Chapter Text
Alec groaned and stretched his neck forward and back, feeling the ache at the base of his neck. Purposely letting Kyle land him on his ass at least a hundred times was not fun in any dimension - and it hurt like a bitch . He’d been in a bad mood since his physical training yesterday, but today he was too sore. It was irritating to constantly fight against his instincts and force himself to get knocked down, but at least Alec had finally gotten the sequence down.
He was Alec Lightwood, he could do anything he put his mind to.
He adjusted his aching, tired body in his chair and leaned back, waiting for Julia and Stephanie to arrive and “turn him into Alec Lightwood”. As terrifying and aggravating as this whole situation was, he was slowly feeling better about the whole thing. He still desperately wanted to go home and missed his own universe terribly, but he wasn’t afraid and angry all the time.
I can do this. I can pull it off and soon enough, I’ll be home and Matthew Daddario will be back to pretending to be me, Alec thought confidently. He glanced back at Esther as she casually scrolled through her phone, looking up at him occasionally. He caught her eye in the mirror and grinned lazily. Esther had quickly become a good friend and Alec trusted her already.
“What’s with that goofy grin on your face, Lightwood?” Esther asked, leaning back on the couch.
“He’s not a Lightwood yet!” a cheery voice called out as the door opened to reveal Julia’s high bun and Stephanie’s knotted curls. Alec cringed a bit on the inside, but pasted a broad smile on his face, trying not to let his discomfort show at that statement. Esther had frozen in shock at first, but she quickly recovered and was chuckling - albeit, a bit awkwardly - with the other two ladies.
Alec gazed into his own eyes, blank expression staring back at him in the mirror. The world outside of his cluttered thoughts continued on. A woman with fair hair and tanned skin ran her fingers through his messy hair, applying product over his dark strands. Esther watched him closely from behind, fingers wrapped tightly around her phone, but her eyes were fixed on his sulking frame. She was worried about him, he could tell. Everything from the way she bit her bottom lip to her subconsciously bouncing leg told Alec that she already knew he was slowly losing it.
He missed home, but home was far away. Here he was stuck in a world flooded with mundanes and he was ordinary and useless. He was a warrior being put through a war he wasn’t trained for. Pretending to be someone he was not was getting exhausting by the minute. It all seemed so simple: play the part, read the lines, convince your “friends”, but Alec was reaching his wit’s end.
I am ‘Matthew Daddario’ , Alec thought bitterly.
No.
He was, and always would be, Alec Lightwood.
“Almost done here, darlin’, and then we can send you on your way!” smiled the fair-haired woman - Ashley? Julie? He didn’t know her name. He was too upset to remember it.
Alec thought of his family. Did they miss him? Of course, they did. Stop being stupid, he had to scold himself. They were most likely just as frustrated. Being stuck with a mundane version of himself didn’t sound very pleasing. Jace was probably balding from the stress as we speak.
Magnus might find the situation amusing… Alec thought about the warlock’s mischievous tendencies and wondered if Magnus was finding the whole situation a bit too amusing.
Alec sighed and closed his eyes. Alec loved Magnus and...Magnus loved him. They’d never actually said the words out loud to each other, but Alec knew that the bond they shared was special. He couldn’t let irrational thoughts and unnecessary jealousy over… his mundane doppelganger… get him down or get him to lose trust his boyfriend.
In all honestly, Magnus could very well be finding this whole situation agonizing, more so that Alec was. Alec didn’t know, but he hoped Magnus was okay. He hoped he wasn’t beating himself up over this, it wasn’t his fault. Alec loved him more than life, and it hurt thinking that Magnus - The High Warlock of Brooklyn - could be losing sleep and burning energy all over him.
“Powder his nose for me Stephanie? He’s sweating quite a bit today. Coming down with something, Daddario? You’re clammy as hell.” Julie/Ashley observed, moving out of the way for the makeup artist to do her thing.
I’m sad. I’m homesick. I miss my family.
“Me? Nah. Just low on caffeine! My body hates me right now, I need energy.” he replied, a laugh escaping his lips. Alec smiled brightly at her - which seemed to be infectious - she smiled back and continued perfecting his hair.
“Odd, you never go without your morning shots of espresso. Turning into Alec Lightwood, ay there bud?” She joked, wiping her product-coated fingers on a nearby towel.
Alec caught eyes with his reflection again, swallowing back the urge to scream.
“You have no idea.”
