papyrus refused, somehow able to hold Undyne back from the controls. “WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!”
Muffet grimaced. His voice was too loud for her delicate ears. There was no laughter. “Deary, I think it’s in your best interest to give me that dreadful pirate.”
Undyne struggled against his grip, unable to get back on the screen. “Hey! Listen to her!” she yelled. “Give me up! I’ll be fine!”
He wouldn’t flinch in his stance metaphorically and not-metaphorically. “EXTREME NEGATIVE!” Papyrus nodded, still causing Muffet to flinch with his voice. She one of her many hands to lower the volume. “YOU SAVED MY LIFE UNDYNE! YOU’RE NOT THE DREAD PIRATE PEOPLE SAY YOU ARE!”
The Dread Pirate in question struggled under his gangly grip. “So what!?”
“SO!” Papyrus continued heroically, finger raised to further his point. “IF ONE OF US DIES, WE ALL DIE! IT’S ONLY FAIR.”
Undyne’s eye went wide, as with Muffet’s. “Are you insane?!” They said in unison.
Papyrus merely grinned. “NYEH HEH HEH! JUST TRY AND TAKE US DOWN! WE’LL SHOW YOU THE TRUE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!”
“nice one, bro.”
Undyne and Muffet’s jaw was left agape for a few seconds. Neither were prepared for this kind of… ‘optimism’ was probably the nicest way to describe it.
Muffet quickly composed herself, a sly grin and an airy laugh back as the status quo. “Ahuhu, well dearies I certainly don’t mind! A Dread Pirate’s dust will still be just as valid! I only hope I don’t blow your ship apart too much, finding your crumbling bodies will be quite the bothersome chore.”
“Wait! Wait!” Undyne wailed.
The holographic screen hung up, leaving only a terrible looming silence. Papyrus stood completely still, stuck in his heroic pose from before.
“so captain, what’s the plan?” Sans asked pleasantly.
“ARE THE ENGINES STILL DOWN.”
“Y-yes!”
If Undyne didn’t know any better, she’d say Papyrus had turned bone white and got replaced by a heroic statue. “IS TALKING IT OUT STILL OUT OF THE QUESTION.”
Undyne finally broke free from his grip. “Yes!”
In the distance, she could see the weapons powering up, purple glow highlighting the black edges of the spider’s legs. They didn’t have long. Muffet would probably not use her full fire power at least, probably hoping to keep damage to a minimum. Undyne didn’t have many options, but there was still one thing she could do that got her out of more than a few scrapes.
“You guys got a teleporter in here?”
The teleporter wasn’t working.
A cold clammy hand clamped her claw. At first, the sensation was normal. Alphys was trying to get her attention. But wait, why was this hand so rough? At the same time, it was brittle, like a breeze could break the bones with ease. Oh, god.
“What the hell!?” Undyne screeched, ripping her hand out of his cold phalanges. “What are you doing, you creep?!”
Sans shrugged, his smile strained now, as if painful to hold up. “needed a hand, i guess.”
There were so very few times in her life that Undyne had ever felt violated. This was one of them. Just the mere touch utterly disgusted her. His entire being burned into her scales, that lazy smile, that worthless sense of dread, his useless nihilistic outlook, ready to give up at the first sign of trouble.
“Don’t you ever touch me again,” Undyne growled, wondering why Alphys wasn’t fussing over her right now.
Sans made the ‘ok’ sign with his fingers, like she wasn’t worth the breath, ironically.
Her blood boiled. A spear was already in her claws, even she hadn’t realized it. Undyne wanted to continue to berate the puny little bag of bones, but noticed something else wasn’t right. The Moon River was certainly a lot darker. Seriously, where did Alphys and Papyrus go? Were there always cobwebs?
“Ahuhuhu,” laughed a lofty voice. That. Was not Alphys. “And here I thought Dread Pirate Undyne would have put up a fight! Instead she throws herself right into my parlor. A bit disappointing, but delightful regardless!”
“How?!” Undyne asked dumbly. “Our teleporter was broken, how did…” she looked over to Sans, regretting it instantly. He just shrugged of course. This was hilarious to him, wasn’t it?
