Chapter Text
i will be strong
i will be faithful
'cause i'm counting on
a new beginning
a deeper meaning
a reason for living
- truly madly deeply, savage garden
vii.
Chuuya. Chuuya. Chuuya.
He ran like he had never run in his entire life as he raced with the god of time. The constant whispers of his ex-partner’s name coming out from his lips became his mantra. He had once tried to forget his name but it was like removing a tattoo on every part of his body. Painful.
The last thing Dazai remembered after he dashed out of the agency was Akutagawa telling him with panic in his eyes that Chuuya was using Corruption even if Dazai were not around to stop him. His ex-subordinate begged him to save the executive but he should have known that Dazai would literally do anything just to save Chuuya, even put his life on the line.
The brunet stood in the middle of the destruction caused by Chuuya. He still couldn’t quite grasp the decision the ginger took. Stupid Chuuya and his lack of self-preservation.
A laugh that sent a chill down his spine broke his thoughts and he was greeted with the sight of Chuuya’s bloody face as lifeless eyes stared at him. His ability took on a great toll on his body and Dazai knew that if he doesn’t nullify the ginger’s ability right at this moment, he would lose Chuuya for good.
He didn’t mind the rocks scraping on his skin nor the consequence of running closer to Chuuya. All he could think of was to nullify Chuuya’s ability and save him.
He just couldn’t bear to lose the executive
A blue glow surrounded them as Dazai placed a hand on Chuuya’s right cheek. He hated how his skin felt so cold against his. If he arrived a second late, he was sure what he would find was a lifeless body of his ex-partner.
Chuuya would have hit the ground if it wasn’t for Dazai catching him as he collapsed from exhaustion. He laid him down and rested his head on his lap, making sure that the mafioso was comfortable with their position. He quietly stroked his ginger locks as he kept a hand on the other’s pulse point to check if he was still alive and to calm the anxiety that was building up inside him.
(You’re so stupid, Chuuya. If you wanted to die so badly, you could have asked me. I would love to do a double suicide with you, you know.)
It was after he placed a kiss on Chuuya’s forehead when he heard a soft whisper. He looked at the man lying on his lap, surprised to see that he was awake although his eyes are hazy from the pain and exhaustion he was feeling.
“Dazai…,” he heard the mafioso called out. His voice raspy and a bit unrecognizable to the other’s ear.
The said man hummed in response. He didn’t want to say anything because he was afraid that his voice would break and caused him to spill the emotions he had been bottling deep inside him. He just couldn’t afford to do that.
Chuuya placed a hand on top of Dazai’s. The brunet was pretty sure that the ginger would faint any second now. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but he was afraid of knowing that Chuuya may succumb to an eternal slumber.
He held the Chuuya’s hand tight, wanting to feel the life coursing through his veins. He wanted—he needed Chuuya to be okay. Two words slipped from his ex-partner’s lips before he fainted, leaving the destruction behind him for a moment.
“Don’t go.”
(This time Dazai listened to Chuuya and ignored the demon whispering the words leave him in his ears.)
*
“You should have seen him, Odasaku! He is so small, I can probably fit him inside my pockets,” Dazai said enthusiastically as the man beside him rolled his eyes.
The two of them sat inside a bar named Lupin. A soft melody was playing in the background, giving a good atmosphere around them. Each sported a drink of their own as they let the hours passed by between them.
“You shouldn’t make fun of him like that,” Oda said, taking a sip of his drink. “He sounds like he can beat you up for good so better be careful.”
Dazai couldn’t help but laugh at the words Oda said to him. Him? Being careful? What kind of shit joke is that? Besides, he won’t even care if Chuuya decided to kill him someday as long as he didn’t make it too painful.
Silence fell around them as Dazai was consumed by his own thoughts. He remembered the day he heard about a man from the Port Mafia that refused to kill. He was intrigued by the idea so he decided to investigate this man only to find out that it was none other than Oda Sakunosuke. They quickly clicked together and Oda understood him more than anyone.
He was happy to have a someone like Oda.
“Odasaku, what do you think of me?” he asked out of curiosity once he was able to settle his thoughts. He had never asked anyone about their opinion of him but he somehow wanted to know Oda’s thoughts about him.
