Chapter Text
The next days were normal. Benjamin fulfilled the tasks he was told to and looked normal, acted normal- but he wasn’t normal.
It took Washington three days, three bloody days to look behind the façade Benjamin was trying to uphold. Looking back, he couldn’t figure out how he could have ever fallen for this lie. How he could have overlooked the signs. It was only logical after all, but he didn’t see it. He failed the boy- again.
The worst was that it wasn’t him seeing the difference but Hamilton, even though he was less kind in his choice of words or his intentions. Still, he saw the difference where Washington failed. He just saw the man that was back on his feet again because he wanted him to be like this. He wanted Benjamin to be ok. God, he wanted nothing more- and yet he failed him.
But now this needed to change, it had to change.
Looking closer, he realized how different Ben suddenly was. He barely talked or laughed or even smiled. He still worked, but he had become unconcentrated and errors slipped into his letters and he sometimes just stared onto blank paper. But above all, his eyes always looked sad, like he just lost a loved one.
After the fight with Brewster, Tallmadge had always kept to himself and never really tried for friends again but now he seemed to try even harder to be alone and elude any situation he might find himself in close proximity with others.
He approached Ben, who sat alone at his desk, lost, while the rest of the officers sat outside and talked, determined to… To what? Find out what was wrong? He already knew that. By god, he knew. Ben’s face when he found out haunted his very sleep. To help him cope? Maybe, but he wasn’t the best person to do this, was he? Right now, he would need Caleb Brewster like never before- or Mrs Strong. Anyone he would trust not to hurt him. Anyone but Washington, a general that dreamed about sodomy with him. But there was no one. A man like Ben, gentle and caring, and he was alone in his suffering.
Silently debating in his head, Washington moved over to the desk where Ben was sitting and starring at the documents in front of him- unmoving. Washington wasn’t even sure if he really saw them in front of him, if he really saw the wooden desk or if the last inch of the candle would burn down and Ben would continue to stare at the letters in darkness- seeing something totally different.
“Major?”
Ben jumped with fright, his pupils blown and eyes unseeing. Horror on his face and tremors running down his spine. Washington stopped dead. God, no! He hadn’t want that. He wanted to help the boy, to make him feel better, safe again. And here they were with Ben looking like he was back in this terror.
“Benjamin?”
The boy blinked and slowly, the blue eyes focused on him. It was a small relieve. A relive, he had to tell himself, even there were still tremor running through Ben’s form. It was progress, it was better than before- or was it?
Washington couldn’t help himself but wonder. Was Ben simply still caught in his terrors or was he afraid of him, Washington? He stopped, waited, but the tremors didn’t subside. Did they ever? Ben now knew the pain and horrors he was dreaming about. How could he feel safe in his presence?
Ben looked so broken and helpless, it tore his heart in two. Whatever he did to Arnold to make the man hate him so much, the traitor got his revenge. He could take wars and losses, taunting and assassination attempts, but having to watch the fear in Ben’s eyes was more than he could take. Why off all the people had Arnold to be the one finding out about his love for Benjamin? And why, good god, why did he have to ra… hurt him, a young soldier and man he had liked. How could he do this? To Ben?
It might have been Arnold who mistreated him, but would it matter to Ben? Probably not.
Washington tried for a soft tone while shielding Benjamin from an unexpected intruder that could witness his fear or come to a conclusion concerning their meetings that was wrong, could always just be wrong. The last thing they needed was for the talk to arise again, especially now after Ben’s ordeal. “I didn’t mean to startle you, Ben. I am sorry.”
His mouth twitched but it didn’t reach his eyes- never have been since his capture. “No need for an apology. It was my own mistake. What can I do for you, your Excellency?”
Your Excellency… They were alone. Ben had never called him this when they were alone since their talk, since they became friends. “Do you have a minute?”
His brow furrows. “Of course, Your Excellency.”
If only his tone wouldn’t belie him. Washington had to stop himself from taking another step towards Ben. He would never harm him, but unfortunately, that didn’t mean that Ben would see it that way.
“I am concerned for your health, Benjamin. I can’t remember when I have last seen you eating or sleeping. You are pale with dark circles under your eyes and…” I am afraid what you might do to yourself. Please, don’t make me wake up to find your cold body. Don’t make me stand at your grave. He took a deep breath and tried to banish that picture. “Let me help you.”
The boy hugged himself, unconsciously taking a step back. “I am fine.”
