Chapter Text
Chapter 2: Ad Meliora
Pairing: JiHanCheol, some SoonHoon
AU: Domestic! Set eight months after the end of “The Perks of a Heartbreak”
“There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.”
Humans are, in essence, gregarious. We find ourselves looking out for companionship even if we find pride in our apparent independence. We crave friendship, we crave love. It’s part of how we interact with other humans and how society has been stablished since it's beginnings. That’s why we built the concept of “family”, or “community”. A sense of belonging. Well. At least that’s what sociology aficionado Hong Jisoo had told him once, when Jeonghan was complaining about paying taxes and that, if he could, he would take them both to a deserted island and escape from society. Seungcheol thought it was funny, because it was society - and the cost of life, really - what pushed the three of them to live together, and was society that had him, metaphorically, against the cords nowadays. But going back to that conversation, Jisoo had admonished Jeonghan, joking the older one wasn’t going to be able to stand life just with the two of them, because Seungcheol wasn’t able to cook and he himself was not going to stand
three days without some kind of skin care product. That they all needed society, and not just each other, to survive.
Even in the lighthearted ambiance, Jeonghan had been seriously adamant that he would just need them both to survive.
That was two years ago, when stuff had been strictly platonic between the couple and Jisoo.
Seungcheol wasn’t even sure if stuff had been platonic there, though.
The thing was, that even in college, when the three of them started their friendship, - and he himself and Jeonghan started dating - he thought Jisoo Hong was, at best, one of the greatest people around. Even before college, Jeonghan and Jisoo had been friends, but neither hesitated in welcoming Seungcheol into their table at lunch, when the slightly awkward man from Daegu was looking around like a lost puppy. While Jeonghan mischievous and lazy nature made him want to take care of him, and provide as much companionship as he was capable of, Jisoo had always taken care of them both and he found himself relaxing in his presence. It was all the small things: blow drying Jeonghan’s locks after the shower, massaging Seungcheol’s temples the night before an important exam, listening to their arguments and helping them out sort their feelings when the weight of the world crashed over them. Even in the worst moments - there was a time when he thought he and Jeonghan were really going to break up because of some petty case of domestic quarrels.
[In Seungcheol’s eyes it still wasn’t petty.]
[Being angry at Jeonghan for messing with the temperature of the shower wasn’t petty!]
[…]
[Ok, it was a bit.]
In all honesty, it should’t be a surprise that constant companionship would result in some kind of weird attachment to the boy. “Weird” wasn’t a proper adjective either. It shouldn’t be “weird” to consider someone as important as Jisoo a pivotal element in their relationship. It was like… like if Jisoo were to leave, so would go every single thing he loved about their lifestyle. Sure, he loved Jeonghan, more than he wanted to admit on a good day. More than that, he was IN love with Jeonghan… and yet, he found himself falling in love with Jisoo too, and that was the main issue. Or maybe he had fallen long ago, and the idea of monogamy had just pushed the thought of anything but strictly platonic out of his system for a while.
His realization came with Jihoon’s determination of winning Soonyoung back. The whole debacle had been taxing on their tight knitted group of friends, more than they thought at first; while the wounds style were fresh, every single one of them were forced to look at their current relationships and ponder about the future. Mostly because Jihoon and Soonyoung completed each other in a way he doubted either of them were going to find in other partners, encompassing as much of the concept of “soulmates” as a real, mundane relationship could reach. Jeonghan and him might have been lucky no one considered them actual “relationship goals”, but there was an underlying respect for having been together for more than half a decade without any major fall out that most knew of. It didn’t help that their role in the whole fiasco had been an active one, and that friendly relationship had shifted in it’s aftermath: while his relationship with Jihoon reminded nominally the same, he could feel the distance the younger put between them, and he sadly realized it had came to stay.
The fact that he had to consider that his friendship with Jihoon had reached as far as a healthy platonic relationship could go, and that going further in their “telling-each-other-everything-spiel” had spiraled into a whole new level of abysmal, made him think about the other person he considered a “best friend”. While it hurt, he wasn’t overly crushed by the fact that he himself and Jihoon HAD to put some distance between them. It was mostly in order to let Jihoon face his issues head on, and not rely on unhealthy coping mechanisms, so said distance was going to have, hopefully, a healthy outcome. But… if something akin had happened with Jisoo… Seungcheol didn’t dare to imagine.
