Chapter Text
Rubatosis (n.)
The unsettling awareness of your own heart beat.
(THE DICTIONARY OF OBSCURE SORROWS)
His eyes opened slowly and he registered where he was. He was curled up in a bed, in a room similar to his, yet different. The curtains were draped over the windows, making it dark. At least he didn’t have to face a bright light. The blanket and sheets smelled different as well. Moreover his throat and head hurt. His throat was dry as if he had swallowed dust last night. He tried to sit upright, supporting his weight against the bed. He rubbed his temples. How long was he out?
“You’re awake?”
Keiji’s eyes found Koutarou seated at a desk. He got up and went to the kitchen only to return with a water bottle and medicine. Keiji squinted a little before he took the water and gulped it down. He inhaled deeply and leaned against the wall. His throat felt a little better. However he felt disgusting. His clothes had the faint smell of sweat and his face felt oily. He arched his back a little to stretch and pushed away the blanket on top of him.
Koutarou was observing him from the bed across, his gaze shifted to the ground when Keiji noticed.
“Bokuto san.”
Koutarou looked back towards Keiji, his eyes still having that glimmer and his smile returned. “Yeah what’s up Akaashi?”
“How did I get here? Is this your room?” Keiji asked, studying his surroundings more carefully.
“Oh, it’s a funny story. You were drunk, a light weight aren’t you? Any who I felt as if you might not like waking up to someone you might not even know or you might end up on the street… Just looking out for you… so I brought you back to my room.” Koutarou replied, laughing in between.
Keiji felt his eyelids droop. He still felt tired for some reason. At least Koutarou didn’t let him do anything stupid. He would have regretted it greatly. He returned his gaze back to Koutarou who was playing with his fingers and then shot up suddenly.
“Let me just write this conclusion.” Koutarou made way to his desk and began typing on his laptop. “I can’t believe I actually finished this baby last night. While being buzzed! And it still sounds great.”
“That’s nice.”
Koutarou grinned at him for a second before he returned to type. “Do you have any idea what kind of drunken texts and snaps I’ve been getting last night? Man, must’ve been one hell of a party.”
“Really?” Keiji asked even though he wasn’t really interested. His head throbbed a little and he drank more water. A word kept on repeating in his mind and Keiji was unsure of where he had used it.
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
“Yeah like Oikawa and Iwaizumi entered the party late but Oikawa managed to snap the whole game of Never have I ever. Man that one was funny.”
J pop music suddenly began playing and Koutarou quickly grabbed the phone on the desk.
“Rise and shine?” Koutarou greeted and mouthed ‘Kuroo’ to Keiji. “Yeah, hmm, okay…” Koutarou turned the setting on speaker and Keiji heard the hoarse voice belonging to the person on the other line.
“…And now I think I’m in Kenma’s dorm, Kenma is here with me and ugh my head.”
“Kind of makes me glad I didn’t drink.” Koutarou commented as he walked over to the cupboard which probably belonged to his roommate.
“And if we’re in Kenma’s dorm… wait…oh shit. I think we fucked in Akaashi’s bed…”
Keiji’s eyes widened in surprise and Koutarou laughed loudly.
“Not funny bro, Akaashi isn’t even here where is he, god damn it.” Kuroo hissed.
“Bro, he’s right here with me.”
“What… dude did you and…”
“No, no, he was drunk and,” Koutarou flung a t shirt on the bed before giving Keiji a wink, “He just looked that sexy at that time, I didn’t want anyone to exploit that. If I was doing anything, it was my paper. I brought back Akaashi for selfless yet selfish reasons.”
Keiji felt blood rushing up his face. Koutarou was just baselessly flirting with him and it was in his nature. He wasn’t really interested in Keiji. Of course not and besides Keiji should have been used to this side of Koutarou by now.
“Dude that makes no sense and it sounds creepy.” Kuroo commented.
“Well I’ve had my phone on speaker for quite a while and Akaashi knows you came on his bed.”
“What.”
“It’s alright Kuroo san. You can put the sheets to one side.” Keiji said calmly.
“Akaashi kun I am so sorry-.”
“Shut up Tetsu.” A small voice drawled out. Probably Kenma’s.
“Take your time Kuroo san. It’s okay.”
“Also Akaashi will be wearing your clothes.” Koutarou chimed in.
“Yeah fine okay I’m sorry.” Kuroo said at last and hung up.
Koutarou handed him a t shirt and jeans. “I don’t think my size will fit you, and I mostly wear loose clothes. Kuroo on the other hand likes things fit, so this might work.”
Keiji opened his mouth to argue that no really its fine and he could do without them when Koutarou ruffled his hair.
“Go take a bath and change. Trust me you’ll feel a lot better. Personal experience.” Koutarou helped Keiji up and then sat back on his chair. “Let me just send this and you come back up. Then we’ll have breakfast.”
“Bokuto san, you really don’t have to.”
“Nah, it’ll take time for Kuroo and Kenma to come back to their senses okay? Besides, breakfast is important even if its,” He paused to check the clock, “Noon!”
When Keiji returned back from taking a shower and feeling much better like Koutarou had said, they both headed out for the university café. It was still unnerving to walk alongside Koutarou after he had flirted with him and his head would hurt a little as the same word repeated inside.
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
Koutarou was narrating his experiences about the parties in his freshman year and how he had ‘screwed up big time’ to ‘that one awesome night’ to ‘almost getting caught for being too high on smoking.’ As Keiji pushed the door open, he was welcomed by the scent of coffee and baked goods. A blonde girl was wiping the counter and save for a couple of people the café was empty.
That still didn’t stop Koutarou from being as loud as ever.
“Yachi san! Didn’t see you last night!”
The girl jumped and with wide eyes she faced their direction. Keiji took in a deep breath as they were right at the counter.
“Bokuto san! H-hi! Don’t scare me like that!” The girl stuttered. “And yes I didn’t go. I had an assignment to do.”
Koutarou grinned on hearing this and raised his hand, “High five! Same! Well I left early after a few drinks but for an assignment.”
The girl ‘Yachi Hitoka’ as her tag read returned the high five. “That’s rare… after all I’ve heard about you.”
“Shhh… those were first year times, I’m very serious now.”
“He’s not.” Keiji cut in.
Yachi blinked a few times before she giggled as Koutarou’s mouth hung open.
“Akaashi!” Koutarou sounded as if he was deeply hurt.
“I’ll have a cappuccino with extra froth… and a blueberry muffin.” Keiji went on unaffected. He didn’t mean to sound rude but he needed the caffeine. His head wouldn’t stop tumbling about.
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
“What about you Bokuto san?” Yachi asked.
“Latte and that chocolate donut with sprinkles.” Koutarou huffed out. “Also, it’s on me.”
Keiji glanced at him, “No it’s not. I’ll pay for my own Bokuto san.”
“Where’s your wallet?” Koutarou asked with a playful smirk.
Oh. Right. He was wearing Kuroo’s clothes. Of course.
Keiji sighed. “Fine.”
Yachi laughed. “Are you two together?”
Koutarou and Keiji both glanced towards each other before they averted their gazes.
“Aww come on Yachi san, just because I come with someone together doesn’t mean I’m dating them!”
“Hmm.” Yachi went to the machines. “Whatever you say. Anyone would think you both are a couple though…n-not that they would judge!”
Koutarou chuckled and Keiji tried to look away and concentrate on something else. But what? He could think further for his story but with his current condition he didn’t believe he would actually be very creative. He needed the caffeine to wake up.
They were soon seated on a table to the side. Koutarou kept on talking about his volleyball matches, unaffected by the comment from Yachi earlier. Granted there was nothing to be affected about it anyways, she was just observing like any other human being would, but it still made Keiji nervous. He took a sip from his coffee and winced. It was hotter than he had expected and he had burnt his tongue. He took a bite off the cupcake instead.
“How are you feeling?”
The question caught Keiji off guard. “Sorry?”
Koutarou cleared his throat and repeated, “How are you feeling, better?”