“You are very concerned with keeping your emotions at bay. You think you don’t need them when the truth is you long to feel something other than what Mori-san has drilled on you. You would have been a good person if it weren’t for the mafia,” Oda answered truthfully.
A genuine smile formed on the executive’s lips. He was thankful for the truth in Oda’s words even though he didn’t agree with his opinion, but he couldn’t help but felt warmth in his chest after hearing that Oda had hope for him.
Even if he lost all the hope he had for himself.
“I think I love spending my time with you.”
(How do you distinguish like from love?)
*
The first time he saw Corruption, he was rendered speechless.
He was deep in his slumber when he was abruptly awakened by one of the lower ranking members of the mafia. He was told that an ability user had grown rampant and ordered to nullify his ability since no one can get near him.
A sigh escaped from Dazai’s lips before ordering the subordinate to get the car and drive him to the area. He was not in the mood play around today after failing another suicide attempt.
Upon the arriving, he set out to find the source of all the ruckus only to find the boy he met a few days ago in the middle of it all. He stood there as he watched everything turn into ruins.
The boy carries destruction with him yet there was something special about him that Dazai couldn’t put a name on. He noticed how the ginger’s hair fell perfectly on his face as the wind tried to push it away. Everything about him was perfect except the soulless black in his eyes. He remembered how captivated he was when he first saw the real color of his eyes.
There was blood on the boy’s face, turning his pale skin into a painting of reds. The boy was a disaster yet here he is finding him beautiful.
The first time he saw Corruption, he was rendered speechless and the boy with ginger hair fed him butterflies.
*
“What is the color of his eyes?”
“Like the ocean right after the storm.”
“Which is?”
“Beautiful.”
He should have said blue so he wouldn't sound like a hopeless romantic. Oh well.
*
The brunet entered the office of his mentor, Mori Ougai. Their agenda for today was to discuss what would happen to the ability user named Nakahara Chuuya after he caused troubles in the mafia.
The two sat facing each other. Dazai was sure by the looks of Mori that he would order his men to execute Chuuya. After all, the boss wouldn’t want a liability in the mafia especially during the time of war against other organizations trying to bring the Port Mafia down on its knees.
However, Dazai was ready to make a proposal in order to save the life of Chuuya for his own purposes. The boy seemed to be interesting enough to keep him occupied for a number of hours and his ability was proven to be useful with how much he was able to turn the courtesan house into a wasteland.
Before Mori could utter a word, he started to give his argument against the execution. “I think Nakahara would be very useful in the mafia, given how powerful his ability is. Kouyou-san has also trained him a bit about combat and I was told that he is a natural born talent. Executing him would be a great loss for us,” he stated.
“How would you deal with the fact that he can’t control his own ability? We can’t afford a liability during this time,” Mori argued. “However, if you can come out with a probable solution, I might consider keeping him alive.”
“I propose a partnership between me and Nakahara Chuuya.”
*
“You know, Chuuya. I’ve missed you.”
“Stop spouting bullshit, Mackerel.”
But I miss you. I really do.
*
The day Dazai left the mafia was two days after Oda Sakunosuke’s death. He took his time to think about Oda’s last words to him and when he finally decided what to do, he left without any trace as if he never existed at all.
He had planned out everything starting from how would he escape without being suspicious of how things would play out once he had settled into an agency.
He had planned out everything except for the pang he felt on his chest.
(Dazai didn't know where the feeling was coming from. Maybe, it was because he still felt guilty about what happened to Oda. It didn't have anything to do with a boy with ginger hair, right?)
The brunet didn’t bother to say goodbye to anyone even to his partner. He won’t let anything trample his plan to escape this hell hole and follow Oda’s words to be on the side that saves people. He won’t let anything come in his way even a certain ginger.
(A part of him felt like he had been doing everything wrong from the start. Chuuya wouldn’t understand how he was feeling. He wouldn’t understand what it felt like to lose your only friend and the person you cared about the most, would he?)
*
The two found themselves in Kouyou’s garden at the back of the courtesan house. It was very peaceful and calming sight with the way the sunlight brushed over the flowers as a soft breeze swayed them to a dance.
Dazai insisted to tag along with Chuuya because Chuuya~ You just recovered from the use of Corruption three days ago. I don’t want you to trip on your feet and kill yourself. You have to suffer the briefing with me~
They decided to walk around the perimeter admiring the works of Kouyou. She was able to arrange the flowers in the most beautiful color scheme. They couldn’t help but admired the view before them. There were a lot of flowers and not all of them were familiar ones which sparked their curiosity.
