Chapter Text
Magnus couldn’t remember the last time he was in so much pain. There had been a time where he had to deal with a hangover on top of complete magic depletion. That had been painful. But this was much more than that.
There was fire raining down his back till the tips of his fingers. It was excruciating and unending. He couldn’t make his mind work for even a moment to remember why he was going through this. It was all very disorienting.
Magnus would have been completely lost in the pain and the darkness if not for the steady reassuring presence beside him. There was no way he would not recognize Alec’s voice and his soft touches.
“It’s okay, love. I am here. Don’t fight it. Cat’s trying to help you.”
It was always there. Whenever the pain got too much to bear. Whenever he was too tired to fight. It was the only constant in the dark.
“I know it hurts. I know. Just a little longer. It will be over soon, Magnus.”
It was strong and steady but there were moments where it cracked and begged and it was the hardest because there was nothing Magnus could do except keep fighting.
“Pl-please Magnus…I don’t know what I would do without you. I need you so much.”
“Hold on for me. Please hold on.”
And so Magnus did.
Alec couldn’t remember a time when he was this exhausted. It wasn’t just the bone deep weariness that came with no sleep and no food for two days straight. It was the mental exhaustion of constantly thinking and pleading and imagining a world without Magnus.
He was at his wits end by the time Catarina finally deemed Magnus out of danger and on the mend. He had almost collapsed right then and there when he heard the words. It wasn’t anywhere near what he wanted-he wanted Magnus to wake up and smile at him- but it was something after almost two days of nothing.
When Catarina had first laid eyes on the bloody mess that was her best friend, she had been shaken. It wasn’t the worse she had seen him but it was enough to make her believe for a second that this was it. This was the end of the line for him. But she had taken one look at Alec clinging desperately at him and her own despair at the thought of losing her one true friend and she had gotten to work.
It had taken two days of mundane technology, magical depletion and four near misses before she had finally announced with some confidence that he was going to be fine.
“His magical reserves are close to none.” Catarina had said tiredly. “I gave him a potion to help with that but it’s going to take a few hours for him to be strong enough to wake up.”
“But he will be okay?”
“Yes. Just give him time. You should get some rest too. I have absolutely no strength to deal with another careless patient.”
“I will. Thank you, Cat.”
“Take care of him, Alec.”
It had been a few hours since she left and Alec was lying awake beside Magnus on their bed. He was exhausted but still he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. Closing his eyes meant reliving all that had happened. He had rather stay awake and wait for Magnus.
Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait too long.
Alec had been resting his eyes for a few minutes when he felt a tingle in his palm. It was Magnus’ fingers brushing him where he had lightly entwined them. With a start, Alec was awake and leaning over him. He couldn’t help the small sound of pleasure as he saw Magnus’ eyelids flutter a bit before slowly opening to display his foggy yellow cat eyes.
“Hey..” Alec whispered, gently cupping his cheek.
“Al-Alec?” Magnus’ voice was low and rough as his disoriented gaze settled on him.
“It’s me.” Alec said in a reassuring tone. “You are okay. You are home.”
“What happened..?” Magnus asked, shifting a bit and immediately wincing in pain.
“Shh don’t move.” Alec said quickly, gently holding him down. “You were injured in an attack. But you are fine now. You just need to rest.”
“Wh-what?” Magnus frowned, his brows drawn together in confusion and discomfort. Until after a moment, when his eyes widened in surprise and remembrance. “Institute. I was…a shadowhunter?”
Alec bit his lip. “Yeah. One of…my shadowhunters cornered you in an abandoned basement and stabbed you with a seraph blade. You knocked him out but almost bled out in there. Catarina saved you.”
“Seraph blade?” Magnus continued roughly. His face was still twisted in pain. “There was just one sh-shadowhunter?”
“Yeah. He made some kind of a trigger mechanism on the far wall. We couldn’t piece it together since I am guessing your magic destroyed it.”
“Th-thought there was someone else in there.” Magnus murmured. “Feels a futile use of my magic. Should have aimed it at him.”
Alec caressed his cheek. “You defended yourself the only way you could. You didn’t stand a chance against that back stabbing bastard.”
Magnus started to say something but was cut off with a cough. Alec immediately sprang towards the side of the bed and brought a glass of water. “Here. Slow sips.” He instructed as he held the glass tightly against his lips.
“Th-thank you.” Magnus whispered after he had a few sips.
