Chapter Text
Having someone to talk to helps a lot.
Octavia doesn’t have to feel caught between to chairs or guilty – even though I do, but on the other hand, Clarke has the rest of the group to share her thoughts or feelings or whatever, so it’s fair, that I get someone to talk, too – and I can be myself at home.
My miserable self.
Days pass by in a blur between working and sleeping.
Before I know it, May is over.
And then it’s June. Her birthday. I write her a text message, because I can’t bear to hear her voice. She writes a thank you back. Octavia goes to her party. I don’t.
In July, I'm finally better. One morning I open my eyes and she isn’t the first thing to cross my mind. It’s so good to feel this way and I bask in relief for the whole day. I throw myself into work again – just this time out of happiness.
Soon, it’s August. It’s been one year, since that body shot. And Raven throws a party again.
The whole group is coming and I can’t back out.
It’s the first time, I see her again since… Well. Since the breakup, if you want to call it that. We exchange hellos and smiles and do some small talk. “How are you doing?” and “How’s work?”. Thankfully, we get interrupted soon enough.
I cry myself to sleep again.
I hate September, before it even starts. Because it’s my birthday soon and I don’t want to throw a party this year.
-
But on September the third, the evening, before it is my birthday, I throw a party, because Octavia made me.
I invite the whole gang, their significant others and a few colleagues from work. The new head of cardio, Anya Forrester, who’s become a friend during the last weeks, Luna Rivers, our psychologist, and Echo Winters, who’s an excellent neuro surgeon.
I invite Clarke and Finn, too. Because I can’t not invite them. But she declines.
I'm not sure, if I'm relieved or sad. Probably both.
The party’s great.
But I'm glad, when it’s over, because it’s the first birthday, since I’ve known Clarke, that I spend without her and the unspoken truth lingers in the air.
Since I don’t get hangovers, I'm the first one up in the morning.
People in alcohol induced comatose conditions lie everywhere in my apartment. Luna is sleeping on the carpet. Raven has snuggled up with Anya on the couch. Even Echo, the normally cool and frosty woman is sharing her armchair with somebody – Bellamy Blake, Octavias brother.
I can’t remember, when that happened.
Before I can make myself a cup of coffee, my phone chimes somewhere in the living room. I decide to ignore it, since every person I care about is here (okay nearly), so it can’t be that important.
But then it chimes again and I'm curious. It takes me a few minutes to do so, but I finally manage to find in beneath the couch.
08:03
Clarke: hey, birthday girl. I wish you the best. <3 I hope, you survived the party?
08:06
Clarke: do you… maybe want to go for breakfast?
And just like that, I miss her again.
I'm about to type an answer, when she sends another message.
08:08
Clarke: I'm sorry, you probably don’t want to. I just… I wanted to talk to you about something. It doesn’t have to be today, though. I hope, you still have a nice birthday. :)
I sigh.
If she wants to talk about something, it has to be important. Normally, she avoids serious talks. It’s just who she is.
I type eight different answers – from a “yes” to a “no” to a “maybe” to an “I don’t know” and back to the beginning – until I decide to send my eight version.
08:13
Me: Thank you :) how about grounders? Thirty minutes?
08:14
Clarke: see you in 30. :)
------
Clarke is waiting by the door, when I walk around the corner of our favorite diner.
She’s wearing her dark blue leather jacket and her hair is tangling loosely in the wind. I watch her trying to tame it a few times, before she gives up and pulls out her phone to check the time, only to put it back in the pocket of her jeans. Next, she fiddles with the hem of the blue checkered flannel, she’s wearing.
She looks… nervous.
After a few more silent and secretive seconds of staring (or pining?), I decide to deliver her from waiting.
“Hey.”
Clarke turns around quickly and I could swear, she wanted to hug me for a second. She doesn’t, and somehow it feels wrong.
God, I missed her.
“Hey.” She says in a soft exhale. “You look great!”
“No, you do. I look… tired out.”
She chuckles, while shaking her head. “Are you hungry?”
My answer consists of a smile and a nod.
It feels awkward between us, but I’ve been craving her presence for months. Being close to her now is… indescribable.
“How was the party?”
“It was nice.”
“Nice?” She repeats. “That’s shittys little sister.”
“I know. It was great. Raven made out with my new colleague. That was… unplanned.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. They’re still asleep on my couch.”
The waitress appears and we order our breakfast. Pancakes with syrup for her, pancakes without for me. And coffee for the both of us.
I try not to stare at her, but I fail miserably.
The flannel is accentuating the blue of her eyes just the right way. Not, that they’d need it. They’re beautiful in every light, no matter what.
But it’s not helping, that she keeps staring right back at me. “Happy birthday, Lex.”
And my heart skips about, just because of a stupid nickname.
“Thank you.”
“Umm… I wanted to talk to you about something.” Clarke says.
I remember.
She’s saved by the waitress, who brings our coffees. Black for me, while Clarke takes it with lots – LOTS – of sugar.
After that, she just keeps staring at the mug in her hands, until I can’t take it anymore.
“Clarke.”
“I'm sorry.”
Yes, we’ve been there already. “Stop apologizing. You just wanted to talk and… you haven’t done that yet.”
“I know.” She sighs and leans back to look at me, eyes blue and deep like a galaxy. “I… I broke up with Finn.”
It takes everything in me, not to choke on my coffee.
What?
“Oh.” Is all I can manage.