It was like, the only thought of the possibility of Jisoo putting a barrier to distance himself from him was unbearable. Like, the fact they couldn’t get closer, not really, already stung.
You could only be this close to someone you considered a friend.
Even if it was a “best” one.
But… he had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who considered the objects of said feelings his best friend. A boyfriend that in all honesty still loved the same, still was in love with him and everything he symbolized in his life. He just fell in love simultaneously with another and he knew he was being unfair and greedy, but just couldn’t help himself.
Sighing, he just kept reviewing new music and working to distract himself from his spiral down to hell.
“I think I’m in love with Jisoo”
To say Soonyoung abruptly forgot how to swallow his coffee would be an understatement, even if “forgetting” wasn’t really the proper verb. He just got sucker punched straight into oblivion and, if the tears in his eyes weren’t of any indication, he physically felt the strike of such confession. Besides him, Jihoon was so still he might have fainted from the impact and his atrophied back muscles were the only thing keeping him up.
In front of them, Jeonghan just sipped his Mokkaccino like it was the most mundane thing to tell some of your friends on a Sunday while waiting for the object of said affections to get out of the church across the street.
Really, does anyone understand what was wrong with that picture?
“Excuse me…?” Asked Jihoon after a few confusing seconds, starting to rub small circles on the back of his boyfriend, who still was coughing up his throat out “… because I think I heard you say you were in love with Jisoo-hyung and I’m a bit…”
Jeonghan rolled his eyes, annoyed.
“Please, Jihoon. I know your ears work. You heard me just fine. I think I’m in love with Jisoo” he repeated, a tad bit condescending, while Soonyoung just gave him the confused hamster look that had him wanting to go over the table and pinch his full round cheeks like an old ahjussi.
“Dude, that’s the weirdest thing you’ve said to anyone since pranking Hao into paying with abalones in that store…” sputtered Soonyoung, taking Jihoon’s hand in his without much thought.
Jeonghan thought both of them were revoltingly cute.
“It’s not weird” he protested “it’s something perfectly normal”
“Normal to be in love with your best friend…? What about Seungcheol?” Asked Jihoon, so confused he couldn’t choose between being angry at Jeonghan or just baffled.
“I’m still in love with him, of course. I said I think I’m in love with Jisoo, not that I have stopped loving Seungcheol. You are sooo slow, Jihoon-ah” he countered, dramatically. His glasses shifted over his nose and Soonyoung swore he could hear the waitress swoon on the other side of the store. Jeonghan had that effect on people, he swore again.
“So you are in love with both…?” Asked Jihoon carefully, his brows furrowing. In his mind it didn’t make an ounce of sense, but hardly anything to do with humans made sense in his mind either way, so he looked over at Soonyoung, but found the same confusion behind his eyes.
“Yup” he popped the ‘p’ and sighed “look, I’m not less confused that you both are, but it’s true you know? I love them both”
Soonyoung pondered for a bit, before asking:
“So, what changed?”
Jeonghan moved his hand in the general direction of them both and sighed again.
“After your trip to hell and back I realized I didn’t understand my life without either of them and that just being friends didn’t make the cut with Jisoo. I want to have him by our side always. I can’t be content with just being friends and looking him go and marry some good old christian girl that has, really, no charm compared to me and Cheollie. Is simple”
Jihoon gapped like a fish, embarrassed for Jeonghan and his blunt approach to the subject. Somewhere below the second hand embarrassment, he felt the pang of pain in his chest, still sore from the pain his short break up with Soonyoung caused to him. He could feel Soonyoung caressing the skin of his hand, sensing the shift in his mood and he internally swooned.
Jeonghan’s perfect nose crunched.
“You are disgusting. Stop with the starry eyes and focus on me. I’m dying here”
“What do you want us to say…?” Asked Jihoon, tempted to bang his head against the table.