Mine. Mine. Mine. Mine.
He could lie. He could say that he was perfectly fine now, but the words would not leave him.
“Bokuto san, did I say anything strange last night? Something along the words of ‘mine’?” Keiji asked, rubbing his temples.
Koutarou laughed dryly. “You didn’t say anything strange Akaashi! You’ll get the bits and pieces in a few hours but don’t worry!” His eyes were no longer fixated on Keiji and he heard Koutarou’s feet shuffle.
Keiji raised his brow and decided to leave it at that. Koutarou was the one who was acting strange right now. It only made Keiji more suspicious. Something probably went wrong and he was hiding it. He could only hope that Koutarou was right about his memory coming back in a while.
However, a feeling tugged at him. Did he really need to know last night’s events?
“Oh! Hey do you like documentaries?” Koutarou exclaimed loudly.
Keiji blinked at the sudden out burst and replied quietly, “I guess I do, I’m not very picky.”
“Awesome okay, do you like owls?”
“They’re interesting birds.”
“I know right!” Koutarou grinned, “Okay look, you know the movie rental store besides the library? My bro Asahi works there and he told me they just got five owl documentaries. Five, can you believe?! Asahi was the tall one with the man bun by the way in the party, he’s such a shy guy and amazing as well because he just kept all the documentaries aside for me!”
Keiji tried to remember this Asahi from the party but he couldn’t produce any results from his memory. It frustrated him a little. He made a mental note to never drink again. His body was just not cut out for it.
Koutarou was now fiddling with his thumbs and he grinned widely before he began to speak again.
“I was wondering… do you want to watch them with me next Saturday?”
Keiji looked at him in surprise. Of all people, and all times, he was not expecting an invitation. Why was Koutarou even being that nice to him? Was there any ulterior motive behind him being sweet to Keiji?
“Ack!” Koutarou smacked his head, “I forgot you have a calculus test next week! I’m sorry Akaashi I should have remembered!”
He looked comical with his hands in his already wild hair as he mumbled ‘stupid stupid stupid’ under his breath. Keiji could not help but let a small laugh escape his lips. He could say yes. There was going to be no harm anyways, as long as no drinks were involved. He would even get some good information about owls; his character based on Koutarou did seem like an owl, he would be able to get hold of some research. It was a win-win situation to be honest.
“I’ve already started practicing Bokuto san, so I think I can come over to watch the documentaries with you.” Keiji replied slowly and carefully.
Koutarou’s eyes widened and his teeth flashed. “Are you sure? Oh my god Akaashi you’re awesome like Kuroo won’t even watch stuff like this with me! Hey maybe we can switch roommates like you come over while Kuroo stays at your dorm!” His voice was now low in a whisper and Keiji glanced a bit around the café wondering if there was someone Koutarou did not want near them, “We’ll be all sneaky so that the wardens don’t notice like some detective movie!”
“Very well Bokuto san.”
As they finished the last of their coffees, they made their way back to the dorms.
“You know, I actually have a few calculus notes in my dorm. Do you have class in room 14?” Koutarou asked, skipping on the pavement while Keiji followed him.
“Yes I do, how did you know?” Keiji asked, while trying to look as normal as possible while wearing the clothes still big for him.
“Lucky guess. Ikari san teaches in that room. He never changes the first semester pattern of the test okay like I was lucky enough to have Iwaizumi as my senior; I got his notes and aced the class.”
“Really?”
Koutarou smiled widely back at him, his gold eyes burning with excitement. “Yeah! And you’re lucky you have me! You can have my notes!”
“That’s very thoughtful of you Bokuto san. I never really took you for keeping notes safe.” Keiji commented at which Koutarou pouted.
“I’m a serious guy Akaashi… you’re all so mean! I’m actually good in math and calculations. Only the theory throws me off from time to time okay.” He huffed out and then took out his phone. “Kuroo and Kenma have changed your bed sheets apparently.” He smirked at Keiji who averted his gaze. He still had not thought of how to deal with looking at Kenma again.
“Well let’s just get my clothes and the notes.”
“Please don’t let Kuroo live this one down Akaashi. Give him hell!” Koutarou laughed out loud.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to do that.” Keiji replied but he found himself grinning as well.
Kuroo seemed to have left their dorm before Keiji entered, carrying his own clothes and a bundle of calculus notes Koutarou had insisted he referred to for the test. He saw Kenma seated on the couch playing Love Live on his phone. Keiji awkwardly walked to his own bed and kept his things carefully on it.
“Sorry about that.”
Keiji turned around and saw Kenma looking up from his phone, a slight pink dusted on his cheeks. His eyes were focused on Keiji’s and Keiji noticed that they did not avoid eye contact.
“It’s really fine.” Keiji began, “I’m not angry or anything. These things happen.”
He saw Kenma’s shoulders relax and the game was resumed on his phone. “I told Kuroo it was the wrong bed last night but he didn’t listen. Where were you by the way?”
“I was in Bokuto’s dorm. I passed out or something I don’t remember and then we went for breakfast.” Keiji replied. He really couldn’t hide anything from Kenma. It just felt perfectly fine to tell him about every single detail of his life.
“Interesting.”
Keiji laughed dryly as he sat next to Kenma on the couch. “There’s nothing interesting about that.”
“You’re happy. Something happened.”
Keiji sighed. “I may have been asked to watch owl documentaries with him.”
The level completed tune filled their room and Kenma glanced at Keiji. “So you got asked out on a date basically.”
“More like he wanted company and Kuroo san does not like documentaries. I don’t think he’s interested in me. No one is.”
Kenma clicked his tongue and mumbled, “You’re an idiot.”
Keiji typed in the next scenario in his story after finishing his studies later in the night. Kenma was fast asleep and the only light source was from the laptop itself on Keiji’s desk. He began to visualize Koutarou’s character but instead of an alien creature with features unlike a human, Keiji found gold eyes widened with confusion as a voice echoed in his head and it sounded familiar. Two hands cupped the face before and he heard himself.
Keiji cringed. He got up from his seat and paced around. This wasn’t possible, he had held Koutarou’s face last night and to make matters worse… he had declared Koutarou as his…
How would he face Koutarou the next day, Keiji did not know. His heart beat loudly and he could feel as if it would fall off any moment.
“You fucked up Keiji.” He whispered as he pressed his forehead against the wall.
He stayed in bed the next day.
Keiji woke up at seven to his alarm buzzing. He yawned and reached out for his phone. It had been on silent and he saw four calls and a text from Koutarou.
>From: Bokuto san
Akaashi? U ok? Txt me wen u read dis \(0v0)/
Keiji didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to reply actually. How could he face Koutarou anyways? Hence the text was forgotten as Keiji attended his lectures and avoided the halls where he could potentially meet up with the volleyball team.
He caught a glimpse of Daichi in the hallways but since the other man’s head was in a book while walking, Keiji was able to steer away from him. His phone still felt heavy in his pocket. He had to reply soon.
“Yeah but what do you want to talk to me about?” Koutarou’s voice ringed from the corridor Keiji was about to enter. He froze in his steps, his back against the wall as he heard two people talking, one being Koutarou.
“About who you left with… are you both?” A male voice which Keiji didn’t recognize asked slowly.
“No? Why are you so concerned anyways Saru?”
“Hmm oh? Nothing just curious.” The ‘Saru’ chuckled. “Whatever look at the time don’t you have a class?”
“Shit.”
Keiji quickly took out his notebook and held it straight to cover his face as Koutarou ran past him. He slowly lowered it and let out a relieved sigh. As he entered the other corridor, he made eye contact with a boy who leaned against the wall, studying him with his droopy eyes, smiling a bit, his hair short and curly. Keiji increased his pace, staring ahead instead of the person.
Back in his dorm, he took out his phone and began to text Koutarou. What would he even reply with? He paced around and thought hard. At the end he came up with a reasonable response.
>To: Bokuto san
I overslept so I could not join you. Sorry for worrying you. Also I apologize for that night. I did not intend to make you uncomfortable, sorry.
