Chapter Text
baby boy: fuck is taehyung doing here again? seok and me agreed to a day but here he is, a week later, on our couch
baby boy: i think my dick is suffocating
angel: 911 whats your emergency?
baby boy: my fuckin boyfriends best friend is in our living space 24/7 and my dick is drowning please come quick
angel: defibrillator on its way!
baby boy: put that metal shit anywhere near my penis and we’re gonna end up on an episode of snapped
pumpkin: can you all stop bein dramatic fucks tae is goin through some shit, he’ll only be here a few more days
baby boy: min
baby boy: my penis
baby boy: is going to plop off
pumpkin: really? well! guess what yoon? its gonna fuckin stay that way until you be a supportive friend to tae :) seok touch his dick once and all three of us are gonna be on an episode of snapped
angel: damn
angel: if yoons dick is off the menu
angel: is mine todays special?
baby boy: NO WAY THATS NOT FAIR
baby boy: ONE DICK SUFFERS, THEY ALL SUFFER
baby boy: its only courtesy
pumpkin: you know what?
pumpkin: seok meet me in the bathroom
pumpkin: ill let you fuck me on the counter
baby boy: WHAT
baby boy: TAEHYUNG IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH
baby boy: DONT YOU ALL HAVE ANY DIGNITY
pumpkin: no, tae needs support, dont you agree seok? when he wakes up you should give him lots of cuddles! im sure you wont care much about me and seok since you really just appreciate tae and want to help him through this!
pumpkin: right?
baby boy: .....of course :))))))
pumpkin: thanks yoon!
baby boy: min
baby boy: seok
baby boy: BOTH OF YOU
baby boy: I HEAR YOU IN THERE
baby boy: SEOK YOU ARE NEVER THAT NOISY
baby boy: DID HE PUT YOU UP TO THIS
baby boy: !!!!!!!!!!!!
baby boy: OH FUCK YOU BOTH
baby boy: i think my dick just exploded
baby boy: and not in the way I FUCKING ASKED
baby boy: wait
baby boy: taehyung woke up
baby boy: ABORT
baby boy: COULD YOU BE ANY LOUDER SEOK
baby boy: ok fuck you i will fucking cuddle taehyung and my dick will live on and everything will be OKAY
baby boy: taehyung holds me better than both of u combined anyways
***
hotae: can yall like
hotae: UHHHH STFUUUU
hotae: if i hear hoseok scream out ur name one more time i might vomit
hotae: did yall just FUCKING FALL OR SOME SHIT
hotae: WHAT WAS THT BANG
hotae: R U DEAD
hotae: DO I NEED TO COME BRING U BACK TO LIFE
hotae: ALSO real QUICK BEFORE U DIE
hotae: i came here askin for a place to sleep not to take a FUCKIN SEX ED CLASS FROM MY BEST FRIEND
hotae: hope ur wearin protection
platonic bf: shut up it was just us finishing up and cuddle with yoon
hotae: wow YALL LOUD WHAT THE FUSKS I NEVER NEEDED TO KNOW MY WHOLE LIFE I COULDVE GONE W OUT KNOWING
hotae: ok but what u do to yoongi
hotae: he seems on Edge
hotae: u sure he not gonna chomp chomp my dick off
hotae: i think u got him on edge n I AM NOT TAKING CARE OF IT
hotae: NO SIR
hotae: NOPE
hotae: NAH
hotae: GOT GGUK FOR THAT!
platonic bf: okay but you dont
hotae: well fuck u
hotae: ur just mad ur bf likes my cuddles more than urs
platonic bf: Debatable
hotae: not debatable he melts in my fuckin arms bitch UR SHORT ASS ARMS CANT RELATE
platonic bf: do i have to cut off your dick supply too?
hotae: whoa whoa whoa
hotae: Calm down there
hotae: dont Threaten my dick so casually
hotae: ok but hurry up this heart to heart time with yoongis really cute and all but im afraid if someone doesnt touch his dick soon he might pass out
hotae: HES LITERALLT FUCKIGN SWEATING JIMIN MY PLATONIC SOULMATE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF THIS MAN
hotae: FOR ME AND MY OWN SANITY
hotae: ITS PAINFUL TO WATCH
platonic bf: no shut up stop worrying about my bf and worry about making jeongguk yours
hotae: CAN I
hotae: FORGET ABOUT JE*NGG*K for 3 SECONDS
platonic bf: no you talk about him in 80% of our conversations
platonic bf: if i cant escape him no way in hell are you
hotae: this is why i hate u
hotae: n am only usin u for a place to stay
platonic bf: sure
platonic bf: go text him
hotae: i wont
platonic bf: fine then dont bitch the fuck
hotae: fuck u never wanted to be friends with your clingy pushy ass why are you my soulmate the world must rlly hate me
platonic bf: love you too xoxo :*
***
hotae: u kno who i love
Jeon05: No? Your mother? Father?