Jeonghan pondered and shrugged.
“You are Seungcheol’s best friend. You tell me. I don’t want to risk my relationship with him either…” His eyes shifted, and a soft cloud of doubt crossed over them “we are not getting any younger, and Jisoo won’t be living with us for the rest of his life, even without a good old christian girl… and I…”
Soonyoung’s hand left Jihoon’s and he reached out to Jeonghan’s, softly and he gave his friend’s warm hand a light pat.
“Then I say go for it”
Jeonghan’s eyes lightened up and Jihoon made an strangled noise in the back of his throat.
“Soonyoung!” He exclaimed.
“What?” The dancer asked, dead serious, before shifting his gaze back to Jeonghan “look, this is… new? But I don’t feel like it is that farfetched. I mean, you three have always been like a… team of the sorts. And you work so well together… and I don’t think you are being selfish or childish about this…” he sighed, softly, and smiled warmly at the older “if you love Jisoo-hyung that much, then talk to Seungcheol-hyung too and figure this out together… that was one of your recommendations to me back when I needed you guys the most, wasn’t it, Jeonghan?”
The older one felt a soft sting in his eyes, but replaced his heart warming affection for the boy on the other side of the table for a smug smirk.
“See Jihoonnie? Why can’t you be as cute as Soonyounggie here? He is a catch, maybe I will fall for him too! We already know I can fall for multiple people!”
Soonyoung laughed heartily, while Jihoon grumbled by his side, face flushed and frown deepening. Jeonghan just could join Soonyoung in his laughter, but the somber reality of a talk he didn’t want to have weighed down on him.
Somehow, the next couple of weeks were just a blur. Work was going smoothly, but the common domesticity held Jeonghan’s intentions of bringing the subject up back. He could feel something eating up at Seungcheol too, but when trying to talk about it, the oldest just shrugged it off and told him they had to talk about it in some another time, because he wanted it all to be right. That annoyed him to no end, but was understanding enough to not press for answers just yet. It wasn’t till one evening when Jisoo was out at church volunteering at a church project that provided soup for the homeless, that after one round of well deserved intimacy for the couple, Seungcheol spoke up.
[Intimacy wasn’t an issue between them, but because they didn’t want to bother Jisoo with some uncomfortable noises, they always waited for the man to be out of the house so they have some well deserved sex. Jisoo at first tried to offer sleeping somewhere else when they wanted to have time, but both males outright refused to let Jisoo go out of his way to please them.]
[And hotels existed for a reason, Jeonghan had reasoned.]
“Jeonghan… we need to talk” he mumbled, voice still hoarse, while caressing the skin on the the back of his lover’s neck. Nothing in his tone betrayed the underlying reason behind the conversation that was about to happen, and that spiked Jeonghan’s anxiety tenfold. He tried to sit up and look at Seungcheol, but the other’s hold was firm against his skin, so he just shifted over the broad chest of his lover and looked up at him, trying to keep his cool.
Seungcheol was untraditionally handsome, he thought while looking up at his boyfriend bitting his lip, just as anxious. He had big ears and a facial structure that wouldn’t have worked in any other person, but in his face and body and being, it just made sense and Jeonghan couldn’t help but feel blessed that he had him so close to his heart.
“Hi handsome” he mumbled, smiling up, and Seungcheol stopped his nervous lip-biting to answer with a smile of his own.
[“Hi handsome” had a once younger Jeonghan said as a greeting. Before things got intimate, before he fell in love. With his intense eyes and long dark hair under a stylish hat.
He just stared at him, embarrased, and had answered rather unintelligently…]
“Hi gorgeous…” he murmured back, and sighed, bringing a hand up to stroke Jeonghan’s cheek softly “… I… I need to tell you something but… please don’t take this the wrong way…?”
Jeonghan’s interest was already high enough, so he chose to look straight to Seungcheol’s eyes. The older male sighed and tried his best to come up with the best way to address the subject.