He sent it and prayed silently that Koutarou would forgive him. Within a minute since Keiji had sent the text, his phone began to ring. Keiji was startled by the ringtone and looked at the screen. It was a call from Koutarou. He breathed in and answered it.
“Hello.”
“Akaashi oh my god you were shy because of that?!” Koutarou’s loud voice caused Keiji to wince a bit.
Before he could reply Koutarou started talking again, “Look you don’t need to feel awkward, I would have told you myself but I didn’t know how to phrase it! Like I don’t know how I’d break it to you! ‘Hey Akaashi you were drunk last night and you claimed ownership of me.’ That sounds weird so I’m sorry!”
“I still made you uneasy…” Keiji trailed off remembering the way how Koutarou looked away when he had asked him about the night.
He heard a laugh from the other line. “There was this time last year when Kuroo and I were so drunk at this senior party we made out. Like full on kissing and what not. When we came to our senses we avoided each other for a whole month I mean imagine making out with the person you think of as a brother! That was uneasy. So don’t worry too much.”
Keiji found himself smiling. “Thank you Bokuto san.”
“You’re coming tomorrow right? For the run I mean.” Koutarou added.
“Yes.”
“Awesome. See you later Akaashi!” Koutarou hung up.
He collapsed on his bed and shut his eyes. He put his hand over his chest and felt his heart beating wildly. If anyone was in the same room as him they would have seen his hands quivering while he talked with Koutarou. It made him feel grateful that this conversation was on the phone rather face to face. He would have been unable to hide his nervousness on his face. At least this was off his shoulders.
He sat back up and went to his desk to turn on his laptop. Since the whole issue was resolved he could write with a clear mind again. He could paint that wall with gold again. He began to form the dialogues in his head; he had to write about Koutarou’s character and his solo mission. And yet… he found himself writing about an individual with curly hair and droopy eyes luring Koutarou’s character into a trap.
He slapped his forehead and then sunk back in his chair. He was supposed to paint his wall gold not black! He groaned and cursed at no one in particular.
Bokuto Koutarou. Male. A year older than Keiji. Bisexual. Economics major. Terrible flirt. Has mood swings which vary in intensity. Volleyball player. Likes to give advice. Forgives easily.
And he currently occupies Keiji’s every thought.
Sempiternal (adj.)
Eternal and unchanging; everlasting.
(OXFORD DICTIONARY)
The week had passed peacefully. The next day since Keiji and Koutarou’s conversation on the phone, Keiji readied himself for questions from the volleyball team the next morning. However no one asked. Even Lev talked about something else and the others just greeted him like the usual days.
It was a relief yet a little suspicious. Keiji wondered if they knew. But the jovial atmosphere in the morning run with the others made him forget his nervousness as he smiled a little as Kuroo and Koutarou both narrated a funny story from their graduation ceremony in high school.
It was Saturday night and Keiji fumbled around with his clothes. In the end he decided on a red t shirt and his comfy black pants. He didn’t bother taking anything along with him besides his phone. They were going to be up the whole night considering Koutarou’s mood to watch all five of the owl documentaries.
He ran his fingers through his hair while checking his reflection again and checked his breath subconsciously.
“You’re going to be late.” Kuroo chimed in.
Keiji glanced at the tall man before he put on his sneakers. “I’m leaving now. You can wait a little you know, Kenma’s not going anywhere.” He tried his best not to laugh as he saw Kuroo’s face. The poor guy was gaping before he coughed.
“We’re not always into that, Bo just gets very impatient.” He huffed out.
“Of course. Not my bed tonight if you guys do.” He gave him a small smile before heading out feeling Kuroo’s gaze on his back. Koutarou would love to hear about this.
“Akaashi! Finally!” Koutarou made way for Keiji to enter the dorm.
The dorm was cleaner and more organized than the last time Keiji was here. He took off his shoes and followed Koutarou towards the television where the other fumbled around with the DVDs.
“There’s pizza in the microwave by the way.” Koutarou looked up at Keiji, his gold eyes burning with excitement.
Keiji broke away from his gaze and nodded. He turned towards the kitchen to retrieve it. “I hope there are no drinks involved tonight.” He called out from the kitchen. The last thing he wanted was his drunk self taking Koutarou as his character again.
“Nah, there’s orange juice instead if you like.” Koutarou replied from the other room.
Soon they both sat on the carpet; instead of the couch Keiji noticed Koutarou had bean bags instead. It fit him and Kuroo somehow. The opening credits of the documentary started playing and Keiji felt Koutarou nudge closer to him. He could smell his aftershave and he felt his neck grow warmer. He really shouldn’t notice these small details.
“This one is my fave.” Koutarou whispered as he pointed at the small owl. “The Bubo virginianus, it really speaks to me.”
Keiji looked at the screen which showed the great horned owl and then slowly looked at Koutarou. “I have a feeling you’ve watched this one before…”
His mouth formed into a smile. “Guilty as charged.”
One documentary turned into two and then three. Keiji felt Koutarou’s gaze on him from time to time. He wasn’t very subtle about it though. It became obvious after a few times Keiji shifted he saw from the corner of his eye Koutarou quickly turning his face towards the screen. Keiji assumed Koutarou wanted to make sure he was watching the documentaries with interest. They were very useful to Keiji, he found out a lot about owl behavior and he knew he could use it as a basis for a new species in his story. However it was hard to concentrate when those eyes studied him from time to time.
It was on the fourth one about barn owls when Keiji felt a yawn escape his lips. Not from boredom, but he was sleepy. He heard a soft snore. He turned and saw Koutarou fast asleep, leaning against the bean bag with his arms crossed. He looked so peaceful and so…
“Quiet.” Keiji whispered before he felt his lips twitch upwards. It had been quite a while since he was in Koutarou’s presence where silence hung between them. He recalled the last time was probably when he first met Koutarou in the dorm showers. Which led him to wonder if Koutarou lived in the second year building, why did he shower in the first year building?
He decided to leave that question for later and leaned back against his own bean bag to continue watching the documentary.
He woke up to an alarm buzzing. He didn’t bother opening his eyes and tried to reach out for the source of the noise. He wondered when he fell asleep and why he had some weight on his stomach. His hand found the vibrating phone and peered at it. The alarm had been buzzing for the last twenty minutes on Koutarou’s phone. Keiji groaned. Who sets an alarm of six in the morning on a Sunday?
On the thought of Koutarou, he looked besides him. He then found the source of the weight. Somehow both of them during the night had slipped from their bean bags on to the carpet. Koutarou apparently moved a lot in his sleep given his arm was around Keiji’s waist and his legs were entangled with his.
Keiji got up, moving Koutarou’s arm away and shook the sleeping man’s shoulder.
“Bokuto san.”
“Huh…five more minutes…Let me defeat this guy…” Koutarou mumbled.
“Bokuto san your alarm went off twenty minutes ago.” Keiji said a little louder with another shake.
Koutarou opened his eyes slowly and then shot up wiping his drool. “Oh no.”
He got up and ran towards his closet tearing out a few clothes till he found his volleyball uniform.
“Bokuto san?” Keiji called out as the other man ran his hands through his hands worriedly cursing.
Koutarou whipped his head towards him which made Keiji get on his feet as well.
“Ah Akaashi I had an extra practice and shit I have like ten minutes to reach the court! I overslept!” Koutarou exclaimed as he picked up his shirt and pants.
“Then you shouldn’t have invited me then.” Keiji muttered and then added, “How can I help?”
Koutarou was already stripping off his shirt and Keiji had to hold in his squeak as he saw how built Koutarou really was.
Look away Keiji, look away…
“There’s a bag under my bed, can you put in a shirt and any pant or shorts please? And my phone.” He ran to the toilet and then called out from there as well, “And my keys on the desk!”
