Chapter Text
It had been 1 week.
7 days.
168 hours.
It felt like a lifetime. It felt like eternity.
Washington rubbed over his eyes and tried to think of the positive things. No body, no threats, no new strategies.
No Ben
And exactly that was the problem: No Benjamin.
A shaky breath left his chest and he fought against the grief that threatened to overtake him since the day Ben didn’t return from the mission Hamilton sent him onto so casually. A new won fort, a victory, his victory, they had been so careless. The messenger boy didn’t even need to tell him what happened, he knew it the moment the boy couldn’t meet his eyes: something was wrong. How wrong? God, he wished he knew. He wished he would know anything other than the fact that Arnold turned and Ben was missing.
He could be a turncoat. That sentence had Washington nearly strangle Hamilton. It took two of his life guards to wrestle the young Colonel out of his grip. Hamilton had blamed the wine and he didn’t deny it, no matter how sober he was. No General would grieve a lowly Major, no General would react like this because of an asset. An asset. Washington laughed but it wasn’t a happy laughter. Ben was more than an asset. He was so much more.
Ben was the friend he could talk to, that knew him, liked him, how he was and not how he pretended to be. Ben was… he was the one person he let his guard down with. He was the one person Washington loved. Now he was missing.
He was too experienced to lie to himself. It wasn’t some new intelligence, some adventure or a tale of bravery his boy would come back from laughing and alive, a hero. He probably should wish for Ben to be dead. Captivity in the hands of the Brits was something terrible- and it was even worse for the Head of Intelligence. And Arnold knew. He knew everything. And he would like nothing more than to hurt Washington, his cause… every liking he might have felt towards Ben would be dismissed in the progress.
Washington tried to suppress the pictures but he failed. Like always, the rose before his eyes no matter how hard he tried to close them, the pictures where still there.
Ben, bloody and broken.
Ben, screaming.
Cying.
Sobbing.
Dying.
Tremors shook him like a leave in a hurricaine. He lost him. He truly lost him. And there he had thought he won him just a bit.
Washington pressed the balls of his hands onto his eyes and tried to silence his sobs. God Ben! He didn’t deserve this, any of this. Why was the boy always punished for Washington’s mistakes? Why was he incapable of keeping the people he loved safe.
The picture of Nathan Hale came back, the young solder he sent to his death- Benjamin’s best friend out of Yale. The boy should have known better than to seek his proximity. He was toxin. And he killed him.
Someone knocked on the door and for a short moment he was tempted to ignore it. But he was the man that should play godfather of that nation. A nation that would hang him if they would ever hear the truth about him. He stood up and the responsibility crashed down on him again, heavier than with Ben at his side. “Yes?”
The man was a Privat, probably a messenger boy. He hated messenger boys, god he really did. Who died now?
“General, Sir, Colonel Hamilton wants to see you. He said it is urgent. He said it’s about Major Tallmadge.”
Ben! “Is he alive.”
“Was when I left. Screamed like only the living can.”
Washington was out of the door in a heartbeat.
He ran out of the house and into the night without knowing where to go. He just needed, he needed…
“This way, Your Excellency.”
The messenger nearly run before him to please him- he couldn’t even bring himself to look at the man’s face. God, Ben!
Was he in pain? Hurt? Of course he was, the messenger said he had been screaming. Screaming! He didn’t scream after taking that bullet to the shoulder, after nearly freezing in the Delaware river or after taking the bullet to the hip. Now he was screaming- and Washington’s blood ran cold.
“What is the meaning of…” The words died down in his throat and in pure horror he looked at the scene before him. “Ben.”
“Washington.” Hamilton turned around and smiled tiredly. “Look who’s back.”
Ben whimpered.
“Hey, just lay still for a minute, Tallmadge, then it’s over.”
Something wasn’t right!
“Come on, just a minute, don’t play…”
“Hamilton!”
“Sir?”
“Release him.”
The Colonel’s brow furrowed. “But sir, we…”
“I said: Release him. Now!”
Hamilton and Lafayette took a step back and Ben yanked himself away from the hands of the physician and curled into a ball.
Lafayette scoffed. “We nearly had him.”
“You pinned him down like a pig for slauter!”
“What were we supposed to do? He was unwilling to show compliance in any kind! Talk some sense in him for he has lost his somewhere with the Brits.”
Washington looked over to Ben. The young man lay there, curled into himself and hugging himself like a frightened child. The braid had become undone and blond locks fell into his eyes, making him even younger. And he was shaking, crying.
Fear gripped him. What did the Brits do with him? “Get out.”
“Sir…”, Lafayette started but Washington cut him off.
“Get out.”
Hamilton suddenly grabbed his arm and leaned in. “He looks broken. It’s safe to assume he talked. We should try to lessen the damage he caused by giving in. There is obviously no use in staying and talking to him. He is of no use for…”
Washington’s voice was deadly quiet. “Get out!”