“Ben…” Was he lying or just afraid for one thing was certain: Benjamin Tallmadge was far from ok. He looked so scared and broken, so utterly broken it hurt to look at him. How could he just make the boy see reason? There was nothing to worry about, no shame in what happened.
Another step back. “Really, I’m…”
“What did you eat today?”
He paused, wondering and Washington found his suspicions confirmed. Benjamin… “Yesterday?”
“I fail to…”
“Benjamin!”
The boy just let his head hang and swallowed thickly, taking another step back. His back hit the desk and he winced maybe because of the pain, maybe because of fear but didn’t look up. “I am sorry, your Excellency.”
And again he managed to make him feel guilty when he just wanted the boy to see reason, to see that he was cared for, liked. Loved. The word lay heavily in Washington’s heart, but he forced himself not to think it, to forget it. It couldn’t be, could never and now- even less likely than never. “Look at me, Benjamin.”
His head of intelligence looked up and he looked as if he expected a court martial. “If you allow, I will go back the reports you…”
No! Only by sheer force can he stop himself from shouting these words out loud. How is this possible? How could Ben hide behind reports and work when he only wanted to talk to him? He was worried sick! Was the boy blind or why didn’t he see that? “Forget the reports, Ben.”
“But your Excellency…
Washington sighed. “Do you trust me?”
“Sir?”
“The question is a simple one, but I want an honest answer, no matter what the answer will be. A lie won’t help me- or you. So, do you trust me?”
Ben’s nod is barely visible. The little movement, full of uncertainties and fears is what has him convinced. A lie wouldn’t be that raw, that uncertain.
“Come with me.” He held his hand out and very slowly, Ben followed the invitation, tentativeness in his eyes. Washington smiled, even if he felt like crying. “Come, Ben.”
He led the boy away from the frequently used offices and eyes of other officers into his own, private, quarters. When he saw Ben tensing, he stopped dead. “I would never hurt you. I just want to give you some privacy. We can go back if you want.”
“No, it’s fine.”
That was a lie, so Washington settled for the second best: he led Ben into the salon, where a warm fire was burning and the atmosphere of home and an ideal world is in the air. “Sit.” He gestured to one of the armchairs. When Ben didn’t follow his instruction right away, he sighed again. “Please.”
Ben sat down and looked horribly uncomfortable.
Washington looked around. “Billy?”
His servant came into view and Washington ordered him to bring them something to eat. The mention of food however made Benjamin go pale. This was more than the usual neglect. Dread was forming in his stomach at the sight of that. “What is wrong, Ben?”
“I… I’m afraid I won’t be good company, your Exce…”
“George, please.” No one would ever trust someone with their personal problems and fears if they addressed him as your Excellency.
“George.”
His name sounded strangely scandalous coming from Ben’s lips. Only a heartbeat later he hated himself for this thought. The boy was struggling and he… “I just want you to know, that I am here if you need someone. And please, eat something. For me.” It was a low move given Ben’ hero worship, but if this meant that he would eat something, it was for a noble cause.
Ben collapsed into his armchair like a puppeteer just cut his strings. “I shouldn’t eat something, not when I can’t keep it down for long. Our rations aren’t big enough to be wasted on a stomach as mine.”
So that was why he avoided eating. And of course it was a reason like this. With Benjamin, it could never be a simple sickness, it always was doubt and insecurity. “You have the right to eat something, even if you’ll be sick only a heartbeat later.”
“But we don’t have enough provision to…”
“Eat, please. I can’t bare the thought of you starving.”
“But I feel nauseous”, Ben silently admitted. “I feel like I’m going to be sick by the mere smell… I shouldn’t… Not in your presence.”
His heart fractured even more. “Ben… I don’t care. I don’t mind if you’ll throw up. I will mind you. Please, let me help you.”
Ben looked up at him and for the first time there was something else than fear in his eyes. It wasn’t trust or love but it was the absence of fear and Washington couldn’t help himself but treasure this look. He would do anything right now to see Ben smile again
“Will you let me help you?”
A small nod.
Thank god. “Is there something you want to eat? Something you might be able to stomach?”
“I don’t know.”
He reached for Ben’s hand, only to stop himself midway when he remembered why they were here in the first place. “That’s fine. Just try a bit, please. And if you need something, anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Thank you.”
It was a small whisper, but it was music to his ears. “There’s no reason to thank me. This is what any friend should and would do.”