Keiji walked swiftly to Koutarou’s bed and took out the bag. He ran to the closet and ended up choosing a white sleeveless t shirt with an owl and khaki Bermuda shorts. He felt a thought creep up to him as he folded them: Would he really want others to see Koutarou’s built body, the shirt would give people an idea…Keiji shook his head. He wiped the thin line of sweat off his upper lip; it was a hot day today so obviously Koutarou would prefer something light, and besides other people had seen his body, not just him. He had no reason to even think of that. He shrugged the thought off. Just ridiculousness conjured from an empty mind.
He folded the clothes and kept them in and ran to the carpet and the desk to get Koutarou’s phone and keys respectively. The phone began ringing in his hand and Koutarou emerged from the toilet, his face dripping wet from splashing water hurriedly. Keiji glanced at the screen to see Kuroo’s name on it and gave him the phone.
“It’s from Kuroo san.”
Koutarou fumbled a bit with it before answering. “Yo! Yeah I’m up I’m up! It just slipped… I’m literally on the street!” He shouted as he drummed his fingers against the desk thinking of something and looking around as if trying to figure out what to do next.
Keiji slipped into the kitchen and opened a cabinet. He found granola bars and took out one, closing the cabinet and moved closer to the counter making way for Koutarou to enter who stumbled a bit before grabbing a glass.
“Careful Bokuto san.” Keiji said opening the fridge for Koutarou to take out the bottle of water and then closing it.
Koutarou gulped it down, wiped his lips and ran out to the corridor to put on his socks and shoes.
“Bokuto san, at least eat this on the way. Don’t practice with an empty stomach.” He held out the granola bar which Koutarou took as he tied his laces.
He then dusted his jacket before grinning at Keiji. “You make yourself at home. We have coffee in the kitchen drawer and mugs in the other cabinet. Lock the dorm when you leave ‘kay?”
“Yes Bokuto san.” Keiji replied crossing his arms. “You’re running late.”
Koutarou laughed. “Yeah, by this time I won’t be surprised if Sawamura skins me.” He opened the packet of the granola bar and flashed Keiji another smile. “Seriously, we were so in sync right now. It seems as if we’re like a married couple knowing each other’s steps, isn’t that strange? I liked it though. See ya!” Koutarou opened the door and ran out.
“Unfair.” Keiji muttered as he felt his heart skip a beat at Koutarou’s statement.
He decided to sleep a little on Koutarou’s bed. It was still far too early for a Sunday. As he stretched his arms and made way to the bed he found himself looking at the bag. Keiji covered his face. In all that hurry they both forgot about the bag.
He quickly opened the window and saw Koutarou already out of the building but close enough for Keiji to run and give the bag.
He grabbed the bag and glanced at his shoes. He didn’t have time to tie them if he had to catch up with Koutarou’s speed. He dashed out of the room barefoot.
The pavement was hot, even when it was early morning. He still didn’t stop. He could see Koutarou now a little.
“Bokuto san! Your bag! Bokuto san!” Keiji shouted, gasping for breath as he tried to catch up.
Koutarou who was running suddenly halted and then checked his hands. Keiji hoped he had realized by now that he was missing something. He then saw Koutarou turn quickly towards him with his face in shock.
“Bokuto san!” Keiji shouted again, his legs giving up. Running down the stairs wasn’t the best idea, Keiji observed as he tried to breathe.
He saw Koutarou break into a sprint and in no time he was before Keiji.
“Your… bag…” Keiji gasped out as he held it out to Koutarou.
“Akaashi.” Koutarou’s eyes gleamed in the daylight as they flickered towards his feet. He then pushed Keiji gently on the grass from the sidewalk and took his bag.
“You’re a lifesaver.” He whispered, loud enough for Keiji to hear. His expression was unreadable as his gold eyes burned into his dark ones and his lips were pressed in a thin line. “There’s burn medicine on Kuroo’s side, put that on when you go back and walk on the grass. Don’t do anything that rash; you might get blisters on your feet. ” He then did something unexpected. He leaned in and kissed Keiji’s cheek before breaking into a run again. “Thanks!” He shouted as he slung the bag on his shoulder, running as fast as he could.
Keiji didn’t know how to process it all. His fingers grazed his cheek, feeling the small crumbs of the granola bar on his skin.
He let out an exasperated noise. How will he paint this situation? Life suddenly felt so complex. Too many walls appeared and Keiji felt overwhelmed. The colors were all jumbled up and messy.
There was only one question that rung in his mind:
Why did he ever think it was a good idea to accept Koutarou’s invitation?
The air between them had definitely changed. On their morning runs which followed the incident, Keiji noticed Koutarou had become nervous around him. Uneasy, was the word Keiji preferred in this situation. Whenever he looked at Koutarou, the other just increased his pace as if to avoid eye contact completely.
The others had noticed it as well. They would sneak glances at both of them or would try to make them talk to each other but Koutarou seemed to just reply with a few sentences or such. None of them had asked Keiji what the matter was which made Keiji wonder; do they know?
He remembered after the kiss, he had nearly tripped on the stairs and then on entering the dorm he did what Koutarou had told him to do; he reached towards Kuroo’s drawers and took out the medicine, applied it to his feet and treaded to the carpet to sleep for a few more hours. After that, there was no way Keiji was going to sleep on Koutarou’s bed. He needed to forget, to brush it off as a mere gesture of gratitude but somewhere in his mind, he thought otherwise.
At present he decided to initiate a proper conversation with Koutarou as he dried the other’s hair. It had become a routine between them since the first day and they had talked a lot during those sessions. Silence now hung between them in the past few days. Keiji wanted to end it.
“I passed my calculus test with full marks Bokuto san, your notes helped a lot.”
“Really? That’s awesome glad I could be of help! Or my notes.” Koutarou laughed a bit.
“I haven’t heard much from you lately.” Keiji said casually as he turned off the dryer.
“I’ve just got a few things on my mind lately… I’ll talk more to you soon okay?” Koutarou gave him small smile as he began to apply his hair gel.
Keiji sighed. “As you wish Bokuto san.”
He knew something was definitely wrong with Koutarou when he entered the dorm showers. There was no shower running, no singing in the room and when he stepped into his cubicle with the shower on he did not hear the loud voice ask him like everyday;
“Hey, hey, hey Akaashi! You’re here?”
He swallowed uneasily as he wondered what he did wrong. Was it because he didn’t acknowledge the incident on that one Sunday morning? As he lathered soap on his body he tried to fight back the questions and his thoughts. Was Koutarou acting this way because of him?
When he got dressed and left the building for his run, he slowed his steps as he neared Koutarou who seemed to be waiting for someone.
“Bokuto san?” Keiji questioned, glancing around to expect someone coming their way.
“Ah! Akaashi! Let’s go for our run?” Koutarou grinned and he began jogging.
“You weren’t there in the showers.” Keiji blurted out.
“Aha yeah about that, there was a free shower today, normally it’s always packed in the mornings so I come to the first year building.” Koutarou replied sheepishly.
There was silence again.
“Where are the others?” Keiji noted as he did not see anyone from the volleyball team join them.
“Who knows?” Koutarou chuckled, his brows furrowed as if he was expecting something to happen soon.
As they jogged further, Keiji became more uneasy. Where was Kuroo, Daichi or even Lev? He swallowed; something felt off.
Koutarou suddenly halted and Keiji stopped as well. The other man shuffled his feet a bit and then folded his arms to only unfold them again. He took in a deep breath and grinned at Keiji, his gold eyes smiling at him.
“Akaashi… I think you’re owlsome and since day one,” He licked his lips as he stepped closer and took Keiji’s hand in his and directed it to his own chest. Keiji felt his heart beating fast and swore his own had sped up that instant. “Since day one my heart has been hooting to get your attention. If you feel the same way, just give me a coo?”
Keiji broke into a smile, “That’s a terrible line Bokuto san…”
“Hey it was a good one!”
Keiji looked at the smiling man before him. It was so easy… to say yes. He could do so and maybe they would be just like Keiji’s small fantasies. Along the way he too had realized what he wanted from Koutarou. The kiss on the cheek which had been pushed to the side would ring back in his head from time to time and then he decided to amuse the idea of Koutarou taking interest in him.