“I love you. I have to get that out of the way first. I first and foremost love you and that it’s the truth…” he said, trying not to blush at the smug smirk on his boyfriend face, who resorted to peck his chest at every ‘i love you’ while still looking up at him “but I… I… I love someone else too…”
Jeonghan froze, still as a board and dread sunk into Seungcheol’s stomach. Both laid in silence for a while, just the sound of their unsure unsteady breathing filling the room.
“Carry on” commanded Jeonghan, voice soft but firm. Unreadable.
Seungcheol wanted to sob.
“I… I love you. I really, truly, firmly do, but… But this person… I mean. What we have is great, Jeonghan! I won’t give it up for anything. I won’t… but… but this person… I just… I need them too… and… I need them in a way that “friends” won’t just cut it…” he sighed, shakily, and felt his whole frame vibrate, like the rumble before an earthquake “but I love you, first and foremost. I love you. Please don’t doubt that… please don’t….”
Jeonghan was awfully quiet. He just stopped any movement and his breath was shallow and soft, but his unfocused eyes were looking at a point behind Seungcheol.
After a few seconds, hi opened his mouth, but closed it back again. They both stared at each other for a few seconds, before Jeonghan’s pained smile came up and asked:
“It’s Jisoo, isn’t it?”
Jisoo looked down at his wrist watch before sighing. The event was just about to end and he dreaded going back home. Even if his roommates were understanding and respectful, he knew that every moment he wasn’t at home with them, they used for less than… pure activities. He knew three hours was enough for most couples to get any need for sex out of their system - he knew that he, himself didn’t need that much really - but, given the circumstances, he owed them at least some ounce of privacy. He knew Jeonghan and Seungcheol were inherently physical in their relationship, with all the slight touches that lingered just a bit too much to keep them purely romantic, and they restrained themselves a lot just to keep him comfortable.
And that was an issue, really.
He knew that in the last few years, something had shifted in how they went on their relationship. He knew that Jeonghan cuddled him a bit tighter, held him a bit closer and for longer. He noticed Seungcheol going to him more often for tie or hair fixing before going to work. He also had changed his conduct: he held Seungcheol more often, caressed Jeonghan’s nape while watching movies. He never knew he craved such intimacy, till just recently. Both Jeonghan and Seungcheol didn’t seem to mind, but he did. It appeared to him like he was… invading? Like he was just, stepping in a territory he didn’t want to face, a dangerous territory of getting too comfortable, too close.
So he did what he thought was best, and started volunteering more often at church. But, as any voluntary work, it just ended after the last weed was ripped out of the floor, or after the last soup was handed out to those in need. He knew going back home, the lingering smell of affection was going to drive him crazy and the smug satisfaction in Jeonghan’s face, or the content posture in Seungcheol’s relaxed smile would feel like a crushing weight on his stomach. He noticed them, and that was bad enough. He noticed the slight flush in their skin, the veiled nasty jokes of unspoken acts and just more intimate heat behind ever gaze. And he knew they made sure to not be obvious, but how couldn’t they? They were in love and they just acted on it. Jisoo was just a third wheel making use of the extra living space.
He wasn’t bitter. He had known, even before they did, that “friendship” just didn’t cut it for their relationship. He knew that clinging to Jeonghan as he did, and getting equally attached to Seungcheol was just going to bring him problems. And it did.
But even if it hurt, he wasn’t going to let go. He has lost enough things as they were in life because his inhibitions.
[His first love was a cute guy back in L.A. They were somewhat friends, but not really, and Jisoo had panicked because christianity and homosexuality weren’t really compatible in his mind at that point in life.]
[The boy moved to South Carolina and never heard from him again.]
[It felt just like letting go of that red ballon when he was younger. He had cried for hours, because he really liked that ballon, even if he knew it wasn’t going to last even if he had held tightly.]
So he held, wether it was to friendship, or to platonic love, he couldn’t tell. He well knew were his heart stood, but more than that was a blur of affection, insecurities and the harsh reality that multiple partners made situations exponentially more uncomfortable and just… weird? He just… he just didn’t know. Maybe he should start thinking about moving out with someone else. Maybe convince Chan to move in with him and that way the little guy’s mom wouldn’t be so apprehensive of letting his baby go. Yeah, that might work.