“You should rest.” Alec said quietly. “You are still very weak.”
“Te-tell me-“
“We will talk more later, okay?” Alec cut in. “Right now, you need to rest and recover. Please Magnus.” He added a tone of pleading which he knew will work.
Magnus let out a shuddering breath. “Okay, Alexander…” he said, already closing his eyes.
Alec dropped a soft kiss on his forehead. “Rest well. I am right here. You are going to be okay.”
Magnus could hear Alec hovering outside the bathroom door and judging by the pacing he was getting a little impatient. It was a minute past what he had agreed to let him be inside and Magnus didn’t doubt that he would break the door down if he didn’t come out soon.
It would be an understatement to say that Alec was a little on edge and a bit more over protective since he had woken up two days ago. He had spent most of his time in bed, his body too worn out from the injury and low magic reserves. Catarina’s potion had helped but it had been excruciatingly slow to even get his strength and magic to half of what it was. Even now, he could feel his strength waning and the urgent need to sit down somewhere and drift off to sleep.
Alec’s worry was completely justified. And any other time he would have taken total advantage of it. But ever since he had woken up, his mind had been plagued by what had happened. He wasn’t particularly bothered by the attack. Almost dying at the hands of a hateful shadowhunter wasn’t new for him. But what he absolutely couldn’t get out of his head were the words. The scornful words that had been thrown at him, the only things that had a modicum of truth to them.
Someone who he can be with without having to constantly fight everyone on it. What can you even give him, demon? He can’t run his Institute properly, he can’t marry, he can’t have kids.”
Magnus hated the words. He hated the effect it had on him. He hated how true they were.
“Magnus? Are you okay? Should I come in?”
All he wanted was to fall in Alec’s arms and let him take care of him. Let him soothe him with his soft words and gentle touch.
“Magnus, I am coming in.”
But Magnus couldn’t do it. He couldn’t be selfish.
“Magnus!”
Magnus was harshly jerked out of his thoughts by the sound of the door banging. He heard Alec’s loud voice which was now tinged with familiar panic and worry. Hastily he walked towards the door and said,
“I am okay, Alec.”
“Please let me come in and help you.”
Magnus closed his eyes and tiredly leaned his head against the door. He wanted nothing more than to open the door and let him in. Instead he took a deep breath and said as firmly as he could,
“I said I am fine. Go away, Alec.”
There was a beat of silence on the other side and Magnus half expected the door to break in.
“Okay…Take your time okay? I will be right here if you need me.”
Magnus just about resisted the urge to cry as his heart broke into more little pieces.
“What are you doing here?” Isabelle asked, her face set in slight confusion as she saw her brother walking down the Institute hallway. “Aren’t you supposed to be home?”
Yes, but Magnus doesn’t want to see me or talk to me or have to do anything with me, Alec thought bitterly but he didn’t say any of it out loud. He couldn’t even think about it at the moment. “I am here to deal with him.” he said instead, keeping his voice low and clipped.
“We still have all of it under control, you know that. You should be with Magnus.” Izzy said earnestly.
“Don’t you think I know that?” Alec snapped at her. “He needs some time to himself and I need to do my job here.”
Alec saw the surprise in her eyes and the burning questions she wanted to ask but something in his demeanor warned her against it. Instead she simply said, “Okay. He’s in the holding cell, just like you ordered. He sustained a back injury that’s not completely going to heal, he can never fight again.”
“Okay.” Alec said without any further comment. “What’s the word going around?”
“Everyone knows exactly what happened. There has been no resistance or support for or against him. As a matter of fact, there were a few displays of…anger against him for what he did. And no, it didn’t come from me, Jace or Clary.”
“Is that supposed to be good news?” Alec asked roughly. “Cause all it takes is one person. Only one and it’s all ruined.” His voice was starting to break. It was threatening to come out again.
“Alec-“
“I have to go.” He cut in shortly and started walking away before his sister could stop him.
The walk to the holding cell cleared his mind enough to just focus on one thing. His anger and retribution. It had been simmering under the surface since it had all started but there had been no time or chance to work on it because he had more important matters to deal it. Like taking care of Magnus and being there for him. That one wasn’t working out that great so he might as well get this thing over with. Anger was easy to deal with. It gave him something to target all of his worry, misery and frustration of the last couple of days.