Ben gulped and it toke him a second to understand why. Any friend… Caleb abandoned him, the other aides showed nothing but harsh words and uncaring faces. Hamilton even talked in front of Ben about replacing him. The boy probably wondered right now, why no one cared if it was so normal. Well done, George! “I want you to feel safe, happy and… cared for. Let me help you.”
He can see the tears in Ben’s eyes and had to watch the fall, slowly making their way over his face. Washington would give anything if he could just wipe them away and hug him. Why can’t it be normal?
“Sir?”
When he looked up, he found Billy standing in the door, several plates in hand. He nodded a silent thank you and then waived him of. Ben needed a moment without anyone watching. Quietly, he began to fill his plate with food. Mouthfuls of everything. “Here. Just try a bit of everything. Maybe you will find something that you can eat without problems.”
Ben looked down at the food, than the fire and finally the floor- again. “Why are you so good to me?”
Washington opened his mouth, but stopped himself. It would do Ben no good to tell him, that it is normal, that everyone would understand and that everyone would act like this because they don’t. But he does. God, he does even more. Very slowly, he crouched in front of Ben and waited, until the boy looked at him. “I care about you and nothing changed about this. You are important to me. Not your work, not your mind, you. And I will do anything if it might bring you peace.”
Chewing on his lips, Ben looked at him, lashes painting even darker shadows under his eyes. “I don’t deserve…”
“Yes you do and now, at least try to eat a bit of bread, will you?”
He chews on the bread mechanically, probably not tasting any of it, but he managed the whole thing and even an egg and a slice of apple. He looked replete and it was a better victory than Trenton could ever be. “Better?”
“I just hope your generosity won’t be wasted.”
Has he always been this insecure? “Will you tell me what actually ails you?”
The moment Ben started biting his lip, Washington knew this couldn’t be good. “I… Never mind.”
“Please, talk to me.” He still crouched there in front of him and so he saw the fear in Ben’s eyes when he lowered them. The fear and the helplessness.
“I have trouble sleeping. Nightmares, even when I am awake. I… I just… But that is nothing I should…”, he stopped himself and Washington isn’t entirely sure why. Embarrassment? Fear? Or hopelessness?
“Talk to me, Benjamin. What do you need?”
Blond whips fall into his face and obscure the view onto his face but Washington is certain he can see a bit of red there. Why? Because the thing Ben wanted to ask for is scandalous in his eyes? Or because he is ashamed to need the help?
“I want judge.”
The slender fingers played with the shirt and he looked so much like a child at that moment that Washington would have done anything without even thinking about the meaning. The boy was so young. Too young. He should be at Yale or in a school house, not here, not like this.
“Could you sit with me again? Last time you did this at least I fell asleep. I just… Whenever I close my eyes I see him again, feel him. I can’t lie down and sleep without panicking. I… Would you?”
“Of course.” Last time? The last time he sat with him was three days ago. Didn’t Benjamin get a proper sleep for three days? He looked at the dark shadows under Benjamin’s eyes again and cursed inwardly. Why didn’t he ask for this sooner? If he could help him, he would. He would do anything if it was in his powers and sitting with him was not a big request. He could have done this for the last days, all of them. If only he would feel safe again. God, he’d do anything to chase that fear out of Ben’s eyes.
Suddenly, a thought struck him that made Washington nearly taste bile himself: How long wouldn’t Ben have slept if he hadn’t asked the boy to see him this evening? Could one die of sleep deprivation?
“I apologize. I shouldn’t have…”
“I said, I’d do it.”
That silenced the boy. With big eyes he looked at Washington, hearing him for the first time. “Really?”
Washington held out his hand for him. “Come.”
Tentatively, Ben stood up. “Thank you.”
Anything!
***
He led him into his own quarters where they wouldn’t be disturbed. Half afraid Ben would run at the first sight of his bed, he opened the door and let him in. To his surprise, Ben didn’t run. He just stood there, insecure and small and Washington felt burning hot rage pump through his veins. How could you hurt someone like this? “Undress und get under the covers, I’ll get you some tea. Martha always use it if the kids have an upset stomach.”
He will not drink it, they both know it, but it is a good enough excuse to leave for a few minutes and give the boy time to undress without him watching. It might be less awkward for him- and les frightening.
The cup of tea in his hands he made his way back to his room. His thoughts chased themselves in his head, while he approached his chambers- and Ben in them. Would it help the boy if he left after he fell asleep or should he stay? Was it even a good idea? His presence couldn’t be soothing to Ben, could it?