hotae: no stfu i love You
Jeon05: But not your mom?
hotae: choke on celery bitch
hotae: ...n of course i love my mother u monster
Jeon05: I'm glad.
hotae: u r actually so boring idk how the fuck i fell for ur dumbass
Jeon05: You're serious? You love me?
hotae: i mean... i think
hotae: u make me mushy n all is that not love
Jeon05: I'm thankful you are a supportive friend. I love you too, pal.
hotae: PAL
hotae: MF PAL
hotae: i did not come out of the birth canal for this
Jeon05: Is something wrong? Did i miss anything?
hotae: ur so dense sometimes i really do not kno how to handle u
hotae: i love u dummy like Love You
hotae: ik its fast n all but dont blame me blame u
Jeon05: Yes? And I said I love you too.
hotae: ive rlly had enough
hotae: ykno what
hotae: nvm
hotae: im sure ill get over it one day
Jeon05: Get over what?
hotae: some dumb crush
Jeon05: Oh? You're still infatuated with that guy?
hotae: ig
hotae: its pointless at this point lmao
hotae: rip to my mf heart
Jeon05: Don't give up! :)
hotae: u r literally supportive in the worst moments n ugly to me in the best
hotae: i rlly despise u
Jeon05: I thought you said you love me.
hotae: ya
hotae: its starting to become an annoying flaw ab me
***
Jeon05: Question.
hotae: ?
Jeon05: How do you feel about kids?
hotae: the fuc k
hotae: look buddy i know i wanna jump on ur dick n all but
hotae: idk how to put this lightly
hotae: we both have DICKS
hotae: and kids is goin a lil too fast for me i mean......
hotae: i just wanted ur dick not the commitment ykno
Jeon05: Yeah, because you want that with someone else.
hotae: w hat
Jeon05: Commitment. You want it with that other guy.
hotae: oh ya.. hahahhahha Ya I Forgot
Jeon05: Anyways, I did not mean to imply we would be having kids, just your thoughts on them in general.
hotae: well idk
hotae: i have younger nephews n ig theyre ok
hotae: its not like i want them all in a 50 yard radius away from me
hotae: why tf u askin in the first place
Jeon05: Oh, I have a kid.
hotae: YA FUKCING WHAT M8
hotae: U HAVE A WHAT
Jeon05: A kid.
Jeon05: A child.
hotae: oh YOU REALLY ARE AN OLD MAN DUHEWH
hotae: ok,,,ok
hotae: Cool., ig
hotae: whats their name
Jeon05: His name is Daeho.
hotae: cute
hotae: omg...
hotae: i could like... babysit for u
hotae: im good w kids i Swear
Jeon05: Hmm, maybe.
Jeon05: Don't you think we'd have to meet first?
hotae: UDVBFBHBFJN FUFK
hotae: u rlly wanna MEET?????? SERIOUSLY
Jeon05: Yes.
hotae: IM MF DOWN WHEN N WHERE
hotae: N DO I NEED TO BRING LUBE
Jeon05: Soon? I don't know, we can work out the details later.
Jeon05: And no lube. Or condoms.
hotae: bareback we go then
Jeon05: No, no sexual activities will be happening.
hotae: damn i tried
Jeon05: When will you learn you always will fail?
hotae: stfu old man
Jeon05: Ok, well I have to go. Fatherly duties call.
hotae: Alright.
***
hotae: omg min
platonic bf: what
hotae: gguk he has
hotae: he has
platonic bf: he has a what
platonic bf: it should not take this long to answer a q
hotae: A KID
hotae: HE HAS A KID.
platonic bf: oh Damn
hotae: AND
platonic bf: what ELSE WTFD
hotae: WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE MEETING SOON N I MAY OR MAY NOT BE FREAKING OUT
platonic bf: OH FUCK