Muffet’s space suit hugged her slender frame. Her ribbons bounced as delicately as her laughter, teacups and teapot in one of her many hands. “I appreciate your playing coy little fishy.”
Sans stifled a laugh in his ribs. Undyne glared.
“But it’s clear your so called friends just handed you over to save their own skins!” Muffet stepped forward through her pitch black ship, tiny spiders skittering away from her feet, acting as cute/terrifying shadows. She held a hand over her fanged mouth, as if to also hide her laughter, but doing a terrible job.
For a moment, that idea screeched through her mind. Alphys, Papyrus, would they really hand her over? Of course not. Sans however… He was staying conveniently quiet for this.
“Fat chance!” Undyne roared. “I sent myself here to kick your disgusting spider butt!”
The insult landed squarely on her face. Disgusting!? Her grin faltered, and she frowned. “Ahuhu,” she laughed again, strained this time. “You’re even more a fool I thought!” She waved one of her hands absent-mindedly. “And here I was just about to cease firing on your little friends!” Her eyes narrowed, and her fangs gleamed. “You know, those skeletons may be tasteless, but that pale lizard girl would make such a juicy donut.”
Undyne grit her teeth. “I’m the only one allowed to eat her!” Instant regret. Sans snorted. Undyne’s battle strengths lied in her spears and weapons, not pen and paper. “Ah, whatever, forget it! Let’s get this over with!”
She ignored the cute little spiders beneath her and charged forward. Luckily, they narrowly avoided her stomps much to Muffet’s worry/relief. Sans, of course, stood back, hands in his pockets. Worthless as always. She didn’t need him.
“Ahuhuhu,” Muffet cooed. “You must be green with envy of my ship and my quips! I think a nice royal purple will soothe those blues.” In the next instant, her eight hands pulsed with a purple glow, highlighting the skittering webbed walls. There was no time to dodge, it seemed to surround her at every angle.
Soft silky webbing wrapped around her scales delicately, slowing her movement to a stop just before Muffet. Soon, her entire body felt as if it were in a soothing warm embrace of a thousand blankets, yet a strong force kept her still. She struggled against the light fluffy magic, but its warmth stopped her, cooled her boiling rage. Her muscles felt weak, her eyelids heavy.
“Ngaah!” Undyne could only move her head now, her entire body wrapped tightly in this marshmallow-like fabric. Desperate, she looked back to Sans. He was sleeping! How!? How could he be so useless!? “Are you just gonna stand there and let her kill us!?”
His body jolted and a muffled sleep groan escaped his bony teeth. “you got this.”
She felt the webs rip and tear around her claws as she imagined crushing his pathetic skull in her claws. He’d shatter into a million pieces, and she’d be glad there’d be no chance at putting him back together.
Another soft laugh. Muffet sipped her tea with one hand, the others still glowing with power. “Your friend is smarter than I thought. Maybe I will spare them after all! Ahuhu, I will regret not biting into that juicy little lizard, but I won’t regret making you into a delicious sushi roll for my cute pet!”
Before anyone could object that a sushi roll doesn’t exactly fit a bakery theme, one of the ship doors opened with a groaning metal screech. The dark scuttled away, as a gross hairy leg stomped into the dim light. Undyne grit her teeth. She didn’t fear it. It was pretty disgusting, though. The giant spider lumbered in, its giant gaping mouth drooling with an endless hunger. It stared at Undyne, wrapped comfortably in her royal silks, realizing its master had brought it another tasty treat.
It moved closer, rancid breath melting her nostrils, the smell drifting through a dry throat. Undyne suppressed a gag, and looked back at Sans who apparently was content with letting her die a gruesome death. She felt no anger towards the monster, not even any rage toward Muffet who was willing to kill her own monsterkind. At least her motivation made sense. She’d be getting a hefty reward once they’d found Undyne’s dust. Sans, however?
“You worthless sack of bones!” Undyne screamed at the skeleton, her claws ripping the webbing uselessly. “I should have known you’d let me die!” He kept his eye sockets closed, lost in that fake slumber of his. “At least have the decency to watch me die if you’re going to let me, coward!”
Muffet’s monster opened its gaping chasm of a mouth, the shadowy void of its insides beginning to envelop Undyne. This wasn’t her ideal death. Devoured by a spider. She’d hoped she’d have gone down fighting the demon lord of space. At least Alphys and Papyrus would be all right.