“Chuuya~ I’m going to find a flower that suits you~” Dazai sang as he quickly left Chuuya’s side to search for a flower that reminded him perfectly of the ginger.
The brunet didn’t know a lot about flowers but he knew enough about the meaning behind the common ones. Sunflowers for adoration and dedication. Poppies for resurrection and eternal life. Tulip for fame and perfect love. Gardenia for purity and sweetness. Pink rose for admiration and gratitude.
He stopped in his tracks when he stumbled upon a pink flower that looked like a different version of a rose with glossy leaves. He didn’t know if it was the lighting but there was something enticing about the flower. It was beautiful and perfect just like Nakahara Chuuya.
Dazai carefully plucked out the flower, minding its petals. After washing off the remnants of soil on the flower, he quickly looked for Chuuya. He found him sitting on the fountain which was situated in the middle of the garden. He silently approached him and when he was at the back of Chuuya, he sneaked his arm in front of him and presented him the flower he picked solely for him.
“Ah, Chuuya is blushing~” Dazai teased when he noticed the pink dusting the ginger’s ears. He turned him around so that they were face to face and he was genuinely happy to find out that he was right. “Do you like it?”
“I hate it. It’s the worst flower in this garden,” Chuuya answered but it was obvious how he didn’t mean those words. The brunet smiled at him, feeling contented with how Chuuya looked fondly at the flower like it was the first gift he has ever received.
(Later on, Dazai asked Kouyou about the name and the meaning of the flower he gave to Chuuya. He was told that the flower was a Camellia and a pink one symbolized longing. Kouyou also told him that if he had given Chuuya a red one, it would mean desire or passion for the other.
He was too slow to hide the blush on his face from her.)
*
“Do you love him?”
“Of course, I do. You don’t give the person you don’t love the power to destroy you.”
Love: please give me a warning next time.
*
Stupid Chuuya.
Stupid Chuuya with his martyr complex who thinks that it is better that he is the one hurting instead of anyone else he cares about. Stupid Chuuya sacrificing himself for my sake and the city when we could have worked this out together.
Stupid Chuuya with his inability to believe that people can love him without pretenses. Stupid Chuuya who is too blind to see that he is surrounded by people who loves him. Stupid Chuuya who loves others first before he loves himself.
Stupid Chuuya always making stupid decisions that put him into trouble. Stupid Chuuya with his loyalty to the Port Mafia and love for the people of Yokohama. Stupid Chuuya who likes to spout bullshit and jumps into dangerous situations without thinking about his own life.
Stupid Chuuya with his tendencies to take on suicidal missions and battles where he isn’t sure he could win. Stupid Chuuya who wanted to die along with the monster that attacked the city. Stupid Chuuya with his selflessness that also seems selfish.
Stupid Chuuya for making everything hard for Dazai.
Stupid fucking Chuuya.
*
Dazai had just finished his training with Q as ordered by Mori. He had sustained a number of injuries from the training which he perfectly hid under his bandages. He was also thoroughly beaten up last time that resulted in a broken arm and a broken leg. Why couldn’t he just die already?
He walked just behind Mori as they passed by in the hall of the headquarters. A boy around his age who was tagging along with Kouyou caught his attention. He didn’t expect to meet someone like him inside the Port Mafia. He wasn’t entirely sure if they were at the same age due to the other’s height.
The boy had a ginger hair that reminded Dazai of a fire burning bright, consuming everything on its path. He had a petite body that he would surely tease about if they ever get to know each other. His outfit wasn’t really up to his liking especially the hat he was sporting but the boy managed to pull it off with such ease.
When their eyes met, the universe somehow shifted around Dazai. The ginger’s eyes were like two whirlpools sucking him in so he won’t be able to escape, trapped inside the beauty behind them. It reminded him of the sky and the sea. Calling his eyes beautiful would be a great understatement.
It was just a few seconds of interaction yet Dazai already couldn’t wait to meet him again. Maybe, he would find another friend to trust and cherish.
*
“Atsushi-kun, what do you think of Chuuya?”