It felt invigorating to feel the anger resting just under his skin as he looked upon the figure lying silently on the cot in the holding cell. He desperately wished he could do what he really wanted to do. But that kind of violence and malice had no place in here. He just had to express his disapproval as the head of institute in some other way. He thumbed at the buttons on the control panel to switch the cameras and the sound off and finally the one to enter it.
Colin McGrave immediately stirred at the whooshing sound of the door opening and opened his eyes to set his blurry gaze on the cold statue of Alec Lightwood. Now he knew Alec wasn’t a man of many expressions, his smiles were rare at best. But he had never before seen that kind of a storm and at the same time a calm anger on him. It made him recall a similar situation he was in a few days ago. A gaze as malicious as this directed at him before he had felt an excruciating pain and slipped in the darkness. This time he doubted there was going to be any peaceful darkness to slip into.
“Mr. Li-Lightwood.” Colin tried to appear normal but his voice and his face betrayed the emotion he felt.
“Stand up.” Alec said, his voice clipped and cold.
Colin swallowed. His back was injured to the point that there wasn’t a lot he could do besides lying down and shuffling around. “I-I can’t-“
“Now.”
Colin could feel sweat dripping down his useless back and he resisted the urge to cry. He looked for some warmth in that face he liked so much but there was none to be found. He gritted his teeth and pressed his hands into the cot to lift himself up. The constant pain flared dangerously as he started to stand. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t- he was only halfway up when the pain got to be too much and he lost his balance. He braced himself for the impact but it didn’t come. Instead he felt a strong grip on his arms stopping the fall.
Colin only had a moment to feel the bloom of relief and utter happiness as he felt the touch he had longed to feel for as long as he could think. Maybe Alec wasn’t really angry. Maybe he was secretly glad and now he was going to help him and thank him-
His euphoria came into a sudden pain blinding halt as the tight grip slammed him hard against the wall behind him. Colin was pretty sure he passed out for a brief moment from the immeasurable pain that ran over his entire body. He might have screamed, he might have cried he wasn’t sure of anything except the pain and the loud presence in front of him.
Colin had dreamed of being this close to Alec, dreamed of feeling this touch. But the sneering face in front of him, the biting grip into his already pain ravaged body, it was worse than his most painful nightmares.
“Look at me.” The voice thundered from front of him. Colin was still seeing stars but the undeniable strength in the voice demanded his complete obedience. He opened his eyes and through a blur saw the angry face mere inches from him.
Get me out of here now and I will make sure Alec doesn’t kill you on the spot.
Bane had been right. This was the face of the man who truly wanted to kill him.
“pl-please.” He whispered. He didn’t know what he was pleading for exactly.
“How dare you even think of going near him?” Alec’s voice was filled with so much anger and hate. “The pain you are feeling right now…it’s nothing compared to what I want to do to you. It’s not even half of what Magnus felt after you cornered him and stabbed him in the back like the fucking coward you are.”
Colin couldn’t breathe around the pain he was feeling. “No-please...I was…my job! I-ah!” he screamed as he was banged against the wall again.
“You job is to protect!” Alec bit out, clenching his hands around him arms.
“Bane..he-“
“Don’t even say his name. I swear to the angel I will kill you with my bare hands if you even think about him.” Alec promised dangerously. “Killing you now would be mercy. I want you to suffer for the rest of your miserable life. You are not worthy of dying a shadowhunter. I am going to de-rune you myself and watch as the demons you are so fond of back stabbing come after you and kill you as you lie on the ground helpless.”
“No-no…” Colin was crying now. He couldn’t help it. This was so much worse than he had ever thought. “N-no..”
“This is not me as the Head of the Institute.” He continued sharply. “You made the biggest mistake of your life by coming after what’s mine. No one gets to hurt him and get away with it.”
“I a-am so-sorry. Sor-sorry.”
“It’s too late for that. You are done.”
Colin fell in a boneless heap on the floor as the grip around his arms disappeared. The pain from the impact was lost in the horde of misery and tears. He lay helpless and broken, unable to do anything but see the angry cold face and the words that would haunt him forever till he died a gruesome death.
“I am going to keep you in the Institute. Right under my eyes.” Alec’s voice was farther away now but maybe he was just finally drifting off to the darkness now. “…others will look at you and see what happens to those who go after the people I love. They will see.”
Colin curled in on himself. He just wanted to die. He didn’t want to hear any more of this. He couldn’t.