“That wasn’t so bad, right? You’re getting the hang of it.” Esther linked her arm through Alec’s as they made their way off-set. Alec grunted in response and sighed a little as she lightly guided him towards his trailer and continued praising him for his convincible portrayal.
Alec was barely listening.
“I mean, obviously you would know how to play yourself. I shouldn’t have doubted that, but you’re a Shadowhunter, not an actor! I’m genuinely impressed Alec, good job.” She was rambling, either to fill the silence or simply to make conversation.
Alec sighed under his breath and turned to Esther with his lips pressed into a tight grin. He didn’t want to come off as a downer. Admittedly, yesterday hadn’t been bad. It actually went over really well and he had fun. He bonded well with his castmates, and he was doing a pretty good job. Hell, if he wasn’t a Shadowhunter in his universe, maybe he’d have ended up in show business.
Still, every second he was away from his family sent a bone chilling spike of fear down his spine. What if he wouldn’t make it home? What if he was trapped? Alec felt guilty every time he laughed or smiled because his happiness was a painful reminder that his loved ones were suffering at home, missing him and probably going through a shit ton of problems with a mundane in the Institute. Alec was constantly torn because every time he relaxed, the guilt flooded in and sent him back into his anxiety. It was like this universe was created to mentally exhaust and torment him.
He needed a moment to himself.
“Thank you.” he breathed out, attempting to put some warmth in his voice. “I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. I just need a minute, is that okay? I’ll be in Matt’s trailer.” he said quickly, pulling away from Esther’s grip.
Esther called out to him, worry evident in her tone. He heard her running after him, but his long legs thankfully carried him to the safety of the trailer. He locked the door, and sighed. Maybe he was being childish, sue him. Today wasn’t a good day and Alec was upset. He had the right to be.
He slid down against the door of the trailer and attempted to control his heavy breathing. Thankfully, he wasn’t having a panic attack. Alec knew it wasn’t something he could control, but he always felt weak and pathetic after he’d calmed down. He hated that feeling.
The entire situation was crazy - he was in another universe but he still saw the faces of his sister, his parabatai, and the love of his life. Alec’s heart grew heavier every second he spent thinking about it. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw his sister’s face staring back at him. He cursed this stupid spell for taking him away from his sister when she needed him the most. He couldn’t stop thinking about how much he needed to be home right now.
The sadness gave way to fierce frustration and anger. Alec wanted to scream, shout, shoot arrows into the wind, and jump off a building, but there wasn’t much he could do as mundane Matthew Daddario in his trailer. So instead, Alec’s lip trembled as he gritted his teeth and blinked back tears. The dam was about to break. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and swallowed down the knot in his throat. You’re okay, you’re okay.
A tear slipped down his cheek and a quiet sob escaped his lips. There was no holding back now, he needed to let everything out. Alec finally allowed himself to release the tears that burned his eyes, and cried.
He cried for his family. He cried for his sister. He cried for his boyfriend and the fear that he’d never see anyone he loved again.
Alec hugged himself tightly, and closed his eyes. Maybe sleep would give him peace.
A loud, banging sound woke Alec from his fitful sleep curled up on the floor. His neck hurt from craning forward, but his chest felt a bit lighter and he could breathe a little better. Alec got up silently, ignoring the sound at the door, and laid down gingerly on his couch, stretching out his limbs. Alec closed his eyes again, breathing in the scent of the plastic wood flooring and cheap interior surrounding him.
“Matt! Don’t make me bust down this door. I’ll get a hammer, man.” a familiar voice floated in through the closed door. It almost sounded like Magnus, but not quite. It didn’t share the same warmth and musicality of the wonderful Magnus Bane.
Harry.
“I’m sick, leave me to die.” he groaned out, gritting his teeth.
He heard a chuckle from the other side of the door and swung his legs off the couch, lifting himself into a sitting position.
“Daddario, don’t tell me you forgot about our deal? I’m hurt. You’re the worst Parabatri, Harry and I were counting on you buddy!” Alec heard Isaiah join in.
Parabatri?
He didn’t want to know.
Alec rubbed his face with both hands, and sighed. He ran his fingers through his messy hair, scrunching up his nose at the unfamiliar feeling of product on his head. “What deal? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he replied, rubbing his fingers together and feeling the product stick them together.
Alec heard the two men laugh and whisper amongst themselves and looked at the closed door in irritation.
He didn’t want this, not today. He just wanted to be left alone to wallow in his own self pity. Of course he couldn’t let anyone know that’s what he was doing.