They are making their way to the agency when Dazai decides to drop the question to his subordinate. Lately, he is having a hard time sleeping as he tries to perfect his plans and battle the anxiety building inside of him. God, he is hopeless.
“Chuuya-san is very nice. I didn’t expect him to be like that especially when he is an executive from the Port Mafia, but he is just the same as us in a way that he loves this city and the people who live on it,” Atsushi answers even though he is quite confused about the question.
“Do you think I belong to the people he loves?” Dazai wonders, not really asking for an answer. He feels anxiety growing inside of him. He continuously clenches and unclenches his fist as he tries to control his breathing. He is internally panicking but he tries his best to hide it from his subordinate, not willing to show how affected he is from the question that has spilled from his own mouth.
“I think Chuuya-san loves you a lot. Maybe, more than anyone else because he was ready to sacrifice everything just to keep you safe,” the mantiger says with a smile on his lips. Dazai looks at him as if he has grown another head. He can’t quite believe that Atsushi thinks Chuuya loves him despite the history between them.
“You just have to be more confident with yourself, Dazai-san. If you really want him to be with you, you should tell him before you lose him for good.”
(Didn’t I lose already when Fyodor took a hold of him?)
*
“You’re going to fall in love.”
“Don’t say such things, Odasaku.”
Thing: you just can’t explain what it is.
*
To say that Dazai Osamu was surprised to see Chuuya being affectionate with Fyodor was an understatement. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, not when he felt like his voice would break along with his heart.
The way Chuuya looked at Fyodor like he was the only thing that mattered in the world made his insides flame with jealousy. When Fyodor placed a hand on Chuuya’s waist and planted a kiss on his cheek, Dazai had to stop himself from strangling the Russian man to death.
Dazai wanted to do all those things with Chuuya and here was Fyodor showcasing him everything he ever wanted, wearing it like a badge, an achievement he acquired because Dazai was a fucking coward.
*
They say home is where the heart is. I have searched everywhere to find the perfect place, to find the perfect home where my heart will rest and love until my final breath.
Would it be a mistake to have found a home in you?
*
Love wasn’t something Dazai can explain. If you asked him what love was, he would have told you that it was something he couldn’t understand himself, something he couldn’t get quite a grasp of. He may be a prodigy but when it came to the matters of the heart, he was one hell of a stupid asshole.
He didn’t know what love was but he knew that there was something about Chuuya that made him feel like his heart would burst out from his chest. There was something about Chuuya that could render him speechless by just looking at him and make his knees weak with the sound of his voice. The way Chuuya laughs or smiles at him made feel like he was being bathed by the sun itself.
Dazai realized that maybe he didn’t need to explain to anyone what love was. There were some things that should be left as a mystery for others because there was something beautiful about discovering love yourself.
When you love, don’t think. Just feel.
*
“You’re beautiful.”
“I’m wearing pajamas. I look like an ordinary person.”
“There is nothing ordinary about you, Chuuya.”
(To call you ordinary would be the greatest insult you will ever receive.)
*
Dazai has successfully dragged Chuuya out of his apartment after threatening him that he will burn all of his hats. It is a piece of hard work, earning him new bruises but he is still able to convince Chuuya to come with him and that’s alright.
They are walking side by side for a few minutes already. Dazai stops when they are in front of the cemetery. He takes a deep breath before proceeding to walk to the grave he is all too familiar with. He is glad that Chuuya doesn’t ask any question so he remains silent the whole time.
The two of them are staring at a grave with Oda Sakunosuke’s name engraved on it. Dazai hasn’t brought any flowers, remembering the look the ginger gave him in the bridge on Oda’s birthday. He just can’t erase it from his mind and he doesn’t want to see that look painted on his face ever again.
He notices a small frown on Chuuya’s face. He is waiting for him to question his decision about bringing him here but nothing comes out from his mouth.
The brunet thinks about the consequences his words will cause him but he is never the type of person to think when it comes to Nakahara Chuuya. Just like Atsushi said, he should stop being a coward and face what lies before him.
He looks at Oda’s grave, not willing to look at Chuuya, afraid that he might spill more than what he intends to. “Whatever you are thinking, it’s wrong,” he states as a matter of fact.
(He’s thinking about how he isn’t enough for me and how impossible it is for me to fall in love with him.)