Then the small fantasies came; sharing food together, studying together and sharing fleeting kisses. Then noticing couples and wondering whether he and Koutarou would ever be like that. Those fantasies were always pushed aside but they’d sneak in from time to time.
The day when he woke up and held his head in his hands, feeling every inch of his face heat up as he remembered the details of his dream, he knew he was in too deep.
As he grew to know more about Koutarou and told himself it was only research, he found himself admiring his traits.
Somewhere along the way he had fallen in love with Koutarou.
And now he had the chance to make everything true. He could give it a try, give them a chance. All he had to do was say yes, to slide his arms around the other’s neck and maybe close the distance. Like out of some book or story. It was so simple and yet he felt himself shaking. A weight was put on his heart; it felt so heavy. Why was it so heavy?
The hand against Koutarou’s chest was slowly pulled away rather than in his hair. His feet took a step back instead of closing the distance between their bodies. Instead of a yes, he heard himself saying something different:
“I’m sorry can you please give me more time?” Before he could see Koutarou’s face, he broke into a run to the opposite direction. He didn’t hear anyone running behind him but he didn’t look back. His eyes began to sting and he inwardly cursed himself. He could have just said ‘yes’! Everything would have turned out fine that way!
His run slowed to a walk as he made way to the area behind the computer science department building. It was still early morning so there were no people around. He let himself fall on his knees. He was tired. Tired of everything. Since how long was Koutarou in his life? Since when did he become so important to Keiji?
“It was just an observation.” Keiji choked out as he rubbed his eyes. He never had break downs. He would seal away those emotions. His feelings never mattered in the first place anyways. And yet now tears threatened to fall and all those frustrations he had locked now burst free.
It was just an observation of Koutarou, an acceptance of a new idea from a real person. And yet Keiji found himself having a muse. It was still fine like that. He was perfectly comfortable with their relationship like that; a relationship only Keiji acknowledged. Tears now streamed down his cheeks. He ruined the chance of a perfect moment. He had always been a failure. His grades were just an act to tell his parents that he was perfectly fine even if they had crushed his dream to write.
Literature? He remembered his father spit the word out when Keiji mentioned the course. He could never forget his mother’s disappointed gaze and he knew all his dreams were over. A more successful route was chosen for him and he decided to stick with that. After all an alternate universe fantasy might not let him survive the cruel reality of the world. That he needed to be more present after all; not in this Sci-Fi shit.
Stick to what your parents tell you, they know best.
What they didn’t know was that Keiji’s world had crumbled. His ideas, his hopes, his form of expression… an opportunity to truly show others his feelings, to hope other people found solace in his works… all gone. There was no wall to paint in that road. Not anymore.
What they didn’t know was that they had locked this boy away. Made him scared to make decisions for himself and only expecting his choices to backfire. That he’ll never know for sure if what he will decide is perfectly fine. That he’ll always have those two words rushing to him with a horrible scenario.
What if?
What if he and Koutarou didn’t work out? What if he gets hurt in this process? What if he hurts Koutarou in this relationship? What if they can’t manage the emotions? What if there are secrets? What if there is cheating even though Koutarou isn’t that type?
What if Keiji never deserved Koutarou’s love in the first place and Koutarou realized it during their relationship later? What if this dream, this fantasy with Koutarou only existed for a few weeks and then the spark fades away?
That’s why his heart was so heavy. He was so clouded in doubt. The scenarios kept on coming telling him that he should go back and tell Koutarou he’s sorry. That they should just be friends and that he was not worth being Koutarou’s partner.
He breathed in and out slowly, wiped the last of his tears and got up to his feet. He’ll just go back to Koutarou to tell him he can’t. His treaded towards the place he left Koutarou, expecting Koutarou to be seated probably talking to Kuroo on the phone, in his moods again.
There was no Koutarou when he reached the area. He felt a giggle escape him as his eyes stung once more. What was he expecting? Why would Koutarou even wait for him? He was just an opportunity anyways for Koutarou. There were plenty of fish in the sea. Why on earth did Keiji think he was special? Because of the owl reference?
“I’m an idiot.” He said loudly, a laugh accompanying it and tears clouded his vision.
How will you paint this situation Keiji?
…there is nothing to paint anymore.
“Well your fever is near normal now. Still feeling weak though Keiji?” A woman dressed sharply with her long black hair tied back in a bun put the thermometer on his desk.
“A little… my hands shake a bit.”
“Ah my son…” She clicked her tongue as she kissed his forehead, “And to think you fell ill in your vacations.”
“It’s probably the weather.” Keiji smiled weakly up at his mother.
“Hmm, they did forecast a rainstorm in two days. You always do seem pale when the rainy season comes.” She kissed his hair so her lipstick wouldn’t smudge his forehead. “Are you sure you’ll be fine alone?”
“Yes, don’t worry mother.”
“We’re leaving now.” His father piped in, adjusting his glasses as he entered the room. “You alright?” he asked, ruffling Keiji’s already untidy hair.
“Better.”
“Call if you have any trouble, I put your phone on your side drawer.” His mother said as she opened the door to leave. “We’re locking the house so you can lie in bed.”
“Have a safe trip.”
“Food’s in the fridge if you’re hungry.”
“I’ll be fine mother.”
His mother smiled wearily at him before she waved and closed his bedroom door. Keiji on his return had noticed she now had small wrinkles. His father’s hair was greyer than before. His parents were growing old.
A depressing thought to even consider but a reality. Keiji was sick of reality. His reality would always sneak into his words. Just a week earlier before he got ill, he had updated his story and it was more sorrowful with broken hopes and betrayal. He had gotten a few messages and reviews asking if he was alright. If only they knew. Keiji had no intentions of revealing his ordeal. Koutarou now was as fictional as his alien characters in his story.
The feverish nights made him wonder if he had actually just made up Koutarou all this time. That he was a figment of his own imagination and everyone just played along with it. How it was some scandal to make Keiji feel secure and accepted when he was actually devoid of any sanity. But the small touches on necks while drying each other’s hair didn’t seem like something Keiji would ever imagine. Nor would the crumbly kiss on his cheek be a figment of his dreams.
Those eyes were not imagined at all, the gold burning into his dark eyes, those eyes smiling when he laughed; Keiji had not imagined them. His aftershave, his room, and his deodorant in the mornings… each one had a vivid scent which Keiji could not forget. They did not cease to haunt Keiji though.
The week before vacations was depressing as ever. End of semester tests and no morning jogs, trapped in either his dorm or the library with the sun’s heat on his back everyday did not lift Keiji’s mood. Nor did it lift Koutarou’s, he observed. Koutarou would seem to be happy but his actions did not reflect the smiles he gave. He was slower and less loud. There were moments where they would cross paths normally on the way to the library, but both of them would avert their gazes.
It hurt. There were many times when Keiji just wanted to go to Koutarou and tell him everything. Why he acted that way on that day, all his hopes, his silly plans and his fears. Yet his body would not move an inch when Koutarou was near and his feet would take him to the opposite direction. Then the dreams began, where his character was curled up in a ball and he would look at him with sunken eyes. The color gold was no where to be found. Keiji had lost that color.
Even back in his home, his dreams would not leave him. His character would haunt him with those slow movements like as if it was near death. He would normally wake up sweating hard. Then the fever came and his temperature dropped slowly, draining the energy out of him. He was relieved he had updated before his sickness had got the better part of him.
During his vacations he was not in contact with anyone. Kenma would talk to him on text but that ceased too when Keiji’s fever was severe. There were no texts or calls from Koutarou. Not that Keiji expected any but with his nightmares repeating from time to time, he began to worry a bit.
His life was grey as it could ever be, depressing and still. He would have minor breakdowns from time to time but then his tears had run dry. There was nothing to cry about anymore, there was no point of grieving. He was not a victim; he had chosen this life the minute he agreed to walk the path which his parents wanted. He was not a victim either when it came to the subject of Koutarou; he could have been happy right now with the knowledge that he could talk to Koutarou whenever he pleased because they would have been together.