“guess i’ll throw ya a bone,” a voice sighed. Sans?! She must have died. No way in hell he was helping. Undyne heard the distinct sound of a bone bonking a creature’s head. It clearly struck with the force of a pillow filled with kittens, but it got the creature’s attention. The mouth left Undyne harmlessly, other than a bit of thick rancid drool here and there. Her vision back, she witnessed the lone bone Sans had lobbed pathetically bounce off the creature and just narrowly miss a surprised Muffet.
To their surprise, it struck the ship’s console and hit a button at complete random. Whirrrrrr. Speakers on the corner of the ship suddenly blasted music into existence, the beat drumming into her skull and her very being. The spiders all throughout the ship began swaying their cute little bodies to the tune, Muffet’s hip swaying in unison as well. She couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh, how thoughtful of you deary! Dinner with a song! This meal will be all the more delicious now!”
Undyne’s eye witnessed the giant spider creature vaguely curve its mouth into a wicked, disgusting smile. Its abdomen also shook sluggishly with the music, and it began making its way towards Undyne again, mouth agape, happier than ever before.
Sans simply shrugged and scratched the back of his skull. “huh. done all i can do.”
Undyne couldn’t believe it. That stupid skeleton saved her, just to let her die three seconds later! He gave her the hope she might live, only to swipe it away again! What kind of sick freak?... How could he be so useless?! How!? Her mind reeled, her veins nearly popped out of her scales in rage. She tasted her own blood on her lips, finding she had bit down too hard. Her vision turned red, and soon she couldn’t even feel the soft silk holding her in place.
“You lazy little coward!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, the webbing near her shredded to pieces as if it were nothing but a stuffed doll. She forgot everything. She knew nothing anymore. She wanted only to kill the skeleton, see his bones break and burst. She charged forward, spear in hand, dodging Muffet’s creature absentmindedly, much to her vocal dismay.
Sans was right in her grasp now. She used every ounce of her being, every bit of magic to thrust her weapon into him, her eye desperate to see his bones dissolve into dust, his soul shatter and fade away. She felt her weapon strike directly into hard metal, piercing the stuff like hot butter. Somehow, her attack had missed. Wires sparked and writhed from the wall, explosions rocked the entire ship, but the music still blared. The spiders didn’t care.
Muffet shrieked, somehow the only one able to comprehend what happened. Her arms still swayed in tune as she shouted. “Our shields! Come on, stop her!”
Where did he go!?
“looks like you tuff’d it out,” Sans said through a low chuckle. “ya know, like tuffet? since muffet and tuffet and … ah, well, you get it.” How did he get over there?! It didn’t matter! Undyne would still kill him. She’d freakin’ do it! The beat pounded in her chest, her boots pounded against metal in sync, as she charged forward toward him again, her rage unquenchable.
A hulking form got between her and Sans. She didn’t bother even looking its way. In a swift motion, she suplexed the thing, tossing it to the side like it were a mere pebble. There, Sans was back in her sight, his stupid grinning face just waiting to be punched.
“My pretty!” Muffet screamed as the ship rocked again from another explosion. Her once cute face began to sweat into her many eyes, but she still danced, her arms preoccupied. Each hand desperately tapped and clacked away at some sort of holographic keyboard, red exclamation marks blaring before her face, steam hissing at every angle. The other spiders seemed to love the smoke and light show though.
Undyne ignored the chaos, still focused on that lazy blue in a sea of red. His hands stayed in his pockets, but a single slippered foot tapped along to the music silently, his grin wide and clearly mocking her. “nothin’ seems to get to you, eh fish face? your moves are silky smooth. if i didn’t know any better, i’d say you’re carapissed. ya know, like carapaces. like a spider.” He sighed. “these puns aint easy.”
Undyne wanted to tear her ear fins out. “Will you shut the hell up!?” Why wouldn’t the music drown him out!? Why was he everywhere she looked?! Why wouldn’t he leave her alone!? What seemed like a hundred bright green spears fizzed into existence, pointed directly at Sans’ thick skull. He couldn’t dodge all these! The next moment a shower of green shot forward like glowing lasers at a concert, piercing the ship’s hull with ease yet again. The spiders were in absolute awe.