He can feel Chuuya’s eyes on him, trying to analyze what he means from the expression on his face. He heard a sigh before his ex-partner asks, “Why do you say so?”
The ex-mafioso hasn’t expected to receive a question like that. He has expected Chuuya to argue with him or maybe, question him things like how would you know? or what do you think I’m thinking? He ends up answering him anyway.
“Because I think the same way about you and Akutagawa.”
(I think I wouldn’t have a chance with you even if Fyodor isn’t around anymore. You love Akutagawa more than anyone else in this world and I have no place in your heart.)
They are both so damn stupid.
*
He really thought that he just made the greatest plan known to man when he brought Chuuya to an amusement park and dragged him to ride the Ferris wheel. Of course, heaven hated him and his plan backfired after discovering that the ginger was afraid of heights when they were already inside the ride.
The brunet tried to calm the ginger by teasing him. It only worked for a few minutes until he said that they have reached the peak and the ginger scrambled away. He didn’t know what to do so he let his heart do what it wanted.
He approached his partner and was surprised to see him flinched. He really is scared of heights, huh? He pulled him to his feet and noticed that his eyes were closed.
Dazai thought Chuuya was beautiful like this with the colors of the sunset bathing his face. It highlighted his features and his hair seemed to be glowing. He looked like a god. No, even the gods of beauty would be ashamed when placed beside Chuuya.
I want to kiss him, he thought. He blinked dumbly for a few seconds, thinking about where those words came from. Quickly dismissing the thought, he brought Chuuya closer to the glass pane. It was a breathtaking sight but not as breathtaking as the ginger beside him.
The executive decided to hold his hand and he was surprised that he wasn’t disgusted by the idea. It seemed like Chuuya was already calming down from the contact. His right hand intertwined with the other’s left one felt so right.
“I promise I won’t let you fall.”
If you ever fall, I will fall with you.
*
He is waiting at the rooftop of the agency’s building for Chuuya. He has prepared everything and even sought help from Akutagawa and Atsushi to make everything perfect.
Dazai has been dreading this day but he is also excited and hopeful of the outcome of what he has prepared for the ginger. At first, he is against the idea but Ranpo has been pestering him for days with all his teasing because damn you can’t hide anything from this bastard.
The brunet has asked the new Double Black to go and pick Chuuya from the mafia so he can finally proceed with his plan and get this over with. People have been telling him that this would be successful but he still can’t help but feel nervous about it. He wipes the sweat off his palms on his slacks as he tries to control his breathing.
He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. He can do this. Fuck, I can’t do this.
But before he can back away and hide from the world forever, the door opened, revealing Nakahara Chuuya in all his glory.
*
“Wha—what’s with you, really?”
Chuuya has recently been released from the hospital and when Dazai’s eyes laid upon him, he isn’t able to stop himself from rushing towards the ginger and giving him a hug. This hasn’t only surprise Chuuya but also Dazai himself. He can’t believe that he just gave his ex-partner a hug, he can’t even believe that he is capable of doing a hug. Dazai Osamu doesn’t hug people. Well, people except for Chuuya.
(His rational mind is too clouded with emotions to stop himself from hugging Chuuya. It is unlike the usual Dazai but he just can’t control his emotions at this moment, not when he almost lost the ginger.)
“Just let me hold you like this for a few seconds.”
He hugs Chuuya tighter, wanting piece him back together after what Fyodor did to him. He wants to heal every scar in his body with the warmth they are sharing with each other. He wants to make him feel again as if all the blood has washed away the emotions he has. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want Chuuya to stop feeling when every emotion that passes through his eyes are louder and more beautiful than his words.
Dazai thinks that he is trying to fix Chuuya back together but what he doesn’t know is Chuuya’s doing the same for him.
*
“I wanted to protect you.”
“I don’t need your protection, Dazai. I’m capable of doing it myself.”
“But it doesn’t mean I can’t do it.”
Protection: the things you do for the person you cherish.
*
Dazai wants to punch him so badly but he doesn’t want to appear like he lost his cool. He surpasses the anger coursing through his vein towards the man right in front of him. If he were still in the mafia, he might have killed him already with his bare hands.
In front of him is Fyodor Dostoevsky, the man who burned half of the city into ashes and carved scars not only on Chuuya’s skin but also in his mind. Why did he end up agreeing with this meeting again?