He was a coward. Running away from every hurdle he faced in life. No wonder his life was grey. There was no color, no spark and no excitement. He just had a lot of negativity. He reached for his phone and saw a new mail indicating a new review. He opened it and read the content:
Guest:
I don’t know how this story took such a sad turn but it’s interesting. I’m not in a very good mood myself nowadays so I felt kind of glad this update wasn’t all happy and hopeful. It’s weird but you’re a good writer, keep it up!
Keiji smiled. At least he wasn’t the only sad person out there. He hoped the reader would get better soon with their situation. He was about to keep his phone away when it started to ring. He looked at the screen and saw Kuroo’s name. He answered it.
“Hello.”
“Hey Akaashi… you don’t sound so good.” hearing it after weeks, Kuroo’s voice seemed foreign.
“I have fever, but I’m getting better.” He replied.
“Ah get well soon. Have you heard from Bokuto recently?”
“No… we haven’t interacted in a while.”
“Did anything happen between you two?” Kuroo asked.
So he didn’t know about the confession. Keiji swallowed a bit and pulled up his blanket. How would he explain the whole thing?
“He asked me out… and I told him to give me some time…”
“So you didn’t reject him?” Kuroo sounded genuinely surprised at Keiji’s response.
“No… what makes you think that? Is Bokuto san having his moods again?”
“It’s worse. Akaashi, I don’t want to put too much on your mind while you’re still sick, we’ll have this conversation later.”
Keiji sat up against his bed frame. “Please tell me what happened to Bokuto san, don’t leave this for later if his condition is bad.”
He heard a sigh from the other end. “He’s been depressed, I check on him everyday, we’re practically neighbors so yeah. He doesn’t talk much to his family and he won’t open up to me. He’s been off in university as well, like there was a stark difference but we were all so busy with tests and shit. And…um yeah so I’m worried and I thought maybe you knew why.”
“You were going to add something else Kuroo san.” Keiji pointed out as his fingers drummed fast on his knee. Koutarou’s condition seemed terrible and it was his fault entirely.
“His mom told me the other day... ugh that idiot… he stopped eating.”
“What?” Keiji couldn’t believe it. It was more extreme than all the other cases of mood swings Koutarou had. “Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know… he feels worthless? My guess is that he took your answer as a no and now he probably hates himself for being so hopeful and even more for disturbing you.” Kuroo chuckled, “That dimwit bastard, he fell hard for you… it was pretty obvious to all of us. You like him as well?”
A week back Keiji would have replied with a simple ‘I don’t know’ but after taking in so much and seeing so much grey and darkness in his current time, he knew the answer was something else; the one which he had kept buried in his heart for the longest time.
“I do… I was just caught off guard that moment, so much to take in.” Keiji felt his lips twitch upwards.
“Bokuto tends to overwhelm people from time to time. That never changed. That’s good, all the best. Do I call him and tell him the good news or you?” Kuroo sounded livelier than before.
“I’ll call him.”
“Okay, thanks. Get well soon Akaashi! Sleep after all this okay? And drink loads of water don’t get dehydrated in this season.”
“Thank you, good bye.”
“Good bye.” Kuroo hung up and Keiji slipped back into his blanket slowly.
The thought of calling Koutarou frightened Keiji a little. It really shouldn’t but he did feel a hint of guilt. He should have tried to talk to Koutarou all this time. He licked his lips only to press them, his eyes burned a bit because of the fever. Sleep could wait. After hearing Koutarou’s condition, Keiji really couldn’t toss it aside.
He dialed the number and waited. One ring, two rings, three things, four rings and a voicemail service. Keiji dialed it yet again. After a few more tries, Koutarou finally answered.
“Okay who are you bastard?” His voice was hoarse as if he had had a coughing fit before.
“Bokuto san?”
There was a minute of silence and Keiji thought of hanging up when Koutarou finally spoke;
“Akaashi? I didn’t see the contact sorry.”
“It’s alright. I was calling you a lot.” Keiji took in a deep breath. Here goes… everything. “You don’t sound well. Are you eating properly?”
“You don’t sound so good either.” Koutarou replied; his tone changed to that of being annoyed.
“I currently have a fever. You?”
“Just a little under the weather as well. Look I have to go, I’m sorry…”
“Bokuto san when I meant give me more time I didn’t say no.” Keiji blurted out. Koutarou simply could not hang up on him, Keiji wouldn’t allow it.
“What?”
“I still haven’t given you a proper answer yet. I didn’t say ‘no’ back then.” He sighed, “I just had a lot of things on my mind, a lot to process and I didn’t know what was right at that time.”
“So you don’t hate me?” Koutarou sounded as if he were in awe. His change in tone made Keiji relieved and his question caused a laugh to escape his lips.
“Why would I hate you anyways Bokuto san?” Keiji managed to speak during his giggle fit.
“Because you looked so shocked back then! I thought I had really fucked up!” Koutarou exclaimed and Keiji imagined the other man running his fingers through his hair in frustration.
“Well you didn’t. So please eat and smile again. And wait for my answer when the new semester starts?”
“How did my family get your number…?” Koutarou trailed off.
“Kuroo san told me. You will eat now?” Keiji asked.
Koutarou chuckled from the other end, “Yeah I’m feeling mighty hungry now. But my prey is you.”
If Keiji could be any shade of red it would be a deep blood red. He didn’t have to see his reflection to confirm it. He coughed as he hugged his knees.
“That was pretty lame…”
“It got you heating up though am I right?” Koutarou teased.
“I have a fever Bokuto san.” Keiji stated but he knew Koutarou was absolutely correct in that aspect.
“Darn it! Okay you take care and drink lots of water. And yeah I’ll wait patiently for your reply. Nice talking to you Akaashi.”
“Thank you. Take care too Bokuto san. Good bye.”
“Good bye!”
Keiji then lied back on his bed, his hands trembling a bit when he kept his phone to the side. He had done it. He had called Koutarou and now he had to give him a proper answer. Before he could think of one, his eyes drooped and he yawned. Talking had drained him as well. So he left the issue for the next day and slept.
His character did not haunt him this time. He had a proper sleep after weeks.
Bokuto Koutarou. Male. A year older than Keiji. Bisexual. Economics major. Terrible flirt. Volleyball player. Has moods which vary in intensity. Forgiving. Gives advice. Tends to jump to conclusions.
And he was, perhaps, Keiji’s first love.
Filipendulous (adj.)
Suspended by or strung upon a thread.
(MERRIUM WEBSTER DICTIONARY)
The summer was spent mostly in bed, looking out through the windows stained by raindrops. The exchanges between his parents during dinner were rather awkward and brief. The only thing which changed was the lively texts from Koutarou daily. They made Keiji smile without fail. His life was already colorful with Koutarou’s presence.
Keiji looked at himself in the mirror on his dresser for one last time as he packed his bags. He had gotten skinnier, him losing two kilograms in the summers really showed. His shirts hung lose from his shoulders, his face looked thinner and the dark circles were apparent against his pale skin.
He sighed. What if Koutarou changes his mind when he sees him with this appearance? Keiji brushed the thought aside. He should be prepared for the worst but currently he had to give an answer.
“All done?” His mother entered the room and checked his bags if they were zipped up.
“Yes mother. Sorry for falling ill.” He smiled at his mother who shook her head and pulled him into a hug.
“Don’t fall sick in university. The last thing I want to hear is that you’re in bed alone in the dorms.”
His arms wrapped around her waist and he rested his head on her shoulders. “I’ll miss you.”
“And I shall miss you as well. I still cannot believe my baby is grown up.”
His father knocked on the door and they pulled away. “You’ll miss your bus Keiji.”
Keiji picked up his bag while his father picked the other and he received a kiss from his mother before he left their apartment.
He waited for the bus with his father. His mouth was dry. What was he supposed to say besides a good bye?
“Keiji.” He looked at his father who took a deep breath before he continued, “As long as you maintain an average GPA it’s perfectly fine with me. You don’t have to push yourself for a high one.”