Another bright red exclamation mark blared in Muffet’s many eyes. “Now weapons are down!?” Before she could continue working, a small explosion blew her back on her butt, her legs still trying to fight the music’s beat but failing.
Undyne’s mind was in a frenzy. He was dead now! He was dead! Surely! Finally! He’d be dead! She’d be dead soon too, of course, but at least he’d die with her like he deserved! Her chest heaved as webs, debris, dust and dancing spiders cluttered the now thinning air. When everything cleared, she saw him. Sleeping. Standing up. Not a single scratch on him.
“I know there is no way you actually fell asleep!” Undyne howled, her voice quite mad with rage. He mocked her, still! After all this! She couldn’t believe it! Would it take some kind of ultimate death laser to finish this!?
Undyne wasn’t quite sure if she really had succumbed to madness aboard this exploding ship of dancing and raving spiders, because in the next instant, that is exactly what happened. A blue blast of energy shot through the ship, cutting it in half with the heat of a thousand suns. The ship really rocked this time, gravity lost completely.
Whatever just hit them knocked her back into her senses. The ship was falling apart. It’d be a heap of scrap metal soon, and the vacuum of space would suck her and everyone else out into oblivion. The spiders floated happily, their limbs dancing forever.
It was over. Muffet was through. But it looked like Undyne and Sans were through, too.
Thinking quick, Undyne pushed herself off whatever floor or wall she was near and swam through the sea of cute dancing spiders, noticing Muffet’s big pet struggling uselessly in the gravityless environment. In the chaos, she found her way to this ship’s teleporter, hoping somehow, it might still be intact.
“God damnit!” Undyne roared, pounding her fists into the buttons and into the teleporter platform in a desperate attempt to get it working. The oxygen was leaking, and clearly the ship was not getting any more. “Sans!” She cried out over the blaring of sirens and music.
“need somethin’, fishy?” he replied almost instantly, floating lazily in front of her with his arms behind his back.
She didn’t have time to kill him now, he was going to do that to himself in a second anyway. “Get the teleporter working again, quick!”
He didn’t even shrug this time. “nah.”
“Are you kidding me!?” She huffed, wheezing for air already as the ship creaked and distorted around them, soon to fall apart. “We’ll both die!”
“maybe you will.” He pointed to his skull. “bonehead, remember?”
“You…. you!...” Her vision was getting blurry again, she couldn’t think of anymore insults, and the music began to get distorted.
“tell ya what,” he interrupted, his sockets finally staring at her for once. “promise me something.”
“Sure, whatever!” Undyne coughed.
“promise me ya won’t ever hurt Papyrus.”
That was an easy promise! Not that it’d matter, anyway, there was no way she was getting out of this one. “Of course, I’d never hurt him, you idiot! He’s the best friend I’ve ever had!”
Sans grinned at that, wider than usual. The music drifted away. Everything was exploding. “shake on it.” He held out his bony hand.
Whatever! She was dead anyway! Nothing mattered at this point. Might as well die proving she cared for Papyrus! No longer able to speak, she grabbed his sweaty (somehow) phalanges and made to shake. Instead, she heard something over the explosions.
Pffffrrrrrbbbbbtt!!! A whoopee cushion. Mother fu-.
The ship exploded in a brilliant flash of light, bits and pieces of metal scattering out into the inky dark black of space, never to be heard from again.
Papyrus and Alphys stared in awe at the sight. Purple and blue and green, a rainbow of colors exploding in the black of space. The Moon River had been damaged, but nothing Alphys couldn’t fix. Muffet’s ship, however, was nothing but scrap.
“I-I thought you said y-you had barely any weapons installed!” Alphys screeched, staring out into the debris.
Papyrus scratched his fishbowl absentmindedly. “WELL I’VE NEVER HAD TO USE MY BLASTERS BEFORE, I GUESS I DIDN’T REALIZE SANS PUT THOSE IN.”
“B-but!” Alphys was sweating up a storm, eyes scouring out into the mess of metal, hoping to find something, something that wouldn’t destroy her.