I should probably tell her, that I'm sorry, but I’d lie, so…
Clarke nods, still focusing on my face, which kind of makes me uncomfortable. “Months ago. To be exact, I did it the day after the party. After we… kissed.”
Yeah, that is months ago. To be exact, it’s been almost seven months. Seven.
Umm. Why is she telling me that? Now?
“What do you want me to say?”
“Nothing.” She answers, a little cautious. “I want you to listen. I broke up with him, because I didn’t love him. He isn’t the one for me.”
Yeah, I know the feeling.
I busy my hands with taking the cup again, while I wait for her to continue.
“Lex, I-”
And then she gets interrupted by the waitress again.
I focus on eating my pancakes, instead of staring at her all the time, but I can feel her eyes on me.
“Can we talk, when we’ve finished? I… want to do this right.”
Clarke never bothered with being interrupted before, but I nod nevertheless, figuring it wouldn’t be bad to finally know, what she wants to tell me so badly and why that’s making her so damn nervous. “Sure.”
----
Clarke insists on paying for my breakfast as a birthday gift and I stop discussing after my eyes meet hers. They look so… pleading.
Somehow, the tension between us has shifted during the last months.
I know, where I stand – and I've never been more certain about anything. Being close to her is still hard, but it’s although calming. Like she’s the sickness and the medicine, too.
I can’t be friends with her, but at the same time, I cannot not be friends with her.
I smile, while I think about it.
Maybe that’s, what love is. It doesn’t make sense.
It takes a few minutes, after we’ve left the diner, until I notice, that we’re walking to the park.
It’s an early Sunday morning and we come across a few joggers, but it’s still mostly empty. Quiet. Peaceful.
I watch her fidgeting with the hem of her flannel again, while she’s walking beside me, carefully leaving a few inches between us.
Normally, she’d be really close. She’s a touchy person, one, who shows affection, whenever she can.
Silently she motions to a bench and I nod an okay.
“Lex… I’ve been thinking a lot. Like basically all the time.” She finally starts. “At first I wanted to ignore it and I'm really good at ignoring things, you know that.” She chuckles quietly, before she looks serious again. “But… I can’t stop thinking about it.”
About what?
My confused face seems to be enough for her to explain.
“The kiss. I can’t stop thinking about how it felt, when you kissed me. Because it never felt like that with anyone before. And I… I meant it, when I said, that I want you.” She says, sounding desperate, but determined at the same time.
Like the calm after a storm, I think.
Then I realize, what she just said and my head is spinning, as I stare into space, eyes open wide.
Did she just…?
She did, right? I mean, I didn’t imagine it? That’s not a dream?
She turns her head and smiles, when she sees me staring at her, unbelieving. “Yes, Lex. I want you. God, you have no idea how much.” She says, grabbing my hand carefully. “It took me a while to realize, but I know that now. I want you the same way you want me.”
Clarke smiles, drawing soothing circles on the back of my hand, while I try to understand her words. But her gesture makes thinking really hard.
I stare at some trees in the distance.
She wants me?
Clarke wants me? The same way…
What?
Oh my god.
“I thought, we could be friends, like nothing ever happened, when you got over it. And I was angry at you for avoiding me. So damn angry. Because I thought, it was just a crush and that you were acting stupid. I really thought that, Lex, and I'm sorry.” She continues after a few silent moments. “Then you kissed me and I realized, that it wasn’t just a crush. That scared me. It scared the shit out of me, because I liked this kiss. It turned my world upside down.”
I swallow my shock.
Never – in a million years – would I have thought, that she might feel the same.
“I should’ve told you, how I felt, but I panicked. I mean, I… I didn’t expect you to kiss me and to feel like that.” She says, her voice is full of emotions, like they’re battling for dominance. “But when you told me, you loved me, I… I panicked. So I stayed away from you, because I’ve never been into girls like that and you’re my best friend and… I'm not just into you. I… I love you.”
She…
I have to be dreaming.
But if this is a dream, it’s a pretty cruel one.
I look at her face again. Those full lips, which are trying so hard to smile. Those azure blue eyes, which are full of insecurity. Their expression affects her complete face, so she can’t really smile.
“Are you going to say something some time?” She chuckles nervously.
“Umm…”
“Yeah, you have to add some more words to build a sentence.”
“Clarke.” I say, rolling my eyes. But her teasing is working, because my brain is functioning again. “Are you for real? I mean, are you… sure?”
“I just told you, I love you. Of course I'm sure!” She exclaims.
“Really? It’s not just… I don’t know?”
“No, Lex. I. Love. You.” She says, emphasizing every word. “Those last few months without you, I… It’s been hell. I couldn’t focus on anything. I haven’t made a single painting, that didn’t feature your face or your eyes or... So please, tell me, that you’re still feeling the same, because otherwise it would be pretty ironic and I don’t think, I could ever muster the courage again to pour my heart out. You know, it took me weeks to get here and-”
I have to interrupt her rambling, before she changes her mind. “Yes.”
“Yes?” She asks, eyes wide.
“Yes, I still feel the same.”
A bright, bold and beaming smile appears on her face, wiping away all insecurities. “Yes?”
“Clarke. I love you. I-”
And then she interrupts me in the most beautiful way possible – by crashing her lips into mine.
Those perfect lips I dreamt about for so long. Those lips, that taste like coming home and flying at the same time.
And just like that, my heart has healed.