Alec sighed. Clearly these two men weren’t going to leave him to his wallowing.
“We brought the fish and we got all the ingredients. Daddario, this cookoff is happening whether you like it or not. You can’t get out of this one, no sir. Get off google and stop hermitting in your trailer. This war has begun!” Isaiah’s voice boomed dramatically. Harry laughed joyfully, and proceeded to bang on the door again.
“Wakey wakey! We got fish to bakey. Open the door!”
Alec licked his lips, and immediately stood up from his spot. “Yeah, okay. Give me a minute.” he managed to say without his voice cracking. He waited to hear their responses, and after receiving a playful ‘whatever’ and sarcastic ‘take your time’, Alec stumbled into the tiny bathroom to wash his face.
He looked a mess. His hair was sticking up in every direction, and his eyes were bloodshot. The bags under his eyes were definitely prominent, and showcased the tiredness he truly felt. They would notice he wasn’t okay. Anyone with eyes could clearly see that he wasn’t happy.
A ghost stared back at Alec in the mirror, a reminder of everything that’s been crashing around him. He was actually foolish enough to believe he could get through this without breaking. He thought he could handle this, make everyone proud. Alec was wrong.
Splashing water in his face, and ridding his eyes of crusted tears, Alec took a deep breath to pull himself together.
Emotions cloud your judgement.
He hated going back to that mindframe, but in this case, it was true. He couldn’t get through this without blocking everything in the back of his mind. Everything hurt.
Another loud knock at the door pulled him out of his never ending sea of dark thoughts and self pity.
“Matt! Come on man.” Harry said with a laugh.
Alec puffed out his cheeks, and turned the faucet off. “Yeah, I’m coming!” he shouted back, adding a tiny bit of laughter in his voice. It’s just acting, you can do this.
Alec stepped out of the bathroom, not even bothering to change out of ‘Alec Lightwood’ attire. He was allowed to be lazy. Alec was sure Matt had those days too, he was technically just another version of himself, right? Fuck it.
Opening the door, Alec spotted Harry leaning against the wall of the trailer smirking.
Isaiah was on the ground, back muscles constricting with every heave of his breath. Was he... doing pushups? What the fuck.
Alec slowly stepped down, eyeing Isaiah in confusion. “What are you doing?” he questioned, stealing a glance at Harry, who was too busy trying to not to laugh to acknowledge Alec’s staring.
He laughs a lot , Alec thought. It’s nice. He wished Magnus would laugh more, it's a rare thing, but beautiful. He cherished the sound.
Isaiah toppled over, breathing hard. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and stared Alec down with an offended, yet playful, expression.
“Finally!” he all but groaned. Isaiah pulled himself up off the ground and stretched his back. “I thought you’d never come out Daddario, Harry had me down on the ground until you came out. I’ve definitely had my workout for the week.” he chuckled, reaching towards Harry for his discarded water bottle.
Alec watched him drink the entire thing in one massive gulp and toss the bottle like a basketball into a nearby trash can.
“I’m sorry guys, I’m not really feeling myself today. What exactly are we doing?”
Harry gave him a look that clearly said ‘are you serious?’ while Isaiah groaned again. Alec bit the inside of his cheek, waiting for a response or explanation, but instead, he got a hard slap on the shoulder from Isaiah. “Are you kidding me right now? You planned this! Are you okay man?” Isaiah asked in a softer tone.
Alec’s blood ran cold.
Matthew Daddario was a difficult man to impersonate on a good day, and this was not that great a day to begin with. Alec felt the heat in that moment. He stared blankly into Isaiah's eyes, unable to form proper words. Of course, now would be the time that his lack of communication skills decided to bite him in the ass.
“I - I’m fine. I’m good.” he finally says. “Let’s um, get started.”
Harry arched his brow and looked between the two men. “Matt, buddy, are you letting Alec’s emo tendencies get to you?” he asked, playfully but with a cautious edge to his voice.
Alec’s brows furrowed of their own accord and his mouth fell open in disdain - and maybe a bit in denial, but who really needed to know that ? More importantly, Alec turned his shock onto Harry. How dare he??
“What?! Of course not. Alec’s not emo, he’s just - he’s got - .. He has problems, okay? He can’t help it.” he defended, scowling at the actors in front of him.