“What do you want?” he asks, not wanting to prolong this meeting with his rival.
“I’m moving out of the city,” Fyodor answers to which he quickly replies, “I don’t care.”
Fyodor sighs, he should have known that having a proper conversation with Dazai is a hard thing to achieve after what he has done to the city and Chuuya.
The temperature of the room suddenly drops when brown eyes meet purple ones. There is an unbreakable tension between them and no one seems to have a plan of backing down.
“If you don’t move soon, you’re going to lose him. I won’t do anything to him anymore, I loved him but—you’re smart but you’re stupid when it comes to your own emotions,” the Russian states while playing with a familiar choker made to fit on his right wrist.
Dazai frowns at his words while glaring at the choker. He hates it when people talk about his inability to understand his emotions but he knows more now, thanks to the help of his subordinate.
“I’m not going to lose him. Not this time.”
Not again. Never again.
*
“Maybe, you don’t matter to the universe but you matter to me.”
*
“Dazai?”
He tries to swallow the lump forming in his throat but the way Chuuya says his name opens up cages of butterflies in this stomach and his heart is trying to break out of his chest. Emotions swirl all over his mind and he has to pinch himself to stop the curse trying to escape his mouth.
Everything is in order and all he needs to do is say those words. He imagines it to go extremely well but no one told him about feeling like a baggage of helpless emotions right in front of Chuuya.
The ginger looks at him worriedly before his eyes travel around the roof. The ground is covered with petals of Camellias and there is a soft French song playing in the background. The sun is just about to set, giving the place a warm glow and a romantic atmosphere. Dazai is dressed up well, his tan coat discarded replaced with a dark blue one that looks extremely expensive. The right part of his hair is pulled back and the most surprising of all, he has removed all the bandages from his body.
“Dazai, what’s with all of these? Are you trying to impress a girl? Because this would definitely work,” Chuuya says softly as he tries to keep his emotions at bay.
“I’m glad you think so,” Dazai replies, a small smile already forming on his lips, “And I’m not trying to impress any girl. I only try to impress you.”
*
Dazai’s imagined dialogues with Chuuya that never happened:
Dialogue #1
“Welcome home.”
“You’re my home.”
(When you’re around, I’m the happiest.)
Dialogue #2
“I hate it when it rains, it’s so cold.”
“Then let me warm you up, Chuuya~”
(I don’t need the rain, I need you.)
Dialogue #3
“We should go out together?”
“Why?”
“Because we’ll be the hottest couple.”
(When people fall in love, they burst into flames.)
Dialogue #88
“Why can’t you take me with you? I thought you trust me!”
“You wouldn’t be able to understand how I feel.”
“Then make me understand, Dazai!”
(If seeing is believing, you might be in some trouble.)
*
(Love opens up cages of butterflies in your stomach to accompany the beating of your heart. Love is the music you dare to listen to as you map out stories on the palm of your hands to the edges of the stars.)
*
The air grows heavy around them as silence engulfs them while Dazai tries to organize his thoughts and his emotions. His hands are clammy and he feels like his heart is trying to crawl out of his throat.
He wants to tell Chuuya that he is a constant in his life, that no matter how hard he tries, he always ends up looking for him among the crowds. He wants to tell him that he trusts him more than anyone in this world, that he would do anything for him just to get him back by his side. He wants to tell him that he fell in love with him probably since the first time they met when he thought that he can stare at his eyes for days and he wouldn’t even get enough of it. He wants to tell him that he realized he fell in love with him when he left the mafia, thinking there was something missing as if there was a hole in his chest. He wants to tell him that even though they made a promise not to die for each other, he would still die for him if it means saving his life.
He wants to tell all of these, that Chuuya is everything and more than that.
Dazai tries to utter the words but everything is just all mixed up and he doesn’t think he has the courage to say every single one of them. He doesn’t want to say the words that may scare Chuuya away. He doesn’t want to lose his chance.
So when he sees Chuuya opening his mouth, he says the only words that he can think of, the words that can explain everything he is feeling, everything he wants to say to the man in front of him.
“I love you.” It feels like he is drenched in cold water but the constant beating of his heart keeps him warm all over. He can feel his cheeks flush and he tries to hold the tears forming in his eyes from the onslaught of emotions he is feeling. “I have always loved you.”
fin