And finally, they left but not without muttering and glances that held anything but friendship and compassion. Ben hadn’t talked. He would never… And even if, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Not when he looked so lost and broken. He looked like he had seen hell.
Slowly, very slowly, he turned around to face Benjamin again. Was the boy shaking? Something wasn’t right! “Benjamin?”
He shrank deeper into the covers, hiding from him. Why? He had never harmed him, threatened him, mistreated him. What had Arnold done to the boy? What lies did he… Ben was crying now.
“Ben?”
He didn’t say a word and the silence hurt Washington’s ears. It was unnatural, sick, dead. He felt like throwing up without a real reason for it. But his nerves… and he was scarcely wrong. “What is wrong with him? Is he hurt?”
The doctor hesitated for a second- and that sent his nerves on fire. Ben!
“What is wrong with him?”
Benjamin winced at his voice. He was afraid of him. He really was… But why? He was back in camp, back home with the people that cared about him, liked him, loved him. Love… Washington looked at Ben again and gulped. It couldn’t, could it?
The doctor finally found his tongue again. “As far as I could tell before you sent away he good gentleman helping me, your Excellency, he is weak but in rather good health. A few bruises, mainly around his wrists and ankles but…”
“He was bound?”
“That is to be expected of a captive even though he fought quite…”
“Of course he fought. What else would he do?” His voice was harsher than intended and for Ben he forced himself to be calm. The boy had enough fear and pain for a lifetime.
“But there is no wound to be seen. He was treated rather nicely.”
Ben huffed at that. It was the first thing he said since Hamilton and Lafayette released him and it didn’t get Washington’s hopes up. What did they do to him?
The doctor grabbed Ben’s arm again and the boy yanked himself free, terror in his eyes. And suddenly… His voice was shaking when he finally spoke. “I’d like to speak with Major Tallmadge alone.
It had started with this. Now he would have to build a new base of trust with it. Please, let me be wrong. Please, Lord, please let me be…
The doctor regarded Ben with a glace that set Washington’s blood on flames. “He is hysterical! I don’t think…”
“I said, I want to speak with him alone!”
The doctor huffed and finally, finally left. Thank god. “Benjamin?”
The boy huddled into the safety of his blanket. It could have been cute- but it only broke his heart. The Benjamin he knew would never do this, not in front of him.
“Ben, I won’t hurt you.”
Silence.
He should have known that, should know he is safe with him. But he doesn’t. “Do you know who I am?”
He gulped.
Well done, George! “Do you know that we are friends?”
A tiny nod. Washington treasured it like nothing else.
“Is it ok if I come closer?”
He tensed- and it fractured his heart in even tinier pieces.
“That’s ok, Ben, I don’t have to.”
Another nod.
“Are you in pain?”
Ben hesitated- than shook his head. That could mean anything! Certain was only one thing: The boy was afraid of him. Cold dread settled in Washington’s stomach.
“Do you want to be alone?”
He hesitated again, but then he shook his head. It was a reason to hope he told himself, he had to tell himself.
“Who did this to you?” Whatever this it. He won’t force the boy to name it, no matter what it was but he needs him talking. This silence isn’t healthy.
“Arnold.”
Who else? God, he… He had liked that man, been friends with him. And all because of money. God, looking at Ben, he wished he just paid him himself. Anything to erase that fear in his blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Benjamin. I… This is my fault. If I had given him…”
“None of this is your fault!”
Of course, the first sentence he spoke again was in defense of somebody else. It was so typical. It was what he loved about him. Not his looks, not his youth or body but his loyalty. A smile made it’s way up his face. “You are a true friend and a fine soldier.”
Something shifted in Ben’s face and there is pain in his eyes, pain and shame. “No.” It is barely audible.
“What do you mean? You are my Head of Intelligence, a man I trust.”
“I should resign.”
Should? “Why?”
He silently shook his head and tears formed in his eyes- and Washington knew. “He… hurt you, didn’t he? Touched you.”
Ben didn’t answer, he didn’t need to.
Washington felt his blood boiling. He could punch something, kill something- and felt like crying. That hadn’t been an attack against Benjamin, it had been against him. He was meant to suffer but Benjamin was the victim, he would bear the scars. He could already see them in his eyes. The once fiery glance was replaced by dullness, fear. What did he tell him while he… How far did he take this? God, how far? His hands curled into fists. “This is no reason to be ashamed, Ben. And I will never think less of you because of something he did. It is his fault, not yours.”
The tears that he had seen in Ben’s eyes now ran over his face.
“Ben… Is there something, anything I can do for you?”
Silence. Then, after Washington had already given up hope. “He laughed that he managed to be first. Beat you at this.”
No! The world is spinning before him. And the words Ben said repeat themselves in his head over and over again. Not just the words he said but also the words he didn’t say. The things he could not put into words. This is a nightmare. It had to be, it had to be! Please, god, please.