He went on, wondering and worrying. Not once did it cross his mind, that Benjamin Tallmadge, the man he loved and desired more than anything, was in his own bed. The picture held no passion or arousal for him, just worry. God, let him be alright.
When he pushed open the door, Ben lay curled under a blanket and looked so uncomfortable, like he really felt out of place. Afraid? He wasn’t sure.
“I… I brought you a cup of tea. If you want to sip a bit, I put it on the nightstand.”
He nodded, biting his lips.
“What is it, Benjamin? If you suddenly have second thoughts or feel caged, it’s ok to say. Tell me and I’ll help you- or let you go, if that’s what you want.”
“I just don’t think I should be here. This is wrong and if someone finds us… Your reputation…”
Washington huffed “I don’t care about my reputation. If it is ruined, it is only by the truth. If you fear for yours on the other hand…”
A shake of his head. Blond wisps fall into his face, they make him look even younger. The open hair looked good on him, but it’s an informality that he better didn’t get used to.
A flash of boldness hits him and he leans forwards and stroke the wisps out o his face. To his surprise, Ben let it happen and for a heartbeat he could have sworn that he leant into the touch. “Then relax. You need it.”
“Talk to me?”
God, have Ben’s eyes always been this big and blue? “What do you want to hear?”
“Something peaceful.” His voice is so thin. He sounds like a child on his parents’ grave wanting to hear the world is a warm and happy place.
“Ok.” He sat next to him on the bed and began. He told him about Mount Vernon, about Martha and him fighting about the color for the dining room and then letting the kids choose, only to end up with a green that looked like spinach that had been eaten before. Of course Mrs Lennart their neighbor found it utterly beautiful and Martha told here it was a new fashion in France- Mrs Lennart even believed them and redid her whole house in this color. Ben even giggled then.
He told him how Jack learned to fence and that Pattsy was the better fighter but always angry she wasn’t allowed to fence with others like here brother.
“It sounds nice, your life before this.”
Washington looked down at him and shrugged. The stories had been glimpses into long years, long years of loneliness and sorrow, of fear of exposer and longing. “Yes, it was nice.”
Ben didn’t buy it. The boy really had a talent for this. “It wasn’t always like this?”
God, no! He had debts over his head, started a war, lost his father, wasn’t able to go to school anymore, was alone and forced to marry a woman he didn’t know and could never love. “Some times just don’t make good stories. What about you? The clever boy from Yale, hm?”
Ben yawned and his eyelids seemed to get heavier by the minute, his eyes only half open now. “There is nothing special about me. I am just a preacher’s son that learned a bit more. Ask Caleb.”
Caleb… How could he let go of a friend like Ben? “You are very special. You have a good heart.”
Ben yawned again and snuggled into the blanket. “Do you love Martha?”
That was… an odd question. Not on its own but coming from Benjamin. Was he just babbling now like Patsy used to when she was little? “Yes. Maybe not like I should, maybe not like society defines love, but I do love her.”
Ben curled up and it brought him so much closer to Washington. If he moved, he would bump into Ben. For a few sweet seconds, he enjoyed the closeness. He couldn’t be afraid of him, not when he sought comfort like this, could he? “Do you feel safe?”
“Hm…” Ben yawned again and Washington couldn’t help himself. It was cute and something between love and adoration floated him.
“You are safe with me. Sleep now.”
“Thank you.”
Tentatively he reached for Ben’s hand. “No need to thank me. I’ll stay. Whatever nightmare might come, I will be there.”
“What do you love about your wife?”
“Her temper, her wit and the power to make me love and smile even when the world seems to come down. And she understands me, is there for me. We started out as friends but now we are more. It’s not a romance penned by Shakespeare, but it’s real.”
Ben yawned again and he looked so much more at peace than at his desk. Washington vowed to do this again, every single night if needed. “Sounds nice.”
Washington huffed. “To a idealist like you?”
Ben’s eyelids fell shut. “I get it”, he breathed out. A minute later he snored softly.
He gets it… Washington looked down at the young face, suddenly at peace and wished he knew what Ben got about it. But did it matter? He took his hands in his and gently thumbed over his knuckles. The nightmares would come, he couldn’t stop them, but at least Ben wouldn’t face them alone this night, nor any other night. No matter, what he got about Washington’s words, he would be there.