But that choice wasn’t his anymore. He signed his life over when he decided to go after Magnus Bane. He had been ready to face the wrath of the warlock. He had anticipated that. But nothing could have prepared him to face the vengeful wrath of Alec Lightwood. This side of him that came out when someone went after the people he loved.
Colin made the biggest mistake of his life. And now he was going to suffer for it.
“Is he alive?” Izzy asked seriously.
“Yes.” Alec replied shortly, leaning tiredly against the pillar behind him. His hands were still itching to do some serious damage.
“Alec?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s wrong? Is something wrong with Magnus?” She asked earnestly.
Alec sighed, closing his eyes. “He has recovered well.”
“I am guessing that’s not the problem here.” Izzy said lightly. “Look, you don’t have to tell me anything. But I am worried about what the two of you are going through.”
“Magnus won’t talk to me. He wants nothing to do with me.” Alec said quietly.
Izzy frowned. “That’s not true. He loves you, Alec.”
Alec sniffed. “I am not sure anymore.”
“Oh Alec..” Izzy said softly. She put a comforting hand on his arm. “You need to talk to him. Hiding out here is not going to help.”
“He doesn’t even want to see me, Iz.” Alec said miserably.
“Are you just going to give up then?” Izzy challenged.
“No!” Alec shook his head. “I love him. I can’t…can’t give up on us. But..I know the reason why he’s staying away from me. There is not a damn thing I can do to help.”
“This is more than you can handle on your own. You need to talk to him before things get out of control.”
“I have tried.”
“Make him listen. Magnus is going through some tough times. You know it better than anyone else. Just…don’t let whatever it is ruin what you two have.”
Alec looked at her and saw the truth and compassion shining in her eyes. “I am scared. I am scared of losing him.”
Izzy gently cupped his cheek. “If you do nothing, you will lose him.”
“I can’t let that happen.”
“Then go fix this. You know how to do that.”
Alec let out a breath. “Yeah. I know.”
Magnus downed his drink in one gulp and relished the burn down his throat. It was stronger than what was allowed in his state but no one needed to know that. It wasn’t like Alec was here to reprimand him. Magnus had been successful in driving him away for a day at least. The drink was more for mourning than celebrating.
Magnus snapped his fingers and a small flame of bright orange light emerged, waving around his hand. His magic was still not a hundred percent but he was getting there. Recovering from a seraph blade wound took infinitely longer than if he had been run through with a giant sword. He worked around with his magic, wanting to focus his depressing thoughts onto something that will make him feel a little better. He was so into it that he didn’t realize someone had joined him in the balcony until he felt something dropping on to his shoulders.
Magnus jerked reflexively, his heart jumping out of his chest. His gaze quickly landed on the figure standing beside him with his hands held up in supplication.
“It’s just me.” Alec said slowly. “Sorry to sneak up on you like that.”
Magnus released the breath he was holding and noticed the new addition over his shoulders.
“It’s cold out here.” Alec said, nodding towards the thin blanket. “How long have you been sitting here?”
Magnus shrugged. “Not long. I thought you were supposed to be out all day.” He saw a shadow pass over Alec’s face at that but he quickly schooled it.
“I got done early.” Alec said calmly. “I went to the Institute. To deal with him.”
Magnus bit his lip as he understood who he was. “What did you do?”
“He’s alive.” Alec said casually as he settled down beside him on the couch. “Holding on to him for now. I have to talk to the Clave about de-runing him.”
Magnus turned a surprised gaze towards him. “De-runing? Isn’t that too…much?”
Alec narrowed his eyes a little. “Tricking and attacking the High warlock in the Institute he is closely associated with is an act of high treason. And I am talking from the head of institute standpoint. If it were in my hands, he would be dead long ago.” He said plainly with no remorse in his gaze.
“You can’t kill him, Alexander.”
“He went after you. Yes I can kill him.” Alec deadpanned. “Your belief in me is the only thing that stopped me from doing it today.”
Magnus let out a breath. He had anticipated it. If only the situation were different right now, he would have been strangely elated at that thought. “Don’t you have other matters to attend at the Institute? You can’t ignore your work for me.”
“Izzy and Jace are handling it just fine.” Alec said tightly. “You are the one always telling me to take a vacation.”
“This is hardly a time for a vacation.”
“You are right.” Alec quickly agreed. “Because I need to be here for you. You are still not a hundred percent.”