Ben’s lips twitch but there is no laughter in the gesture. “He said… You…” He met Washington’s eyes again and suddenly they were filled with fear and betrayal- and hope. But the hope was nearly as quickly gone as he looked away. “That is what you wanted, isn’t it? He said… Back then…” Ben gulped and Washington couldn’t push the thought away that it might be actual vomit he tried to swallow. “This is what you want of me.”
The idea had Washington taste bile. “No!”
“But you…”
Yes, he wanted Ben, couldn’t keep his eyes, but no! That was different, that was… His hands tore through his hair, seeking for support, wishing for… Just for this not to be true. For Ben not to think him a ra… a monster like Arnold. For Ben not to think his love to be like this. With this, Arnold really managed to destroy him. Them, even through there was never a they. He just… He destroyed everything.
What should he say? He needed to say something! Now! Before Ben thought his silence an answer. Ben needed to know the truth, but he couldn’t find words, he couldn’t even think. As he looked down, he saw that his hands in his lap were shaking just as badly as Ben’s.
“I would never hurt you.” He finally pressed out. This is nothing, less than silence, but he couldn’t think of more, of the right words.
He wished he could just sit there with Benjamin, hold him and protect him from the world, but this won’t be working, never will, ever again. He could never hold him like he wanted but now this would be even less possible. Arnold probably took even Ben’s friendship from him and who would want to be friends with a person like him, especially after this trauma?
He owed him an answer and stammering, searching for the right words, he began. “I… Yes, I wanted that- eventually, but, Ben, I love you, I would never hurt you. This is something… It is not the same. I wouldn’t have… forced you, wouldn’t have hurt you. Love is something nice, something different than pain and fear.” But is it? His love put Benjamin in this position. “It would have been sweet and gentle, caring. And we would never have gone farther than what you wanted. But I don’t…” He swallowed and forced the words out. “I just wanted to see you happy. I wished to spent time with you and I would have been overjoyed if I could be part of your happiness, but I am content with knowing, that you are happy- even without me. That is love, Benjamin. It is selfless- and it is so much more than what you experienced under Arnold.”
The thought that Arnold knew his darkest secret and could destroy him with this didn’t even cross his mind, not with Ben before him, softly crying.
“There is nothing nice about… And loving? Who would…” He couldn’t bring himself to complete the sentence, but he didn’t have to. Washington saw the words in his eyes. They hung between them like a wall that no one could ever cross: Who would ever be able to love him after this?
The words broke free like an explosion. “I can- and I do.” Much softer, he continued. “I know, that you are afraid and I would never force you to do something you are uncomfortable with, but I still love you, no matter what Arnold did to you.”
Ben tried to smile. A weak twitching of the corners of his mouth. “You are kind, sir.”
He wasn’t… That was not what he meant! Baby steps. Right now, there were more important things. “Benjamin, are you in pain?”
“No.”
Washington tried to soften his voice even more and hoped to make it sound less frightening. “Do you have any injuries? Anything that needs treatment? The doctor won’t talk, I promise you that and no one will ever know.”
He shook his head.
“Good.” At least he wasn’t beaten or whipped, even though it might be easier for Ben right now. God, the thought alone… “Are you hungry?”
Ben hesitated.
“Eat with me, will you? I will ask Billy to get us something.”
Ben ducked into the covers again when Billy came but he ate. It is not much, but he is chewing mechanically on the bread and cheese Washington gave him. Baby steps, he reminded himself at that view. Baby steps and no pressure. The boy had been through enough. It already is a small miracle that he is back in camp again and allowing Washington near him.
The door was suddenly opened and Washington was startled for a second- but it was no comparison to Ben. The boy jumped with fright, eyes wide and unseeing. It is that look, that has Washington’s stomach coil in fear. “Ben?”
“Sir, we need your assessment on the nomination of a successor of Arnold and Tallmadge.”
The man couldn’t be serious, not with Ben sitting right next to him and still shaking with fear. Washington’s tone matched a death sentence. “What?”
Hamilton was wise enough to take a step back- but he didn’t back down. “Your assessment, sir.”
“Make sure you don’t need it for the nomination of your successor, Hamilton, and now get out of my eyes.”
“Sir…”
“Out!”
Only when the door closed again did Benjamin relax. “Thank you.”
“There is no reason to thank me, Benjamin.”
The smile is small- and it is worth more than any treasure one could think of- and it made him bolder than it should. “Is there anything I could do for you?”
“Could you… talk to me?” Ben looked up at him like a lost puppy and Washington’s heart, fractured in pieces as it is, broke all over again. Talking... He was begging to be talked to- like this would be something he needed to beg for.
“I just… I have problems with the silence and..." His hands curled around the blanket. "Would you?”
They both know what he meant, no reason to name it. Slowly, gently, Washington reached for Ben's hand and gave it a squeeze. “Of course.”
Anything, if it would help him to forget, to heal. I am so sorry Ben.