[Who was he kidding, that would be disastrous.]
Walking back to the apartment was far too short for his liking, but he couldn’t just keep wandering around late at night because he knew how awkward things were going to be after he walked in into some hushed conversation between lovers. Sometimes he felt like such a masochistic peeping tom.
But, to his surprise, he was greeted by Jeonghan siting on the sofa, zapping through the channels, knees close to his chest and pout big and moody. On the back Seungcheol was pacing, while running a hand through his hair, nervous. Both seemed so very uncomfortable…
Oh shit.
“Hey guys…” he greeted, taking his shoes off with practiced grace and entered the apartment completely.
Jeonghan greeted him with a noise that should have been a “hello”, but sounded rather stupid, like he choked on his own spit. On the back, Seungcheol waved slightly, stiff as a board. Analyzing them better, Jeonghan was pouty like a child who was denied candy, not pouty like “I need consolation because there’s something really wrong; Seungcheol on the other hand, was nervous on the level “I might have done something stupid and now I don’t know how to proceed” and not the “I fucked up so badly I deserve to be rotting in hell” kind of level. Well, he could deal with that.
And he hated himself a little bit more because he knew them so well.
“What happened? I thought you guys would have enjoyed your alone time…” he started, hanging his coat and sitting on the chair just in the middle between Seungcheol pacing in the kitchen and Jeonghan sitting on the couch. While the oldest stopped pacing and came into view stumbling, Jeonghan just rotated, television forgotten, and rested his chin on the back of the couch like a child. Both of them were so cute, Jisoo thought he might have died of a sugar rush.
“Seungcheol is a coward, that’s what happened. But fret not, my dear, is not an issue…” complained Jeonghan “he is just being an idiot, don’t mind him, Jisoo-ah”
“Me an idiot??” Asked Seungcheol, high pitched “you are the one who…!!! Oh, for the love of….!” He resumed his restless pacing, and Jeonghan snickered softly “Hey! Don’t laugh!! This is serious!!”
Jisoo was, positively, at loss.
“If you just would listen to me instead of panicking like a schoolgirl, maybe you wouldn’t be making a fool of yourself in front of our dear Jisoo”
The way Jeonghan rolled the word “dear” was new, he pondered. It wasn’t as they didn’t use pet names between them openly, but that “dear” held more meaning than usual, and it made Jisoo squirm and Seungcheol grunt in exasperated desperation. Jeonghan just smiled.
They kept in silence, looking between each other. Jisoo was just so confused, nothing made sense and he was getting restless. He just didn’t understand what was going on between the both of them and he was feeling like the underlying issue was just evading coming into existence. He tried to understand the meaning behind Jeonghan’s taunting, but he just couldn’t pin point exactly what it was that got Seungcheol so ruffled. Then, he heard the pretty male sigh.
“You know it’s not going to go away if we don’t talk about it, my love…” he purred, softly and warm. Jeonghan rarely used that tone when teasing, so the issue must be serious enough that got him to be kinder and softer. Seungcheol sighed deeply and made a hand gesture towards Jisoo, signaling him to sit in front of them, on Jeonghan’s grandfather’s old bergere, while he sat besides his boyfriends. He just crumbled on the sofa, while Jeonghan just gave him slight pats on his shoulders.
“So… what’s going on?” Asked Jisoo, trying not to sound anxious or afraid. He tried not to go ahead of himself and panic from every single scenario this could become. Were they going to ask him to move out? Were they going to get married? Did Jeonghan or Seungcheol cheat and were going to move out? Seungcheol decided to join the army? Was any of them sick? He tried so hard not to panic, but he knew his face should have been a picture for the ages, because Jeonghan was regarding him seriously, with a worried undertone.
With a slight shove, Seungcheol recomposed himself and sighed deeply. He held Jeonghan’s hand in his and looked straight to a point behind Jisoo, still deep in thought.
“Look. There’s no easy way to say this… but before anything… know we have talked about this. Me and Hannie. So… don’t panic…?” He asked, still unsure, and blushed to the tip of his ears. Besides him, Jeonghan snickered and Jisoo was trying hard not to join him.
