Chapter Text
Once they were finished up with breakfast and dressed up – Osomatsu in his normal red hoodie while Karamatsu in his leather jacket and a normal pair of jeans with a plain white T-shirt – they set out to start whatever plans Karamatsu had. “So, what do you wanna do or plan for us to go?” Osomatsu asked. He’s been curious ever since
Karamatsu asked him to go. He was nervous so maybe it was something important.
“Heh,” Karamatsu pulled out some shades and put them on, only to dramatically smirk, look up, and take them off again, “I have no plans!”
Osomatsu couldn’t help but crack up. It had been so long since he’s heard that line, and really the way he executed it was even better. Karamatsu just looked at him with concern but found himself laughing a bit too. Karamatsu didn’t want to concern the oldest so he had to act the way he usually would, the way Karamatsu would. It’s exhausting acting like things are okay and being himself, especially since even before his whole dilemma, his speaking and poses were sadly consciously done, he really wished they were second nature. First being because he loved that way of talking and being, it was cool to him, but now it was so he could act a lot more easier. He’s spent years acting, this shouldn’t be too hard right? But, why did he bother acting? It was tiring.
No, he had to, at least one day! It hopefully won’t be too long either. Besides, because of it, he managed to laugh. The giggle didn’t go unnoticed by the oldest, since this was the first time he’s heard Karamatsu laugh, genuinely laugh that is. But, well, he didn’t expect more of the second oldest, always doing and saying things without thinking far ahead about it first. “Well alright then, No Plans-san, what do you feel like doing?”
That was a tough question. Karamatsu never really thought about that either. For all the thinking he’s been doing recently about himself, he’d think he at least had some sort of idea of what to do today.
Half of the day, they spent walking around, buying some snacks at the store, spending some time playing pachinko, and some time at the park. It wasn’t really eventful, and as expected, Karamatsu didn’t really talk. Throughout the day Osomatsu could see how he looked at him nervously at times, glancing at him whenever he could like he had something to say, but he never did. He managed to get more giggles out of the second oldest and even thought things really were okay by the way he was acting, he thought maybe they all were just overreacting and Karamatsu was fine.
They started walked home after spending some time in the park doing ridiculous things that got more than a couple questioning and concerning stares from parents, but neither of them minded and just found it hilarious. They got to the bridge Karamatsu would usually hanged out in and were walking over it until Karamatsu slowed down, and eventually came to a stop. When Osomatsu realized, he looked back at Karamatsu with a confused expression, “What’s up Karamatsu?”
Karamatsu was looking down, balling his hands into fists. He really did have fun today, the most he’s had in a while, but really, he was just stalling. There were so many moments where he wanted to tell Osomatsu but chickened out and instead decided to just enjoy this time together. For a while he did forget about his problems, but they soon crawled back as they walked. Now there wouldn’t be hesitation. He had to say it and made up his mind. “Osomatsu…” His voice was low and serious, making the later slightly walk closer to listen to him better, “You see I…I…” Karamatsu already felt himself on the verge of tears. He couldn’t look at the oldest as he said it. Why was it so hard? It’s not like he’s was admitting to a crime or something wrong he's done that he could get in trouble for.
Karamatsu was really about to say it, but he secretly wished this will be one of those fated moments. Those moments where as soon as he musters enough courage to say it and open his mouth, before any words actually left him, he’ll just be cut off by someone or something. An emergency, a disaster, a sudden noise, a distraction, anything! But the longer he waited, the more unlikely it felt. Of course it wouldn’t happen, this was reality. Those things only happened in stories and fiction. Well, if the world was against him, if fate was against him, he’ll take it in his own hands.
Osomatsu waited patiently for his younger brother to continue. Really, he was dying to know, but also scared. Because he had no idea what has been happening to his brother except himself. Osomatsu didn’t know why he felt this nervous himself, but he made sure not to show it or push on, instead he just waited.
Karamatsu looked up with a smile, pulling his shades out yet again and shoving them on his face, “I think it was a lovely day today, non?” He walked towards the rail of the bridge and leaned forward on it, looked ahead to the sunset, “It is always wonderful squandering quality time with my Aniki! Even the sunset is radiating beautifully like it always does!”
