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“Freeze!” His lungs burned so much he was surprised to be able to get that word out. He had run like never before and he felt like collapsing. His weapon however didn’t waver.
The man turned around and the arrogance in his eyes made Ben’s skin crawl. “You could have been great, Benjamin. You could have been a great soldier and an even greater man, but you let Washington rub himself all over you. You took the easy way and now it will break your neck. I’ve expected more of you, but then, what are you? A farmer’s boy from a backwater town. Nothing more than a pretty face for our General. I wonder what the British will have to say about the actions in his bedchamber- or Congress. Do…”
“Hold your breath!” Ben gripped the weapon so tight he wondered if the metal would break under his fingers. “You have no right to speak about anything or accuse anyone of anything. You are nothing than a traitor.”
“So much idealism, so much talk. Does he like you talking when he takes you like an animal?”
“You…” Out of the corner of his eye Ben saw a movement but it was already to late to react. He had himself aloud to get distracted and this was the result of it. He screamed when the bullet hit his body.
****
“Where is Major Tallmadge?” Washington’s gaze bore into the messenger boy that told them about a delay that would keep Arnold from them a bit longer. The boy’s story was believable and he himself far to afraid of the men in this room to lie but he couldn’t shake that feeling. Dread, fear, knowing. He couldn’t lose that boy, not Benjamin!
“Sir, I…”
Washington had to force himself to remain calm. They were on Patriot ground, safe ground, in a fort no less. Benjamin was safe. Why couldn’t he shake that feeling of irrational fear whenever the boy rode out? He had hoped the feelings his sickness made him feel would subside over time and that the friendship would be enough, but it still hurt, he still longed- and he had to be extra careful not to make Ben uncomfortable. Maybe he should have stayed silent. Ben’s respect and loyalty were wonderful, but his heart wasn’t satisfied and the dreams were even more frequent. Dreams of Ben in which he acted like he would never do in real life.
Right now however, he would trade an indifferent Benjamin, even a hostile one, for a safe one. This fort, Arnold, something was bugging him.
Hamilton caught his eyes. “The boy will look into this, no worry. Tallmadge has a quick mind and is more than capable to handle whatever might arise here.”
Washington forced a smile onto his face, even though he knew it was wrong, all wrong. But he couldn’t tell Hamilton that, a new but good friend of Benjamin. The boy had been seeking the friendship with his fellow officers after the disaster with Brewster and Hamilton had been more than intrigued by Ben. Lafayette as well. Everyone liked Ben, but he loved him- and he feared for him. Something just wasn’t right. “I want you to ride out and search for him. I have an urgent matter to discuss with Tallmadge.”
“Your Excellency…”
“Not now, Hamilton!”
The messenger boy left and Washington looked after him, knowing full well that he should have gone himself, that he shouldn’t have sent Benjamin.
In the last weeks the most difficult thing had been to hide how good they got along, that their friendship was something special. But it was, it was more than that. Ben likes him, the real him or at least he tolerated him after knowing the truth. It was as close to happiness as he could get and sometimes he had to stop his eyes from wandering, sometimes he had to remind himself that this was just a friendship. Just! Right now, it felt like more than he would soon have. He knew this was a trap and Ben had warned him more than once. Why didn’t he listen?
He knew the answer. Damn him! Damn this war! Damn the man that touched a hair on Ben’s head!
“He is a fine soldier, far too fine for the title of Major.” Hamilton sounded so casual- he wasn’t.
Ben always sounded different when he tried to approach a subject. Sometimes fierce, sometimes small and broken like a child but never with this much strategy behind his words. It was nearly comical that the man that was his Head of Intelligence was the most honest and open man he knew.
His honesty… Washington looked out of the window, the shoulders stiff. Come back to me, Benjamin. Please, come back!
“You really seem worried, old fox. Don’t let Lee see this or the talk would be worse than after actual actions.”
“Lee… I don’t understand why a man like him isn’t brought to justice- like Bradford.”