“I am completely fine.” Magnus said, looking away. “You don’t have to always be here to look after me. You have a responsibility-“
“You are my responsibility!” Alec said loudly. There was beat of silence before he continued in a slightly broken voice. “Or have I lost that right now?”
That got Magnus’ attention and he quickly looked at Alec. What he saw in his eyes made him falter. There was pain and desperation there. And so much sadness.
“What?” Magnus asked faintly.
Alec swallowed hard. “Magnus I-I..I know why you are so angry with me. Why you don’t want to talk to me, or even look at me.”
“I am not-“ Magnus started.
“Stop. Please stop denying it. We both know what’s going on here.” Alec said, shaking his head.
Magnus licked his lips. He was afraid and confused. How can Alec know what’s going on in his head? “You do?”
Alec took a deep breath and slowly sank down to the floor in front of him. He timidly grasped at his hands as if afraid he might shake it off. Magnus couldn’t take his eyes away as he saw Alec kneeling there in front of him, lightly holding on to him with his face full of fear and sadness. It was making Magnus a bit dizzy.
“Alec what…”
“Let me say this. Please.” Alec whispered. “I understand that you don’t want to hear it but I need to do something here to make you understand how sorry I am. About everything that happened.”
“You are sorry?” Magnus asked, his mind drawing a blank.
“Yes.” Alec nodded, keeping his gaze down. “The whole attack….it happened in my Institute by a shadowhunter who was under my direction. I knew that you were still fairly unpopular with everyone else and that the Institute was not by far the safest place for you. But I didn’t realize th-that something like this could happen. That it could go as far as you…almost dying. This should never have happened. It’s all my fault.”
Magnus was shaking his head before he had even stopped talking but Alec was not looking at him. He continued with his guilty tirade,
“I knew how much you hated being in the Institute. Before you met me and also for a while after we got together. But I could see as time went by that you were getting comfortable. That it was becoming easy for you to be there. Because of me. You had faith in me. I was supposed to protect you from my people. And I failed.”
“I understand.” Alec continued, finally looking up at him. His eyes were glistening with unshed tears. “I understand that you don’t feel safe right now. After what happened, you don’t feel safe with me. That you don’t want to see me…or have to d-do anything with me. But please Magnus…don’t let this ruin what we have. I can’t bear that. I promise you, I swear on the angel that I will not let anything like this happen again. I will burn down anyone who comes near you be it my enemies or my own people. I will make you trust me again. Just give me a chance. Please Magnus.”
Alec stopped then, his teary gaze trained on him full of hope and fear. Magnus was half hoping for this to be some kind of a dream. Surely his behavior from the last few days hadn’t sent this kind of a message? But then he thought about Alec and his self-sacrificial guilt and his constant need to carry the burden of everyone he cared about. And then he had the stomach sinking realization of the giant mistake he had made.
“Oh my god, Alexander.” He breathed out. “Oh darling…You can’t possibly think..”
Magnus quickly followed down to where Alec was kneeling, ignoring the jab of pain down his back. He couldn’t believe what he had heard. He had to make this right. He grasped back on fingers around his and tightened his hold. “Alexander…I can’t believe what you are thinking. Please don’t tell me you think this is the reason I have been a bit off these past days.”
“You don’t really talk to me. You have barely looked at me, Magnus.” Alec said, biting his lip.
Magnus closed his eyes in defeat. “I know, Alexander. I know I have been hurting you. But for Lilith’s sake, how can you even think that I blamed you for this? That I lost my faith in you for something that was completely out of your control?”
“It is my fault, Magnus. I know that.”
“No. No.” Magnus denied desperately. “Hey. Listen to me. What happened to me, it wasn’t your fault. None of it. There was no way you could have anticipated it or done anything to stop it. It was that shadowhunter’s fault. It was his misguided belief that got me there. Him being a part of your Institute wouldn’t have changed a single thing.”
“Still…I was supposed to protect you.” Alec whispered shaking his head.
“Alexander…both of us lead dangerous lives. As much as we want to keep each other safe, we can’t. We can only try. Him being a shadowhunter doesn’t mean he was your responsibility. This is no different than a downworlder attacking you in his misguided faith. Surely you understand that.”
“Magnus…” Alec said, biting his lip.
“Both of us lost our perspectives in there. We shouldn’t have believed that the Institute would be a safe place for me. The past doesn’t change that easily or quickly. But these things happen, we can’t control them and neither can we let them control us. We just have to learn our lesson here and be careful in the future. This attack was not your fault. Do you understand me, Alec?”