Osomatsu was dumbstruck. Was he serious? Was he serious right now? No this couldn’t be. He was obviously hiding something and didn’t want to say it. Karamatsu might like to be dramatic but not to this extent where he’s looked genuinely nervous and scared throughout the day only to say something this ridiculous. “Yeah I guess, but uh, wasn’t there something important you wanted to tell me?” He asked, urgently with hesitation.
Karamatsu slightly looked in Osomatsu’s direction before looking away and back at the sunset. “Important? I think you must be mistaken brother. It wasn’t anything important, so I decided not to bother you with such trivial things, especially after enjoying such a wonderous day.”
He was really fucking serious. This somehow ticked Osomatsu off. How can he say such an obvious lie with confidence like that? Well, it only comes to show even his confidence was a lie. Osomatsu was ready to snap at him and force whatever the hell he was hiding out of him but opted not to. That would be one of the most stupidest things he would’ve done. No, second most stupid thing he would’ve ever done. “Are you sure? If you have anything you want to tell me Karamatsu just say it. Nothing is too stupid, well even stupid things can be important! So c’mon, tell your Nii-chan it’s killing him!”
Karamatsu stiffed as he thought of what the oldest said, but instead straightened his back and kept a smirk, getting away from the bridge’s rail and started walking, “As I said, is it nothing to worry about Aniki. Now let’s go home and see what the rest of our brothers are up to!” Without looking back he kept walking.
Osomatsu stood there for a while, still processing his persistence. Karamatsu didn’t seem so bothered right now, but he seemed too normal. He decided to catch up with him and walk behind him. Karamatsu started rambling on about something that Osomatsu didn’t bother pay attention to, it would all be lies after all. He wasn’t fine, they weren’t overreacting, or were they?
They kept walking with Karamatsu ranting before he died down in the middle and they walked in silence. As they got to their house and Karamatsu was about to open the door, Osomatsu stopped him by grabbing his wrist, making Karamatsu looked at him with his eyebrows furrowed up in confusion. “Karamatsu I’m serious about what I said. If something is bothering you, no matter how stupid or small you might think it is…you can trust me and tell me.” There was silence.
So, he was figured out. Maybe Karamatsu really would tell him, it was the reason he asked him to come with him to do absolutely nothing in the first place before abandoning that idea entirely. If only he could abandon his awful thoughts that easily. Before Karamatsu could get a word out, it seemed he took too long. Osomatsu let go of his wrist and continued speaking, “Was it…was it something we did? Something I did..? Is that why you won’t tell me?”
Great, he made it seem like it was his brother’s fault. It wasn’t in the slightest! That’s what he wanted to think. That’s what he wanted to tell Osomatsu. To at least give him some reassurance that they weren’t the cause of this, whatever the hell this was, but he couldn’t. Because if it was any of their brothers’ fault, they would at least know some way to solve it if it was the way Karamatsu was being treated. But it wasn’t. He was upset for no reason, and that wasn’t something so easily fixed. No, it would only burden them more with his nonexistent problems.
Karamatsu pushed up his shades more into his face, looking at Osomatsu with a stern expression, or that’s what it looked like with only his eyebrows and mouth visible, “I’m fine Osomatsu, don’t worry about it.” And so Karamatsu went inside the house, leaving Osomatsu in his same spot.
Karamatsu couldn’t tell him it wasn’t his fault, that it wasn’t any of his brothers’ fault, because then he wouldn’t be completely honest. But now that he failed to tell Osomatsu anything after worrying him the entire time and now Karamatsu knows Osomatsu has noticed his behavior – meaning the others have too considering they were more observant than him – it seems he has to start acting more ‘Karamatsu’ and not be so obvious. Whether it was trying to act as okay as he possibly could and how he was before or avoiding them to the point where they gave up on him and find this the new normal, because it will be.
Yes. This was Karamatsu now, the Karamatsu that has been the new normal recently. The one with self-hating and self-doubting thoughts that’s drifting further away from his brothers, further away from his original self, further away from reality. This will be Karamatsu until it becomes too much and pushes him over the edge, most likely leading his own demise by the hands of his own mind. Poetic, no?
All because Karamatsu couldn’t find the courage to reach out the chance he had to.