“Good question, my dear Marquis! Unfortunately, our good general doesn’t give much for his reputation.”
“Hamilton!”
The men held their tongues but he could already feel a migraine throbbing behind his temples. It was the normal feeling of sickness, pain and helplessness he had come used to after all the years. The attacks still came, even though they had lessen after his friendship with Ben. But still they came. Mostly in bed or over the plans, when everything looked hopeless, when he felt like crushing down under the weight. First came the migrains- and sometimes his melancholia had followed. Not recently, not thanks to Ben. Ben!
God, please let him be alright. Please, let this be nothing but…
“Sir?”
His head shot up. The messenger boy was in the door again- and there was blood on his hands. No! His hand found the wall, tried to steady himself. It was cold under his fingers and the world was spinning. Lord, please, no!
“I… I’m sorry to tell you, that the Major won’t…”
“Where is he?”
“Sir, I…”
“Washington?” He felt Hamilton’s hand, Lafayette’s. “Your Excellency!”
All he could see was the messenger boy, the blood on his hands. “Where is he?”
“Down by the river. He…”
Washington was out of the room within a heartbeat. Benjamin!
He didn’t care about Hamilton and Lafayette, didn’t care about the talk that would follow, that would ruin him. He just cared for the one person he felt at ease with, that felt at ease with him. He just wanted to hear him laugh again about one of his halfjokes. He just wanted to hear him talk about dreams, Yale, his friends.
He called for a horse. He screamed for Benjamin.
The hooves drummed a staccato onto the floor. He heard guns in his head.
The flag bulged in the wind, a majestic view. He couldn’t care less!
The horse rushed over the ground and to the river. He was sure to hear Lafayette and Hamilton behind him. Maybe worried about him, maybe about Benjamin. He didn’t turn around to find out. He didn’t care.
It felt like forever until he could see the river- and then he saw the crowed. A crowed was never good! He stimulated the horse to even greater speed and nearly jumped of the racing animal. “What is the meaning of this?”
He heard his voice waiver but his appearance was still enough to make the people bow and give way- after one look he nearly wished they hadn’t. “Benjamin.”
He lay there, unnaturally still, unnaturally pale- and there was blood. “Get me a doctor.”
No one moved.
“A doctor, now!”
His yelling drove the faint-hearted away in search of a physician but some still lingered. He would ruin his reputation with this, his name, maybe even the cause. Ben whimpered.
“Shhh…” He was at the boy’s side in an instant. He was awake! The poor boy was awake and had to watch the puddle of blood around him getting bigger. Gently, he turned his head, so he couldn’t see the blood anymore. His cheek was so cold.
“Look at me, Benjamin.”
The once bright eyes were clouded by pain and fear. “Sir…”
“I’m here. No need to be afraid. The doctor will be here soon and then you can…”
Ben tried to move his head but more than a soft tremble he couldn’t manage. “Your name… People… watching…”
Right… That was Benjamin, that was the reason he loved that boy. Even now, he only thought of others. Never him first. He wouldn’t survive watching that heart stop beating. “Shhh…”
Hamilton’s voice was audible, at least he thought it was Hamilton. Or Lafayette? Or someone else? The crowd cleared the field and he gently cupped the boys cheek, stroking over it, featherlight. There were tears. “The doctor will be hear soon.”
Pressure, he needed to put pressure on the wound. His fingers found the hole in Benjamin’s shoulder and pressed down on it. Hard.
Ben screamed.
The sound had him nearly recoiling. It was more than the scream of a quick pain, it was pure terror and agony. He was putting him through this agony. “I’m sorry, Benjamin. God… God, I’m sorry.”
The boy coughed weakly.
One of the soldiers approached him, the reins of his horse in hand. “Your Excellency, you should leave. There is no telling if the shooter is still…”
He didn’t look up. “I will stay!”
“Sir…”
“No!”
Hamilton stepped between them and somehow uttered the man away. Good! He better looked for a doctor than fussed about him.