One of the pieces of scrap seemed to jiggle. Papyrus and Alphys focused on it intently, unable to say another word. It sputtered and sputtered, skittering in the opposite direction with a purple glow. It was…
“A DONUT?”
Sure enough, a cute little donut flew out of the debris, the cockpit in the center of the pink donut revealing a cramped and clearly unhappy Muffet, stuffed with her thousands of spider friends and one rather large spider pet. The others were having a good time at least. The little donut’s engine whined to life, dashing away with what little dignity it had left.
Alphys still couldn’t find the others, though. Her clammy hands clenched into tight fists, her pale yellow face turning into a bloody red. “I’m focusing the blaster on Muffet’s escape pod!” She cried in a fit of rage, her hands moving with a lighting fast grace Papyrus had never seen before. The Blasters hummed to life, and the reticle fixed on what remained of Muffet.
Papyrus shrieked. “NO! DR. ALPHYS SHE IS DEFEATED, STOP!”
“She has to pay!” Alphys cried, ignoring the bony protests.
“think she’s paid quite a bit, wouldn’t make much cents to shoot her now,” Sans replied from behind, already lounging back in his chair.
“SANS!” Papyrus groaned. “QUIET! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE ARGUING OVER THE MORAL DILEMMA OF WHETHER OR NOT TO TAKE REVENGE FOR YOUR DEATHS!?”
“sorry, bro.”
“W-what,” Alphys huffed, her finger hovering over the blaster button.
Undyne appeared from the teleporter room shortly after, her hair a mess of sweat and cobwebs, chest heaving. “She still deserves it!” she huffed. “But, let her go. Gotta say, pretty hot how you were willing to blast her to smithereens for me.” She grinned.
There wasn’t a second thought. Alphys forgot her rage, and forgot her crippling anxiety. She left Muffet to her escape and traded revenge for an embrace with Undyne. “You’re all right! How?”
Grinning through gasped breaths, Undyne managed to say, “That bonehead musta got the teleporter working last second.” She returned the hug with a happy groan. “Geez, babe, watch your grip.”
Papyrus frowned, attempting to stay angry at his lazy brother for worrying him, but failing. “SANS, IS THAT TRUE?”
“shrug,” Sans said without a shrug.
“YOU’RE LUCKY I’M EXTREMELY GLAD YOU’RE NOT DEAD,” Papyrus said, lifting his brother for an embrace as well.
“eh, i’m fairly glad too, bro,” Sans said with a yawn, appearing genuinely tired this time, but enjoying the hug all the same.
...
And then everyone stood up and clapped. Being a Space Captain is hard, but rewarding work! Looking forward, we-
Wait what, no one clapped, Papyrus.
I AM ADDING TO THE OVERALL SPACE FEEL, YOU WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND!
This nerdy stuff won’t work, just write down the important part, how we totally beat up one of the best bounty hunters in the galaxy!
I WAS GETTING TO THAT! FjgijajfijgmGTNgm
Space can be really boring and really stupid sometimes, but sometimes its NOT boring! Sometimes you beat up a legendary bounty hunter! Fjianuwyef and SOMETIMES, you learn to share with your co-captain! Shouldn’t we end with a life lesson that we learned? Like how friendship conquers all!
Fjueahfnj. Friendship didn’t do jack! My fists and your freakin’ lasers conquer all! I learned nothing, and I’m GLAD! Hahahahagijuhwfm don’t SAY that!! GKijgmegmGKGJ
Well, all right. I learned one thing. I need to pay better attention to what I’m doing. It’s not just my own hide I’m putting in danger now. I put all you guys in danger just by being here. I’m going to be more careful from now on.
OH HO! So you DID learn about friendship, didn’t you!?
SHUT UP! You guys better also learn from this by not FREAKIN’ POSTING OUR LOCATION TO EVERYONE!
Nyeh-heh-heh! Anything for my new best space friend! MFmewfuuh god, you’re such a nerd, too!
One thing’s for sure, as long as we’re together, we’ll be able to handle anything this universe throws at us! We’re ready for anyone, and anything, Afanau aND we’ll punch them better than anyone’s ever seen! GMFhhpr IF THEY DON’T WANT TO TALK IT OUT, FINE!
I’m tired of this! I need some rest after all that butt-kicking!
Moon River Space Journal, CLOSE!