Isaiah shot him a strange look, one eyebrow raised suspiciously. He shrugged casually and held up him hands in mock surrender. “Relax buddy, we’re just messing around. But hey, seriously, if this isn’t a good time or if you’ve got something on your mind, we can save the cook-off for another day and just grab a coffee or something. You know, talk it out or not talk it out.” Isaiah said. Harry nodded in agreement and patted Alec’s shoulder comfortingly.
“Thanks, guys.” Alec rolled his shoulders and shot a half-smile at them. “I really appreciate it. Honestly, I’m not totally feeling up to it today. It’s just one of those days, you know? Just…. Ah.” Words failed him, but the sentiment was received loud and clear. Understanding dawned on both Harry and Isaiah’s faces.
“Yeah, I hear you. No worries, Matt.” Harry smiled lazily.
“Definitely. But hey, do you have any more scenes to shoot today?” Isaiah asked curiously.
Alec checked the schedule Esther had given him this morning. “Um, I have one in a few hours, we’re scheduled to start shooting at 5 PM.” Alec pulled out his - Matt’s - phone. “It’s 1:47 now. Did you guys want to do something or…?”
“Hell yeah, we can grab a coffee, run lines, sit around and gossip like real men, you know?” Harry joked, winking and sending Isaiah into chuckles and even pulling a grin out of Alec.
“Usual spot?” Isaiah called, already walking ahead towards the production site.
“Sure…” Alec responded, blindly following the man.
The usual spot turned out to be a small break room with one table, a coffee machine, and a vending machine with extremely limited options. The table was circular and placed in the middle of the room, but the chairs were scattered weirdly around the room, not even close to the table. Alec watched as Isaiah and Harry grabbed some coffee and - to his utter surprise - opened the vending machine and grabbed some snacks. They each settled in cozy looking chairs and glanced at Alec, who hadn’t moved since stepping into the room.
“A broken vending machine that they keep forgetting to fix is probably my favorite part of being on set. Mainly because they leave it open and keep forgetting to lock it.” Harry said as he ripped open a bag of Chex Mix.
“Couldn’t agree more, brother. I’ve developed quite a taste for these cheddar and cheese sandwich crackers. Can you believe I used to hate them?” Isaiah chortled.
Harry and Isaiah continued a conversation, bantering back and forth about their days while glancing at Alec every couple moments.
Alec casually began to copy their movements, pouring himself a cup of coffee and turning to stand in front of the vending machine. He looked through the options for a minute, scouring through the fruit snacks and various different flavors of Combos, finally settling on the Combos. He jimmied open the vending machine, grabbed the Pizzeria Pretzel flavor, and sat down in the last remaining chair, hyper-aware of eyes on him the entire time.
“...she kept singing that one line and I genuinely thought I was going to go crazy, man. I still can’t place it, but you know that when you hear one line and the song is right on the tip of your tongue but you can’t place it? I just needed to hear the next line and she couldn’t remember it either, so she kept singing that one line and the song bothered me so much I couldn’t hold focus for the next scene!” Harry exclaimed.
“Hastings must’ve gotten a kick out of that! What did you do?” Isaiah asked eagerly, leaning forward with a chuckle.
“What could I do? The fifth time the director called ‘CUT’, I asked everyone on set what the song was.”
“No,” Isaiah’s eyes widened, eyebrows shooting up. “No, you did not stop shooting just to figure out what song Em was singing today.”
“Damn straight!” Harry laughed, and even Alec was laughing now. He didn’t really understand what was going on in the story, but the incredulity behind it was amusing. Harry was a great story-teller and him and Isaiah together were quite a pair. It was hard to be in the same room and not collapse into giggles along with these two grown men.
“So, I get Emeraude to come up and sing that one damn line.” Emeraude - Izzy’s actress , Alec realized, and a smile spread over his face because he knew that if Emeraude was anything like his sister, she couldn’t sing for shit. “And she won’t sing it because I called her out. After I begged and convinced her to start singing, she sings ‘forever’s gonna start tonight, once upon a time there was love in my life… la la la la something… the dark… I don’t even know, but it started bothering everyone because no one could remember it. So we all took an actual break from shooting trying to figure out what song that was.” Harry ran his hands over his face. “Ugh, I’d never wished for the pro-Googler more in my life , man. Matt, where are you when I need you?” Harry was still chuckling.
“Seriously, Matt. Your Googling can save lives , hero. Much more than your archery, that’s for sure.” Isaiah joined in.
“It can save everything, just not Harry’s sanity.” Alec grinned, winking at the limber dancer. The three of them broke out in peals of laughter and Alec felt at ease, finally.