“Sir?” It was such a tiny sound, barely audible- and it meant the world to him. He was awake, he was alive.
“I’m here!” God, he could never feel more pain and fear. Emotions he also saw in Ben’s eyes that were suddenly less bright and more clouded. Please don’t die. Please, god, please. He needed that boy, his loyalty, his gentleness, his friendship- and Ben deserved more than a grave. He deserved a wife, children, a future… “Stay awake, Ben, will you?” His voice nearly broke.
“Hey, Benjamin, you have to fight this, you hear me?”
The boy tried to nod, to smile at Hamilton’s words, but he only whimpered at the try.
“Who did this?” Lafayette now stood next to Hamilton and looked down at the small form. “Tell us, Major, who…”
“He will tell later!” Didn’t they see that the only reason Ben wasn’t screaming was that he hadn’t the strength to do so. He needed calmness and a friend, no military discipline and questions. “Go get the doctor. Both of you.”
“But sir…”
“I said both!”
In the end, they obeyed but he stayed with Benjamin, stayed till a doctor was brought to him and Ben brought into a room where he could be treated. Treated… It sounded like torture to his ears. He had never heard anyone scream so much. But it was necessary. God, why was it necessary?
Was this a punishment for his thoughts? His dreams of sodomy? Took god the one thing he loved and that could stand him away from him? Was it maybe to protect Benjamin’s soul?
Washington buried his head in his hands and tried to ban this line of thoughts out of his head but they were persistent. They returned over and over again, had done so since that night that they had talked. Every Sunday, ever day he found Benjamin praying, every time he saw a woman turning her head after Benjamin, he wondered. What if he would take everything away from him? What if he would taint his very soul?
“He will make it!”
Hamilton suddenly stood before him, but Washington didn’t meet his eyes. “Hopefully.”
“The doctor was sure. The wound won’t kill him if no infection settles in. Quite the luck, don’t you think?”
The boy was screaming under the doctor’s fingers. He didn’t call that luck!
“We need to evaluate the situation and find the shooter. A lot points to Arnold whom we couldn’t find till now. Maybe he really turned but…”
“Hamilton.”
“Yes, sir?”
“He is still screaming in pain in there and you want me to reevaluate the situation?”
The young colonel sighed. “We all like him, but there are more important things right now. He will understand that.”
But he didn’t! “Go.” Washington pressed the word through clenched jaws and it sounded like a growl.
“This isn’t your fault! And Benjamin, no matter how much we like him, is just a major. The army…”
“Go!”
His yelling had Hamilton fleeing. He didn’t care about the consequences, not with Ben whimpering behind the door. That was enough!
Quietly, gently, he pushed the door open and stepped inside.
The doctor looked up from his work and he saw the needle in his hands, smelled the strong alcohol. Benjamin was so pale.
“I won’t be quicker just because you are in the room!”
He ignored the doctor and crouched next to Ben, taking his hand. The small, tired smile he received was the prettiest thing he ever saw. “I got you.”
The doctor just went back to work and he could feel Ben’s fingers tensing. He held his hand, through all of it. Just being there, like a friend, like a lover. He just needed to be there. He needed to know that Ben was safe.
It seemed to take ages before the doctor put the needle down and packed away his things. “Sleep now, Major. And no sudden moves.”
Ben managed only a tiny nod but Washington managed more. “Give him some Laudanum. You heard him scream. No need to repeat this.”
“Your Excellency, he might be an important asset to you…”
Washington needed all his trained self-control to stop himself from shaking that man. “He is. So give him the Laudanum.”
“I cannot. We have none here.”
No! “You must have…”
“I am only here by mere luck. We just claimed that fort and hadn’t time to stock everything up. I’m sorry, your Excellency.”
He didn’t move, didn’t look up. He was so pale and trembling in the bed that made him look like a sick child. “Do you have anything comparable?”