“I-I..” Alec swallowed hard. He nodded slowly. “I understand. It’s…hard to believe that. But I am trying to.”
“You shouldn’t have even been thinking like this in the first place.” Magnus shook his head sadly. “It’s because of me. I didn’t think my behavior would make you come to that horrendous conclusion.”
Alec sniffed. “I wasn’t really sure of it but I couldn’t think of anything else. I thought you were starting to hate me.”
Magnus hung his head. “I could never hate you. Not in a million years.”
“Magnus…” Alec started, tugging at his hands to look at him. He continued when he did, “What is it then? If you don’t blame me for the attack then why are you distancing yourself from me like this?”
Magnus faltered at that. It was time. He had to tell him or else Alec was going to belittle himself in some other way and he couldn’t have that. But it was just so hard.
“Talk to me, Magnus.” Alec pleaded softly.
Magnus slowly moved his hands away, heart squeezing as he saw the hurt in Alec’s eyes at that. He wanted nothing more than to grab into him and never let go but he couldn’t be selfish. Not now.
“I have been thinking.” He started, looking away from him. “About something…he said.”
He could sense Alec’s frown beside him. “Who? The shadowhunter? Why would you even listen to anything he said?” There was a tinge of anger in his voice now.
“Because it made sense. Out of all the bullshit he was spouting, this was the truth.” Magnus said, thinking back to the words that were haunting him all the time now.
“Magnus, what the hell did he say to you?” Alec asked impatiently, all the anger in it directed not towards him but towards the shadowhunter.
“I have a question for you.” Magnus asked quietly, looking back at him. “Why are you with me?”
Magnus saw the genuine frown and confusion on Alec’s face as he heard his question. “What?” he asked confused.
“Out of all the men you can have, why did you choose me? Choose the hardest option there is?” Magnus asked, his quiet controlled voice breaking a bit at the end.
“I don’t understand…Magnus what the hell are you saying?” Alec asked, worry and frustration warring on his face.
“I am so different than you. I will never understand what you are really going through because we come from different places, different times.”
“I think we have been over this before.” Alec said, referring to the time of their first date. “Is this about your exes again? Because I don’t care about them.”
Magnus shook his head. “It’s not about the past. I know you don’t care and neither do I. But I am talking about the future here. What kind of future can I give you, Alec?”
Alec opened his mouth to say something but Magnus cut him off,
“You have to constantly fight everyone for your relationship with me. Defend yourself to your own people because you are with me. Make choices between me and the people you love…” Magnus said, voice breaking.
“Magnus-“
“And for what?” Magnus continued, paying no heed to Alec’s interruptions. “What can I give you? You can’t run the Institute properly or get the Clave’s favor as long as you are with me. We can’t marry because a union between a shadowhunter and a downworlder is not possible, much less appreciated by anyone. Yo-you can’t have kids with me.” He paused to sniff at his tears. “Alexander…people will understand you are gay. They will accept that. But being with a downworlder like me? That’s one of the hardest choice you can make. Not when you have a chance to make an easy one and live a happy life where you don’t have to constantly fight for it.”
“Stop.” Alec said. He was breathing heavily, his gaze trained on him. “Stop talking.”
Magnus sniffed. “Alec-“
“I am going to kill him.” Alec said tightly. “I am going to kill him for saying these things to you. For putting these absolutely rubbish thoughts in your head.” He held up a hand as Magnus opened his mouth. “And you… by the angel Magnus….what are you even saying?”
“It’s the truth. It’s hard but it’s the truth.” Magnus said, biting his lip.
“How the fuck can you even believe this bullshit?” Alec said loudly. His face was set in righteous anger. Magnus swallowed hard. He hadn’t been expecting this anger from Alec. “What, you think I had a choice when it came to you? I tried to resist it, remember? I chose to follow my duty, my family! You are the one who stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t choose you…my heart; my soul…every fiber of my being chose you.” Alec abruptly stood up from where he was kneeling and started pacing away.
Magnus looked on with wide eyes. “Alec…”
“Are you telling me that you regret it? Regret walking in my wedding with Lydia?” Alec asked whirling around to face him.
“What? No!” Magnus said, horrified.
“Cause that’s what it sounds like.” Alec said wildly. “That was the choice you made wasn’t it? Coming after me? All that we have been through, every battle we had to face to be here. Does none of that count anymore?”