Keiji raised his brow, “I don’t understand.”
“I know you wanted to do literature, but it was too risky. But if you want to write, I won’t stop you. Get your degree and then I’ll help you in everything else.” He looked at Keiji with a gentle look, completely different from his strict demeanor.
“Thank you.” Keiji swallowed. He didn’t know how to take it in. Was he supposed to be grateful? Before he could say anything further the bus arrived and his father pulled him into an embrace before Keiji boarded the bus with his luggage.
As he took his seat, Keiji didn’t look out the window. Instead he stared down at his hands. Everything seemed surreal. Did he really deserve all this?
“I do.” He whispered, hoping those demons of doubt would leave him alone. He deserved a chance to be happy, to paint his life colorful once more. The only one stopping him… was himself.
He entered his dorm to be greeted by loud shouts from Shouyou.
“I lost again!”
“You never use your combo move, that’s why you lose.” Kenma’s voice was calm compared to the frustrated whines of his friend.
“I see you people arrived before me.” Keiji said as he pulled his bags towards his cupboard.
Shouyou immediately left the couch to help him with his bags. “The volleyball practices start before classes because the Winter Cup tournament is near. Kenma came with Kuroo so that’s why he’s here as well.”
“I see. Thank you Hinata kun, I can take it from here.” Keiji opened the bags and began to keep his clothes on his bed.
“Aren’t you going to be late for Kageyama’s invite?” Kenma asked Shouyou out of the blue.
Shouyou groaned. “We live in the same town and he asked me to meet him near the park café in the summers. And I was like ‘Hey! Can this be a date?’ so I showed up in a dress shirt and pants. I wore proper clothes while he is ten minutes late wearing jeans and a t shirt. He just wanted to practice his tosses!”
“You should just tell him.” Kenma said with an amused smile.
“That’s the difficult part! Ugh I’m going now. See you guys.” Shouyou put on his shoes and left the room.
“You really do look as if you spent the whole summers sick.” Kenma noted when they both were alone.
Keiji laughed wearily as he put up his clothes in his cupboard. “I was both physically and mentally sick. Do I look that bad?”
“Sort of.”
“Bokuto san will probably regret asking me out.” Keiji let out his thoughts.
“Not really. He isn’t like that.” Kenma was now standing next to him and helping him out with unpacking. “After this you can go to the second gym; he’ll be practicing there with Kuroo right now.”
Keiji sighed as the last piece of clothing was hung. “Let’s just get this over with.”
He jogged to the gym and stopped a little before the main door. His heart was beating faster than before and he tried to frame his wordings. This was it. This was the moment Keiji had decided upon himself. He took in a deep breath but froze as he heard voices from besides the building.
“We could get together again.” Keiji winced as he recognized the voice. He decided to hide behind the tree to get a closer look.
“I don’t know…” Koutarou said and Keiji was able to make out that Koutarou was uneasy with that ‘Saru’.
“You weren’t yourself when we met yesterday. What’s bothering you?”
“Sarukui… look I’m waiting for a response from someone and besides we didn’t work out then… then we won’t work out now as well.” Koutarou replied.
“And what if that someone gives you a negative response?” Sarukui questioned.
“Then I’ll live with that.”
“And what if they use you?”
“Where are you even going with this? I’m off to practice.” Koutarou huffed out and walked away.
Keiji was still in his place. This time was not right to tell Koutarou. He stepped back cautiously but his eyes met Sarukui’s. The other man sneered at him and left the area. Keiji shook his head. There was no way… that Koutarou would think otherwise.
“Why are you back?” Kenma asked as he looked up from his phone.
“I can’t do it.” Keiji sat on the couch with his hands covering his face. “What if he says no?”
Kenma groaned. “You’re an idiot. Go back and tell him. It’s better late than never.”
“I don’t deserve him.”
Keiji felt Kenma sit up and get off the couch. He removed his hands and found Kenma standing before him with his arms crossed. “What makes you think that?”
If Keiji could tell him about all his grey thoughts, his fears then Kenma would understand. But nothing came out from his lips. What did he have to reason with anyways?
“I’m a coward.”
“Yeah, you are.” Kenma replied softly.
“I don’t think I’ll give him the love that he deserves. I don’t know the first thing about liking someone this hard.” Keiji looked at his trembling hands. His weakness was still present.
“Do you want to lose him?”
After a minute of silence, while Keiji felt walls around him appear, he finally gave in.
“No.”
“Then go. Now.” Kenma stated and pulled Keiji on his feet.
“Thank you. I owe you.” Keiji smiled at the shorter man and walked out to the door.
“If you come back with nothing, I will lock you out.” Kenma said loudly and Keiji chuckled.
“Does apple pie count?”
Kenma did not reply and Keiji closed the door behind him.
He ran to the gym this time. He had to put Sarukui and his doubts behind him and face Koutarou. Keiji slowly opened the door and Suga was the first person who noticed him and walked up to him.
“Akaashi san! How are you? You don’t look that well…” Suga began and Keiji hated to interrupt but he really didn’t want to talk about his appearance.
“When can I talk to Bokuto san? I mean when will your practice end?” Keiji stuttered out.
“I can call him right now… Bokuto san! Someone’s here for you!” Suga called out.
“Coming!” Koutarou’s voiced boomed through the gym and Keiji stepped away from the main door.
Koutarou stepped out of the gym and he smiled when his eyes found Keiji’s.
“Hey, hey, hey!”
“Hello Bokuto san.” Keiji greeted, inwardly cursing for being too indifferent.
“So…”
Keiji sighed. “Bokuto san, I think you’re owl that I need… oh I can’t do this.” He face palmed while Koutarou broke into a hearty laugh.
“You were doing great!”
Keiji smiled as he walked closer to Koutarou. Three simple words. Only three. He could do this.
“I think I…love you Bokuto san.” He averted his gaze; he really didn’t know how Koutarou would react.
“Akaashi, if I wasn’t so sweaty from practice I would have kissed you right now.” Koutarou said softly.
Keiji shook his head as he put his hands on Koutarou’s shoulders and pulled him close till their lips brushed. Their noses bumped into each other but Koutarou’s hand was under his chin now, tilting his face so that their lips fit perfectly. His lips were soft and his arm was wrapped around Keiji’s waist pulling him closer.
They stayed in that position for what seemed like forever. Koutarou was not impatient; rather Keiji felt as if he knew that it was Keiji’s first kiss, a first in any action of intimacy. He would gently pull on Keiji’s lower lip and when they parted, his eyes smiled back at Keiji and their noses brushed against each other.
Keiji scrunched his nose a bit, “Maybe I should have waited after your practice.” He whispered.
Koutarou chuckled. “Well you started it. And I warned you.” His arm was off Keiji’s body and he immediately missed the touch. “Let’s meet up in the café after an hour? I’ll be done by then and we have to tell Yachi san the good news.” He winked and Keiji shook his head but his lips twitched upwards.
“Fine Bokuto san.” Keiji replied and Koutarou came closer again and Keiji closed his eyes wondering what would happen. Was he nervous? They had just kissed but the butterflies in his stomach had not yet calmed down.
He felt the other man’s lips on his right eyelid and then the left. Keiji opened his eyes slowly to see Koutarou looking at him. He felt his neck turn hotter along with his cheeks. Koutarou himself had a little pink dusted on his ears.
“You’re beautiful Akaashi.” He breathed out and then slowly turned to enter the gym. He waved his hands animatedly and Keiji waved back. As he turned around to go back to his dorm he heard Koutarou’s loud voice.
“Hey Oikawa san! I want to spike your killer toss right now. I’m feeling lucky!”
“Oho? What’s this? What happened out there?” Kuroo’s voice echoed back.
“Are you sure Bokuto?” A voice Keiji did not recognize asked.
“I’m sure! And I’m dating the most beautiful person on this planet!” Koutarou beamed.
“You’re not dating Suga.” Daichi stated to which everyone laughed.
“I’m dating Akaashi!” Koutarou shouted back in response and Keiji smiled as he jogged away from the gym.