The doctor sighed and Washinton already knew the answer. “Alcohol. I’ll leave you the bottle.” And with that he left.
He gave Ben’s hand a gentle squeeze, a soft remainder that he wasn't alone. “I got you. There is no need to mask your pain anymore andbelieve me, I know how much this must hurt. I won’t judge.” And he had been given Laudanum whenever he had been hurt.
His words had tears running down Ben’s face. Silently as if still uncertain of the truth behind the words.
Washington bend over him and gently whipped them away, stroked the wisps of hair out of his eyes. His beautiful eyes. The hair was so soft under his fingers, his cheek.
Ben let out a shaky breath.
Like burned Washington pulled away and was on his feet in a heartbeat. How could you? What on earth were you thinking? Did he really? Good god!
“I’m sorry. I promise, I… You probably need your time, space… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry, Benjamin.” And with that he turned around and fled.
“George?”
His name. He froze, unable to move. Benjamin hadn’t called him that often. Nearly never. “Yes?”
“I… stay?”
He would never have to ask this, never. “Of course.”
As soon as he was next to the boy again Ben huddled close, seeking contact, seeking reassurance and it was pure bliss, a dream come true. His hand found its way back to Ben’s cheek again, gently thumbing over it.
Careful, George! Ben needed comfort, not a hit on. “Is this ok for you? I... I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t…”
“It’s ok.”
Washington felt tears in his eyes and couldn’t even say why. Hope? Happiness? Sorrow? “Ok.”
“I… I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Why was Benjamin sorry? What for? He never did anything that he needed to be sorry for and certainly not now. He was…
There were tears in Ben’s eyes again and he couldn't hold Washington's gaze. “I know you… What you... I can’t, George! I'm sorry, I simply... I know, maybe I should, maybe this is all wrong, maybe I am wrong but I... I just can’t.”
“It’s ok, Benjamin. It’s ok." He tried to smile, to show him that it was ok- he couldn't. "Should I take my hand away? I don’t force you. Please, you must believe me. I would never force you. To anything!”
“I know. It’s just…" Ben took a shaky breath. "Don’t take it away, please. It’s selfish and unfair and I am... but please! George, please! I don’t want to be alone.” The last words sounded so soft, so broken.
His fingers stroked over the wet cheek. “I know and you don’t have to be sorry for this wish. It isn’t selfish but natural.”
“It is. I know you want more and I play with… I just… It hurts! I can’t do this alone, not without something against the pain. It’s…”
Yeah, he saw the hole in Ben’s shoulder. Sure, the boy had been shot before, but this time the adrenalin was long gone- and no Laudanum to replace it. “It’s ok. I’m here.” A small smile managed its way onto his lips. “I’m here, Ben. And yes, I love you, which is why I want you to be happy, safe and well- no matter what that means for me. And if I can help you, I will- gladly.”
Ben choked on something between a laugh and a sob. “Am I a very bad person… not being able to return this? After all…”
“We don’t keep records." He cut him of. "I love you and what I do because of this has nothing to do with a debt that you have to repay.” Washington stroked his temple like Ben had done so many times when he had suffered under migraines and just like him back then, Ben relaxed under the soft massage. The events of the day took their toll and slowly his eyelids flattered. “Sleep now. I promise, I will watch over you.”
Ben yarned and he suddenly looked so much younger, too young to be here in this war. “You are... godsent, really. Sometimes I wish I could… Sometimes… Not like a lover but…”
“Shhh…” he blinked away the tears. Godsent? Benjamin, far from it! But the boy was so sweet, so gentle. And he wanted to believe him. God, why couldn’t this be allowed, be normal? It felt normal, it felt natural. Why was God and the law against this? Why?
“I love you.” He whispered and Ben smiled, already half asleep.
“Sometimes… true friendship and love…”
Washington begged for him to talk on, to say that he loved him, maybe, that someday… But Ben only snored softly. At peace and without pain at last and somehow he found that this was even better than a declaration of undying love.