Chapter Text
Through the tears that just wouldn’t stop spilling I tried to speak up but it was so hard when my hair was stuck to my wet face. It was hard to breathe because the hurt I was feeling was because of you. We are on the bed, I can’t stop crying and at the same time, I wanna tell you how I feel, how you made me feel, I can’t breathe, I can hear how I’m trying to inhale the air and I feel lost.
It’s so hard to look into those eyes that I used to love so much, I still love them but they don’t carry the same amount of love for me that they used to. Your eyes seem bleak and lifeless. My sweet was it really so fast that you forgot how it was to love me. You saved me from that cage didn’t you? Wasn’t it you I waited for, for so long?
What has become of us? When did our paths lead astray?
I muster up the strength to hold onto your wrist and I speak up »Please…« a silent, hoarse request is about to leave my mouth and though I feel completely stupid for trying to do it, I must my heart says, he has to hear my plea.
»Please, love me.« Like a small child begging for recognition, begging for something, begging to be loved again. But you evade me, even as I pull on your wrist you look away, as I release your hand you look up – those eyes that followed my every move, followed me as you showed me the gardens, as you watched me eat, as I sang for you, these eyes show nothing – no emotion, just … is it hate?
I think this is what hate looks like.
»My prince.« I stutter out.
A loud sound comes out of your mouth, it is not a cry for help, nor is it a laugh – it sounds crazy and it frightens me, so I instinctively shake. You roll your head back and laugh maniacally, I don’t understand, what is this?
I gave up the security of something know for my prince to lose its mind, for him to be controlled by an evil … person? She ruined you, she ruined us.
When did this all happen?
We were happy.
It wasn’t just you or me - we were US, together. Pieces that were made to be together. Or so I believed.
Then as to wake me from my dreams you shake my shoulders.
»DONT YOU UNDERSTAND? YOUR PRINCE, EVERYTHING IS GONE.THE LOVE, THE SMILES. GONE!«
Then! As you look into my eyes, a glimmer of someone I used to love.
»But I love you« I whisper to him and quickly gaze at his lips, that I used to devour, those lips that left marks everywhere on me that they could. Those sweet lips that spoke nothing but kind words to me, those lips mended all my wounds, those lips made me believe in a better future. In a future where we could be together, a world only for us. Maybe I was foolish to follow you, to believe I could ever be happy. If I only knew why I had to pull everyone into misery and why I had to even live on this world if it meant nothing but heartache. I can be your prince. At times I hear the wizards voice and maybe I am only imagining it, I don’t know anymore.
I feel your forehead on mine, your soft breathe strokes my face … you seem to be in pain.
»Prince..?«
Tears are rolling down your cheeks and you are trying hard not to make a sound.
»Forgive me … I brought you nothing but pain. I cant love you. I am so sorry. I …I can’t control it anymore, I will only hurt you. I can’t love you, all I feel when I look at you is hate, but I don’t want to. I…«
Then you pushed me away and fled through the door. Some clicks – you locking the door and I was alone again.
How long has it been since you visited me, will it once again be weeks when I can see you? Even if you hate me, I rather see you hate me than never to see you again. The fear of being alone is bigger than the fear of dying.
I lay on the bed that is now my home, on my feet are the shackles that bind me to this bed. If it weren’t for the keepers that come and take care of me – probably no one would. I have tried countless times to befriend them but they are always reluctant to talk to me. At times they gaze at me like one would gaze at a fantastical creature. Maybe I was.
He can never love me.
He did what they all do.
Feed me honey like love and capture in their trap like a beast.
This is not the life I longed for.
I longed for love.
I wanted to be loved.
But I am so alone in this world.
Maybe …. it would be better … to perish?
Maybe that way I can …. end it?
Do humans have these thoughts of burning out like a star? Do they crave love like this? Do they hurt and feel like they might grow spectre-thin and someday disappear?
No one can save me now, I never was loved. I was always idolized and turned into what I was not.
I might have even caused them immense pain.
I feel how the tears roll down my cheeks onto my ears, I see the ceiling and I wish I would see my brothers and sisters for one last time.
As I want to wipe my hands I feel something in them … something …a vial in one and a note in the other.
Drink this and join me once more. –W
Is this the only way? Is this how it all ends? Well, my life even if it was short and filled with many, many troubling situations, I hope that … all the ones that were with me experienced some sort of love.
Hopefully my … departure … I have to smile at that word… yes …it is just me…going away …for a while. A very long …while.
My dearest ones that I happen to love and be loved back, how I wish that you may remember me for only a short amount of time, I do not wish for you to feel pain or sorrow. If you must remember me, at least smile. My dear prince, I got to experience what deep love means. I do not think … not even for a bit that our love wasn’t true. Thank you for giving me what no one was able to give me.
I was able to run … as fast as never before, my lungs burned so much, but as I saw your childlike smile I forgot all about the pain. We saw the sea where we experienced many wonderful moments, I am glad … to have been with you. We cooked together and you taught me so many things. Then I was alone for a while, I was usually in the gardens, but I liked waiting for your return. You grew weaker … but you reassured me it was a new medicine she…prepared for you. But steadily you changed, you were angry a lot, you hit me once and twice and …more, but I was used to pain so I forgave you easily. One day locked me up in this room, you started to become mad at me and the world and you let it out on me. Your eyes … were dying and so was my prince.
Many times I’ve tried to bring you back but it never helped….I must be the wrong one for you.
So, my dear, loving prince. Thank you for all the moments, for the love you gave me.
I open the vial and toast to my brothers and sisters, I do not know what will happen with my soul – if I even have one and I am scared, but deep inside of me I am aware that I must go, my time has come. I put the vial near my lips with the last breath I convince myself and drink it all – it has a sweet taste…sweet and slightly bitter – just like my life on this world.
I feel how the world around me grows blurrier, I feel cold … my body feels light and powerless, I must lay down.
This …feels like a dream…a beautiful dream, like I am drowning in the sea, so soft and …painless. Finally, I am free.
I hear something, but its so far away so ..very far away. I try to open my eyes, but it’s so hard, so very hard to focus them on anything, I hear someone, crying. There it is – the source – my mind is so hazy, I can’t remember ….
There he is. The most beautiful being I have seen. He shines, but he is so sad and broken.
He is so sad, so beautiful and so sad, he is crying so much, why?
Don’t cry, don’t cry …all will be fine in the end, I promise. Lovely one, don’t cry.
I try to lift my hand but I can’t, he must have noticed because he pulls it to his cheeks and just cries on, then I hear him speak up
»What did you do, foolish princess…why…It’s all my fault,, isn’t it. Oh, don’t, don’t don’t please don’t leave me, you are all I had left, please not you, take me instead, but don’t leave me. Please! I beg you. Don’t….don’t you dare die, don’t you dare leave me alone…please.«
Oh, it’s … you, the one I love so much.
»I … love« and then it all ends, I feel being pulled away, a force so strong pulls me from him, my consciousness is leaving me…No! NO! Not yet let me tell him, let me tell him how I feel. He has to know. He must know that I loved him. But it’s far to late …
PLEASE! LET ME TELL HIM HOW I FEEL!
A bright light envelopes me.
“Choose your words wisely.”
For a moment time goes still, there is just me and him and I am strong, I can say what I wanna say.
I cup his cheek and he looks at me, with those sad eyes and I try to smile to reassure him, but it’s hard so we both cry, but at least I can go with letting him know »Darling, I love …you…«
I utter those last three words, the last thing remaining from me in this world, in his heart.
Farewell, my prince.