Keiji was able to paint the wall before him again. Greens, pinks, reds and blues came into Keiji’s mind as he wrote further. He began to notice the colors around him more often, appreciated the moments he spent in his life with his friends. He became more in touch with his parents and he felt closer to them. He did skip the part of his life when he and Koutarou started dating; that was a detail he’d rather keep to himself. Other than that he felt as if his life had become more interesting and less dreadful. The feeling of doubt would taunt him from time to time, but he was able to push them away easily.
His wall was painted with gold as well. He began to notice the color more when he would look into Koutarou’s eyes. He thought of the color non stop and it made him feel relaxed. His character was vivid and lively as ever again, the nightmares stopped haunting him. Perhaps Keiji was living a dream; it was so peaceful and beautiful.
The morning shower routine remained unchanged but with a little more additions. Keiji would enter the dorm showers and would hear Koutarou singing ridiculous tunes on the top of his voice. When he would turn on the shower, Koutarou would stop and greet him.
“And how is the love of my life doing today?”
At first Keiji would groan at the excessive cheesiness but then he became used to it. In fact it was more correct to say that he looked forward to hear those words out of Koutarou’s mouth.
“I’m fine, what about you?”
“On top of the world!”
Every touch became more meaningful now; a brief contact of Koutarou’s fingers brushing against his neck while drying his hair would cause Keiji to hold his breath. Before they would join the others they would share a short kiss and let their hands entwine. It took Keiji days to actually believe that this all was real and it wasn’t his fantasy. That he was loved and cared for by such an amazing individual.
“So I remember you told me that you write stuff. What genre?” Koutarou asked him one day as they jogged with the other volleyball team members. His voice was softer than usual and Keiji felt his mouth turn dry. Should he really answer this?
“Well…” Keiji began before he was cut off by Kuroo.
“Oi you two love birds, quit being so lovey dovey. We already have Sawamura and Sugawara.” Kuroo grinned as he gestured to the said couple. Daichi rolled his eyes and Suga laughed.
“We can’t even talk huh?” Koutarou huffed out but he wasn’t angry.
“Please, we had to deal with Oikawa and Iwaizumi, then these two and now you two.” Yaku sighed as he listed the couples.
“You didn’t count us and Kuroo san with Kenma san.” Lev piped in.
“We were never a couple Lev.” Yaku coughed a bit in between before adding, “And Kenma is civilized in PDA.”
“Hey!” Lev exclaimed to which everyone broke into laughter.
“Yaku has no time for you Lev.” Kuroo laughed as he slapped the taller boy playfully on his back.
Keiji grinned as Lev began hammering Yaku with questions. He felt being watched and when he turned his head he made eye contact with Koutarou who smiled back widely at him. Keiji looked ahead and felt himself being lighter. If this was bliss, he definitely wanted to keep this feeling around.
“But it’s the last party and then I’ll have to practice full time! Please?” Koutarou begged as he shook Keiji’s shoulder. They both were in Koutarou’s dorm seated on the bean bags.
“Bokuto san, you know I don’t want to drink. Not again.” Keiji replied and shuddered a bit as he remembered the last time.
“You don’t have to drink, just dance?” Koutarou looked at him with an innocent face.
“I’m not comfortable in such social events.” Keiji muttered.
“Geh.” Koutarou let out as he nudged closer to Keiji, his head against the other’s arm.
“Why don’t you let Akaashi stay and come anyways Bokuto?” Kuroo asked as he stepped out of the toilet and began to put on his shoes.
“It’s no fun without Akaashi.” Koutarou pouted. “I’ll stay with him.”
“Your wish.” Kuroo shrugged, “You know the place right? Oikawa’s apartment. Come if you feel like it. See you guys.” With that he closed the door behind him.
“You can go you know.” Keiji said softly even though he didn’t want to think about Koutarou dancing and drinking with someone else.
“Let’s watch something?” Koutarou offered, his tone sounded dejected though.
“Bokuto san.” Keiji sighed. “Are you angry?”
“No.”
Keiji groaned. He really did not want to go to the party, but he didn’t want to see Koutarou in his moods either. The situation was quite troublesome and Keiji was out of ideas to make it better. A thought flashed in his mind and he wondered if it was sane enough. Will Koutarou push him away? Did he have the right to initiate an intimate move?
“What do we watch?” Koutarou drawled out, obviously uninterested.
“You’re being difficult.” Keiji stated and he got up to sit on Koutarou’s lap, his legs on either side of the other man’s body.
“I’m not being diffic-.” Koutarou was interrupted as Keiji leaned down and pressed his lips against Koutarou’s.
“Shush.” Keiji whispered when he pulled away slowly.
Koutarou grinned and he pulled Keiji close and they kissed yet again. Before Keiji could even think straight, Koutarou began to kiss his neck slowly; his breath against his skin tickled him from time to time. Keiji’s hands slowly ran through Koutarou’s hair and shivered a bit as the other began to kiss his jaw line. Koutarou’s hands were roaming, sneaking under his shirt and pulling Keiji till their bodies had no space left between them.
If Keiji could think of any color, it would be red. Red for love, lust or desire? Keiji was unable to differentiate currently. He wanted Koutarou more than ever, the man who brought him back to colors, who never ceased to surprise him. He wanted to know more about Koutarou; all his quirks, his favorites and his feelings. The fact that Keiji had, once upon a time, never thought of being this intimate with anyone. It made this moment and every moment spent with Koutarou so very important.
From the small kisses shared before their morning jogs, Koutarou kissing his cheek if they met in the library, their foreheads touching after a kiss, noses brushing against each other, fingers entwining, sharing jokes and secrets, falling asleep while watching documentaries, sharing notes… Keiji remembered them all and placed them close to his heart. His life was perfect as it could ever be in the past few weeks; he was content and grateful. But if he could learn more about Koutarou, he would not hesitate.
“You’re gorgeous…” Koutarou’s voice was hoarse and Keiji pulled on his lower lip, satisfied to hear the other moan. Koutarou’s eyes were smiling, his pupils were dilated a bit and when Keiji let go of his lips Koutarou furrowed his brows in question, well aware of what they both wanted but making sure it was alright to tread on that ground. “Are you sure?”
Keiji smiled and pecked his lips. “Yes.” He breathed out.
He woke up to find Koutarou’s arm around him. He yawned a bit and shifted to escape the sleeping man’s grip. Keiji looked around the room, rubbing his eyes as he sat up straight on the bed. He got up and walked tiredly to wear his boxers and then made way to the toilet to wash his face.
He was surprised at the number of marks Koutarou had left on his body and blushed when he remembered last night’s events. He splashed water on his face and tried his best not to recall. He felt the doubt rising again, was it really wise to let Koutarou see that side, to touch him that freely? However another part of him was in bliss, his heart was beating fast. He knew he could trust Koutarou enough, that the other actually loved him without a second thought. Keiji could trust Koutarou enough to let the other in emotionally as well. It was perfectly fine. He had no regrets, he told himself.
“Keiji?” He stepped out when he heard Koutarou call him. He was still lying in bed and he smiled when Keiji came in his line of vision. “Come back in bed, it’s still too early.”
Keiji sat on the corner of the bed instead. “On one condition though, no more marks Bokuto san, I have a class at three. I can’t even cover with a scarf, the season is still warm.”
Koutarou opened his arms as if welcoming Keiji. “Say the name you called me by last night.” He smiled widely, his eyes gleaming.
Keiji sighed and felt his own lips tilt upwards. He crawled back into Koutarou’s arms, his head resting on the other’s shoulder as he replied softly, “No more marks Koutarou.”
Koutarou laughed loudly and Keiji closed his eyes as he felt Koutarou’s body move with his laughs.
Bokuto Koutarou. Male. A year older than Keiji. Bisexual. Terrible flirt. Economics major. Volleyball player. Has moods which vary in intensity. Gives advice. Forgives easily. Jumps into conclusions easily. Very loving.
And now, with certainty, he was all Keiji’s.