“Aren’t you so shy, Cheollie…” said Jeonghan softly, and moved his stare back right at Jisoo “look, I back up what he said. This is not… something sudden. We both had given this much thought and just today talked about this and found ourselves agreeing. So before you get all weirded out and toss a bible straight to our heads, hear us out, ok?” He joked, and Jisoo frowned.
“Have I ever tossed a bible into your head, Hannie…?” Asked the man, and the older had the decency to blush slightly.
“It’s a figure of speech. The point is…”
But Jisoo interrupted.
“The point is you have to stop bandaging yourself and spit it out. Seriously, what’s going on? Are you going to ask me to move out…?” He asked softly, unsure and dejected.
But both Jeonghan and Seungcheol protested loudly.
“NO!”
“For fuck’s sake Jisoo, what made you think that???” Asked Seungcheol, still fretting and trying hard not to jump over to the church boy. Jeonghan on the other hand, had less self control and already was half way to him.
“No Jisoo, that’s not it. Far from it really…”
“Then what is it? Come on guys, you know I don’t judge you, so come on. Say it.”
Jeonghan and Seungcheol exchanged a look and Seungcheol nudged Jeonghan with his foot, head on his hands and skin red to the tip of his ears once again. Jisoo noted he was trembling, but from what, he didn’t know.
Taking a big gulp of air, Jeonghan hung his head low and muttered.
“We are in love with you, Jisoo-ah… please be with us? Romantically?”
There’s times in our lives when we forget how to react like basic human beings. Just, a total shut down and reboot of our ability to perceive our environment; it’s like trying to remember how to blink, how to breath, and what can be a proper answer to the situation presented.
Jisoo forgot how to be human, so he just laughed hard and almost hysterically. He tried to ask “what?”, but he choked in his own words and just covered his mouth with his hands, so very nervous and still not able to understand the situation around him.
In front of him, Jeonghan threw a concerned look at Seungcheol and the music producer crawled up to him, not crowding his space, but close enough to feel the heat radiating from his body.
“We love you, Jisoo. You are… so, so very precious to us. We can’t… we don’t see ourselves without you. We want you. We want you beside us… but… not as a friend. Friend is… is not enough? In what we feel for you…?” He was so red, he could see the little veins underneath his pale, thin skin pulsating. His eyes trembled with every syllable and the rustle from his nervous hands accompanied the hopeful, unsure tone of his voice.
“Jisoo… this is real. We want you. Me and Seungcheol, ok? This is not a test. This is not us being dumb or teasing you. We really, really, really love you. You are our best friend and… we hope you could be more. You are a central part of our core and we love you…” Jeonghan was there, on his knees, hand on the arm rest and Adam apple bobbing up and down every gulp he took between words “Jisoo-ah?”
Jisoo felt his eyes sting, and electricity run through his veins with enough strength he was afraid they would tear. He didn’t know if he was trembling, but he felt his soul shaking in fear, expectations, in hope.
“You know this is…. not… usual, right?” He asked, voice strained, trying to keep himself rational, even if the way his veins were trembling below his skin wanted him to cry and crumble.
Jeonghan snorted and Seungcheol gave him and indignant shove.
“Of course we know. But we can help it… Look… Jisoo… since, since the thing with Jihoon and Soonyoung… hell, way before that. We didn’t see ourselves without you. Nothing is complete without you. A-and when… and when Soonyoung broke up with Jihoon I got terrified. I’m still terrified but I’m taking a chance and asking you to be our boyfriend. Please…” begged the oldest, still trying to compose himself.
Jisoo looked at both of them, trying to piece together all the parts of that weird puzzle, and had the realization that he wouldn’t be able to put it together just yet. He watched Jeonghan’s anxious face, he analyzed Seungcheol’s stiff lips and couldn’t help but smile softly.
“Oh, but I’m not an easy guy. You need to take me out on a date first”
[None of them were allowed to talk about Jeonghan's girly scream after that, nor were they allowed to joke about Seungcheol falling straight on his face while trying to hug the church boy.]