“Alec, wait.” Magnus held up his hands. “You are completely missing my point here.”
“I don’t think I am, Magnus.” Alec said, shaking his head. “Cause it sounds like you are starting to regret our relationship. Starting to regret me.”
Magnus couldn’t take it anymore. He quickly grabbed at Alec and threw his arms around him. He hugged him tightly, tucking his head in his neck in a familiar motion. Alec was wound tight under him and didn’t respond to him.
“I can never ever regret what we have between us. This relationship, you…are the most important thing in my immortal life.” Magnus said as firmly as he could. “Nothing and no one even comes near to what I feel for you, my love.”
“Do you think I don’t feel the same then?” Alec’s whisper reached him from where he was snuggled tight against him. Slowly he felt hands grip him and move him away from Alec. He leaned back and came face to face with Alec’s pale face and teary eyes. “Do you think I don’t love you as much as you do?”
“Alexander.” Magnus whispered.
“There is nothing hard or easy when it comes to being with you.” Alec started. “There is just right. It wasn’t the hardest choice there was, it was the only choice because there is no one else in this world that I belong with than you.”
“You have barely seen the world.” Magnus whispered.
“I don’t need to. I know you are the only one I want. The only one I will ever need.” Alec said earnestly, calmly. “Whatever hardships come our way, whatever battles I have to face, they don’t matter because I face them with you by my side. As long as I have you by my side, I am ready to fight every second of every day for the rest of my life.”
“Oh Alec…” Magnus whispered, overwhelmed.
Alec slowly reached up and cupped his face. His eyes were swimming with tears and a love so deep, it blinded Magnus. “All my life, I have always done what I was told. I never wished for anything, until you came along. You taught me to live for myself. How can you just expect me to go back on that and make the easy choices which offer me nothing but misery?”
“I only want what’s good for you. I will always want that.” Magnus said, his breath hitching.
“You are what’s good for me. All of you, the good and the bad.” Alec said softly. “I will have you however way I can. If it’s through difficult choices or sacrifices, if it’s without any hope for marriage or kids, I will still have you. Because you are my life. There is nothing for me without you.”
Alec continued, “Magnus…you can doubt my skills as a shadowhunter or as a leader, hell you can even doubt me as a brother or a son, but never doubt my love for you.” Alec said desperately. “This can’t work if you keep shutting me off or keep believing that somehow you don’t mean as much to me as I do to you.”
“I-I am sorry.” Magnus said, leaning into him. “God, I am so sorry, Alec.”
This time Alec pulled him closer and hugged him tight. “One of the first things you told me was to follow my heart. I got it wrong that time. But now I get it. Following my heart meant choosing you. And it’s the best damn decision I will ever make in my life.”
“I am glad you chose me. I truly am, Alexander.” Magnus said, his voice muffled into his shoulders. “I just didn’t want to be selfish by making you go through hell by staying with me.”
“Are you kidding me? You are my one spot of heaven in between the hell that is my life.” Alec murmured, kissing the side of his head. “These past few days…the thought of losing you, any way I can absolutely terrified me.”
“I am sorry for scaring you.” Magnus said sadly.
“Just please promise me you won’t let bastards like him get into your head like that again. And even if you have doubts like this, talk to me. We will only suffer if we keep doing this.”
“I promise.” Magnus whispered with conviction. “I was…scared too. Of letting you go. Of losing you.”
“I am not going anywhere. You are stuck with me.” Alec said firmly.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Magnus said, letting out a huge breath. “I love you so much, Alexander.”
“I love you too, Magnus.” Alec whispered in his ear and hugged him tighter.
Magnus closed his eyes and let himself have what he desperately wanted to have for the last few days. He let himself get surrounded by Alec’s touch and his scent and his strong presence. There was nowhere he fit better than right here in his arms. He felt light for the first time since the attack.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he had been wrong in believing what he had been thinking. There was a part of him that never doubted the love shared between them. But he had been through some dark times and had his heart broken more times than he could count. Now when finally he had his worth of love, it was sometimes hard to believe. But he had Alec to remind him when those times came.
He knew there was still some way he had to go before he would fully let himself believe in this unending bond. But for now, this was enough. He had everything he needed. And when the difficult times rolled around, he would have Alec by his side to get him through it.
Because just like Alec, he had made the best damn decision too. He made the right choice.
The only choice.
THE END