These men are good people , Alec realized, watching the two men in front of him bantering and teasing each other relentlessly. He sighed and took a long sip of his coffee as Harry and Isaiah finished warring with their words. As the laughing wound down, Isaiah turned to Alec with a critical eye.
“So buddy, we’re not prying, but how are things going with you? You feeling okay? You’ve been a little weird lately.” Isaiah said carefully and Harry nodded along.
“Matt, more than just castmates, we consider you a really close friend, extremely important to both of us.” Harry gestured between the two of them and turned to face Alec again. “If there’s anything going on, we’ve got your back, man. Seriously. Anything.”
Alec opened his mouth to brush them off but something nagged at him.
“I’m fine, guys-” he started.
“Bullshit.” Isaiah cut him off. “Listen brother, if it’s not something you want to share, I completely understand. Just let us know if something’s going on though. At least we can keep an eye out for you and help you if we can. Remember that deal? We’d watch out for each other on set and make sure no one burns out. No matter what.”
Alec didn’t know what to say. So he decided he should tell as much of the truth as he could.
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Alec ran his hands over his face and rested his elbows on his knees, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes. “It’s been weird. Really weird. Things are just… weird. I don’t even know what to say other than I haven’t felt like myself in a few days and I don’t really know what to do about it.” Alec mumbled, a part of him hoping they could hear him and another part hoping desperately that they didn’t.
They heard.
Alec heard footsteps shuffling towards him and felt two hands - one squeezing his shoulder and the other patting his back. He looked up to see both Harry and Isaiah perched on either arm of his chair, trying to offer their support any way they could.
“Sometimes, man, I wake up and I sit in bed and wish I was someone else. I wonder how frickin’ amazing it would be to actually be someone like Magnus Bane or even fucking Bruno Mars. How nice it would be to just take a break from my life and live someone else’s. To be able to do more than I can do right now or to just be in a different situation.” Harry gazed blankly at a spot in the carpet. “Sometimes, all you can do is remind yourself of how lucky we are, how blessed. Just take a look around at how much we have, the people who love and look up to us, the friends, family, and the relationships we nurture. At the end of the day, that’s what’s worth it.” Harry’s gaze turned to Alec and he gave him a tight-lipped smile.
“Yeah, Matt, buddy, sometimes we just gotta push through. Hold your head high and just take each day for what it is - another experience or adventure or lesson just waiting to happen. We can’t really control what happens to us, but we can control how we deal with it, how we approach it, and how we let it affect us.” Isaiah moved his hand up to ruffle Alec’s hair and glided back to his chair, sitting forward to stare intently at Alec, eyes sympathetic and understanding.
“Just keep hanging on and lean on us - or Esther, or your family, or any of the cast and crew, really. We all love you, Matt. You’re an important part of this little family. Just lean on us… “ Harry smirked and looked at Isaiah, raising his eyebrows - are you in? “Lean on me, when you’re not strong…” Harry sang loudly.
“I’ll be your strength, I’ll help you carry on!” Isaiah joined in.
Alec didn’t know the song, but he enjoyed watching the two men sing a song about friendship and hope. It was refreshing. Even though their advice, love, and support was for Matthew Daddario, it was nice to feel the kinship Matt had with these men - his friends. It was powerful and it made Alec immediately feel more comfortable.
Something unwound in Alec, a tightly coiled spring of anxiety that he didn’t realize he was clinging to. Even if these faces didn’t have his loved ones behind them, they had some pretty great people behind them either way. Behind Isaiah’s fun, easy-going demeanor, there was a calmness, a seriousness, and better yet, a kindness that helped Alec feel grounded. Harry, on the other hand, was harder to accept, but while the musicality and grace of Magnus remained, Harry had such a boyish, reckless charm that made him seem like a really good friend and a great wingman. Between his random breakouts of dancing to his cheesy jokes and dry wit, Harry didn’t carry the mystery and intrigue of Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn. Instead, Harry’s face had hilarity, humor, and all-around good times written all over it. Alec felt himself loosen up as these key differences finally registered for him.
He grinned again and joined the simple, off-key chorus, laughing when their little choral ensemble fell apart as quickly as it had begun. Sipping their coffees and chatting about their mundane lives was becoming more and more appealing for Alec. The normalcy was surprisingly grounding. He admired the friendship between the men - it reminded Alec of him and Jace and their strong parabatai bond.
Hmm… parabaTRI. Parabatri. I get it, now, Alec thought to himself.